OLD 2

what is the deal?
with all this old
its all over the place
sure, theres no crime in old
but why on my watch?
i just happen to not be a huge fan of old
i dont hold it against anyone
but its just not my bag baby
alas it seems i am olds bag
and old wants to get its bag and shake it all up
why why and wherefore
what is the deal?
what makes old hunt me down like a wounded goat in a forest?
dammit old
settle down
i hold no grudge
in some strange way its flattering
but is stated before
nothing to do with my bag
wherever next will old lay in wait for me?
in the gaze of a stranger?
under a baby in a pram?
in a PUB?
its not like im asking for it
is it?
Am I?
maybe its the lazy tennis ball ?
maybe its the oh so moral high ground?
could it be the abjectionables?
fuggered if i know...
im going to start a petition
right here
right now
with jesus jones in tow
say no to old
say go to old
say woe to old
say moe to old
and i said Leonard Cohen

OLD

looks kind of symmetrical doesn't it?

I think I'm a lady but....

I think i'm a lady
But I use the word fuck

I think i'm a lady
But I only use manners when I have to

I think i'm a lady
But I am not offended by the word cunt

I think i'm a lady
But I hate make up

I think i'm a lady
But what the fuck do ladies do?

I hate dressing up, I hate pretending to be what i'm not
Is that ladylike?

I think ladies are false and pretentious
So why do men want you to act that way?

What's wrong with being laid back?
What's wrong with being yourself?
What's wrong with finding humour in freakish things?
What's wrong with society?

What's not.

some more americans shoot each other, piffle

oh no
that didnt really work out how i was hoping
it wasnt an american shooting other americans
it was a south korean shooting americans
thats all right then...
so theres no need to change the gun laws to make it tougher to get guns
if anything there needs to be more guns around
as a few geni have suggested
if only i could go to the usa to live
then i could get shot a lot more
i knew something was sorely missing in this existence

so only one south korean did that?
well knock me down with a baffle board
he was probably a lovely chirpy child
before he moved there
then he became a pathetic hateful ignorant obsessed twat
just like a couple of hundred mill other
its something like a straaaaaaaaaaaange phenomenon
that happens primarily in one country
couldnt possibly be anything to do with free guns for all
thatd just be daft
now if the other turds had guns safely stored in their pencil cases
they could have shot that kid before he shot them
and if the teacher had napalm hidden under his elbow patches
that would have sorted everything out before it got started
if the dean had cluster bombs
well, thatd would be much safer
rooooobot house!
and the cleaners
if they had been sensibly equiped with flame throwers
for cleaning up and such
all this carnage would never have taken place
not to mention the gardeners
if only half of them had land mines planted as far as they eye could see
they could have tempted that kid onto the garden and saved everybody
and the really really important private security service guys/fake police
if they had been given just a couple of tactical nukes...
itd be like having cucumber sandwiches on the lawn
not to mention the life guards at the pool
why they werent equipped with ICBMs to launch from the paddle boards is beyond me
is this supposed to be the greatest country in the worrrrld?
and who left the cheerleaders without even a single grenade?
on quiet days they could use them as pyrotechnics between ads
its lunacy
and whats the point of burning all the books if the librarians cant have a lazy few surface to air missiles?
that kid might have shown up on a jetpack....
dammit if this country doesnt get more guns,
how will we ever get anybody to take us seriously as a pretend bit of america?
its just not good enough to join in stupid ill conceived wars, boycot international treaties to save the planet, treat your citizens like dirt and demonise asylum seekers and the indigenous and ram our pathetic neo christian values down everybodies throats....
fuck you, make a fucking effort

confetti

He kinda
shoulda
sorta
woulda
gone to the lemonheads gig
if he could've

but he didnt and it sucked

what's so great about the british class system

fucking nowt

the day that arthur made it to the POW

while it was not strictly necessary
it was strictly fun
somebody had already being playing the field
there were broken bits everywhere
some shouting and carrying on
charmed im not so sure
not pulled up genes
and a lairy canary
chaperoned by a laydee
a lightly peppered playground
some freaks staring in blurry box of moving shapes
fancy thatvis
south Jerusalem was 24 knots up on the murray dowling footrubbers
and the Inca flebiles were looking good to underthrow the fiefdom of stupidity
a sign on the wall said nothing at all
but someone is on the wayyyy out
the limp bar was deserted
then came the parkway express
and then some big bloke with silly hair
and some silly bloke with big hair
with a gaggle of giggle
somebody fell short
somebody ran off
somebody had no humourarse
nobody had a spotted beck
a loud declaration of disprezza
rounded up with an awful lot of standing around
funny that

the biggest bunghole

bog off skinny dippers
this is just bloody silly
fat bastard number 61
please step up and remove your smalls
wow, thats unpleasant
last week you stank
this week you reek
fat bastard number 22
please peel back your toenails
wow, thats rank
last week you were popular
this week you are a disaster area
fat bastard number 1034
please shave off your tache
wow, thats plain ugly
last week you denied parentage
this week its beyond you
fat bastard number 38
please have that operation
wow, your earhole is puny
last week you drank someones urine
this week you will drink liquid football
fat bastard number 89
please unfold your wings
wow, thats crusty
last week you failed your exams
this week your pelvic splanchnic ganglyon will be removed
fat bastard number 666
please return to earth as armageddon is imminent
wow, sulphur toasties all round
last week you knobbed saddam hussain
this week you see flowers bloom
up there.......

The day Kerryn wrote the blog.......

It's all right if you love me
It's all right if you don't
I'm not afraid of you running away
Honey, I get the feeling you won't

There is no sense in pretending
Your eyes give you away
Something inside you is feeling like I do
We've said all there is to say

Baby breakdown
Go ahead and give it to me
Breakdown honey take me through the night
Breakdown now I'm standin' here can't you see
Breakdown it's all right
It's all right
It's all right Breakdown
Go ahead and give it to me
Breakdown honey take me through the night
Breakdown now I'm standin' here can't you see
Breakdown it's all right
It's all right
It's all right

I just thought that up myself.......

well that solves the mystery of the mystery

what an incredible series of mysteries to solve...
the mystery of the text message
the mystery of the phone calls
the mystery of the strange sensations
the mystery of the curry on the cupboard
the mystery of the jellybotty
the mystery of the bruises that have yet to arrive
the mystery of the fondled foot
the mystery of the blah blah blah
the mystery of the facial hair
the mystery of the nationality of the waitress
the mystery of the british political climate
the mystery of the lying about feeling seedy
the mystery of the stolen music
the mystery of the busted diet
the mystery of the ill feeling towards people in the outer
the mystery of the calls register feature
the mystery of the empty bottles
the mystery of the cant be arsed cooking anything much
the mystery of the lungs arguing
the mystery of the papers unfurling
the mystery of the scratched disc
the mystery of the lionel impersonator
the mystery of the spelling of mystery
the mystery of the cold breadheads
the mystery of the fishy sensations
the mystery of the the fumbled vocabulary
the msytery of the chilled arms
the mystery of the furtive limebeaver
the mystery of the outside world
the mystery of the mysoginy
the mystery of the calls not made
the mystery of the irrational discourse
the mystery of the great big mess
the mystery of what ever the fuck comes next
umm no...

yoshimi beats erik up

about bloody time

let me take you down to goatberry mound and the lamb and flag

sure we did
going for a pootle
driving thru
without the necessary permits
cant be arsed with them
crusing on down by the seaside
ahh the parm trees
strangely out of place
look
a mound
no, no, no
thats not it
thats a mound
not the mound
just up here
in an inconvenient place
yep, thats the puppy
quite a mound that one
good for all kinds of things
first discovered by a browsing bob
someones legs nearly fell off
that was a bad thing apparently
righty dokey
got that out of the system
then heading for the other landmark
the lamb and flag
it has been a long time
not necessarily a good time
if only that hairy bloke was wandering the streets
sigh
drag up a couch
not much has changed
a bit less of that
a bit more of this
then a bit of sooooonshine
with beervis in it
very plej
careful he might hear you
tell a tale of a pale snail
and whoppstopp
it shows
and for my next trick
i will conjure a floating marshmallow pit

the vestal virgil festivus

twas a dark and stormy night
not really
it was quite pleasant actually
if only a tad nipply
and most conveniently located
just up the road
in a luvverly setting
in the domain of the king
didnt see him gadding about tho
itd seem that hes not that fussed about it
there were some stars
there were some stelle
and some whiffy bastards
the city lights looked pretty damn good too
i'm running out of paint
there were lots of people
bungsnaps and portfolio carriers
probably a lot of greats
chirondel, henri mateus ecc
didnt see any flamin
did see a fartknocker
in a line
it was quite fortuitous timing really
if there can be such a thing when it comes to fartknockers
just finished saying how much of a twat it was
apparently phoenix were good
and new york dolls were something
all that practice for nowt
then the lights went down
and everything got purple
and on came a jumping jarvis flash
he rocked the place
throwing his skinnny arse hither and thither
doing press ups
chatting away about funny thangs
getting up on boxes
he didnt touch the garages tho
no pulp songs showed up
but that wasnt the end
and he did have a point about cunts still running the world
what a man
a lull followed
and great expectations threatened a diss-a-pointment
clathes everywhere...
surely the pixies would be a sad parody of their former greatness
they couldnt possibly still be that cool
but they rocked
they rolled
they were fab
they played an amazing set
interrupted only by bleach balls
it was truly spectacular
giving the kind of drug free buzz
that only mind blowing good shows can
what a great bday present
thanx maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

for the love of it

no, thats not it

The messer - a tribute album

33 today
33 today
not yesterday
or tomorrow
but
33 today
the proud proprietor of the cheekiest smile, the most troubliest of trousers and a light that draws us in like moths to the flame.
sadly i missed the first 20 something years. I bet they would have been a good laugh.
but the more than decade has been a blast...
giggles and groans in
Swansea escaping embraces
Bath with a bevvy of your babes
Edinburgh enduring Madonna
Bristol because it were there
Birmingham having a lock-in
Salisbury smiling inanely on iron age mounds
Huanchaco speaking in tongues
Praknam Pran with bitten bottom
San Sebastian with streamers on
the Dordogne on late night crumble fests
and possibly more...
Much love and thinking of you in the nicest possible ways

when is a goldfish not a goldfish?

