Comoros
Hmm some islands somewhere near africa? More than one, because there is and 's'. I'm plumping for the indian ocean. You could do worse than go there and dip your toe in the water and send me a postcard.
Travel advice-Vote for boat!
Congo
Things get tricky here, as Congo can easily be mixed up with the democratic republic of congo... A process of deduction would suggest that Congo should be renamed Non Overtly Undemocratic Monarchic thigh boot banana skin empanada of Congo. That'd make my life a bit simpler. Selfish gits.
Travel advice-get your congo's straight
Democratic Republic of Congo
If it ain't brown, take it down. Something to do wiith Patrice Lumumba and the belgians being prats. Peter Garrett told me so before he sold out and became the worlds tallest and baldest politician. This could apply to the above empanadalandia but as research is an anathema to a portfolio we shall never know. Apologies if this is so.
travel advice-theres a big difference between a conga line and a congo line.
Costa Rica
Happily translated as rich coast it all sounds pretty promising. Much better than Coste de mierda por ejemplo. Right in the skinniest of skinny bits in central america, nearby panama city hotel... Reports coming in fresh off the beep beep dot dash machine claim its really great and chilled out. Jungles, beaches and relaxed latino people, not pasta and maybe even il giaguaro da da da dah... Not to be confused with Puerto Rico, despite all the symmetry in richness.
travel advice-hang in there rich coast i'm a coming
Cote d'Ivoire/Ivory Coast
Didier Drogba, Didier Drogba!!! Western african country along the coast. They just had to have their name in french coz it sounds so 'chic' dont it?! If Drogba is a reasonable example its a nation full of people who are really great at kicking things and even better at falling over for no particular reason. It must be hell trying to walk about in ole ivory coast town with people dropping like flies all over the place and the road toll would be horrific. The name of the country is taken from the bad old colonial days when they used to grow ivory vines for delicious snack treats called Ivur Bigguns.
travel advice-learn how to say 'stand up you twat' in french
Croatia
It sure is. On the other side of the adriatic from italy. With a whacky flag obviously copied from the table cloths of italian restaurants all over the world, altough you cant make out a cheesy basket cosa of chianti. Perhaps known as illyria in roman times and a great big war zone in the 1990s. There are loads of beautiful islands and the famous city of split with red rooves. Home to an unreasonable amount of talented footballers for such a small country, but many are pinched form some great continent/cuntry in the south. Catherine went there with cym for a holiday and so did i, in an alternate reality.
travel advice-alternative realities often turn out to be better than the crap you are junked with, so take more drugs.
Cuba
Viva el presidente! or something like that. A former spanish colony and the biggest island in the carribean. Became kind of famous in the 1960s when El Che, fidel castro and bunch of other beards invaded it and made it into a communist state just to piss off godblessamerica. Thereafter followed the bay of pigs invasion, the cuban missile crisis and a whole lot of communist propoganda bullshit. As homer simpson pointed out in theory communism works and its has basically gone down the toilet since then. It is now a destination for european package holidays and to give hugo chavez somewhere to bang on about. Big ththththt alert.
travel advice-go to guantamo bay and moon the yanks.
Cyprus
its in two bits, the larger LEGITIMATE, INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED bit is run the greek cypriots, the smaller ILLEGITIMATE, NOT INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED bit is run by turkey. The ridiculous state of affairs occurred when their was a bit of a hit of state and the turks invaded. very fucking clever. It should be pointed out that cyprus also has a gazillion years of history and most of the last 2000 years have probably involved the greeks and turks getting their crank on at each other over it. Emmas mums family is from cyprus and lost loads of land with loads of oranges when they had to scarper to the uk to avoid big clever turkish army people. Emma now takes credit for any great or good achievements of all greeks in history, we are all indebted to you my dear.
travel advice-the green zone is not so called because of the paint job or because kermit lives there, you muppet.
Czech republic
Not bloody czechoslavakia alright?! That ceased to exist a while back. Capital city prague is fabultastico, absolutely stunning gothic archtiecture and rally cheap everything. At least it was until the english found out about the cheap beer and trashed the place. I bought an icecream cake because i could and stayed in a schoolroom turned youth hostel and ate a load of magnum white chocolates. Everything was marvellous until i left passport etc on the underground and then everything went down the bog munching machine device. famous denizens include pavel nedved, kandinsky and kundera.
travel advice-dont leave your fucking passport on the underground
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Adius by Piero Ciampi
heheheheh... puoi dirlo forte piero!
ADIUS (Ciampi - Marchetti)
ADIUS (Ciampi - Marchetti)
Il tuo viso esiste fresco
mentre una sera scende dolce
sul porto.
Tu mi manchi molto,
ogni ora di più.
La tua assenza è un assedio
ma ti chiedo una tregua
prima dell'attacco finale
perchè un cuore giace inerte
rossastro sulla strada
e un gatto se lo mangia
tra gente indifferente
ma non sono io,
sono gli altri.
E così...
Vuoi stare vicina? nooo?
Ma vaffanculo. Ma vaffanculo.
Sono quarant'anni che ti voglio dire... ma vaffanculo.
Ma vaffanculo te e tutti i tuoi cari. Ma vaffanculo.
Ma come? Ma sono secoli che ti amo, cinquemila anni, e
tu mi dici di no? Ma vaffanculo. Sai che cosa ti dico? va-ffan-culo. Te,
gli intellettuali e i pirati. Vaffanculo. Vaffanculo .
Non ho altro da dirti. Sai che bel vaffanculo che ti porti nella tomba?
