504

remarkable
this is the 504th posting on this blog
including all the rubbish ones that got posted twice
all the daft ones that only had a couple of words
all the silly pictures and videos and links
that i put when i couldnt be arsed thinking up some tripe to type
from humble beginnings this blog has moved on to humble middle bits
to equally humble more recent bits
humble in the sense of the not up to much
not humble in the sense of unassuming and non judgemental
there is plenty of bokko, generalisations and plain venom filled rants
there have been a few posts in italian
and maybe one or two in spanish
perhaps a half dozen written by guest posters
many greats including, suzanne, kez, dave, beavis, catherine, erik, jehovis, camel and lisa
a lot more greats have been hassled in the attempt to make them write
but they were too smart for all that...
there have been some travelish blogs
stories of being in italy, the uk and venezuela and even one from taiwan
stories of being bored out of small skull
it started off rather convoluted and wilfully obscure
but that ended up to too much hard work
of late there has been riveting series of the world guide
slandering and libelling, making huge generalisations and nasty innuendo about every country on the planet
blatant ripping of of lyrics by songwriters of the great and good departments
and a dozen or so blogs about a pretty little hairy geezer who sits nearby me licking his legs
go beavis!
who can possibly know what marvels await in the future of this blog
probably about none... thats how many
tall tales and turtles
adventures on the high seas and at the low pubs
incredibly perspective diatribes on the geopolitical state of the world
or just more bollocks...

deiner schuer

Apathy
Beavis
Chadstone
Doooooooooooooooooorrrrrrr
Ebabes
Flaky
Grasping
Hair appointment
Ignorant
Jeff lover
Klu Klux Klan
Lazy
Malvern East tennis club
Nancy Reagan
Old
Peugeot
Querelous
Racist
Short While
Two minute noodle hair
Underwhelming
Vacant
Why?
Xenophobe
Yawn
Zealot

a-gog

picture this
it is 1991
australia is being run by the labor party
or is that the labour party?
paul keating had usurped bob hawke only recently
it left a bitter taste in the mouth
bob was such a chchchchcharismatic bloke
the bloke that said any boss that sacks his underlings for being late to work the day australia 2 won the americas cup was a bastard
a real man of the people
so it was a bit sad that he got bumped by keating
who seemed a bit uppity
but bob had lost his touch
power had most certainly gone to his head
it was time for a new figure
and he turned out to be very impressive
wiping the floor with i challenge the prime minister and other conservative arses
lots of people were still ranting about how they didnt vote for him
but in this country we dont vote for prime ministers
we vote for political parties
year 12 had fizzled out
i had missed it entirely
it was a blur of chippiness and bore
angst and snore
then a year dedicated to sloth
booze, dope and fags
all kinds of extremes
jumping the back fence
walking through that bit of grass to the bottle shop
sitting outside on the steps with champelli spumante and 2 bottles of beer
visits to the tennis court car park and the primary school at night
bruce the fuckwit carrying on
then to blackburn and good good times
that palled quite quickly
the bullshit and cds being paraded
the ties hanging off the walls
the jim man impersonations
that so many people fell for
and ended up being so very transparent
sorry for being slightly perceptive man
it was very impressive though
most people fell for it most of the time
i always thought it must be incredibly hard work
livers and lungs and brains took an enormous belting
as did the phone bill
there was a couch above the front door
there was a mountain of rubbish on the nature strip
that the council threatened us about so we had to hire a skip
there were some pathetic dope plants in the backyard
that a couple of morons tried to steal and got busted!
there was twatkins being as painful as sbf if not worse
there was a bite out of the toilet seat and tomato sauce on it
the dishes pile high
and a constant stream of visitors
some people would just come over and hang out
completely uninvited
some of them were fucking buttocks
a girl lived under our pool table for a few weeks
and someone who was proud of the fact that he hadnt washed or clean his teeth in weeks
a big plastic bin full of cigarette butts
there was the bearded ladies party
the buying dresses and wandering around the streets in them
an almost big punch up between that bloke and that bloke
a room entirely full of stolen street signs and traffic cones
a trip to elwood beach at night
tripping away
lying on the sand staring at the clouds
manipulating them to form rabbits and other animals
but i tired of it after a few months
just when harder drugs were looming
along with a bit of petty crime
i didnt want a part of that
and i was bored with all the lies and charades
so i got a haircut, a purple shirt and some ridiculous blue trousers
and moved out
to start afresh after my year off
decided to repeat year 12 as an 'adult' at the tafe
where i met agog....

he took her to a (bad) movie

He met her in the pub, he took her to a movie
and when they'd listened to some dub, he took her to a movie
and after all the trub, he took her to a movie
but so did I

and when her head was sore, he took her to a movie
she's always been such a whore, he took her to a movie
and should she become bore, he took her to a movie
but so did I

I think she's been on the smack, he took her to a movie
when they cut off her crack , he took her to a movie
and when she couldnt hide the tracks, he took her to a movie
but so did I

there's nothing left to do, he took her to a movie
but she's a junkie too, he took her to a movie
we're now sniffing glue, he took her to a movie
but so did I

Portfolio eye view of the world - S Part 1

S
Saint Kitts and Nevis
They say a long time ago a big asteroid came hurtling across the galaxy and biffed into what is now the caribbean sea. I wonder what effect this had on Saint Kitts and Nevis, probably a damp one. Nevis is a cool name innit?
travel advice-there is a subtle difference between going to the bleach and going to the beach.

Saint Lucia
There sure are a lot of saints floating around that aforementioned sea. They probably all are quite similar, little islands with poor people who are good at running on them.
travel advice-dont pour beach on your clothes to get rid of the spots.

Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Yes, do carry on all you sainty island groovers. I have no idea how many grenadines there are, but they sound like a kind of booze. Much better than Saint Vincent and the Grenadiers. I am sure its lovely around these parts thar.
travel advice-When will there be a saint buttmunch or some such other cool named saint, just to liven things up a bit?

Samoa
well thank fuck its not saint samoa. at least we leave the spiffy caribbean to go to the spiffy south west pacific to Samoa. There are actually two Samoas; this one and American. As you could probably guess the godlblessamericans stole the latter. wankers. I went to the samoa once when i was rather short and i dont really remember much about it, chanced are the samoans dont really remember much about me either. fair play.
travel advice-you could do worse than sitting on the beach, eg sitting on the bleach

San Marino
It is a real country. no really. Despite the fact that the country is about 20 cm x 13 cm, it counts as a country. It is wholly surrounded by italy, coz its in italy! The san marinesi speak italian and have a castle. Apparently San Marino actually did something cool centuries ago in the human rights field, though I am buggered if i can remember it and i REFUSE to do research. There is a San Marino formula 1 grand prix but this is actually not in san marino, confusing!
travel advice-go to italy and turn left, or right, depending on where you are.

Sao Tome and Principe
Some more islands in the sun, but far more exotically located ones. Sao Tome and Principe are a group of islands located not far from africas armpit. (my vernacular). I suspect they were once portuguese so you can probably hear jdjddjjdjdjdjddjdjdj if you listen closely. I also suspect there is oil wealth in that there armpit so there are probably 4 rich people on the islands and everybody else is horridly poor. As that is the way it is done in africa.
travel advice-these islands sound like a proper exotic place to me, i would love to got there, but perhaps for the locals box hill north back beach would be exotic.

Far be it from me...

the bering strait...

har har...

Portfolio eye view of the world - R

R
Romania
Welcome to eastern europe, land of ickle girls bouncing around on beams and throwing balls in the air and vlad dracul. Unlike its neighbours, Bulgaria, Greece et al the romanians speak a latin based language. It has one of the highest populations of gypsies anywhere which is bad news for the romanians. Communism arrived, built horrible buildings and they also had ceacescu who was a complete buttock of a dictator. Many romanians fled to western europe and became huge maggoty fuckers causing all kinds of criminal grief.
travel advice-count dracula is a real guy, in fact all romanians are draculas, so go to bucharest and and bite someone on the neck to make a friend.

Russian Federation
Russia is big, really, really, fucking big. Not panty waste big like australia or china.. its huuuuuuge. stretching from the baltic to the pacific, from slavic europeans to far eastern asian peoples. Russia has had a long history of being a big bad backwards bully. The tsars were tosspots and kicked about with nobs like rah, rah, rasputin russias favourite love machine. Catherine the great didnt even die shagging a horse and ivan the terrible didnt get that name for being a super fab loveable guy. After the bolshies got bolshy then came the soviet onion Lenin and Stalin, a psycopathic prick if ever there was one. As the 'evil empire' it trashed everybodys houses, invaded afghanistan, murdered anybody with a brain in a gulag, sent a dog called laika into space without any dog biscuits and generally tried to fuck with the whole planet. It fell over in the 1980's but now the kgb is back with vlad the anal impaler putin and russia is back to its bloody old tricks in chechnya, georgia, ukraine and poisoning defectors in london and journalists in moscow. The home of great literature, arts and vodka its just a pity that russians seem to be desirous of a 'strongman (farking carnt) as a leader. It is massively corrupt so you can see why russian chicks are trying to snag foreign blokes all over the internerd.
travel advice- st petersburg would be groovy and there is the trans ringwood railway, just outside zone 3.

