festering season

tis the season to be a festy
tra la la la la etcetera
its the festering season in many parts of the world
countries that had the misfortune to get brainwashed by the jesus freaks
which
as it turns out is a fair chunk of this elliptical sphere
coz those dastardly you-row-peaens spent a half millenium conquering the show
and carrying their bible bollocks with them
to 'civilize' the 'savages'
the spanish and portugese in particular
loved making the locals pray to their bearded sky dude
funny (peculiar) to think
haw haw
that before this whole scam came along
only 2000 years ago
in a history of at least 60000
the pagans in europe already had celebrations in chrimbo and easter periods
to their own equally valid and equally daft gods of earth and rain etc
then the bloody christ-o-maniacs decided to co-opt those periods
and da dah!
they became the current horseshit
and fittingly
in the last century of so the christ on a bike festival has been co-opted in turn
by the new religion
CONSUMPTION!!!

infidel pig and scum!

fooking by the book?

ACHTUNG! serously warped minds at play...






Gwyn sullied my pure driven etc by sharing this with me

stagger, stagger, stagger, crawl, crawl...

at last we have arrived
dragging ourselves by our collective lips
to the bicentennial blog of 2009
just in the neek of time
as its sort of the end of the decade
but not really
tho we shant let facts get in the way
it didnt look like it was going to happen
there were some pretty large spaces of dead calm
invoked some serious cases of cantpossiblybearsed
but the world is now a richer place
figuratively
for another 200 sub par blog postings

its cold and outside, theres no kind of atmosphere..... la la la la la

the abysmal failure of the copenhagen summit got you down?

this is a copenhagen meeting of real world significance!

mary piss off mcdonalds inc

some corpse that did not actually really do anything 'miraculous'


so theres all this crap about some dead australian bint
it seems the biggest, lyingest, lechourous murderous corporation on the planet
the self-appointed bogus fanciful fiction selling multi headed hydra
the catholic church that it is
is going to make this daft fairy story peddling cow a 'saint'
amongst other idiots
including 2 ex popes
who did nothing but cause murder and suffering
ie not opposing a certain holocaust
or telling africans its worth getting aids coz god told them not to use rondoms
but here in desperate-for-attention australialandia
theres is lots of excitement because we dont have a 'saint' yet
so now we will get like the tough kids on the planetary block
coz she performed a milagro
which of course was never checked, certified or affirmed
because it was all LIES!
what a fucking crock of horse dung
huzzzahhhhh!

ahhh...

that old chestnut...

imagine the size of the scotch for these rocks!

this is lake baikal in russia, brilliant!

UnHappy Kappa

damn bugger piss bollocks
happy kappa has closed down
the happy kappa was great
prolly less than 100 metres from door to dooooooh
lovely noodle dishes
sobas and udons and the like
with the a bit of fugu thrown in
and unagi don
which i'm actually permitted to eat!
run by real live friendly nihon jin
instead of chinese people who got a job coz they looked ''asian''
and it was CHEAP!!!
aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrssse!
i guess that explains why they werent answering the phone...

It's Alien Kill-Fuck-Marry!

a)skinny big-eyed pale little dudes from Close Encounters of the Third Kind
















b)Roger the Piss-wreck from American Dad






















c)Killing machine kind-of-invisible alien from Predator
















d)Lamp fingered phone fiend ET

















e)Put-upon martian with disintegrating disintegration ray from bugs bunny

















f) nasty multi-mouthed beasty from the Alien quadrilogy








2 of each for your delectation...
Nominate now and you could be in with of a 'chance' of 'winning' a brand new shiny Fuck All...

tonight i'm gonna rock you pt.2

plinkety plinkety plonkety plonk
sweet strumming of twin acoustic guitars
gentle cymbal tapping
a velvety voice caressing your soul via your ears
the rocking cradle of enchanting melodies

lulled away in ethereal dreaminess

except not...

fucking bugger!

tonight i'm gonna rock you...

digadigadigadigadigadiga
wackadawackadawackadawacka
boom crash crash boom
throbbity throbb
etc etc
lights and brutal wall of melody blissfully flooding senses..
ecstatic crescendo
God i've been asleep for so long...

grinning from ear to ear and drifting away

except not...

bugger

it'd blow queen off the fucking stage

eye butt

so we hear all this news about what your new mobile phone can do
it can make your butt smaller
it can ring your friends when you dont want to talk to them
it can find you a new gay lover
it can tell you where to turn right
it can demand your dedication to a new cult
etc etc
its all overated
the phone that services the limebeaver.com organisation
now that is the dogs swingers
dont insult it with your tales of instantaneous replays
not even of the 3.25 from abu dabai
if only not coz the bubble got a royal pricking
a long, long way from peak bollocks
it dont need no gps to tell you where you arent
that is a given
it wont tell you when your goose is cooked
who the fuck needs that then?
nothng far fetched and superfluous
SUPERFLUOUS
what a word!
apart from this
it doesnt actually do anything practical
none of this taking phone calls
receiving text messsage
a lithiumo-espacial age batteronium
as if anyone would want to know the time
or listen to the radio
harrumphhh
or similar rot
your victim of technology is our breakfast
withoutout any eggs mind
powering effortlessly into the distant future
a new axiom of enterta........

rocket propelled sheep launcher, if you know what i mean

hobnobbing can be challenging work
blagging, ligging and wotnot
pressing the flesh into some flesh shaped moulds
this weekend saw the salubrious launch party of mahalo mel
with her hawaiin massage biz
and i didnt even know she was hawaiin
she promises all kinds of exotic things
including hawaiin himalayan rocks that apparently make you pass out
despite the fact that your kids are burning down the house
there was a coconut shy
but no milky joe
a pungent aroma of bounty bars
children to talk to
loads of delish looking punch
smoked salmon and prawns
lots of wine
and many more goodies
marvellous effort mahalo mel

howling at the moon

sha la la la
sha la la la la
thats what im doing here...

and im at it again...
sha la la la
sha la la la la

sex, all change!

