aprile puo andare e fottersi

quanto mi sono stufato recentamente
sono contentissimo che questo mese di merda sia quasi finito
non riesco neanche a lamentarmi bene in questa lingua
cazzo

the clock is ticking

its not really
its just sitting there being ledish
but that hardly grabs the attention
i read somewhere that at the start of a story you have to grab them right them and now by the hairy bits
grab
but the led is changing occasionally
so is the other one
one of them is on universal time
the other is on atomic time
farked if i know the difference
tristan and isolde and lavorytine
ho hum
its roast it night tonight
for no particular reason
i just wanna roast it
i just wanna roast it
this really is all over the shop
ive got material you see
but its too late in the day period slot now to make the most of it
and i wanna keep it for a raining daytimesetting
so im just making shit up and rambling
trying to fill in a few sentences
with inane drivel
good thing im a good thing and good at it
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oh and by the way
invasion of the body snatchers suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks
not just sucks
way worse than that
okay it was the seventies
when things that sucked were in fashion
moustaches, flares, big hairiness, being a bloody whiffy hippy and bucks fizz
sure, they didnt have super special effects machines and they recorded with a matchbox on top of a shit laden stick
using an ants rectum for sound
and saturns third ring for light
but that doesnt mean that they couldnt write decent lines
or act properly
or just not be cheesy wankers
its easy to scorn what was done in the past
i mean to me hitler looks like a silly little turd with a comedy moustache
but fucking hell
what a load of tripe
thank fook there was bowie, and lou and jonathon richman and iggy and clint eastwood being well 'ard
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

il riscaldamento della casa

there was a housewarming on saturday night
it would have been better off having it this week
it was already quite warm
or am i missing the point?
it was in northcote
which miraculously let me in
despite the fact i wasnt cool enough
they turned a blink eye
let us skulk in the back alley
it was quite an eye opener it was
ive never met any
some smart arse french bloke answered the door
pretended it was the wrong address
he fucked me over
beavis knew better
those whacky french guys
the house was done up all funky
with orange umbrellas and light shade bloody cant think of the names
and there were people all over the shop
sitting in a circle
and some sitting in another circle outside
stan the man was cooking some amazing food
which i couldnt eat coz i was full
arsearsearsearsearsearsearse
arse
sure we were old
but it wasnt the kinderverbotenfest that i had feared
lots of friendly people
not too much racism
a rather silly nuzeelunder being all earnest
why must they do that?
at least she got her comeuppance being attacked by a sensitive new age dave
a very sensible straight person got the crank at me for something super stupid
sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
as if i were that type!
vaffanculo
there were lots of yummy beers
some of which i gave away
the music didnt suck
but the blue gloop i kneeled in did
it farked up my trousers
like ive got so many that i can spare one..
mavaffa.....
still it was good fun
i met more people than i have done in ages
quite the tonic
now all i need is some gin

kylie threatens to sue...

who is sue?
is kylie going mad?

will marty go the same way as steve?

well now
a week or so ago a great man came to this one and half ass town
his name was steve
not a very imaginative name i know
but he didnt choose it
he is one of the greatest men to walk this earth
doling out wisdom, wit and cerebral entertainment wherever he treads
and hes done a lot of treading let me tell you
more than most mortals could possibly imagine
as far as i know he hasnt set fut on other planets
but thats just due to lack of opportunities
besides
so he came to town
he thrilled and spilled
apparently
he provided a sublime distraction from all this maya
on this mortal, why the hell is it called coil?
but he was forced to tears by the absence of a close friend
not the one he serenaded in hospital
now another great man
of the same ilk
will be in town this very night
his name is marty
another not particularly inspiring name
but another whos greatness is not limited to his physical presence
his influece can be felt from anywhere on this so called bloody coil
perhaps if nasa had any class they would send another probulator into deepest space
and put his imprint on it
(or steves)
or wind one of their ethereal cords around it
marty shall dazzle, enchant and enthrall this very night
beard his way to greatness
strum, rock, enchant and poeticize
blow small minds away

and yes he did....

melbourne international comedy festival-comprehensive review

marvellous festivus this micf
not to be confused with the miff
the biff or the riff
and especially not the whiff
as he is known in some parts
this years melbourne international comedy festivus took place last night
it happened in the fad gallery
on corrs lane
upside your head
you had to go into the err something bar
where i had been only once before
looking for red things
youve gotta go in and then around and then up
where you waittttttttttttta and look at paintings and photos
some of which are particularly saucy
this bloke who looked liked daniel kitson was hanging about
he looked so much like daniel kitson he was daniel kitson
we went upschtairs to the festivus
it consisted of bloke called nick sun
who played in this room full of chairs and some people
he was pretty funny
shouting and kicking over chairs
not making racist jokes
banging on about how tired he was
and how he had a strong coffee
we had a beer
one each.. we werent gay
my new best mate daniel kitson laughed a lot
and that was the melbourne international comedy festival
so bog off

the space race is over

some men got in a stick
it went up and up
up and well you know the rest
it was white
it was big
it went vroom
they went all the way there
just to come back
except it was all a phoney
they tricked everybody
they even tricked me
and i wasnt even born
clever fuckers
ronald raygun knew better
he was gonna put a big ole gun on the big old cheese disc
there was a point in here somehwere
yes...
in the shadow of the moon
sure it at the new the other night
dublin amazing
all these interviews with ex wotsits spacefellas that went to the moon
except the most famous one
veal farmschlong or somebody
wondefully shot by an english chappy
so it didnt have that all-american bullshit flag waving gnar gnar cringe bollocks about it
showed jayeffkay
who i think was that muppety english bloke who dances about with a godawful hat on
making some promise about doing marilyn manson before the steak gets cold
and despite the fact it was just a big penis competition it inspired all kinds of good things
people in different countries getting a rush out of it etc
and these spaceblokes
all so humble and intelligent
telling how it made them feel to see the earth so far away
so small, so fragile etc
some got a bit godbothery about it
but not in that shitey painful way
talk about the ultimate perspective
kind of like how i feel about travelling
but to the enffff degree
so many super groovy shots of space and rockets and the moon
dont stop cant stop the music
like billy i thought i could go to the moon
dammit

eat my brain, go insane

ooh look at the pretty pictures!
theres some all multicoloured of my brain
my brain!
eat my brain, go insane
from four different angles
fancy that
how much detail there is!
the wonders of modern technology!
all take a number and fucking marvel at it!
ooh, look again
theres a pictures of the groovacious new dogvis
in all her sweet glory
note the lovely golden tan rusty bits
the black muzzle
the skinny legs
my my lets all admire her bloody beauty!
how about some pix that i put up of the jesus and mary chain in full flight
note jim reids floppy fringe! not!
how about the spectacular lighting!
although i wasnt there it wasnt that different to last night
the wonders of fucking technology
vaffanculo

fish of april

mr 100 per cent
thats me
no knockers can knock that
no chinks in my armour
im perfect
not a fault to be seen
one from one
some kind of blogging behemoth of consistency
stand back and admire my work
quanilty not qualtity