Rwanda
Start thinking genocide, Hutus, Tutsis and french bastards (and other westerners) who couldnt be arsed making an effort to save hundreds of thousands of lives because they were black and besides, there was camembert to munch, gooses to be force fed with sticks and rubbish pretentious movies to make. Rwanda is a very small country in central africa that is still recovering from the monstrous genocide of the 1990's and suffered a major setback earlier this year when beavis came by and spoke shit french at them. The good news is that he left and that they have officially decided to ditch french and take up english as an official language... har har.
travel advice-dont get a time machine and go to rwanda during the genocide, that would be very grim and you will most likely lose control of your bowels, if indeed your bowels havent been macheted off.

Einstein kicks religions arse for 34 goals 15

BOKKO YOU BILIOUS RELIGIOUS BUNGHOLES!!! - EINY


From a letter, dated January 3 1954

On organised religion in general;
"The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this."

On Judaism and the obscene 'chosen ones' claim;
"For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people. As far as my experience goes, they are no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything 'chosen' about them."

tonight in the wwhorrrrrrrrrllllllllllddddddddddddddd

so whats going on today care of sbf news at 6.30?

#beepity beepity beepity blonkity beep#

First up a whole lot of banging on about the credit cruch, bank bollocks, money for pensioners, politicians queuing up to get on telly and crap on about it, then in godblessamerica and europe similar stuff goes down...arent we all very big and clever mr and mrs politician in berlin/canberra/london/godblessamerica city...
general market uppity up news, around the world.... aha... yep thatd be that shitty system in decay then ... has anybody heard the godblessamericans apologise for this enormous fuck up yet?
thailand v cambodia border stuff, confrontation, thai troops pull back, no they didnt... somewhere along the enormarse border people cant decide what is whose what is whose.. there is a pretty khmer temple in the middle of it. thai troops are on one side and cambodians on the other being cranky and mooning each other but this time the thai farangs actually played on the temple and the cambodians threw sticks and beans at them... and told them to get out or there would be big im telling my mummy trub...
3 charged in indonesia about terrorism, another three indonesians have been charged with terrorism (and without having the army's permission) and news about bali bombers who might be getting shot to death and small pieces very soon.. the death penalty really is barbaric, these days only third world countries like indonesia, china and godblessamerica allow it..
the john howard racist cunt intervention in the northern territory has been looked at, with changes proposed, I propose that john howard be strung up from a bridge and we can throw rotten tomatoes and javelins covered in napalm at him...
tasmanian police comissioner charged with illegaly disclosing private stuff to a couple of politicians... how fucking exciting! perhaps he disclosed how the whole state in is in the thrall of Gunns bastard forest massacring, habitat destroying and environment destroying inc.
Victorian police sexual crime squad investigating minister re sexual assault allegations, it is alleged he failed to sniff a chair or eat his own bootlaces...
dead australian girliy in croatia update, it is big news coz she is kinda cutesy and blonde...vaffanculo. her dad claims that the croats did a crap job of poking her body stick coz they found no signs of violence..and wants another autopsy in ossstraya... usual pants bias or have his corduroy dungarees rolled up?
tibetan leader say conditions worse, the chinese imperialist pricks initiated a crackdwon for olypmics and a HUGE surprise they havent lifted it! Shock!!! dictator state invades neighbour state and acts like an enormous maggot.. china you are a fucking prick!
Mbeki back in zimbabwe coz of mugabe fucking over deal.. ;yes, that top bloke, freedom fighter and murdering, corrupt lowlife has reneged on his deal to not be such an arsehole and form a nicey nicey everybody hold hands government of unity.. and then another HUGE surprise, he goes back on it and gives all the jobs that count to his matesy... just fuck off and die of aids. and while you are at it, give some aids to mbeki too so he can feel the fate he caused tens of thousands of south africans.
austrian cyclist kohl busted for doping in the tour de france... the bloke who came third and won the spotty botty jersey has just been busted with these fab new blood tests that are catching loads of cheating bikey nerdy maggots, lets hope they catch uber maggot armstrong by his one nad...
north korea stops nuking again now that godblessamerica have said that they are no longer 'big girly arse-faces with no mates and a booger for a brain' on telly... and on the game goes.. what would happen if mcccain bunghole or obabalama were pres? sigh...
In the upcoming canadian election some bloke is the favourite.. i wonder if i stick this pencil up my nose if i will think in greylead?
And finally, the usual blahdeblah bunkum about the upcoming godblessamerica election, just fucking get over it! we dont live there! obamalama is winning and trying to keep his sensible trousers up with braces and mccain is trying any old thing he can and palin is a horrid backward little slag...

#beepity beepity beepity blonkity beep#

now you know all that matters... go paint your camel blue

Word puzzle...

+ SO = ?

geddit?

Hint-swearing in foreign languages is fun!

When I first met your (Em)ma...

(almost the first time)

When I first met your mother
I was wandering around a hostel in omonia
She was hanging with some yank
That foolish yank kept saying mackedonia
She looked so muppety and groovy
As she sat on those stairs
And I was not the only one
Talking to that schnaa
When I first met your ma

When I first visited your mother
I was with anna once again
We drove a hire car to the countryman
There she got some beers in
We could not stop our drinking
Then she whispered in my ear
'You're quite pissed you know
So let's not drive too fast'
When I first visited your ma

Em like a butterfly flaps about
You'll discover this, no doubt
Em like a butterfly flaps about

When we first lived together
Inside her student house
We often smoked some spliff
As we giggled with Grim, Martin and Chris
From the next room came pounding, twas juicy on the job
I scarpered two blocks in swansea rain
I could have scarpered ten more
When I first rented her room from your ma

Em she sure knows how to blag
You'll find out that she's no slag
Em she sure knows how to blag....

Portfolio eye view of the world - Q

Q
Qatar
Just a little pensinsula off the arabian disgrace of land in the persian gulf between asia and africa. Qatar may have a history of 234345343434 years as camel molesters but as far as pevw is concerned they are all arab islamic nutters. As an example of how mad they are, they allow a mad swede to live there and prosper no less. Apart from the horrid backwards usual rubbish about islamic states, qatar makes a big effort to be bungholes by importing athletes from africa and footballers from south america to perform great sporting feats for their new 'country'. Wankers
travel advice-go and get drunk with marten and see the grand prix, then tell the locals to stop being such backwards fuckers.

he's got a beard and a hat!

Ballad of the Skeletons by Allen Ginsberg and some scouser...
Wizard, really first rate!

the local paper shop

THE PROPRIETOR IN FRONT OF THE LOCAL PAPER SHOP

i am quite fond of the local paper shop
they have local papers
they have food and drinks
they have dips and pet food
they have an interesting array of staff
they have rather good specials
they have fags and booze
and beer promotions that arent massively cheap
but sucker me on a regular basis
especially the one with the grand ridge bizz
there is the indianish bloke who looks permanently stoned
who munches his lunch around the side and yacks on his mobily
there is the proper indian bloke who has square glasses and is a bit too cheery
there is the cutesy girly with the dyed hair who works on sundays
there is the rather thick lady who is sometimes there
in the delicatessen department there is a pretty good turnover
even that chick from colombia whom i am sure will call me soon
there are loads of other people who seem to drive through
i quite often go to the local paper shop
sometimes i wonder if i go there too often
its that bloody bloke again they might whispher
before scanning my card yet again
and giving me the slip to sign
no, i dont sign underwear
its a receipt right!?
they seem to understand my vocal etchings
they must be from our area....

Portfolio eye view of the world -P part 2

P
Paraguay
Not to be mixed up with that other great guay, Uru, Paraguay is further north and inland on the south american continent. I once waded in the river that is the border between Paraguay and Agentina, but you probably dont care about that. They speak thththth in Paraguay and they have a big dam that beavis was interested in. I tried to enter the country once but there was some visa rubbish going on.
Travel advice-watch out for visa rubbish going on and look at a big dam.

