Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
dungholes, bangholes and bumholes
CORNHOLIO: WHATEVER THE WINNER IS, HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE...whats your favourite?
surveys across several nations show an alarming trend
29% of all adults surveyed prefered bangholes
82% of all females surveyed preferred dungholes
only 7% of people under 180 cms preferred bumbholes
interestingly,
85% of people surveyed claimed not to have a bunghole
whereas 54% claimed to have dungholes
35% refused to comment on their bangholes
and
in the southern hemisphere
44% of those surveyed thought that bangholes were superior to bangholes
whereas 29% had postcards of dungholes on their fridges
51% said that they vote with their feet, not their bungholes
compared to the northern hemisphere
where 72% said they would cross the road to avoid a dunghole
and 4% said they would cross the road to get to a dunghole
and 31% assumed they had never met any
alarmingly
72% far east asians saw no problems with bangholes running their countries
saying it was better than that pack of dungholes on the other side
105% of pet owners felt that bumholes cause spotted dick
a view shared by only 13% of non pet owners
when faced with the following.
my love is like a red, red dunghole/banghole/bumhole
most surveyed went to the lavatory to have reflect on it
only 25% returned and of those
402% said that red was wildly innacurate
19% said they had made a medical appointment
and 33.3% preferred trotsky
on a nation by nation basis
bangholes were found to be far preferred by italians
dungholes enormous favourites with the english
and bumholes were enormous favourites in suburban areas of australia
the japanese vacillated (enthusiastically) between banguhorrus and dunguhorrus
west papuans preferred to put bones in any of them with no particular preferences
french speaking nations refused to participate because every time an attempt was made to translate the terms 'frenchmen all' arose on monitors
strangely, despite not being present on the list of options
bungholes won overwhelmingly in godblessamerica.inc
Monday, December 29, 2008
shut up, cricks on the radio
theres been quite a bit of crick around of late
i dont know where my hairnet is either
crick on the telly
and crick on the radio
funny old game that crick
especially the one that goes on and on and on
and that italians think is ridiculous
coz it goes on and on and on and on
four five days! for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
to sit and watch on the telly its mostly boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and you cant just sit there and listen to the radio
coz most of the time
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
the people just bang on about random stuff
but they at least have a little dignity
except for that bloke who laughs at his own jokes
who isnt annoying after all
its kind of relaxing
the smatter of patter
the background noise
the clappage
the appeals
the willow on leather bull
its all kind of comforting
and completely summer in osstraya
communque its boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
but you just want to know whats going on
its like some kind of very lightweight drug
you have to know whats going on
and when the stuff does actually happen
its just after you get fed up and bog off
or just before you come back to it
even at the cricket in a kick arse big stadium
surrounded by loads of people
its pretty boring
its fun to be there
but its boring
and once again
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and stuff only happens when you give up to go for a wazz
or to queue for rubbish food that costs too much
and you hear the roar from up the stairs and around the corner
i dont know where my hairnet is either
crick on the telly
and crick on the radio
funny old game that crick
especially the one that goes on and on and on
and that italians think is ridiculous
coz it goes on and on and on and on
four five days! for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
to sit and watch on the telly its mostly boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and you cant just sit there and listen to the radio
coz most of the time
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
the people just bang on about random stuff
but they at least have a little dignity
except for that bloke who laughs at his own jokes
who isnt annoying after all
its kind of relaxing
the smatter of patter
the background noise
the clappage
the appeals
the willow on leather bull
its all kind of comforting
and completely summer in osstraya
communque its boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
but you just want to know whats going on
its like some kind of very lightweight drug
you have to know whats going on
and when the stuff does actually happen
its just after you get fed up and bog off
or just before you come back to it
even at the cricket in a kick arse big stadium
surrounded by loads of people
its pretty boring
its fun to be there
but its boring
and once again
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and stuff only happens when you give up to go for a wazz
or to queue for rubbish food that costs too much
and you hear the roar from up the stairs and around the corner
Saturday, December 27, 2008
why boxing day?
