Portfolio eye view of tthe world- H

H
Haiti
Half of an island in the caribbean, the other half being santo domingo. And amazingly a part of india, at least that's what Colombus thought when he rocked up there some centuries back. It was the first land sighted by the genoese explorer and tight arse. Things in Santa Domingo are going alright but haiti is right down the toilet. Food riots, bastardy dictators and being one of the poorest countries on the planet, with a nice climate.
travel advice-stay on a boat off the coast and launch cannon loads of food at the beach

Honduras
An ickle country in central america, most famous because godblessamerica thought it would be a good place to blow everybody up because it suited its interests in teh 1980's, hang on, thats the whole fucking planet. Large and omnipresent thththththth alert.
travel advice-dont wear a honduran flag as underwear and ostentatiously scratch your arse in the street.

Hungary
Where Juicy is right, right now. Aww, i love Juicy.... Also the home of Anita, juicy's saucy housemate. Budapest is very cool, first you have buda, then you have pest! I decided it was a good place to go pot holing and it was way cool. The hungarian language is unique in europe and has only the slightest relation to finnish. I once met two stoned girls in amsterdam who kept telling me they were hungry girls from hungary, then laughing their arses off...
Also the location of the worst formula one track on the globe.
travel advice-have a hot springy bath thing and tell me if its worth all the fuss.

R(imane) I(l) P(uzzone) beavis

the poor moribund giraffe, about to lose control of its bowels after eating the foul snack

it is a tragic piece of news
beavis has been eaten by a giraffe
giraffes have traditionally been known has vegetarians
in fact all records of giraffes
fossil and otherwise have proven them to be vegetarians
moreso than the most righteous northcote dwelling lady
he passed from this earth only 4 days ago
in the plains of burundi
it seems a giraffe thought his daft hair was vegetable growth
the deceased was with a small group of tourists on the plains of garngetfuctman
when a grazing giraffe bored of his diet of thorns and acacia
turned on the unsuspected smelly being
despite the putrid stench emanating from his behind
the giraffe nibbled on the ends of his ridiculous fro
then working its way up
started to devour his head
seeming not content with consuming his classic bone structure
it devoured the rest of his body
only briefly pausing around the waist area
before pinching its nose with a hoof
(a previously unheard of feat for a giraffe)
and downing the offending behindage area and the maggoty legs
the offending giraffe then burped profusely
before turning a bizarre greenish colour
vomiting violently the keeling over on its back
dying a horrible violet death with its legs 34 feet vertically raised in the air
the only remains of the snack was a reeking mound of nasty
which gassed the surrounding 4 km radius with an awful farty smell
despite that fact that there was no longer a butt

long live the beavis, the beavis is dead
butt his rectal odour remains
causing a noxious cloud of death killing approximately 13,000 people in the surrounding villages
and poisoning the earth for the next 2 million and 987 years
long live the beavis, the beavis is dead
butt his legacy remains toxic for millenia to come

the history of western civilization, not bloody likely

the sun is purple
the sky is beige
the grass is spotted white and red
bicycles run on petrol
my tracksuit trousers are uber fashionable
john howard is a nice guy (fuck off)
metallica are playing folk music at the kindgarten
damn ugly is not at all unattractive
children dream when awake
wives bash their husbands
the cats bark continually and chase the dogs up trees
the streets are so wide
and everybody is inside .. sic
mullets are really, really hip
bad taste is really good taste
good taste is really bad taste
thursday night is monday night
thats the view from western civilization
live, unadulterated and rather sunny actually
....
i went a disco
the bouncer was the best
come on he said to the boy from the west
i had to stay outside with the common herd
just don't come from an eastern suburb...

happy 90th birthday mandiba

mandiba's cell on robben island... it sure made me think.

from prisoner
to president...



it was nelson mandela's 90th birthday a couple of days back.
a truly amazing man who is one of the greastest people of the the last century.
he lead the independence movement in south africa, fighting against the evil racist apartheid state and suffering decades of imprisonment for his honourable aims. In stark contrast to arseface mugabi, another independence leader in southern africa who let power go to his head and become an oppressor, no better than those overthrown, mandela showed forgiveness and graciousness to those his tormentors. A hero to millions of his fellow south africans hundreds of millions more other africans and a figure of much respect the planet over. If only other political figures the world over had a shred of his credibility.
An imperfect man who personifies dignity... viva mandiba!

