fizzing and frothing

today is the anniversary of our mighty lordy lordy's sleep deprivation campaign
she slammed down a barrage of brain activity
hurled down bolts of stress and headfuck
leaving things rather blurred and confused
a chance discovery threw cats upside down and golden balls over yonder
all reason and logic was discarded quicker than a quick thing doing quick things
impulsiveness or spontaneity?
bloody impulsiveness of course...
get on the phone and ask a question
what about george?
what about tiziana?
what about catherine?
what about robbages?
what about embles?
what about juicifer?
what about squilibrato?
what about fighe?
and so on, and so forth and soap dodger
book and ring and email and waaaaaaaaaaaah
that bloke said this
and how about that
squeam and squirm to escape the pit, master gravedigger
bite the bullshit and cough up the smalls
this new fascist regime to stop buttfoons like me booking all and sunday
arses
but what about george?
and how about the fuckwits at bastardlink?
and can i defeat keynsianism with an invasion of 'east' st kilda
splitters with stupid hats and hair
a weekend of popping and sparking
emails and calls
texts and trousers
a million hours on hold, fighting the corner in the darkness
wait, hold, dance a little lower
dont sleep
theres too much to do
theres too much to ponder and ruminate
theres too much sort
theres too much to argue
theres too much to agonize
theres the frustration dammit!
drop off but then come flying back
dont forget that!
where will i sleep in 23 cities in 1009 countries?
resolution beyond the solution
improbable in the foremost
prostrating and giving big come hither looks at mistress trub
the possibility of being outflanked on 17 different flanks simulataneously
all can and will go wrong
a fool just cerimoniously released the catches and sent me plummeting into the shite
lucky im a super swimmer in it
bring it on
after a little lie down first
i'm exhausted

youre my wife now dave

look into my black eyes dave
i shall put you in animals
dont dare ask how
nor why for that matter
your toilet is blocked up dave
i most certainly didnt do it
dont worry dave
i will fix it
my wife can read your palms dave
hold out your bottom leg
they arent children dave
they are just challenged
and they may touch the precious things
is that you dave?
oh
is dave there dave?
ok dave
you are picking up momentum dave
pick up the handbrake
then put it back down again
im not srue itll make any difference
watch my spittle drop on my boots dave
its easier to see from under there
dont tie me up to the bed dave
not without a seated knife and breadbutter
dont mention the war dave
it isnt my makeup you are smearing dave
it isnt a blonde wig
or my affected voice dave
youre my wife now dave....

big pie hair slap

didnt we have a lovely day
the day we went to PAs
the sun twittering
the sky was flowing
the birds were brilliant
the bad music was kept in check for a time
the coopers was delish
and the beef and stout pie
it was very beefy and might stout
there was him, her and those fellas
there were late coming chips
there was a silly frilly handbag
some silly big sunglasses
a cesare salad with chicken that cesare never ate
what came first, the keel or the fish?
the rowing wankers seemed receding
lots of chappy chaps and girlie girls
munching and quaffing
puffing and chatting
setting the world to wrongs
twere huge that pah
frightfully so
t man backed one in
k bop drove one thru
nothing much else really
just a small drop in an inconsistent ocean of motion
then somebodies unmentionables got in the way...

his great new girlfriend

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

the planet................................arium

someone went to the planet
arium
it was fab
there were layback chairicles
spinning night skies
close up from bubbles trubblescope
pretty pictures and lots of sniggering at gaseous form, black holes, uranus and beavis
how silly are the constellations?
yeah those three stars look like a goat riding a dolphin wearing chain mail on a wednesday under the fleur de lys doesnt it?
the southern skies have rubbish constellations; the twisties packet and the the shrub
the resident astrofoologismist was fab, and very sexy in her green top
afterwards there was wine and yummy cheese nibblies
not a spot on cold chups tho..
this planet
arium can be found on the wrong side of the river
in spots
wood
which is nearby to foots
cray
miles away from elt
ham
though
there was no brainwashing
i didnt walk out planning on renaming all multi syllable suburbs
through force if necessary
imagine the chaos
if ringwood became ring
wood
or northcote became north
cote
or frankston became franks
ton
all inferno would break loose!
could you live in a city infested with such bastard offspring entities as;
mel
bourne,
gee
long,
black
burn,
el
wood,
haw,
thorn,

pres
ton,
carl
ton,
fitz
roy,
rich,
mond
and so on and blahdy blahdy bollock drops