in certain parts of the world
the day after ahem 'christ'mas
is called boxing day
because everybody stands about and punches the crap out of each other
very primitive indeed these anglo traditions
in more civilized nations they have far more useful things to do on the 26th of december
in iran its repression day
in godblessamerica inc. its shooting black people day
in somalia its go hungry again day
in ecuador its bunghole day
in nigeria its stalk catherine day
in china its agree with the government day
in canadia its bryan adams pimple day
in ukraine its stand around freezing your arse off day
in thailand its dont slag the king off day
in spain its thththhththt double ththththt day
in scotland its get really drunk and incomprehensible day
in zimbabwe its do as i say or die day
in israel its be arseholes to the indigenous people day
in japan its rewrite the history books day
in colombia its do a few lines day
in jamaica its get high and stabbed day
in any of the stans its ignore russia and hope it goes away day
in new zealand its prattle on about rugby day
in brazil stay out of the favelas day
in russia its one party system day
in ireland its the catholic church sucks day
in morocco its lets steal our neighbours land day
in cuba its isnt fidel still honestly great day
in venezuela its when the fuck will chavez shut up day
in iceland its wha wha happened to the money day
in north korea its when will that prick die day
in rwanda its just dont mention the GENOCIDE day
the day after ahem 'christ'mas
is called boxing day
because everybody stands about and punches the crap out of each other
very primitive indeed these anglo traditions
in more civilized nations they have far more useful things to do on the 26th of december
in iran its repression day
in godblessamerica inc. its shooting black people day
in somalia its go hungry again day
in ecuador its bunghole day
in nigeria its stalk catherine day
in china its agree with the government day
in canadia its bryan adams pimple day
in ukraine its stand around freezing your arse off day
in thailand its dont slag the king off day
in spain its thththhththt double ththththt day
in scotland its get really drunk and incomprehensible day
in zimbabwe its do as i say or die day
in israel its be arseholes to the indigenous people day
in japan its rewrite the history books day
in colombia its do a few lines day
in jamaica its get high and stabbed day
in any of the stans its ignore russia and hope it goes away day
in new zealand its prattle on about rugby day
in brazil stay out of the favelas day
in russia its one party system day
in ireland its the catholic church sucks day
in morocco its lets steal our neighbours land day
in cuba its isnt fidel still honestly great day
in venezuela its when the fuck will chavez shut up day
in iceland its wha wha happened to the money day
in north korea its when will that prick die day
in rwanda its just dont mention the GENOCIDE day
Friday, December 26, 2008
the 12 days of shitemas
on the first day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nothing coz she aint real
on the second day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the third day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the fourth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the fifth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the sixth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the seventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the eighth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the ninth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the tenth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the eleventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the twelfth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
12 episodes of big brother
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickelback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real...
my true love sent to me
nothing coz she aint real
on the second day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the third day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the fourth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the fifth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the sixth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the seventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the eighth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the ninth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the tenth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the eleventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real
on the twelfth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
12 episodes of big brother
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickelback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world - Z
Z
Zambia
Just to the north of zimbabwe in over thar from malawi is zambia, or zam as the funky folk call it. In fact the border that divides it and zimbabwe is the ZAMBeze river-coincidence? And part of that border are the smoke that thunders, the victoria falls, which kick arse and are a fab place to hurl yourself off a bridge with a rubber band attached to yer leg. The capital of Zambia is lusaka and i nearly missed the truck there, faffing about in a market.
travel advice-probably a better place to see vic falls from than over the river, and dont faff too much at markets
Zimbabwe
what no rhodesia? dammit. Zimbabwe is mysteriously on the other side of the zambezi from zambia. It took them ages to get rid of the white fuckers and that lead to a government of corrupt black fuckers led by one mugabe. He has taken zim from being the bread basket of africa, to being the toilet of africa. which sucks arse coz its a truly beautiful place.
travel advice-ahhhhhh forgeddaabowtttit! you wanna die or wot?