Portfolio eye view of the world G Part 2

G
Greece
Im talking about Greece, not grease, that formaggioso musical that ruined millions of childhoods the world over with stupid chin and that-bird-that-wasnt-australian-but-we-claimed-her-anyway-because-somebody
-might-just-one-day-give-a-shit. The cradle of western civilization, that gave us democracy, philosophy, the olympics and souvlaki. Man, they have seen it all in greece, which maybe explains why the men behave like they went back to the stone age. A lot of greeks got sick of it, so they came to invent melbourne in australia and sell fish and chips and fruit and vegetables. Emma is sort of greek and she's way cool and the aegean islands are divine. Athens has fab ancient greek acropolis etc but they lost their marbles (elgin). I first met emma in athens and then bumped into her again on a boat to santorini. They say every greek has a cousin in melbourne, its true, i tested it.
Greece is cool. famous greeks include, alessandro magno, aristotle, phyrrus and arther lucas
travel advice-dont tell the locals that macedonia is a country just north

Grenada
Oh yeah, grenada, its an island in the caribbean. oh yeah.
travel advice-beach baby, beach baby, there in the sand with the sun and the surf and the carefree

Guatemala
Hold on baby, im a coming! Guatemala is right there. Its the first thing you come across if you get drunk in southern mexico and stagger southwards. It is home to the legendary Tikal, the largest remains of the Maya culture in central america, with pyramids so kick arse that they were even used in star wars. Large ththththth alerts all round.
travel advice-dont you fucking dare go there before i do, I am so sick of other bastards stealing my holidays!

Guinea
Its in africa, its in western africa and i dont know anything else about it and as i have sworn off even the slightest research, its swim in pig ignorance time. Perhaps it took its name from the old british money, the ducat.
travel advice-expect a runny bottom if you go swimming in the sewers in guinea.

Guinea-Bissau
is a bit like guinea really, it just has a bissau tacked on to the end of it. Any ideas what a bissau is? Maybe its like 'heights', so it is actually means ducat heights. i wonder what the view is like from there?
travel advice-conjecture, anybody?

Guyana
At least i know where it is, in fact I have been rather near to guyana. so vaffanculo to you... On the north eastern coast of south america is where it is. The good news is that they dont speak thththth or even djdjdjdjdjj like the rest of the continent, as it was a dutch colony until the brits won it from them in a game of soggy land mass. Venezuelans still claim it as their other err leg, coz it sort of was supposed to be spanish or some horseshit. Maps of venezula all have it on it with pretty lines across it.
travel advice-david attenborough has a lot of vowels in his name, he also has fascinating things to say about guyana (unlike me)

Better living through television...

Sing along now.. i will do the tschchchch tschchchch bits...

Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy, Television the Drug of a Nation

One Nation under God
has turned into
One Nation under the influence
of one drug

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V., I.T. satellite links
our United States of unconciousness
Apathetic therapeutic and extremely addictive
the methadone metronome pumping out
150 channels 24 hours a day
you can flip through all of them
and still there's nothing worth watching

T.V. is the reason why less than ten percent of our
Nation reads books daily
Why most people think Central America
means Kansas
Socialism means unamerican
and Apartheid is a new headache remedy

absorbed in it's world it's so hard to find us
It shapes our minds the most
maybe the mother of our Nation
should remind us
that we're sitting to close to. . .

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V. is
the stomping ground for political candidates
Where bears in the woods
are chased by Grecian Formula'd
bald eagles

T.V. is mechanized politic's
remote control over the masses
co-sponsered by environmentally safe gases
watch for the PBS special

It's the perpetuation of the two party system
where image takes precedence over wisdom
Where sound bite politics are served to
the fastfood culture

Where straight teeth in your mouth
are more important than the words
that come out of it
Race baiting is the way to get selected
Willie Horton or
Will he not get elected on . . .