an acquantaince of this blog has recently done something large
that person had a nip and tuck
not just your standard bit of the belly and eyelid hoiking
oh no
they had a big job done
and my what a big job it was
big job big job big job
this person used to be girl/woman/chick/bird/lady/wench etc
and that's no longer the case
oh no
this person is now a dude/bloke/geezer/fella/chap/boy
oh yes
and this person now does look markedly different
they had their thingies lopped off and donated to charity
they bought a wang and a pair of nads from bangladesh via ebay
got them stuck on with sticky tape
and they had a HAIRCUT!
so now she is a he
and behavioural change is underway
she/he burps in public places
she/he scratched her fake bollocks
she/he drinks loadsa beer instead of girly bacardi drinks
and now she/he is the wussiest/do-goodiest bloke thing walking the planet
YOU know who YOU are...

you are what you eat...

it's people!!!

ireland's handyman

its not easy being irish
things were going alright until the catholics showed up and enslaved their minds and bodies
then those dastardly english show up, invade and fuck the place up royally
they spend centuries oppressing the locals and moving in their own
when the staple crop of potatoes gets footrot
the english dont lift a finger and a million die
another million flee to england, north america and australia
only to be treated as second class citizens
finally after untold suffering the rebellion starts working
the english agree to leave but demand to keep a quarter of the island
leading to further horrible bloodshed and even worse, Ian Paisley
around the beginning of the 21st century ireland was finally becoming a wealthy nation
then an ecomomic bust befell the country and todgered it
staggeringly Ireland got to its metaphorical feet
until Thierry Henry, famous hypocrite showed up...

the salad days

those salad days sure were heady
there is a reason why persons angle spruchkens the world over use the expression
in attedance there were lettuce and tomato and onion!
potato and olives and capsicum!
anchovies and fetta and rocket!
parmesan and egg and alfalfa!
and more besides...
in merely those three weekdays they made some enormous scientific breakthroughs
furthered human understanding
cured seven deadly contagious diseases
contacted extra terrestrial life form
and foretold the impending evil of bucks fizz
the salad days were tuesday, wednesday and friday
the 7th, 8th and 10th of February 1977
(thursday the 9th was disqualified due to a beef related incident)
most people are unaware of this specific information
its available for purchase from this site for three fiddy
little known fact is that there is a similar expression in laotian
'salad with fish sauce days'

vacaciones extranas en margarita

he apenas visto un documental muy estrano
fue la historia de un hotel en la isla de margarita a venezuela
pero no fuera un hotel de lujo normal!
noooooooooooooooooooo!
en este hotel los clientes pagan dos cien dolares por dia
y reciben una novia per los veinte cuatro horas
no solamente una prostituta por unas horas y basta
estan propias novias
obviamente hacen el sexo
pero por el resto de el dia estan como una novia verdadera
se acompanan en las giras turisticas
se relajan en la piscina juntos
se comen todas las comidas juntos
y se bailan juntos en el bar
cuando llega al hotel un cliente todas las chicas disponibles hacen un 'casting'
donde se sientan delante de el nuevo llegado y el elige una
cada dia a los once de la manana el cliente puede cambiar la su muchacha si no es contento con la que tenia
la mayoria de los clientes son viejos, gordosisimos y non atrayentos norteamericanos o europeos
y las muchachas son todas hermosas y jovenes
por supuesto
se ve la vida que tienen las muchachas y que piensan de esta vida y trabajo
pobrecitas....
que estraneza!!!
no es una chiste.. mira-

1950's slang thang

So you thought your granparents always pottered about in the garden and talked about the weather?
it aint so and heres how...
In a reputable publication somewhere out... there
somebody has compiled 1950's american slang
I instead...
have pinched it wholesale from the guardian's website and used it as a blog.
Ha!

BARBECUE;A hot-looking lady.
BOIL MY CABBAGE;Blues slang for sex.
BUCKET OF BLOOD;A spit and sawdust bar.
BUNK HABIT;Lounging around while others smoke opium, and inhaling the fumes.
BUTTER-AND-EGG;Out-of-town sucker, free with his money
CHICAGO OVERCOAT;Coffin.
CHICAGO LIGHTNING;Gunfire.
COLD MEAT PARTY;A funeral.
COMMUNITY JOY RIDE;A druggie party.
DEAD SOLDIERS;Empty beer bottles.
DIME DROPPER;An informer (someone who drops a dime in payphone to call the cops).
FACE LIKE A RUSSIAN FLAG;Embarrassed, ie red.
FLORIDA HONEYMOON;A dirty weekend.
FREE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT;Out of work, unemployed.
HAEMOPHILIA OF THE LARYNX;A blabbermouth.
HARLEM SUNSET;Knife wounds.
HAVE ONE ON THE CITY;Drink some water.
HOT SQUAT/JUICE JOLT;The electric chair.
JACK RABBIT BLOOD;Habitual prison escaper.
KNOW YOUR GROCERIES;Be hip, aware, alert to the situation.
LONGHAIRS;Non-hipsters, squares, lovers of straight music.
MATTRESS ROUTE;Sleeping your way to the top.
MOOSE-EYES;A leering dude.
OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE;Vintage liquor or wine.
PREPARING BAIT;Putting on makeup.
PULLING THE DUTCH ACT;Committing suicide.
RIDING ACADEMY;Brothel.
ROUNDHEELS;Party girl (deriving from a supposed natural ability to regularly fall over backwards).
THE SCRAMBLE EGG TREATMENT;A sex show.
SCREWED, BLUED AND TATTOOED;A wild night out.
SINHOUND;A priest.
SNIFFING ARIZONA PERFUME;Going to the gas chamber.
STRAIGHT FROM THE FRIDGE;Cool. Obviously.
TAKEN OFF THE PAYROLL;Killed/assassinated.
THAT VIBRATES ME;I'm impressed, I really like it.
THROW THAT DIRT IN YOUR FACE;Being buried.
TORSO-TOSSER;Hootchie-coochie dancer, stripper.
VOMIT ON THE TABLE;Speak up.
WEEK AT THE KNEES;Unsuccessful courtship.
YOUR ROOF IS LEAKING;You're a bit crazy.