Perché io sono bello, sono bellissimo, e dove vai? Ma vaffanculo. E
non ridere, non conosci l'educazione, eh? Portami
una sedia, e vattene.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world - C Part 1
Cambodia
As Jello Biafra said, It's a holiday in cambodia where'll you do what your told. Unfortunately Cambodia is famous for the khmer rouge and pol pots nasty habit of killing absolutely everybody, all the time. Which is a pity because its the home of the ancient khmer culture who built the super fab angkor wat amongst others. Its on my list of historical cool stuff to see, as soon as possible. Cambodia also has loads of noodles and rice and had the crap bombed out of it by the americans when they were losing the war of bombing the crap out of vietnam. And how about that mekong delta? pretty soggy innit?
travel advice- you don't need to take pot noodles
Cameroon
Not to be confused with cameron, who is my cousin or david cameron who is a smug twat. Its sort of west african, on the western top of the bottom bit but not quite on the sticky out bit. Teknikal tork that. Camerroon became vaguely famous in the 1980's when a big gas leak sprung out of a volcano or something and killed loads of people. One of the people it didnt kill was Roger Milla, the best african footballer ever and a bloke who managed to look cool in crap 80's shorts even in his 40's.
travel advice-dont try to speak to the locals in finnish, it'll never work
Canada
offical name-Canadia. A really big pink thing on top of godblessamerica. Unfortunately it has a whole bit which is run by french people, or the remnants of french people. According to south park (the most reputable source imaginable) canadians have flapping heads and beady eyes. beavis went skiing there once and got a towel, Canadians abroad wear their flag on their suitcases, lest people confuse them with guatemalans. A long list of crimes against humanity include alanis morrisette, bryan adams, michael bubbly and celine dion.
travel advice-ask everybody you see what its all 'aboot'
Cape Verde
Hmmm, might well be some islands in the atlantic, probably off africa somewhere (as a fair bit of the atlantic is).
travel advice-find it then.
Central African Republic
It's central and african and a republic. How about some dark skinned people and some history of dodgy european invaders who trashed the place? Maybe a jungle or two as well.
travel advice-find out if what i just wrote is shite before lying to your mates and telling them you just went there.
Chad
When they were handing out comedy names, chad sure got somewhere near the front of the queue, i mean 'chad', what was wrong, was 'choad' taken? In the middle of western africa some where near timbuktu and all that gear. Subsaharan but basically a big desert. Nearby other comedy gold named Niger. I used to work with a guy called chad, he was a complete and utter fuckwit.
travel advice-dont' point and laugh at the locals and guffaw about their country name or you may find a spear up your arse.
Chile
Finally a change of fucking continent. A big long strip of land between the pacific and the andes from peru to the bottom of south america. Was home to salvador allende and isobel too, but that all went wrong. Augusto Pinochet became president coz godblessamerica thought it was a good idea and he killed and tortured thousands and had a beard. A cileno colleague in wales married a welsh bloke called simon, everybody laughed, except me. Home to the atacama desert which is the driest place on earth and also a fair chunk of the tierra del fuego, not at all the driest place on earth. It is also the other side of licancabur volcano, depending on where you sit.
travel advice-if you are beavis, stay away from the public lavatories.
China
A country which is run by a tinpot dictatorship. A complete disgrace which invaded tibet not to mention the uighur lands in the north west. Home to nearly a bllion and a half people, many of whom live in dire poverty while the ahem 'communist' government is rife with corruption. The country that makes pretty much everything we own but has one of the worst human rights records on the planet. Watch out for the next world war to have china in a starring role as tens of millions of angry brainwashed single young men have nothing better to do. I do like prawn crackers tho and it must also be pointed out that china has the oldest continuous civilizations today and invented pretty much half the things we have now. So although right now it's pretty much a disgrace there are plenty of funky pony tails, pottery and dazzling history if you look pre mao and his long march of horse shit. Has several walls though you CANNOT see them from space.
travel advice-stay away, don't support the filth that govern the nation.
Columbia
Ohh Columbia how I wish to visit you. Right on the lid of south america, bordering ecuador (boo hiss) and venezuela (yay) These days famous for drug cartels primarily concerned with cocaine. In fact its the champion cocaine manufacturer on the planet. Godlbessamerica has spent billions trying to defeat them, but as usual they are just wankers. The leftist guerillas FARC started off soundly but ended up just peddling drugs trying to stay around. It seems sooner or later they will farc right off. Simona the groovy mum of vanessa is from there and i planned a trip to cartagena to steal all the spanish gold, but it didnt happen. Home of Vallllllllderamma, the most famous big hair in the universe.
travel advice-be VERY careful if you are a colombian politician, unless you want an indefinite jungle holiday
As Jello Biafra said, It's a holiday in cambodia where'll you do what your told. Unfortunately Cambodia is famous for the khmer rouge and pol pots nasty habit of killing absolutely everybody, all the time. Which is a pity because its the home of the ancient khmer culture who built the super fab angkor wat amongst others. Its on my list of historical cool stuff to see, as soon as possible. Cambodia also has loads of noodles and rice and had the crap bombed out of it by the americans when they were losing the war of bombing the crap out of vietnam. And how about that mekong delta? pretty soggy innit?
travel advice- you don't need to take pot noodles
Cameroon
Not to be confused with cameron, who is my cousin or david cameron who is a smug twat. Its sort of west african, on the western top of the bottom bit but not quite on the sticky out bit. Teknikal tork that. Camerroon became vaguely famous in the 1980's when a big gas leak sprung out of a volcano or something and killed loads of people. One of the people it didnt kill was Roger Milla, the best african footballer ever and a bloke who managed to look cool in crap 80's shorts even in his 40's.
travel advice-dont try to speak to the locals in finnish, it'll never work
Canada
offical name-Canadia. A really big pink thing on top of godblessamerica. Unfortunately it has a whole bit which is run by french people, or the remnants of french people. According to south park (the most reputable source imaginable) canadians have flapping heads and beady eyes. beavis went skiing there once and got a towel, Canadians abroad wear their flag on their suitcases, lest people confuse them with guatemalans. A long list of crimes against humanity include alanis morrisette, bryan adams, michael bubbly and celine dion.
travel advice-ask everybody you see what its all 'aboot'
Cape Verde
Hmmm, might well be some islands in the atlantic, probably off africa somewhere (as a fair bit of the atlantic is).
travel advice-find it then.
Central African Republic
It's central and african and a republic. How about some dark skinned people and some history of dodgy european invaders who trashed the place? Maybe a jungle or two as well.
travel advice-find out if what i just wrote is shite before lying to your mates and telling them you just went there.