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V. is it the reflector or the director?
Does it imitate us or do we imitate it
Because a child watches 1500 murders before he's
twelve years old and we wonder how we've created
a Jason generation that learns to laugh
rather than abhor the horror

T.V. is the place where
armchair generals and quarterbacks can
experience first hand
the excitement of video warfare
as the theme song is sung in the background

Sugar sweet sitcoms
that leave us with a bad actor taste while
pop stars metamorphosize into soda pop stars
You saw the video
You heard the soundtrack
Well now go buy the soft drink
Well, the only cola that I support
would be a union C.O.L.A. (Cost of Living Allownace)
On Television.

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

Back again, "New and Improved",
we return to our irregularly programmed schedule
hidden cleverly between heavy breasted
beer and car commericals

CNN ESPN ABC TNT but mostly B.S.
Where oxymoronic language like
"virtually spotless" "fresh frozen"
"light yet filling" and "military intelligence"
have become standard

T.V. is the place where phrases are redefined
like "recession" to "necessary downturn"
"crude oil" on a beach to "mousse"
"Civilian death" to "collateral damages"
and being killed by your own Army
is now called "friendly fire"

T.V. is the place where the pursuit
of happiness has become the pursuit of trivia
Where toothpaste and cars have become sex objects
Where imagination is sucked out of children
by a cathode ray nipple
T.V. is the only wet nurse
that would create a cripple

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation
On Television . . .

Portfolio eye view of the world-G Part 1

G
Gabon
It is a western african country, like a lot of countries in western africa.
travel advice-a rolling gabonese gathers plenty of dust

Gambia
here we go again. Its in africa and thats about all I can say. At least it sounds like zambia where i have set foot. barrel scraping ahoy.
travel advice-seek medical attention if eaten by a lion.

Georgia
Not the bloody glodblessamerican state full of racists. Its in very eastern europe and until recently was mugged and occupied by the russians and fellow travellers. The capital is Tblisi and Lord Ned Zelic played there last season and was no doubt bloody briliant, if you ask him.
travel advice-the russians dont like countries not wanting to be their whipping boys, so go celebrate it in georgia

Germany
Plenty to go around here... The heart of central europe and the most powerful country in europe. The locals managed to todger the romans when they came a-conquering a couple of thousand years ago and that had long term effects, some of them pretty nasty. They exported the lombards to italy and the angles and the saxons to england and probably a lot more. Unfortunately under the auspices of greater prussia they got their crank on and after napoleaon bogged off, they ruined the entire 20th century. Being the bad guys in two world wars and causing immesurable damage to the continent. Of course the big one was hitlers effort which is beyond the comprehension of most people. The holocaust and endless massacres as they rampaged across the place with frightening teutonic righteousness and without mercy. The most disturbing thing is that before all those shennanigans germany was the home of philosophy and the arts and then they bloody did this. These days germany is most famous for cars, efficiency and bad fashion sense.
travel advice-go see the topography of terror in berlin, it will blow your mind

Ghana
Roselandia. Next door to nasty nigeria and seemingly a great place to visit. Rose is from ghana and she is the coolest surveyor ive met, she also knows all about fish heads, even the song. Catherine went there when she was little and took a photo of a disabled boy who fell in the toilet and couldnt get out. hmmmm. Football team is called the black stars and they arent at all shabby.
travel advice-ask rose, she might know something