when its a redfish

coupe de la ligue

Lyon turning the screw
Fred
Govou
it was a terrific volley wasnt it?
who really has had a wonderful start
offsides one apiece
could well have deceived ramik
their job was to run in
govou just acknowledging
a tighter formation
tried to add a little bit of creative flair
designed to inspire
wendall
3 white shirts with him
precious little to do
its a game for artists
says the referee
juninho
fred
really terrific last line of defence
producers giving us
lovely long legs
2 minutes of being knocked out
underemployed so far
here comes wendall
four in the box
i thought it was a bit of a check
a little bit disjointed at times
various parisien styles
on the counter
once again the same type of ploy
little bit of a sly hand going out
aww thats clever
this is fred
make himself available
bit of a chop
a number of permeatations at the back
just past the hour
hes been calm all eveing
they deserve to go
not too far for the lens contingent
sometimes its unnecessary
if he does any more of that hes off
as a coach here
if you get an injury now, youre snookered
something of a rarity tonight
theyve had clean sheets
since the age of six
is anybody going to bother crossing to me tonight?
good little take over the swede from the czech
by the same token
2 heavyweight boxers jabbing inside the ring
since his movement to the birmingham area
debatable decision
to get over the top of micoud
tiago on the post
the goalkeeper came
and the goalkeeper didnt get there
what a time to score
there he comes
its their day perhaps
what a time to score
it was just over a year ago
he is potentially the hero
they have one minute to survive
malouda again
thats it!
absolutely blown out of the water
what a dramatic finish
all season long
an unlikely hero
theres the president
he stopped the flow
bordeaux are bathed in gold

a whirlpool of SBF

According to SBF, of all Nick Caves works is the best?
What was SBF's favourite soap/drama of the 1980's?
What is the stone roses greatest song according to SBF?
Where did SBF take Nicholas Parson for dinner?
If SBF wanted to go 'right out', where would he go?
What is SBF's favourite time of day?
What was SBF's favourite insult to hurl at nerds in high school?
Which county is SBF's favourite in all of Engerland?
How does SBF paint his statues?
How did SBF feel before the start of the state championships 400m final?
Whilst in Germany, what were SBF's favourite two cities?
What type of bitch is SBF's favourite?
Why does SBF love the ghiro so much?

F.A.B

boneless
fab
gnarli
bulk rad
bitchin
gnarlin
stalin
bulk ace
way rad
gnarli rad
faceplant
tail grab
railsnail
rail slide
nose plant
superbulkgnarlirad
fakey
drop in
bunny hoppy
ollie
lunch drop
biiiiiiiirrrrrrrdman
fakey
tony hawk
kilgor the thunderstick
silverton executive deluxe
daffy
mogul
cut back
tea cosy
glenn plake
daisy
ski boots
handplant
kr kr krrrr
airborne
can't do nuthin for you man....

i'm going off to write some poetry

here i go
and really off now
no more messing about
i know i have threatened it before
but this time
its the biz
no more pussyfooting
no more pencil tapping
no more PROcrastination
the poetry is beckoning
its 'calling my name'
so im off then am I?
thanks for the lift
thanks for the beer
thanks for the repetition
oops
got sidetracked then
i was just pointing out how i was going off to write some poetry
not like the other times at all
not even in the same bloody hemisphere
wish i wasnt
as what?
internal dialogue is probably not best placed
anyway
dunque
quindi
communque
allora
poi
that'd be stalling then
ive got one foot on the dooooorstep
fucking hurts
some bastard shouldnt have closed the dooooooor
could be a good po tapioca mind
im going off to write a po of po
nothing to do with great big fuck off rivers
not ones that cross an entire country
indubitably none that start in enormous alpi
that define an industrial heartland
or that would make a daft border
for a pretend country
that some twats want to invent
despite the fact that it would be cutting off so many good bits
not terrone at all
and that there are a zillion other more valid claims of statehood in the area
a couple of republics that lasted nearly a millenia
lega dei fucking stronzi
as i finally take my leave
to go off to write some poetry
instead of farnarkeling
and fucking about
or showing anybody else how to do it
it should be noted in the po of po about the po
that an english bloke and some other bloke
took a little boat and went from top to bottom
or from west to east
dublin cool
there you go
grandiose enuff for you?
i'm going off to write some poetry...

i had a dream...

i was asleep at the time

rob?

rob?
rob?
rob?
rooooooooooob?
robbbb?
rob?
rob?
rob?
rob?
rob?
robbage?
robbo?
robster?
robmeister?
robbers dog?
bob?
bob a job?
vegas?
degas?
vagueless?
robo?
rob-bo?
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrob?
roberto?
robredo?
robweiller?
robrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobloodyrob?
hearthrob?
rob peter to pay mary?
roberrrrrrrrrrrrr(t)?
robespierre?
robs spear?
rob-you-like?
i-cant-believe-its-not-rob?
highway robbery?
robson greene?
robson jerome?
rob-me-nots?
robbie?
guardaroba?
wardrobe?
no probs?
no robs?
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ROB!

we've come to wish you an unhappy birthday

birthdays are grate
they are a big opportunity to be self indulgent
and get drunk and be as silly as possible in public places
you get presents and cards
and people are generally nice to you
except arseholes you arent ever nice
and of course there are those tossers who are 2 faced twats
who are nice to you and are really just self obsessed fuckers
i chose life
i chose wife
i chose knife
wasnt going to do nowt
but ended up going to the moofies
saw a goode fillum
larfed, larfed, larfed
then larfed a bit more
kwality innit?
then off the the Jorge
on a lovely warm evening
and had a big fat pint of...
water
yep, water all the way
kind of takes the thrill out of going to the pub
man that beer looked good
it smelled good too
i could have had a right carry on
carrying on
and that was that
BFW

frothing frightfully frothily

the door opens
a blur storms in
not alex, graeeeme, damon or the other one, trevor?
quick
panic
jump up
fall down
drop everything
pick up slacks
all phone calls have become superfluous
but that beavis away
what have i done?
what hasnt he done?
what might they do?
the bottom boggles
ive only got 12 minutes
until the big meltdown
does my hair look big in this
help me adjust my arse
ive done something mad
everything has gone mandarin shaped
i met a bus
the bus said maybe
i threw the bus
douse the place
kill all the insect life
especially the ones that bite under chins
drown the expressed horizontality
gas the masses
unveil the mail
quaff the toff
rant
rave
then maybe throw in a little carry on
open the grudge
ah sod this
the architects are making it too difficult

what may be called barsly and what may not

what may;
stupid birds on telly
barlsy
chocolate rabbits
stupid dogs on telly
random animals
connor moo
brindle staffies
any type of staffy
any dog
most cats
wombats
badgers
the occasional horse
the ones that arent barking mad english people
hippopotamususussusususu
beavis
kiss him now
bog off rsvp
the entirety of staffordshire
no plants, bog off
quality works of art
various deities
good looking football mascots
marty willson piper both old and new


what may not;
german racial superiority
pool tables
ladyboys
peter koppes
fridges
footpaths
long walks on the beach
turnips
earings
railroad tracks
skinned chicken
chicken with skin
computers
turds
feather boas
birds that dont talk to me
anal holidays
bananas
termites
rats
peoples butts
almond slivers


cardinal rule, if in doubt DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

punting miss hazy

lets watch that thing
you know the one
the one with those guys in it
its four of them
they drive around
you DO know the one
it starts with L
no
its not barsly
oh look
an engineer
with big teeth
oh look
he looks like fat travis
at least from the nose down
the most attractive particles
stop tormenting me
you know that you know that you know it
you just dont want to say it
quick
hide the screams
you never know
if you never went
four trees in court?
fourplays outside?
bobby met robbie bowled knobbie?
marty met marty and they both ruled
not the old one mind
its the new one
or the young one
which is the same as the old one
the new one is the old one
the old one is the young one
once in every lifetime.....
there comes a bus like this
oh i need something
you need something
oh my something
i cant be something
or rather
shes gone

very big insects

there has been an outbreak of very big insects around these parts
not sure where they came from
they sure are noisy though
there must be a dozen different types of em
buzzing
roaring
whining
droning
howling
and making whatever other noises insects make
some are of the flying variety
quite a few actually
they are really noisy bastards
buzzing away
and sometimes making huge whooshing booming sounds
tis a good thing im not scared of insects
then there is the almost constant whining of the earth bound ones
they seem to be higher pitched
and in abundant varieties
it's almost as if they are performing some kind of ritual out there...
they gradually get louder
then fade away
only to come back louder than ever
i must investigate these goings on
with my long socks and sandals
safari suit
howard carter hat
stupid facial hair
and the mother of all butterfly nets
particularly strange buggers
im sure you will agree...

