it's seafood tuckerbag but with FRESH PAINT!

http://www.realestate.com.au/cgi-bin/rsearch?a=o&id=105238072&cc=AUSTRALIA&c=32326037&p=10&s=vic&snf=rbs&t=res&tm=1225328211

and its only 40 kilometres from civilization!

504

remarkable
this is the 504th posting on this blog
including all the rubbish ones that got posted twice
all the daft ones that only had a couple of words
all the silly pictures and videos and links
that i put when i couldnt be arsed thinking up some tripe to type
from humble beginnings this blog has moved on to humble middle bits
to equally humble more recent bits
humble in the sense of the not up to much
not humble in the sense of unassuming and non judgemental
there is plenty of bokko, generalisations and plain venom filled rants
there have been a few posts in italian
and maybe one or two in spanish
perhaps a half dozen written by guest posters
many greats including, suzanne, kez, dave, beavis, catherine, erik, jehovis, camel and lisa
a lot more greats have been hassled in the attempt to make them write
but they were too smart for all that...
there have been some travelish blogs
stories of being in italy, the uk and venezuela and even one from taiwan
stories of being bored out of small skull
it started off rather convoluted and wilfully obscure
but that ended up to too much hard work
of late there has been riveting series of the world guide
slandering and libelling, making huge generalisations and nasty innuendo about every country on the planet
blatant ripping of of lyrics by songwriters of the great and good departments
and a dozen or so blogs about a pretty little hairy geezer who sits nearby me licking his legs
go beavis!
who can possibly know what marvels await in the future of this blog
probably about none... thats how many
tall tales and turtles
adventures on the high seas and at the low pubs
incredibly perspective diatribes on the geopolitical state of the world
or just more bollocks...

deiner schuer

Apathy
Beavis
Chadstone
Doooooooooooooooooorrrrrrr
Ebabes
Flaky
Grasping
Hair appointment
Ignorant
Jeff lover
Klu Klux Klan
Lazy
Malvern East tennis club
Nancy Reagan
Old
Peugeot
Querelous
Racist
Short While
Two minute noodle hair
Underwhelming
Vacant
Why?
Xenophobe
Yawn
Zealot

a-gog

picture this
it is 1991
australia is being run by the labor party
or is that the labour party?
paul keating had usurped bob hawke only recently
it left a bitter taste in the mouth
bob was such a chchchchcharismatic bloke
the bloke that said any boss that sacks his underlings for being late to work the day australia 2 won the americas cup was a bastard
a real man of the people
so it was a bit sad that he got bumped by keating
who seemed a bit uppity
but bob had lost his touch
power had most certainly gone to his head
it was time for a new figure
and he turned out to be very impressive
wiping the floor with i challenge the prime minister and other conservative arses
lots of people were still ranting about how they didnt vote for him
but in this country we dont vote for prime ministers
we vote for political parties
year 12 had fizzled out
i had missed it entirely
it was a blur of chippiness and bore
angst and snore
then a year dedicated to sloth
booze, dope and fags
all kinds of extremes
jumping the back fence
walking through that bit of grass to the bottle shop
sitting outside on the steps with champelli spumante and 2 bottles of beer
visits to the tennis court car park and the primary school at night
bruce the fuckwit carrying on
then to blackburn and good good times
that palled quite quickly
the bullshit and cds being paraded
the ties hanging off the walls
the jim man impersonations
that so many people fell for
and ended up being so very transparent
sorry for being slightly perceptive man
it was very impressive though
most people fell for it most of the time
i always thought it must be incredibly hard work
livers and lungs and brains took an enormous belting
as did the phone bill
there was a couch above the front door
there was a mountain of rubbish on the nature strip
that the council threatened us about so we had to hire a skip
there were some pathetic dope plants in the backyard
that a couple of morons tried to steal and got busted!
there was twatkins being as painful as sbf if not worse
there was a bite out of the toilet seat and tomato sauce on it
the dishes pile high
and a constant stream of visitors
some people would just come over and hang out
completely uninvited
some of them were fucking buttocks
a girl lived under our pool table for a few weeks
and someone who was proud of the fact that he hadnt washed or clean his teeth in weeks
a big plastic bin full of cigarette butts
there was the bearded ladies party
the buying dresses and wandering around the streets in them
an almost big punch up between that bloke and that bloke
a room entirely full of stolen street signs and traffic cones
a trip to elwood beach at night
tripping away
lying on the sand staring at the clouds
manipulating them to form rabbits and other animals
but i tired of it after a few months
just when harder drugs were looming
along with a bit of petty crime
i didnt want a part of that
and i was bored with all the lies and charades
so i got a haircut, a purple shirt and some ridiculous blue trousers
and moved out
to start afresh after my year off
decided to repeat year 12 as an 'adult' at the tafe
where i met agog....

