it looks like we might have made it..

To the end... Of 2012

so the world has ended?

nope, this is just maya

a craven affair

A few moons back I jumped off a plane in lahndahn town and went to see an international fitba game.  It was the osstraya sheilaroos versus the Nigeria sectarian death squad at the home ground of Fulham football club, I'd never been there before. I guess it made me a...

signs your country is fucked no.3425

Since Newtown school shootings, sales of kids’ bulletproof backpacks soar

#bollocks

#what the fuck?
#really?
#who gives a crap?
#why not make it Spanish?#
#heres some more shite
#fuckity fuck
#isnt this a cancello?
#feo
#bonnet
#not to put on your fucking head
#chess-oh
#smells like shit
#young people
#theres a man on the radio
#tedium beyond the medium
#spliff tag
#hash piece
#!+&%£%#

doggerland

Doggerland was until perhaps 8000 years ago part of a large land mass that connected the British isles to Europe, this land mass stretched out into the north Atlantic and Doggerland covered most of what is now the north sea... In these ancient and obviously, purer and better times,  'prehistoric' man could roam the plains and extensive motorway networks and its myriad lay-bys and be at one with his inner (pervy) being.

no it's bloody well not!

for a man that spouts some pretty stupid shit, old mozza nails it this time...

i dont like your name

And I don't like you
No really
Your name spells it all out
Trevor
Twat
Christian
Nob end
Rodney
Eejiot
Pissing bollock nose
Self explanatory
George
Buffoon
Nigel
Obviously fucked
Cregg
Eat my buttocks
Jeremy
'Nuff said
Eugene
Your mum hated you for a reason, cockknuckle
Tarquin
cunt
Gerald
Hahaha... You poor prick
Joachim con Ribbentrop
Nice try bunghole
Sylvester
Obvious nad muncher
Cecil
Walking abortion
Gareth
Utter wanker buffoonery are you

now THIS is music..,

It's a scorcher!

the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case, is football. boof!

                   
                   
                   
                   
                

missing micio

As martin Luther said
 I had a micio
He was blanc with gris bits
Don't know where he came from
Not sure where he went
There was a house
That's a first
An ickle micio showed up and adopted me
But I had to move
The new one was kinda crappy
It had dirt floors
Debris all over the place
Hard to get into the room
Which somehow backed onto nuclear fusion landlady's one
My micio came with
he was grate
There was no light in your room
Which made things a bit tricky
I found an ickle window
Looking out onto yardish
There was another micio
Micio pequeno
Tutti pequenos!
But it wasn't my micio
And there was a micio in a tiny tub
A drowned micio!
Quel horreur!
With extra phlegmatico 3000
but upon hands of mystery tipping the tub up
The micio awoke!
And mao'd a bit
He was an aquatic micio!
Now who the hell had seen that coming
A fully functioning underwater micio!

theres no such thing...

As a brontosaurus

kyle a traves the lavatory glass

Kyle went for a swim
And never came back...

He was doing OK
Just hanging with his mates
In old skool formation
The old lineup
They were on form
Everything in its right place
Sure
Things could get a bit whiffy
But there was no question of sucking balls
Then one day
In his new home
Shelfing it up
He was sent hurtling
Down down and down
Into the pish et al
He managed to stay afloat
Probably...
Then was sent to his watery oblivion
Where he ended up nobody knows
But it was no doubt a pretty shitty city

out of orifice reply

Hi
I'm away from the orifice from 1/1/1 until precisely the moment hell starts to exist and then simultaneously freezes over, under and fosbury flops it. If you require assistance please contact your own arse via your back door man (rectangular with a wire mesh screen) or if its urgent call me on my cellulite fone on 0011gofuckyourself.
Much love and I hope your loved ones perish of consumption.
LB

i got the no keyboard blues

Yep
Have to write this on a tablet
Carved out of stone
With a chiselled jaw
but at least I'm not claiming that
God told me to
Or
That I'm his chosen person
(Fuck you)
Just humbly tap tap tapping away at me tablet
Carving out a reputation
Or a wave
Its laborious, snack breaking work
hardly given to fluid tgv of thought
Flowing pwose
Or any other such clap flap

anyone for tennis ball?