Arsed too

not at this exact moment,
but i feel the moose is loose in the hoose

Arsed?

no neither can I...

lo schifo che faccio

ci sono tanti...e si
un mondo di schifo in cui riesco ad immergermi...
questo schifo riguarda la grammatica e la lingua italiana
sono capace di fare un schifo tremendo con questa cosa
fammi vedere un po
con ogni tipo di frase
con le domande
con gli imperativi
con le frase semplici
con il conguintivo
con il passato, in tanti, ma tanti frasi
con il futuro... idem
anche con il presente
in ogni angolo della lingua
io ci saro per fare schifo
e non e' che devo sforzarmi
probabilmente c'e li ho fatti una dozzina finora in questo blog
e ora
presentando
il campione dello schifo
nel angolo buio
con il volto buio
....

the slacking song

slacking slackly slackage slack slackers slacken slacks slacked slackdom
the limes soaked
the goat got poked
they all went to Nirvana in a little moat boat called Mantchet
(after having duly paid Charon, naturally)
slack slack

the mookskeeper

Give me a head of hair, long beautiful hair....
Shinin', gleamin', steamin flax n' waxin',

What constitutes a great haircut?
When you aren't crying at the end of it?
When your hair isn't green?
Blue?
Purple?
The Jennifer Aniston DO?
Hollywood's a bitch...

What about the idea of.......happiness?
Happy with your lebanese macho boy do?
Black roots with blonde tips...
Crafed into a stunning masterpiece of a mohawk?

Shave your head, feed the world!
Why do all Africans have shaved heads? Or cornrolls?
To combat flies? Ticks?
Or for fashion?

Why do dykes cut their hair like boys?
Aren't women attracted to other women with long hair?

Why won't Travis shave his head? Is it vanity?
Or Insanity?
When the clippers are charged and ready to go...
He won't take the dive into skinheadism.....

Oh why oh why is life such a dilemma about one's hair?

warning;goats may bite your clothes

but they never did
at least i got the foto tho
it may have been wiser to have a warning about the deer
the deers my be presumptuous gits
could at least have hinted at it
go over that bloke
and buy some of those funny round cracker things
like the pidgies rat thangs at trafalgar square
not to be confused with trafalgar place
thatd be a far substantially different thing
get your cracker things here
look at the luvverly bambi babies
protected by lore and law
not like humans that werent part of that master race
sidle over
make your own difference
proffer your hands
as if making an offer to some god or other
for trevors saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
they are all cute and wuddly
sure
keeps your palm flat
like with horses or goat like beaver machines
the ones that may bite your clothes
thats the ticket
in the sun
amongst the trees
but in the shadow of a magnificent tower
that would be kulcha then
here, sweet doe eyed doe
try some of this
arrghghhghghghgh
settle downvis
who is that in my pock-it?
have i fallen off a bus into harare?
umm no
gnash and gnarl (i rad)
eat
munch
nibble
gnaw
skull
ooottay there!
stop it
stop it
stop it
sure
get stuck into those shorts
not like i needed them anyway
arms
below the elbow they are just wasting away anyway
legs ?
nooo didnt want them
who needs to ambulate these days?
go on
get stuck in
an arse?
superfluous...
funk dat
whats needed here is a big fancy venison steak
or
ooooh let me see
a couple of hundred
blessed beasts
protected by that lore thing
lets skulk off then

i present thyself

oh just fuck off
i will present myself
once and again
a buffoon for a buffoons sake
yes
judge fucking me
like all the arseholes before
small minded fucks
choose your fucking continent
you
the twat with the professorship
you with the put upon look
fuck you
right in the ear
dr fucking ignoramus
at the end of the tram line
your immodesty will burn your arse in hell
look
its me again
smile before you perish
your profession gives a licence
to get fuckin fucked
oops
it fell on down there
the next contender will be
fuck off
mr fucking twat
small fucking mind
no
thats okay
you have position of power
just wait for an axe
fuck you
you ponder
and i will judge
many pieces of small shit
how many turds do you need to need
to be build a shitecastle

62 second dub

not as if pressure would ever come to beeeear
that wouldnt do
one sits where one does
one could never judge
its best not that way
one might converse with somebody elses fool
lest they belong to another being
thank fook for that
heres to all the dead ({)}s
imagine
just for a river that runs through the city of your olimpiadi
how much good that wil bring
a slip of the twixt
funk dat
engage with a person
not a bracket
what difference would it make?
is it passive of better?
ecko gecko
the smile gas
bring me some more of that pleeeease
the thread my have passed you by
me too.
dont open your hart
it would sound untrue
frank and sense
keith and kevin streets
a suburb with an uncertain future
why not let me sit in judgement?
lest not a fool make a small decision
best not to die before you sleep
no beast shall wake the righteous
find your messiah?
more fucking fool fucking you

waitrose and why its grate

i love waitrose
it is great
they have so much good stuff
sure
its a little pricey
but man o man o man
they have all that great stuff
you simply cannot just enter into waitrose for a packet of crisps
and expect to exit intact
you will purchase 15 extra great things
you will not be able to help yourself
oh yes,
you shall think
i really did need that goats-duck pate
beluga caviar?
how on earth was i going to survive without that!!!?
a mixed platter of prosciutto crudo, salami, bresaola ecc ecc
i surely would have caught a disease without that
olives recently removed from a virgin sloths bunghole....
what on earth was i not thinking?!
alpaca cheese, made only from alpacas between the ages of 3 and 3.2 years
that live above the snowline on mt licancabur
foie gras
piffle and poppycock
foie mega grasso
geese force fed foie gras
from geese force fed goie gras
wine from phoenecian amphoras
sat 2,000 years on the mediterranean floor
a roasted peacock or maybe a cheeky second
basted with yeti blood
the last dodo
frozen in the last great age of ice
with pterydactl ribs

and thats just in the first aisle...
all hail the great Waitrose

its already domani mattina

and nobodys sober

i just cant get you out of my swede

thats it carmen
you got stuck in there
my swede is action packed
you keep bouncing about
fighting off gothenburg airport
all woody and such
he doesnt mind, mind
did i mention he was a little green guy
from interspace ?
why would I ?
anyway
big thanks carmen
as for once i can hear an italian songster
not making me wanna evacuate stomach
abusing the hybrid tongue
while I'm at it...
wotcha doin thursday?
there's a cracking gig on in town
with free somethings or others
i reckon you would dig it
youre a lady
a beatiful italian one at that
and you rock
well you jah wobble anyway
and im a beaver of the limer variety
sound good?
thanks for filling my swede
and kicking that daft singing budgie away
she really can fuck off

and a fresher perspective

Well ass wipes!

No I never heard of a limebeaver, however I shall try to inform those of you who are interested in what this is...

A limebeaver could be a vagina with green pubes... or an American football star with a green guernsey on his back. Or perhaps a new cocktail with hairy ice...No even I am not sure what the fuck that is! Hairy ice....Hmmm, yummy...

Nevertheless, as I am writing this blog with the barrel of a gun to my head, I am scared that without thoughts being typed, me brains will be blown out.

Please Sir, don't kill me! I promise to eat all my greens, I promise I won't tell anyone that I saw your face! Pleeeeaase don't shoo.....

BOOM.

Goodnight bitch.

un lamento per Romano

ohh caro Romano
its just not right
i am sure you had the soundest of intentions
i am sure you actually tried to set some things right
it must have been near to impossible
for a state that is in almost permanent crisis
not to mention the mother of all fuck ups that your predecessor made
fuck ups borne out of egotism, corruption, vanity and arrogance
not to mention blind stupidy and incompetence
where did one hope to begin Romano?
with all the warring factions
each one wanting their own most powerful seat at the table
the ex communists, the christian democrats, the ulive, the every man and his dog party
none with a sense of humour
each desperately grasping for a little bit more
perhaps it was destined to fail
but nobody else could have carried them as far as you did
oh Romano
you held their hands
shut their mouths
and funnelled them through
you managed to win an election against all odds
in the most undemocratic nation in the advanced world
facing almost blanket negative media coverage
poisoned by the most poisonous man in your nation
deceving, lying, slandering, fudging all in the name of a criminal
as president you managed to give dignity to a nation infamously without dignity
whilst the prime minister made a mockery of your people
brought its standing to a new low
and that really took something
he made a fool of himself
in front of the world
and by doing so belittled your nation
but your quiet dignity maintained some grace in this shocking state
then you took on the impossible
and for a while you pulled it off
please dont go
dont leave is with d'alema and rutelli et al
what hope have they where you failed?
you must return until media legislation is toughened
the cafone will always squirm away
from the courts
from justice
from freedom of the press
from any responsibility
but with tougher media laws at least some semblance of democracy could be claimed
and future elections could be fairer
and that horrid little criminal viper could yet be help accountable
please dont go
ti ringrazio per i tuoi sforzi e, che non siano invano

dont you fall

you might not get up again...

the clap trap

oh great
and its off again
the clap trap
not the von trapp clap
thats a completely different load of bollocks
its the clap trap
some days its a one-off
just a few claps
to a goddam horrible smurf song
or to perhaps rev up the horrid little rat doggie
wagaggaaaaa waggaaggaaaa
scklonk scklonk
fund dat
and then its off with an effeminate whnannanaan
oh great
other days it lasts tens of minutes
and it happens repeatedly all day
burts of the clap
in time
and then out of time
he's have the time of his life
i'll have what hes having
clap clap clap
rat rat rat
whnananan whananananna
accompany me with shite
kylie somebody, madonna somehow
clever trevor and the skirst
tina fucking turnoff, fleetfood smak
all the usual shower of shite
why is there no booming of the box?
could it not be recorded and minxed?
then punters from all around would not need to sit by their windows
they could have it on tap
tapped into their dreams
and into their cordal spines
i for one
would mix it into a song by the church
who knows what it could do on jazzy reptile?
with a decent tune it could top the pops
what have i
what have i
what have i done to deserve this...