Peru
Celestine prophecy or not Peru is a country that inspires the imaginations of lots of people. which means its more the pity that the country is a complete toilet. That most certainly isnt the fault of the Incas and their forebears who built all that cool stuff, its entirely the fault of the current day peruvians who are maggoty and cynical. Macchu Picchu et al are quite extraordinary but you have to tolerate all kinds of fuckers to get there. Catherine has been to peru, with switters the birdie and Tania the nutty, although she probably doesnt remember it. There is a thththththth level three alert all over the country.
travel advice-cash on in all the free drinks on offer around cuzco, one drink and then onwards...

Philippines
A nation of 25,4747m838 islands in the western pacific, philippines (the) probably have a lot of boats. They only relatively recently escaped from being a part of the thththth empire, so happily you dont have to hear ththth when you visit, but many names and place names are very thththh.
After that the nasty japanese showed up and were generally very bastardy, then the godblessamericans showed up for ww2 and very hard to stick around and run the show but the philipinos gave them the finger. All power to the filipinos! Imelda Marcos is the most famous philipino about these days, she stole milllions from the country and spent it all on shoes.
travel advice-go quickly coz there wont be any forest left next week, also avoid the southern islands unless you like being killed by islamist morons.

Poland
Sandwiched between Russia and Germany, Poland wins the most dangerous location award every time. Constantly invaded and trashed by these two historical paradigms of good neighbourly behaviour, Poland is doing fab just to be around. Poland has some of the most beautiful women on the planet and some of the dodgiest porno 'tached blokes too. The poles used to rumble with the swedes when they were tough, then the teutonic knights showed up and called it Prussia. Hitler and Stalin divvied up the land for themselves and then fucked everybody over, once again. After WW2, the russians annexed it and turned it into a shitty communist state. I have only been to Krakow and surrounds, Krakow is fucking gorgeous because the nazis didnt get a chance to blow it up (unlike the rest of the country) but nearby is oscwiecim or Auschwitz as the germans called it, the most fucked up place on earth. Brrrrr...
Famous Poles include Lech Walensa, Stan and the three colours trilogy director bloke. These days half the poles live in england being plumbers.
travel advice-to to auschwitz, then wait a while before meeting any germans if you dont wish to be jailed.

Portugal
Portugal is the westernmost part of continental europe and they talk djdjjdjdjdjdjdj, which is very similar to thththhththt, at least in writing. It takes up only a small part of iberia but the portuguese did a smashing job of adventuring in the ahem 'new' world, they were all over the shop. Marten wants to retire there to a fishing village and a lot other people say its fab. As they are the only country in western europe that demands a holiday visa from nationals of my ilk i say they can go fuck themselves.
travel advice-i'm not bothering about it until they cut that shit out.. buttholes

Portfolio eye view of the world-P part 1

P
Pakistan
Pakistan came into being when the english decided to carve up the sub contintent to seperate those gazillion cheeky hindus from those gazillion naughty muslims. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but quite frankly these neighbours dont get along (with nukes). The majority of the muslims took their lives into pakistan, an alleged democracy and into east pakistan, which is now bangladesh. Of course it all went toilet shaped and now pakistan is one of the major sources of frettage the world over. A country effectively run by the military with a hell of a lot of muslim extremists in positions of power and some of them have access to nuclear weapons. The regions next to the afghanistan border are teeming with religious nutbags who 'hate us because we are free'. In addition to this bag o tricks, they are constantly nearly at war with india of kashmir and they loooove cricket.
travel advice-stay the fuck away.

Palau
Well its an island or some islands in the pacific. apart from this i have no fucking idea. famous palauns include ironclad the goldfish and seatboot the palm tree near the beach.
travel advice-when you go over the dateline, does your body know its younger/older?

Palestine
Palestine should be where israel is, but it isnt for many varied PROFOUNDLY WRONG reasons, guilt, money, phony ethnicity claims and other idiocy. Sadly, many palestinians live in desperation because of the terrorist state (israel) oppressing them in their own country. This gives the islamic religious fuckwits lots of excuses to brainwash them. Palestine these days is known mainly for the fact that it is continously a place of armed conflict.
travel advice-i would rather eat my own hairy toe knuckles than go there.

Panama
Apparently there is a panama city hotel which bob mould thought was so cool it was worth writing a song about. Panama is the skinniest bit of central america so some digging people dug a big hole in it so shipping wouldnt have to all the way around south america. Good Idea! But, as a country in central america they have to speak thththhththth and probably have very little money or tin snips.
travel advice-if you're ugly forget it, I on the other hand am fab so I am going there sometime soon

Papua New Guinea
So who was the buttock who thought this placed should be called Guinea? Does it look like a west african country? no, it bloody doesnt! It is a big island directly north from ossstraya and the last of the major islands of the chain that consists otherwise of indonesia. Unfortunately, because the indonesians are arseholes they rigged it so when the europeans pissed off, they managed to steal half of the island which they now rule via intimidation and terror and are trying to engineer the society into an indigineous minority by importing lots of javanese. This is shit and inexcusable and the silence of western countries on the matter is a fucking disgrace. Free West Papua. Incidentally, it was formerly an australian colony so we could pretend we were a big tough country like euros and yanks.
travel advice-the last known cannibals ceased munching people 40 years ago, so its probably a bit safer these days.

how to be a professional football manager... by Joe Kinnear

if it comes to the crunch we'll do lunch with the bunch from the east

these american banks and other money wankers that claim to have brought on the crunch
theyve never even heard of the crunch
sure they caused a worldwide financial meltdown
but they certainly havent been to been to the crunch
it seems they loaned money to any buttknockers that asked for it
without even receiving a postcard from the crunch
bungholes who could never afford houses and dillweeds who invested stupidly got money
i certainly didnt see any of them down the boozer at the crunch
they speculated multiple millions of dollars on things that never even existed
without so much meeting a single resident of the crunch
successive moronic governments started with a useless ex-actor let these greedy fuckers run rampant
without listening to a single record from the crunch blues band
imperilling the entire planets economy and the livelihood of billions
without once glimpsing the crunch on the horizon atop a mountain
greed, greed and more greed, these leeches live for nothing but money
and never once have they watched a documentary about wildlife at the crunch
allowed to flourish by corrupt immoral politicians who were part of the whole scam
whilst never even taking the time to learn a single word of the crunchian language
when it comes to the crunch
there are very strict banking regulations there so these scum best reform their business practices
if they hope to open a branch there!

Now for 20 indented moose elbows, Bill, name that tune!

clue.. click on the pretty picture to make it all big like....

oh my god, thats some funky shit...

They are japanese, they are stripey, they have binoculars strapped to their heads and they are playing football...It's japanese binocular football and its farking hilarious!

end of september blog

well its the end of september
a time for us all to take stock of out lives
and our cubes
the end of september pondering tradition was first started by the berber peoples in north africa
so they could all stop and count their sand
and the bloke with the most sand counted in the 24 hour period
won a tall donkey with a hump
it seems to have crossed over to european culture with the moors when they moved into southern spain
the spaniards took some time to become accustomed to it
as they could not say sand properly
thhthththththththththththandthhththththand...
but eventually some drunk english secretaries and football players showed up and enlightened them
they were good at that
and it arrived in australia with el capitano ththththronzo a couple of siglos back
now all people in this fair land take this opportunity for some navel gazing
so,
what have you done this month to your local eagle?
who have you made out of paper mache?
have you met any brazilians?
is your career careering off the rails or is it just swinging its hips seductively?
have you told your family about your plimsoll obsession?
did you save enough kidney beans for a new one?
if you look at tree, does a library clap count all of a sudden?

BIG questions!!!!
EXISTENTIAL questions!!!!
PROFOUND questions!!!!
and questions you NEED answering to make sense of a post religion world!