Kev's barmitzvah orgy

it was a dark and not particularly stormy night
sleep wasnt playing footsies under the table
the party started early
maybe 4ish
a likely lady darkened a doorstep
a fleet of masturbikes drove up
one at a time
pounding ear drums and shaking foundations
and making those little insects a bit uptight
things turned to motorbike chat
i turned off
high trousers sneaked in the dooooor
and some ickle girl
it got rather smoky round these parts
and rather beery
enough of this, it was time to hightail it to the festy
it drizzled on your grande puffo
inside it were nice and warm
and toilets
after overenthusiastic seeking a booth was procured
and shoe phones were handed around to all
so we could play shoe phone in the booth parade
it wasnt quite what i had hoped for
but i had been hoping against hope
futile one might say
also arrivering were fellow workers from Kevs sheet metal carvery
a couple of dodgy repute
a sleeping giant from the midlands
and ron (no relation to the drink)
Beaver took his packaging away for short while
in search of some housing
only to arrive later with more kids than you could poke a 23 pronged kid poking stick at
and penis extension man
the false moustaches were a treat
the guitar heroics were... well
heroically up somebody's alley
Dr Whodunnit black graped everything that moved
the kids played pattycake pattycake
the pe man valiantly tried something on
maybe it was a moustache
the kids moved on to finger painting
but dropped their fingers in their drinks
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh said kid no.1
bwooooooooooo said kid no.2
bnaaaaaaaaaaaar said kid no.3 (not very convincingly)
PE man adjusted his new moustache
Mr Plastics pulled them apart and bought their silence with wowwwwie pops
the fantastic shouty family couldnt make it
but we all did our best in their absence
and then it became too much
so it was off to the prince of darkness
crossed legged, virgin baiting, goat worshipping
but they are gay!
cried a boner
aftershock upon aftershock
not really, it was much beerier
a long lost courier kestrel glided in most gracefully
but by this point they thought it was all over
and it might as well have been
ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah

should i wait or should i go... plink plink

with valued contributions from Lady chuckletrousers and Lord Whom...

wait;
i want to be around kez as much as possible
i want to kill dave cant do it from overseas
dont be an assmunch
pay off some debts
better weather
possibly cheaper airfare
better networking possibilities, time to sort stuff out
more possibilities of rooting them in the ear
another year older
being sensible
good chance of missing kezs bday
ems got a pad to crash at?
could catch Gab

go;
coz its my bag baby
immediate holiday
celebrate my money honey
i wont spend all on crap
get it out of the way
meet great new tortellini whilst still interested
get away from beavis soon
fuck off me
less chance of getting hypergonadism
would diet vitamin d thing fark it up?

conclusion-che cazzo ne so io?

she gives umm, if you go to her...

last year it was for flowers
this year its a massage voucher
from the 70's
they call him dr slaughter
i dont think thats a tough name
it was really good fun, it was hilarious
i just gave up and went fuck this
why did you need a photo
i can meet you somewhere in the middle
have i gone insane
there was an ad
im sure it was good
and i cant even find beavis'
highly creative and passionate designer
id rather shoot myself
i dont give a shit
she said... oh yeah
she loves to rub shit in
what is it with people
she knew jessie and jessie knew jacinda
his bullshit rubs off on her
try to pick something more original
he wont do anything to fix it
if i ever see him again
i heard that youre bananas
and anyone who sounds remotely interesting
noone ever asks about drugs
she was totally fucking confused
im constantly out at marathons
in darwin
slim pickings this week
and youve got all them nutty birds after you
that wasnt a girlfriend
you bunch of fuckers
you could actually write something on there
you bunch of fuckers
then it started to hurt
thats what happens i think
he had to come in here to get his bike from the garage
did you knock on the door
poor guy
he gets very crabby
i love the hair

a top notch high quality classy profound blog

not bloody likely

Ghengis the big saucepot

stolen from;
Sunday March 2, 2003
The Observer
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,906044,00.html