bizarre luff triangle

strange days indeed ol wonky nose
there has come to light a tale of sickening clarity
the densities of many painters are in limbage
firstly a man that has been known in public circles for many a year
he shall be referred to as 'camel'
and this is his sordid story
he will fall madly in luff with another painter
that shall be known as 'travis'
(names have been changed to protect the maggoty)
now, this 'camel' will become enamoured with this 'travis'
and they will between them
produce a lovechild
of hideous aspect
diminutive in stature
stupid in hair
over enthusiastic in genital waving
and shouty by nature
a monster of the likes hasnt been seen on this planet
making the elephant man look more like pornstar man
this unholy unison shall produce a son
a true spawn of the devils
this annointed child shall be named 'travel'
and its evil shall be felt the world over
then, in a twist of the most insipid kind
their love shall shrivel like a shrinkage affected thing
and 'camel' shall flee the love nest with his youngling, 'travel'
they shall run night and day to avoid the wrath of 'travis'
and they shall find succour in the arms of a beast most hideous
more deformed than 'travel' even
this new union of evil will be formed with a spotted wilderbeest of the undead
that we shall refer to as 'gavun ferrier'
so 'camel' and 'gavun ferrier' passed some torrid nights together
before disgracing off into a cave or something
and soon a new and even more gruesome being was brought into this unsuspecting world
under a rock a seed flourished
uglier than thou, sow or any old how
it was labelled 'gavel'
half brother to the bastard 'travel'
round and spotted like the moon
desperately smelly
more a receptacle than a human
but the flight was not over
in a desperate ploy to throw the monstrous 'travis' off
'camel' packed his disgusting entourage
and took to the hills once again
taking with him 'travel travel' and 'travel gavel'
the pursuit was relentless
the only remaining hope would be to change their names
so it was
that 'Travagenas' and 'Gavagenas' came to terrify an innocent populace

Blokes I'd like you shag.....

there you go

its only a small leap to the place
the lightweights will claim otherwise
the big bad roundabout spelt it all out
sit right down and wait for it all to span out
you could be in the ground floor
lets all just sit down and hear of the opportunities
but its raining outside
not that this makes a small difference
blah did this
blah did that
blah sold his mothers goat to the highest bidder
you know what they say about therrrrrrrrrrrrr
how much disgust can one swallow?
the trees disguise a lot
but not the wail of the ambulances
oi were here when that happened
as if that makes a big bad difference
dont want to make a bad impression
manpower was just an agency
dance for me?
i will use you
you can have a bite of me
its all in the name of professionalismo
susan
oh susan
all your good deeds ran that away
dim smuggy
a4 tells it all
you could be here
or very very there
lets break for a breath of fresh air
whatever happens next
luckily its a small planet
may as well be that man in the kingsway
spruiking the bad smell
so the rain fell
smiles rained down
conquests imaged and small spaces left alone
somebody drew a blank
sure it were a good thang
but the stench didnt change
one can change their latin socks
sit back and dont enjoy the ride

N.C.Y.S.T East Ringwood

A big, deep and breathy voice, some crappo graphics, a gang of stereotyped team members and as many shit moustaches as you like won't help solve these mysteries...
Who did draw that big nose of Willy Koder on the fort?
What was so fun about shouting from on top of the chemists?
What do the juvenile deliquents do in Wombolano Park?
Where would Nigel have gotten his napalm?
Was the booze nicked from outside the Eastwood hall noticed?
What the fuck was the deal with those Frickie sisters?
Why did Simon Jones walk like that?
Did Beavis Junior really snog the entire high school?
Exactly how much of a twat was A Twist?
Did Nugget really speak back?
How long is one and 3/4 hours in East Ringwood?
Did Rosie Peppers really eat the same snack for a week?
Did a cyclone strike Bondi St one night in the 1990's?
How did the oval feel about being stabbed?
Was it tougher to walk on the streets?
Was the champagne better after the bubbles were removed?
How did that girl become so symetrically ugly with her shoes?
At what point in time was Nige scariest?
What really made Beavis' hair do that?
Had anybody ever been scared of a Dungfelder?

did you hear the one about the rat with 14 heads and no anus?

a lady
not just any lady
decides its time to make her mark
with a classy selection of tunes
she toils over a hot keyboard
laughing all the while
while what?
while she scanned and selected
there was plenty of oh my god
plenty of where is that
plenty of alkiholikal beverages
like a baby goat in a shop of sweet things
one of these
ooo ooo a couple of these
whats going on here?
one of those
three of these
DISTRACTION
one of these
oooh i like that one
a couple of those wouldnt go astray
lets bung in a loose one of those
a sprinkle of that should spice things up
DISTRACTION
how much portfolio have i got left?
one of these wouldnt go astray
and a cheeky two over there
you
yes you,
that track skulking in the corner
get in there!
a few more of that
now, lets give it a trial run
...
ahhh superb!
tis enuff to make you wanna shake your holy arse
now the finishing off of
a generous helping of all of those
and one
just one of that
DISTRACTION
okey dokey matey blokey
lets give it a crack
thatll show that big haired freak guy who he is
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nowt
off into the spheres
never, never to come back
....
approximately 0.00 seconds of groovin
nowhere to be seen or heard
ever, ever again
...

il ratto, it lived only 4 seconds...

knowing E, knowing Ewe

ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
side part
snappy blazer
with blazer badge
alongside the tie forming part of,
the stylish tie and blazer badge combination set...
Sports Casual!

l'homme du sport;
ice white shoes
ice white socks with navy blue double cadet stripe
a pair of shorts
t- shirt with chevron action flash
tossed pink sweater

cruiser arriviste;
canary yellow shirt
sports casual
horizon blue stay creased action slacks
cap
polariods
tan string back driving gloves

imperial leisure;
green blazer
cravatte
hat
summer spectacles
for a touch of class an Alan Partridge blazer badge

strolling pastel;
classic summer suit with the ommission of long trousers

hooray for malta day

for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake

for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake is a man
he lived on a hill
well, not really
he did live
but not on a hill
he loved fishing
he was forever hopping on his bike
well, not his bike
it was the bike of his ex boss
then it was the death ship
otherwise known as the masturbike
finally, he went off to the second hand shop
and found one
that WAS NOT a girls bike
he always was on the look out for a little pump
he sits on the piiiiiiiiiiiiiya
apparently catching things
or not really, depending on your point of view
he would puff on his chuff
and whittle away at his english book
he lives with a lady of the most spectacular smile
and a very big voice when roused
they put on quite the show
glad it wasnae me in the hot pot shot
he had a job as a painnnnnnnnnnta
but got shot of that to be a pizzaiolo
with too much time with nowt to do
but watch films, films and piu films!
it then become the hour of the pizzaiolo
but alas!
the scumbags changed the rules
changed the job
changed the location
changed the hours
bastardi!
the crazy neighbour did hate him with a passion
she did bang on the wall
and carry on and lament
for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake didnae care too much
he sent her to go and do in a culo
until one day
she came to tantrum on his door
and he cried
for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!

little fluffy clouds

it's a larf, innit?
that noise you make at the back of your throat when you hear something funny
it's a rush innit?
when somebody says something that burns your brain
just sitting about
tanto per cambiare
get an email
that'll put a smile on your face
sometimes there are thrills aplenty
it can take so little
to turn shitsville
into smileylandia
welcomed into somebodies confidence
a frank admission of personal doubt
a gift of the open heart
a sharing of dolcezza
made my damn day
handed out a dollop of happiness
the most generous of gifts
a friend that you can't really know
a stranger that you are very familiar with
static moments
pinched from time
11.32 pm saturday 12 2005
boris, arcutage and diana marina
it had a been a crazy night
some geezer in a dress
waving his arms about like a muppet
wonder what he was thinking...
probably something brush-like
the air may have smelled a little
ingested what?

crimes of a hottie

chapps, chapps....... woooooooooooooooahhhhhhhhh chapps!
loitering with stupid hair
loitering with intent to have stupid hair
loitering with the same stupid hair as pete
loitering in St Kilda with stupid hair
showing off of navel
not loitering in fitzroy st with navel on display
naval gazing
having more veins than most people
causing a public disturbance in the gay bar of the POW
causing a public distrubance in the gay bar of the POW with stupid hair on
not performing enough backflips
attempting to seduce rafts of young arab males
public display of naval in the presence of females
causing thronging and longing in the throne room
looking and being generally quite whiffy
attempted decision making
excessive standing around
exposing of wares on street corners
denial of exposing of wares on street corners
meeting tony B and George B in a gay bar

dream dream dream.....

some cliffs
a winding path
a familiar city
flying over the coast
a series of alleys
towers and houses
san remo?
something more along the lines of the goat ocean rd
small inlets
dramatic soaring coast
meet you there?
dont think so

another night
another land
scandinavia or the like
a friendly german family
2 kids and 2 parents
funny combination
some kind of restaurant/bar affair
Bernie was there
thanks for dropping by
we had to be off
many invites to stay on
much wanting to
but a flight was booked
back to ...... ?!

funny how they run into one another
snatches of old dreams appear unrequested
old dreams of snatches ?

