un lamento per Romano

ohh caro Romano
its just not right
i am sure you had the soundest of intentions
i am sure you actually tried to set some things right
it must have been near to impossible
for a state that is in almost permanent crisis
not to mention the mother of all fuck ups that your predecessor made
fuck ups borne out of egotism, corruption, vanity and arrogance
not to mention blind stupidy and incompetence
where did one hope to begin Romano?
with all the warring factions
each one wanting their own most powerful seat at the table
the ex communists, the christian democrats, the ulive, the every man and his dog party
none with a sense of humour
each desperately grasping for a little bit more
perhaps it was destined to fail
but nobody else could have carried them as far as you did
oh Romano
you held their hands
shut their mouths
and funnelled them through
you managed to win an election against all odds
in the most undemocratic nation in the advanced world
facing almost blanket negative media coverage
poisoned by the most poisonous man in your nation
deceving, lying, slandering, fudging all in the name of a criminal
as president you managed to give dignity to a nation infamously without dignity
whilst the prime minister made a mockery of your people
brought its standing to a new low
and that really took something
he made a fool of himself
in front of the world
and by doing so belittled your nation
but your quiet dignity maintained some grace in this shocking state
then you took on the impossible
and for a while you pulled it off
please dont go
dont leave is with d'alema and rutelli et al
what hope have they where you failed?
you must return until media legislation is toughened
the cafone will always squirm away
from the courts
from justice
from freedom of the press
from any responsibility
but with tougher media laws at least some semblance of democracy could be claimed
and future elections could be fairer
and that horrid little criminal viper could yet be help accountable
please dont go
ti ringrazio per i tuoi sforzi e, che non siano invano

dont you fall

you might not get up again...

the clap trap

oh great
and its off again
the clap trap
not the von trapp clap
thats a completely different load of bollocks
its the clap trap
some days its a one-off
just a few claps
to a goddam horrible smurf song
or to perhaps rev up the horrid little rat doggie
wagaggaaaaa waggaaggaaaa
scklonk scklonk
fund dat
and then its off with an effeminate whnannanaan
oh great
other days it lasts tens of minutes
and it happens repeatedly all day
burts of the clap
in time
and then out of time
he's have the time of his life
i'll have what hes having
clap clap clap
rat rat rat
whnananan whananananna
accompany me with shite
kylie somebody, madonna somehow
clever trevor and the skirst
tina fucking turnoff, fleetfood smak
all the usual shower of shite
why is there no booming of the box?
could it not be recorded and minxed?
then punters from all around would not need to sit by their windows
they could have it on tap
tapped into their dreams
and into their cordal spines
i for one
would mix it into a song by the church
who knows what it could do on jazzy reptile?
with a decent tune it could top the pops
what have i
what have i
what have i done to deserve this...

bizarre luff triangle

strange days indeed ol wonky nose
there has come to light a tale of sickening clarity
the densities of many painters are in limbage
firstly a man that has been known in public circles for many a year
he shall be referred to as 'camel'
and this is his sordid story
he will fall madly in luff with another painter
that shall be known as 'travis'
(names have been changed to protect the maggoty)
now, this 'camel' will become enamoured with this 'travis'
and they will between them
produce a lovechild
of hideous aspect
diminutive in stature
stupid in hair
over enthusiastic in genital waving
and shouty by nature
a monster of the likes hasnt been seen on this planet
making the elephant man look more like pornstar man
this unholy unison shall produce a son
a true spawn of the devils
this annointed child shall be named 'travel'
and its evil shall be felt the world over
then, in a twist of the most insipid kind
their love shall shrivel like a shrinkage affected thing
and 'camel' shall flee the love nest with his youngling, 'travel'
they shall run night and day to avoid the wrath of 'travis'
and they shall find succour in the arms of a beast most hideous
more deformed than 'travel' even
this new union of evil will be formed with a spotted wilderbeest of the undead
that we shall refer to as 'gavun ferrier'
so 'camel' and 'gavun ferrier' passed some torrid nights together
before disgracing off into a cave or something
and soon a new and even more gruesome being was brought into this unsuspecting world
under a rock a seed flourished
uglier than thou, sow or any old how
it was labelled 'gavel'
half brother to the bastard 'travel'
round and spotted like the moon
desperately smelly
more a receptacle than a human
but the flight was not over
in a desperate ploy to throw the monstrous 'travis' off
'camel' packed his disgusting entourage
and took to the hills once again
taking with him 'travel travel' and 'travel gavel'
the pursuit was relentless
the only remaining hope would be to change their names
so it was
that 'Travagenas' and 'Gavagenas' came to terrify an innocent populace

Blokes I'd like you shag.....

there you go

its only a small leap to the place
the lightweights will claim otherwise
the big bad roundabout spelt it all out
sit right down and wait for it all to span out
you could be in the ground floor
lets all just sit down and hear of the opportunities
but its raining outside
not that this makes a small difference
blah did this
blah did that
blah sold his mothers goat to the highest bidder
you know what they say about therrrrrrrrrrrrr
how much disgust can one swallow?
the trees disguise a lot
but not the wail of the ambulances
oi were here when that happened
as if that makes a big bad difference
dont want to make a bad impression
manpower was just an agency
dance for me?
i will use you
you can have a bite of me
its all in the name of professionalismo
susan
oh susan
all your good deeds ran that away
dim smuggy
a4 tells it all
you could be here
or very very there
lets break for a breath of fresh air
whatever happens next
luckily its a small planet
may as well be that man in the kingsway
spruiking the bad smell
so the rain fell
smiles rained down
conquests imaged and small spaces left alone
somebody drew a blank
sure it were a good thang
but the stench didnt change
one can change their latin socks
sit back and dont enjoy the ride

N.C.Y.S.T East Ringwood

A big, deep and breathy voice, some crappo graphics, a gang of stereotyped team members and as many shit moustaches as you like won't help solve these mysteries...
Who did draw that big nose of Willy Koder on the fort?
What was so fun about shouting from on top of the chemists?
What do the juvenile deliquents do in Wombolano Park?
Where would Nigel have gotten his napalm?
Was the booze nicked from outside the Eastwood hall noticed?
What the fuck was the deal with those Frickie sisters?
Why did Simon Jones walk like that?
Did Beavis Junior really snog the entire high school?
Exactly how much of a twat was A Twist?
Did Nugget really speak back?
How long is one and 3/4 hours in East Ringwood?
Did Rosie Peppers really eat the same snack for a week?
Did a cyclone strike Bondi St one night in the 1990's?
How did the oval feel about being stabbed?
Was it tougher to walk on the streets?
Was the champagne better after the bubbles were removed?
How did that girl become so symetrically ugly with her shoes?
At what point in time was Nige scariest?
What really made Beavis' hair do that?
Had anybody ever been scared of a Dungfelder?

did you hear the one about the rat with 14 heads and no anus?

a lady
not just any lady
decides its time to make her mark
with a classy selection of tunes
she toils over a hot keyboard
laughing all the while
while what?
while she scanned and selected
there was plenty of oh my god
plenty of where is that
plenty of alkiholikal beverages
like a baby goat in a shop of sweet things
one of these
ooo ooo a couple of these
whats going on here?
one of those
three of these
DISTRACTION
one of these
oooh i like that one
a couple of those wouldnt go astray
lets bung in a loose one of those
a sprinkle of that should spice things up
DISTRACTION
how much portfolio have i got left?
one of these wouldnt go astray
and a cheeky two over there
you
yes you,
that track skulking in the corner
get in there!
a few more of that
now, lets give it a trial run
...
ahhh superb!
tis enuff to make you wanna shake your holy arse
now the finishing off of
a generous helping of all of those
and one
just one of that
DISTRACTION
okey dokey matey blokey
lets give it a crack
thatll show that big haired freak guy who he is
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nowt
off into the spheres
never, never to come back
....
approximately 0.00 seconds of groovin
nowhere to be seen or heard
ever, ever again
...

il ratto, it lived only 4 seconds...

knowing E, knowing Ewe

ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
side part
snappy blazer
with blazer badge
alongside the tie forming part of,
the stylish tie and blazer badge combination set...
Sports Casual!

l'homme du sport;
ice white shoes
ice white socks with navy blue double cadet stripe
a pair of shorts
t- shirt with chevron action flash
tossed pink sweater

cruiser arriviste;
canary yellow shirt
sports casual
horizon blue stay creased action slacks
cap
polariods
tan string back driving gloves

imperial leisure;
green blazer
cravatte
hat
summer spectacles
for a touch of class an Alan Partridge blazer badge

strolling pastel;
classic summer suit with the ommission of long trousers

hooray for malta day

for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake

for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake is a man
he lived on a hill
well, not really
he did live
but not on a hill
he loved fishing
he was forever hopping on his bike
well, not his bike
it was the bike of his ex boss
then it was the death ship
otherwise known as the masturbike
finally, he went off to the second hand shop
and found one
that WAS NOT a girls bike
he always was on the look out for a little pump
he sits on the piiiiiiiiiiiiiya
apparently catching things
or not really, depending on your point of view
he would puff on his chuff
and whittle away at his english book
he lives with a lady of the most spectacular smile
and a very big voice when roused
they put on quite the show
glad it wasnae me in the hot pot shot
he had a job as a painnnnnnnnnnta
but got shot of that to be a pizzaiolo
with too much time with nowt to do
but watch films, films and piu films!
it then become the hour of the pizzaiolo
but alas!
the scumbags changed the rules
changed the job
changed the location
changed the hours
bastardi!
the crazy neighbour did hate him with a passion
she did bang on the wall
and carry on and lament
for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake didnae care too much
he sent her to go and do in a culo
until one day
she came to tantrum on his door
and he cried
for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!