he took her to a (bad) movie

He met her in the pub, he took her to a movie
and when they'd listened to some dub, he took her to a movie
and after all the trub, he took her to a movie
but so did I

and when her head was sore, he took her to a movie
she's always been such a whore, he took her to a movie
and should she become bore, he took her to a movie
but so did I

I think she's been on the smack, he took her to a movie
when they cut off her crack , he took her to a movie
and when she couldnt hide the tracks, he took her to a movie
but so did I

there's nothing left to do, he took her to a movie
but she's a junkie too, he took her to a movie
we're now sniffing glue, he took her to a movie
but so did I

Portfolio eye view of the world - S Part 1

S
Saint Kitts and Nevis
They say a long time ago a big asteroid came hurtling across the galaxy and biffed into what is now the caribbean sea. I wonder what effect this had on Saint Kitts and Nevis, probably a damp one. Nevis is a cool name innit?
travel advice-there is a subtle difference between going to the bleach and going to the beach.

Saint Lucia
There sure are a lot of saints floating around that aforementioned sea. They probably all are quite similar, little islands with poor people who are good at running on them.
travel advice-dont pour beach on your clothes to get rid of the spots.

Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Yes, do carry on all you sainty island groovers. I have no idea how many grenadines there are, but they sound like a kind of booze. Much better than Saint Vincent and the Grenadiers. I am sure its lovely around these parts thar.
travel advice-When will there be a saint buttmunch or some such other cool named saint, just to liven things up a bit?

Samoa
well thank fuck its not saint samoa. at least we leave the spiffy caribbean to go to the spiffy south west pacific to Samoa. There are actually two Samoas; this one and American. As you could probably guess the godlblessamericans stole the latter. wankers. I went to the samoa once when i was rather short and i dont really remember much about it, chanced are the samoans dont really remember much about me either. fair play.
travel advice-you could do worse than sitting on the beach, eg sitting on the bleach

San Marino
It is a real country. no really. Despite the fact that the country is about 20 cm x 13 cm, it counts as a country. It is wholly surrounded by italy, coz its in italy! The san marinesi speak italian and have a castle. Apparently San Marino actually did something cool centuries ago in the human rights field, though I am buggered if i can remember it and i REFUSE to do research. There is a San Marino formula 1 grand prix but this is actually not in san marino, confusing!
travel advice-go to italy and turn left, or right, depending on where you are.

Sao Tome and Principe
Some more islands in the sun, but far more exotically located ones. Sao Tome and Principe are a group of islands located not far from africas armpit. (my vernacular). I suspect they were once portuguese so you can probably hear jdjddjjdjdjdjddjdjdj if you listen closely. I also suspect there is oil wealth in that there armpit so there are probably 4 rich people on the islands and everybody else is horridly poor. As that is the way it is done in africa.
travel advice-these islands sound like a proper exotic place to me, i would love to got there, but perhaps for the locals box hill north back beach would be exotic.

Far be it from me...

the bering strait...

har har...

Portfolio eye view of the world - R

R
Romania
Welcome to eastern europe, land of ickle girls bouncing around on beams and throwing balls in the air and vlad dracul. Unlike its neighbours, Bulgaria, Greece et al the romanians speak a latin based language. It has one of the highest populations of gypsies anywhere which is bad news for the romanians. Communism arrived, built horrible buildings and they also had ceacescu who was a complete buttock of a dictator. Many romanians fled to western europe and became huge maggoty fuckers causing all kinds of criminal grief.
travel advice-count dracula is a real guy, in fact all romanians are draculas, so go to bucharest and and bite someone on the neck to make a friend.

