No, wait, what's that other word... ?

tedious

a fort ran through it

a dog ran past it
a muppet gazed at it
a shez parked nearby it
some sport boffins thwacked over yonder hill, it
some kids screeched all so close to it
you can bet a lot of lunch was passed all over it
some mums chided them unawares of it
some snot nose bastards didnt care about it
a bung holed right through it
chip, chook and other daftly named beings weekly bypassed it
a big nose was drawn on it
bogans did shelter in it
small time illegal things were done around it
some piggies did park right adjacent, like, to it
a small haired git lived by it
a tash flourished despite of it
an exceedingly stupid boy hyperventilated around a corner from it
an enormous tosspot took off his top way too showily in front of it
plenty of imbecile girls did brush past it
one snogged most of a secondary college under it
many believed themselves big and clever in its shadow, it
a big haired git lived by it
most likely some joggers went round and round and round it
cut down on your porklife, get some exercise, it
a legend carred off it
a slide descended it
a fire burned on it
a generation of turds took for granted .... it
a whole bunch of kiddlings were forced marched within view of it
fucking twats
a stream of bollocks has been sprayed about it
i doubt anybody really gives a fuck about it

faster camelcat mill! mill!

taste this
quite prolonged sunshine on the spotted mind
one winery
some dodgy maltese bloke
possibly not from malta
unlike some....
swill and swig
carry and on
wheres the lavatory got to?
she'll take several
one vineyard
some pointy old bint
blah blah blah blah and bollocks
sell sell sell
arent we clever with our knowing how to say gewurztraminer?
what is this, fucking insert branded american shop here
no and bog off
one place that makes wine
sure, why not?
what?
where?
whats going on here?
sun shines
a bit of hill
a bit of water
nice lady with cute story of wine nameage
for each of the grankiddles they named a bottle
there was the boris 2002 cab sav
the beatmeupvis 2004 sav blanc
the doris 2004 merlot
the arsemaster 2006 shiraz
the nigefest 2006 pinot gris
and last but not least
the fuckshitarsebollocksbreathbigfatfuckmrrichardsmokercouldntgivelessofatoss 2003 chardonnay
lovely drop that
she took several
an unholy straight road
to mt splashmore place where grapes are grown at
over and over and over again like hot chips
in a madcap adventure for all the family
merriment and mirth abounded alongside the machine
but it were closed
sod off

this is a stupid blog, a blog with which you bore

this is a stupid blog
this blog is fucking stupid
it is stupider than sean cary, mark watkins,that chick with the stupid shoes, the stick insect, dumber than elise come cartman and BEAVIS and anybody who every dug creed or anything of that whole big bag of crap...
stupid, stupid, stupid... a bit like a great black grape album.
which in fact, was not stupid, it was great.
figure that out!

It's embarrassing, because he was standing right there......

Bloody hell!

I hate it when I touch park and the owner of the car I touch appears as I touch it
Especially when he is a guy that lives in my block of flats
A neighbour!
That's really embarrassing.

And also when people happen to glance at you when you're picking your nose
Why must they do that?
Why is it even offensive?
Why is touching one part of your nose fine, and another SO offensive??
For God's sake!!!!!!

Also, why is it that when I watch Collingwood they always lose?
I have gotten to the point now where I think it's better just not to watch
Which is fucking annoying because I like football
Which is the whole point....
Why on this earth would you grow up barracking for a team that played for a sport you didn't want to watch?
Fucking hell - why can't Collingwood just win?
Why do they wait until I'm not looking?

OK, that's it.
I'm exhausted......