alla prossima papa

beh, padre mio e' andato in inghilterra di nuovo
e' andato per non so, forse quattro o sei mesi
infatti e' la ottava volta che lo fa
la prima volta fu millenovecentonovantasette
quando ero in francia
e venuto a trovarmi li' nella bellissima campagna della dordogne
ha fatto molto bene secondo me
ha volato fino a bordeaux e poi a noleggatio una macchina
e ha guidato sulla parte sbagliata della strada fino a vertaillac
o come cazzo si chiama quel paese
c'era anche per la fete de epeluche
una grande bella serata
c'eravamo tutti li alla fete
a mangiare, bere e sparare cazzate
cerano anche i dodgems, i fuochi artificiale
e catherine, laurence e gli altri
poi un altra volta e' venuto a trovarmi a genova
quando abitavo nel centro storico
ha visitato qualche palazzo storico
palazzo quello e palazzo reale
e anche un altra volta quando ero a salisbury
e venuto con anna e nicholas e abbiamo mangiato il cibo tradizionale inglese
il curry
poi siamo andati al vecchio sarum
i rovini di un vecchio e storico castello e cattedrale li' cima di un fortezza del eta di ferro
un posto molto suggestivo
c'e stato anche la volta quando sono venuto a droydon e sono stato da lui
puodarsi fu lo stesso anno
anche un altr'anno quando voleva venire a trovarmi a salisbury
con i fratellini
pero stavo proprio male
belin
c'era anche l'occasione quando stavo da beavis e poppy a islington
siamo andati ad un pub tipo irlandese per pranzo
boh
non immagivo che fossero cosi' tanti incontri di la'
dell'altra parte del mondo
bravo papa
hai fatto bene

bastille day

they broke into a gaol, not a goal and it was important...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastille_Day
eleven years ago i had a smashing dinner and saw a very big flag...
liberte,egalite, fraternite and loads of good munch



it was fab...

fuck off pope!

I was going to write a blog about how shit the catholic church is and what a fucking disgrace this whole 'world youth day' is ... but then i saw this on steve kilbeys blog:
http://stevekilbey.blogspot.com/
he said it extremely eloquently and lets face it, im a lazy fucker....
he said

'but as for world youth day
bah humbug and piss off
as far as the pope..
now lets see
hes the incredibly wealthy nominal head
of a large secretive organization
who have over the years killed and tortured millions of people
thats right
from the people who brought you the witch trials
and the inquisition
and all kinds of wars and strife
ladies n gentleman
some olde geezer dressed up in a silly white costume
complete with the most awful hat you ever seen
(even i wouldnt look good in that)
some silly olde pontiff
thats clawed and bribed and threatened his way
to the top of a heap of child molesters and powerdrunk wankers
proclaiming himself infallible..(oh ha ha ha ha ha)
cranking out some dismal misinterpretation
of a book of dubious fables
his own organization helped to obfuscate at nicea ages ago
(put this in...take this out...get rid of this bit)
yep then they made themselves rich n powerful
playing on the suspicions n fears of us plebeians
all the while buggering little boys and poisoning each other
and selling dispensations
(eg baron boffly has murdered another man, cardinal..
yes...well that'll cost him 2000 silver marks if he wants to get to heaven)
they repressed science
they repressed women
they meddled in politics
they were a useless pack of self serving fuckers
that ballsed up christs message of love
and were totally unable to live it
the pope.....in sydney....for youth...oh hardy ha ha
what has this crusty old bishop got for youth this time
make em feel guilty?
promise em some pie in the sky bullshit if they believe in yer nonsense ?
go on popey..tell em about all the wise- women in germany
your lot roasted alive cos they didnt conform to your superstitious jive
yes pope yer still the same olde crowd
with yer fucking opus dei and your big money deals
and attempts to get bigtime catholics in power like the old days
but oh dear
attendance is dropping off in the church
all churches (including mine, wise guy)
gee mr pope
what pathetic hogwash will you pull out to save your churchs career
cos quite frankly
they been saying its the end of the whole pope malarkey soon
and good riddance to a stupid idea
you aint the right hand man of god
youre just a silly old sod in a costume
and someones written a speech for ya
and theyve closed down half the roads in syddley
and my mum cant come down
so some outdated olde ponce can recruit some more youf
and quite frankly mr pope you can sod off to hell
or purgatory
or wherever
dont come back 'ere!"
..............................................................................................................................................................
I wish to add the following,
fuck off pope, fuck off catholic church, fuck off other christian churches, fuck off islam, fuck off judaism, fuck off hinduism, fuck off mormons, fuck of scientologists, fuck off any religion that thrives on fear, manipulation, conning and leeching other poople for money and power through phony messages from above who are entirely self serving leeches. fuck off anybody who thinks they can tell other people what to think or say, fuck off john howard, fuck off conservatives the world over... JUST FUCK OFF!!!
love
LB