We owe it all to superstud Genghis

Warlord Khan has 16m male relatives alive now, says study

One in every 200 men alive today is a relative of Genghis Khan. An international team of geneticists has made the astonishing discovery that more than 16 million men in central Asia have the same male Y chromosome as the great Mongol leader.

It is a striking finding: a huge chunk of modern humanity can trace its origins to Khan's vigorous policy of claiming the most beautiful women captured during his merciless conquest.

'One thirteenth century Persian historian claimed that within a century of Khan's birth, his enthusiastic mating habits had created a lineage of more than 20,000 individuals,' said team leader Dr Chris Tyler-Smith. 'That now appears to account for around 8% of the men in central Asia.'

The team, from Britain, Italy, China and Uzbekistan, took tissue samples from 2,000 men from central Asia, and studied each one's Y chromosome, the genetic package that confers maleness and is passed only from father to son.

'Y chromosomes belonging to different men vary slightly. One in every 5,000 DNA units is not the same,' said Tyler-Smith. 'But when we looked at our results, we found a huge group that did not show any differences. We were absolutely amazed.'

One researcher, Tatiana Zerjal, even suggested they had found the genetic footprint of Khan. 'It was just a joke,' added Tyler-Smith. 'Then we began to look more closely at our results, and realised it was the only really feasible explanation for what we had found.'

First the team, whose results are published in the latest edition of the American Journal of Human Genetics, found the geographical spread of possessors of the chromosomes almost exactly matched that of Genghis's empire, which stretched from China to the Middle East. Then they discovered that all of these men shared a common ancestor. Again the answer was consistent with the march of Khan, who lived between 1162 and 1227.

'There are only two ways a single Y chromosome can make such a mark on a population,' Tyler-Smith said. 'The chromosome could in some way confer its owners with some biological advantage. But given that a Y chromosome is little more than a biochemical switch that turns an embryo into a male child, it is hard to see how it could have such an effect.

'The other explanation is that its original possessor had some incredible social advantage over other Y chromosome possessors, allowing its owner to pass it on, over and over again. Khan fits that bill perfectly. He had many wives, and was enthusiastic in his attentions to other women.

When Mongol armies attacked, their spoils were shared among the troops and officers, with one exception. The most beautiful women were reserved for Khan.

The study also sided with the Hazara people of northern Pakistan, whose claim to be direct descendants of Khan is derided by historians. It found the Hazaras' Y chromosomes were identical to those they had already linked to Khan.

'It is not the first time the oral tradition has been proved more reliable than academic treatise,' he added. 'It takes the power of genetics to prove it, however.'

repent

build your own mink sanctuary
stop ligging mine

gategategate

first there was watergate
then there came bungate
whitewatergate
irancontragate
too many bloody gates
followed quickly by stepneygate
portfoliofuckingate
even bloody toiletgate
sitrightdownandwhittleawayatmychairgate
whats with all this neglect of toilets?
toilets have feelings too you know
anybody going to go on about watertoilet?
profumotoilet
thebottomoftheharbourtoilet
archdukeferdinandtoilet
childrenoverboardtoilet
gatetoilet? - not bloody likely
it doesnt seem right to me
why should gates get all the bright lights and unfettered adoration?
strutting about like they own the place
but owing nothing to any particular skill or outstanding achievement
but they strut the world stage with shameless abandon
winking in their graceful gateish manner at the snapping cameras
as the sheepish masses dream that they too had been born a gate
but no...
does anyone lay awake at night wishing they were a toilet?
do young children bleat at their mothers demanding to know why they too can't be a toilet?
No, No and No
Equal rights for toilets now!