little fluffy clouds

it's a larf, innit?
that noise you make at the back of your throat when you hear something funny
it's a rush innit?
when somebody says something that burns your brain
just sitting about
tanto per cambiare
get an email
that'll put a smile on your face
sometimes there are thrills aplenty
it can take so little
to turn shitsville
into smileylandia
welcomed into somebodies confidence
a frank admission of personal doubt
a gift of the open heart
a sharing of dolcezza
made my damn day
handed out a dollop of happiness
the most generous of gifts
a friend that you can't really know
a stranger that you are very familiar with
static moments
pinched from time
11.32 pm saturday 12 2005
boris, arcutage and diana marina
it had a been a crazy night
some geezer in a dress
waving his arms about like a muppet
wonder what he was thinking...
probably something brush-like
the air may have smelled a little
ingested what?

crimes of a hottie

chapps, chapps....... woooooooooooooooahhhhhhhhh chapps!
loitering with stupid hair
loitering with intent to have stupid hair
loitering with the same stupid hair as pete
loitering in St Kilda with stupid hair
showing off of navel
not loitering in fitzroy st with navel on display
naval gazing
having more veins than most people
causing a public disturbance in the gay bar of the POW
causing a public distrubance in the gay bar of the POW with stupid hair on
not performing enough backflips
attempting to seduce rafts of young arab males
public display of naval in the presence of females
causing thronging and longing in the throne room
looking and being generally quite whiffy
attempted decision making
excessive standing around
exposing of wares on street corners
denial of exposing of wares on street corners
meeting tony B and George B in a gay bar

dream dream dream.....

some cliffs
a winding path
a familiar city
flying over the coast
a series of alleys
towers and houses
san remo?
something more along the lines of the goat ocean rd
small inlets
dramatic soaring coast
meet you there?
dont think so

another night
another land
scandinavia or the like
a friendly german family
2 kids and 2 parents
funny combination
some kind of restaurant/bar affair
Bernie was there
thanks for dropping by
we had to be off
many invites to stay on
much wanting to
but a flight was booked
back to ...... ?!

funny how they run into one another
snatches of old dreams appear unrequested
old dreams of snatches ?

no no no

not really

day on the green, night on the hill

it all started off so pleasantly
feeling kinda dopey
some clever person came up with the idea we should stay nearby
genius!
coming the other way
taking the write of way
bokko suckers
follow the follower
all the way past the entrance
turn that behind around
like everybody else
and go to the parking in the fielding
caught like a fish in a net
corralled like big bad dead oxen
to the place where hatted bastards hang out at
everythings okay...
proceed to then pen
reptilian sounds surround us
a good sign for all
find a good poz
amongst the early slurry hunters
find another and go hilling
clearly superior in every way
settle down beavis
what next?
hmm lets see... how about some wine!
clouds move in
a tinkle of sprinkle
big hopes it doesnt feel itself a fixture
Steve will provide
getting comfy enjoying the vibe
josh pyke did his thing
might've been fab
for all anybody noticed
who was that marty man chatting away to me?
and that mega classy figa underarm?
then it was sneaky offy off time
police that way
no good
car park that way
good good
greatest band in the universe come on
and were decidedly the greatest band in the universe
more sneaky offies
more wine
the bard of boronia did his thing
the crowd were in raptures
something about the end of the world i think
more sneaky offies
more wine
let the hollering commence!
them there headliners do their things
very classy
more shouting
declarations of love
standing up, falling into chairs
hard to catch some lunatic bits
before too long....
lights on, people packing up
tricky short cut could have proved disastrous
instead it proved genius
except the hill fell over itself
much to muches muchness merriment
wheres the wotsit?
wots it doing there?
thank all divinities for the dromedary
all that ends in a well
ends up wet
or sitting outside
surrounded my forest and its lovely noises

cyclone salamander extravaganza

some kind of sub tropical storm blew thru town
it uprooted pubs , dignity and common sense
innocent bystanders watch with a mixture of amazement and delight
as the tempest went from loud but docile to downright maniacal
a long drought was broken
snapped off in fact
people hustled for protection
and cars were blown down the grey st kilda streets
alarms and buzzers went off at ungodly hours
a man was seen with his wellies on
it was sure to be a brief storm
the far edge could be seen even from near
body art was flung about the shop
and settled by the by
a few minor gales rippled the calm AFTER the storm
i shall huff and puff and blow your house down

can a storm have good intentions?

No, wait, what's that other word... ?

tedious

a fort ran through it

a dog ran past it
a muppet gazed at it
a shez parked nearby it
some sport boffins thwacked over yonder hill, it
some kids screeched all so close to it
you can bet a lot of lunch was passed all over it
some mums chided them unawares of it
some snot nose bastards didnt care about it
a bung holed right through it
chip, chook and other daftly named beings weekly bypassed it
a big nose was drawn on it
bogans did shelter in it
small time illegal things were done around it
some piggies did park right adjacent, like, to it
a small haired git lived by it
a tash flourished despite of it
an exceedingly stupid boy hyperventilated around a corner from it
an enormous tosspot took off his top way too showily in front of it
plenty of imbecile girls did brush past it
one snogged most of a secondary college under it
many believed themselves big and clever in its shadow, it
a big haired git lived by it
most likely some joggers went round and round and round it
cut down on your porklife, get some exercise, it
a legend carred off it
a slide descended it
a fire burned on it
a generation of turds took for granted .... it
a whole bunch of kiddlings were forced marched within view of it
fucking twats
a stream of bollocks has been sprayed about it
i doubt anybody really gives a fuck about it

faster camelcat mill! mill!

taste this
quite prolonged sunshine on the spotted mind
one winery
some dodgy maltese bloke
possibly not from malta
unlike some....
swill and swig
carry and on
wheres the lavatory got to?
she'll take several
one vineyard
some pointy old bint
blah blah blah blah and bollocks
sell sell sell
arent we clever with our knowing how to say gewurztraminer?
what is this, fucking insert branded american shop here
no and bog off
one place that makes wine
sure, why not?
what?
where?
whats going on here?
sun shines
a bit of hill
a bit of water
nice lady with cute story of wine nameage
for each of the grankiddles they named a bottle
there was the boris 2002 cab sav
the beatmeupvis 2004 sav blanc
the doris 2004 merlot
the arsemaster 2006 shiraz
the nigefest 2006 pinot gris
and last but not least
the fuckshitarsebollocksbreathbigfatfuckmrrichardsmokercouldntgivelessofatoss 2003 chardonnay
lovely drop that
she took several
an unholy straight road
to mt splashmore place where grapes are grown at
over and over and over again like hot chips
in a madcap adventure for all the family
merriment and mirth abounded alongside the machine
but it were closed
sod off

this is a stupid blog, a blog with which you bore

this is a stupid blog
this blog is fucking stupid
it is stupider than sean cary, mark watkins,that chick with the stupid shoes, the stick insect, dumber than elise come cartman and BEAVIS and anybody who every dug creed or anything of that whole big bag of crap...
stupid, stupid, stupid... a bit like a great black grape album.
which in fact, was not stupid, it was great.
figure that out!

It's embarrassing, because he was standing right there......

Bloody hell!

I hate it when I touch park and the owner of the car I touch appears as I touch it
Especially when he is a guy that lives in my block of flats
A neighbour!
That's really embarrassing.

And also when people happen to glance at you when you're picking your nose
Why must they do that?
Why is it even offensive?
Why is touching one part of your nose fine, and another SO offensive??
For God's sake!!!!!!

Also, why is it that when I watch Collingwood they always lose?
I have gotten to the point now where I think it's better just not to watch
Which is fucking annoying because I like football
Which is the whole point....
Why on this earth would you grow up barracking for a team that played for a sport you didn't want to watch?
Fucking hell - why can't Collingwood just win?
Why do they wait until I'm not looking?

OK, that's it.
I'm exhausted......

harvfestivus

australia is in the grip of the worst ever drought since last week
blah blah blah
at the meredith festival dust was served up on particles
it's all rather terrible
even fucking horrid little worm man has had to admit
fuck him
amidst all this devastation
arrives the harvest festival at red hill on the mornington peninsula
near the bleach
both kinds of bleach for that matter
near a sterling view
which somebody called murray named after a bit of edinburgh
a big posh glorious house with magazines
full o delightful munch
a marvellous selection of whines and beeyas
wouldnt be a lovely day to say its a lovely day?
a killer line-up
loadsa australian legends doing their thangs
Ron, Kim, Ed, black cab and sand pebbles
and the greatest of them all...
groovy, almost reasonable priced food
local beer from the local area
local wines from the local paper shop
very few yobs and stupid drunken kids trying to be big and clever
sounds superb innit?
but no...
big bad drought bogs off
and leaves punters in the rain
rain, more rain and them some rain
pisses down, hammers down
fear not, say the weather dudettes
it shall clear in the afternoon
but fucking no...
it shits it down, buckets down
clever organisers put up marquee
and move mobs into a shed
not quite the same, im sure you will agree
too little clothes
too bloody cold
hiding in a small black beast
break out for the ed
ed rocks and rocks
and then makes sure that everybody knows he agrees
then tech probs
and cranky folks
greatest band ever
play greatly
but the plebs are outta time
gotta rush home to shag the bunnies
tuck in the tickets
they were pretty damn great tho
the remaining hardcore stars
chant carry on chant and carry on
is the love felt?
i suspect so...
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
sorry about the big haired git
no, not that one

befanarama

have you been naughty or nice?
theres an old lady out there who knows it all
she doesnt have a beard
not much anyway
just a couple of grey warty ones
not much to report
but the bleach doesn't work
they just make it worse
and i know i'll blanche before ye
she sees what you do aside the sheltering storm
she smells the feet you dont wash
she is the wise woman
demonised by the christo-fascists
she wont eat your kiddies
or finger your entrails jerzei
shes just a sage
nothing to fear
she may know some tricky eye of goat cures for your runny botticelly
she could live in a hut
with strange 'erbs and animals hanging from the rafters
she runs with wolves
trots with gnomes
shimmies with stoats
leaps and bounds with paul k
she floats about on her cloud of wrath
and on the 6th of january
(regardless of time zones)
she WILL give you coal if you are bad!

