what the hell is an ide?

some kind of fruit thats shaped like a crustacean?
a small rodent that lives in the briar patch?
that other space shuttle that blew up?
something that would cheer up murray?
a day of mourning in chile?
the technical name for beavis' hairball?
something to slam one upside the head?
a sport involving lots of "good'oh's"and "jolly'ho's"
the mystery of the artist explained?
a seated bhutanese banquet with a dozen courses?
the page at the back of the paper with the shit 'wanted' ads on it?
bog off

fucking stewwwwdents

the thththpanith shat
upstairs about pash or rash or something
on johnston street
apparently the ththhthtthh heartland of this place
i dont know how many ththththhs you need to make a heartland
4 or 5 it would seem
so its apt
not an appartment
room 3
third door on the right
mysteriously enough
tables in the trad U formation
named after the boat that went underwater
a whiteboard
some chairs
the usual guff
iliana is from me-hi-co somwhere near the centre
square glasses with black rims (ahem)
students include;
a double jehovis
not in the conventional sense
with a great smile and warm disposition
chocolate vanilla icemousse
an interesting concoction
from parigi but with a newtered accent
skinny dancing meditating queen
certainly not boring
blue book lady with 'partner'
struggles a bit, bless her
has a bloke who turned up
seems very nice
kept grinning at me
either wants to rip out my kidneys
touch my culo
or thinks im funny
if only it wasnt too bloody easy
easy enough to make my head explode
arses

compleanno, almeno mi sembrava

be, ce stato il mio compleanno
a dire la verita non e' stata un granche
ma almeno mi lo aspettevo cosi
visto che la maggiore parte dei miei amici ecc ecc
la roba famigliare era piuttosto piacevole
la sorellina ha fatto la roba buona da mangiare
e' veramente in gamba quella
poi, stanco sono tornato a casa con la zia
ho dormito un po
e sono arrivati un ubriaco e un non tanto ubriaca
l'ubriaco ha schiacciato un pisellino mentre noi due sparavamo delle cazzate li' fuori
blahdy blah
poi abbiamo beccato un taxi fino st kilda
e la meno ubriaco si e' realizzata di avere lasciato il portafolio nella taxi
doh
dopo qualche stronzata e' tornato il tipo e tutto era apposto
siamo entrati e trovato un po di spazio davanti al un bar
inanimate carbon rod
e tutto andava abbastanza bene
il gruppo e tex suonavano alla grande
poi...
le cose sono andati un po storto
siamo usciti per una cigaretta e un po di relax
noi uomini sparavamo delle cazzate e lei si sdraiava sul divano cosa
poi e' arrivato un scemo buttafuori che le ha svegliata e ordinato di uscire
abbiamo cercato di convincerlo ma lo stronzo non se ne fregava niente
D uomo poi ha chiamato il buttafuori un militia
e il tipo si e rotto i coglioni e fatta un faccia cercando una lotta
deficente di merda
quindi, siamo usiciti, scortati sempre dal bastardo aggressivo
sempre con un aria aggressiva come se sfidasse qualcuno
che palle
ho visto forse 45 minuti di il mar crudele
gnar

my pet thththth

i had a dog once
i taught him to attack when he heard the word thhthththth
then i called him thhththhththh
so whenever i was a walking down the calle and some bunghole said tthththth
theyd get a good savaging from old ththth
he'd jump on them
bite them
drool on them
gnash at them
tear their clathes
rip at their skin
and scratch up their pretty well manicured faces
that showed them!
it did cost me several hundred pesetas in broken tellies tho
sometimes i would be watching an almodovar film
and little thththt would kick off and beat up the telly and urinate all over it when he was done
despite the inconwenience this caused
i was secretly proud of my dogwois
sometimes he would get confused when a brazilian came to visit
and sort of snarl in a confused manner
but he's working on it
next step is to teach him to maul any catalonian that bangs on about how catalunya is not spain