no no no

not really

day on the green, night on the hill

it all started off so pleasantly
feeling kinda dopey
some clever person came up with the idea we should stay nearby
genius!
coming the other way
taking the write of way
bokko suckers
follow the follower
all the way past the entrance
turn that behind around
like everybody else
and go to the parking in the fielding
caught like a fish in a net
corralled like big bad dead oxen
to the place where hatted bastards hang out at
everythings okay...
proceed to then pen
reptilian sounds surround us
a good sign for all
find a good poz
amongst the early slurry hunters
find another and go hilling
clearly superior in every way
settle down beavis
what next?
hmm lets see... how about some wine!
clouds move in
a tinkle of sprinkle
big hopes it doesnt feel itself a fixture
Steve will provide
getting comfy enjoying the vibe
josh pyke did his thing
might've been fab
for all anybody noticed
who was that marty man chatting away to me?
and that mega classy figa underarm?
then it was sneaky offy off time
police that way
no good
car park that way
good good
greatest band in the universe come on
and were decidedly the greatest band in the universe
more sneaky offies
more wine
the bard of boronia did his thing
the crowd were in raptures
something about the end of the world i think
more sneaky offies
more wine
let the hollering commence!
them there headliners do their things
very classy
more shouting
declarations of love
standing up, falling into chairs
hard to catch some lunatic bits
before too long....
lights on, people packing up
tricky short cut could have proved disastrous
instead it proved genius
except the hill fell over itself
much to muches muchness merriment
wheres the wotsit?
wots it doing there?
thank all divinities for the dromedary
all that ends in a well
ends up wet
or sitting outside
surrounded my forest and its lovely noises

cyclone salamander extravaganza

some kind of sub tropical storm blew thru town
it uprooted pubs , dignity and common sense
innocent bystanders watch with a mixture of amazement and delight
as the tempest went from loud but docile to downright maniacal
a long drought was broken
snapped off in fact
people hustled for protection
and cars were blown down the grey st kilda streets
alarms and buzzers went off at ungodly hours
a man was seen with his wellies on
it was sure to be a brief storm
the far edge could be seen even from near
body art was flung about the shop
and settled by the by
a few minor gales rippled the calm AFTER the storm
i shall huff and puff and blow your house down

can a storm have good intentions?

No, wait, what's that other word... ?

tedious

a fort ran through it

a dog ran past it
a muppet gazed at it
a shez parked nearby it
some sport boffins thwacked over yonder hill, it
some kids screeched all so close to it
you can bet a lot of lunch was passed all over it
some mums chided them unawares of it
some snot nose bastards didnt care about it
a bung holed right through it
chip, chook and other daftly named beings weekly bypassed it
a big nose was drawn on it
bogans did shelter in it
small time illegal things were done around it
some piggies did park right adjacent, like, to it
a small haired git lived by it
a tash flourished despite of it
an exceedingly stupid boy hyperventilated around a corner from it
an enormous tosspot took off his top way too showily in front of it
plenty of imbecile girls did brush past it
one snogged most of a secondary college under it
many believed themselves big and clever in its shadow, it
a big haired git lived by it
most likely some joggers went round and round and round it
cut down on your porklife, get some exercise, it
a legend carred off it
a slide descended it
a fire burned on it
a generation of turds took for granted .... it
a whole bunch of kiddlings were forced marched within view of it
fucking twats
a stream of bollocks has been sprayed about it
i doubt anybody really gives a fuck about it

faster camelcat mill! mill!

taste this
quite prolonged sunshine on the spotted mind
one winery
some dodgy maltese bloke
possibly not from malta
unlike some....
swill and swig
carry and on
wheres the lavatory got to?
she'll take several
one vineyard
some pointy old bint
blah blah blah blah and bollocks
sell sell sell
arent we clever with our knowing how to say gewurztraminer?
what is this, fucking insert branded american shop here
no and bog off
one place that makes wine
sure, why not?
what?
where?
whats going on here?
sun shines
a bit of hill
a bit of water
nice lady with cute story of wine nameage
for each of the grankiddles they named a bottle
there was the boris 2002 cab sav
the beatmeupvis 2004 sav blanc
the doris 2004 merlot
the arsemaster 2006 shiraz
the nigefest 2006 pinot gris
and last but not least
the fuckshitarsebollocksbreathbigfatfuckmrrichardsmokercouldntgivelessofatoss 2003 chardonnay
lovely drop that
she took several
an unholy straight road
to mt splashmore place where grapes are grown at
over and over and over again like hot chips
in a madcap adventure for all the family
merriment and mirth abounded alongside the machine
but it were closed
sod off

this is a stupid blog, a blog with which you bore

this is a stupid blog
this blog is fucking stupid
it is stupider than sean cary, mark watkins,that chick with the stupid shoes, the stick insect, dumber than elise come cartman and BEAVIS and anybody who every dug creed or anything of that whole big bag of crap...
stupid, stupid, stupid... a bit like a great black grape album.
which in fact, was not stupid, it was great.
figure that out!

It's embarrassing, because he was standing right there......

Bloody hell!

I hate it when I touch park and the owner of the car I touch appears as I touch it
Especially when he is a guy that lives in my block of flats
A neighbour!
That's really embarrassing.

And also when people happen to glance at you when you're picking your nose
Why must they do that?
Why is it even offensive?
Why is touching one part of your nose fine, and another SO offensive??
For God's sake!!!!!!

Also, why is it that when I watch Collingwood they always lose?
I have gotten to the point now where I think it's better just not to watch
Which is fucking annoying because I like football
Which is the whole point....
Why on this earth would you grow up barracking for a team that played for a sport you didn't want to watch?
Fucking hell - why can't Collingwood just win?
Why do they wait until I'm not looking?

OK, that's it.
I'm exhausted......

harvfestivus

australia is in the grip of the worst ever drought since last week
blah blah blah
at the meredith festival dust was served up on particles
it's all rather terrible
even fucking horrid little worm man has had to admit
fuck him
amidst all this devastation
arrives the harvest festival at red hill on the mornington peninsula
near the bleach
both kinds of bleach for that matter
near a sterling view
which somebody called murray named after a bit of edinburgh
a big posh glorious house with magazines
full o delightful munch
a marvellous selection of whines and beeyas
wouldnt be a lovely day to say its a lovely day?
a killer line-up
loadsa australian legends doing their thangs
Ron, Kim, Ed, black cab and sand pebbles
and the greatest of them all...
groovy, almost reasonable priced food
local beer from the local area
local wines from the local paper shop
very few yobs and stupid drunken kids trying to be big and clever
sounds superb innit?
but no...
big bad drought bogs off
and leaves punters in the rain
rain, more rain and them some rain
pisses down, hammers down
fear not, say the weather dudettes
it shall clear in the afternoon
but fucking no...
it shits it down, buckets down
clever organisers put up marquee
and move mobs into a shed
not quite the same, im sure you will agree
too little clothes
too bloody cold
hiding in a small black beast
break out for the ed
ed rocks and rocks
and then makes sure that everybody knows he agrees
then tech probs
and cranky folks
greatest band ever
play greatly
but the plebs are outta time
gotta rush home to shag the bunnies
tuck in the tickets
they were pretty damn great tho
the remaining hardcore stars
chant carry on chant and carry on
is the love felt?
i suspect so...
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
sorry about the big haired git
no, not that one

befanarama

have you been naughty or nice?
theres an old lady out there who knows it all
she doesnt have a beard
not much anyway
just a couple of grey warty ones
not much to report
but the bleach doesn't work
they just make it worse
and i know i'll blanche before ye
she sees what you do aside the sheltering storm
she smells the feet you dont wash
she is the wise woman
demonised by the christo-fascists
she wont eat your kiddies
or finger your entrails jerzei
shes just a sage
nothing to fear
she may know some tricky eye of goat cures for your runny botticelly
she could live in a hut
with strange 'erbs and animals hanging from the rafters
she runs with wolves
trots with gnomes
shimmies with stoats
leaps and bounds with paul k
she floats about on her cloud of wrath
and on the 6th of january
(regardless of time zones)
she WILL give you coal if you are bad!

always fade out with a montage

even rocky had a montage

e adesso?

e adesso
che faccio?
i matti rispondono tutti
il caldo picchia
l'inevitabile e' in arrivo
l'esperienze seguono
un tantum non c'e nemmeno
le speranze inutili
il corridoio e' vuoto
il vocabulo stenta
l'episodio prossimo non mi riguarda
la chiusura del portone
che faccio?
vado alla collina rossa
in una casa enorme
con le panorama straordinarie
la baia di la'
l'oceano di li'
un vecchio si spoglia
ma, per carita!
i baffi ci saranno
faranno una bbq
uno zio qualsiasi
coniato bob, roger o ernesto
infondo non e' una giornata bellissima per una passeggiata ?
i prati sono sempre confortevoli
fanno bene all' anima
l'aria buona
l'idiono (che cazzo?)
l'idiota invece non ci sara
chissa' dove' si trovera'
il pupazzo deve restare a casa
per forza
---------*----
la mia tastiera ogni tanto scrive da sola
e adesso?
le repetizioni, sono utili o meno?