Zambia
Just to the north of zimbabwe in over thar from malawi is zambia, or zam as the funky folk call it. In fact the border that divides it and zimbabwe is the ZAMBeze river-coincidence? And part of that border are the smoke that thunders, the victoria falls, which kick arse and are a fab place to hurl yourself off a bridge with a rubber band attached to yer leg. The capital of Zambia is lusaka and i nearly missed the truck there, faffing about in a market.
travel advice-probably a better place to see vic falls from than over the river, and dont faff too much at markets
Zimbabwe
what no rhodesia? dammit. Zimbabwe is mysteriously on the other side of the zambezi from zambia. It took them ages to get rid of the white fuckers and that lead to a government of corrupt black fuckers led by one mugabe. He has taken zim from being the bread basket of africa, to being the toilet of africa. which sucks arse coz its a truly beautiful place.
travel advice-ahhhhhh forgeddaabowtttit! you wanna die or wot?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world - Y
Y
Yemen
I know a girl from yemen and its enough to make me right cranky. Yemen is pretty much the southern tip of the arabian peninsula, which bodes badly for not being a shit, backwards, sexist, racist shit tip. women cannot drive cars, most women cannot work, women must marry who they are told, as usual with these islamic ountries they have no rights. Well just fuck off. The capital sanaa has some fab looking buildings that look like they are made of gingerbread.
travel advice-before you even think about it, consider its the home of the bin laden family and read the book 'sold' about how well they treat people.
Yemen
I know a girl from yemen and its enough to make me right cranky. Yemen is pretty much the southern tip of the arabian peninsula, which bodes badly for not being a shit, backwards, sexist, racist shit tip. women cannot drive cars, most women cannot work, women must marry who they are told, as usual with these islamic ountries they have no rights. Well just fuck off. The capital sanaa has some fab looking buildings that look like they are made of gingerbread.
travel advice-before you even think about it, consider its the home of the bin laden family and read the book 'sold' about how well they treat people.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world - W
W
Western Sahara
WS should be a nation on the north western atlantic coast of africa. But its not, and why not? well its because of the dodgy moroccan fuckers who want to claim it, without any good reason.
travel advice-go there and send the king of morocco a postcard telling to fuck off.
Wales
Wales, Galles, Cymru and all that jazz. Wales is well cool, so cool that i decided to live there and go back and visit when i can. They have slate mountains, great mountains (apparently), and pretty coastlines. They also have whacky people, too much rugby, lots of beer and fucking stewwwwwwwwwwdents. Prince Chaz isnt really the king of wales, thats tom jones. It only has a population of a few million but the language is still happening despite the english saesnegs trying to kill it off. acher vee and dim smuggy! and long live pbly cym. Notable welsh people include Vegas Bob, Jobo, Lisebo, Tom Jones, that old bird that sings and dylan thomas.
travel advice-getting drunk is very fun in wales, but do try to see some nature instead of getting legless every bloody minute (like i heard some people do...)
Western Sahara
WS should be a nation on the north western atlantic coast of africa. But its not, and why not? well its because of the dodgy moroccan fuckers who want to claim it, without any good reason.
travel advice-go there and send the king of morocco a postcard telling to fuck off.
Wales
Wales, Galles, Cymru and all that jazz. Wales is well cool, so cool that i decided to live there and go back and visit when i can. They have slate mountains, great mountains (apparently), and pretty coastlines. They also have whacky people, too much rugby, lots of beer and fucking stewwwwwwwwwwdents. Prince Chaz isnt really the king of wales, thats tom jones. It only has a population of a few million but the language is still happening despite the english saesnegs trying to kill it off. acher vee and dim smuggy! and long live pbly cym. Notable welsh people include Vegas Bob, Jobo, Lisebo, Tom Jones, that old bird that sings and dylan thomas.
travel advice-getting drunk is very fun in wales, but do try to see some nature instead of getting legless every bloody minute (like i heard some people do...)
Friday, December 12, 2008
dont get your way rads mixed up with your bulk rads or your gnarli rads
and hang on to your bunghole...