staring into the abysmal

it looks dark down there
kind of windy too
perhaps its just a gust or something
i cant make out the other side
nor the bottom
and whats that odour?
i dont believe in hell
so it cant be sulfur and hellfire
it does kind of smell sulfur like though
like some kind of year 9 experiment
overseen by some zealot of perversion
perhaps with a beard
perhaps with long shorts
and long socks
not that theres anything wrong with that...
i wonder what it feels like
that weightless, senseless feeling
hang on just a moment
i know that feeling
i wouldnt mind it again
but with the disclaimer that it couldnt possibly end
the bliss without reason
and beyond any termination
a gut wrenching, logic defying certainty
you force yourself to leap
but every cell is screaming NOOOOOOOOOo
you defy nature
instincts overidden
some kind of self preservation thing that is nigh on impossible to fight
but you defeat it
in desperation perhaps?
after all fight or flight has been around since dolphins were monkeys
ive never met any
perhaps ebabes was on something
more than likely
especially that thing about chopping off the hosties hands...
what brought that on?
did she ask you to turn off your mobbily or was she just american?
thatd be enuff for me
unless she was adrianne... che figa!
back to the pit and the master grave digger
who was that man
in the pit
that is i master grave digger
fuck its hard to have gravitas at times
perhaps there is no other side
perhaps there is not bottom
so
leap or turn back
but turn back to what exactly?
swivel to see a castle on a sunlight hill?
or maybe a desolate moonscape stretching into the perma gloom?
vision imperfect
not one that i made... mind
it might well be quite nice over yonder hillock
pillock
turn your shoulders to the gaping beckoning chasm
set your nose into the wind
and check out what really is over there
around that allegorical corner
beyond that metaphorical tumescence
now everything is lovely
a one and a two and a three and a four...

Big, gay Smithers.....

Moe: "...and I'm taking your favorite song out of the jukebox."
Homer: "'It's Raining Men?'"
Moe: "Yeah, not no more it ain't."
When a record thrown by Moe hits Smithers in the head, Smithers appears to get excited when he sees the record's title "It's raining Men."

When Burns is overcome with emotion, he tells Smithers that he loves him. Smithers replies, "The feeling is more than mutual, sir."

During the nuclear meltdown scare, Smithers makes Burns' last few moment on earth socially awkward by confessing his love for the old man. When Springfield Nuclear Power Plant is about to suffer catastrophic meltdown. Burns remarks "I guess there's nothing left but to kiss my sorry ass good-bye." Smithers asks, "May I, sir?"

When Burns asks Smithers what he thought if he started sniffing his crotch and slobbering all over him. Smithers replies, "If you did it, sir?"

When Burns fantasies about Marge, he asks Smithers about that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window. Smithers groans with pleasure, imagining Burns himself flying through his bedroom window. Smithers says, "You've been reading my wishbook, sir."

When Burns and Smithers attend the ballet, Burns says, "Bah! Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing!" To which, Smithers replies, "A little mincing would be nice."

When Lisa seeks Smithers for help in contacting the inventor of Malibu Stacey, Smithers gets the information from his home computer. When he turns the computer on, the computer screen shows a nude Burns that utters in broken English: "Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on."

In this episode, Smithers basically shows a lot of resentment towards Burns courting Marge's mother. When Burns asks for help in composing a love letter, Smithers recites "`Darling one, read my words and hear my heart speak of a love soft and undying: a love that will be with you always. Sincerely,' yatta, yatta, yatta." Burns asks how he thought it up so fast. Smithers cries, "I sent it to you on your birthday! [sob] Excuse me, I have something in my eye!"

Burns asks Smithers to take off his belt; Smithers replies, "with pleasure, sir."

Smithers is "caught on film" leaving a burlesque house. Burns demands an explanation; Smithers replies, "My parents insisted I give it a try."

Smithers is a little unsetted when Burns asks him if he was doing something gay. "You know, lighthearted, fancy-free, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town." Smithers replies, "Exactly, sir," followed by darting eyes.