All this and more can be gleaned from my fab new book:
LIMEBEAVER KNOWS ALL THE ANSWERS AND YOU ARE DIM!
available for 12 easy payments of 10 Euros.
So STOP wondering what its all about
and send me your MONEY sharpish
NB food stamps are not acceptable

i have nothing to declare

zero, zilch, nowt, nil, niente, nada...

got that?

right now bog off...

i missed the point

i went to a music festival and didnt see any bands
i missed the point
i went out with a girl and spent the whole night talking to the barman about politics
i missed the point
i travelled to a foreign land and spent the whole time with australians
i missed the point
i shaved my head but not my face
i missed the point
i watched foreign language movies dubbed into english
i missed the point
i went to a posh restaurant and filled up on bread
i missed the point
i fell asleep and woke up again soon after
i missed the point
i wanted to see europe so i went to mini europe on philip island
i missed the point
i needed an idea, so i asked beavis for one
i missed the point
i smoked dope but i didnt inhale
i missed the point
i wrote a blog about missing the point but i got it spot on
i missed the point
i sold my soul to the devil but lost the receipt
i missed the point
i invaded russia in the winter but didnt take any socks
i missed the point
i sniffed glue but had a blocked nose
i missed the point
i watched a scary movie but talked throughout the frightening bits
i missed the point
i opened a can of worms but didnt go fishing
i missed the point
i changed my name but forgot the new one
i missed the point
i drank light beer
i missed the point
i listened to the smiths but didnt get depressed
i missed the point
i wanted to know what was happening in the world and bought the herald scum
i missed the point
i sought entertainment and turned on the telly to a commercial tv station
i missed the point
i ran the 400 metres but got bored and stopped at 396 metres
i missed the point
i went to britain to get a tan for my summer holiday
i missed the point
i paid a prostitute for sex then just played chess with her
i missed the point
i was a homophobe who enjoyed watching pedro almodovar films
i missed the point
i bought a whole leg of prosciutto crudo and left it for the ants to eat
i missed the point
i tied her to the railway tracks with licorice strips
i missed the point
i went to the moon on an epic voyage, but stayed in the ship and watched telly
i missed the point
i used big impressive words but i didnt know what they meant
i missed the point
a 4,230,107 metre pair of trousers rucked up
and i still missed the fucking point...

micio mania

WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
8.30 shout a lot out the back
8.35 when a maggot opens the back door, enter the house and shout briefly at the maggot
8.36 purr when receiving pats, take up position on the couch
8.38 fall asleep on the couch
10.32 rudely briefly awoken by some maggot
10.35 fall asleep on the couch
10.36-12.12 sleep on the coach, purr occasionally when patted
12.13 awaken briefly look around
12.14 fall asleep on the couch
13.35 rudely awoken from great fluffy dream
13.39 look around dazed
13.40 smell cooking bacon and leap to kitchen
13.41-13.44 shout sleepily about bacon
13.45 munch down bacon fat
13.46 lap up some water
13.47 sit in the kitchen and shout rather forlornly
13.52 give it up and get back onto couch
13.53 get comfortable but do not fall asleep, instead look around hopefully in case some bacon forthcoming
14.03-14.27 intently watch a maggot eating pasta matriciana with THAT bacon on it
14.28 give up and fall asleep on the couch
15.02 hear some bird action out back door, look up, change direction lain on couch
15.03 fall asleep on the couch (with an ear twitching if case of bird noises outside)
15.20 purr a bit and watch a maggot disappear, dont care very much
15.22 fall asleep on the couch
17.10 awoken again by a maggot, purr perfunctorily
17.11-17.37 sleep on the couch
17.38 get up, stretch very groovily, yawn quite a bit flounce about
17.44 wander around shouting, scratching at boxes, jumping on things and shouting some more
18.15 get put on top of a bookshelf
18.16 look bemused
18.25 purr, try to beat some string
18.35 try to kill a maggot that wants to help me get down
18.42 finally get down only to get around the house upside down
18.56-19.02 try to catch some cloth fish on a rope
19.05 hear noise from front door, rush there only to find a maggot with a plastic head
19.10 disappear with a casual shout out the back
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
20.54 smell something meaty on the bbq and return, shouting animatedly
21.00 shout maniacally and fling dead mouse around in the air
21.06 eat dead mouse
21.14-21.48 run around pile of leaves and sticks jumping and shouting
21.49 catch a mouse and play with it
22.13 get bored and eat mouse
22.15 enter back door looking very satisfied and licking chops
22.16 demand attention, shout and disappear into the night
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN

Portfolio eye view of the world - O

O
Oman
Oh man! Oman is a country in Asia, i think its on the Arabian Peninsula or perhaps not. Regardless it is very small and undoubtedly backwards and rubbish and islamic. The capital is Muscat, i assume that means it was named after Melbourne Victory captain, former socceroo, former captain of Millwall and general football thug, Kevin Muscat. There is also a grape variety called muscat but something tells me the arabian peninsula isnt its point of origin.
travel advice-I've got no words of wisdom!!!

Portfolio eye view of the world - N Part 2

N
New Zealand
Wella, wella, wella...wellington. There is so much and so little to say about new zealand and much more indeed to say about its inhabitants. Starting from the start, new zealand looks nothing like old zealand.. did you even know there was an old one?! It is a couple of islands floating vaguely off the eastish coast of osstraya. From all reports the scenery is spectacular, lord of the rings etc etc. Big arse mountains, fjords, umm the other things that people like to look at. People i love and respect and beavis say its really lovely, I went there when i was about 5 mins old and dont remember much and once again for 16 hours in transit and dont remember much either, except getting really drunk with some guy from jersey. Most new zealanders i have met have been quite chilled people, BUT there is a substantial portion of them that have big old chips on their shoulders about osstrayans and are excruciating about it. They can fuck right off, twats.
travel advice-if you are osstrayan, pretend to be from err madagascar, thatll throw them

Nicaragua
Vaguely famous from the eighties when there was all that political trub going down in central america. NOT FUCKING KANSAS! Sandanistas or something with godblessamerica making the usual uninvited big mess. It is only little and they do speak ththhththththt, so beware! but im thinking itd be cool to visit, so i ruddy well will then.
travel advice-look up the ththhththth in your spanish english dictionary and try to stay fashionable.

Niger
Niger let me down a few years back. For many, many moons I larfed and larfed and the larfed some more because i thought it was pronounced NIGer, oh what a grand let down that was. But the Nigerese (?) people cant be held responsible for that, as much i would like them to be. Their country is suspiciously close to Nigeria, which makes me think some shit was going down at some point or somebody had a mental block in the naming department. But Niger was a french colony in western africa as opposed to nigeria (british), so who bloody knows. it's landlocked and not far from the sahara, which sounds like a big recipe for trub soup to me.
travel advice-not everybody will be called nigel when you get there, sorry about that.

Nigeria
Is not niger with a couple of vowels banged on the end by some excitable italian. It is its own country and the most powerful country in africa, with a large population, a big army and loads of oil. It is also hopelessly corrupt, with gazillions of euros being sucked up by a dodgy and corrupt government and cronies and large parts of the population being terribly poor. To add insult to injury, the top part of the country is run by muslim lunatics who think that stoning people to death is a great idea and women deserve the same rights as a cupboard doorknob. Bad news!
Catherine told me about nigeria and i remain scared ten years later.
travel advice-ask catherine to talk some sense into you, what were you thinking butthole?

Norway
I dig norway, but i dont dig graves. A gorgeous country full of gorgeous people lots of fish! Famous for its fjords and stunning nature, norway is fab. I wanted to move there until some bloke talked sense into me in bergen and said that it sucks large ones in winter. But in summer! Dio tuo! Only in the last wotsit or so it booted out the danes and then the swedes only for those nasty nazis to show up and be right stronzi. Norway is renowned for their fab social security and tolerance. Norway was founded by a bloke called Munch! What more could you want!
travel advice-make it your only holiday for the next 20 years, its damn expensive!

i'm making your favourite tonight...

oh you beauty...

Portfolio eye view of the world- N Part 1

N
Namibia
It used to be known as german west africa until the second world war, and then it became namibia. what the fuck were the germans doing there in the first place? empire my sweaty yellow culo! they couldnt even get it right in that indiana jones film, they all got melted or something. anyway, Windhoek is the capital and apparently there are some extremely kick arse sand dunes inland and there is a coast called the skeleton coast or the boner coast or something.
travel advice-try to count all the grains of sand, thatll sort you out.

Nauru
Isnt Nauru that island made entirely of guano, ie bird shit? tee bloody hee. A whole island made of bird crap. I understand they mined their island as goano is worth loads of wonga, but they had to stop coz they were running out of island to live on! Its all very funny except they are probably going to sink under the rising oceans and it got used as an enormous refugee dumping ground by the previous fucking cunt australian government and their pacific final solution. Oh and its in the pacific, probably south eastern bit
travel advice-an island of crap, haw haw!

Nepal
Settle down you stalinist freaks, its Nepal that just got rid of its monarchy, super for nepal! If only australia were that brave. Beavis went to nepal once and flounced around with his stupid hair and saw some big mountains and grew a comedy beard. Its home of half the highest mountain on the planet, the top half, which has the traditional nepali name of mt everest. its squeezed between india and tibet (A real country). The capital is Lhasa which is not the name of a yoghurt milkshake and probably not everybody is called sherpa if you ask around.
travel advice-pay sixty grand, get half way up mt everest and then fall off and die.