Chad
When they were handing out comedy names, chad sure got somewhere near the front of the queue, i mean 'chad', what was wrong, was 'choad' taken? In the middle of western africa some where near timbuktu and all that gear. Subsaharan but basically a big desert. Nearby other comedy gold named Niger. I used to work with a guy called chad, he was a complete and utter fuckwit.
travel advice-dont' point and laugh at the locals and guffaw about their country name or you may find a spear up your arse.
Chile
Finally a change of fucking continent. A big long strip of land between the pacific and the andes from peru to the bottom of south america. Was home to salvador allende and isobel too, but that all went wrong. Augusto Pinochet became president coz godblessamerica thought it was a good idea and he killed and tortured thousands and had a beard. A cileno colleague in wales married a welsh bloke called simon, everybody laughed, except me. Home to the atacama desert which is the driest place on earth and also a fair chunk of the tierra del fuego, not at all the driest place on earth. It is also the other side of licancabur volcano, depending on where you sit.
travel advice-if you are beavis, stay away from the public lavatories.
China
A country which is run by a tinpot dictatorship. A complete disgrace which invaded tibet not to mention the uighur lands in the north west. Home to nearly a bllion and a half people, many of whom live in dire poverty while the ahem 'communist' government is rife with corruption. The country that makes pretty much everything we own but has one of the worst human rights records on the planet. Watch out for the next world war to have china in a starring role as tens of millions of angry brainwashed single young men have nothing better to do. I do like prawn crackers tho and it must also be pointed out that china has the oldest continuous civilizations today and invented pretty much half the things we have now. So although right now it's pretty much a disgrace there are plenty of funky pony tails, pottery and dazzling history if you look pre mao and his long march of horse shit. Has several walls though you CANNOT see them from space.
travel advice-stay away, don't support the filth that govern the nation.
Columbia
Ohh Columbia how I wish to visit you. Right on the lid of south america, bordering ecuador (boo hiss) and venezuela (yay) These days famous for drug cartels primarily concerned with cocaine. In fact its the champion cocaine manufacturer on the planet. Godlbessamerica has spent billions trying to defeat them, but as usual they are just wankers. The leftist guerillas FARC started off soundly but ended up just peddling drugs trying to stay around. It seems sooner or later they will farc right off. Simona the groovy mum of vanessa is from there and i planned a trip to cartagena to steal all the spanish gold, but it didnt happen. Home of Vallllllllderamma, the most famous big hair in the universe.
travel advice-be VERY careful if you are a colombian politician, unless you want an indefinite jungle holiday
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Euro 2008 update 2
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
live from badstock, austria:
we are now up to the semi final stages, after some strange things happening in the quarters.
turkey beat croatia - jammy, jammy gits
germany beat portugal - they are a machine!
russia beat holland - what the fuck?! and they outplayed them like legendcars
spain beat Italy - in a battle of who can be the most defensive, diving scumbags... huzzah
which leaves us with turkey v germany - should be hairy as the turks dont have any players left, (except for the german ones) they have all been booked for being backwards bungholes or got broken. They really shouldnt stand a chance against germany, unless of course they play fatih's game.
and
russia v spain -we wonder which spain will show up, the exciting passing beasty one or the bed wetting i hurt my culo one. Russia have been brill and Guus is no goose. But do we really need to give the russians government any more reasons to belligerant tosspots?
limebeaver picks- germany do turkey like its christmas in laverstock and russia thumps spain who only have themselves to blame for trying to be all clever clogs.
live from badstock, austria:
we are now up to the semi final stages, after some strange things happening in the quarters.
turkey beat croatia - jammy, jammy gits
germany beat portugal - they are a machine!
russia beat holland - what the fuck?! and they outplayed them like legendcars
spain beat Italy - in a battle of who can be the most defensive, diving scumbags... huzzah
which leaves us with turkey v germany - should be hairy as the turks dont have any players left, (except for the german ones) they have all been booked for being backwards bungholes or got broken. They really shouldnt stand a chance against germany, unless of course they play fatih's game.
and
russia v spain -we wonder which spain will show up, the exciting passing beasty one or the bed wetting i hurt my culo one. Russia have been brill and Guus is no goose. But do we really need to give the russians government any more reasons to belligerant tosspots?
limebeaver picks- germany do turkey like its christmas in laverstock and russia thumps spain who only have themselves to blame for trying to be all clever clogs.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
beavis has left the building
he sure has
i checked before
knocked on his door
then went in
theres no beavis there at all
his bike is there...
parked
i suspect he's not at work either
more likely overhead somewhere
not over my head
oh no.......
im way to smart
micio doesnt seem to be too bothered
tho he was being quite sucky last night
there certainly seems to be less hair around at present
i checked before
knocked on his door
then went in
theres no beavis there at all
his bike is there...
parked
i suspect he's not at work either
more likely overhead somewhere
not over my head
oh no.......
im way to smart
micio doesnt seem to be too bothered
tho he was being quite sucky last night
there certainly seems to be less hair around at present
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
euro 2008 update 1
fresh news the 2008 european championship has just started, about a week and a half ago...
a limebeaver exclusive can reveal that people have been kicking a ball about in variously coloured national strips. sometimes the ball has gone in the net, lots of times it hasnt.
thousands of other people have been crowding into big square stadia to watch them do it. marvellous effort that...
big teams such as germany, france, italy and portugal have been at it.. as well as weaker teams such as austria, greece (who are shit) and switzerland.
as of now, greece, france, austria, switzerland, czech republic, poland and romania are out O U T !
therefore italy, spain, portugal, holland, croatia, turkey and Germany are in I N ! the quarter finals. The match between Sweden and Russia will decide the last quarter finalist...
quarter finalist ratings;
italy-boo
spain-ththth
portugal-jjjjjjj
holland-brillo pads
croatia-pretty gnarli
turkey-bog off
germany-schnooore
russia/sweden-ciao ciao
FORZA OLANDA!
a limebeaver exclusive can reveal that people have been kicking a ball about in variously coloured national strips. sometimes the ball has gone in the net, lots of times it hasnt.
thousands of other people have been crowding into big square stadia to watch them do it. marvellous effort that...
big teams such as germany, france, italy and portugal have been at it.. as well as weaker teams such as austria, greece (who are shit) and switzerland.
as of now, greece, france, austria, switzerland, czech republic, poland and romania are out O U T !
therefore italy, spain, portugal, holland, croatia, turkey and Germany are in I N ! the quarter finals. The match between Sweden and Russia will decide the last quarter finalist...
quarter finalist ratings;
italy-boo
spain-ththth
portugal-jjjjjjj
holland-brillo pads
croatia-pretty gnarli
turkey-bog off
germany-schnooore
russia/sweden-ciao ciao
FORZA OLANDA!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world- B
B Part 2
Bolivia
Landlocked country in central south america. Probably the poorest country on the continent, but with perhaps the most friendly people. Women wear bowler hats with big frilled coloured skirts. Spectacular scenery from tropical forests to snowed mountain tops to enormous dried salt lake beds.