aprile in novembre

l'altro giorno ho visto aprile
una stranezza
perche era novembre
aprile in novembre
che cavolo?
e'una pelicula di nanni morretti
ma non veramente una pelicula
perche e stata fatta quasi in un senso di un documentario
communque
si trattava della sua vita in una certa epoca
attorno a 1994
il tempo del primo arrivo di berluschifo come politico
ma c'erano anche dettagli della sua vita privata
per esempio la moglie incinta
il nome della bebe
e sua vita professionale mentre stava cercando di girare un film musicale
pero la musicale di panetterie non va bene
quindi smette con quello e inizia un progetto sulle elezioni
nel frattempo faccendo dei discorso alla macchina di presa
per la maggiore parte sulle cose spaventose attorno al berluschifo
e i pericoli e schiffezze che porterebhe con se
un esempio magnifico era la storia di un amico straniero
con cui parlava del berluschifo
e lo straniero, sgomentato del potere mediatica di berluschifo
gli dice 'ma non avete le leggi anti-trust?'
purtroppo tutto e'andato storto
e nanni aveva ragione
gli italiani hanno fatto una stupidaggine tremenda
(il che ripeterebbero due volte ancora!!!!)
e berluschifo ha vinto
e fatto un casino tremendo al bel paese
il resto e' la storia
nanni aveva ragione
il peggio e' arrivato
e tutto questo e' successo in aprile in novembre

lo sapevate?

no? nemmeno io... fucking geniale

well being

some of us are like this froggage
stuck down a well
i know plenty of them
their world view is just a little bit of sky
maybe a cloud drifting by occasionally
a bird ogni tanto
or some kind of insect life
and just maybe
maybe an aeroplane or some such
WELL, at a pinch
these people make up a large part of the population
probably a half
ribbit ribbit
are you one of them?

11 reasons i hate you, bebe

1. Your claims of a knighthood are demonstrably false
2. Your belief in a flying super-serpent that will one day save you is daft
3. The collection of 17 hot pink socks is pointless, why 17?
4. when you lie your nostrils flare up like an epileptic gnu
5. I picked you a flower and you demanded a savannah
6. The way you do that thing you do
7. You had carnal relations with John Flynn's wife
8. You give me fifty-seven flavours of hell, without a scoop
9. You think coldplay are even remotely interesting
10. You think that meet and greet involves steak and tears
11. Your eyes are a window to your colon

the mother of all spotty bottys

this is a storm on jupiter, three times the size of earth and has been kicking arse for at least two hundred years, try to find a teacup for this fooker.
it goes around and around and then around a bit more... brilliant!

misadventure on the high seas

Some seas that got rather high, yesterday




the total of postage published in october just passed was pretty damn low
it might even be said that it fucked the average
if you were some kind of potty mouth
but
there is a valid and thrilling excuse for this poor output
as the majority of the research staff at limebeaver inc have been seafaring
fully occupied in hoisting sails
jibing to the aft
walking the excitement plank
buccaneering to the stern
getting off with tom the cabin boy
frigging in the rigging
as such there has been little time for the exacting research required for every posting here
even the seemingly utterly half-arsed posts here entailed hundreds of woah-man hours work
so its tricky
tricky tricky tricky
to do so
whilst fighting off evil merchicks with rocket launching breasts
jousting swashbucklingly with sword fishies
psycho killer whales with nuclear tipped arses
and evil pirates with poisoned hooks and homing zyclon x parrots on their shoulders
saying things like 'SQUARK who's a doomed motherfucker then'
so its been tricky and kind of hard to get to the bodlean library or the aztec camera
to research studiously
with much brow furrowing
encyclopedia browsing
and furtive snogging between behind the microfiche machines
the latest reports are that the bad ship Billions of Bilious Lime Blistering Barnacle Beavers is lost amongst the myriad of ever morphing channels north of canadia in search of the north west back passage
death, disaster and doom are presumed immenent
in the meantime inbetween time
a rat with epilepsy will be occasionally dropped on a keyboard
to provide the occasional drivel you may witness in the coming months

11 reasons i love you, bebe

1. your perfume makes me think of grief
2. you don t deny the armenian holocaust
3. you dont know how to make anzac biscuits
4. you make me smile, you make me laugh, give me your autograph
5. you never slept with lumiere
6. you never invaded russia in the winter
7. neither of your legs contain cheese
8. you know what a dead cat is
9. your eggs are always on the wrong side
10. you dont ask interpersonal questions
11. you dont tell lies about your past unless you are paid for it

sounds fishy...

Chakra-One of the seven centers of spiritual energy in the human body according to yoga philosophy. From ancient sanskrit...

chakras hey?
they are real then?
they play a vital part in our wellbeing do they?
not just some made up nonsense that sad hippies cling to?
it must be said the indians have been come up with some good stuff over the millenia...
i quite dig yoghurt
but placing my hand on my sternum and breathing deeply?
how exactly is that going to make me super-well?
there is a lot of horsehit out there in the 'alternative' medical world...
pyramids and crystals
vibrating tree gourds
trips to lourdes
donkey testicle icecream
reptilian overlords from outer space..
far be it from me to poo poo thousands of years of learning
but the distance is inexorably reducing
....
i have a suspicion that a chakra is really just an iced vovo with a jelly bean on top...

football? rigged? NEVER!

whats this?
your team needs another nine goals to win promotion?
there are only nine minutes remaining in the game?
ridiculously impossible!
but wait
this IS Brazil...

think you are looking a little stupid?

well you are right!