harvfestivus

australia is in the grip of the worst ever drought since last week
blah blah blah
at the meredith festival dust was served up on particles
it's all rather terrible
even fucking horrid little worm man has had to admit
fuck him
amidst all this devastation
arrives the harvest festival at red hill on the mornington peninsula
near the bleach
both kinds of bleach for that matter
near a sterling view
which somebody called murray named after a bit of edinburgh
a big posh glorious house with magazines
full o delightful munch
a marvellous selection of whines and beeyas
wouldnt be a lovely day to say its a lovely day?
a killer line-up
loadsa australian legends doing their thangs
Ron, Kim, Ed, black cab and sand pebbles
and the greatest of them all...
groovy, almost reasonable priced food
local beer from the local area
local wines from the local paper shop
very few yobs and stupid drunken kids trying to be big and clever
sounds superb innit?
but no...
big bad drought bogs off
and leaves punters in the rain
rain, more rain and them some rain
pisses down, hammers down
fear not, say the weather dudettes
it shall clear in the afternoon
but fucking no...
it shits it down, buckets down
clever organisers put up marquee
and move mobs into a shed
not quite the same, im sure you will agree
too little clothes
too bloody cold
hiding in a small black beast
break out for the ed
ed rocks and rocks
and then makes sure that everybody knows he agrees
then tech probs
and cranky folks
greatest band ever
play greatly
but the plebs are outta time
gotta rush home to shag the bunnies
tuck in the tickets
they were pretty damn great tho
the remaining hardcore stars
chant carry on chant and carry on
is the love felt?
i suspect so...
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
sorry about the big haired git
no, not that one

befanarama

have you been naughty or nice?
theres an old lady out there who knows it all
she doesnt have a beard
not much anyway
just a couple of grey warty ones
not much to report
but the bleach doesn't work
they just make it worse
and i know i'll blanche before ye
she sees what you do aside the sheltering storm
she smells the feet you dont wash
she is the wise woman
demonised by the christo-fascists
she wont eat your kiddies
or finger your entrails jerzei
shes just a sage
nothing to fear
she may know some tricky eye of goat cures for your runny botticelly
she could live in a hut
with strange 'erbs and animals hanging from the rafters
she runs with wolves
trots with gnomes
shimmies with stoats
leaps and bounds with paul k
she floats about on her cloud of wrath
and on the 6th of january
(regardless of time zones)
she WILL give you coal if you are bad!

always fade out with a montage

even rocky had a montage

e adesso?

e adesso
che faccio?
i matti rispondono tutti
il caldo picchia
l'inevitabile e' in arrivo
l'esperienze seguono
un tantum non c'e nemmeno
le speranze inutili
il corridoio e' vuoto
il vocabulo stenta
l'episodio prossimo non mi riguarda
la chiusura del portone
che faccio?
vado alla collina rossa
in una casa enorme
con le panorama straordinarie
la baia di la'
l'oceano di li'
un vecchio si spoglia
ma, per carita!
i baffi ci saranno
faranno una bbq
uno zio qualsiasi
coniato bob, roger o ernesto
infondo non e' una giornata bellissima per una passeggiata ?
i prati sono sempre confortevoli
fanno bene all' anima
l'aria buona
l'idiono (che cazzo?)
l'idiota invece non ci sara
chissa' dove' si trovera'
il pupazzo deve restare a casa
per forza
---------*----
la mia tastiera ogni tanto scrive da sola
e adesso?
le repetizioni, sono utili o meno?

genghis khans motorbike

genghis khan was getting sick of his old birdie
he just sat there looking mopey
occasionally a brightly coloured feather would fall off
genghis suspected that this wasnt supposed to happen
all the other guys birdies had a killer glint in their eyes
they sharpened their own tallons on razor blades
and were either sheer black or nasty fuck-off brown
and they were a LOT bigger than his
genghis feared that the others were laughing behind his back
luckily he was the scariest mo fo in the area
nobody would dare mock him openly
but still, it didnt feel great
sometimes he wondered if he was over compensating
burning, pillaging, raping, plundering and wearing tight black trousers
those innocent kids in bungholistan didnt really deserve to have their entrails ripped out
then see their father anally raped with them
it probably hadnt been strictly necessary to raze constantinople
he didnt normally count on his beads the number of dead
but of late he had found himself doing so
rather ostentatiously
in front of the generals and higher ranking bastards
it was all well and good to make a chalice from your enemies skulls from which to drink
but genghis k (as his fellow support group members knew him)
had created a giant phallus from skulls
and kept banging on about his nob was bigger than heathrow airport
nobody on the steppes had heard of heathrow
nor knew to put the emphasis on the second syllable
and certainly didnt know what an airport was
they suspected it was another way for genghis to hide his shame
who called a budgie 'motorbike' anyway?
despite innumerable meetings over oxen carcass soup
nobody had the courage to tell genghis khan that his hunting falcon
was really a budgie
with eczma
with ingrowing claws
with a giant wart on its left pupil
with syphillis
and an over-developed sense of self
that it had probably contracted by playing 'who's a pretty birdie' with mrs khan
so on those windswept plateaus
when the night retreated unwillingly
the great men all got their hunting birds out for a sesh of 'falconing'
genghis complained about motorbikes umpteenth 'headache'
and skulked back to his tent looking surly
with his few panadeine forte rattling in his bison trousers
the tenderness he felt for motorbike outstripped his shame
again and again