the light blue drug

i dipped my toe in the light blue drug the other day
rather anxious all things considered
apart from a dabble here and there in essex
and the occasional splash and grab
i hadnt tried it for n'years
would it all end in tears?
tears in the time-space continuity box?
would it mess up my hairs?
it was a good day to tempt le fate
so i tried it on
it were nice and tranquil round the shooting gallery
i asked a few questions
trying not to look too stupid
saw the naked men and went for it
very bright out of doors
which is to be my pathway to oblivion?
err.. that one
in we off
head down
thumbs suck
push orf
doing that familiar right left arm combination
kind of like falling off a bike
except you dont get hurt
and who ever remembers how exactly to fall off a bike?
(somebody should write a book of instructions)
arrived at the end of the line
there was a wall
rest up
rest down
more down
like it so much i did it again
dont od man!
plenty of restages in between hits
and a big floating on a cloud of liquid sesh at the end
i grew wings
they still ache a bit today
especially if i do 'that'
gotta go back
get me some more of that stuff

all kinds of mayhem

what a weekend of mayhem
what great heat
just one other thing;
what are you talking about?

walking down via ravecca

walking down via ravecca - i swear i never had a key
no one ever stayed at home - i was just off the train
walking down via ravecca - swear i never had some credit
i was knackered some
looking and feeling like a bum

see press the buzzer, send a text and sigh
but theres no hope coz erik is high, oh no
and you feel buggered coz youve got a bus, a plane and two trains
and the fog is descending in your brain, oh no

from montpelier to a doorway in front of a pizzeria
its goddamm far
from the stronzo with a port view to the rats in the vicoli
It's not that far
to the maggot frozen slumped against his suitcase
its not that far
would you like to have a calling card?
i couldnt help you, even if id like to

Walking down via ravecca - i swear i had 3 sims
no i never rang no-one - useless without the funds
walking down via ravecca - swearing my head off
i was sending to go do in culos some
checking out the scum

when you get to the towers dont hope in vein
there'll be no vespa, give it up, oh yeah
the dressed up stronzi with the big posh coats
the ones who smiled
the ones defiled
the ones who wondered che cazzo?

from paolinos place to via ravecca
its not that far
from the beer in the fridge to my frozen legs
its not that far
to the maggot freezing near barbarossa
its not that far
would you like to know where the fuck he is?
i couldnt help you, even if id like to

within every citta and paese theres a via ravecca
frozen maggots for whom the phones not ringing
hungry maggots with only pence, bolivars and cents
slumped nowhere looking for a bench
so you slouch on back affecting nonchelance
getting a strange look by some overdressed ponce
bolivars and pence wont by that foccaccia
another half hour passes another 30 walk past ya
like having a 12 inch single of metropolis
but without a turntable to play this
the carabinieri wander down
do they ask a question, no you you arent brown
what to do? one wonders, drag the self off to mo?
what a nightmare and its so far to go
when you dont know the credit card pin
youre up shit creek and trying to grin

from piazza di ferrari to the blue stone pavings
its not that far
from the stoners round the corner to the dog crap
its not that far
to the maggot with the frozen legs
its not that far
would you like to know more
i can moan on if youd like me to

from mr mountains office to piazza dante
its not that far
from the fighe on the passegiata to the colombus' house
its not that far
to the grumpy maggot wondering what the fuck?
its not that far
i would like to see some stronzo
id biff him if youd like me to

outside no 10 sits a bemused maggot meek
his grip on reality is not as bent as the freak
its like a goddam bad joke
nearly as ugly as mr noke
its been an hour or two and he still cant escape
poverty, poor planning and crapness hold him like tape
without email, phone or text
what on earth to do next
you could see mr mountains, its not that far
one short drag and he might say belin
to the old stock exchange with bags et all
up the lift and around the round hall
its a shame to blag a fag, but you cant help yourself
thank fuck he hadnt gone home and has the map on the shelf
still aint got a girl
still aint got a girl
no, its not a stretch too far
not at all a stretch too far
he still aint got a girl