Also home to the worlds highest lake, lake titicaca, where you can throw golf balls and nobody will tell you off and the worlds hightest golf course where you cant throw lakes. ththththth alert! but you could ask them to talk in qechua or the other one.
travel advice-the bike trip on the death road is great fun but the name could be more made more attractive, perhaps 'the flowery chocolate syrup road'?
Bosnia and Herzegovina
For some mysterious reason when every other bit of the balkans was breaking up into the smallest possible fragments, nations defined by hairstyle/moles on foot etc, these two have stuck together. I fear it may be to do with some religious bullshit. The site of lots and lots of nasties in the nineties when everybody was giving serbia the big G.F. And why is eva herzegovina hanging around with some two-bit shit tip like bosnia, i would buy her rice paper roll...
travel advice-don't mention the war (unless you want to be bummed out terribly)
Botswana
Groovacious country in southern africa, bordering south africa (that's how southern it is). Home to loads of parks and great wildlife, the big one being the okovango delta where you can see lions, elephants, buffalos, hippowotsmuses and loads more. They had a president once and probably still do. The delta is fab for canoey boaty trips but dont hang about coz the crocodiles like gringo flesh.
travel advice-zig zag if an elephant chases you, take off your shirt and wave it around if a rhino chases you... if a lion chases you, you are todgered
Brazil
It's bloody enormous, not just big, but bloody enormous. Probably two thirds of south america. Owns most of the amazon, except for the bits they have destroyed at an alarming pace. Also famous for beaches, amazing football, pele, a great big jesus on a hill and pretty ladies. I spent an afternoon there and gave away a pizza to some bloke who didnt see it coming.
travel advice-dont get confused and think you are in lichtenstein and try to walk from one side of the country to the other
Brunei
A farce of a country, on the north coast of borneo. the only bit that didnt get snapped up by malaysia or indonesia. The sultan or 'big tosspot' is one of the richest men in the world and has 1510 wives. An interesting fact is that most people think that brunei is actually in the middle east, partially because its run by a bunghole who wears daft clothes, clings on to a dated religion and has oil coming out of his urethra.
travel advice-you can spit off the the top of mt kinabalu right into the kings horseshit sundae.
Bulgaria
Eastern european country that threw off the shackles of the ussr to become a land for middle class brits to buy a cheap holiday home. Can't afford the costa del sol/brava/de los ingleses borrachos? Off to bulgaria and get some cheap green land, at least thats what i heard from some bloke in los llanos.
travel advice-there are no seats in a no standing zone
Burkina Faso
err... definitely in africa, most likely in the westerny bit. may well be on the coast and small or inland and enormous.
travel advice-jesus was black man, jesus was batman
Burma
not to be referred to as myanmar nor biscuits are salutory. Located in south east asia between thailand and bangladesh. the predominant religion is Buddhism so you want notice them trying to blow up your aeroplane. The groovy aun sung shi something has been locked up ever since winning an election some time last century. I would buy her a hot cocoa with 1 marshmallow. Currently run by ruthless arseholes in the military who are fucking it up completely and happy to let burmese people die. Burma was 'just over there' when i went to the beach once.
travel advice-dont run around shouting the military junta are tossers all over rangoon
Burundi
A small country in central africa. somewhere near congo, rwanda and all that jazz. People there probably speak french coz the belgians most likely trashed the joint. Trees, red dirt and groovy forest animals are super interesting, if indeed they exist.
travel advice-wearing your knickers on the outside doesnt make you superman
Bolivia
Landlocked country in central south america. Probably the poorest country on the continent, but with perhaps the most friendly people. Women wear bowler hats with big frilled coloured skirts. Spectacular scenery from tropical forests to snowed mountain tops to enormous dried salt lake beds.
Also home to the worlds highest lake, lake titicaca, where you can throw golf balls and nobody will tell you off and the worlds hightest golf course where you cant throw lakes. ththththth alert! but you could ask them to talk in qechua or the other one.
travel advice-the bike trip on the death road is great fun but the name could be more made more attractive, perhaps 'the flowery chocolate syrup road'?
Bosnia and Herzegovina
For some mysterious reason when every other bit of the balkans was breaking up into the smallest possible fragments, nations defined by hairstyle/moles on foot etc, these two have stuck together. I fear it may be to do with some religious bullshit. The site of lots and lots of nasties in the nineties when everybody was giving serbia the big G.F. And why is eva herzegovina hanging around with some two-bit shit tip like bosnia, i would buy her rice paper roll...
travel advice-don't mention the war (unless you want to be bummed out terribly)
Botswana
Groovacious country in southern africa, bordering south africa (that's how southern it is). Home to loads of parks and great wildlife, the big one being the okovango delta where you can see lions, elephants, buffalos, hippowotsmuses and loads more. They had a president once and probably still do. The delta is fab for canoey boaty trips but dont hang about coz the crocodiles like gringo flesh.
travel advice-zig zag if an elephant chases you, take off your shirt and wave it around if a rhino chases you... if a lion chases you, you are todgered
Brazil
It's bloody enormous, not just big, but bloody enormous. Probably two thirds of south america. Owns most of the amazon, except for the bits they have destroyed at an alarming pace. Also famous for beaches, amazing football, pele, a great big jesus on a hill and pretty ladies. I spent an afternoon there and gave away a pizza to some bloke who didnt see it coming.
travel advice-dont get confused and think you are in lichtenstein and try to walk from one side of the country to the other
Brunei
A farce of a country, on the north coast of borneo. the only bit that didnt get snapped up by malaysia or indonesia. The sultan or 'big tosspot' is one of the richest men in the world and has 1510 wives. An interesting fact is that most people think that brunei is actually in the middle east, partially because its run by a bunghole who wears daft clothes, clings on to a dated religion and has oil coming out of his urethra.
travel advice-you can spit off the the top of mt kinabalu right into the kings horseshit sundae.