But you dont look half as daft as Chalio!
Chalio is/was a major entertainment figure in Guatemala and is possibly the most gormless appearing creature to walk the earth...

try guessing what he's thinking, it's not hard, nothing!

columbus=priest=cura=gold=duck=jehovis

Leon had something strange below him
you should have told him no
Oh jehovis, what you doing with that fro?
Now lunching pyres, midnight fryers
Things you should not know
Oh Jehovis, what you doing with that fro?
You don't suppose there'd
Be room in here somewhere for another bike
I think I just need
Someone's bikes space to reassure me
I don't blame shez or E, and I don't blame myself
Waiting for the smaller hair
It's going to sprout somehow
Oh Jehovis, I wish that you could just say 'ciao'
We don't posses a single micio here
Or mono-brow
Oh Jehovis, I wish that you could see the mao
You don't suppose there'd
Be room in here somewhere for another bike
I think you just need
Someone's friends to commit you
I can't change that awful smell, I can't change myself
Nige had something strange about him
He should have napalmed young fro
Oh Jehovis, what you doing with that fro?
You don't suppose there'd
Be room in here somewhere for another bike
I think I just need
Someone's therapist to reassure me
I cant help but blame you, but I don't blame myself
Jehovis

sick of being a monoglot?

so you wanna speak another language?
you wanna bang on in mandarin?
you wanna blurt out innapropriate things in catalan?
you wanna rant in quecha?
you wanna mass debate in welsh?
you wanna blather in xhosa?
you wanna you wanna you wanna etcetera?
its now sublimely easy, with limebeavers patented shiny shoed go fuck yourself method!
with our remarkable new technology we will get you boring others senseless with your ill-informed opinions in the language of our choice in no time!
but wait!
theres more!
our super efficent and efficacious methods will not only get your bigoted ideas across in the language etcetera, but it will also make your schlong longer *(if you dont have one, tough shit),make your hair shinier* (could be absolute crap), make you infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex *(not that theres anything wrong with that) and make your buttocks seven times firmer and eleven times smellier!
HOW!!!??? you scream
its easy, just send loadsa wonga in unmarked, mixed notes to the Limebeaver Intellect Advancement Rogering Service (LIARS) in your nearest regional centre that doesnt suck and we will send you our unique, kick back department of trousers device, really bloody soon, honestly!
if you dont partake in this offer we will send round our fatties and break your china doggy collection, TWICE!

she's your wife now dave...

the three evil step-sisters

once upon an etcetera there were three evil step-sisters
firstly there was the wicked conspiring vecchia
ooh she was bad
she turned an ocean into rancid scum topped puddles
she came and then she went
secondly there was grassa
her entire skeletal system was made of bad, bad bones
she danced the satanic dances of time
then disappeared into thin hair with a tiny little 'POOF'
only to return to rattle her chains from the great beyond
just the one rattle
but it was sinister indeed!
finally there was the most evil of all
brutta was her name and brutta was her game
she threaded strands of pure badness into her smock
then wore it about town with gleeful abandon
she drifted in, out and all about
and was finally burned at the stake on a remote cursed hillock

naw, just kidding, they were great guys....

so bored you google your own crap?

yes, me too...
and this is what blog directory www.blogrankers.com said about this here blog;
http://www.blogrankers.com/index.php?do=sitedetails&id=1237

''Description: ranting and raving of an articulate fringe dweller ...''

ha! so it seems somebody somewhere must have looked at this crap
and its pretty spot-on..

yours faithfully
dwelling on the fringe of robert smith
your unabomber without the bomber
dishevelledly hunkered feverishly in a hut in the outskirts your mind, ranting and raving (in)articulately at the all-conspiring universe
LB (or not)

well that fucking sucks

it does suck
it sucks large chunky ones
micio has fallen off the universal bike
he has kicked the intergalactic bucket
he has bought the transworld farm
yeah yeah yeah
and all that jazz
he was a tall chap
he was a furry gent
he was a chatty fellow
he was stretchy geezer
things hadnt been going that well
he had that whole cough thing happening
it was a the deal for a whlie
seemingly unchecked
at least a couple of months of horrid coughing
and then it stopped
shona said they had done stuff
but simon didnt seem so sure
simon then came over and picked him up
and then nothing
so the call was made a month later
and they think it is all over
and they are right...
he was the leader of the pack
but now hes gone
(and that fucking sucks)

AND!!!

what a blinding weekend
it was amazing
it was all about sex and drugs and rock'n'roll
admittedly there wasnt really any sex had
aaaanddd
well there werent actually any drugs involved
aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd
also, there wasnt a lot of rock'n'roll going on
but there was a shedload of AND

so a frenchman and a russian walk into tent on a raft...

On June 25, 1807, Tsar Alexander I travelled to Tilsit on the western border of the Russian empire to discuss peace with the Emperor of France, Emporer Napoleon I. To signify their equal status, they met on a raft moored precisely in the center of the Niemen River — the boundary between Russia and Europe.

So how did these two incredibly powerful emporers find common ground and agree to end the bloodshed that had killed hundreds of thousands of men?

When the Tsar met Napoleon he had one goal in mind: to find a peaceful solution that would benefit him. And the first thing he said to Napoleon in French was... "Sir, I hate the English as much as you do." And Napoleon said, "So we have made peace."

By mutual loathing of the English of course...

sogni persi o no?

sogni della morte
sogni della vita
sogni della felicita
sogni del articolo definito
sogni del bel paese
sogni della bella ragazza
sogni del ridicolo
sogni dei jeans blu
sogni di sale!
sogni della lingua sbagliata
sogni della corretezza
sogni della simplicita
sogni del accento giusto
su o giu
sogni di declenzione
sogni della parola esatta
sogni di si!
sogni di molto no
sogni di lei
sogni di lui
sogni dei cari
sogni dei denti
sogni della paura
sogni del tempo sbagliato
sogni della visione giusta
sogni della certezza
sogni realizzati
sogni di frustrazioni
sogni di un bel posto
sogni di tempo abbondante
sogni di te
sogni di me
sempre 'sti sogni

who's your favourite pavel?

1) pavel pogrebnyak



















2) pavel nedved

















3) pavel ploc









or do you have your own favourite pavel?

VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!
NOW NOW NOW!!!

voting is open until closing and votes are charged at a very reasonable $14.00 each.

unfinished barrel business

life is a barrel of monkeys
a nice royal blue one
with fake wood effects on the exterior
but not the interior
small let downs sometimes hurt the most
unscrew the top
clock or anti clock wizened
its up to you
they both work
and inside!!!!
a plethora of monkeys
a little on the flat side
but who gives a toss?
they have stamped faces, arms and feetsies
theres a red one
theres a blue one
theres another blue one
theres a yellow one
theres a red one
theres another yellow one
and a blue one
whats This?!!!
ABOMINATION!
a green one???!!!
oh sorry it was just the light refracting erroneously
its blue as blue can be
and thats pretty blue
if you like they can hook arms
so you can make a monkey chain
not a daisy chain
twat!
you can make a little monkey chain
or a big fuck off monkey chain
liberty of choice is a marvellous thing
decades of wholesome existential chain fun with a barrel of monkeys
your life that is
brought to you by the non existent folk at God's Everything Is Lovely Family Toy inc.
unless you god the crap version
a toilet of monkeys...

nauru; a crap island

no really, it is... here they are digging it up to sell it to buffoons

diamond geezer

alright guvna, got a new motor? cackle, cackle...

it's all relative

IT is all relative
but to whom?
brothers or hermanas?
cugini or uncles?
fils or abuelos?
genitori or nipoti?
or just that second cousin twice removed that nobody wants to talk about?
you know the one
you have one
everybody has one
in particular royalty has hordes of 'em
the one that was locked up in top room of the tower
the biggest tower
with the darkest, windingest and ricketiest staircase
the one that if you asked about
you got shushed into an undignified silence
and great aunt bertrice came over all queer and had to go powder her nose
the tv presenters deranged half brother
the pop singers cow bothering father
the sports stars sister that ate all the pies
and then threw them up on direct, live, streaming and podcast interglobal tv
the poor wan child who
try as he might just couldnt jump the whole puddle
let down his parents and got muddy water splashed all over his knee high socks
or maybe IT is you?

Les truly is more

he's a rager not a fighter baby...

Belin! From the ridiculous to the sublime

Do you want some ruffle with that?
Ritratto di Brigida Spinola Doria by Pieter Paul Rubens, Genova 1606...
(click on it to make it bigger and prettier)

jar of shite!

and you thought vegemite, promite and marmite were crap?
come and see the real thing! (ooh mau mau)

i will have that hour back thanks

step 1. try to get respectable fully knowing that entrance to bunghole bar could be problematic
step 2. achieve relative respectability
step 3. head of to tram stop in suddenly torrential rain
step 4. wait for fucking ever for crap tram service
step 5. get cranky about waiting and consider chucking it all in
step 6. tram shows and simple trip to toon
step 7. alight tram, tend to fundage necessities
step 8. approach bunghole bar with trepidation
step 9. pretentious arsehole does the up and down looking and make up crap excuse for refusal
step 10. express disbelief at pretentious arseholes threadbare excuse
step 11. realise debating is pointless and depart hoping to have some dignity intact
step 12. consider going for a pint at nearby public house
step 13. plump for tram stop
step 14. play the crap tram waiting game again
step 15. fume over pretentiousness of arseholes and pronto location choice
step 16. tram back again
step 17. go to local paper shop for consolatory beers
step 18. ahhh thats better..
step 19. WANKERS!
step 20. repeat steps 19 & 20 ad nauseum

beer tips for vampires

one ahahahahah: drink your beer in the dark-its better for you
two ahahahahah: you need not use your fangs to open beer-there are twist tops now
three ahahahaha: drink Bloody Brand Beer-must i explain?
four ahahahahah: long necks are highly desirable-more nape
five ahahahahaah: light beer is for lightweight vampires-what are you a bloodsucking monster or a bloodsucking mouse?
six ahahahahaha: when you do a number two in the pub bogs, dont tuck your cape into your smalls-very uncool
seven ahahahaha: using your coffin for an esky may seem clever, but will you sleep in the bath?
eight ahahahahah: when hungover, stick to bloody marys-you just have to find where they live
nine ahahahahah: exotic beers with chili are okay-ones with garlic are not
ten ahahahahaha: do not get pissed and fall asleep on the lawn-unless you have a death wish

heres looking virtually at you G Man

footballs coming home...

limping bald people in westminster

loads of them
wearing dark suits
how do i know this?
coz i sat by the window on the first floor
and watched them limping baldly
to and from st james park tube
instead of working hard for my 4 squid an hour
you pay peanuts
you get allergies

and then my rectum didnt prolapse

pre christmas 1996
george and i head to the outskirts of swansea to sort out a hire car
george had hired a car from this mechanic bloke before
probably the van we went in to alton towers for his birthday
it all seemed okay
all the fackin stewwdents buggered off to see their fams for xmas
i came solo polo mint back to pick it up on the 29th
it seemed rather flash to me
a volvo estate
with a seat warmer in the driver seat!
i motored off feeling very grown up
got on the end of the m4
and zoomed past port talbert and the sin factory
past the phony castle
past cardydd and newport and over the severn on the rather new big bridge
i didnt see richey from the manic street preachers
past bristol and turned off for bath
from bath i headed for the wild woods of colerne
(where i imagine mr lydon had his binoculars on top of box hill)
to dear catherines parents house
we went for a bit of a spin around
and then we went flying over some traffic humps
she introduced me to zovirax
i stayed the night there and in the morning we set off
picking up george, ems, grim, cym from bristol station
(scene of young ones filming)
where they converged from their various family abodes
and we zoomed north on the m5
we stopped at a services somewhere
got some petrol and some munch
catherine didn't discover porn mags all over the carpark
perhaps an hour or so later i noticed that we needed petrol again
thirsty seat warmers!
so we pulled off the motorway short of gloucester and went to a petrol station
where somebody discovered a happy trail behind us
we got a mechanic to look at it
and he said it was big trub, would take a few days to fix
there was a hole in the botswana and it had been a bodgy fix
which was a fucking disaster because today was the 30th!
from a phone booth we rang the geezer in swansea
who was most uncooperative and wanted us to wait while he came to look at it!
after he talked to the mechanic he sulkingly agreed that he would pay for us to get a hire car in gloucester
so we took our super comfy estate car drippingly into gloucester to europcar
they had a car that suited our needs but it was pricey
so from the office we called welsh prick again
i tell him the price and he gets cranky and says its too much
being crap i ummed and erred and didnt know what to do
thankfully catherine took the phone and kicked his arse into next week
and before you knew it he was giving his credit card details to the europcar chick
we got a nice modern reddish car
and scorched off ever northwards to be in edinburgh that night for hogmanaying
as lovely warm seated volvo sat forlornly in the europcar carpark for dodgy swansea mechanic to come pick it up....

the wrong trousers

isn't islam great!!!