The Netherlands
So it isnt called Holland any more? Is it still okay to call the locals dutch, or will they beat you up for calling them a name that sounds uncomfortably like that of their big, bad bullyboy neighbours? The capital is Hamsterdam where everybody goes and gets stoned, except me. For such a tiny country they sure have kicked a lot of arse of the centuries (and worn a lot of orange). they had an extensive colonial deal including south africa, indonesia, surinam and other bits. They came up with loads of artists, musicians and beer and then they killed anne frank. You can find a lot more than clogs, windmills, dope and sex there too, you just have to look around. I accidentally found naked people in a park! Home to Denis Bergkamp-legend car!
travel advice-the dutch are way cool people, just hang out and have a chat.

A due pezzenti

Mi fate schifo, ho sempre voluto dirvilo da quasi dieci anni ormai. La vostra poverta di imaginazione e di intelletualita vi rende persone idegne di communicare con le gente civilizata. Voi due appartenete ad un mondo che non esiste piu. I vostri cosidetto morali sono moribunde e patetici. Avete fatto niente altro che allontanare la vostra unica figlia, la vostra unica ragione di essere. Che tristezza, mi fareste pena e se non mi foste stati cosi maleducati avrei la pieta per voi. Ma no, da scelta vostra avete effetivamente perso qualsiasi speranza di tenere vicina e sotto vostro controllo. Hai reso impossible che vi respetta piu. Quindi per il vostro stesso comportamente avete rovinato l'unica cosa che vi importa. Ogni volta avete provate di reprendere controllo con un altro gioco ineffetuale, l'avete spinta sempre piu lontano. Siete patetici.
A parte tutta questa, la vostra comportamente nel mio confronto e' stata veramente tremendo. Dall'inizio non avete provato ad capirmi, Anche se non avevate mai avuto la possibilita di comprendermi. Siete due persone incapaci di rendersi conto di dove vengo, come ragiono e le mie orrizonti intelletuali. Siete pezzenti e' basta. Senza avere mai viaggiati fuori del vostro paese come vi avevate permetteti di aggiudicarmi, di decidere che non ero degno della vostra figlia? Non avete nessun'idea di quanto ho voluto sputtarvi in faccia le vostre stupidaggine e maleducazioni. Solamente per il rispetto dei desideri sui che non vi ho rinfacciato le vostre stupidita ed ignoranza. Avrei potuto smembrarvi verbalmente, dipingere un ritratto di quanto siete primitivi, lo vostra cristianita e' una credenza dei deficenti. Siete creduloni e insignificanti creaturi che non valete che vi sputo in faccia.
La cosa piu bella per me sara' la vostra tristezza nella vecchiaia che vi aspetta la vostra figlia sara sempre remota e non si fidera mai piu di voi. Ogni giorno che vi passa risultera un giorno perso in cui non avete fatto niente di valore e' la vostra unica speranza di felicita sara sempre piu lontana, e questo, cari sciocci rimane sempre colpa vostra
Andate e fanculo

somebody was giving me grief the other day...

So I sorted them well out
I gave them a bit of stick!
boom FUCKING boom!

who is that cattish chap with his smalls on the outside?

faster than a speeding topo
more powerful than a CERN atom smasher
able to leap up onto the roof from the divding brick wall in a single bound
Look! Look! Just fucking look dammit! out the back shouting loudly wanting to come in
its a dead bird, its a barbecue on an angle, its Micio Man!

Yes, its Micioman- strange visitor from another back yard who came to Leon Springs with powers and a fluffy ickle tummy far beyond those of mortal men. MicioMan- who can change the course of fly buzzing around the telly, scratch that box near the other copmuter with his bare claws, and who, disguised as Cookie, mild manner furball for one of those houses over the back of the alley, fights the never ending battle for salmon, bacon fat and having his nose rubbed in the the most delightful way...

genius, pure genius...

if only i had known about this magnificent place a year ago... sigh

Portfolio eye view of the world- M Part 3

Moldova
Im not too sure about Moldova, in fact for ages i thought it was either a made up country in the tintin books by herge or invented by the working dog people. But it turns out to be real and really quite small. Somewhere near the black sea (or not) and formerly part of the USSR blah blah. The capital is not called bastardville east.
travel advice-a passport rammed up your arse is as good as no passport at all

Monaco
A country? I could have sworn it was just a principality. Anyway its more a farce. A couple of hundred years back it was part of the territory of Genova-La Supeba. And until somebody built a casino there it was a nothing at all, much less glamorous than San Remo over the Italian border. But they did and there was the whole James Bond thing and it hasnt looked back. A big tax haven and run by the Grimaldi family (also genovese) and got more famous when there was a F1 grand prix hosted there and some famous movie bint married into the royal 'ahem' family.
travel advice-keep off the grass, no really, there are signs everywhere telling you to.

Mongolia
Genghis, Kubla and Trevor Khan were all leaders of this north eastern asian former power house. From the plateaus and their tents 'Yurts' they kicked chinese arse so much that the chinese built big lego walls that didnt really do the trick and were forced to shout out 'god damn shitty mongorians!' in exasperation. They also kicked arse all across asia right into central europe, Austria if you dont mind and scared the crap out of everybody on the way with their head chopping carrying on and general brutality. They also built a big kick arse city which was unheard of for a nomadic peoples. The capital is ulaan bator and i suspect 'inner mongolia' was stolen by the chinese because they just looove doing that.
travel advice-dont wander around shouting out goddam shitty mongolians, just a hunch.

Montenegro
Black mountain is it? Something like that if you take its name quasi literally in latin form, but as this is a portfolio eye view of the world not a latin one, bugger off. Its in the balkans, you know the deal, yugslavia, war, for some reason they stuck togther with Serbia after all the carnage but bailed afterwards. The smallest of the ex yugslav countries, with only 600,000 inhabitants, they still have a pretty handy football team.
travel advice-if you cut off your legs, they will not grow back, you are NOT a snail.

Morocco
I have met a lot of moroccans and almost exclusively they have been complete buttheads. But people i know and respect have been there several times and rabbit on about how fab it is. Mahgreb maschmeb. Its the westernmost country of northern africa, just across the med from gibraltar and french speaking. But chock full of nutty muslims which undermine moroccos attempts to be open to the world. Lots and lots of moroccans migrated illegaly to mediterannean europe, spain is full of them, as is france and italy and they are not particularly loved. This is partially to do with racism but more to do with the fact that the imigrants seem to hold zero respect for the host countries, which is WELL fucked up! AND they keep trying to claim Western Sahara even though its patently not theirs.
travel advice-i hear the atlas mountains are pretty fab, but i hear a lot of stuff.

Mozambique
I'm thinking that mozambique would be a fab place to visit, It certainly wouldnt have been until recently coz of all the civil wars and general chaos that follow on from being a portuguese colony. Facing Madagascar on the eastern coast of africa I just bet they have some fab bleaches and wotnot. I cannot expand because I am just so relieved these mofo M's are over...
travel advice-say jzjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjzzzzzzzzzzzzz a lot and see if you are understood or just locked up.

Portfolio eye view of the world - M Part 2

M Part 2
Malta
Its the home of all things hairy. Camel for one and my Maltese-in-law Steve. A little island in between sicily and africa, which is a very strategic location and great, except that everybody else including hitler every other bungsnap who wants to control the mediteranean thinks so too. There are really, really old ruins there, like a whole village of stonehenges and it was also home to the templar nights who had secret handshakes and kept jesus's butt crack on ice.
travel advice-do go around ragging on rocks, they like them there.

Marshall Islands
Not to be confused with the malcolm marshall islands or marshall mathews the 19th islands, or the mr marshallsea islands for that matter. Now all that is cleared up I cant tell you a fecking thing about the marshall islands as i dont know a fecking thing. I know they are islands and they are in the in the pacific and they probably got invaded by godbless america during world war 2 because they know better.
travel advice-take your arm floaties with you and fill them with sausage meat, so the sharks can smell you from a distance

Mauritania
Central north western sub saharan africa, its probably hot and sandy, i think they speak french and they probably have very little money. Err, that'll be that then. I expect loads of hate mail from my many mauritanian readers, so instead of carrying on about my ignorance why not send me a history of mauritania to make my life easier you bastards!?! I dont see you guys writing blogs about australia now, do i?!
travel advice-take a map, a compass and a camel and an OWWWLLLL

Mauritius
Its french, no it isnt, its british, no it isnt... its mauritius! In the indian ocean and just off the coast of madagascar. Lots of people go there for beach holidays and to eat fab seafood, which sounds like a damn good idea to me. Somebody i forgot went there for their honeymoon, it may have been emiliana and her bloke, and he didnt eat seafood, what a buttock! I do know they have an airline which offers good deals and i dig the loacation, so 13 earwigs on the wall rating.
travel advice- eat the bloody seafood for fucks sake!