Bulgaria
Eastern european country that threw off the shackles of the ussr to become a land for middle class brits to buy a cheap holiday home. Can't afford the costa del sol/brava/de los ingleses borrachos? Off to bulgaria and get some cheap green land, at least thats what i heard from some bloke in los llanos.
travel advice-there are no seats in a no standing zone
Burkina Faso
err... definitely in africa, most likely in the westerny bit. may well be on the coast and small or inland and enormous.
travel advice-jesus was black man, jesus was batman
Burma
not to be referred to as myanmar nor biscuits are salutory. Located in south east asia between thailand and bangladesh. the predominant religion is Buddhism so you want notice them trying to blow up your aeroplane. The groovy aun sung shi something has been locked up ever since winning an election some time last century. I would buy her a hot cocoa with 1 marshmallow. Currently run by ruthless arseholes in the military who are fucking it up completely and happy to let burmese people die. Burma was 'just over there' when i went to the beach once.
travel advice-dont run around shouting the military junta are tossers all over rangoon
Burundi
A small country in central africa. somewhere near congo, rwanda and all that jazz. People there probably speak french coz the belgians most likely trashed the joint. Trees, red dirt and groovy forest animals are super interesting, if indeed they exist.
travel advice-wearing your knickers on the outside doesnt make you superman
Saturday, June 14, 2008
avevo un sogno
i arrived in cuba
i have no idea how or why
most likely at the airport
from which i strolled out into the centre of town
it was beautiful
magnificent colonial architecture
but reminiscent of ancient rome
all beautifully coloured
a big green one with arches
i was guided down the main street a short distance
to an awaiting bus/tram to take us tourists wherever it was we were going
i followed three spanish girls in their 20's
desperately trying to recall how to speak spanish in my head
we climbed up in with our bags
as they talked amongst themselves one went and got a brochure from a holder on the wall
and she came back to her friends and said the word for timetable
which i knew
so i said to her in what i assumed to be sound spanish
is that a timetable?
she looked at me, confused and slightly amused
she didnt understand a word i said
despite the fact that i was sure i had said it correctly
and i had repeated a word she had used...
i have no idea how or why
most likely at the airport
from which i strolled out into the centre of town
it was beautiful
magnificent colonial architecture
but reminiscent of ancient rome
all beautifully coloured
a big green one with arches
i was guided down the main street a short distance
to an awaiting bus/tram to take us tourists wherever it was we were going
i followed three spanish girls in their 20's
desperately trying to recall how to speak spanish in my head
we climbed up in with our bags
as they talked amongst themselves one went and got a brochure from a holder on the wall
and she came back to her friends and said the word for timetable
which i knew
so i said to her in what i assumed to be sound spanish
is that a timetable?
she looked at me, confused and slightly amused
she didnt understand a word i said
despite the fact that i was sure i had said it correctly
and i had repeated a word she had used...
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Porftolio eye view of the world - B
B, Part 1
Bahamas
An archipelago of islands in the northern caribbean, uncomfortably close to Godblessamerica. Most famous for big black men running particularly fast. Err, there are presumably lots of beaches and too many american tourists, if they aren't too afraid to leave their own country.
travel advice-white swimming attire becomes see-through when wet
Bahrain
a little island off the coast of saudi arabia in the persian gulf. maybe. It has lots of expat westerners living there raking in the cash. Catherine lived there as a child and was allegedly the chess champion for her age. It's probably rubbish.
travel advice-ask catherine, if you can find her
Bangladesh
Formerly part of India, then Pakistan, known as eastern pakistan. Unfortunately situated on the ganges delta so it gets flooded all the time. Great! Unfortunately for the people, they are muslims and therefore in trub. They have recently started playing cricket, although not very well.
travel advice-pack a small silver coloured dinghy in case of light showers
Barbados
An island or perhaps more in the caribbean, may have been mentioned in that annoying beach boys song from the eighties. may not have. At least they don't have to speak spanish.
travel advice-keep an eye out for barbados slim, just coz he doesnt exist doesnt let you off
Belarus
Very eastern european country that used to be part of the USSR. Alexander Hleb comes from there and also most likely lots of people with bad haircuts. I dont know what the 'Bel' bit stands for, but I know that the 'rus' bit means something to do with russia. I doubt it means beautiful.
travel advice-find the answer to the above before you talk to alexander hleb
Belgium
A substantianal part of the 'low countries' and not because they are all short. On the northern coast of europe next to the netherlands. People often take the piss about it coz they can only name plastic bertrand and tintin as emanating from there. I got off a ferry at oostend once and then back on my coach to amsterdam. A divided country between the walloons (french speakers, not trousers) and the flemings (dutch speakers, not spitting suicidal animals). Most belgians seem to be quite friendly and chilled, but that could be terribly wrong. Belgians travel to Capetown and northern Corsica from my experience. AND GREAT BIER!
travel advice-dont get a ferry/bus from london with an american guy who shits everybody and gets punched in the face.
Belize
they speak english there! although there is slight reason for ththth alert. On the yucatan peninsula just south of the mexican border. apparently there is excellent scuba diving off the coast (as opposed to on the coast). Some bloke on a lake in malawi told me so... The truly legendary thing about belize is that it looks like belin! eviva!
travel advice-rejoice in the only thththh free zone within a gazillion miles of saliva drenching
Benin
in west africa most likely. also most likely to be pretty small and pretty poor. not that its the fault of the inhabitants. There could be goats there, big ones with beards
travel advice-get an atlas and find out where it is
Bhutan
tied up in hopeless romanticism for gringos, it is probably the country most untouched by modern vices. eg television, clay pigeon shooting and indoor microwave fist kebabing. near the himalayas in the funky area bordering indochina and the subcontinent. lots of big mountains and monks donging their bells. also may have played montserrat for the title of worlds most rubbish football nation and lost.
travel advice-take your own microwave fist kebabber and look for a door to get in.