genghis khans motorbike

genghis khan was getting sick of his old birdie
he just sat there looking mopey
occasionally a brightly coloured feather would fall off
genghis suspected that this wasnt supposed to happen
all the other guys birdies had a killer glint in their eyes
they sharpened their own tallons on razor blades
and were either sheer black or nasty fuck-off brown
and they were a LOT bigger than his
genghis feared that the others were laughing behind his back
luckily he was the scariest mo fo in the area
nobody would dare mock him openly
but still, it didnt feel great
sometimes he wondered if he was over compensating
burning, pillaging, raping, plundering and wearing tight black trousers
those innocent kids in bungholistan didnt really deserve to have their entrails ripped out
then see their father anally raped with them
it probably hadnt been strictly necessary to raze constantinople
he didnt normally count on his beads the number of dead
but of late he had found himself doing so
rather ostentatiously
in front of the generals and higher ranking bastards
it was all well and good to make a chalice from your enemies skulls from which to drink
but genghis k (as his fellow support group members knew him)
had created a giant phallus from skulls
and kept banging on about his nob was bigger than heathrow airport
nobody on the steppes had heard of heathrow
nor knew to put the emphasis on the second syllable
and certainly didnt know what an airport was
they suspected it was another way for genghis to hide his shame
who called a budgie 'motorbike' anyway?
despite innumerable meetings over oxen carcass soup
nobody had the courage to tell genghis khan that his hunting falcon
was really a budgie
with eczma
with ingrowing claws
with a giant wart on its left pupil
with syphillis
and an over-developed sense of self
that it had probably contracted by playing 'who's a pretty birdie' with mrs khan
so on those windswept plateaus
when the night retreated unwillingly
the great men all got their hunting birds out for a sesh of 'falconing'
genghis complained about motorbikes umpteenth 'headache'
and skulked back to his tent looking surly
with his few panadeine forte rattling in his bison trousers
the tenderness he felt for motorbike outstripped his shame
again and again

big in japan

you would think with all the noise that Tom Waits made about it
it would be tricky to be big in japan
wrong!
its easy
at this very moment some puzzone type is at it
he is big in japan all over the place
big in his hotel
big in the lavatory
big around the reception area
big on the underground
big with big amounts of luggage
and big on the streets
you wouldnt watch a dvd about it
not one with cheesy background music anyway
i have also been big in japan
on numerous occasions
i was big in the shit lexington nightclub
big in this temple
and that shrine
big on the hot streets of kyoto
(apparently)
big at the baseball
big in the eel restaurant
big on regional trains
particularly with the kiddies
big on the late night noodle fest
big with the fireworks on the bleach
big big and big
too bloody easy

so what was tom waits big deal about then?
so he has;
the moon (sure you do tommy)
the cheese (a big cheese?)
the whole damn nation on its knees? (that really is a bit of a stretch)
hey ho (lets go?)
thats the way you do it (what way, croakily?)
hey ho (lets go again, somewhere else?)
theres nothing to it (i think that point has just been made TOM)

this blog is not to be confused with bagging on Mr Waits...

oh no... nah nah nah baby

at this spectacular rate this blog shall die a slow grizzly death
sometime about mid april perhaps
suggested medication?
a large package of legal drugs
a swifk kit in the behind
a sheep station
distraction amongst the spirits
a sideways glance
some hair calming lotion
rehashed revolution speech
fire in belly of the beast
excess facial hair
renewed interest in the arts and literature in particular
richey went missing near the severn
they found his car
but not richey
if you are listening ed, give us a call
a small package of legal drugs
what the fuck is this guy on about?
black blokes with straightened hair
thai princesses slopping on the whitening cream
or could they be young men standing at a peculiar angle?
extemporising or maybe using big words
a new years resolution
an epifania del cazzo
but lets not let the hallway get all blocked up again
today saw some blurry shipping
maybe the cricket pitch size hole will resuscitate
thrills pills and arsey aches

Crappy Internetto......

The reason there is no blog today is because of crappy internetto
Well there is this blog
Which barely counts as a blog
But no other blog because of the crappy internetto
I think Baevis has come up with an elaborate scam to get $14 out of people by making a fake crappy internetto company
That constantly cuts off your internetto access
That refuses to accept payment of any kind
That doesn't even have it's own website
And that sends you a complementary stick with shit on it each month
But I think this internetto company's days are numbered
IT'S TIME!
To move to a new, slightly less crappy internetto company

Get ready for the dawning of a new day!

:-)

st kilda night market

eccoci
looks a bit like this
people milling about
a big statue arrangement in the centre
lit up like a litter stack
what gives in here?
the fighe in giro
girando and strapping away
green numbers and white babies
stalls stalling for you and me
happy hippy crap
glow in the darks
2 little hills
for sitting
smoking
drinking
and talking
all kind of fab thangs that go ploop
t shirts
chews your slogan
something about shit in french
maybe it was french shit
sausage in bread
drums, didgies and other punkabestie noise machines
pretty little arty facts
all in a row
post cards of good times
beads and more beads
three triple rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sit not stand
south american tripe
south american pipe tripe music
and on and on and on
they took his pole away
sit up straight
what i must find my own free language course?
why cant i have free money from the government?
bloody conspiracy theories
if only the world spoke assyrian as the lingua franca
then we would see
a stick of middle eastern sugar
sweeter than sweet
more filling than a self center
polished with a stout seeing to
who turned out the lights?
maybe it was the same people who took away the poles
racists
best be moving on here...

running a muck

lets all have a sensible conversation
lets chat about life
lets chat about relationships
lets just have a jolly bloody chat
lets sup some summer wine
lets giggle like a gurty undone
lets have a bloody lovely time
lets smile about bad things
lets learn from others
lets go for a stroll and a bevvy
lets get a little flushed in the cheekage dept
lets get a bit on the gobby side
lets make indecipherable accusations
lets not be sure whether one is sul serio
lets play some pool
lets meet the fellow players, nice englander folk
lets lose the fucking plot
lets get nasty and jealous
lets just be plain unpleasant
lets prove some bonkers point over there
lets rant just a tad
lets up and leave
lets tear off the tear off
lets dash into the traffik
lets get particularly wobbly
lets shake our funky thangs
lets hold down a leaping thing
lets be up and over
lets outdash dashwois
lets slump on a step
lets spout invective in completely the wrong direction
lets here we go here we go here we go
lets what the fuck?!

what is great about hot nights

umm.... let me see
is it the fucking mosquitoes
buzzing around,
whining
biting
sucking
is it the lack of oxygen
clammy
afoso
close
horrible
is it the sleep deprivation
lying awake endlessly
sweating
swearing
unable to read
mind racing
getting nowhere fast
is it feeling shit
unable to think
unable to feel
rueing the play for today
smelling
disgusted by ones own skun
cease to be
fucking nowt

a very imperative public circus-bah

make that phone call
sit on that hold
hold that polite tone
tell that story, again
cut to that chase
translate for the uncomprehending
agree agreeably to something unfeasable
aha and ahum along understandingly
rain thanks down upon the giver of nothing
feel that frustration get the better
of who? you?
why, are we so looooooost?
chew your gums up with foreboding and discouragement tickling the innards
try to skip past that munch
chastise yourself on the way down
own that night
welcome that day
sense the deed that must be done
arrange your silent sighs
force feed the burners
make a list
check it thrice
pull down the shutters
paint the world a blue hue
plug in yer plugs
sound proof the soundtrack of your life
be be be be strong
choose THE left foot/right foot combination
deny your pantaloons
admit strange sensations on passing locale
what comes next may change the coarse history...

slew beers grieve

twas a light and not so stormy night
in fact it was much more like the afternoon
there was a gathering
from many angles they came
that bloke,
that chick
the other bloke
and the chick that he knew
fearlessly they boarded the carriage without horses and set off
only to find themselves in a desterted street
the door was slammed down
nowt much happened then
time passed
inevitably
and positions were assumed
the host slaved over his hot bottie
the evening was looking long for some
they were staring into the wrong end of a telescope
hunch was munched
9.30 came and passed
a sense of foreboding loomed under one of the yellower balloons
everything was lovely
a tosspot bookend showed his disgrace
a tosspot nerd showed his
some others did likewise
war was never declared by france on italy
napoleons trousers were too short
splinter groups of splitters formed
the peoples front of judea
the judean peoples frontage
dashy relived his moments of glory
before being brutally cast down
twice
a gabbling hatted mun charged about
bokko!
streets were hit and a big bad noise was scented
a park
a people
a smell
a ground
incoherence
garbled words
frustrated connections
big love posted on the waves
had to say....

a great community service

shut fucking up

camel didnt do it

I didn't do it, should i stay or should i go.
That is the question or decision.

PROS...
Visit relo's
B'day celebrations
Socialising
Hang out with potential relo's you thought you never had
Dinner
Refreshing country drive
Kangaroos
Trees
Super Star DJ's HERE WE GO !!!!
Beavis won't be there - or Pete
And, AND, NO John Howard....

