i love it when the pub-history nexus comes together..

well fuck me sideways with a goating proddage
for a period in the 90's
thats the last millenium
you young neer do well chilluns
one of my fave pubs was the great britain hotel
the geebee to you hippies
just near east richmond station
(where trains never stop like that japonese station, but far grottier and much less zen)
it was wonderfully melby
all stickiest of carpets
dingy retro couches
brilliant tunes
and that fucking daytona racing car game
that you sat in
and shook your pissed skinny arse all over the place
and shouted
'LAST LAP'
at you in a comedic american accent at you!
(smaller fucking world)
which seemed sooo fucking technologically beyond!

there was even that dodgy 'club' bit downstairs
where you could dance to truly good tunes
and shout banalities at girls
and it was full of
utterly random alternatypes
and legendary bands
kim salmon with his platform red shoes
the man who created swamp
which begat grunge
blasting your tiny brains to pieces
for fucks fucking legendary sake!

hell they even had their own beer
called
'piss'
which was quite an accurate name
and you could get great pizzas from across the road delivered to munch down on

i once stole a bar mat in a drunken frenzy
probs lining a box somewhere dark and mouldy for the last 20 years

but we often wondered aloud
(and slurred)
who is that bloke on the sign?
the bar bird probably told us
but it never meant anything
young, stupid and pissed as we were


cut to presentish day
more than 25 years later
boning up (mmm heh heh)
on post independence india
watching all kinds of docos
and up pops the story of dr bhimao ambedkar

THAT FACE LOOKS FAMILIAR!

who played a large part in drafting the constitution of the worlds biggest democracy
patent pending
and was a dalit
and rose beyond his untouchable beginnings
to become a hugely influential man
and inspired millions of dalits to achieve success
and convert to buddhism
despite the horrors of the caste system

the man was a fucking mito
a giant of a figure
the kind that DESERVES his statue


so now i know

and now the beloved gb
is another fucking gastropub
for rich yuppie bellends
to drink their over priced beer in schooners
and congratulate themselves on their 'inner city lifestyle'
in gentrified landia

misheard lyrics no.4 - cream -White Room

it was neever called the that
silly creamy fuckers
it is the dark room
where else would they be developing photos?
or rowing in a bucket for that matter

misheard lyrics no.3 - Sade - Smooth Operator

yep its smooth alright
its smoother than a smoothie at smoothies deluxe on smooth street
but nobody called an operator
who uses operators these futuristic days?
of course shes really singing
smoooooth elevator
what could be better than a smoooooth elevation?

lo sapevate? brrm brrm

a lingotto a torino

che non dista molto del pieno centro della citta

(dove ho passato qualche settimana)

sul tetto della vecchia fabbrica di fiat

che sarebbe Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino

un palazzo enorme di cinque piani

hanno costruito una pista da prova

per le macchine che si costruivano sotto

quindi sti pazzi giravano (e veloce) 

nelle macchine e moto

e pare che anche facevano le corse!

anche oggi si fanno delle gare sulla pista

sti fucking pazzi italiani!

misheard lyrics no. 2 -Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At

nooo.. they never shouted that!
it MUST be 'wheres your hairnet?'
the common bosses cry
which poor wage slaves in the food industry hear on a regular basis

misheard lyrics no.1 -Supergrass - Pumping On Your Stereo

ehi
you wot?
im sure it was 'jumping on your stereo'

mlecchas at the gate!

back in ye olde india
you know the one
pre chillis and gandhis
but many
many
but many
many
moons ago

the ruling groovemasters got sick to fuck of all those invaders
because there were shitloads of them
as they lived in lovely fertile lands
turks, greeks, huns, mongols, persians, kushans, bactrians
and probably some farsighted beardy fellow
who was bitter about how the game of thrones ended

and like greeks and romans
they had a word for these uncivilized hooligans
for the mediterraneans it was
barbarians!

but for the hindustani legends
they named these fiends after how daft their language sounded
every time they opened their mouth
they made a stupid sound
that sound like mlecch!

to the cultured folk of the gangetic plains
every noise just sounded like mlecch mlecch mlecch!
how fucking 'barbaric'!
they were probably half man bear pig!

so they called them
mleccha!

(try that in a conversation today)

jet slag fades to pink

(like this only moreso)

back in the 80s i was in a very famous tv show
la la la lala la lala
well
not really

but i did temporarily suffer from a very rare condition
in fact it was so rare
that i was the only one to have it
and it was at least partially brought upon by myself

after a holiday to somewhere very far away
i decided to stay awake for the whole 25 hour flight home

a couple of days later i went back to school
and teacher got me up in front of class
to talk about my experience

it was all going well
i guess
until i noticed a pink blurriness at the periphery of my vision
which grew until i could see no more
and i checked out


coming round i was taken to the nurses room
where the usual fussing went on
and the nursey explained that i might have something called
jet lag

but
being a headstrong little shitbag
and having heard talk of the condition that can follow long trips
i grumpily childsplained to her
it wasnt called jet lag
it was definitely called
JET SLAG
and i had the best case ever witnessed

teacher and nursey continued to fuss
and to insist it was jet lag
but i was having none of it from these amateurs
i was an international jet setter
who was wise to the ways of the world
(he wont hurt you)
and exclaimed they simply had no idea what they they were talking about
whereas man of the world knew the lot
AND
i had JET SLAG

who is your favourite merv?

the ancient persian city and important trade point on the silk roads

V

the funny moustachioed cult fast bowler who really wasnt that great

tough innit?