always fade out with a montage

even rocky had a montage

e adesso?

e adesso
che faccio?
i matti rispondono tutti
il caldo picchia
l'inevitabile e' in arrivo
l'esperienze seguono
un tantum non c'e nemmeno
le speranze inutili
il corridoio e' vuoto
il vocabulo stenta
l'episodio prossimo non mi riguarda
la chiusura del portone
che faccio?
vado alla collina rossa
in una casa enorme
con le panorama straordinarie
la baia di la'
l'oceano di li'
un vecchio si spoglia
ma, per carita!
i baffi ci saranno
faranno una bbq
uno zio qualsiasi
coniato bob, roger o ernesto
infondo non e' una giornata bellissima per una passeggiata ?
i prati sono sempre confortevoli
fanno bene all' anima
l'aria buona
l'idiono (che cazzo?)
l'idiota invece non ci sara
chissa' dove' si trovera'
il pupazzo deve restare a casa
per forza
---------*----
la mia tastiera ogni tanto scrive da sola
e adesso?
le repetizioni, sono utili o meno?

genghis khans motorbike

genghis khan was getting sick of his old birdie
he just sat there looking mopey
occasionally a brightly coloured feather would fall off
genghis suspected that this wasnt supposed to happen
all the other guys birdies had a killer glint in their eyes
they sharpened their own tallons on razor blades
and were either sheer black or nasty fuck-off brown
and they were a LOT bigger than his
genghis feared that the others were laughing behind his back
luckily he was the scariest mo fo in the area
nobody would dare mock him openly
but still, it didnt feel great
sometimes he wondered if he was over compensating
burning, pillaging, raping, plundering and wearing tight black trousers
those innocent kids in bungholistan didnt really deserve to have their entrails ripped out
then see their father anally raped with them
it probably hadnt been strictly necessary to raze constantinople
he didnt normally count on his beads the number of dead
but of late he had found himself doing so
rather ostentatiously
in front of the generals and higher ranking bastards
it was all well and good to make a chalice from your enemies skulls from which to drink
but genghis k (as his fellow support group members knew him)
had created a giant phallus from skulls
and kept banging on about his nob was bigger than heathrow airport
nobody on the steppes had heard of heathrow
nor knew to put the emphasis on the second syllable
and certainly didnt know what an airport was
they suspected it was another way for genghis to hide his shame
who called a budgie 'motorbike' anyway?
despite innumerable meetings over oxen carcass soup
nobody had the courage to tell genghis khan that his hunting falcon
was really a budgie
with eczma
with ingrowing claws
with a giant wart on its left pupil
with syphillis
and an over-developed sense of self
that it had probably contracted by playing 'who's a pretty birdie' with mrs khan
so on those windswept plateaus
when the night retreated unwillingly
the great men all got their hunting birds out for a sesh of 'falconing'
genghis complained about motorbikes umpteenth 'headache'
and skulked back to his tent looking surly
with his few panadeine forte rattling in his bison trousers
the tenderness he felt for motorbike outstripped his shame
again and again

big in japan

you would think with all the noise that Tom Waits made about it
it would be tricky to be big in japan
wrong!
its easy
at this very moment some puzzone type is at it
he is big in japan all over the place
big in his hotel
big in the lavatory
big around the reception area
big on the underground
big with big amounts of luggage
and big on the streets
you wouldnt watch a dvd about it
not one with cheesy background music anyway
i have also been big in japan
on numerous occasions
i was big in the shit lexington nightclub
big in this temple
and that shrine
big on the hot streets of kyoto
(apparently)
big at the baseball
big in the eel restaurant
big on regional trains
particularly with the kiddies
big on the late night noodle fest
big with the fireworks on the bleach
big big and big
too bloody easy

so what was tom waits big deal about then?
so he has;
the moon (sure you do tommy)
the cheese (a big cheese?)
the whole damn nation on its knees? (that really is a bit of a stretch)
hey ho (lets go?)
thats the way you do it (what way, croakily?)
hey ho (lets go again, somewhere else?)
theres nothing to it (i think that point has just been made TOM)

this blog is not to be confused with bagging on Mr Waits...

oh no... nah nah nah baby

at this spectacular rate this blog shall die a slow grizzly death
sometime about mid april perhaps
suggested medication?
a large package of legal drugs
a swifk kit in the behind
a sheep station
distraction amongst the spirits
a sideways glance
some hair calming lotion
rehashed revolution speech
fire in belly of the beast
excess facial hair
renewed interest in the arts and literature in particular
richey went missing near the severn
they found his car
but not richey
if you are listening ed, give us a call
a small package of legal drugs
what the fuck is this guy on about?
black blokes with straightened hair
thai princesses slopping on the whitening cream
or could they be young men standing at a peculiar angle?
extemporising or maybe using big words
a new years resolution
an epifania del cazzo
but lets not let the hallway get all blocked up again
today saw some blurry shipping
maybe the cricket pitch size hole will resuscitate
thrills pills and arsey aches

Crappy Internetto......

The reason there is no blog today is because of crappy internetto
Well there is this blog
Which barely counts as a blog
But no other blog because of the crappy internetto
I think Baevis has come up with an elaborate scam to get $14 out of people by making a fake crappy internetto company
That constantly cuts off your internetto access
That refuses to accept payment of any kind
That doesn't even have it's own website
And that sends you a complementary stick with shit on it each month
But I think this internetto company's days are numbered
IT'S TIME!
To move to a new, slightly less crappy internetto company

Get ready for the dawning of a new day!

:-)

st kilda night market

eccoci
looks a bit like this
people milling about
a big statue arrangement in the centre
lit up like a litter stack
what gives in here?
the fighe in giro
girando and strapping away
green numbers and white babies
stalls stalling for you and me
happy hippy crap
glow in the darks
2 little hills
for sitting
smoking
drinking
and talking
all kind of fab thangs that go ploop
t shirts
chews your slogan
something about shit in french
maybe it was french shit
sausage in bread
drums, didgies and other punkabestie noise machines
pretty little arty facts
all in a row
post cards of good times
beads and more beads
three triple rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sit not stand
south american tripe
south american pipe tripe music
and on and on and on
they took his pole away
sit up straight
what i must find my own free language course?
why cant i have free money from the government?
bloody conspiracy theories
if only the world spoke assyrian as the lingua franca
then we would see
a stick of middle eastern sugar
sweeter than sweet
more filling than a self center
polished with a stout seeing to
who turned out the lights?
maybe it was the same people who took away the poles
racists
best be moving on here...

running a muck

lets all have a sensible conversation
lets chat about life
lets chat about relationships
lets just have a jolly bloody chat
lets sup some summer wine
lets giggle like a gurty undone
lets have a bloody lovely time
lets smile about bad things
lets learn from others
lets go for a stroll and a bevvy
lets get a little flushed in the cheekage dept
lets get a bit on the gobby side
lets make indecipherable accusations
lets not be sure whether one is sul serio
lets play some pool
lets meet the fellow players, nice englander folk
lets lose the fucking plot
lets get nasty and jealous
lets just be plain unpleasant
lets prove some bonkers point over there
lets rant just a tad
lets up and leave
lets tear off the tear off
lets dash into the traffik
lets get particularly wobbly
lets shake our funky thangs
lets hold down a leaping thing
lets be up and over
lets outdash dashwois
lets slump on a step
lets spout invective in completely the wrong direction
lets here we go here we go here we go
lets what the fuck?!

what is great about hot nights

umm.... let me see
is it the fucking mosquitoes
buzzing around,
whining
biting
sucking
is it the lack of oxygen
clammy
afoso
close
horrible
is it the sleep deprivation
lying awake endlessly
sweating
swearing
unable to read
mind racing
getting nowhere fast
is it feeling shit
unable to think
unable to feel
rueing the play for today
smelling
disgusted by ones own skun
cease to be
fucking nowt

a very imperative public circus-bah

make that phone call
sit on that hold
hold that polite tone
tell that story, again
cut to that chase
translate for the uncomprehending
agree agreeably to something unfeasable
aha and ahum along understandingly
rain thanks down upon the giver of nothing
feel that frustration get the better
of who? you?
why, are we so looooooost?
chew your gums up with foreboding and discouragement tickling the innards
try to skip past that munch
chastise yourself on the way down
own that night
welcome that day
sense the deed that must be done
arrange your silent sighs
force feed the burners
make a list
check it thrice
pull down the shutters
paint the world a blue hue
plug in yer plugs
sound proof the soundtrack of your life
be be be be strong
choose THE left foot/right foot combination
deny your pantaloons
admit strange sensations on passing locale
what comes next may change the coarse history...

slew beers grieve

twas a light and not so stormy night
in fact it was much more like the afternoon
there was a gathering
from many angles they came
that bloke,
that chick
the other bloke
and the chick that he knew
fearlessly they boarded the carriage without horses and set off
only to find themselves in a desterted street
the door was slammed down
nowt much happened then
time passed
inevitably
and positions were assumed
the host slaved over his hot bottie
the evening was looking long for some
they were staring into the wrong end of a telescope
hunch was munched
9.30 came and passed
a sense of foreboding loomed under one of the yellower balloons
everything was lovely
a tosspot bookend showed his disgrace
a tosspot nerd showed his
some others did likewise
war was never declared by france on italy
napoleons trousers were too short
splinter groups of splitters formed
the peoples front of judea
the judean peoples frontage
dashy relived his moments of glory
before being brutally cast down
twice
a gabbling hatted mun charged about
bokko!
streets were hit and a big bad noise was scented
a park
a people
a smell
a ground
incoherence
garbled words
frustrated connections
big love posted on the waves
had to say....

a great community service

shut fucking up

camel didnt do it

I didn't do it, should i stay or should i go.
That is the question or decision.