CONS...
Refreshing fuck'n 5hr drive
Hung over
Don't like old Tressle Bridge's
Too late now..
Wasting too much time writing this blog
Might miss Beavis & big hair
Kez feels revolting (& whinging)
Haven't shaven in years,
I smell.....nice that is :)
Going with the Simon opo lous
Found Kez in socks
Get there at 4.30, stay for dinner & leave


camel seemed reflective

further adventures of the beaver being...

first there was beaver plastics
pretty good one might think
then all transmogrified to beaver packaging
which reined supreme above the town
until one sad day
it was swallowed up by the capitalist behemoth
and beaver packaging was no more
only a select few knew of the secret beaver stash
visible solely from a secret vantage point amongst heavy industry
an unexpected ray of sunshine was spilt
from a most surprising place
a train from eltham to charing cross
beaver housing flashed and screamed in gorgeous synchrony
where were they when this epiphany dawned?
no bloody where...

dead duck walking pt. 1

here we go....
look around the senta (copyright pending)
little ducks narrowly avoiding big bad sharkies
little ducks having their numberplates personally modded
little ducks being fearful of ugly ugly humans
little ducks doing whatever the fuck else little ducks do
how many slices of goatbergine would you snuffle if you were a duck?
he needs somewhere between 919 and 1149
exact science this...
little ducks with the other bigger ducks
most notably and impressively the Generalissimo Big Fuck Off Ducks
with their yellow goobbly bits
see the little duck film
starring little ducks and figa announcements
did you know that little ducks are only found on this part of the pond?
i bet you fucking didnt
i fucking did
i learned it at little fucking duck primary caucus school
but then, sadly, i forgot
then its time to cruise the little duck shoppe
how much stuff can you ram a little duck onto?
as a boke upstairs once said...
for fucks sake!
for the full little duck experiece
why DID they change the name from hoity toity fucking ducks
to little fucking ducks?
hey? clever trousers?
then its off down the rampart
and plippity plop onto the sand
for a big arse, cold and quite dull wait
dont forget your diary of a secret lodging
the kids suck
the sand sucks
suckity suckity suck suck
fucking cazzo

erik the earwig

erik the earwig lived on the wall
he was small, brown and maggoty
erik the earwig would show his head from time to time
but he felt unloved
people always looked at erik oddly
sideways, lengthways and cazzoways
erik the earwig was just getting to grips with himself
he often did that
he really didnt need all those funny looks
it was enough to give an earwig a complex
one thing that erik the earwig felt was on his side
was his mighty organs
and the mess they could make if he was abused
it certainly scared off the camel
he came after erik the earwig with a giant white board
erik leaped for his life
knowing full well that the camel meant business
whiffy, sticky and unpleasant business at that
after a brief scuffle
erik the earwig was subdued and escorted outside
but the camel knew he was lucky to escape with his trousers intact
next time... thought erik the earwig
next time he wont be so lucky
as he screamed BEEEEELLLLLLIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN into the summer night

hot lava

did i tell you about hot lava?
its fab
there is purple and orange
the orange just sorts of blobs around
doing nothing much
looking kind of disinterested
then, all of a sudden
for no perceptible reason
there is a frenzy of light and splendour
then,
not much happens
but as the slurry warms
whilst nowt is going down
the purple glows cool
bearing witness and happily in the retroscena
the super cool orange starts to stir
first it mounds
then mounds some more
then a timid excursion out of the comfort zone
and after you know it
theres a regular stream of 2 way traffic
the purple graciously forming, swelling and taking off
often colliding with its larvae sibs travelling in the opposite direction
you couldnt call it a meeting of great minds
one moment they entwine
next they meld and slither by without the slightest friction
or meld into a single form
before tearing itself apart again to continue with the established trajectory
every time we make love....
hot lava

il signore dei friks

he did hot foot in the land of scenery
he threw himself out of aeroplanes
ribs notwithstanding
he ate chocolate on a glacier
he marvelled at the 2nd world prices
he probably complained a bit
he chatted to japanese fighe
he exchanged wisdom with a cockney geezer
he bought the dvd
he slept amidst the fucking backpackers
he made sense of the local accent
he did unspeakable things with telecaster guitars
he made contacts with network executives
he probably saw some cool nature on the way
including some wacky boat in the air between the mountains attached to the wires
he imbibed gluten in evey form
gluten burgers
gluten pot noodles
gluten cheesy poofs
gluten gluten bites
gluten me not gluten straws
'i cant believe it's not gluten' gluten
a gluten shake with extra large fuck me up the arse gluten freedom fries
hell, he even had a gluten implants bunged in
missing your gluten ?
skip the patches or the fake gluten puffers
just get gluten thingies attached to your behind

hall work and snow hay makes...

hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
one bored, shitty and a crap snack treat

why i didnt see the salvo shoppe in inkerman st

its invisible
there was a temporary blip in the time-space continuium
i forgot to look
some kind of prejudice which i havent yet established
it was a slow blog day
the thooka thooka in my ears distracted me
the eeek eeek screek of my brain distracted me
the situation in darfur distracted me
the dodgy bloke in the leather jacket lighting a fag distracted me
my chasteness got in the way
it was my density
the sun reflected off the windows and blinded me
the ultra modern design of the building made in beyond my minds comprehension
somebody moved it temporarily
it was out to lunch
i was out to lunch
i didnt have my smelly vest on
it was only a figment of his imagination
it was abducted and anally probed by aliens with bubbles on their heads
i didnt apply in triplicate
i lost all sense of perspective and saw a rubiks cube
it turned into a goat
somebody wasnt paying attention

stiffy little fingers

the family stiffoir lived by a frozen bocs
the roof came a tumbling down
leaving the family stiffoir with no shelter
mr stiffoir dropped lots of 'clever' one liners
but they weren't very funny
that didnt stop him
banned from school with knits
a real girl called eye-ee-shucks
ginger stubble
mark molloyocks rings a bit real
i recognized the background skyline
lots of big names and big nobs
little boy stiffoir is having a rough time of it
mummy stiffoir has chortled off to some imaginary town in the north
for a big day...
daddy stiffoir had a lot of things going down
somebody tried to run him off the road
somebody tried to run him down
somebody cut his brakes
a farting dog right nearby
his car upside down in the lake
his bird left him to become a big lesbian
his faced is scratched
his one liners get worse
dry? not really...
daddy stiffoir got his jacket all broken
the roof fell off his house
he stole a dead mans car
but its okay
theres a love interest
ethnic at that!
and a great big conspiracy
where would the world be without them ?
the bloke he works for sold his flesh
for a pound of coins
the turkish fraternity were mistreating mr memo
and something about an old geezer doing stabbin practice
it all ended ironically
or was that underwhelmingly ?
at least i think that was the point
it might have just been his trousers rucking up

i wonder whats happening in new zealand...

i hardly facking think

therefore i hardly facking am

on being crap

how do i count the ways?
the big one is communication crap
too crap to answer an email today or this week
too crap to answer an email this month or trip around the sun
too crap to make that little effort required to just stay in touch and show you give a crap
i once knew a crap bloke
he was pretty crap
but then in the fullness of time his crapness seemed callow and poor
the biggest crap inducement around
is the being in another town, another state, another country or another hemisphere
it makes even the best of us giant big crapsters
these were the best of times, these were the blurst of times
when is it okay to be crap?
whats the ettiquete for a text message?
not answering is rude
after how long?
with depersonalized communication
being crap has become the easy as pye
crap in wales
crap in in the ussr
crap in the land of the gun weilding philistine fundamentalists
crap in london
crap in mexico
crap nel bel paese
big in japan
crap in not so great bretagne
crapping all over the world
We are all crap or carp in our own various ways
it is easy to forget
not to make that small effort
to put it off to another day
i'll get right on it...
it slithers so easily from the mind
will get on it tomorrow
just need to eat my own boot first
aw, they know i love them
our friendship doesnt need contact
hmmmmmmmmmm
out of sight
out of mind
out of this world
in the crap
merda!

red sky on meredith

meredith thangs;
faster pussycat kill kill in a lovely tree lined venue
unhealthy protrusion of busts
and wiggling of bottoms as one walked
no wonder it is a cult
a big big tree that provided shade for 3 fookin daze
love that big big tree
it gives protection for you and me
a pine perhaps
dust and dust and heat
how about that dust
dust in your nose
dust in your ears
dust in your every orificer
i must i must i must decrease my dust
beavis only recently escaped the tin mine
hoffeee him
black feet
cornelius can be my special friend
amayyyzing set with amayyyyzing visuals in behind
ugrieee adamson shouted his arse off
or it might have been his head
one of them has a lot of tattoos
of petunias or oranjebloom or something
narrowly escaped tim the tool with tex the mitico
why oh why?!?
completely missed spencer and the nudey run around
combo la thththththt im sure were lovely people
with interesting lives to lead and serving a valuable need in our community
likewise the ballandigo big bad brass arse band
other noteworthy performances included
ummm errrrrrr aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh ummmmmmmmmm
rustle rustle
band of horses... not bad for a band of horses
midlake... not bad except for shitfully annoying harmonies
augie march for sounding like a band i have heard before
the drones were cool
then there were some other bands which i paid no attention tooo
big kudos to the i drive a truck with a long hose on it people
breakfest burritos
eriks incredible endurance of having 18 ribs removed and rammed up his arse
stoicism personified
lots of beer
lots of spliff
friendly folks
overly friendly folks scaring off the tourists
and scaring off the me
beavis and his heroic earplugs
kez the blackleg
clean clean clean lavatories
loveless effort that
smoke hanging heavily in the air
dust clinging lightly to the bods
sleep doing a splash and dash
the figa family next door
bless em
all the young people
not sure about whether they need blessing
how about that dust?
dusty enough for you?
funk to dusty?
too many schnaa
hang on a minute, thats not right
superb performance from the berntastic
sorry about that ole chappes
no disrespect intending
arsed on, downtrodden by fucked up hordes
it came up smelling of dust

the duster brothers

driving about
driving about
isn't it all so lovely
cruising along
wait, whats that!?
a line up of wahabiite prayer givings?
no, its just a great big fuck off queueueueuue
so we park
so we beer
so we smoke
so we piss
hayley bails for all
hang in there...
50 metres then 80 metres
then 23 metres then a bloke with a beard
off we go...
got any spare beer?
how about small beer?
tent put up
whats that noise
no, that one
ahh the shouty one
somebody is about to flip
out off
in ouff
all about...