syncopated lavatories

'nuff said

for betta o worse

'fidel is like a big brother to the cubans' she said
'spanish is my first language' she said
she said so much crap
when there was no need
she had a girl called Troy
she had a man called Fabbo
he claimed to be a great skater
he claimed to have come from key land
he claimed to know the people behind bastard
he thought he was pretty damn great
she certainly agreed with him
their tiny kitchen's only natural light from was from the central light well
which was shit
they had smashed down two walls
at least to waist height
they had a tiny black tv
with a built in vcr
they had killing zoe on tape
their sojourn had a lovely big window
with huge white curtains that lit up in the sun and flowed in the breeze
she worked in a hopital
not a medical boney in her m
he probably worked in a bank
smash the state man
she wasn't stupid
but she sure didn't act very smart
she meant well
he meant well
he had an entire book in photocopy form
and a political bent
she had one too
but it was his

the news tonight is just...

israel kills civilians in gaza for the umpteenth time and thats just fine then apparently
the US says well done for killing them
hamas promises big war... evil fuckers for being angry about being royally rogered by an entire planet!
their religious shit is pretty damn fucked tho
egypt says israel are pricks, at last some fuckers are standing up to them!
another faceless prick takes over the role of china head despot..
US general patreaus sacked coz of shagging a chick, and thats a first for anybody in a position of power in gringolandia!
spanish, portuguese, italians and greeks peoples come out in massive numbers and protest hugely at being fucked by their governments in the name of racketeering banks
burma still-not-yet leader, super cool ang sung etc goes to india to trot out platitudes
argentinian navy ship detained in ghana coz they owe money to cayman island banks!  poor ickle banks with mo money!
obama craps on about deficit, a measly $1.5 trillion ...  trifling!
romney says more racist shit about black people and hispanics who were naughty not voting for his rightwing lunacy
and to finish it off, a woman in ireland dies because she couldn't get an abortion in ireland because it's a catholic country..


so the world is just peachy innit?

face off? no, it's beard off...

this semi-competent acting doofus and his completely, totally and utterly incompetent beard...

how much can a... errr... water... bear?

a helluva lot!
this fucker that looks like it was made by a deranged kid with a vacuum cleaner bag and a large packet of smack is completely serial.
and they are tough mofos too
as my good mate Bob Wikipedia tells it:
"Tardigrades are able to survive in extreme environments that would kill almost any other animal. Some can survive temperatures of close to absolute zero, or 0 Kelvin (−273 °C (−459 °F)),^[8] temperatures as high as 151 °C (304 °F), 1,000 times more radiation than other animals,^[9] and almost a decade without water.^[10] Since 2007, tardigrades have also returned alive from studies in which they have been exposed to the vacuum of space for a few days in low Earth orbit.^[11][12] Tardigrades are the first known animal to survive in space."

Britain is bad mmmkay?

poster from vichy france showing how big bad britain is trying to rule africa etc and being stopped by heroic fascists!

Willian.... It was really nothing

well it was 2-3 anyway...

Endless Street (with apple logies to Iggy)

Oh baby, what a place to be
In the Endless Street Doctors' Surgery
Where can my local GP be?
I wanna jump onto Endless Street

Oh, oh Endless Street
Oh, oh Endless Street
I wanna jump onto Endless Street
Let the bus run over me

Above us is a cloudy sky
Full of chavs and liquors
A pished girl, a wankered guy
These nobs can't get much thicker

Oh, oh Endless Street
Oh, oh Endless Street
Oh, oh Endless Street
Let the cars run over me

And when you're tight for muffin
Gotta get to Endless Life Cafe
But your model plane is just no damn good
Just another trip to Endless Models, hey?

You better go to Castle Cameras, buddy
I really think,
You better go to Salisbury Bus Station, buddy
You better go to the Salisbury Arms, buddy

Endless Street




View Larger Map

endless steak < endless sushi < endless street < endless iggy

(with added hutchence)

current steak?

that's right

it serves you right
any
that's right
it serves you right
that's right
it serves you right
that's right
it serves you right


and that's it


the height of nu music
but weight
sti
any second now

waiting

waiting
waiter..........
waaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiter
ah
what are we waaaaiiiiiiting for?


it's coming
....
some kind of oho hohohohohhohoh



but wait!

still waiting...


a bit of eddie...

ahhh squeal

...


whelm...

well, whadaa you know...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X2ALG9iGPg
disabled embedding..
twats

and Kim is off...