In a restaurant Smithers discovers John, who is a homosexual, eating dinner with the Simpson family, and becomes upset.
Smithers: So this is your "sick mother"?
John: Don't do this to me, Waylon.

Smithers is head of the "Waylon Smithers Dancers" on "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour." Plus, he performs a slightly-altered version of Devo's "Whip It" while wearing a pair of very revealing chaps.

In Homer's gymnastics flashback, we see a young Smithers at a microphone saying, "Well, that's the end of the girls' floor exercises, now let's bring on the men!"

When Lisa's message-rocket breaks into Mr. Burns's office and lands in his suit, the old man tells Smithers he has "a rocket in my pocket." Waylon's knowing reply: "You don't have to tell me, sir."

During the "In the Navy" musical number, Smithers is seen dancing next to the Village People.

When Mr. Burns goes through his lunch, he comes across... "One jar of garlic pickles. No one will want to kiss me after these, eh Smithers?" "It's their loss, sir."

bastard, bastard, bastard universe

In your infinite ear

the klinsey report

have a blonde mullet
play for good teams-Samp
play for bad teams-Spurs
get loads of goals
dive like a swan with diving boots on
score a LOT
move to the united states of bollocks
manage the national team
get third
get happy
get out

what envil ordered for dessert

lashings of wilderbeest with pilchards woven into their beards
3 braised hammerhead sharks (heads stuffed with camel)
a dozen oxens in goat sauce
a nuclear family of woolly mammoths dipped in haggis juice
7 emporer penguins steamed in crab water
a school of swordfish suspended under goat dripping
roasted pterydactyls with dodo carpaccio
tasmian tiger steaks with bull ant paste
a single blue whale filled with cow intestines
the last auroch with a bad attitude
a 60 metre giant squid basted with baboon arse
17 highland cows with weaves
2 overfed saber toothed tigers with horse blood dipping sauce
a delightful brontosauras and diplodocus platter
3 camel trains with extra hoof
a shoal of dugongs rammed with caviar
146 geese, force fed to foie gras fever
4 sea lions with fluffy kitten noodles
silverback gorilla sausages
a horde of roast boars with neanderthal tricep pancakes
white rhino testes topped with sharks fin fingers
12 metric tonnes of wichety grubs, deep fried in lard
rat nipple chips
8 salt water crocodiles filled with tree kangaroo ears
10 toucans with earth worm coating
a mating pair of polars bears, stuffed with panda bears
one pack approximately of wolverines

and a cherry

i know better than you... so bog off

one night a motley crew went to a vegetarian restaurant in downtown St Pancreas
it was hard to get any good munch that wasn't secretly stuffed or laced with animal products
such was the indignation in all right minded members of the party that seating was re-arranged stealthily to resemble a yurt
'that'll show those backwards bastards' said one leading troublemaker
as she made some trouble
whether they were shown or not remains open to speculation
because a display of hands was held under the table
which didnt clarify all that much
except that there wasn't any chewing gum under said tables
with more than casaul righteousness they perused alain menu
how refreshing it is to be able to chooose something more than chips
said a vegan with square glasses
before banging on horribly about what a big wanker he was
it was easy for this lot feel pleased about their lives
the group agreed on the save the planet macrobiotic vegatarian feast
macrobiotic hommus for starters
with miso soup and tofu
bread made from only the best treated wild ryes
mains were lentils and kidney bean consomme
carrot souffle with lashings of soy cream and or yoghurt
braised pumpkin, stuffed with seeds and nuts
and a vegetable soup with quorn and nut cutlet steaks
ahhh what an ethical gourmet feast!
they gorged themselves and indulged in some organic wine
because they didnt abuse themselves in the world they live in...
conversation varied from the relative habitability of a geodesic dome
to the marvellous sacrifices made by snotty who lived in a tunnel under the motorway between bongford and slapmore
and the merits of marijuana grown in horse diahorrea as opposed to sloth stools...
remarkably, there was great accord
and then Envious Envil called for the dessert menu...

toxic vomit executives

they were rubbish