Bahamas
An archipelago of islands in the northern caribbean, uncomfortably close to Godblessamerica. Most famous for big black men running particularly fast. Err, there are presumably lots of beaches and too many american tourists, if they aren't too afraid to leave their own country.
travel advice-white swimming attire becomes see-through when wet
Bahrain
a little island off the coast of saudi arabia in the persian gulf. maybe. It has lots of expat westerners living there raking in the cash. Catherine lived there as a child and was allegedly the chess champion for her age. It's probably rubbish.
travel advice-ask catherine, if you can find her
Bangladesh
Formerly part of India, then Pakistan, known as eastern pakistan. Unfortunately situated on the ganges delta so it gets flooded all the time. Great! Unfortunately for the people, they are muslims and therefore in trub. They have recently started playing cricket, although not very well.
travel advice-pack a small silver coloured dinghy in case of light showers
Barbados
An island or perhaps more in the caribbean, may have been mentioned in that annoying beach boys song from the eighties. may not have. At least they don't have to speak spanish.
travel advice-keep an eye out for barbados slim, just coz he doesnt exist doesnt let you off
Belarus
Very eastern european country that used to be part of the USSR. Alexander Hleb comes from there and also most likely lots of people with bad haircuts. I dont know what the 'Bel' bit stands for, but I know that the 'rus' bit means something to do with russia. I doubt it means beautiful.
travel advice-find the answer to the above before you talk to alexander hleb
Belgium
A substantianal part of the 'low countries' and not because they are all short. On the northern coast of europe next to the netherlands. People often take the piss about it coz they can only name plastic bertrand and tintin as emanating from there. I got off a ferry at oostend once and then back on my coach to amsterdam. A divided country between the walloons (french speakers, not trousers) and the flemings (dutch speakers, not spitting suicidal animals). Most belgians seem to be quite friendly and chilled, but that could be terribly wrong. Belgians travel to Capetown and northern Corsica from my experience. AND GREAT BIER!
travel advice-dont get a ferry/bus from london with an american guy who shits everybody and gets punched in the face.
Belize
they speak english there! although there is slight reason for ththth alert. On the yucatan peninsula just south of the mexican border. apparently there is excellent scuba diving off the coast (as opposed to on the coast). Some bloke on a lake in malawi told me so... The truly legendary thing about belize is that it looks like belin! eviva!
travel advice-rejoice in the only thththh free zone within a gazillion miles of saliva drenching
Benin
in west africa most likely. also most likely to be pretty small and pretty poor. not that its the fault of the inhabitants. There could be goats there, big ones with beards
travel advice-get an atlas and find out where it is
Bhutan
tied up in hopeless romanticism for gringos, it is probably the country most untouched by modern vices. eg television, clay pigeon shooting and indoor microwave fist kebabing. near the himalayas in the funky area bordering indochina and the subcontinent. lots of big mountains and monks donging their bells. also may have played montserrat for the title of worlds most rubbish football nation and lost.
travel advice-take your own microwave fist kebabber and look for a door to get in.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
my velour -ee-aa
there was a marone one
there was a dark blue one
there most likely was a groovy poo brown one
there may have even been a green one
a black one certainly was never too far away from the equation
my velour-ee-aa...
it is transparently obvious to all that frank black francis charles thompson drew inspiration from my 70's jumper fashion...
what next- a song about terry-towelling shorts or paisley skivvies?
where are my fucking royalties frank!!!???
there was a dark blue one
there most likely was a groovy poo brown one
there may have even been a green one
a black one certainly was never too far away from the equation
my velour-ee-aa...
it is transparently obvious to all that frank black francis charles thompson drew inspiration from my 70's jumper fashion...
what next- a song about terry-towelling shorts or paisley skivvies?
where are my fucking royalties frank!!!???
Friday, June 06, 2008
A World Guide - Portfolio eye view of the World- A
Disclaimer; absolutely no research has been undertaken in the creation of this guide, any offence taken is gleefullly caused, so vaffanculo.
A
Afghanistan
Situated in central Asia and like many (if not all) stans, under the yoke of old beard wearing wankers. Big mountains and big wars, just finished being blown up by the russians, then began being blown up by the americans. Backwards and cold and that's just the soup. With neighbours like iran and pakistan, what bloody hope?
Travel advice - dont bother taking your kalashnikov, you can pick one up at a bargain price on any street corner.
Albania
A cesspool of criminals just bred for special exportation to your nearest western european country. need a child prostitute/somebody stabbed? you know who to call. In the midst of the most civilized continent of the planet blood feuds are still carried out over generations, also the only islamic country in town-coincidence?
travel advice - stay in italy/greece/macedonia and use a spy drone to take photos for you.
Algeria
Former north african french colony famous for mass killings in the name of islam- see a pattern here? Next to such other enlightened maghrebi as tunisia and marocco, Algeria manages to make them look rational. Home to desert and breeding ground for terrorists.
travel advice - are you fucking joking?