Kim Salmon left the building today
you probably didn't even know that he was visiting
you probably didn't even know he existed
nor that he was some kind of SwampRock legend
communque
he left today
well he was placed in the general leaving department
in the airlock
if we were a'speakin in hitchhikers guide to the galaxy terms
most likely tomorrow he will move on into the vacuum of space
if we were continue with the same old blah blah
then in a couple of days he will be gone for good
Kim has been hanging about for nigh on 20 years
which is a pretty good innings
when you are made out of cotton
a young laydeee
which I once knew quite well
got an identical one
fancy fookin that
entonces
thanks for the good times Kim
sorry mate but i had no choice
gotta at least make a token effort to keep currant bun
a holier than thou has to go sooner or later
I WANNNA MOOOOOOVE!

balls and fields

every now and again there is a song
not just a song
coz they are here all the fucking time
and most of them are shit
more than shit
they are uber shit
but
every now and again
good phrase that
one hears a song that is just so ....
luvverly
U
double V
not just lovely
better still than loverly
(which admittedly sounds rather hard)
but yes
luvverly
and this is one of those
its luvverly
LUVVERLY
just bluddy luvverly

swoon.....

t is for...

no,
its not for trevor
its not for travellator
its not for transitory
nor for trastevere
nor triptych
nor trellis
no
none of those
neither for trophy
neither for truncated
neither for trastorno
nonesuch

entonces chavez continua por 6 anos mas...

y así continua hacer esto (arriba) con el enorme patrimonio de recursos nacionales de venezuela...
fucking suspiro!

shortly before my detection...

shortly before my erection...

ha ha fucking ha!

shortly before my election

shortly before my election to president of the planet

my advisors advised me (as they do)

to come clean about any unsavoury business that might be used against me

the kind of thing that the baddies in the opposition might dig up

i decried

never!

fuck your buttocklegs!

but after a little reflection ponding

it became clear that tenian razon

all those acts of rhino buggery might play out badly in the public light

might give those zoroastrian fundamentalists to get their crank on about

not to mention ending a sentence with a preposition

fuck, it was just mentioned

all those times that i injected splat into my nob end

but never inhaled

the countless episodes of procuring prostitutes

to wash my bike

the times i said 'insert country here' sucks big dogs bollocks

my membership of the Goats That Snog Humans Badly Party

all the holy texts i had vomited on

deliberately

all the video of declaring undying devotion to our new alien overlords

whichever ones that arrive

i was prepared to sign up to any of 'them'

all the legs and trunks that i had devoted to satan with my bizarre nasal ritual

and of course when i said that all 

white

black 

pink

azure

brown 

and most importantly

beige people

smelled like cabbage boiled down for 17 hours 

and left in the sun for a week

then mixed with quadropaedal shit

only to be bottled 

then mixed with rupert murdochs genes

and catapulted into space

in my patent pending happy family go further catapult

to be returned to the planet

and ingested by an ant eater of the amazonian kind

who had a penchant for old, warm and flat beer

and dropped the mayan civilisation ending lunch

were a bit 

well...

shit.

onwards and westwards

fellow travellers

true believers

great steppers forwarders

five (min) year planners

in your eye causality!

peddle me wot?

saw this show not at all that long ago... quite a magnificent madman!

so we meet again mr julian

On the weekend I met up with an old friend
well not completely old
but if he were a dog
you could say he's pushing on a bit
I hadn't seen him since we first met
on another continent
in another hemisphere
actually that might be in two other hemispheres?
we were introduced by a mutual friend
a lovely lady by the name of anel
she had known him for what i imagine was a looooong time
and she seemed to know pretty damn well
and knowing anel was a lady of class and refinement
he and I were bound to get on
i bumped into him back here in my ole home toon
at another mutual friends place
small world hey?
i was visiting my old mucker dan murphy
and there he was
just lounging about looking cool as ever
like nothing had changed
and we weren't on the other side of the world
not even mildly surprised to see me
so i took him back to my friends place
and introduced him
they all got on just fine
although mr julian does come over a bit on the strong side
and his forceful nature meant they weren't immediately enamoured with him
but hey
horses for corsairs
great to see you again mr julian
but tis a pity your price has more than tripled since last we met
you old whore!