Mexico
Yay for mexico! Its in north america although lots of ignorant buttocks think its in south america because they speak a 'funny' language. Its a big long country, the fact which i learned after planning to drive from top to bottom then seeing a proper map, you muppet! They do speak ththththh, but thats not their fault. Lots of people are trying to break into godblessamerica from mexico, which is an understandable pity, but mexico is a much, much cooler country, they just dont have any money! Beavis and I invaded mexico in alfonse and drove around like muppets not being able to ththth at anybody. Still we did get high and watch the big lebowski and see the barranca del cobre, the copper canyons. Apart from this there is all that fab aztec and mayan stuff which is simply blinding.
travel advice-blame the bloody spanish for killing off the locals, they were right bastards as they were everywhere else they went.

Micronesia
No, its not Polynesia or Melanesia or Nadonesia so at least we have established that. It's name suggests that as far as nesias go, its probably a bit on the small side. Like its fellow nesias, its in the pacific and consists of islands.
travel advice-ask them how to get to macronesia.. im sure thatd be a fab joke (unless there really is one and they are sworn enemies of micronesia, in which case they might kick your arse with an iron boot)

that's because you're inchoherent most of the time

gnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk
gnrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffffffff
gswwwwwwwwwwwwink
parrrrrrrrp
gummmmmmmmmmmmmmmpf
sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeta
diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrku
wnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
kssssssssssssssssssssssfffffriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyomppppppppppppppffffffffffffff
grrrrrrrrrrrrrgrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggg
my other car is a milk float with a flame thrower strapped on the front
so vvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafuncholoooooooooooooooooooooooo

Portfolio eye view of the world-M Part 1

M (Part 1)

Macedonia
The land of Tanya. If she is a fair representative sample, well Macedonia is full of very intelligent and batty people. Until explodey fun times of the 1990's it was a part of Yugoslavia and then blah blah blah. Of course the greeks dont like them calling their country that name, so they had to be called the artist formerly known as the former yugoslav republic of macedonia. The greeks claim they own the name and have a region called that too. why the cheeky slavs wanted a macedonia of their own ive no idea. I hope this situation has been resolved coz it caused tanya loads of problems with visas and wotnot. Skopje is the capital in case you were curious.
Travel advice-dont go looking for tanya there, shes in brazil or something

Madagascar
The setting for that famous book about the european that got washed up there and kept as an oddity by the local kings some centuries back. The book was a huge hit in europe but sadly turned out to be a hoax. Madagascar is a fab big island of the african coast in the indian ocean and i suspect home to some pretty funky wildlife. Definitely where recently the oldest fish ever was spotted, and it looked like bob hawke with a hangover.
Travel advice-swing a cat, i am sure theres enough room there for it.

Malawi
Malawi is great! There's a big malawi fan right here. It is one of the poorest countries in the world but with lovely shiny funky people. Malawi is bordered on one side by Lake Malawi (great name that), which is one of the biggest freshwater bodies on the erf. I learned to scuba dive there and couldnt see a bloody thing but got munched on the finger by an otter! The lake has spectacular beaches and there are kids that sell cobs of marywarner for bargain prices!
Yay for malawi!
Travel advice-go there, now. stop fucking about and go to the airport and get a ticket to lilongwe, now!

Malaysia
Yes it is isnt it? South east asia to a SEA. The end of the peninsula, (the malay pensinsula?) and the top slice of borneo and probably some islands make up malaysia. It is a muslim state (ho fucking hum) but at least it is vaguely democratic, not if you are mr anwar the former deputy pm. He got charged with bottomtouchytouchy which doesnt go down well in such places, but it was all a scam to keep him out of power. I have spent many quality hours in Kuala Lumpur airport so I am officially an expert on the country. I also hung out briefly in kota kinabalu airport and it looked bloody lovely outside, beaches and palms etc.
Travel advice - it would be a fab place for a beach holiday, but just dont get too homosexual or you might get in trub.

Maldives
All eleventy of them. A group of island not that far away from sri lanka or india in the indian ocean. Catherine lived there working as a wolverine dental assistant for quite a few moons and her photos and other evidence show it to be absofuckinglutely lush. All that postcard beach stuff. The only problem i can see is that its not easy or cheap to get to. To get to catherines island, you had to fly to north buttstan, catch a midnight goat express to Male and then swim backstroke with your nostril hairs across shark infested seas to get there. Probably worth the effort mind.
Travel advice- go there, lie down and suck it up.

Mali
Its big and its sandy and its a fair chunk of subsaharn west africa. It is home to the fabulously fabtastic city, Timbuktu. This city was pretty much the centre of the muslim worlds knowledge, at such a time when it had any. At this time it was ahead of europe before europe became enlightened and managed to largely throw off the shackles of christianity and the muslim world stagnated in the pitiful thing that is islam. These days timbuktu is small and mostly a big sand pit but 500 years ago it was fabled in both civilaztions until somehow it ended up being known as a good name for somewhere that probably didnt exist.
travel advice-byo ancient scrolls, you would think that as they are lying around under the sand they would be a bargain, but no!

help... again.. simon's forcing me to write a blog... again

it must be that time of year again - where simon's forcing me to write a blog. but how do you compete with philosophical masterpieces like "keith puts it in deep" ??? It seems to be at the forefront of Simon's mind at the moment, so if anyone has an answer could you please write in. Or better yet, if Kieth himself could shed some light on the matter Simon's moble number is 666.

that'll do me for now.....

keith puts it in deep...

he does you know
i have seen the written proof
it was documented on the underside of the top bunk
in a youth hostel
in interlaken switerland
I imagine that now a lot of people know about keith
and how he puts it in
(deep)
I mean
that was a very busy hostel
and it was a sturdy bunk bed arrangement
at least 2 people could sleep under it
on the bottom bunk
even perhaps 3
well at a pinch
it does beg the question
who inscribed this philosphical masterpiece ?
was it keith?
was it somebody in whoms camper he put it in deep?
was it an innocent bystander to this putting in?
was it somebody who met somebodys brother saw keith doing so in a movie?
the possibilities are endless
or is that mindless
and what was it that he put?
and what did he put it deep in?
the whole thing can make one feel pretty insignificant really
how to find more about this holy grail of literature and knowedge?
i bore witness to this great written fact in 1995
who knows how many had slept there before me?
or if that bed is still in use
at least a couple of thousand
i would imagine...
and most of them whilst lying on their backs
would have noted this grand pronouncement
and all these people
from all over the world
it was a youth hostel for farks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
have learned this great wisdom
and then returned to their countries
most probably via a dozen or so other countries
and spread the good word
about keith
and how he put it in...



my addition to this great wall of genius
was a mere
'there no such thing as remindlessness...'
which i hoped added something small to this revolutionary thinkers pre-dater of the internet
even if that something was completely stolen...

all power to you keith...

abandonment issues, the album

marty willson-king jr said
i had a riff...
i was in africa
where it began
in africcccacccaaa
but at some point it seemed a bit south america
as part of a small group tour
but hopefully without jimmy barnestorming
in a small town bang in the middle of nowhere
i was sleeping in a room
wake up all and the group had gone
lock, stock and snatch
bags and all
where to ?
i wondered, not yet perturbed
beavis had joined us for a couple of weeks
but he was nowhere to be seen either
he had disappeared the day before
but i only knew is now
go out to shop office
in rising panic i head to the office
nobody had left any information for me
theres a car out the front, red and small
no bags in it
but there kind of should be some
back inside the shop
talking bad spanish to the shopkeeper/hotel lady
one of the girls comes in
with dyed blonde hair
i ask her what has gone on?
she mumbles some platitudes
didnt like me hanging out withe beavis
snoring
some oher stuff
then scarpers, slowly but still too quick for me
i follow as best i can
around the back she boards a luxury yacht
with all the other guys
and they set sail
leaving me standing breathless
dismayed and sbigotitto
some wave goodbye
some looking regretful
there are others in the boat
they look on at me with indifference
i have no idea if they will come back
its a big, big lake
it could be the mouth of a river
back inside i am desperately asking chick for info
she is vague, doesnt know anything
or doesnt want to know anything
my bad spanish and panic make it impossible to decifer
i am completely lost
no maps, guide books or friends
i wanted to go the high mountains of tanzania
NOT THE UKRAINAN ONES!!!
BLOODY CROSSED WIRES!~!!
i truly dont know what to do
the lady disappears off to shower
i wander around the office looking at maps atlases
all of australia, bridges and outback!
maybe vietnam
australia on world map keep crashing into other countires
so utterly confused and alone
what did i do?