PROS...
Visit relo's
B'day celebrations
Socialising
Hang out with potential relo's you thought you never had
Dinner
Refreshing country drive
Kangaroos
Trees
Super Star DJ's HERE WE GO !!!!
Beavis won't be there - or Pete
And, AND, NO John Howard....

CONS...
Refreshing fuck'n 5hr drive
Hung over
Don't like old Tressle Bridge's
Too late now..
Wasting too much time writing this blog
Might miss Beavis & big hair
Kez feels revolting (& whinging)
Haven't shaven in years,
I smell.....nice that is :)
Going with the Simon opo lous
Found Kez in socks
Get there at 4.30, stay for dinner & leave


camel seemed reflective

further adventures of the beaver being...

first there was beaver plastics
pretty good one might think
then all transmogrified to beaver packaging
which reined supreme above the town
until one sad day
it was swallowed up by the capitalist behemoth
and beaver packaging was no more
only a select few knew of the secret beaver stash
visible solely from a secret vantage point amongst heavy industry
an unexpected ray of sunshine was spilt
from a most surprising place
a train from eltham to charing cross
beaver housing flashed and screamed in gorgeous synchrony
where were they when this epiphany dawned?
no bloody where...

dead duck walking pt. 1

here we go....
look around the senta (copyright pending)
little ducks narrowly avoiding big bad sharkies
little ducks having their numberplates personally modded
little ducks being fearful of ugly ugly humans
little ducks doing whatever the fuck else little ducks do
how many slices of goatbergine would you snuffle if you were a duck?
he needs somewhere between 919 and 1149
exact science this...
little ducks with the other bigger ducks
most notably and impressively the Generalissimo Big Fuck Off Ducks
with their yellow goobbly bits
see the little duck film
starring little ducks and figa announcements
did you know that little ducks are only found on this part of the pond?
i bet you fucking didnt
i fucking did
i learned it at little fucking duck primary caucus school
but then, sadly, i forgot
then its time to cruise the little duck shoppe
how much stuff can you ram a little duck onto?
as a boke upstairs once said...
for fucks sake!
for the full little duck experiece
why DID they change the name from hoity toity fucking ducks
to little fucking ducks?
hey? clever trousers?
then its off down the rampart
and plippity plop onto the sand
for a big arse, cold and quite dull wait
dont forget your diary of a secret lodging
the kids suck
the sand sucks
suckity suckity suck suck
fucking cazzo

erik the earwig

erik the earwig lived on the wall
he was small, brown and maggoty
erik the earwig would show his head from time to time
but he felt unloved
people always looked at erik oddly
sideways, lengthways and cazzoways
erik the earwig was just getting to grips with himself
he often did that
he really didnt need all those funny looks
it was enough to give an earwig a complex
one thing that erik the earwig felt was on his side
was his mighty organs
and the mess they could make if he was abused
it certainly scared off the camel
he came after erik the earwig with a giant white board
erik leaped for his life
knowing full well that the camel meant business
whiffy, sticky and unpleasant business at that
after a brief scuffle
erik the earwig was subdued and escorted outside
but the camel knew he was lucky to escape with his trousers intact
next time... thought erik the earwig
next time he wont be so lucky
as he screamed BEEEEELLLLLLIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN into the summer night

hot lava

did i tell you about hot lava?
its fab
there is purple and orange
the orange just sorts of blobs around
doing nothing much
looking kind of disinterested
then, all of a sudden
for no perceptible reason
there is a frenzy of light and splendour
then,
not much happens
but as the slurry warms
whilst nowt is going down
the purple glows cool
bearing witness and happily in the retroscena
the super cool orange starts to stir
first it mounds
then mounds some more
then a timid excursion out of the comfort zone
and after you know it
theres a regular stream of 2 way traffic
the purple graciously forming, swelling and taking off
often colliding with its larvae sibs travelling in the opposite direction
you couldnt call it a meeting of great minds
one moment they entwine
next they meld and slither by without the slightest friction
or meld into a single form
before tearing itself apart again to continue with the established trajectory
every time we make love....
hot lava

il signore dei friks

he did hot foot in the land of scenery
he threw himself out of aeroplanes
ribs notwithstanding
he ate chocolate on a glacier
he marvelled at the 2nd world prices
he probably complained a bit
he chatted to japanese fighe
he exchanged wisdom with a cockney geezer
he bought the dvd
he slept amidst the fucking backpackers
he made sense of the local accent
he did unspeakable things with telecaster guitars
he made contacts with network executives
he probably saw some cool nature on the way
including some wacky boat in the air between the mountains attached to the wires
he imbibed gluten in evey form
gluten burgers
gluten pot noodles
gluten cheesy poofs
gluten gluten bites
gluten me not gluten straws
'i cant believe it's not gluten' gluten
a gluten shake with extra large fuck me up the arse gluten freedom fries
hell, he even had a gluten implants bunged in
missing your gluten ?
skip the patches or the fake gluten puffers
just get gluten thingies attached to your behind

hall work and snow hay makes...

hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
one bored, shitty and a crap snack treat

why i didnt see the salvo shoppe in inkerman st

its invisible
there was a temporary blip in the time-space continuium
i forgot to look
some kind of prejudice which i havent yet established
it was a slow blog day
the thooka thooka in my ears distracted me
the eeek eeek screek of my brain distracted me
the situation in darfur distracted me
the dodgy bloke in the leather jacket lighting a fag distracted me
my chasteness got in the way
it was my density
the sun reflected off the windows and blinded me
the ultra modern design of the building made in beyond my minds comprehension
somebody moved it temporarily
it was out to lunch
i was out to lunch
i didnt have my smelly vest on
it was only a figment of his imagination
it was abducted and anally probed by aliens with bubbles on their heads
i didnt apply in triplicate
i lost all sense of perspective and saw a rubiks cube
it turned into a goat
somebody wasnt paying attention

stiffy little fingers

the family stiffoir lived by a frozen bocs
the roof came a tumbling down
leaving the family stiffoir with no shelter
mr stiffoir dropped lots of 'clever' one liners
but they weren't very funny
that didnt stop him
banned from school with knits
a real girl called eye-ee-shucks
ginger stubble
mark molloyocks rings a bit real
i recognized the background skyline
lots of big names and big nobs
little boy stiffoir is having a rough time of it
mummy stiffoir has chortled off to some imaginary town in the north
for a big day...
daddy stiffoir had a lot of things going down
somebody tried to run him off the road
somebody tried to run him down
somebody cut his brakes
a farting dog right nearby
his car upside down in the lake
his bird left him to become a big lesbian
his faced is scratched
his one liners get worse
dry? not really...
daddy stiffoir got his jacket all broken
the roof fell off his house
he stole a dead mans car
but its okay
theres a love interest
ethnic at that!
and a great big conspiracy
where would the world be without them ?
the bloke he works for sold his flesh
for a pound of coins
the turkish fraternity were mistreating mr memo
and something about an old geezer doing stabbin practice
it all ended ironically
or was that underwhelmingly ?
at least i think that was the point
it might have just been his trousers rucking up

i wonder whats happening in new zealand...

i hardly facking think

therefore i hardly facking am

on being crap

how do i count the ways?
the big one is communication crap
too crap to answer an email today or this week
too crap to answer an email this month or trip around the sun
too crap to make that little effort required to just stay in touch and show you give a crap
i once knew a crap bloke
he was pretty crap
but then in the fullness of time his crapness seemed callow and poor
the biggest crap inducement around
is the being in another town, another state, another country or another hemisphere
it makes even the best of us giant big crapsters
these were the best of times, these were the blurst of times
when is it okay to be crap?
whats the ettiquete for a text message?
not answering is rude
after how long?
with depersonalized communication
being crap has become the easy as pye
crap in wales
crap in in the ussr
crap in the land of the gun weilding philistine fundamentalists
crap in london
crap in mexico
crap nel bel paese
big in japan
crap in not so great bretagne
crapping all over the world
We are all crap or carp in our own various ways
it is easy to forget
not to make that small effort
to put it off to another day
i'll get right on it...
it slithers so easily from the mind
will get on it tomorrow
just need to eat my own boot first
aw, they know i love them
our friendship doesnt need contact
hmmmmmmmmmm
out of sight
out of mind
out of this world
in the crap
merda!

red sky on meredith

meredith thangs;
faster pussycat kill kill in a lovely tree lined venue
unhealthy protrusion of busts
and wiggling of bottoms as one walked
no wonder it is a cult
a big big tree that provided shade for 3 fookin daze
love that big big tree
it gives protection for you and me
a pine perhaps
dust and dust and heat
how about that dust
dust in your nose
dust in your ears
dust in your every orificer
i must i must i must decrease my dust
beavis only recently escaped the tin mine
hoffeee him
black feet
cornelius can be my special friend
amayyyzing set with amayyyyzing visuals in behind
ugrieee adamson shouted his arse off
or it might have been his head
one of them has a lot of tattoos
of petunias or oranjebloom or something
narrowly escaped tim the tool with tex the mitico
why oh why?!?
completely missed spencer and the nudey run around
combo la thththththt im sure were lovely people
with interesting lives to lead and serving a valuable need in our community
likewise the ballandigo big bad brass arse band
other noteworthy performances included
ummm errrrrrr aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh ummmmmmmmmm
rustle rustle
band of horses... not bad for a band of horses
midlake... not bad except for shitfully annoying harmonies
augie march for sounding like a band i have heard before
the drones were cool
then there were some other bands which i paid no attention tooo
big kudos to the i drive a truck with a long hose on it people
breakfest burritos
eriks incredible endurance of having 18 ribs removed and rammed up his arse
stoicism personified
lots of beer
lots of spliff
friendly folks
overly friendly folks scaring off the tourists
and scaring off the me
beavis and his heroic earplugs
kez the blackleg
clean clean clean lavatories
loveless effort that
smoke hanging heavily in the air
dust clinging lightly to the bods
sleep doing a splash and dash
the figa family next door
bless em
all the young people
not sure about whether they need blessing
how about that dust?
dusty enough for you?
funk to dusty?
too many schnaa
hang on a minute, thats not right
superb performance from the berntastic
sorry about that ole chappes
no disrespect intending
arsed on, downtrodden by fucked up hordes
it came up smelling of dust

the duster brothers

driving about
driving about
isn't it all so lovely
cruising along
wait, whats that!?
a line up of wahabiite prayer givings?
no, its just a great big fuck off queueueueuue
so we park
so we beer
so we smoke
so we piss
hayley bails for all
hang in there...
50 metres then 80 metres
then 23 metres then a bloke with a beard
off we go...
got any spare beer?
how about small beer?
tent put up
whats that noise
no, that one
ahh the shouty one
somebody is about to flip
out off
in ouff
all about...