'Indecent trousers': Sudanese woman spared flogging, jailed
September 8, 2009 - 4:59PM


Sudanese journalist Lubna Ahmed al-Hussein has been sent to jail after she refused to pay a fine imposed for wearing trousers deemed "indecent", one of her lawyers says.

"She has been taken to the women's prison in Omdurman [the twin city of Khartoum]," Kamal Omar said on Monday.

Earlier in the day, a Khartoum court spared Ms Hussein a whipping but instead fined her 500 Sudanese pounds ($235).
Sudanese journalist and UN staffer Lubna Hussein, wearing the same trousers that had sparked her arrest, is seen outside the court where she was convicted of violating the public indecency law by wearing trousers outdoors and fined US$200, in Khartoum, Sudan.

"I won't pay. I'd rather go to prison," she told AFP by telephone before she was taken to jail, though her lawyers said they would try to persuade her to pay.

Speaking as they emerged from the court hearing, which was barred to the press, witnesses said the court had ruled that Ms Hussein be jailed for a month if she failed to pay the fine.

Under Sudanese law, she could have been sentenced to a maximum of 40 lashes for "indecency" under Islamic principles after being arrested with 12 other women wearing trousers in a Khartoum restaurant in July.

Women in trousers are not a rare sight in Sudan but the authorities can take offence at trousers that reveal too much of a woman's shape, leading to accusations from human rights groups that judgment is arbitrary.

Ten of the women arrested on the indecent dress charge, including Christians, were subsequently summoned by the police and each given 10 lashes.

Ms Hussein could have suffered a similar punishment, but instead she challenged the charge and began a publicity campaign to try to have the law changed.

AFP

im sure

im sure there are americans that arent gun toting religious buttholes
im sure there are worldly chinese
im sure there are tall thais
im sure there are emo bands that arent shit
im sure there are conservative politicians that arent cunts
im sure there are dogs that dont chase their tails
im sure nige has a hair left on his head somewhere
im sure not all religious people are ignorant fuckwits
im sure all take away food isnt completely without nutrients
im sure the programmers for commercial tv channels arent all contemptuous morons
im sure leon is getting larger
im sure the nips are are getting bigger
im sure george will answer my email one day
im sure all israelis arent dirty, racist, land-thieving pricks
im sure aliens arent all green
im sure that doesnt taste as good as it looks
im sure not every arab man is sexist backward eejiot
im sure i will recall all the particulars of all the grammar of 3 languages
im sure there is intelligent life in the suburbs
im sure socrates banged on a lot
im sure there is beauty in the german language
im sure those ecuadorian fuckwits had a redeeming feature between them
im sure theres a point here somewhere...

noel and liams downfall...

thanks to Mr Fisher...

got nothing to say?

write a blog...

george cantstandya

you know who really sucks arse?
the bottom of the barrel?
the scum of the earth?
the etcetera of the etcetera?
yes
its salesmen
or salespersons or whatever the hell they are called in a politically correct millenium
their whole reason to be (or raison détre or something) is to fuck you over
they earn their living by fucking people over
the more they fuck you over
the more targets they hit
the more bullshit they speak
the more they scam anybody and everybody
the more money they make
so they are ultra motivated to scam, bullshit and fuck over as many people as possible!
what is that these people contribute to society?
fucking nothing!
FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ma, lo porto ancora?

hidden treasures-tupac amaru's gold or a couple of random comments?

i've recently been finding comments on old blog postings
there are several pearls of wisdom
and then there are your comments (boom boom!)
of which i knew nothing
getting comments is brilliant
and quite the rarity
as i am incoherent most of the time
I have no idea when comments show up
this devilish machine doesn't notify me
so if you leave a comment
i may discover it at some point
and when i do
i will be immensely grateful
and devastatingly handsome

cant get no respect

mid-table rant

the view here from the mid-table is alright
middling one could say
and one just did
you cant make out great events on the horizon
they are obscured
by the banal stuff
we would like to break into the top echelons
amongst the big forty
but it seems we destined to stay here
at the mid-table
we are taking it one juego at a time
going for the hard pelotas
and striving to improve on the uno por ciento's
they might take us up to the top table
instead of here at the mid of the kiddies fold out version
with the unfashionable equipos
you know the ones
with drool slinking ever closer to the arepa
with boogers protruding from both narices
these guys are forever on the lower edge of the table
with a solid chance that they might even end up on another table altogether
or all together
perhaps we should resign ourselves life at the mid-table
instead of this foolish dreaming of a sugardaddy's
that might, just might
life us up from the mid-table to where we rightly belong
no
life at the mid-table is alright
if only we could get these sporks out of our butts...

LATE BREAKING NON-NEWS!!!

we apologise for this break in transmission of bollocks
it is due to force majeur or some such crap
we hope to resume subnormal service as soon as we can be arsed...
we appreciate your patience, alternatively you can fuck right off...

goddam racists-CRANK!

Quiet slicing of the West Bank makes abstract prayers for peace obscene

Condemnation of 'illegal' settlements and violence only blurs the reality of what the Israeli state is sanctioning, day by day

Slavoj Zizek
The Guardian, Tuesday 18 August 2009

On 2 August 2009, after cordoning off part of the Arab neighborhood of Sheikh Jarrah in east Jerusalem, Israeli police evicted two Palestinian families (more than 50 people) from their homes; Jewish settlers immediately moved into the emptied houses. Although Israeli police cited a ruling by the country's supreme court, the evicted Arab families had been living there for more than 50 years. The event – which, rather exceptionally, did attract the attention of the world media – is part of a much larger and mostly ignored ongoing process.

