a book about po

i got a book about po
it was very kindly given to me by two people
they tore it in half
then gave their bits separately
i prefer one of the bits
but i cant say so here because of the massive readership
it talks about all kinds of po
except the river
or the 'bit''
its by Stephen Fry
the man is a fucking legend
everything he touches turns to... well... tungsten
Solid!
I have read several of his novels
watched him blackadder, a bit of etc, jeeves etc and
read his missives in the guardian
loved him mincing about as wilde, oscar, not wilbur
so beware foolish reader
you may find yourself
.....
being battered around the frontal lobes with po
the kind of po that the geneva convention couldnt ban
because it was indefinably bad
and maybe
just maybe
a splash of everybodies fave type of po
saphic!

nasal name change

I've decided to call my nose Gary... coz its so full of crap

swine o' the times

this little piggy went to el mercado
this little piggy stayed home and rolled about in his own excrement
this little piggy had swine flu
this little piggy gave it to a nun
and this little piggy went achoo acchoo acchooo sending killer bacteria all the way across the globe, wiping out humankind...

how about those blokes from the jayhawks?

no really... any ideas on that? coz ive got fucking none!

i was looking forward to saturday night
going to an excellent gig
to see the two main dudes from the jayhawks
who are pretty damn good
despite me knowing bugger all about them until a couple of weeks back
i got their stuff
and did lots of practice
and late in the day i even refined the practice to the stuff with those 2 dudes specifically
coz one of them did a peter koppes
i was really getting into it
looking forward
not backward
to seeing an old friend
who lived over the waaaater
that i hadnt seen for 'nyears
since his weddage
all was going to plan
we left a bit late but not too bad
got there, ordered some food and beers
the beers came
the food didnt
got some more beers
the food didnt come
got some more beers
had a bit of a happy rant
they were busy
then got a message from distant friend that he couldnt make it
he got shafted by shit airline jetstar
and spent over 200 big ones for nowt
my already waning enthusiasm and hope waned just a bit more to the left
the food came
too late to save my wobble
and too late to see the first 30 mins of the gig
it was bloody hot in there
and i just didnt feel like standing up in a sauna
at the back of the sauna at that
so after perhaps 3 songs
i left and got a crab home
not really what i had in mind when i set out...

Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man

try saying this when you are pissed!

whats wrong with brunswick street...

is full to the RIM with....


I and some very respectable people tried to eat at the vegie bar the other night... big fucking mistake.
Not only is it a magnet for a lot of pretentious wannabe twats but the food aint all that great and the service is shite. Each of those things is bearable, but the smug fucker who claimed to 'serve' us was one of the most objectionable tossers to walk the crusty bit of this big blue and green thing.
At least I had the pleasure of telling them how completely fucked and pathetic they are...
fucking arseholes!
at now the real damage will be done via the tide of vegetarian readers of this highly influential blog who shall scorn said establishment, even from other time zones and continents..
VAAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFUUUUNNNNCCCCUUUUUULLLLLOOOOOOOOOO!

Thailand demonstrates another reason NOT to go there..

Further horseshit from the thai government, it follows the arrest and incarceration for 3 weeks of British national Simon Burrowes earlier this year after he had spoken "rudely" with an Immigration officer at Phuket International Airport. Or the Australian 'author' who wrote something vaguely referring to the royal family in a book that sold four copies and was facing years in prison...

PHUKET: A Melbourne mother of four is facing five years in a Thai jail after allegedly "stealing" a bar mat ['coaster'] from a Phuket pub.
The report says 36-year-old Annice Smoel was arrested by undercover police as she left the Aussie Bar in Patong on May 3. She says friends had put the bar mat in her handbag as a prank, but the undercover police working in the bar found the mat and arrested her. She spent two nights in a four-metre-by-four-metre jail cell.
"I had only just picked it up … had a quick look inside and saw there was something [I didn't recognize] in it," she said. "I was nowhere near the handbag – one of the girls involved went down to the police and confessed and apologised, and they told her to go away."
Ms Smoel, who was in the country to celebrate her mother's 60th birthday, has been stranded in Thailand for the past 17 days after police confiscated her passport. She said she was hanging in there, but wanted to get home as soon as possible to see her four children, aged six, eight, 11 and 12.
If she is found guilty, Ms Smoel faces between two and five years in jail, the AAP report says.
Ms Smoel is now stranded in Phuket as the police have seized her passport pending adjudication of the case. It is understood that her husband has returned to Melbourne to look after the couple's children.

She was hanging out in an Australian theme pub so she is a dirty bogan, but still.... bungholes

mind the crap

man i thought that was funny
that voice banging on
at many stations on the london underground
sometimes a big blokes deep voice
sometimes a lady sounding very serious
sometimes it was bert newton (not really0
repeating over and over again
mind the gap
mind the gap
i larfed
then i larfed some more
then i didnt notice it much any more
until i was passing through
again
or possibly again
then one day i saw t shirts
with 'mind the gap' on them
being sold to dipshit australian bogans
and worn by them
life is complicated innit?

take that nicky wicky

Looka yonder! looka yonder!
Looka yonder! a small brownish cloud come!
A small brownish cloud come!
O comes cucciolo. comes cucciolo

Yonder on the horizon
Yonder on the horizon
Stopped at the mighty dish
Stopped at the mighty dish and
Slurped the damn thing dry
cucciolo-o-o, o cucciolo
In a valley hides a beasty called cucciolo

Distant claws tappity tap. distant claws tappity tap
Rumble hungry like the beasty
The beasty she cometh, cometh in
The beasty she cometh, cometh in
Wo wo wo-o-o
Cucciolo brown. cucciolo-o-o. yeah cucciolo
The beasty she cometh in, cucciolo brown

Why the hen wont lay no egg
Cant get that cock to crow
The nag is spooked and crazy
O Dog is cucciolo! o Dog is cucciolo!
O Dog is cucciolo! o Dog is cucciolo!