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I heard it from my friends about the things she said...
she said...
i like tricycles
you are beige
legs dont speak
arent isnt aint
it isnt enough to be gruff
bubble spit splat
no cars go
noses are nose go zones
does my horse look big in this?
im late for work
byzantine labyrinth vivsections
how can i help you?
oh shut it
goddam blue beetles
no no no beanbags seat 2
americans float his bot
get some social
oh youuuu guys
its gone
next time you leave close the door solid like!
she sure does bang on a bit and i have i no idea why they want to tell me about it
i like tricycles
you are beige
legs dont speak
arent isnt aint
it isnt enough to be gruff
bubble spit splat
no cars go
noses are nose go zones
does my horse look big in this?
im late for work
byzantine labyrinth vivsections
how can i help you?
oh shut it
goddam blue beetles
no no no beanbags seat 2
americans float his bot
get some social
oh youuuu guys
its gone
next time you leave close the door solid like!
she sure does bang on a bit and i have i no idea why they want to tell me about it
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world - V
V
Vanuatu
Hmm, yes thats vanuatu, not ththanuatu as its known in ththpain. Vanuatu is another island in the souf pacific like and became interesting a couple of years ago because a richard bransons beard started flying there from osstraya. It must have been great news for the tourism industry and everything was most probably quite lovely. Then something bad happend, really bad, beavis went there with leon. They lunched all over the place, underwater, on top of volcanoes and drank kava. Just when it looked as if things were looking up, camel squared went their and showed his wang to everybody
travel advice-dont whatever you do admit to knowing beavis, chemical weapons retaliation is on the cards if you do.
Vatican City
of just fuck off. the vatican is NOT a country, its just a little bit of stolen land run by lying, stealing, murdering fucking pricks with dresses on. the catholic church. I fucking hate the catholic church, they can fuck right off and give that bit of rome back to the bel paese. Notable residents- kiddie fiddlers, torturers, mass murderers and just plain big fucking scam artists
travel advice-firebomb selectively, there is some good art there
Venezuela
Venezuela is a very interesting place indeed. It has ridiculously fab caribbean beaches, fuckoff enormous andean mountains, the highest waterfall on the planet and cheap beer. It was founded by Simon Bolivar-the liberator of the five countries (not to be confused with Simon Portfolio-liberator of the five chickens) and still hasnt got over it. the currency is the bolivar as is half the other stuff around. Due to bad luck, they also have one of the biggest buttholes as president and he is successfully squandering huge amounts of oil money on not much. It must be the most expensive country in latin america except for petrol which is cheaper than milk. Notable Venezuelans include, Vanessa and family and lots of other nice people i met. THTHHTHTHTTH alert, mark 14.
travel advice-take loads of us dollars and change them on the black market, dont spend it all on portugese giblets and getting drunk with catherine in brixton.
Vietnam
Vietnam isnt a real country, it was made up by godlbessamericans inc. film makers. Nah just kidding you are a great reader! it is indochina next to china, laos and cambodia. Apparently its really fab and i would love it. I used to work with a vietnamese guy called dark helmet. After the french fucked off the reds wanted some action so they had some biffo and the godlbessamericans came in and they LOST! Except for Rambo of course, he won. things were grim so lots of people got boats the hell out of there and many came to osstraya.
travel advice- eat, drink and be hairy.
Vanuatu
Hmm, yes thats vanuatu, not ththanuatu as its known in ththpain. Vanuatu is another island in the souf pacific like and became interesting a couple of years ago because a richard bransons beard started flying there from osstraya. It must have been great news for the tourism industry and everything was most probably quite lovely. Then something bad happend, really bad, beavis went there with leon. They lunched all over the place, underwater, on top of volcanoes and drank kava. Just when it looked as if things were looking up, camel squared went their and showed his wang to everybody
travel advice-dont whatever you do admit to knowing beavis, chemical weapons retaliation is on the cards if you do.