Russian Federation
Russia is big, really, really, fucking big. Not panty waste big like australia or china.. its huuuuuuge. stretching from the baltic to the pacific, from slavic europeans to far eastern asian peoples. Russia has had a long history of being a big bad backwards bully. The tsars were tosspots and kicked about with nobs like rah, rah, rasputin russias favourite love machine. Catherine the great didnt even die shagging a horse and ivan the terrible didnt get that name for being a super fab loveable guy. After the bolshies got bolshy then came the soviet onion Lenin and Stalin, a psycopathic prick if ever there was one. As the 'evil empire' it trashed everybodys houses, invaded afghanistan, murdered anybody with a brain in a gulag, sent a dog called laika into space without any dog biscuits and generally tried to fuck with the whole planet. It fell over in the 1980's but now the kgb is back with vlad the anal impaler putin and russia is back to its bloody old tricks in chechnya, georgia, ukraine and poisoning defectors in london and journalists in moscow. The home of great literature, arts and vodka its just a pity that russians seem to be desirous of a 'strongman (farking carnt) as a leader. It is massively corrupt so you can see why russian chicks are trying to snag foreign blokes all over the internerd.
travel advice- st petersburg would be groovy and there is the trans ringwood railway, just outside zone 3.

Rwanda
Start thinking genocide, Hutus, Tutsis and french bastards (and other westerners) who couldnt be arsed making an effort to save hundreds of thousands of lives because they were black and besides, there was camembert to munch, gooses to be force fed with sticks and rubbish pretentious movies to make. Rwanda is a very small country in central africa that is still recovering from the monstrous genocide of the 1990's and suffered a major setback earlier this year when beavis came by and spoke shit french at them. The good news is that he left and that they have officially decided to ditch french and take up english as an official language... har har.
travel advice-dont get a time machine and go to rwanda during the genocide, that would be very grim and you will most likely lose control of your bowels, if indeed your bowels havent been macheted off.

Einstein kicks religions arse for 34 goals 15

BOKKO YOU BILIOUS RELIGIOUS BUNGHOLES!!! - EINY


From a letter, dated January 3 1954

On organised religion in general;
"The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this."

On Judaism and the obscene 'chosen ones' claim;
"For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people. As far as my experience goes, they are no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything 'chosen' about them."

tonight in the wwhorrrrrrrrrllllllllllddddddddddddddd

so whats going on today care of sbf news at 6.30?