Ya can say these streets are rivers
Ya can call these rivers streets
Ya can tell ya self ya dreaming buddy
But no sleep runs this deep
No! no sleep runs this deep
No sleep runs this deep
cucciolo at the window
Rain crashing on the pane
Writing in the frost
Cucciolos fame. cucciolos fame
O Dog is cucciolo! o Dog is cucciolo!

O go to sleep lil children
The cucciolo is on her way
O go to sleep lil children
The cucciolo is on her way
But the lil children know
They listen to the tapping of her paws
Listen to the tap-tapping of her paws
Listen to the tap-tapping of her paws
Listen to the tap-tapping of her paws
They listen to the tap-tapping of her paws
The cucciolos come!
The cucciolos come!
And the black rain come down
The black rain come down
The black rain come down
Water water everywhere
Where no bird can fly no fish can swim
Where no bird can fly no fish can swim
No fish can swim
Until the queen is born!
Until the queen is born!
Il cucciolo! cucciolo-o-o!
Til the queen is born, il cucciolo!

In a clap-board kennel with a roof of tin
Where the rain came down and leaked within
A puppy frozen on a concrete floor
With a schmacko and a bone and a cradle of straw
Cucciolo-o-o! o cucciolo!
With a schmacko and a bone and a cradle of straw

Well saturday gives what sunday steals
And a child is born on his brothers heels
Come sunday morn the first-born dead
In a shoebox tied with a ribbon of red
Cucciolo-o-o! hey cucciolo!
In a shoebox buried with a ribbon of red

O ma-ma rock you lil one slow
O ma-ma rock your baby
O ma-ma rock your lil one slow
O Dog is cucciolo! o Dog is cucciolo!
Mama rock your lil one slow
The lil one will walk on, cucciolo
The lil one will walk on, cucciolo
Black rain come down, black rain come down
Cucciolo-o-o! yeah cucciolo!
And carry the dinner of cucciolo
Cucciolo-o-o! o cucciolo! yeah!
The king will walk with cucciolo!
Cucciolo-o-o! o cucciolo!
He carried the dinner out to tupelo!
Cucciolo-o-o! hey cucciolo! [repeat]
You will be licked by cucciolo...

que clase de amor!

mira la vanessa reir
mira la vanessa discuta..
mira la vanessa y basta!

Milk expose!

I watched the fillum Milk recently, but it was CRAP!

There was nothing even remotely dairy in sight for the entire 2 hours. Just some gay american blokes playing political tiddlywinks and eating soy pudding...

what, no herds of wilderbeest roaming the moon?

Clouds of lunar dust kicked up by imaginary Great Moon Wilderbeest rampaging around the place...


somebody once told me that the wilderbeest on the savannahs of africa were direct descendants of the Great Moon Wilderbeest. It seemed plausible at the time, I mean, I had only 24 years. So I packed my baggies and headed off to Nairobi and got up quite close to some of these lunar wilderbeest descendants and saw nothing to dissuade me of their space heritage. Nobbly knees? check! Daft beard? Check! Standing around looking dozy? Check! running off in huge herds because thats what the thousands of others are doing for no particular reason and kicking up loads of dust? Checkage!
Now I find out it was all a lie, the pain! 'Tis a pity tho, imagine how cool all that moon dust floating about after thousands of them thundered nobbly-kneed across it! It would hang for hours!
Bastard knowledge, ruining my ideal world, thats the last time i learn anything...

post nasal drip

oh it runs
it runs again
and again
it wont stop running
not like the great waterfalls
it doesnt cascade or freefall down
tumbling mightily
it seeps and dribbles
like a tap left on just enough
something akin to molten lava
seeping every so gently
and ever so unstoppably
you cant dam it
or plug it
it will continue to run seemingly forever
run
run mother fucker
comin' to get you...

I'm making your favourite tonight...

Oh you beauty! Roast goat!

potty mouth

does your dog not swear enough? it needs new potty mouth lavatory flavoured snacks!
after just one meal it will be swearing like a fucking bastard!

my grammatical mates

its been pretty hectic around here of late..
i am forever spending time with my learned friends, of late I have been hanging out with JP and Liliana on most days, they always have a good laugh. I dont see so much of Michel Thomas recently, until a few weeks back he was here almost daily, now its only flying visits. Most days Jim Scrivener shows up for a while and bangs on about how to be a brighter, better and more effective. William C Harvey is always around like a yellow freak, i think our friendship will be relegated to acquaintances within the month. Which is sad, coz he's been a good companion. Perhaps a bit like Michael Swann, who has made a comeback in my world, after a long stay overseas. David Crystal was sent my way by an old english friend, sadly she has disappeared but he's there for me and heaven knows I have taken him to some grim places.
Stephen Anderson popped up a month or so ago, full of facts and verbosity but really rather hard work, I shan't miss him when he is off in the next few weeks. Edwin Williams arrived in town from the deep north a year or so ago, a bit battered but full of interesting things to share. Derek Aust and Mike Zollo have been long time friends, half a dozen years or more... these days they are only peripheral players, but its good to know they are around...
it's a frenetic place i tell you...

so stephen hendry rings me for a bit of advice on his game...

but i couldnt help him, coz he is complete shite...