Vatican City
of just fuck off. the vatican is NOT a country, its just a little bit of stolen land run by lying, stealing, murdering fucking pricks with dresses on. the catholic church. I fucking hate the catholic church, they can fuck right off and give that bit of rome back to the bel paese. Notable residents- kiddie fiddlers, torturers, mass murderers and just plain big fucking scam artists
travel advice-firebomb selectively, there is some good art there
Venezuela
Venezuela is a very interesting place indeed. It has ridiculously fab caribbean beaches, fuckoff enormous andean mountains, the highest waterfall on the planet and cheap beer. It was founded by Simon Bolivar-the liberator of the five countries (not to be confused with Simon Portfolio-liberator of the five chickens) and still hasnt got over it. the currency is the bolivar as is half the other stuff around. Due to bad luck, they also have one of the biggest buttholes as president and he is successfully squandering huge amounts of oil money on not much. It must be the most expensive country in latin america except for petrol which is cheaper than milk. Notable Venezuelans include, Vanessa and family and lots of other nice people i met. THTHHTHTHTTH alert, mark 14.
travel advice-take loads of us dollars and change them on the black market, dont spend it all on portugese giblets and getting drunk with catherine in brixton.
Vietnam
Vietnam isnt a real country, it was made up by godlbessamericans inc. film makers. Nah just kidding you are a great reader! it is indochina next to china, laos and cambodia. Apparently its really fab and i would love it. I used to work with a vietnamese guy called dark helmet. After the french fucked off the reds wanted some action so they had some biffo and the godlbessamericans came in and they LOST! Except for Rambo of course, he won. things were grim so lots of people got boats the hell out of there and many came to osstraya.
travel advice- eat, drink and be hairy.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Come see magical lapland winter wonderland! in the new forest Dorset, England...
admire the graceful reindeer...
see the savage huskies chained to their err boxes...
gaze in awe at the touching nativity scene..And it only costs 25 pounds a head!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/7758112.stm
Click on the pictures to see real entertainment brilliance at work
now this is brilliant, its better than kryal castle, wobbies world, mini europe, coal creek korrumburra and pissweak world combined at twice the combined price!
a shafting for all the family...
Sunday, December 07, 2008
you're a human sacrifice to the goddess of vice
aye those were the daze..
steves gnarli beard machine, looking slick in his purple
marty without his bandido beard looky v pretty and swaying his guitar about...
koppes looking kinda koppesish cool in his reserved way
and jaydee doouuuouughghghgherty with his pony tail
and how about those wavy arm things... cool...
brilliant... watch this and try not to stay fashionable!
Saturday, December 06, 2008
a whole lot of nothing
simon wants me to write him a blog on everything i am going to buy him for christmas.....
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world-U
U
Uganda
Is a pretty funky name for a country dont you think? Uganda is very central africa and sits on one side of lake victoria, named after that famous african king, victoria. It was also the home of internationally famous nutbag, idi amin. Mr amin managed to take over the country, go completely insane and kill everybody he could, possibly the best value in the psycho dictator shoppe today. I was once on a plane that was going to uganda, but i escaped in a balloon during the carter regime. Uganda wasnt so lucky when armyvis was in the area, calling it a most unnatural disaster.
travel advice-go see the gorrillas in the pissed, if you know what i mean.
Ukraine
Thats Ukraine, not The Ukraine like some buttmunches keep on about, how would they like it if everybody went around banging on about the australia or the britain. so shut up. Ukraine was until recently part of the ussr and a large percentage of the population are russians, so much so that they dont even speak ukranian. (at least thats what a dancing chick in hurghada told me). The capital is kiev and isnt stuffed wth creamy sauce. I got quite close to ukraine once but decided slovakia was whacky enuff for me. In recent times Ukraine managed to piss off the russian bastards who tried to poison their leader with their orange flavoured revolution and got some democracy and now want to be european and nato flavoured. They may need some luck with keeping the kremlin outta town, see georgia. and how about chernobyl and radioactive lollipops? yes, that is in ukraine too.
travel advice-the expression christ on a bike should NOT be applied to beavis on his way to work
United Arab Emirates
known around the wild streets as the uae. so they are united and they are emirates and they are generally pretty arab, three of my favourite adjectives. I think there are 12 of these little camel molesting bits of sand that should be of no importance of all, but they found oil so now they are all over the place and wah wah wah. The two richest, abu dabi and dubai have gone out into the international supermarket of stuff and bought airlines, football clubs, ridiculously tall buildings, racing tracks, theme parks and islands made of sand that look like palm leaves. They are NOT democracies and being arabic, the women are second class, dont believe the hype, they can go and make in a culo.
travel advice-just fucking leave it out wont you?!!