a pub crawl at one pub

how about that pub crawl then?
i went on it
i rode its bumpy track
i pulled on its reins
i blah blahd its metaphors
i could go on
but i simply cant be arsed
brain death and all that
on this pub crawl there were stops at;
lambsgo bar
and thats it
there was dan
who always bloody looks like simon bini
and is less insane
but is even more boring
that were zapp
who i stupidly didnt say hi to
coz i was too busy being cranky and complaining that everybody were boring turds
there was the horseface chick that beavis chatted up
not looking too horsey
til she opened her mouth
there was christian
such a good guy
just soooooooooo serious
and his chick
gone the dawgs
a couple from toulouse
the bloke being very friendly but couldnt understand why i like italy so much
i knew this bloke
his mother was french
his father was french
....
then the kids came over after hearing their names through the magic mirror on romper room
there was banquo, trevina, ravisshing and meat pie
banquo really is pretty figa
just off her fucking face
meat pie is quite chatty
but such a kid
trevina is such a dude
pity about her crap taste in blokes
ravisshing is well simply ravishing
way over my head
there was all kinds of excitement about housing
and a bouncy castle out the back
a sandpit full of cat excrement and some boiled lollies
lots of big noise ensued
dont know what i was thinking
just drank too much beer
and did my best
baileys and straight gin
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

something went that way

the bumpy road in the taxi
on the wide motorway
the steamy night in a big plaza with small beer
the girls that served beer in the pool hall
with their tight purple trousers and white shirts
the buzz on the streets while eating a big meaty thing with butt
the bikers training going around and around los proceres
the confusion exiting the airport
vanessas little hair and jota
the traffic so bad a taxi wouldnt have you
the silly man with recorded sales pitch on bleating from his van
the little jumpy dog downstairs crapping on
pans labyrinth
endless ranting from endless channels by some political buffoon or another
bus tickets that cost 100 but really 90
the idiocy of queuing to enter public buildings
the sheer idiocy of having to by trousers to enter then not being able to find anywhere to put them on
vanessa wiggling away furiously telling me to keep up
simona making more arepas and chatering away at a million miles an hour
the new fabtastic rubbish trucks
the rubbish bin full of water, but when to use it?
stalls selling avocados on the street corner
big shopping centre straight out of mallvern
not so great ice creams
oscars parents with their stories reminiscent of rhodesia
the decaying university
big cups of cream with strawberrys in galipan
the chill with view of fog
buildings that stretch on for ever
or did i imagine that/

well, what did you expect, i mean, rally?

tom waits is banging on about his 16 shells
im currently reading a book about him
well, not really about him
but a collection of interviews and articles about him
he is a rally interesting bloke
bound to go off and make up a whole load of bollocks
which i quite admire
yeah rally
its called
err something to do with tom waits
and him making stuff up
...
been doing a bit of cycling of late
nothing epic mind
just a ssccchlerpf up to feetmounts
or a damblit over to the parky warky
or a slither down to the racist shops on smith street
or a hoopf up to the cinema (ORGO) to the theatre
my calves are having something to say about it
but it is great to be grooving around
with a back to front helmet on
and on a kiddies bike
with canary yellow bits
its like-
whhhhhhhhhhhay
or
whujopooooooooooooooo
or some other crap
this barlsy weather is just the most
just when its too cold to sit outside and drink beer
without 13 puffy jackets
it gets all peachy again
long live the peach farm
things seem to be moving
deep underground
and no im not just trying to outdo the brits
and no im not just making another arse joke
lets just hope it doesnt go over the torp
and large cracks open up
and swallow everything and everybody down
down down deeper and down
haaaaa!

must i pitch you a painter?

went for a roll today
twas too lovely a day to not
rolled down the road
rolled across the road
then got all excitable and caned off with the lights
its impossible not to
you just cant help yourself
you bonk rabbits
bad habits
just gotta get that momentum up
groovin with the traffic
cant fight that feeling
oooh ahhh baby waby
the faster you go
the better it is
and quite possibly the more counterproductive it is
finally arriving with burnage legs at feetmount
wandered about trying to think of things to do and buy
then rolled over to the parky warky
such a luffly sunshiney day and all that
trying to find a place to sdraiarmi
not that easy
loads of happy picknickers
i had no idea
i still have no idea
i thought i was onto to something rarebear
i will have no idea
chilled a bit winston
but the crappy prickly grass and the ants and the other shitty insects took their toll
three fitty
so i rolled back
the endorphins man
the endorphins
dont wanna miss the last bus from lavatory central...