steep throat

fucking ouch!

privy and scullery

privy
scullery
two top notch words there
privy
as in
old privy breath
not to be confused with privy
as in privy council
or
privy to information
scullery
the room that used to be next to the kitchen
where dishes and clathes were washed
what happened to the privy?
where did the scullery go?
is this the reason for the decline of western civilisation?
we don't know where to go poop poop
nor where to go washy washy
not like in the good old days
where pooping and washing locations were clear as a claro thing
nobody poop pooped in the scullery
or washy washied in the lavatory
decadence
godbotheringness
great unwashedness
slartibartfastness
we are doomed!

broomhilda the XIth

there we were
broomhilda XIth and I
sitting on a bed
side by side
strangely we were colleagues
and this bed seemed was in the office
she had very curly brown hair
shoulder length
but how long are shoulders?
and a daughter who had the normal amounts of legs
and claimed to be of a certain credence
or a certain extraction
married to a cloth eared bunt?
i didn't give a toss
we drove on into the eve
(dozy cow should have got out of the way)
it all looked peachy
through a rose coloured windscreen
driving south 'round midnight, man I must have been insane
we're heading south
we're heading south again
i looked for a band
or a faith
not sure if one was located
it turned out she was a magictrix
she put her hand on my leg
and I turned into a motel...

speaking of bokko

Who can help us now?
The People's Poet!

my second cousin thrice removed...

went to internet london
and all I got was this lousy blog...

BOKKO!!!

lesbian supermarket

once upon a time i went to a lesbian supermarket
how did i know it was lesbian you don't ask even slightly?
well it shacked up/cohabited with a very spunky lady cafe
and they weren't just wearing the wrong trousers if you know what i mean!
its my fave supermarket in all the lands
except the other ones
thus i have cruised its aisles many a time before
seeking out the good pecorino, snaffling the quality sugo and scoring the spicy salami
you may have guessed its an italianish supermarket
good guessing you
give yourself a smack on the dorsal spine
italianish supermarkets are naturally the best
due to the fact that italian food is naturally the best
oi! shut it mexicans, thais, japanese and lots of other great kitchens!!!
but this was the first time i had noticed it was lesbian
it's just...
well...
hard to know where you stand sometimes in a lesbian supermarket
you feel you know your supermarket and then you realise it was all quite superficial
add seinfeld line here.
sure she's still as cool
she's way to chilled too get angry man hater on us blokey customers

and I'm sure we can get along just great

just how i do with the lesbian bar.... aaahhh ahhhhh

eyerony

from the totality of 2 cameras used in Nicaragua/Mexico this is the ONLY photo that remains.
Taken in the reception of a hostel in mexico city, the chick who worked there had a lovely smile but turned out to be a rather unpleasant and miserable carnt...

kulchural references

spot the difference
one of these men was king carlos IV of spain, whose abdication heralded (sort of) the end of absolute monarchy in Spain.
the other is principal Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller's Day off

nb nil points for the 'tache it is not a valid difference

not ruby wax

saw this the other day
apparently it's directed by the same dude who did little miss sunshine of the spotless toilet seat
which was pretty fab
i think
so ruby wotsit was rally quite enjoyable
with good surrealism to make the brain go tick tock clunk
if your brain works as smoothly as this one
both the protagonists were good
but at various times i felt they both needed a good punch in the face
(not that violence is etc)
him for being such a nerdy twat
and her for having that STUPID plain-jane haircut
and another for good measure for being sooo cutesy
and the dude who played his brother was excellent
showed outstanding maggoty qualities
Steve Coogan was a brilliant pretentious slimebag
and antonio de bandido seemed to make the female style audience members very giggly
with some pretty basic come comedying
strange that...
But i can confidently proclaim that;
if you only see one film this year
make sure you take off your sunglasses

write what you no

so one is supposed to write what they no
i no see
i no be
i no feel
i no real
i no dream
i no steam
i no blog
i no dog
i no worries
i no rorries
i no go slow
i no fo sho
i no nothing
i no bluffing
i no show
i no escrow
i no no no nothing
i no, no, no, no absolutely not
probably about no, that's how many
i hate to say anything negative, but no