big in japan

you would think with all the noise that Tom Waits made about it
it would be tricky to be big in japan
wrong!
its easy
at this very moment some puzzone type is at it
he is big in japan all over the place
big in his hotel
big in the lavatory
big around the reception area
big on the underground
big with big amounts of luggage
and big on the streets
you wouldnt watch a dvd about it
not one with cheesy background music anyway
i have also been big in japan
on numerous occasions
i was big in the shit lexington nightclub
big in this temple
and that shrine
big on the hot streets of kyoto
(apparently)
big at the baseball
big in the eel restaurant
big on regional trains
particularly with the kiddies
big on the late night noodle fest
big with the fireworks on the bleach
big big and big
too bloody easy

so what was tom waits big deal about then?
so he has;
the moon (sure you do tommy)
the cheese (a big cheese?)
the whole damn nation on its knees? (that really is a bit of a stretch)
hey ho (lets go?)
thats the way you do it (what way, croakily?)
hey ho (lets go again, somewhere else?)
theres nothing to it (i think that point has just been made TOM)

this blog is not to be confused with bagging on Mr Waits...

oh no... nah nah nah baby

at this spectacular rate this blog shall die a slow grizzly death
sometime about mid april perhaps
suggested medication?
a large package of legal drugs
a swifk kit in the behind
a sheep station
distraction amongst the spirits
a sideways glance
some hair calming lotion
rehashed revolution speech
fire in belly of the beast
excess facial hair
renewed interest in the arts and literature in particular
richey went missing near the severn
they found his car
but not richey
if you are listening ed, give us a call
a small package of legal drugs
what the fuck is this guy on about?
black blokes with straightened hair
thai princesses slopping on the whitening cream
or could they be young men standing at a peculiar angle?
extemporising or maybe using big words
a new years resolution
an epifania del cazzo
but lets not let the hallway get all blocked up again
today saw some blurry shipping
maybe the cricket pitch size hole will resuscitate
thrills pills and arsey aches

Crappy Internetto......

The reason there is no blog today is because of crappy internetto
Well there is this blog
Which barely counts as a blog
But no other blog because of the crappy internetto
I think Baevis has come up with an elaborate scam to get $14 out of people by making a fake crappy internetto company
That constantly cuts off your internetto access
That refuses to accept payment of any kind
That doesn't even have it's own website
And that sends you a complementary stick with shit on it each month
But I think this internetto company's days are numbered
IT'S TIME!
To move to a new, slightly less crappy internetto company

Get ready for the dawning of a new day!

:-)

st kilda night market

eccoci
looks a bit like this
people milling about
a big statue arrangement in the centre
lit up like a litter stack
what gives in here?
the fighe in giro
girando and strapping away
green numbers and white babies
stalls stalling for you and me
happy hippy crap
glow in the darks
2 little hills
for sitting
smoking
drinking
and talking
all kind of fab thangs that go ploop
t shirts
chews your slogan
something about shit in french
maybe it was french shit
sausage in bread
drums, didgies and other punkabestie noise machines
pretty little arty facts
all in a row
post cards of good times
beads and more beads
three triple rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sit not stand
south american tripe
south american pipe tripe music
and on and on and on
they took his pole away
sit up straight
what i must find my own free language course?
why cant i have free money from the government?
bloody conspiracy theories
if only the world spoke assyrian as the lingua franca
then we would see
a stick of middle eastern sugar
sweeter than sweet
more filling than a self center
polished with a stout seeing to
who turned out the lights?
maybe it was the same people who took away the poles
racists
best be moving on here...