Andorra
Ridiculously small country in the pyrenees wedged between France and Spain, unfortunately they chose to speak spanish. Not sure how this is a country, but i am easily mystified. Cym went there to snowboard a lot and loved it and some bearded bloke from tasmania did too. probably have nice coffee or something.thththth alert.
travel advice - take a warm jacket
Angola
South west african country which had the misfortune to be colonised by portugal. As per usual they stripped the place of its assets, enslaved the population brutally then fucked off when it got tricky. I once worked with a girl from Angola, in Salisbury of all places, she seemed nice enough though she needed some pimple cream.
travel advice - go to namibia instead
Antigua and Barbados
are apparently one country. An island or few in the caribbean populated by the descendents of african slaves. Probably rather poor but beautiful beaches and they play cricket too. I saw it on telly once.
travel advice - dont have a longest schlong competition against the locals
Argentina
Big country on the atlantic side of southern South America. from iguazu falls in the north to cape wotsit at the bottom. home to patagonia, tierra del fuego, the andes and insane football fans. Lots of italians and the occasional welshman. Capital Buenos Aires (good airs) contains 103% of national population. famous people include che guevara, eva peron and lots of hidden nazis.
travel advice-if you are a vegetarian, stay home; its meat or meat for every meal
Armenia
Armenia is a teency weency country to the west of turkey and a former part of the USSR, previously a part of the ottoman empire until the GENOCIDE of the armenians by the turks around the time of world war 1. The turks still deny this. which is a fucking disgrace.
travel advice-go to the genocide museum then go over to turkey and tell them all about it.
Australia
Australia; the lucky cuntry. correct pronunciation; osstraya. a large island, small continent. big modern cities and vast open spaces where the history is. Groovy funny animals and delicious countryside. But then again, what would i know? australians of note; the bloke who invented the hills hoist.
travel advice-stop getting drunk all the time
Austria
small landlocked country in truly central europe and former capital of the habsburg empire. fantastic mountains and green grun valleys. Also famous for hitler and post nazis. Capital Vienna is perhaps the most beautiful city on earth, effortless class also one of the the most expensive. Trains run on time and there is lots of blonde hair being all germanic.
travel advice-I dare you to go to salzburg and drink a pint of beer every time the sound of music is mentioned.
Azerbaijan
Central or western asian country quite in the central or western part of asia. Inhabited by people from the central or western asian region. Once a part of the ussr and most likely near the caspian sea and a whole bunch of stans.
travel advice-there are probably buses there, so you dont need to put a car in your luggage, probably
A
Afghanistan
Situated in central Asia and like many (if not all) stans, under the yoke of old beard wearing wankers. Big mountains and big wars, just finished being blown up by the russians, then began being blown up by the americans. Backwards and cold and that's just the soup. With neighbours like iran and pakistan, what bloody hope?
Travel advice - dont bother taking your kalashnikov, you can pick one up at a bargain price on any street corner.
Albania
A cesspool of criminals just bred for special exportation to your nearest western european country. need a child prostitute/somebody stabbed? you know who to call. In the midst of the most civilized continent of the planet blood feuds are still carried out over generations, also the only islamic country in town-coincidence?
travel advice - stay in italy/greece/macedonia and use a spy drone to take photos for you.
Algeria
Former north african french colony famous for mass killings in the name of islam- see a pattern here? Next to such other enlightened maghrebi as tunisia and marocco, Algeria manages to make them look rational. Home to desert and breeding ground for terrorists.
travel advice - are you fucking joking?
Andorra
Ridiculously small country in the pyrenees wedged between France and Spain, unfortunately they chose to speak spanish. Not sure how this is a country, but i am easily mystified. Cym went there to snowboard a lot and loved it and some bearded bloke from tasmania did too. probably have nice coffee or something.thththth alert.
travel advice - take a warm jacket
Angola
South west african country which had the misfortune to be colonised by portugal. As per usual they stripped the place of its assets, enslaved the population brutally then fucked off when it got tricky. I once worked with a girl from Angola, in Salisbury of all places, she seemed nice enough though she needed some pimple cream.
travel advice - go to namibia instead
Antigua and Barbados
are apparently one country. An island or few in the caribbean populated by the descendents of african slaves. Probably rather poor but beautiful beaches and they play cricket too. I saw it on telly once.
travel advice - dont have a longest schlong competition against the locals
Argentina
Big country on the atlantic side of southern South America. from iguazu falls in the north to cape wotsit at the bottom. home to patagonia, tierra del fuego, the andes and insane football fans. Lots of italians and the occasional welshman. Capital Buenos Aires (good airs) contains 103% of national population. famous people include che guevara, eva peron and lots of hidden nazis.
travel advice-if you are a vegetarian, stay home; its meat or meat for every meal
Armenia
Armenia is a teency weency country to the west of turkey and a former part of the USSR, previously a part of the ottoman empire until the GENOCIDE of the armenians by the turks around the time of world war 1. The turks still deny this. which is a fucking disgrace.
travel advice-go to the genocide museum then go over to turkey and tell them all about it.
Australia
Australia; the lucky cuntry. correct pronunciation; osstraya. a large island, small continent. big modern cities and vast open spaces where the history is. Groovy funny animals and delicious countryside. But then again, what would i know? australians of note; the bloke who invented the hills hoist.
travel advice-stop getting drunk all the time
Austria
small landlocked country in truly central europe and former capital of the habsburg empire. fantastic mountains and green grun valleys. Also famous for hitler and post nazis. Capital Vienna is perhaps the most beautiful city on earth, effortless class also one of the the most expensive. Trains run on time and there is lots of blonde hair being all germanic.
travel advice-I dare you to go to salzburg and drink a pint of beer every time the sound of music is mentioned.
Azerbaijan
Central or western asian country quite in the central or western part of asia. Inhabited by people from the central or western asian region. Once a part of the ussr and most likely near the caspian sea and a whole bunch of stans.
travel advice-there are probably buses there, so you dont need to put a car in your luggage, probably
Thursday, June 05, 2008
ladies and gentlemen the worst rock and roll band in the world
Bin Juice!
Bin Juice have just released their explosive new album; My Munch or Yours!?
dynamite tracklist is as follows;
1. I am sweden!
2. Post nasal drip-reprise
3. amsterdam garbage can man
4. Bicken Chin (you know you want it)
5. Ththththththththhh
6. I don't love you, you have opposable thumbs
7. Love on the escalator
8. Dim Smuggy
9. Run (Leon is coming to get ya)
10. One and three quarter hours in east ringwood -acoustically ruined
11. Shake it like George Negus
12. Incomprehensible Scotsmen in my forecourt
'the album caused my rectum to prolapse!' Melody Faker
'It'll be my munch for sure!' The Aegis
'If you only buy one album this year, you are a cunt!' Time Gout
'illuminating, sparkles like phosphorescent shit!" The Gobserver
'we are fucking lying populist filth' The Herald Scum
'ththththth thththth th th thhhhhhhhhhh!' El Sevilla Ththth
No doubt some other references to stuff blowing up!