Five months earlier, on 1 March, it had been reported that the Israeli government had drafted plans to build more than 70,000 new homes in Jewish settlements in the occupied West Bank; if implemented, the plans could increase the number of settlers in the Palestinian territories by about 300,000 Such a move would not only severely undermine the chances of a viable Palestinian state, but also hamper the everyday life of Palestinians.

A government spokesman dismissed the report, arguing that the plans were of limited relevance – the construction of homes in the settlements required the approval of the defence minister and the prime minister. However, 15,000 have already been fully approved, and 20,000 of the proposed housing units lie in settlements that Israel cannot expect to retain in any future peace deal with the Palestinians.

The conclusion is obvious: while paying lip-service to the two-state solution, Israel is busy creating a situation on the ground that will render such a solution impossible. The dream underlying Israel's plans is encapsulated by a wall that separates a settler's town from the Palestinian town on a nearby West Bank hill. The Israeli side of the wall is painted with the image of the countryside beyond the wall – but without the Palestinian town, depicting just nature, grass and trees. Is this not ethnic cleansing at its purest, imagining the outside beyond the wall as empty, virginal and waiting to be settled?

On the very day that reports of the government's 70,000-home plan emerged, Hillary Clinton criticised the rocket fire from Gaza as "cynical", claiming: "There is no doubt that any nation, including Israel, cannot stand idly by while its territory and people are subjected to rocket attacks." But should the Palestinians stand idly while the West Bank land is taken from them day by day?

When peace-loving Israeli liberals present their conflict with Palestinians in neutral, symmetrical terms – admitting that there are extremists on both sides who reject peace – one should ask a simple question: what goes on in the Middle East when nothing is happening there at the direct politico-military level (ie, when there are no tensions, attacks or negotiations)? What goes on is the slow work of taking the land from the Palestinians on the West Bank: the gradual strangling of the Palestinian economy, the parcelling up of their land, the building of new settlements, the pressure on Palestinian farmers to make them abandon their land (which goes from crop-burning and religious desecration to targeted killings) – all this supported by a Kafkaesque network of legal regulations.

Saree Makdisi, in Palestine Inside Out: An Everyday Occupation, describes how, although the Israeli occupation of the West Bank is ultimately enforced by the armed forces, it is an "occupation by bureaucracy": it works primarily through application forms, title deeds, residency papers and other permits. It is this micro-management of the daily life that does the job of securing slow but steady Israeli expansion: one has to ask for a permit in order to leave with one's family, to farm one's own land, to dig a well, or to go to work, to school, or to hospital. One by one, Palestinians born in Jerusalem are thus stripped of the right to live there, prevented from earning a living, denied housing permits, etc.

Palestinians often use the problematic cliché of the Gaza strip as "the greatest concentration camp in the world". However, in the past year, this designation has come dangerously close to truth. This is the fundamental reality that makes all abstract "prayers for peace" obscene and hypocritical. The state of Israel is clearly engaged in a slow, invisible process, ignored by the media; one day, the world will awake and discover that there is no more Palestinian West Bank, that the land is Palestinian-frei, and that we must accept the fact. The map of the Palestinian West Bank already looks like a fragmented archipelago.

In the last months of 2008, when the attacks of illegal West Bank settlers on Palestinian farmers became a regular daily occurrence, the state of Israel tried to contain these excesses (the supreme court ordered the evacuation of some settlements) but, as many observers have noted, such measures are half-hearted, countered by the long-term politics of Israel, which violates the international treaties it has signed. The response of the illegal settlers to the Israeli authorities is "We are doing the same thing as you, just more openly, so what right do you have to condemn us?" And the state's reply is basically "Bde patient, and don't rush too much. We are doing what you want, just in a more moderate and acceptable way."

The same story has been repeated since 1949: Israel accepts the peace conditions proposed by the international community, counting on the fact that the peace plan will not work. The illegal settlers sometimes sound like Brunhilde from the last act of Wagner's Walküre – reproaching Wotan and saying that, by counteracting his explicit order and protecting Siegmund, she was only realising Wotan's own true desire, which he was forced to renounce under external pressure. In the same way the settlers know they are realising their own state's true desire.

While condemning the violent excesses of "illegal" settlements, the state of Israel promotes new "legal" building on the West Bank, and continues to strangle the Palestinian economy. A look at the changing map of East Jerusalem, where the Palestinians are gradually encircled and their living area sliced, tells it all. The condemnation of anti-Palestinian violence not carried out by the state blurs the true problem of state violence; the condemnation of illegal settlements blurs the illegality of the legal ones.

Therein resides the two-facedness of the much-praised non-biased "honesty" of the Israeli supreme court: by occasionally passing judgment in favour of the dispossessed Palestinians, proclaiming their eviction illegal, it guarantees the legality of the remaining majority of cases.

Taking all this into account in no way implies sympathy for inexcusable terrorist acts. On the contrary, it provides the only ground from which one can condemn the terrorist attacks without hypocrisy.

Slavoj Zizek is international director of the Birkbeck Institute for the Humanities szizek@yahoo.com

worth the chafe

who thinks of this shit? are they available for a pint?

dung!!! it's wedding bells (or crepes)

off to a wedding today
im going to be second best man
which is pretty cool, i think
I get to wear a suit
and a vest
so i'd best have a shave
pop a couple of respectable pills
and try to bash this shambles of a person into a fit state for public consumption
all the greats will be there
cousins, some partially removed, aunts, uncles, siblings, parents, goat people,friends and fiends
my dear cuz is getting all hitched
it's all pretty marvy
she's marrying a good bloke
and she's all very happy
and he's all very happy
which makes me at least partially very happy
or is that at least all partially happy?

some kind of bogan monstrosity

DVD-Metallica, Some Kind of Monster
duration-fucking ages
starring-loads of bogans
Synopsis; hugely popular bogan behemoth and masters of shoutiness have a documentary made about them trying to record an album and being cranky at each other... They have a counsellor follow them around everywhere, trying to make them get along long enough to make a new record and cash in yet again. He has taught them all fluent shrink speak and they express themselves with "I feel this/I respect your that" Hilarity ensues as the drummer, Lars von twatville shows himself to be an enormous tossface and is at loggerheads with lead shoutmeister James AllHetupfield, who is obviously fucked up (disappears off to detox clinic), but at least interesting. Other hispanic guitar dude radiates stupidity despite barely opening his mouth and new bass guy looks like an enormous teddy bear. Special guest is formation era guitarist who got kicked out of the band and now shares his suffering with hilarious consequences of "my twenty years of pain" earnest speeching.
Despite the over-shoutiness of the music and the annoying band members, the film is pretty damn funny.
4 lavatory flushes out of 5

Vlad, a real man...