Godblessamerica inc.
Oh dear, you kind of need a whole blog to talk about godblessamerica inc. they modestly named themselves the united states of america, ignorting the fact that they took up less than a tenth of the land mass of the americas and there are 20 or so other american states. godblessamerica inc. is currently the biggest kid on the planetary block and has a habit of being a bunghole, causing death and mayhem anywhere on the planet you care to name. Only 14 percent of godblessamericans have passports, so that says pretty much all you need to know. The country was formed by english religious lunatics and hasnt progressed much. Basically the nation could be summed up as gun shagging, bible humping racist ignorant twats. They became the main world dominators during the century of mass communication, so coca cola, nike, starbucks, mcdonalds, basketball caps and britney spears are bloody everywhere
travel advice-i would rather eat my boots after dipping them in goat shit and arsenic pudding than go to godblessamerica inc again.
Uruguay
its the other guay, just across the river plata from buenos aires. Uruguay isnt up to much these days, they have a pretty good football team, they have gum trees and theres that movie 'alive' about uruguyan rugby players snacking on eachother bottoms. the capital is montevideo which sounds like something particularly pervy involving making love to beavis's videa to me. Even the biggest bogan ignorant australians have now heard of uruguay after we beat them in the world cuppy wuppy play off match. Which caused no end of trauma for urugugugugugyans coz they believed they had a 'divine right' to go to the world cup finals, being hosts of the first ever one and twice winning the whole shebang. Large thththththht warning.
travel advice-if you cant feel your legs, you have taken too many drugs and should stop driving.
Uzbekistan
One of the stanniest of the stan family. Uzbekistan has trees and mountains but no lemurs. Central asia, former ussr, blah blah blah. notable uzbekis include err the president of uzebekistan.
travel advice-you can walk there from south africa if you really, really want to.
Uganda
Is a pretty funky name for a country dont you think? Uganda is very central africa and sits on one side of lake victoria, named after that famous african king, victoria. It was also the home of internationally famous nutbag, idi amin. Mr amin managed to take over the country, go completely insane and kill everybody he could, possibly the best value in the psycho dictator shoppe today. I was once on a plane that was going to uganda, but i escaped in a balloon during the carter regime. Uganda wasnt so lucky when armyvis was in the area, calling it a most unnatural disaster.
travel advice-go see the gorrillas in the pissed, if you know what i mean.
Ukraine
Thats Ukraine, not The Ukraine like some buttmunches keep on about, how would they like it if everybody went around banging on about the australia or the britain. so shut up. Ukraine was until recently part of the ussr and a large percentage of the population are russians, so much so that they dont even speak ukranian. (at least thats what a dancing chick in hurghada told me). The capital is kiev and isnt stuffed wth creamy sauce. I got quite close to ukraine once but decided slovakia was whacky enuff for me. In recent times Ukraine managed to piss off the russian bastards who tried to poison their leader with their orange flavoured revolution and got some democracy and now want to be european and nato flavoured. They may need some luck with keeping the kremlin outta town, see georgia. and how about chernobyl and radioactive lollipops? yes, that is in ukraine too.
travel advice-the expression christ on a bike should NOT be applied to beavis on his way to work
United Arab Emirates
known around the wild streets as the uae. so they are united and they are emirates and they are generally pretty arab, three of my favourite adjectives. I think there are 12 of these little camel molesting bits of sand that should be of no importance of all, but they found oil so now they are all over the place and wah wah wah. The two richest, abu dabi and dubai have gone out into the international supermarket of stuff and bought airlines, football clubs, ridiculously tall buildings, racing tracks, theme parks and islands made of sand that look like palm leaves. They are NOT democracies and being arabic, the women are second class, dont believe the hype, they can go and make in a culo.
travel advice-just fucking leave it out wont you?!!
Godblessamerica inc.