cant be arsed

the day that arturo died

somebody cried
at the POW
no, not the prisoner of war
no, not the patented obvious wossit
no, not the pulverized organ wurlizter
the prince of wales
take a leap back in history
set foot in a room with cheap beer
fools, butfoons and not so many shady characters
how about that?
oops just lost 5 years
feeling snappier already
Pippy longtroosers walked these boards again
the same boards
give or take a few old freakoids
or young potters of toss
would you like some beervis?
this time there was the broken man
man, he was broken
couldnt sit down
couldnt stand up
couldnt breathe without the macchina
disgusting the flower of trooth
the figa that didnt run for cover
coz the cover never availed itself
fancy the fook that
one dollar pots
one dollar fittttie pots
one dollar sittttieee pots
wot fookin next?
filling up space on blog?

here comes the meredith all dressed in hot

today is the day of the meredith
greetings and salutations to all merediths out where
there should be lots of scorched heads
scorched brains
and scorched scorcios
fab music
tented red headed wonderlands
no dickheads
and no bushfires
2 cars
2 tents
one vegas
with or without showgirls
no girls tent
no tutus
but an elegant lady or high breeding
one foreign passer by swept up in a plastic bag
one seedy bloke
one seedier looking bloke
and a lot of seedy looking blokes
many unfortunate couches may pass away
but the newly riffed reptilic blue somethingtastic promises a good show
even if the ground beckons for all the wrong reasons
so wishes are well
as somebody sets off somewhere
quite likely somewhere already conquered by the conquering hordes
but at least they are nice hordes
a good band is coming on
im off to the first aid tent for a worse view

cricket crooked businessmen

so the whole country goes potty over a game of cricket
another whole country jumps in the north sea
and wrings hands as they are bracingly swept away
whats that dad? they are just the orkneys...
its the end of the world as we knew it
and i feel nonplussed
what a truly odd game
5 days
5 fuckign days
30 odd hours
then it all ends up with 3 overs to go...
it aint a matter of life and death
its more noteworthy
lets just run down what it is that has had such a profound affect
22 blokes in white pyjamas
2 blokes with black trousers and white shirts whos job it is to wave their arms around, stick their fingers up..... , stand very still and act all grown up
another 2 blokes have the job of carrying water out to the first 22
and trying not to look disappointed that they werent good enough
picture this bull bragg boy
a huge green oval
thus named after a rhombus
with a bit of hard grass
all beaten up, dried out and squashed down
this bit in the middle a rectangle known as a square
at each end there are 3 wooden sticks
a few centimetres apart
with a couple of ickle twigs between them to make up the castle
then 2 blokes covered in padding of all kinds and big sticks wander out
another 11 blokes wander around aimlessly on this big green space
strangely one of them also has pads and stands nearby the castle
then from one end a big bloke stalks off to fence then turns around to reveal he has a ball in his hand
he runs like a man possessed towards the square
and by warping his body in a most impure manner
he hurles the ball with all his might at the bloke with a stick at the other end
who most times just watch it go by
like you might watch a pink butterfly
then it all starts again
then it carries on
and carries on
with occasional stopping for head and ball scratching
even more occasional hysterics
usually unjustified
and the 2 blokes between the castles rarely trotting back and forth on the square like well train dalmations
after a couple of hours
everybody has a break and then its on again
an again
and after five days
oftentimes there a draw
thats what keeps this country in a delirium and blissfully unaware of the evil manipulations of horrid little smug men

dim smuggy

broken elbows
cheep cheep birru
it all comes flooding back now
sit up straight
otherwise the view is impaired
nowt worse than that
its only a short stagger to that plaice
stolen bad reference
sorry about that
theres an old man here
he claims that he knew you
the dragon sure wasnt slainest
the history of the brick
it finished right there
roma termini
st kilda termini
there better be a good excuse for that
they say its static electricity
yesterday it took 2.13 euro off the shelf
then it were over
like slipping into a new glovers
that bloke knew it were over
a nation united
can oft be defeated
sensors all switched to 'couldnae give a fook'
so...
normal service resumed
this nation has a receptacle
that doesnt look right
nothing respectable about that then
something to say?
fascinating tale of woe and mischief?
stones turned and molested strrrrreeet corners?
grazed elbogans?
sod that... im off to look at the guardian
dont you ever read the guardian kneel?

Ron that steak sandwich

the view from the capsule is rubbish
all icy platitudes
who would have thought richard branson would stoop to this?
blah blah blah
atom bomb
blah blah blah
tomato pasting
blah blah blah
reconstituted white people
blah blah blah
neutron equals engery with the railway brakes on
how do i know this?
bog off
tasteless, classless and coalescent
for only 20 knicker plus VAT
that bloke that made a difference
only gave away the secret to the ultimate in mass extermination
good intentions are not only overrated
you can't forget the t-boner
in between skating and bleaching
there wasn't much space
what was there was filled with lemon and lime
oh good
whistling
that crap kind that is only done between filthy digits
the one that rattles around in your head
he's having a shit time of it
she's having a shocker
and then there are the ones all beaten up with a hammer
congealed your fancy?
fucking this
fuckign that
piece of shit 1 says to piece of shit 2;
you piece of shit
piece of shit 2 says,
fucken fuck
only slightly more degrading than seeing your arse on the internet with i love big grey barry tattooed on it
another wasted flower of youth
purple and perfectly round
with a bit of yellow in the middle
zooming off there into nowhere
good thing it wasnt free
human conscience and all that biz nuge
pan backwards and catch the lucky folk getting on with the fire
meatballs on sticks
cliche bashed out and around the block... again
the label closed down
arse

camel wears his legs

he does you know
i saw him
they grow back when sliced off at the hip
that's why he's no twinset
that'd be potent
wacky little number innit?

THE FIGA IS FIGA

Somebody asked me about the logic of this sentence.
You have to know that despite on what can be told about a figa, she olways remains a figa and must be serpected as a figa as whell.
But when a figa is a really figa ?
If you meet a girl, here you can find a clessification of the differets figa's degrees:
From the top to the bottom

1) Strafiga (better than figa)
2) Figa (figa)
3) Gran gnocca (quite a figa)
4) Gnocca (not a figa but...)
5) Medio gnocca (intresting)
6) Semi-gnocca (sill intresting)
7) Tipa (not really intresting)
8) Una (non intresting)
9) Cancello (intresting for medical research)
10) In this case you only try to forgive her immediately, without giving her a name

Now, acording to the schedule, we can tell that in position number 1&2 a figa remains a figa anywhere, position 3&4 are usually considered figa but, as they aren't really figa, you can submit the appartenence at the figa class to conditions like make-up, usually a figa from 3 to 5 the decision is yours, after 5th position you can't consider the girl as a figa, even if you are in love with her.
Must even be told that from position 6 to 8 the sense of humor plays a fondameltal role.
Anyway the positions between 5 & 7 can usually be changed following the personal preferences.
i hope no girls feels offended by this post.
For further details please contact me.

MPAA Lobbying for SEEDY MAGGOT Regulations

The MPAA is lobbying congress to push through a new
bill that would make unauthorized SEEDY MAGGOTS illegal. The group feels
that all SEEDY MAGGOTS should be sanctioned, whether they be ON THIRD WORLD HOLIDAY or at home.

MPAA head Dan Glickman says this needs to be regulated before things
start getting too far out of control, "We didn't act early enough with
the online sharing of our copyrighted content AND WE ENDED UP WITH PETE. This time we're not
making the same mistake. We have a right to know what SEEDY MAGGOT is in a
theater."

The bill would require that any hardware manufactured in the future
contain technology that tells the MPAA directly of what SEEDY MAGGOT
and specific details on the audience. The data would be gathered using
various LEON sensors and biometric technology.

The MPAA defines a SEEDY MAGGOT as any home with a LEON larger
than 29" with stereo sound and at least two SMUG BASTARDS, couch,
or futon. Anyone with a SEEDY MAGGOT would need to pay a $50
registration fee with the MPAA or face fines up to $500,000 per AFRO shown.

"Just because you buy a DVD to watch at home doesn't give you the right
to invite friends over to watch A SEEDY MAGGOT too. That's a violation of copyright
and denies us the revenue that would be generated from DVD sales to your
friends," said Glickman. "Ideally we expect each viewer to have their
own SEEDY MAGGOT, but we realize that isn't always feasible. The
SMASH IN THE NADS is a fair compromise.