Portfolio eye view of the world - L

L

Laos
Its not that big, and its not that little. Its kind of landlocked in indochinelandia. (thus known because the frenchypeople were its colonial, ahem, 'masters' Being next door to vietnam meant that it got in all kinds of trub with the godblessamericans during the vietnam war. Most likely they speak loatian or laozzzzz, which i suspect might be tricky to learn for somebody who speaks only firstworldish. I fancy it would be a fun place to visit, but i dont know if they think i would be a fun person to have in the kitchen with my smelly feet. Can anybody tell me if the 's' is pronounced or not?!
travel advice-the last treefungus to thailand leaves on thursdays at 48 oclock sharp

Latvia
Latvia is over there, on the baltic (or at least very near it). Having been next door to russia meant the usual grief of being thumped and oppressed by the big bad neighbour. The capital is Riga and apparently its one of the next new fashionable location for the silly english looking for a place to get drunk and show their fat bellies to horrified locals. It might have been where it went horrible wrong for napoleons attempt to take on russia in the winter, where gazillions were left to die of starvation in the snow whilst he ponced off to paris to snort croissants off his waiters' behinds.
travel advice-check out a reputable source, coz i cant do nothing for you man...

Lebanon
Perilously located north of 'israel', and suffering from the meddling hands of syria, lebanon is a cracking example of how dodgy it is to be in the middle east. During the 80's this nation and its capital, Beirut became a symbol of religious tensions, terrorism and sheer horrific violence for the whole area. A constant war between shia muslims, sunni muslims, christians, droogs and horse lovers destroyed the place and the lives of its citizens. Isnt religion just FAB! Lebanon was the land of the Phoenecians, who kicked trading arse all over the mediteranean and left beirut with fanastic cultural melting pot, until it all went horribly wrong. In recent times the israelis blew it to shit completely unecessarily and the syrians blew up a prime minister.
travel advice-fingers crossed things have picked up a bit lately.

Lesotho
Is it real or is it an invention of apartheid south africa? Boh. It is only a little landlocked state within the borders of south africa, with extreme poverty and a ruler who has 1015 wives. Maybe he needs a nice hot chocolate and a little lie down and to think about his subjects instead of snogging all the time.
travel advice-what would you miss if you didnt go there?

Liberia
Beavis partially enlightened me about this, see how dangerous he is when he reads a book!?! Only a small country on the coast of west africa. It gots its name as it was pretty much invented to be a homeland for free slaves in the americas. Liberia-Liberty, geddit? Anyway, they showed up and decided they were now the hard men about town and that they should run the place, treating the original inhabitants like shite. Sigh, really big fucking sigh.
travel advice-sit up straight on the back of the bus

Libya
Libya, Fibia thats what i say. It's on the north coast of africa between Tunisia and Egypt and the location of some of the most spectacular roman ruins anywhere, ever, that goes by the name of fucked-if-i-know. (but i would like to check it out). Libya is famous for its tent shagging leader mohammedingdong gadaffi, who happily allowed the PLO to get its shit together and sponsored all kinds of terrorist acts including most famously the pan am 747 blown out of the sky over lockerbie, scotland. Mysteriously in recent times he became a top bloke and a big old mate of the western world because he promised not nuke anybody, yeah really.
travel advice-go look at aforementioned ruins and then make a big fuckoff sandcastle

Liechtenstein
Come on now, get serious. Its just being silly here. A nation? more like a toenail. Its sandwiched between switzerland and austria and its tiny, really bloody tiny. The capital is vadusz and they have a football team that plays in switzerland. It has a population of 3 and a cat and lots of money from banking its brains out.
travel advice-on the train from switzerland to austria dont blink or you will miss your stop and the whole country.

Lithuania
Without wishing to be glib, i think one could pretty much cut and paste the information for Latvia here. That would be no doubt ignoring literally thousands of years of history of which i know aboslutely nothing. In keeping with my stated intention i shall do no research, so gnar gnar to you. So, baltic, ex soviet victim and probably rather chilly willy in wintertime. apologies to all my myriad of lithuanian readers.
travel advice-wrap your hamster up in newspaper and call him trevor

Luxembourg
Speaking of silly little countries, here comes luxembourg all dressed in invasion. The smallest part of benelux (if indeed such a thing actually exists), it is situated between france and germany, which when you think about it, hasnt been the happiest locale in the 20th century. The capital is the ingeniously name 'luxembourg' and its really, really, rather pretty. With castles and valleys and pretty green things all around. Much better than a smash in the cheekbone magazine, so good for them.
travel advice-live it up baby! smile at a luxembourger on the street, they might just smile back at you.

badda badda boom went the mikey

it turned out that i was so nervous/excitable/alive that i got spots
i simply have never heard of that happening
i mean
sure
it happened to jehovis
but she is jehovis
and i am not
took the teddanssonvismobile to the hotel
where the boys were in the boys room
and the girls were in the girls room
sniffing pavement
johnny's on the drumkit?
all dressed up
i was the only one
the lights, camera, action crew showed up
documenting everybloodything
daves stripy smalls
blokes putting on ties
all jazz
then there was a bit more photo shoot
but madonna was stoned
on the way the worlds most redundant limo trip
it was at least ... well... 400 metres
then we hung out the front
what for im not exactly sure
more photos then inside to wait
and wait
and wait a bit more
the hall filled slowly
and then we took our places in the line
and stood for ever
while the wedding song played
everybody looked expectantly at the dooooooh
nothing
it played again finally something happened
girls of various varieties goose stepped through
my back hurt
the lady in question
or the questionable lady showed
lots of oooh and aaahhhs
looking fantasticus
and the real business started
connor moo dropped the ring, twice
and lots of we love you
you love we
i love thee business went on
i wondered if it were possible to have a back attack
sweating and whispering
a dodgy audience member said that all the other waiters looked sombre or smiley
whilst i was fidgety and chatty
sounds about right
finally it was over
and we all walked out again
at least around the corner
only to come back in
im not sure how that worked...
a few more photos
and bokko, the bar was open
got a neckin the hooooooooergaaaaaaaaaaaaarden
slightly bland hoooooeeergarden...
hmm strange
then it was speechy time
the microfone sucked
i did my best
dont know how pished it all sounded
im sure its well documented
it failed and floundered as the speechy bits went on
i did a bit of that too
just not as good at projected voice as some
connor kept kicking me on the legs
ickle bugger
the vibe was gude tho
and then it was drinkie time
the bar took a real belting
as did my rubbish spanish to the columbian waity people
a bit of a blur after that
lots of rushing about getting more and more beer in
getting more visits to the toilet in
getting more fags in
speaking to him and her
at some point the cake was cut
and beavis got incoherent
jehovis spoke rubbish
somebody tied me up with balloons
which unfortunately ran off my earrings
which at the end of the night really bummed me out
then we all went off to find more booze
bars were closed and i was thinking foolhardy things
up to the room
when i finally had enuff
tried to make teddansonvis leave
but he couldnt possibly make a decision
finally we scarpered
the wedding was over
they were married
but nobody was talking about mary
in the end
whats the difference though?
boh

could this be the coolest name for an album possible?

Taking Drugs To Make Music To Take Drugs to
by Spacemen 3

wedding party anything to get some free hoergaarden

today somebody is getting married
its not me
in fact today probably lots of people are getting married
nobody is getting married
we are talking about mary
i gotta put my special wedding kit on (not tackle)
ponce around
stand there and try not to giggle
then make speeches and generally tell people what to do
im sure i will hate that...
in the meantime quaffing lots of yummy belgian beers
hoergarden, leffe and some some berry flavoured beer
phwoooooooooooooooooooooooooar
going to get all prettied up
suited and booted
shaven and err maven
then take the beavmobile to st kilda road
star in photos
sign a few autographs
fend off the mobbing ladies
with a big stick
then on with the show..
im a tad nervous
the whole public speaking thing
i know im pretty good at it
but i still feel a little nervy
no doubt i will be the beau of the balle
o qualche cazzata del genere...

www.blogyoulike.com

its obviously not this one so fuck right off...

why not olympic booger flicking then?

