a whirlpool of SBF

According to SBF, of all Nick Caves works is the best?
What was SBF's favourite soap/drama of the 1980's?
What is the stone roses greatest song according to SBF?
Where did SBF take Nicholas Parson for dinner?
If SBF wanted to go 'right out', where would he go?
What is SBF's favourite time of day?
What was SBF's favourite insult to hurl at nerds in high school?
Which county is SBF's favourite in all of Engerland?
How does SBF paint his statues?
How did SBF feel before the start of the state championships 400m final?
Whilst in Germany, what were SBF's favourite two cities?
What type of bitch is SBF's favourite?
Why does SBF love the ghiro so much?

F.A.B

boneless
fab
gnarli
bulk rad
bitchin
gnarlin
stalin
bulk ace
way rad
gnarli rad
faceplant
tail grab
railsnail
rail slide
nose plant
superbulkgnarlirad
fakey
drop in
bunny hoppy
ollie
lunch drop
biiiiiiiirrrrrrrdman
fakey
tony hawk
kilgor the thunderstick
silverton executive deluxe
daffy
mogul
cut back
tea cosy
glenn plake
daisy
ski boots
handplant
kr kr krrrr
airborne
can't do nuthin for you man....

i'm going off to write some poetry

here i go
and really off now
no more messing about
i know i have threatened it before
but this time
its the biz
no more pussyfooting
no more pencil tapping
no more PROcrastination
the poetry is beckoning
its 'calling my name'
so im off then am I?
thanks for the lift
thanks for the beer
thanks for the repetition
oops
got sidetracked then
i was just pointing out how i was going off to write some poetry
not like the other times at all
not even in the same bloody hemisphere
wish i wasnt
as what?
internal dialogue is probably not best placed
anyway
dunque
quindi
communque
allora
poi
that'd be stalling then
ive got one foot on the dooooorstep
fucking hurts
some bastard shouldnt have closed the dooooooor
could be a good po tapioca mind
im going off to write a po of po
nothing to do with great big fuck off rivers
not ones that cross an entire country
indubitably none that start in enormous alpi
that define an industrial heartland
or that would make a daft border
for a pretend country
that some twats want to invent
despite the fact that it would be cutting off so many good bits
not terrone at all
and that there are a zillion other more valid claims of statehood in the area
a couple of republics that lasted nearly a millenia
lega dei fucking stronzi
as i finally take my leave
to go off to write some poetry
instead of farnarkeling
and fucking about
or showing anybody else how to do it
it should be noted in the po of po about the po
that an english bloke and some other bloke
took a little boat and went from top to bottom
or from west to east
dublin cool
there you go
grandiose enuff for you?
i'm going off to write some poetry...

i had a dream...

i was asleep at the time

rob?

rob?
rob?
rob?
rooooooooooob?
robbbb?
rob?
rob?
rob?
rob?
rob?
robbage?
robbo?
robster?
robmeister?
robbers dog?
bob?
bob a job?
vegas?
degas?
vagueless?
robo?
rob-bo?
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrob?
roberto?
robredo?
robweiller?
robrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobloodyrob?
hearthrob?
rob peter to pay mary?
roberrrrrrrrrrrrr(t)?
robespierre?
robs spear?
rob-you-like?
i-cant-believe-its-not-rob?
highway robbery?
robson greene?
robson jerome?
rob-me-nots?
robbie?
guardaroba?
wardrobe?
no probs?
no robs?
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ROB!