The bill also stipulates that any existing SEEDY MAGGOTS be retrofitted
with the technology or else the owner is responsible for ANY PETE THE PAINTA LOOKALIKES and receiving approval before each viewing OF A SEEDY MAGGOT.

stiffy fingers

the family stiffoir lived by a frozen bocs
the roof came a tumbling down
leaving the family stiffoir with no shelter
mr stiffoir dropped lots of 'clever' one liners
but they weren't very funny
that didnt stop him
banned from school with knits
a real girl called eye-ee-shucks
ginger stubble
mark molloyocks rings a bit real
i recognized the background skyline
lots of big names and big nobs
little boy stiffoir is having a rough time of it
mummy stiffoir has chortled off to some imaginary town in the north
for a big day...
daddy stiffoir had a lot of things going down
somebody tried to run him off the road
somebody tried to run him down
somebody cut his brakes
a farting dog right nearby
his car upside down in the lake
his bird left him to become a big lesbian
his faced is scratched
his one liners get worse
dry? not really...
daddy stiffoir got his jacket all broken
the roof fell off his house
he stole a dead mans car
but its okay
theres a love interest
ethnic at that!
and a great big conspiracy
where would the world be without them ?
the bloke he works for sold his flesh
for a pound of coins
the turkish fraternity were mistreating mr memo
and something about an old geezer doing stabbin practice
in a great big fuck off freezer
it all ended ironically
or was that underwhelmingly ?
at least i think that was the point
it may have just been his trousers rucking up

i wonder whats happening in new zealand...

Mr. The Twat

Mr the Twat had a small south american hat
Mr the Twat had the social skills of a gnat
Mr the Twat did once outwit that splat
Mr the Twat was quite a bit fat
Mr the Twat sure do shat
Mr the Twat was always up for a bat
Mr the Twat ate too many kit kats
Mr the Twat should have chewed qat
Mr the Twat saw a walkman and spat
Mr the Twat certainly could chat
Mr the Twat never once knew where it was at
Mr the Twat never cried funk dat
Mr the Twat had less charm than a syphillis covered rat
Mr the Twat had a name that rhymed with Matt
Mr the Twat could have done with meeting Yasser Arafat (1960's gun weilding one)
Mr the Twat said 'roooaaar continuously like utter prat
Mr the Twat should not be confused with Mr Hat (who had a lot more charisma)
Mr the Twat squealed like a stuck pig at the thought of adventure
Mr the Twat was always banging on about emphanadas
Mr the Twat was a fucking bunghole
Mr the Twat never shut the fuck up
Mr the Twat tried to impress chicks by talking about weapons companies
Mr the Twat helped my italian no end
Mr the Twat was a turd
Mr the Twat left in Bolivia
thank fuck for that!
man i fucking hated Mr the Twat

vote for goat 2

the weekend past there was an election in these parts
a chance, nay an obligation to vote for the hypocrite of your choice
you could vote for Mr Thwacking of labourpains
Mr caricature smug fucker of libellous party
mr socially responsible of the bright green shirt party
mr ignorant hate monger of the fucking fist party
or a handful of independents running on various themes
to remove the grand prix from albert park
to have free ice cream at under age gigs
to ban weeds growing in cracks
to stick it to the man
to make everybody pray to some god somewhere

if only we had the monster raving loony party
to add some levity to the process
but no
there are the flunkies and floozies and fuckheads handing out broken trees
hardwood?
vote like this!
vote like that!
do as we say!
be more like the USA!
keep the queen!
sew fear and prejudice!
send children back down the mines!
exploit the least powerful!
work for gruel policy for the underemployed!

preferences sent off the gather sticks and kindling
nasty little hateful people searching out smalllikemindedminds
apparently somebody assaulted one of 'em...
hurrah
bunting everywhere
ribbons and rags
blocking your path like so many christians
or 3rd world people floggin something

needless to say i voted for the goat party
with their outstanding platform
it had banners and planks
sound policies regarding chewing on stuff
standing around being shitty
and general bloody mindedness
progressive beard wearing
representing of beelzebub
noteworthy clove hoof dictums
loved by the ancient greeks
(not in the same way they loved boys)
be it in the form of Pan or a Satyr
pumping out space rock on his pipes
running around knobbing all in sight
maidens, wenches and shepherds all


Then as usual the CHRISTIANS came along
with custom duplicity and manipulation
co-opted the image and made him out to be EEEEEEVIL

vote for goat!

the pink blog

boris was staying over at his friends house
when he and capitano fisticuffs got in it was pitch black
not baseball pitch
nor a sales pitch
pitch as in that black sticky stuff
he was shown to his place of temporal rest
something seemed odd to boris in the darkness
that's odd, he thought
he quickly drifted off into a dreamy sleep
he dreamt he was alone in a large, grandiose mansion
there was not a soul around
they were all outside watching this electrical storm
there were 3 wings
and no inbred twittering idiots to be seen
there were 4 water closets
where the owners kept their water
a total of 8 bedrooms
and a room atop some stairs
with a sign bluntly stating
"he who enters here is tost"
he decided against trying the door
he didnt wish to be tost after all...
in his mind he wandered these corridors
breaching each
he even found himself in the bowels
looking for some kind of service
you call this service?
nobody was to be seen
luckily, even in his dreams boris didnt believe in a spectral universe
mr and mrs and mr fisticuffs were nobody to be found
il capitano and his siblings had cleaned their rooms beyond recognition
even splat the donkey
and Lucifer the lettuce
left no trace of their having been there
another poisoning by the FSB?
another wall built across western sahara?
another anal probing story?
another god invented the earth in 1972 scam?
another keynesian economic rationalism fairy tale?

memoirs of a painta

he stepped over the hedge trimmings
it was looking likely
he knew things weren't shaping up as he had hoped
a closure of kinds he supposed
recognition was surely only to come after his death
and with it would come fame, wealth and figa
not much use then...
what good to a corpse would all that be ?
oh sure
dress it up in big spiffing suits
extra posh make up on his bones
groupies digging him up and lewdly posing for photos on his carcass
loads and loads of big fuck off flowers by his headstone
whats the fucking point there hey?!
for now he was penniless and senseless
those blokes and women in trousers
the ones painting pale nobility
maybe in the 17th century it was all about your art
doing a da vinci and selling your behind for postcards
kissing arse of the pope and other rich nobs
just for another bowl of gruel
but he had no interest in posthumous glory
he wanted the wonga and the birds
pablo picasso never got called an arsehole (not in new york)
salvador dali was a shagmonster
gustav klimt had that thing with cats
miro had more shoes than imelda marcos
there must be a way to make the world sit up
and get the acclaim he deserved
he didn't really care about art
he marinated most art classes in high school
spent them smoking rolled up bits of canvas up the big oak tree
sometimes with a bit of paint remover to spice things up a bit
truth be known
he wanted to be a rock star
when nobody was around
which was most of the time
he put on his spangly leotards and played the air oboe in front of the mirror
and imagined a seething mosh pit before him
full of teeny girls...
crusty old blokes muttering respectfully in their cravattes
wanting to talk about the 'ists just didn't cut it
how to make art sexy again just as eduardo catflappo had before him?

guacamole

i need medication for my sleep deprivaaaaayshun...

a goanna walked into a bar, he always called it that

the goat turned to the camel
the camel wasn't there
the hirsute horse may never have been there at all...

the spangly kitted germans smiled knowingly at eachother
an ugly english bloke with a tattoo bore down on them
2 Australians waited for their burgers
fiddled with their beers
and wondered what happened to the italian
a frenchwoman appeared and joined the germans
who sparkled quite magnificently
the ugly englishman moaned something naff and kissed barriers away
the australians attacked their burgers and found some more beer
ingenious aren't they?

clumsy attempts at tempting the unchaperoned euroschnaa
we will just continue our conversation
some scots is heard in the distance
australian bellies start to fill
a blurry italian walks in
an australian walks out
the relics shamble amongst themselves

small talk begins to spread its wings
swedes in darwin
germans in perth
french in brisbane
americans in adelaide
and sydney still full of wankers
britlanders fooking everywhere
and those luxembourgers in Koo wee rup

the languages melt
german, english, italian, french and pissedvis
where is the warmth ?
breeze caresses heads and hairs
it didn't seem that other-worldy
gestures swirling and lost in the dungeons
POOF
and perfect cloud appears
and even obscurity is obscured
leaving a chirpy italian and bad italian

pink piece of paper

it had probably been there since birth
the small bumps on his head could have triggered it
but it was unlikely
so they moved me to the psychiatric ward
can you sign this?
i have a signature you know
so im really pissed off at them, you know
then i realised that you know, that, my first letter starts with a d
they had been calling me johnny all day
thats fine
i suddenly realised
i said look, im somebody
its not a complete wipeout of memory
procedural memory is preserved
there was absolutely no way
where, why i have written this down
i know many young men
hello i am so scared
do you know who i am?
can you please come and pick me up?
my ninety year old mum has dementia
i didnt know who it was
i called my daughter
to a fault
people steal things
you might even know him
theres nothing i can do from here
the most traffic in the world... like
this person is coming and identifying you
they put doug on the phone
oh my god
she just goes
yeah you are doug
for me that was just
you know
i cant really desribe the feeling
the relief
the sense of belonging
i promise i will be there in half an hour
there goes nadine....
with her long black hair

going, going... sodded off

there is a story
about a man
this man knew his place
it was behind the tool shed
after fully blown meetings with the brains trust
and chez...