Portfolio eye view of the world F

F
Fiji
An island nation in the south pacific part of some nesia or other. Although it isnt really that pacific of late. The main problem is that half of the population are ethnic indians, and the indigenous folks dont dig that. Therefore there have been coups and all kinds of shennanigans. There are beaches and cocounuts and all that jazz or jatz depending on your leanings. Some golf machine playing bloke is from there and he has legs.
travel advice-pretend to be an australian diplomat and see how long it takes to be get kicked out of the country


Finland
Is not part of scandinavia, at least that what Marten says. He also says that the finns are boring and alcoholics. They certainly resemble their baltic neighbours, latvians estonians or even russians much more. Finland is famous for saunas and lakes but mostly for having in obscene amount of fast driving taciturn blokes. Rosberg, Hakkinen, Raikkonen, Makkinen, Grondberg and plakkinen, schmackinnen and crackkkkinen. For a country of only a few million they sure are very zippy.
Travel advice-do they sauna-ice cold lake-sauna repeat and see if you have any reproductive organs left.

France
Ooooh goody and im not even english. France great, france is super and france is the best! It has the best food, the best wine, the best beaches, the best mountains, the best music, the best kulcha, the best chicks, the best blokes, the best dogs, the best language, the best academie francais, the best eiffel tower and the best semniforousnadbuttnoitglobule. At least thats what the french will tell you, over and over again. Once I was on a tgv and saying to my friend that the shinkansen in japan were faster and more comfortable then said tgv (fact), and some outraged french twat leaned over from the seat om front to tell me off.... sigh. Laurence was very nice though and made great spliff. I do like the sunflowers and drunk catherine and so what if i passed out on the road and nearly got run over by laurence's brother?
travel advice-get a great big 'Le france est merde' t shirt and and walk about paris.

what about bloody? I havent said that yet

Portfolio eye view of the world E

E
East Timor
You can call it the republic of timor-leste if you like, they do. But they also say lots of djjjjjjj and have to deal with the indonesian army trying to fuck with them all the time. A strange anomaly of a country because it is sort of half the island of timor but it was a portugese colony as opposed to all the surrounds which were dutch. Which lead to the happy situation of indonesia being arschlockes and invading, killing everybody. The europeans sure are good at arbitrarily making up boundaries when they are drunk arent they? Eventually there was a referendum and the indonesians killed lots more people before they fucked off. Now a free nation, australia stepped in and screwed them over oil and lots of people wrote songs about it.
travel advice-go to the beach and throw rocks into the water

Ecuador
Boo Hiss. Smallish country on the pacific coast of south america. Specialises in trashing the galapagos islands and sending morons to italy. Said morons wear basketball caps on sideways, hang out in bunches and are the most ignorant fuckers i have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Catherine went there and said it was a fab place, maybe they only send the twats to italy, or maybe catherine was on drugs... big thththththhtth alert
travel advice-if you go to ecuador and meet anybody who has relatives in italy, kidnap them and threaten to slit their throats until their fuckwit relatives come home.

Egypt
those were the days, all of about three thousand years ago when egypt was the leading culture on the planet. they built amayyyzing pyramids and sphingi and palaces and kick arse tombs and cities and lighthouses which baffled the world for millenia. Everything was really smashing for a few thousand years, then the greeks took over and it was still pretty cool. Sadly, the world turns and the civilization faded. Then about fifteen hundred years ago, the arabs rocked up and made everybody become muslims and it has been going backwards ever since. These days its an enormous tourist scam, suckers from all over show up, get pissed and salmonella on a boat then get pissed and sunburnt at the red sea, whilst all the locals actively try to suck every last drop from them, pitiful. Famous former residents; tutankhamun, ramses the not-too-shabby, cleopatra.
travel advice-when the gazillionth person tries to screw you over or ask for baksheesh, tell them to rearrange these words-'go yourself fuck'

El Salvador
Central america again, an ickle pickle one. thththhthh warning again. Capital is San Salvador. The usual stuff about central american countries; got screwed by the USA, lots of poverty, lots of corruption and I wanna go there. Name translates as 'The Saviour', I'm not sure who this is referring to, perhaps it's the green lantern, still its a funny name for a country, they should have cut to the chase and called it La Lanterna Verda.
travel advice-ask a local how they really feel about the green lantern