In case you haven't noticed
the olympics are here there and everywhere
they are being hosted by china
and the olympics which have the aims of being nice and not being utter prick
are allowed to be hosted by the chinese 'communist' government
solely for the purpose of showing off how good they are at indoctrination
and stealing children from their beds to make them sports stars whether they like or not
what a fucking disgrace
speaking of disgraces
how about some of these fab 'sports' they have on these days
i dont know (and i refuse to find out) what the dictionary definition of sport is
but i think the envelope has been todgered right off the desk into the fireplace with some of these
How about BMX fucking biking
an osstrayan competitor has legally changed his name to 'KAMIKAZE'
i fucking kid you not!
yes, nicole kidman can make a comeback along with all the rest of those tough kids
and win an olympic wreath, nay medal
for riding their dinky little 'bicycle motor cross' thing around a block of land
that was probably requisitioned for 'urgent national pride' from some poor farmer dude
where is the concrete bowl so they can 'drop in'?
along with all the other grown ups on their skateboards
what a bulkace gnarlirad boneless into a handplant screams bwuce mcavaney
or roller blades for that matter
why arent there medals for going backwards along beaconsfield parade and being a huge wanker
hoping desperately that somebody is looking at you?
is if having cross country biking wasnt bad enough...
and it bloody IS!!!
Another top notch 'sport' is synchronised swimming
girlies in sparkly outfits and pegged noses
with their stuck on smiles
wibble about underwater
then stick their legs, or heads or whatever other bit of them out of the water
so free willis can jump over them...
(that would be a sport)
so, why not olympic soggy biscuit competition then, huh?!
speaking of soggy biscuits
I miss the point entirely of beach volleyball
and the suspicion of being had becomes a sledgehammer to the forehead of being had
when you note that the ladies playing wear only the skimpiest little bikinis
which are apparently legislated in all measurements
whilst the blokes can wear their VB singlets and footy shorts
I dont see any ads in the paper for beach newcomb....
did they mislead us in primary school....?
and where is the beach cricket then?
or kick to kick aussie rules on the beach?
There was much sadness absofuckinglutely nowhere when the news came out that baseball
and its frankly hilarious girly sister softball are to be booted from the olympics
ooh boo fucking hoo
baseball, that world game that is played in godblessamerica (hang on, isnt that the whole world?)
and almost nowhere else
and then the softball
i assume it was invented because somebody figured that girlies are too pretty and feeble to play with a baseball
so they got a big furry tennis ball
and a pitcher that winds up like asterix about to biff a roman centurion
and then lobs in Underfuckinghand to the battterperson
what a crock of christmas
arent the lady athletes a bit embarassed that they are playing a condescending sandpit game?
why not olympic rounders
or that ultimate test of skil and stamina,
T-Ball ?
as im not chinese, thank steve
i cant see how table tennis is an olympic sport either
its something you do after school
out in the carport with your twat mates
making up stupid names
how can you be serious about standing around a dinner table
with police traffic paddles trying not to laugh?
when will they bring on olympic around-the-world table tennis?
for that matter
olympic darts and pool
games where you can get drunk and win a bit of metal
untill you accidentally drop it down the loo at the pub
then drop your mobile in too whilst you are fishing around down there...
this im sure is far from a comprehensive list of daft things called 'sport' being 'played' at the olypmics
so go find your own and have your own rant...
beh

Portfolio eye view of the world- K

K
Kazakhstan
The Kazakhi national anthem.. (ahem)

kazakhstan greatest country in the world
all other countries are run by little girls
kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium
other countries have inferior potassium

kazakhstan home of dipshit swimming pool
it's length thirty metre and width six metre
filtration system a marvel to behold
it remove 18 percent of human solid waste

kazakhstan, kazakhstan, you very nice place
from plains of tarashenk, to northern fence of jewtown
kazakhstan friend of all except uzbekistan
they very nosey people with bone in their brain

kazakhstan industry best in world
we invented toffee and the trouser belt
kazakhstan prostitutes cleanest in the region
except of course for turkmenistan's

kazakhstan, kazakhstan, you very nice place
from plains of tarashenk, to northern fence of jewtown
come grasp the mighty penis of our leader
from junction with the testes to tip of it's face

Travel advice-I wouldnt mention a particular film if i were you...

Kenya
After only recently escaping from hurricane beavis it seems that Kenya is getting back on its national feet. Compared to that, the nasty, pasty politcal/genocidal behaviour of a couple of years back was nowt, zilch, zero. I got chased around a pub by kenyan prostitutes, one even followed me into the toilets, apparently they all have aids, sigh. I didn't hang around long, but Nairobi is a very strange place, looks like it could be a new world city, only that people stopped looking after it 30 years ago. In kenya you can go to the beach in mombassa, or see crazy animals on safari, instead I went to the hard rock cafe.(it wasn't my decision dammit!)
Travel advice-stay away from the north of the country because the muslim nutters from somalia are infiltrating and we know what that means boys and girls!

Kiribati
Sure it is. An island (some islands?) in the pacific with not many people I am guessing. Probably in big trub with rising ocean levels and all that biz. Poor buggers
Travel advice-go ask a travel agent bunghole!

Korea (North)
An unfortunate country in asia, unfortunate in the sense that its near china and run by a stalinist nut job who loves elvis and western movies. He treats the whole show like his own personal fiefdom and the north koreans live total isolation and extreme poverty, some even escape to china which shows just how shit it must be. There was the first substantial bit of WW2 cold war biffo there which then invented MASH for us. Their 'great' leader starred in the film 'Team America' and sung this fab song:

I was sent from planet Xiron to conquer the earth

I had a terrific plan — I thought it would work

Tried to get the Earthlings all to kill each other you see

But it all went wrong and now I must decree…

You are worthless Alec Baldwin, you are worthless Alec Baldwin

You failed in every way and now my stock in you has fallen

Your career is stallin’ and you’re worthless Alec Baldwin

That’s why I blew your head off and your children are all bawlin’

Planet Xiron is inhabited with Xipods like me

But also with Balmacs who are giant bees

The Xipods and Balmacs are at constant war

So we wanted a new home and that’s what Earth was for

But you are worthless Alec Baldwin, you are worthless Alec Baldwin

You fucked up my whole plan and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac pollen

Your garbage needs some haulin’ and you’re worthless Alec Baldwin

Now I must return home a failure — I’m afraid the pit of Kryrok is callin’…

But it seems he failed in conquering the world...sigh
Travel Advice-go there, assassinate Kim Jong Turd and escape with a jetpack!

Korea (south)
They didnt get the kim jong turd treatment luckily for them, but they did get stuck with a nutjob neighbour constantly threatening to nuke them and near neighbours with great recent humanitarian records, china and japan. Still, apparently everything is pretty good in South Korea, they have a functioning democracy and they are allowed to protest about american cows in an orderly manner. I once met a south Korean in mexico that spoke spanish, how very confusing.
Travel advice-don't expect people to love you just because you saw that film 'my teacher, mr kim', it just doesnt happen

Kuwait
It is just little really and plonked on the bottom of Iraq, which is not a great place to find yourself. I am not sure whether Kuwait really existed or was just invented to piss off saddam hussein. Anyway, it worked and he invaded it and fucked everybody over until godblessamerica showed up nad got to be a big bully again. Another muslim country, unfortunately for them (particularly the women) but a rich one in this case because of the oil business.
Travel advice-don't tell them you are saddam hussains fourth cousin, unless you want to stop existing.

Kyrgyzstan
It's a stan, and probably a minor one at that. Hence the usual guff, central asia, former soviet satellite state and something about stans in general. They do seem to have an awful lot of consonants though, dont they? Maybe vowels are really pricey in kyrgyzstan?
Travel advice-before going there, change your own name to stan, just to fit in like...

dave's buckets night

that was a first
ive never done that before
i have missed the bus once tho
went out for a buckets night
or a stagger night
i imagine they are the same thing
perhaps its a uk/us/oz thing
i guess they are supposed to be big and manly
and single
with their big horns and errr fur or something
i would have preferred if it was called moose night
or goat night
and whats with hens nights
bucks and hens?
what kind of animal farm nightmare is that
it'd never work
bungholes
anyway, whilst the hens were out henning
wandering around the farmyard pecking up maggots
i went to the buckets thing
in the ciudad de melbourne
at a pub i had never heard of
called the bung and hole
a bit dodgy really
we sat around in a blokey circle and drank beer
we wandered outside and smoked fags
we went downstairs and went to the lavatory
then we moved downstairs to our own big room
where we sat around and drank beer etc etc
until the poker ladies showed up
and we played poker, drank beer, etc etc
then a lot more drinking happened
which i somehow missed
more poker
more stealing other peoples chips
more drinking
we ate pizza
a stripper showed up
and it was actually very funny
then we got the boot
and i planned to steal 700 pizza bits
and tried to finish all the left over beer
we then set off to the next pub
but it was pretty hazy
i was tired and poor and rather drunk
then a scuffle broke out in a who is the biggest bogan contest
and that was the cue to tram it damnit
then miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccioooooooooooo

my great great great great grandfather

was an indigenous australian...
how fucking cool is that?!