Not out now on Pieface Records
Bin Juice have just released their explosive new album; My Munch or Yours!?
dynamite tracklist is as follows;
1. I am sweden!
2. Post nasal drip-reprise
3. amsterdam garbage can man
4. Bicken Chin (you know you want it)
5. Ththththththththhh
6. I don't love you, you have opposable thumbs
7. Love on the escalator
8. Dim Smuggy
9. Run (Leon is coming to get ya)
10. One and three quarter hours in east ringwood -acoustically ruined
11. Shake it like George Negus
12. Incomprehensible Scotsmen in my forecourt
'the album caused my rectum to prolapse!' Melody Faker
'It'll be my munch for sure!' The Aegis
'If you only buy one album this year, you are a cunt!' Time Gout
'illuminating, sparkles like phosphorescent shit!" The Gobserver
'we are fucking lying populist filth' The Herald Scum
'ththththth thththth th th thhhhhhhhhhh!' El Sevilla Ththth
No doubt some other references to stuff blowing up!
Not out now on Pieface Records
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
gnam gnam
whats for dinner tonight?
i could be a vegetarian
a vegan
a fruitarian
a lacto-ovotarian
a fishtovaffanculoarian
eat ethically
mince your pig tendrils
dice your oilyphant in slitherines
baste your leg of ostrich, big un's need a lot of it
slice your whale burger thin
roll up yer california rolls in gnu slabs
squid ribs? dip em in napalm and watch em sizzle
zebra burritos with matching hyena sauce
its karma man
kestrel kebabs, nothing better after midnight
baby seals, well tenderised on a bed of red ice
lashings of snow leopard on your pizza
i want my panda liver and i want it now
3 score cochineal beetles on high speed in the blender
smoooooooooooooooothiness
might as well move to argentina...
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat
i could be a vegetarian
a vegan
a fruitarian
a lacto-ovotarian
a fishtovaffanculoarian
eat ethically
mince your pig tendrils
dice your oilyphant in slitherines
baste your leg of ostrich, big un's need a lot of it
slice your whale burger thin
roll up yer california rolls in gnu slabs
squid ribs? dip em in napalm and watch em sizzle
zebra burritos with matching hyena sauce
its karma man
kestrel kebabs, nothing better after midnight
baby seals, well tenderised on a bed of red ice
lashings of snow leopard on your pizza
i want my panda liver and i want it now
3 score cochineal beetles on high speed in the blender
smoooooooooooooooothiness
might as well move to argentina...
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat
Monday, June 02, 2008
knowing me, knowing you...
everybody says you are shit, your body is shit, your brain is shit
they say you arent worth the shit you cling on to so desperately
they laugh at the things you say when you arent trying to amuse
and scoff at the things you say when seeking to entertain
this time its personal
you are transparent
you would win a clingwrap competition
your motives are there, bare and for all to see with glee
you ask for a sweet
all know you want to be refused a balloon
you stifle a sneeze
its obvious to all and sundry that you begged for pity in church
your lies are boring
nobody on baals bluegreen earth will believe you again
the loser who cried 'beef'
this life you lead is shallow and pointless
if you procreate it will be ultimately pointless
your genes will fail in the end
being of inferior quality to the medium
barely a vehicle worth the name
more a decrepit wreck of rusted ignorance propped up on blocks of tedium
imagination is a word that you cant fathom
4 walls and some a sphere are all that you can embrace
tiresome
your sililoquys and glib utterances fall to the ground like lead baubles
there is no audience
your doltish emittences will only bounce around your deluded head
like a poor mans screensaver
an eternal holding pattern of the imbecilic
oh .. hang on
that might be an itch
and we know what itches cause..
dont we spanish flu?
they say you arent worth the shit you cling on to so desperately
they laugh at the things you say when you arent trying to amuse
and scoff at the things you say when seeking to entertain
this time its personal
you are transparent
you would win a clingwrap competition
your motives are there, bare and for all to see with glee
you ask for a sweet
all know you want to be refused a balloon
you stifle a sneeze
its obvious to all and sundry that you begged for pity in church
your lies are boring
nobody on baals bluegreen earth will believe you again
the loser who cried 'beef'
this life you lead is shallow and pointless
if you procreate it will be ultimately pointless
your genes will fail in the end
being of inferior quality to the medium
barely a vehicle worth the name
more a decrepit wreck of rusted ignorance propped up on blocks of tedium
imagination is a word that you cant fathom
4 walls and some a sphere are all that you can embrace
tiresome
your sililoquys and glib utterances fall to the ground like lead baubles
there is no audience
your doltish emittences will only bounce around your deluded head
like a poor mans screensaver
an eternal holding pattern of the imbecilic
oh .. hang on
that might be an itch
and we know what itches cause..
dont we spanish flu?
Sunday, June 01, 2008
absolute zero e bad boy beavis
it was his birthdayhe had a haircut just for the occasion
to make it look like he was that guy on tv
but how did he get there?
i imagine he walked there
after all it was only half a dozen blocks away
the guy on tv said he was sick of it
sick of being pestered and asked about it
people saying "do 'my portfolio is weird kid'"
he was trying to concentrate on his career
and show he wasnt just a one trick butter
but they just wouldnt let it go
particularly in mexico
they had that big fetish thing going with dead cats in plasticide
so he was forever cast in plasticide
even on his birthday it was hard to shake it off
most of his arse-list friends showed up for the cameras
then most buggered off via a tonnello, yes a fucking tonnello not a toonel
round the back once they had smiled and waved and kicked the babies
apparently the guest of honour was prick with a silent p
there were the smegma family
marvellously pleased with the opportunity to show off how many kilojoules they had recycled on the way there on their platform that is powered only by their sense of self satisfaction
some incoherent blokes
i think they were norwegian
mr doobee was there with miss helena and mr rons big poker
and err... sure they did
i was rubbish
or was that you, theatre?
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