we've come to wish you an unhappy birthday

birthdays are grate
they are a big opportunity to be self indulgent
and get drunk and be as silly as possible in public places
you get presents and cards
and people are generally nice to you
except arseholes you arent ever nice
and of course there are those tossers who are 2 faced twats
who are nice to you and are really just self obsessed fuckers
i chose life
i chose wife
i chose knife
wasnt going to do nowt
but ended up going to the moofies
saw a goode fillum
larfed, larfed, larfed
then larfed a bit more
kwality innit?
then off the the Jorge
on a lovely warm evening
and had a big fat pint of...
water
yep, water all the way
kind of takes the thrill out of going to the pub
man that beer looked good
it smelled good too
i could have had a right carry on
carrying on
and that was that
BFW

frothing frightfully frothily

the door opens
a blur storms in
not alex, graeeeme, damon or the other one, trevor?
quick
panic
jump up
fall down
drop everything
pick up slacks
all phone calls have become superfluous
but that beavis away
what have i done?
what hasnt he done?
what might they do?
the bottom boggles
ive only got 12 minutes
until the big meltdown
does my hair look big in this
help me adjust my arse
ive done something mad
everything has gone mandarin shaped
i met a bus
the bus said maybe
i threw the bus
douse the place
kill all the insect life
especially the ones that bite under chins
drown the expressed horizontality
gas the masses
unveil the mail
quaff the toff
rant
rave
then maybe throw in a little carry on
open the grudge
ah sod this
the architects are making it too difficult

what may be called barsly and what may not

what may;
stupid birds on telly
barlsy
chocolate rabbits
stupid dogs on telly
random animals
connor moo
brindle staffies
any type of staffy
any dog
most cats
wombats
badgers
the occasional horse
the ones that arent barking mad english people
hippopotamususussusususu
beavis
kiss him now
bog off rsvp
the entirety of staffordshire
no plants, bog off
quality works of art
various deities
good looking football mascots
marty willson piper both old and new


what may not;
german racial superiority
pool tables
ladyboys
peter koppes
fridges
footpaths
long walks on the beach
turnips
earings
railroad tracks
skinned chicken
chicken with skin
computers
turds
feather boas
birds that dont talk to me
anal holidays
bananas
termites
rats
peoples butts
almond slivers


cardinal rule, if in doubt DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

punting miss hazy

lets watch that thing
you know the one
the one with those guys in it
its four of them
they drive around
you DO know the one
it starts with L
no
its not barsly
oh look
an engineer
with big teeth
oh look
he looks like fat travis
at least from the nose down
the most attractive particles
stop tormenting me
you know that you know that you know it
you just dont want to say it
quick
hide the screams
you never know
if you never went
four trees in court?
fourplays outside?
bobby met robbie bowled knobbie?
marty met marty and they both ruled
not the old one mind
its the new one
or the young one
which is the same as the old one
the new one is the old one
the old one is the young one
once in every lifetime.....
there comes a bus like this
oh i need something
you need something
oh my something
i cant be something
or rather
shes gone

very big insects

there has been an outbreak of very big insects around these parts
not sure where they came from
they sure are noisy though
there must be a dozen different types of em
buzzing
roaring
whining
droning
howling
and making whatever other noises insects make
some are of the flying variety
quite a few actually
they are really noisy bastards
buzzing away
and sometimes making huge whooshing booming sounds
tis a good thing im not scared of insects
then there is the almost constant whining of the earth bound ones
they seem to be higher pitched
and in abundant varieties
it's almost as if they are performing some kind of ritual out there...
they gradually get louder
then fade away
only to come back louder than ever
i must investigate these goings on
with my long socks and sandals
safari suit
howard carter hat
stupid facial hair
and the mother of all butterfly nets
particularly strange buggers
im sure you will agree...

Arsed too

not at this exact moment,
but i feel the moose is loose in the hoose

Arsed?

no neither can I...

lo schifo che faccio

ci sono tanti...e si
un mondo di schifo in cui riesco ad immergermi...
questo schifo riguarda la grammatica e la lingua italiana
sono capace di fare un schifo tremendo con questa cosa
fammi vedere un po
con ogni tipo di frase
con le domande
con gli imperativi
con le frase semplici
con il conguintivo
con il passato, in tanti, ma tanti frasi
con il futuro... idem
anche con il presente
in ogni angolo della lingua
io ci saro per fare schifo
e non e' che devo sforzarmi
probabilmente c'e li ho fatti una dozzina finora in questo blog
e ora
presentando
il campione dello schifo
nel angolo buio
con il volto buio
....

the slacking song

slacking slackly slackage slack slackers slacken slacks slacked slackdom
the limes soaked
the goat got poked
they all went to Nirvana in a little moat boat called Mantchet
(after having duly paid Charon, naturally)
slack slack

the mookskeeper

Give me a head of hair, long beautiful hair....
Shinin', gleamin', steamin flax n' waxin',

What constitutes a great haircut?
When you aren't crying at the end of it?
When your hair isn't green?
Blue?
Purple?
The Jennifer Aniston DO?
Hollywood's a bitch...