England
Look, I know it's only sort of a country and theres all that united kingdom, great britain rubbish going down, but it just had to be. Tiny littly country off the north west of mainland europe who have never gotten over it. Ran a large part of the world and have never gotten over it. Very wet country and people drive comedy small cars. The food is terrible and english are the worst athletes on the planet. There are some lovely, interesting people there, you know which 4 you are. Home to a load of ye olde things, stone circles, castles, and railway sytems. englishpersons of not include; bill shakespeare, mr bean, sid vicious and my grandma.
travel advice-smoke cigarettes, drink beer, eat chocolate and buy books because thats all you will be able to afford to do.

Equatorial Guinea
Is not to be confused with Non -equatorial guinea, that causes all kinds of embarassment. Believed to be near the equator and in western africa, on the coast and small and poorish. Some bloke was on telly from there the other day.
travel advice-dont try to traffic illegal drugs into the country in your genitals, its just not big or clever.

Eritrea
On the northern coast of africa, just a few clicks up the red sea from cape horn. Until recently it was a part of ethiopia but they got the cranks in the 1980's and had a bit of a war of independence. Might have been part of the short lived italian empire of abyssinia. Erik says that the most beautiful women in the world come from these parts because they have dark skin of africans but the fine features of europeans, but erik says a lot of spectacular bullshit.
travel advice-launch a rocket over the red sea and try to blow up saudi arabia

Estonia
One of the three small baltic states that recently escaped their big nasty, grabby neighbour russia. Since that they have joined the EU and become good places for the english to go get drunk cheaply. The capital might well be Talinn, which is a very cool name. Buggered if i know any more, sorry about that.
travel advice-pack your big woofly jacket, it's cold in them thar baltic places

Ethiopia
Funny that, we were just talking about you. Abyssinia, eritrea and all that jazz. It got very famous for all the wrong reason in the 1980's when horrific starvation roamed the land and killed hundreds of thousands. It also spawned a whole series of tasteless jokes in primary schools the world over. The only african country to never truly be colonised and was lead by Gabri halisalessie or something who is viewed as the man by rastas. Also allegedly home to that cup of god or whatever the christians are constantly on about and encouraging massacres for. Protected by some bloke and a ratty old curtain, and thats the truth dammit
travel advice-what the fuck do you think this is? a travel guide? go make in an arse

the mordialloc rd triplicator

went for a passenger down the new mordialloc road triplicator the other day
its alright i suppose
hardly worth the enthusiasm and rah rah rah
that comes from some quarters
its a fucking road people!
it goes that way
it goes this way
it has a tunnel
at least they made an effort to give it a bit of character
with the modern art constructions along the way
there is some sort of assembly of giant green and blue no name smarties
there is a giant conglomeration of old shopping trolleys that looks a bit like a rocket that fell over
there is a big black birdish thang that appears to be munching on a big yellow cheeseish thing
do birds eat cheese?
and last but perhaps least is the hotel
the hotel is a fake hotel
like a little 6 story building plonked by the roadside
all gleaming and white with windows and all
looking marvellously out of context
next to a big road surrounded by countryside
in case you didnt know what it is
it says 'hotel' in big red writing on the front
and there was silly old me thinking it was a flamingo's intestine...
anyway, long live the bit of road
long live the encouragement if gives us to drive more
to use more petrol
to pay more toll charges
to fuck the planet just a little more
wanna see some road this IS impressive?
take a leaf out of the impressive tome called 'context'
go check out what the danes did...
the great belt and the oresund bridge tunnel business
now THESE are impressive...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Belt_Bridge
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%98resund_Bridge

this great idea for a blog i had

it was superb
i was lying in bed just about to drift off to sleep when i had this marvellous idea for a blog
it would be enteraining, urbane, witty and all around good fun nobody and their pet wart
i chuckled to myself with pleasure at this stroke of genius
then i drifted off to doze briefly
shortly aftwards i awoke and rushed out to the computer
i was going to put this baby down
but the idea wasnt there
not an inkling
it had left
never to come back
che palle
so you get this shite instead