#beepity beepity beepity blonkity beep#

First up a whole lot of banging on about the credit cruch, bank bollocks, money for pensioners, politicians queuing up to get on telly and crap on about it, then in godblessamerica and europe similar stuff goes down...arent we all very big and clever mr and mrs politician in berlin/canberra/london/godblessamerica city...
general market uppity up news, around the world.... aha... yep thatd be that shitty system in decay then ... has anybody heard the godblessamericans apologise for this enormous fuck up yet?
thailand v cambodia border stuff, confrontation, thai troops pull back, no they didnt... somewhere along the enormarse border people cant decide what is whose what is whose.. there is a pretty khmer temple in the middle of it. thai troops are on one side and cambodians on the other being cranky and mooning each other but this time the thai farangs actually played on the temple and the cambodians threw sticks and beans at them... and told them to get out or there would be big im telling my mummy trub...
3 charged in indonesia about terrorism, another three indonesians have been charged with terrorism (and without having the army's permission) and news about bali bombers who might be getting shot to death and small pieces very soon.. the death penalty really is barbaric, these days only third world countries like indonesia, china and godblessamerica allow it..
the john howard racist cunt intervention in the northern territory has been looked at, with changes proposed, I propose that john howard be strung up from a bridge and we can throw rotten tomatoes and javelins covered in napalm at him...
tasmanian police comissioner charged with illegaly disclosing private stuff to a couple of politicians... how fucking exciting! perhaps he disclosed how the whole state in is in the thrall of Gunns bastard forest massacring, habitat destroying and environment destroying inc.
Victorian police sexual crime squad investigating minister re sexual assault allegations, it is alleged he failed to sniff a chair or eat his own bootlaces...
dead australian girliy in croatia update, it is big news coz she is kinda cutesy and blonde...vaffanculo. her dad claims that the croats did a crap job of poking her body stick coz they found no signs of violence..and wants another autopsy in ossstraya... usual pants bias or have his corduroy dungarees rolled up?
tibetan leader say conditions worse, the chinese imperialist pricks initiated a crackdwon for olypmics and a HUGE surprise they havent lifted it! Shock!!! dictator state invades neighbour state and acts like an enormous maggot.. china you are a fucking prick!
Mbeki back in zimbabwe coz of mugabe fucking over deal.. ;yes, that top bloke, freedom fighter and murdering, corrupt lowlife has reneged on his deal to not be such an arsehole and form a nicey nicey everybody hold hands government of unity.. and then another HUGE surprise, he goes back on it and gives all the jobs that count to his matesy... just fuck off and die of aids. and while you are at it, give some aids to mbeki too so he can feel the fate he caused tens of thousands of south africans.
austrian cyclist kohl busted for doping in the tour de france... the bloke who came third and won the spotty botty jersey has just been busted with these fab new blood tests that are catching loads of cheating bikey nerdy maggots, lets hope they catch uber maggot armstrong by his one nad...
north korea stops nuking again now that godblessamerica have said that they are no longer 'big girly arse-faces with no mates and a booger for a brain' on telly... and on the game goes.. what would happen if mcccain bunghole or obabalama were pres? sigh...
In the upcoming canadian election some bloke is the favourite.. i wonder if i stick this pencil up my nose if i will think in greylead?
And finally, the usual blahdeblah bunkum about the upcoming godblessamerica election, just fucking get over it! we dont live there! obamalama is winning and trying to keep his sensible trousers up with braces and mccain is trying any old thing he can and palin is a horrid backward little slag...

#beepity beepity beepity blonkity beep#

now you know all that matters... go paint your camel blue

Word puzzle...

+ SO = ?

geddit?

Hint-swearing in foreign languages is fun!

When I first met your (Em)ma...

(almost the first time)

When I first met your mother
I was wandering around a hostel in omonia
She was hanging with some yank
That foolish yank kept saying mackedonia
She looked so muppety and groovy
As she sat on those stairs
And I was not the only one
Talking to that schnaa
When I first met your ma

When I first visited your mother
I was with anna once again
We drove a hire car to the countryman
There she got some beers in
We could not stop our drinking
Then she whispered in my ear
'You're quite pissed you know
So let's not drive too fast'
When I first visited your ma

Em like a butterfly flaps about
You'll discover this, no doubt
Em like a butterfly flaps about

When we first lived together
Inside her student house
We often smoked some spliff
As we giggled with Grim, Martin and Chris
From the next room came pounding, twas juicy on the job
I scarpered two blocks in swansea rain
I could have scarpered ten more
When I first rented her room from your ma

Em she sure knows how to blag
You'll find out that she's no slag
Em she sure knows how to blag....

Portfolio eye view of the world - Q

Q
Qatar
Just a little pensinsula off the arabian disgrace of land in the persian gulf between asia and africa. Qatar may have a history of 234345343434 years as camel molesters but as far as pevw is concerned they are all arab islamic nutters. As an example of how mad they are, they allow a mad swede to live there and prosper no less. Apart from the horrid backwards usual rubbish about islamic states, qatar makes a big effort to be bungholes by importing athletes from africa and footballers from south america to perform great sporting feats for their new 'country'. Wankers
travel advice-go and get drunk with marten and see the grand prix, then tell the locals to stop being such backwards fuckers.

he's got a beard and a hat!