Russian Prime Minister, ex-president, former
KGB nasty and huge bunghole Vladimir Putin...
Showing off his big muscles by going topless when the media just happened to be around...

Riding a horse...














Going hunting...















and fishing...


















Because it's so bloody hot in Russia it was absolutely, utterly and irrefutably necessary for him to get his kit off....what next, topless checking your emails?
Gee Vlad, you are so hard!

Danger! Low Browser

apparently last week a bloke in godblessgunsamerica wents nuts in a gym
he went into a room with aerobics bouncing things going on
turned out the lights
pulled out his guns
and shot as many people as he could
then shot himself
this in itself is unremarkable
american shoots everybody
big deal!
american then shoots himself
big fucking deal!

but the interesting thing about this loser
is that apparently he kept a blog
and he had been writing about his plans to kill people online, in blog form,
for over a year!
but probably nobody saw it...
as ROOT! say
Joe Bloggs but nobody reads it
http://www.nypost.com/seven/08052009/news/nationalnews/full_text_of_gym_killers_blog_183111.htm
it makes one imagine how many boring bastards
are writing blogs on the internerd
which NOBODY reads!
ha!
also
could it be a worldwide trend?
after two years of spouting bollocks here
might I go mental and go out to a gym/library/pub and spout bollocks at innocent people?
perish the thought...

sod all this im off to mexico

where people are classy, like me...

passa wind

theres a huge wind belting about today
the trees are waving around wildly
getting under eaves and testing roofs
the constant rustle of leaves
picking up little micios and sending them flying across the burbs
some wankers on brunswick street had their berets blown off
it would seem Lunchicles the greek god of wind is cranky

either that or beavis has been on the beans again...

sorry about that

sorry man
you dont look too good
sorry to see you bent double like that
all the crystaline light gushing out of you
sorry i cant do anything to help
it cant be much fun
sorry if there was something i should have done
your anguished expression is deafening
sorry i dont have karmic painkillers
you could never have seen it coming
sorry i ran out of foresight last week
are you sure theres no esoteric cure?
sorry to see you go out this way
i will tell your friends and family the story
sorry they cant be here
send me a postcard from the other side
sorry i cant pay C.O.D
your colours are all fusing
your lights are dimming
sorry it has to end this way
really sorry man

40-odd ways to say...

coglione
casone
pirla
minchione
bischero
babbeo
baccala
bietolone
deficente
fesso
gonzo
grullo
mammalucco
merlo
oca
rimbambito
salame
scimunito
testone
tonto
zuccone
allocco
baggiano
balordo
beota
citrullo
cretino
idiota
imbecile
scemo
semplicione
stupido
duro
ebete
mentecatto
poco intelligente
sciocco
insensato
insulso
ottuso
stolido
stolto

botty jelly my arse!

oh how we laughed !

ha, ha
ha, ha

a bit like that...

un gobbo e nostra dama

ma che palle
dopo un paio di mesi
e' finita la storia dell'gobbo
e e' finita male
che fucking tristezza
mi ha lasciata un po giu
beh
il cattivo prete e' rimasto schiacchiato sul pavimento o la selcia
qualsiasi cosa che quello sia
la gran bella gnocchetta che abbiamo seguito da tanto tempo e' stato brutalmente impicchata
la mamma e' morta dopo aver sbattuta la testa sui sassi della piazza
dopo che si sono appena ritrovati dopo 15 anni !
il bell capitano si e sposato con la cugina che non amava
del guercio....
sembrarebbe che si e' messo a morire con la sua amata egiziana gia cadavere
in una caverna
il che e' molto poetico
pero...
l'unico che ha la fine quasi felice
era il poeta gringoire
sarebbe l'amarezza che e' rimasto nella boca?

a mounted goat

free beer
free beer
free beer
visited the mountain goat brewery on friday night
in downtown richmondia
it was super
if a bit chilly
through mysterious and extremely legitimate means
someone had a whole load of free beer passes
18
so we had to go and drink them all
there were loads of different types
each one groovier than the last
even special guest ones
there were tasty tasting trays
the bar staff ended up a bit sick of giving out free beers
but by that point it were too late
feed the goat and he will score...

dont drink and dive

And I can't help but feel we're all just going nowhere ...

god told me to...

islamic society wasnt always backwards and moronic
it was for quite a while super advanced
even though it sprang from religious wank...
so there you have it
for several centuries while the europeans were fumbling around in the dark ages
the islamic culture was kicking goals all over the shoppe
they sorted out philosophy, science, medicine, maths and kulcha in general
absorbing wisdom from the greeks, the indians, the persians et al
and spreading it via the whole international trade thing
they were even....gasp
tolerant of other religions
science flourished
unlike in europe
where the church succesfully stomped all over it
until the rebirth
when all this kulcha which was kept alive by the islamic societies was put to good use
and the church kept stomping away
murderingly fighting against the weakening of its power
of course islamdom was all based on the usual horseshit
of some bloke talking to fairies in the desert etc
but despite that
lots of good stuff was achieved
meanwhile the christians of europe
decided they needed jerusalem coz the vatican told them it was holy or something
so they went there
had huge wars
and slaughtered local innocents mercilessly
fucking backwards moronic idiots...