Portfolio eye view of the world D

D
Denmark
Don't we all just love denmark? An amazing country full of beautiful people, and I mean, really, really beautiful. Even their queen is gorgeous (take a look liz 2). The capital copenhagen or kobenhaven or some such is delightful on the eye and home (still?) to kristiana, which is a large chunk of parkland near the city centre full of hippies and marijuana stands and a bar! Also home to the gnarliest piece of engineering where they linked up the various peninsulae and islands with amazing tunnels, bridges and false islands. Aeroskobing was a blast, providing superb ice cream, sandy beaches and a peter koppes solo field. Have you been swimming in Denmark? hey? well fucking have you? Also my great grandmother was danish so bog off. VIKING POWER!
travel advice-dont ask the information desk staff at copenhagen station if they speak english, you will feel very silly shortly afterwards.

Djibouti
It's in africa. dix points. Sitting on the very top, on the red sea facing saudi arabia.. lucky them. Aside from these enormously notable facts the portfolio is empty. most famous djibutian- DJ ibouti.
travel advice- go sail a boat up the red sea and if you dont get done by pirates, well bully for you.

Dominica
Here we bloody go again, couldnt it be called dominicongo? Dominica is probably in the Caribbean or caRIBBean if you are daft. It's also probably an island. Additionally it is not the dominican republic. which is rather underwhelming.
travel advice-i dont know, you bloody tell me!

Dominican Republic
As opposed to Dominica, this is a republic and has an alternate official name of santo domingo (saint dominic). It is definitely in the caRIBBean and an island. Well, it is half an island, the other half is (unfortunately for it) Haiti. This island was the first place Cristoforo Colombo (or christo doveman to his mates) laid eyes up on in the ahem 'new world'. It is now a giant tourist resort for europeans to come and get drunk and brown in during their winter, some well meaning person in essex said it was lovely and recommended it to me.
travel advice-suggest they change their name to something less embarassingly christian, say, fnar fnar landia

Euro 2008 update 3

They think it's all over... It is now and has been for the last few days really.
The semi finals done and dusted
germany did turkey, just
and spain did russia, comprehensively
or something
leading to the fascinating final of spain - who have played magnificent attacking football (except when italy showed up) BUT always shit their keks at major tournaments and go home hitting each other with their designer handbags, playing germany-who arent really very good BUT are brilliant at doing enough at the right time to get big results..
quite incredibly, the final didnt suck at all, as most major finals do... spain outplayed germany and won an interesting match 1-0
all the ththhthththththtth folk went bonkers and all the catalans forgot how very special they were and not spanish at all, the galicians and the basques did likewise and everybody was mysteriously ethththththpaanish..
they thoroughtly deserved it and they won by playing cool creative football not like ITALY (always) or GREECE champions last time who sought to bore their opponents to death and the get a goal over the corpse of the goal keeper and then still defend 8-1-1 for the rest of the match, despite the fact that their opponents are all lying dead on the ground.
Yay for football... and thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Highlight of the final-the interview with NED ZELIC before the game
Player of the final-NED ZELIC
Referee of the tournament - NED ZELIC
Golden Boot - NED ZELIC
Goal of the tournament- NED ZELIC versus that horse that pulled the buggy
Player of the tournament-NED ZELIC for being so great all the time
Combined team of the tournament -
'keeper - NED ZELIC
defenders - NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC
midfielders - NED AELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC
forwards - NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC
subs-NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC.....
coach - NED ZELIC

you don't have to go home, but you cant stay here, its a website

Who is YOUR favourite ned zelic?

Mature Exxxperienced Captain Ned, he knows all the moves on your set pieces... and has no qualms about warming your bench...

Fresh and Innocent Barely Legal Ned, straight from school to olyroos camp where he is waiting for your training session ...

Ned Grohl-Zelic-the saucy Ned that is guaranteed to rock the foundations of your defences, and give your back (4) a hard time...

Click on this link to find out who is NED'S favourite Ned
He knows you want it...
http://stopwastingmyoxygen.com/zelic/index2.html