Ballad of the Skeletons by Allen Ginsberg and some scouser...
Wizard, really first rate!

the local paper shop

THE PROPRIETOR IN FRONT OF THE LOCAL PAPER SHOP

i am quite fond of the local paper shop
they have local papers
they have food and drinks
they have dips and pet food
they have an interesting array of staff
they have rather good specials
they have fags and booze
and beer promotions that arent massively cheap
but sucker me on a regular basis
especially the one with the grand ridge bizz
there is the indianish bloke who looks permanently stoned
who munches his lunch around the side and yacks on his mobily
there is the proper indian bloke who has square glasses and is a bit too cheery
there is the cutesy girly with the dyed hair who works on sundays
there is the rather thick lady who is sometimes there
in the delicatessen department there is a pretty good turnover
even that chick from colombia whom i am sure will call me soon
there are loads of other people who seem to drive through
i quite often go to the local paper shop
sometimes i wonder if i go there too often
its that bloody bloke again they might whispher
before scanning my card yet again
and giving me the slip to sign
no, i dont sign underwear
its a receipt right!?
they seem to understand my vocal etchings
they must be from our area....

Portfolio eye view of the world -P part 2

P
Paraguay
Not to be mixed up with that other great guay, Uru, Paraguay is further north and inland on the south american continent. I once waded in the river that is the border between Paraguay and Agentina, but you probably dont care about that. They speak thththth in Paraguay and they have a big dam that beavis was interested in. I tried to enter the country once but there was some visa rubbish going on.
Travel advice-watch out for visa rubbish going on and look at a big dam.

Peru
Celestine prophecy or not Peru is a country that inspires the imaginations of lots of people. which means its more the pity that the country is a complete toilet. That most certainly isnt the fault of the Incas and their forebears who built all that cool stuff, its entirely the fault of the current day peruvians who are maggoty and cynical. Macchu Picchu et al are quite extraordinary but you have to tolerate all kinds of fuckers to get there. Catherine has been to peru, with switters the birdie and Tania the nutty, although she probably doesnt remember it. There is a thththththth level three alert all over the country.
travel advice-cash on in all the free drinks on offer around cuzco, one drink and then onwards...

Philippines
A nation of 25,4747m838 islands in the western pacific, philippines (the) probably have a lot of boats. They only relatively recently escaped from being a part of the thththth empire, so happily you dont have to hear ththth when you visit, but many names and place names are very thththh.
After that the nasty japanese showed up and were generally very bastardy, then the godblessamericans showed up for ww2 and very hard to stick around and run the show but the philipinos gave them the finger. All power to the filipinos! Imelda Marcos is the most famous philipino about these days, she stole milllions from the country and spent it all on shoes.
travel advice-go quickly coz there wont be any forest left next week, also avoid the southern islands unless you like being killed by islamist morons.

Poland
Sandwiched between Russia and Germany, Poland wins the most dangerous location award every time. Constantly invaded and trashed by these two historical paradigms of good neighbourly behaviour, Poland is doing fab just to be around. Poland has some of the most beautiful women on the planet and some of the dodgiest porno 'tached blokes too. The poles used to rumble with the swedes when they were tough, then the teutonic knights showed up and called it Prussia. Hitler and Stalin divvied up the land for themselves and then fucked everybody over, once again. After WW2, the russians annexed it and turned it into a shitty communist state. I have only been to Krakow and surrounds, Krakow is fucking gorgeous because the nazis didnt get a chance to blow it up (unlike the rest of the country) but nearby is oscwiecim or Auschwitz as the germans called it, the most fucked up place on earth. Brrrrr...
Famous Poles include Lech Walensa, Stan and the three colours trilogy director bloke. These days half the poles live in england being plumbers.
travel advice-to to auschwitz, then wait a while before meeting any germans if you dont wish to be jailed.