it was only 4 hours until the potentially most important day of his life
and where was he to be found?
sleeping restfully in his own bed?
studying the papers industrially?
carefully working his portfolio into the ground?
making sweet love with the gravy birds?
making up pointless questions?
no... he wasn't
he was sitting on a couch full of elephants
his mind altered
trying to fend off the flying bollocks
what was that noise?
the circuits in his brain fizzled and crackled...
he tried to slow down his thinking
he breathed slowly and dreamt of an orange coloured liquid
eventually the din subsided
leaving in his small dark world
fast foward a few hours
SIMON the REAL ESTATE AGENT is fussing about
his charmingly attractive assistant smiling radiantly
best put on a broad hatted rim
the gabbling unit of 1 was relegated
the crack team humped a car
backwards
SIMON the REAL ESTATE AGENT paced to and FRO
from an equilibrious distance you could have seen a parrot shit on his shoulder
the barriers flung outwards and hit a smoky old man
his cigarette briefly scorched the roof of his mouth
as his eyes popped wide open
as if someone had barred them so
then... nothing happened
ho hum
after a spirited contest between the assembled 2 parties
SIMON the REAL ESTATE AGENT feigned interest amidst his horseshit
and stalked early doors to consult
his return was marked by the irrefutable lingering whiff of ham
the frenzied gnashing of muppet
the bloke under a tree
pushing
shoving
birthing
screeching
contrapting
push the boat as far as the end of the porch
then with a counter-move
as fast as a snail in crutches with termites
as slick as a globule of phlegm
as decisively as syphillis on your bottom
as majestically as a man who smears faeces on his own face
the dubious duo of FRO and MO struck
and it was over
thank fook for that...

lacking in magazines

dont read ola
dont read hello
dont read pronto
dont read fintocchio
dont read ththththt
dont read new car goatly
dont read rugs r us
dont read karl rove magazine
dont read corporation fistie
dont read guardian and garden
dont read laotion delights
dont read juggggs
dont read a play on turds
dont read a man in need
dont read GHQ
dont read holidays by people that scuk
dont read the new shirty
dont read of men and mites
dont read batty boy weekly
dont read frozen popstarlets
dont read team smear
dont read failings bazaar
dont read computer nerd bokko
dont read between the lines

the bleedin' obvious

1. hello
2. this is a blog
3. it's not that interesting
4. it's in point form
5. struth
6. when typing you use your fingers
7. a knob that is, not a plug socket
8. the colour scheme of this blog has been shamelessly copied
9. strike a light
10. a watched monitor is absolutely no different to an unwatched monitor
11. the boiling point of water is about now
12. hello again
13. nobody reads this blog
14. all pets speak italian
15. I wish my last name was fuller
16. we shall meet again
17. living in 2 hemispheres can be difficult
18. unless you live in Colombia or something
19. sorry about that
20. this blog looks like a brothel

days ending in Y

School nights have been cancelled
There’s no such thing as gainful
Half price chop smacking?
10 peseta butane globules?
First a stop at Smart Artist Trivial seat
Trevor knew no bounds
Rather disappointing crowding
Guffawing and not pointing out the pointless
Buttered steak behinds
Feel the badness slide down yer throaty
Arteries clog
Funk dat
Why pray for today?
Or pay full price for the play?
Off to a blustering beginning
Thank the sky for the cold, cold wind
Thank the Inca people for a warm, warm ear protector machine
Unshaven barbarian mooching forwards
A slow place like gnome
A gay bar without gay people
It’s so hard to have one on your own
We are Jolly, enough said
Odds on it’ll be Michael Jackson
Don’t try to deny the many colours of the special rainbow
The guy lurching at the far wall
The twirling ladies in their finery
The mugs with the cups pinned to their foreheads
Very plastic noise pollution
No seats for you big guy
A better place awaits vosotros
Half as nice at the same ole price
Norvegia re-faces you
Since when don’t they speak uzbeki in Finland ?
Even the ugly ones
Friends made over fire machines
Strange stoolfellows
Jogging past 14 pubs
Smiling at 20,000 feet
Hitler youth renamed Cubs
The suffering of the german people was no need to call it off
Apparently they deserved it…
Mr bowling with his cazzo talks the chat
Making new figa friends
Connected at the hippy
The endless sea
Washing all over he, me and we
If only you could trust a figa
As Jason Plato once proclaimed at Netherbottom Circuit
Tis hard to be profound at 250kph in the rain…
Mr muppet adjusts his stick
Mr maggot looks for a stronzo
There’s that guy he was!

St Kezmania the lesser

so that bloke from Casa Affollata got a bit of a path in a bit of a grassy area named after him...
That's pretty average really. He must have been a nice bloke, done something interesting or had a cool hat or something.
that chick that sold her butt on the corner of the street may get the corner named after her
Slut Corner has a nice ring to it..
Donaldo Bradmano had an oval, a castle and a tapir husbandry establishment named after him. There was also the Bradmano Adult Bookshoop, the Bradmano Noodle and Soup Bar and the Bradmano Shooting Gallery for the Criminally Insane.
Unfortunately, the latter grouping had to be closed down after a law was passed by a pack of tosspots outlawing naming anything Bradmano unless it was white and male.
I even see that in the Ubiquitous Shitheads of Ambiguity they are going to build a big statue in honour of Mr Marvellous Martin Loothead Sheen. So a big grey thing is to be constructed, the We Got That Black Guy By The CIA/KKK Memorial Minefield.
That pales and pails into munificence compared to the shortly to be announced renaming of St Kilda, (suburb of Melbourne Australia, at least for the last 100 years approx) to St Kezmania. It has been unanimously decided that naming a suburb of Melbourne, after a small Outer Hebridian island was a bit silly. After all, nobody speaks Celtic, there is a distinct lack of big fuck-off rocks and it's not strictly speaking, an island that's constantly battered by the North Atlantic.

In light of the inappriopriateness of this naming, a search began in the late 1930's for a new name for this inner bourbon brothel. A patron saint with class, panache and who was famed for her work with the legless lepers of Bastardsville, Nubia was sought. Mysteriously only one candidate was found and that was the renowned St Kezmania. Her lesser known miracles include drinking a liquified kidney stone (with salt), publishing a treatise on the rights of indigenous goat growers in lower Cacofonia and turning scabies into a delicous snack treat.

The residents of St Kilda (not the island) will be informed of this change in their status and widespread looting, burning, and laughing at big hair is expected if not obligatory.

Pedro on the bus

I wanna see a Volver
no, not a Vulva
not a Volvo
and nothing evolved
basta

We all came back from the war...

I wish somebody could give me what for
so war it is to be
war is in the air
la la la la
I can't wait until i become the head horse trader of this stick dessert
here's a cracking new idea
let's renew the age of chivalry
when men died in an orderly manner
without ever questioning why
i will send off everybody I don't like
or doesn't like me
or who looks a bit different
walks a bit funny
or prays in the wrong direction to a god with a different beard
maybe people with lisps, accents or a runny nose
i will send wave after wave of my men...

hundred of thousands died needlessly, heedlessly in the Somme in the brave new century
tens of thousands were slaughtered on Iwo Jima in the brave new century part 2
at least ten thousand were massacred in Istria and Venezia Giulia, ditto
that's been my last week
learn something from it ?
ummmm no
broken bodies and broken minds
male species having their heads royally fucked
all in the name of the king
By George
the ones that come back
or walk the plank around the block
zombies
dead on the inside
non copers doing what all non copers do
damage the goods of those around them
these damaged goods get stashed in the shed
until they are old enough enough to be mature
and set off on the next adventure of feckless maiming
the ones that come back
get out the goods and give them a good whacking
and we all change places and start again

so the chimp needs to show his intelligent design
or so he is told
flex the stupid muscle
get a lap doggy in tow
and a worm if really necessary
hi ho, hi ho let's save the universe
let's pay no heed
let's work with greed
no toil without oil

lap doggy jumps on board
to temper the tempers
to make the buffoons see reason
is that really credible ?
does power indeed so thoroughly corrupt the brain ?
it's hard to leave aside the habit of empire
or commonwealth
to give this enterprise a legitimate handle
go fish
not without a worm

and this one turned out to be an ugly fucker
shaping a nation in his ugly fucking image

the smugma identity

pink sky at night
a bungholes delight
pink t-shirts in the Prince of Wales
a bungholes delight

the vineyard was pumping
the public toilet was overflowing
acland street has humming
cafes spewing out people on the street

rugby on the telly in the pub
a pub that may or may not be a bugger joint
disappearing houses on forknerd st
maybe it's better that way

there's a gay time to be had
that much is for sure
basta with the camping
affectation is neither endearing or enduring
not that a toss would be heaved this way

ridiculous overgrown tennis balls
reaching for the sky
hedge trimmers are for the anally retentive, aren't they?
whipper snipper that sly minx into shape
if only he had met any

that universe that pulsates
are the smiles real ?
what is it that they know ?
they might share it if they were minded to
rest the toast of the ghost
he can't be happy at what goes on
a picnic
a social occasion
a small lady
a big sin
a rollicking pin
a chicken bin

horizons narrowing
minds lashed closed
unfortunate coincidences
sleight sights of hands
hiding whispered doubts
what did they say ?
did said pills pay the bills ?
violent reactions
innocuous remarks
what is possibly to fear ?
sputt in the face
damaged goods in shopfront window
a stolen glance
demanding to be returned
perspective in imminent danger
prospective sails off horizon bound
bleak is the new black
why did he scamper ?
just like the american soldier on iwo jima
flamin

bang your head until you're dead

metal:a headbangers journey
so this bogan bloke loves his metal
it took him from being a spotty little canadian guy
to a spotty little candadian bogan guy
he grew his hair long
and time permitting grew a gnarli rad
he found his 'community'
lots of other bogans
being cranky about stuff
and taking it out on their spinal cords
small brain damage beer
said canadian bogan then went on to university
and read anthropology
it took a while
as it's a long word
and he was a bogan
he travelled to Central America
to understand other cultures
and wrote a book or something
then he turned his attentions to his one true love
a society he 'had been defending since he was 12'
very metal
and made a study of metal, it's roots, it's varieties, it's fans, it's sluts and junk and stuff
he talked to famous old metal people
and young norwegian psychos
lots of german bogans in a field
to try and understand the whys and hows of metal music
and why metal had been demonised and patronised ever since then
a good fust was made of it
and despite his obvious boganic tendencies
he seemed to have control of his synapses
and made valid points
about crotch thrusting
who was the first metal bogan, apparently bleck sebbeth
the devils note
metal boys hair bands
norwegians not liking the lutheran church
tents in whacking camper
and junk and stuff
he failed to demonstrate though,
how if you watch a film for too long
seated in the incorrect manner
you get a sore arse

overall very interesting, if only the subject was the church...
i give it 3 thumbs semi erect and a short pony ride to creel

me and my culo take 2

trevor decided it was time to introduce his new special friend around school
nobody seemed to want to know
they all looked at him strangely
what's wrong with these people?
is it a racialist thing?
he knew he must keep his culo to himself for the timebeing
obviously the world wasn't quite ready for him
eeeediots!