running a muck

lets all have a sensible conversation
lets chat about life
lets chat about relationships
lets just have a jolly bloody chat
lets sup some summer wine
lets giggle like a gurty undone
lets have a bloody lovely time
lets smile about bad things
lets learn from others
lets go for a stroll and a bevvy
lets get a little flushed in the cheekage dept
lets get a bit on the gobby side
lets make indecipherable accusations
lets not be sure whether one is sul serio
lets play some pool
lets meet the fellow players, nice englander folk
lets lose the fucking plot
lets get nasty and jealous
lets just be plain unpleasant
lets prove some bonkers point over there
lets rant just a tad
lets up and leave
lets tear off the tear off
lets dash into the traffik
lets get particularly wobbly
lets shake our funky thangs
lets hold down a leaping thing
lets be up and over
lets outdash dashwois
lets slump on a step
lets spout invective in completely the wrong direction
lets here we go here we go here we go
lets what the fuck?!

what is great about hot nights

umm.... let me see
is it the fucking mosquitoes
buzzing around,
whining
biting
sucking
is it the lack of oxygen
clammy
afoso
close
horrible
is it the sleep deprivation
lying awake endlessly
sweating
swearing
unable to read
mind racing
getting nowhere fast
is it feeling shit
unable to think
unable to feel
rueing the play for today
smelling
disgusted by ones own skun
cease to be
fucking nowt

a very imperative public circus-bah

make that phone call
sit on that hold
hold that polite tone
tell that story, again
cut to that chase
translate for the uncomprehending
agree agreeably to something unfeasable
aha and ahum along understandingly
rain thanks down upon the giver of nothing
feel that frustration get the better
of who? you?
why, are we so looooooost?
chew your gums up with foreboding and discouragement tickling the innards
try to skip past that munch
chastise yourself on the way down
own that night
welcome that day
sense the deed that must be done
arrange your silent sighs
force feed the burners
make a list
check it thrice
pull down the shutters
paint the world a blue hue
plug in yer plugs
sound proof the soundtrack of your life
be be be be strong
choose THE left foot/right foot combination
deny your pantaloons
admit strange sensations on passing locale
what comes next may change the coarse history...

slew beers grieve

twas a light and not so stormy night
in fact it was much more like the afternoon
there was a gathering
from many angles they came
that bloke,
that chick
the other bloke
and the chick that he knew
fearlessly they boarded the carriage without horses and set off
only to find themselves in a desterted street
the door was slammed down
nowt much happened then
time passed
inevitably
and positions were assumed
the host slaved over his hot bottie
the evening was looking long for some
they were staring into the wrong end of a telescope
hunch was munched
9.30 came and passed
a sense of foreboding loomed under one of the yellower balloons
everything was lovely
a tosspot bookend showed his disgrace
a tosspot nerd showed his
some others did likewise
war was never declared by france on italy
napoleons trousers were too short
splinter groups of splitters formed
the peoples front of judea
the judean peoples frontage
dashy relived his moments of glory
before being brutally cast down
twice
a gabbling hatted mun charged about
bokko!
streets were hit and a big bad noise was scented
a park
a people
a smell
a ground
incoherence
garbled words
frustrated connections
big love posted on the waves
had to say....

a great community service

shut fucking up

camel didnt do it

I didn't do it, should i stay or should i go.
That is the question or decision.

PROS...
Visit relo's
B'day celebrations
Socialising
Hang out with potential relo's you thought you never had
Dinner
Refreshing country drive
Kangaroos
Trees
Super Star DJ's HERE WE GO !!!!
Beavis won't be there - or Pete
And, AND, NO John Howard....

CONS...
Refreshing fuck'n 5hr drive
Hung over
Don't like old Tressle Bridge's
Too late now..
Wasting too much time writing this blog
Might miss Beavis & big hair
Kez feels revolting (& whinging)
Haven't shaven in years,
I smell.....nice that is :)
Going with the Simon opo lous
Found Kez in socks
Get there at 4.30, stay for dinner & leave


camel seemed reflective