What about the idea of.......happiness?
Happy with your lebanese macho boy do?
Black roots with blonde tips...
Crafed into a stunning masterpiece of a mohawk?

Shave your head, feed the world!
Why do all Africans have shaved heads? Or cornrolls?
To combat flies? Ticks?
Or for fashion?

Why do dykes cut their hair like boys?
Aren't women attracted to other women with long hair?

Why won't Travis shave his head? Is it vanity?
Or Insanity?
When the clippers are charged and ready to go...
He won't take the dive into skinheadism.....

Oh why oh why is life such a dilemma about one's hair?

warning;goats may bite your clothes

but they never did
at least i got the foto tho
it may have been wiser to have a warning about the deer
the deers my be presumptuous gits
could at least have hinted at it
go over that bloke
and buy some of those funny round cracker things
like the pidgies rat thangs at trafalgar square
not to be confused with trafalgar place
thatd be a far substantially different thing
get your cracker things here
look at the luvverly bambi babies
protected by lore and law
not like humans that werent part of that master race
sidle over
make your own difference
proffer your hands
as if making an offer to some god or other
for trevors saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
they are all cute and wuddly
sure
keeps your palm flat
like with horses or goat like beaver machines
the ones that may bite your clothes
thats the ticket
in the sun
amongst the trees
but in the shadow of a magnificent tower
that would be kulcha then
here, sweet doe eyed doe
try some of this
arrghghhghghghgh
settle downvis
who is that in my pock-it?
have i fallen off a bus into harare?
umm no
gnash and gnarl (i rad)
eat
munch
nibble
gnaw
skull
ooottay there!
stop it
stop it
stop it
sure
get stuck into those shorts
not like i needed them anyway
arms
below the elbow they are just wasting away anyway
legs ?
nooo didnt want them
who needs to ambulate these days?
go on
get stuck in
an arse?
superfluous...
funk dat
whats needed here is a big fancy venison steak
or
ooooh let me see
a couple of hundred
blessed beasts
protected by that lore thing
lets skulk off then

i present thyself

oh just fuck off
i will present myself
once and again
a buffoon for a buffoons sake
yes
judge fucking me
like all the arseholes before
small minded fucks
choose your fucking continent
you
the twat with the professorship
you with the put upon look
fuck you
right in the ear
dr fucking ignoramus
at the end of the tram line
your immodesty will burn your arse in hell
look
its me again
smile before you perish
your profession gives a licence
to get fuckin fucked
oops
it fell on down there
the next contender will be
fuck off
mr fucking twat
small fucking mind
no
thats okay
you have position of power
just wait for an axe
fuck you
you ponder
and i will judge
many pieces of small shit
how many turds do you need to need
to be build a shitecastle

62 second dub

not as if pressure would ever come to beeeear
that wouldnt do
one sits where one does
one could never judge
its best not that way
one might converse with somebody elses fool
lest they belong to another being
thank fook for that
heres to all the dead ({)}s
imagine
just for a river that runs through the city of your olimpiadi
how much good that wil bring
a slip of the twixt
funk dat
engage with a person
not a bracket
what difference would it make?
is it passive of better?
ecko gecko
the smile gas
bring me some more of that pleeeease
the thread my have passed you by
me too.
dont open your hart
it would sound untrue
frank and sense
keith and kevin streets
a suburb with an uncertain future
why not let me sit in judgement?
lest not a fool make a small decision
best not to die before you sleep
no beast shall wake the righteous
find your messiah?
more fucking fool fucking you