in the end he knew what was to be
he would bring his culo along to show and tell
and show all and see what they could tell him
flogger was up first
his talking mushroom was a flop
alphabeticalism he thought to himself
then minky
shy and retiring
got her monkey out to a large round of applause
not that he was intimidated
he knew his culo was a match for any of them
all was needed now was to wait out Boris
ahh, Boris and his great disappearing bag
he made it disappear
he sure did
he sure did
seen it all before
thought trevor

the butterflies started a major firefight in his belly
was he to be Bowie without a wig?
what if the back row boys took issue with him ?
that freak Glug that sniffed thumbtacks was a scary prospect
Trevor hoped his culo would impress that nutter
once they had met him,
there would be no more knocking clevor trever
Miss Pantywaste called his name
he looked back
no time to hesitate
ready culo?
hello?
well it's time for the show
whether culo feels up for it or not
he pushed back his chair
took his culo by the hand
and proceeded down the aisle
feeling a thousand pin prick stares...

foibe e crop rotation

any questions regarding le foibe in Istria at the end of the second world war or crop rotation in Genova in the 14th century?
such practical knowledge can come very much in handy, don't you find?

me and my culo

the story of a boy and his pet ...
5 year old Trevor had always wanted a best friend
at kindgergarten he had sought one out
he had made some acquaintances
some other kids to join in the horseplay
but they seemed little more than pets to Trevor
his parents had even given him variously
a parrot called Beaster,
a redfish call Goldie Coloured Slacks,
a white mouse called Sleaze
to all of which he had felt some affection
but it was never like he could 'play' with them
like he had seen on the internet...
argh the frustration !
he was unable to articulate his need for companionship to his parents
his vocabulary let him down
and his pleas for assistance just came across as tantrums and incessant whining

He had tried to adopt an imaginary friend such as had done his peers
he cooked up Nacho the Spanish waitress
Blitzun the bison
and Mick Harvey the musician..
but none of them were more than ephemeral
not comrades for hours of distractions and diversion

then, all in one tract
he met his best-friend-to-be
a curious chap
not much to say
but always wanting to contribute to the conversation
now he thought about it, his culo had always been around
but always somewhere just out of sight

Team Dream Machine inc.

welcome to Team Dream Machine!
Team Dream Machine was launched on a couch in box hill in the 1990's with 4 moons with a cassette recorder, the summer olympics and a bing bang bong - from squawking identically to easter mountaineering to boning. The campaign was Team Dream Machine's first meal ticket into the australian and fijian coup markets and the support of the elite moons provided ..... credibility, viability, and valuable bollock stripping. since the first Team Dream Machine campaign, sux of the enormous maggots have gone on to become well honed in the bruce arena inc arena - some are really dull, some are really duller and some are just dullards. all moons sold their own grandma's to satan's sexual abuse centerrrrrr and then hung around Mcbastards and told huge lies about eachother in a bid to add................... credibility.

then I met Mr. Couldn't Possibly Be Arsed

so i nicked these Sir Alex Ferguson (Manchester United FC manager of 20 years) quotes from the Guardian website...

"Clubs come away from Anfield choking on their own vomit and biting their own tongues knowing they have been done by the referee" - revealing his love for Liverpool after the 10-man Rowdies grabbed a 3-3 draw in 1988.

"I should have gone ahead and signed Mick Harford" - explaining why the Rowdies failed to win the league in 1992.

"Big? It isn't big. It's magnificent! I've seen some whoppers in my time, but Dion's is something else" - Ferg's verdict on Dion Dublin's lunchbox, according to the then Coventry chairman Bryan Richardson, in 1994.

"I f*****g told youse not to ask that John. You know the rules here" - introducing John Motson to the hairdryer after Motty asked why Roy Keane had slugged Jan Fjortoft in 1995.

"If he was an inch taller he'd be the best centre-half in Britain. His father is 6ft 2in - I'd check the milkman" - appraising Gary Neville's parentage in 1996.

"He probably started crying" - explaining why Jack Walker wouldn't let Alan Shearer go to the DevilBowl in 1996.

"Some sinister magic appeared to be at work" - after defeat to Borussia Dortmund in the 1997 Big Cup semi-final.

"He's a bully, a f*****g big-time Charlie" - an impromptu paean to his former midfield stalwart Paul Ince in 1998.

"When an Italian says it's pasta I check under the sauce to make sure" - the old charmer limbers up for a visit to Milan in 1999.

"Football. Bloody hell" - lost for words after the Treble victory in 1999.

"We were very unlucky to lose the toss twice and play into the sun" - putting a novel spin on embarrassing failure at the World Club Championship in 2000.

"I'm no' f*****g talking to you. Veron's a great f***ing player. Youse are all f***ing idiots" - building bridges with the press after criticism of Juan Veron in 2002.

"My greatest challenge was knocking Liverpool right off their f****n' perch, and you can print that" - responding to Alan Hansen's suggestion that regaining the title in 2002-03 would be his greatest challenge.

"Just f*****g patch him up" - Fergie's reputed instruction to the United physio after lamping a stray boot into David Beckham's face in 2003.

"It's getting tickly now. Squeaky-bum time, I call it" - tickling Arsenal's undercarriage in 2003.

"Real Madrid - they have a nice draw, they must have picked it themselves. The Spanish or Italian teams don't play each other, how do you think they work that out? They don't want us in the final, that's for sure, but I'm not listening" - after the Rowdies drew Real in Big Cup quarter-final in 2003. They lost.

"Arsenal played too many draws. The best team in England? That's always debatable" - evaluating Arsenal's 2003-04 Invincibles.

"Could I have two bullets?" - when asked 'If you had one bullet and Victoria Beckham and Arsene Wenger were in the room, what would you do?' in 2004.

"We're as good as Chelsea, no question" - after finishing eight points off the pace last season.

"It's scandalous that some people think I should retire. I have every right to work hard. I am going to continue working" - warming up for a few more years on the eve of his 20th anniversary.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I was scared to death of him the first time I met him. I still am actually" - Paul Scholes pays tribute to Lord Ferg.

*********************

statement of intent

i fully intend to write a proper blog posting

spleen dating

a charming young spleen was feeling incomplete
what's the point being a spleen if you can't vent?
she knew her way around the organ pool
she was familiar with the leering liver
the macho heart
doof doof baby...
the 'you can call me small' intestine
word had it that epiglottis was in town
what did he ever do for me anyway ?!
but the hole (!)
did seem endless since they took A Pen Dix away
where can one find that 'special' colon?
perhaps a sincere lung or two..
you can't be fussy when you are only a gland
and surely not the most popular ductless being in the graveyard today

so the little spleen put her details up on the binternerdmix
so many choices, trying out gland sites first...
shocking!
they have positively nothing to do with the circulatory system
www.spleensonly.com, www.organsthatplease.com, www.nakedsphincter.com
in the end it had to be www.pelvicsphlancnicganglyon.com
imagine if the bowels got wind of it...
the shame
a few choice photos
dufficult to get when there are always you-know-whats about...
sort out a little profile
alias, age, hobbies, and a quick run down on what it's all about

how do you gently fudge the topic of being full of BILE!!!?

the dissatisfaction hoax

In Reading the other day
i discovered the dissatisfaction hoax
a force so strong it bent people sidways
it changed their perspective beyond recognition...

Cymbeline Bloggs, 31, Jailkeeper, of Nutmeg, Hampshire says;
"watching the telly the other night, i learned that i were dissatisfied"

Alan Abitrary, 54, pig sticker, of Soapy Spittle, Old Hampshire says;
"my wife told me I was dissatisfied after the pot roast"

Denvis McCracking, 17, whiney git, of Layzee Eiens, Neu South Jutland states;
"I have never been more dissatisfied in my life, check out these spots"

Edoardo Strinzo, 24, llama farmer, of Saint Bollacks, Bolivarlandia says;
"If i could speak english, I would describe my self as dissatisfied"

Neufchatelle Mille Baise, 40, Seine Embankment Engineer of Noticeabilmente Superiore, LeSmug noted;
"fuck off, get out of my country with your dissatisfaction word"

Phuk ThaiBirdie, 15-28, Receptacle, of Huas A Him, Orientala says;
"my life bites tonally, dissatisfaction sounds great, please... anyone ?"

Kim Licenced 2 Ill, 141, despot, Pyongyang, Norf Korea-like booms;
"dissatisfaction can cause Roneriness, I'm so Roneree... "

Shake-n-bake Hashim al Qat, 58, Oppressor, Nebucanezzar, Yeoman notes;
"Your dissatisfaction results from denying the one true god, now go walk backwards with a yam up your arse around a big rock"

John 'prick' Howard, who gives a fuck ?, deceitful maladorous prick, who gives a fuck? White Australia weasels;
"I'm a horrid lying little bastard, Mummy called me her little 'ugly menstrual stain leech,' and on discovering my birth was disappointed to discover she had in fact not passed wind, the other kids at school shat in my lunchbox, having absolutely no redeeming features is how I fight off my dissatisfaction in the depths of the night"

Dull Bogan Slapper, 28, Single Mother at best, Suburbia West, Adelaidia moans;
"are you calling me a slut?"