Oh dear, you kind of need a whole blog to talk about godblessamerica inc. they modestly named themselves the united states of america, ignorting the fact that they took up less than a tenth of the land mass of the americas and there are 20 or so other american states. godblessamerica inc. is currently the biggest kid on the planetary block and has a habit of being a bunghole, causing death and mayhem anywhere on the planet you care to name. Only 14 percent of godblessamericans have passports, so that says pretty much all you need to know. The country was formed by english religious lunatics and hasnt progressed much. Basically the nation could be summed up as gun shagging, bible humping racist ignorant twats. They became the main world dominators during the century of mass communication, so coca cola, nike, starbucks, mcdonalds, basketball caps and britney spears are bloody everywhere
travel advice-i would rather eat my boots after dipping them in goat shit and arsenic pudding than go to godblessamerica inc again.
Uruguay
its the other guay, just across the river plata from buenos aires. Uruguay isnt up to much these days, they have a pretty good football team, they have gum trees and theres that movie 'alive' about uruguyan rugby players snacking on eachother bottoms. the capital is montevideo which sounds like something particularly pervy involving making love to beavis's videa to me. Even the biggest bogan ignorant australians have now heard of uruguay after we beat them in the world cuppy wuppy play off match. Which caused no end of trauma for urugugugugugyans coz they believed they had a 'divine right' to go to the world cup finals, being hosts of the first ever one and twice winning the whole shebang. Large thththththht warning.
travel advice-if you cant feel your legs, you have taken too many drugs and should stop driving.
Uzbekistan
One of the stanniest of the stan family. Uzbekistan has trees and mountains but no lemurs. Central asia, former ussr, blah blah blah. notable uzbekis include err the president of uzebekistan.
travel advice-you can walk there from south africa if you really, really want to.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
this blog and the universe
this is the known universe...what does it have in common with this blog?
well.. they are both out 'there' in big and indefineable places ...
AND the search for intelligent life forms out 'there' goes on...
sending out messages into the nothingness.. waiting for some kind of coherent response...
so far it is Universe 0: My Blog 0
sospiro profondo
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
interestingvis
man that beavis bloke is fascinating
no matter what he does
its always reviting
i cant tear my eyes off him
he bats an eyelid
and i am amazed
he is forever up to interesting things
sometimes he makes food in the kitchen
its brilliant
i sit there on the cold floor peering up
desperately trying to see what hes doing
the other night he was playing with his bike machine
i just sat there and gazed on
the other day he was blowing bubbles
i couldnt help myself but watch
even when some came a bit close to me
and i freaked out a bit
then there was the time when he was playing with an air pump
i sat there on the carpet and watched on
the rude fucker even blew air at me
which i hated
but i came back for more
i watched on from a safer distance
sometimes he does stuff in his herb pots
you wouldnt believe how riveting that can be
i can sit there on the bbq and observe for hours
occasionally at the weekend i sit on his lap
and he scratches my chin
which makes me stare away at him without blinking
when he throws a silver ball of foil along the ground
i am helpless to resist it
i hurl myself after it with abandon
oftentimes during the day
i hang out in his house
waiting for him to come home and be interesting
i have to humour this other bloke
who is such a bore compared to beavis
how does he do it?
what will his next trick be?
is there no end to his intrigue?
no matter what he does
its always reviting
i cant tear my eyes off him
he bats an eyelid
and i am amazed
he is forever up to interesting things
sometimes he makes food in the kitchen
its brilliant
i sit there on the cold floor peering up
desperately trying to see what hes doing
the other night he was playing with his bike machine
i just sat there and gazed on
the other day he was blowing bubbles
i couldnt help myself but watch
even when some came a bit close to me
and i freaked out a bit
then there was the time when he was playing with an air pump
i sat there on the carpet and watched on
the rude fucker even blew air at me
which i hated
but i came back for more
i watched on from a safer distance
sometimes he does stuff in his herb pots
you wouldnt believe how riveting that can be
i can sit there on the bbq and observe for hours
occasionally at the weekend i sit on his lap
and he scratches my chin
which makes me stare away at him without blinking
when he throws a silver ball of foil along the ground
i am helpless to resist it
i hurl myself after it with abandon
oftentimes during the day
i hang out in his house
waiting for him to come home and be interesting
i have to humour this other bloke
who is such a bore compared to beavis
how does he do it?
what will his next trick be?
is there no end to his intrigue?
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