cant be arsed

the day that arturo died

somebody cried
at the POW
no, not the prisoner of war
no, not the patented obvious wossit
no, not the pulverized organ wurlizter
the prince of wales
take a leap back in history
set foot in a room with cheap beer
fools, butfoons and not so many shady characters
how about that?
oops just lost 5 years
feeling snappier already
Pippy longtroosers walked these boards again
the same boards
give or take a few old freakoids
or young potters of toss
would you like some beervis?
this time there was the broken man
man, he was broken
couldnt sit down
couldnt stand up
couldnt breathe without the macchina
disgusting the flower of trooth
the figa that didnt run for cover
coz the cover never availed itself
fancy the fook that
one dollar pots
one dollar fittttie pots
one dollar sittttieee pots
wot fookin next?
filling up space on blog?

here comes the meredith all dressed in hot

today is the day of the meredith
greetings and salutations to all merediths out where
there should be lots of scorched heads
scorched brains
and scorched scorcios
fab music
tented red headed wonderlands
no dickheads
and no bushfires
2 cars
2 tents
one vegas
with or without showgirls
no girls tent
no tutus
but an elegant lady or high breeding
one foreign passer by swept up in a plastic bag
one seedy bloke
one seedier looking bloke
and a lot of seedy looking blokes
many unfortunate couches may pass away
but the newly riffed reptilic blue somethingtastic promises a good show
even if the ground beckons for all the wrong reasons
so wishes are well
as somebody sets off somewhere
quite likely somewhere already conquered by the conquering hordes
but at least they are nice hordes
a good band is coming on
im off to the first aid tent for a worse view

cricket crooked businessmen

so the whole country goes potty over a game of cricket
another whole country jumps in the north sea
and wrings hands as they are bracingly swept away
whats that dad? they are just the orkneys...
its the end of the world as we knew it
and i feel nonplussed
what a truly odd game
5 days
5 fuckign days
30 odd hours
then it all ends up with 3 overs to go...
it aint a matter of life and death
its more noteworthy
lets just run down what it is that has had such a profound affect
22 blokes in white pyjamas
2 blokes with black trousers and white shirts whos job it is to wave their arms around, stick their fingers up..... , stand very still and act all grown up
another 2 blokes have the job of carrying water out to the first 22
and trying not to look disappointed that they werent good enough
picture this bull bragg boy
a huge green oval
thus named after a rhombus
with a bit of hard grass
all beaten up, dried out and squashed down
this bit in the middle a rectangle known as a square
at each end there are 3 wooden sticks
a few centimetres apart
with a couple of ickle twigs between them to make up the castle
then 2 blokes covered in padding of all kinds and big sticks wander out
another 11 blokes wander around aimlessly on this big green space
strangely one of them also has pads and stands nearby the castle
then from one end a big bloke stalks off to fence then turns around to reveal he has a ball in his hand
he runs like a man possessed towards the square
and by warping his body in a most impure manner
he hurles the ball with all his might at the bloke with a stick at the other end
who most times just watch it go by
like you might watch a pink butterfly
then it all starts again
then it carries on
and carries on
with occasional stopping for head and ball scratching
even more occasional hysterics
usually unjustified
and the 2 blokes between the castles rarely trotting back and forth on the square like well train dalmations
after a couple of hours
everybody has a break and then its on again
an again
and after five days
oftentimes there a draw
thats what keeps this country in a delirium and blissfully unaware of the evil manipulations of horrid little smug men

dim smuggy

broken elbows
cheep cheep birru
it all comes flooding back now
sit up straight
otherwise the view is impaired
nowt worse than that
its only a short stagger to that plaice
stolen bad reference
sorry about that
theres an old man here
he claims that he knew you
the dragon sure wasnt slainest
the history of the brick
it finished right there
roma termini
st kilda termini
there better be a good excuse for that
they say its static electricity
yesterday it took 2.13 euro off the shelf
then it were over
like slipping into a new glovers
that bloke knew it were over
a nation united
can oft be defeated
sensors all switched to 'couldnae give a fook'
so...
normal service resumed
this nation has a receptacle
that doesnt look right
nothing respectable about that then
something to say?
fascinating tale of woe and mischief?
stones turned and molested strrrrreeet corners?
grazed elbogans?
sod that... im off to look at the guardian
dont you ever read the guardian kneel?

Ron that steak sandwich

the view from the capsule is rubbish
all icy platitudes
who would have thought richard branson would stoop to this?
blah blah blah
atom bomb
blah blah blah
tomato pasting
blah blah blah
reconstituted white people
blah blah blah
neutron equals engery with the railway brakes on
how do i know this?
bog off
tasteless, classless and coalescent
for only 20 knicker plus VAT
that bloke that made a difference
only gave away the secret to the ultimate in mass extermination
good intentions are not only overrated
you can't forget the t-boner
in between skating and bleaching
there wasn't much space
what was there was filled with lemon and lime
oh good
whistling
that crap kind that is only done between filthy digits
the one that rattles around in your head
he's having a shit time of it
she's having a shocker
and then there are the ones all beaten up with a hammer
congealed your fancy?
fucking this
fuckign that
piece of shit 1 says to piece of shit 2;
you piece of shit
piece of shit 2 says,
fucken fuck
only slightly more degrading than seeing your arse on the internet with i love big grey barry tattooed on it
another wasted flower of youth
purple and perfectly round
with a bit of yellow in the middle
zooming off there into nowhere
good thing it wasnt free
human conscience and all that biz nuge
pan backwards and catch the lucky folk getting on with the fire
meatballs on sticks
cliche bashed out and around the block... again
the label closed down
arse

camel wears his legs

he does you know
i saw him
they grow back when sliced off at the hip
that's why he's no twinset
that'd be potent
wacky little number innit?

THE FIGA IS FIGA

Somebody asked me about the logic of this sentence.
You have to know that despite on what can be told about a figa, she olways remains a figa and must be serpected as a figa as whell.
But when a figa is a really figa ?
If you meet a girl, here you can find a clessification of the differets figa's degrees:
From the top to the bottom

1) Strafiga (better than figa)
2) Figa (figa)
3) Gran gnocca (quite a figa)
4) Gnocca (not a figa but...)
5) Medio gnocca (intresting)
6) Semi-gnocca (sill intresting)
7) Tipa (not really intresting)
8) Una (non intresting)
9) Cancello (intresting for medical research)
10) In this case you only try to forgive her immediately, without giving her a name

Now, acording to the schedule, we can tell that in position number 1&2 a figa remains a figa anywhere, position 3&4 are usually considered figa but, as they aren't really figa, you can submit the appartenence at the figa class to conditions like make-up, usually a figa from 3 to 5 the decision is yours, after 5th position you can't consider the girl as a figa, even if you are in love with her.
Must even be told that from position 6 to 8 the sense of humor plays a fondameltal role.
Anyway the positions between 5 & 7 can usually be changed following the personal preferences.
i hope no girls feels offended by this post.
For further details please contact me.

MPAA Lobbying for SEEDY MAGGOT Regulations

The MPAA is lobbying congress to push through a new
bill that would make unauthorized SEEDY MAGGOTS illegal. The group feels
that all SEEDY MAGGOTS should be sanctioned, whether they be ON THIRD WORLD HOLIDAY or at home.

MPAA head Dan Glickman says this needs to be regulated before things
start getting too far out of control, "We didn't act early enough with
the online sharing of our copyrighted content AND WE ENDED UP WITH PETE. This time we're not
making the same mistake. We have a right to know what SEEDY MAGGOT is in a
theater."

The bill would require that any hardware manufactured in the future
contain technology that tells the MPAA directly of what SEEDY MAGGOT
and specific details on the audience. The data would be gathered using
various LEON sensors and biometric technology.

The MPAA defines a SEEDY MAGGOT as any home with a LEON larger
than 29" with stereo sound and at least two SMUG BASTARDS, couch,
or futon. Anyone with a SEEDY MAGGOT would need to pay a $50
registration fee with the MPAA or face fines up to $500,000 per AFRO shown.

"Just because you buy a DVD to watch at home doesn't give you the right
to invite friends over to watch A SEEDY MAGGOT too. That's a violation of copyright
and denies us the revenue that would be generated from DVD sales to your
friends," said Glickman. "Ideally we expect each viewer to have their
own SEEDY MAGGOT, but we realize that isn't always feasible. The
SMASH IN THE NADS is a fair compromise.

The bill also stipulates that any existing SEEDY MAGGOTS be retrofitted
with the technology or else the owner is responsible for ANY PETE THE PAINTA LOOKALIKES and receiving approval before each viewing OF A SEEDY MAGGOT.

stiffy fingers

the family stiffoir lived by a frozen bocs
the roof came a tumbling down
leaving the family stiffoir with no shelter
mr stiffoir dropped lots of 'clever' one liners
but they weren't very funny
that didnt stop him
banned from school with knits
a real girl called eye-ee-shucks
ginger stubble
mark molloyocks rings a bit real
i recognized the background skyline
lots of big names and big nobs
little boy stiffoir is having a rough time of it
mummy stiffoir has chortled off to some imaginary town in the north
for a big day...
daddy stiffoir had a lot of things going down
somebody tried to run him off the road
somebody tried to run him down
somebody cut his brakes
a farting dog right nearby
his car upside down in the lake
his bird left him to become a big lesbian
his faced is scratched
his one liners get worse
dry? not really...
daddy stiffoir got his jacket all broken
the roof fell off his house
he stole a dead mans car
but its okay
theres a love interest
ethnic at that!
and a great big conspiracy
where would the world be without them ?
the bloke he works for sold his flesh
for a pound of coins
the turkish fraternity were mistreating mr memo
and something about an old geezer doing stabbin practice
in a great big fuck off freezer
it all ended ironically
or was that underwhelmingly ?
at least i think that was the point
it may have just been his trousers rucking up

i wonder whats happening in new zealand...