Portugal
Portugal is the westernmost part of continental europe and they talk djdjjdjdjdjdjdj, which is very similar to thththhththt, at least in writing. It takes up only a small part of iberia but the portuguese did a smashing job of adventuring in the ahem 'new' world, they were all over the shop. Marten wants to retire there to a fishing village and a lot other people say its fab. As they are the only country in western europe that demands a holiday visa from nationals of my ilk i say they can go fuck themselves.
travel advice-i'm not bothering about it until they cut that shit out.. buttholes

Portfolio eye view of the world-P part 1

P
Pakistan
Pakistan came into being when the english decided to carve up the sub contintent to seperate those gazillion cheeky hindus from those gazillion naughty muslims. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but quite frankly these neighbours dont get along (with nukes). The majority of the muslims took their lives into pakistan, an alleged democracy and into east pakistan, which is now bangladesh. Of course it all went toilet shaped and now pakistan is one of the major sources of frettage the world over. A country effectively run by the military with a hell of a lot of muslim extremists in positions of power and some of them have access to nuclear weapons. The regions next to the afghanistan border are teeming with religious nutbags who 'hate us because we are free'. In addition to this bag o tricks, they are constantly nearly at war with india of kashmir and they loooove cricket.
travel advice-stay the fuck away.

Palau
Well its an island or some islands in the pacific. apart from this i have no fucking idea. famous palauns include ironclad the goldfish and seatboot the palm tree near the beach.
travel advice-when you go over the dateline, does your body know its younger/older?

Palestine
Palestine should be where israel is, but it isnt for many varied PROFOUNDLY WRONG reasons, guilt, money, phony ethnicity claims and other idiocy. Sadly, many palestinians live in desperation because of the terrorist state (israel) oppressing them in their own country. This gives the islamic religious fuckwits lots of excuses to brainwash them. Palestine these days is known mainly for the fact that it is continously a place of armed conflict.
travel advice-i would rather eat my own hairy toe knuckles than go there.

Panama
Apparently there is a panama city hotel which bob mould thought was so cool it was worth writing a song about. Panama is the skinniest bit of central america so some digging people dug a big hole in it so shipping wouldnt have to all the way around south america. Good Idea! But, as a country in central america they have to speak thththhththth and probably have very little money or tin snips.
travel advice-if you're ugly forget it, I on the other hand am fab so I am going there sometime soon

Papua New Guinea
So who was the buttock who thought this placed should be called Guinea? Does it look like a west african country? no, it bloody doesnt! It is a big island directly north from ossstraya and the last of the major islands of the chain that consists otherwise of indonesia. Unfortunately, because the indonesians are arseholes they rigged it so when the europeans pissed off, they managed to steal half of the island which they now rule via intimidation and terror and are trying to engineer the society into an indigineous minority by importing lots of javanese. This is shit and inexcusable and the silence of western countries on the matter is a fucking disgrace. Free West Papua. Incidentally, it was formerly an australian colony so we could pretend we were a big tough country like euros and yanks.
travel advice-the last known cannibals ceased munching people 40 years ago, so its probably a bit safer these days.

how to be a professional football manager... by Joe Kinnear

if it comes to the crunch we'll do lunch with the bunch from the east

these american banks and other money wankers that claim to have brought on the crunch
theyve never even heard of the crunch
sure they caused a worldwide financial meltdown
but they certainly havent been to been to the crunch
it seems they loaned money to any buttknockers that asked for it
without even receiving a postcard from the crunch
bungholes who could never afford houses and dillweeds who invested stupidly got money
i certainly didnt see any of them down the boozer at the crunch
they speculated multiple millions of dollars on things that never even existed
without so much meeting a single resident of the crunch
successive moronic governments started with a useless ex-actor let these greedy fuckers run rampant
without listening to a single record from the crunch blues band
imperilling the entire planets economy and the livelihood of billions
without once glimpsing the crunch on the horizon atop a mountain
greed, greed and more greed, these leeches live for nothing but money
and never once have they watched a documentary about wildlife at the crunch
allowed to flourish by corrupt immoral politicians who were part of the whole scam
whilst never even taking the time to learn a single word of the crunchian language
when it comes to the crunch
there are very strict banking regulations there so these scum best reform their business practices
if they hope to open a branch there!

Now for 20 indented moose elbows, Bill, name that tune!

clue.. click on the pretty picture to make it all big like....

oh my god, thats some funky shit...

They are japanese, they are stripey, they have binoculars strapped to their heads and they are playing football...It's japanese binocular football and its farking hilarious!