Portfolio eye view of the world - L

L

Laos
Its not that big, and its not that little. Its kind of landlocked in indochinelandia. (thus known because the frenchypeople were its colonial, ahem, 'masters' Being next door to vietnam meant that it got in all kinds of trub with the godblessamericans during the vietnam war. Most likely they speak loatian or laozzzzz, which i suspect might be tricky to learn for somebody who speaks only firstworldish. I fancy it would be a fun place to visit, but i dont know if they think i would be a fun person to have in the kitchen with my smelly feet. Can anybody tell me if the 's' is pronounced or not?!
travel advice-the last treefungus to thailand leaves on thursdays at 48 oclock sharp

Latvia
Latvia is over there, on the baltic (or at least very near it). Having been next door to russia meant the usual grief of being thumped and oppressed by the big bad neighbour. The capital is Riga and apparently its one of the next new fashionable location for the silly english looking for a place to get drunk and show their fat bellies to horrified locals. It might have been where it went horrible wrong for napoleons attempt to take on russia in the winter, where gazillions were left to die of starvation in the snow whilst he ponced off to paris to snort croissants off his waiters' behinds.
travel advice-check out a reputable source, coz i cant do nothing for you man...

Lebanon
Perilously located north of 'israel', and suffering from the meddling hands of syria, lebanon is a cracking example of how dodgy it is to be in the middle east. During the 80's this nation and its capital, Beirut became a symbol of religious tensions, terrorism and sheer horrific violence for the whole area. A constant war between shia muslims, sunni muslims, christians, droogs and horse lovers destroyed the place and the lives of its citizens. Isnt religion just FAB! Lebanon was the land of the Phoenecians, who kicked trading arse all over the mediteranean and left beirut with fanastic cultural melting pot, until it all went horribly wrong. In recent times the israelis blew it to shit completely unecessarily and the syrians blew up a prime minister.
travel advice-fingers crossed things have picked up a bit lately.

Lesotho
Is it real or is it an invention of apartheid south africa? Boh. It is only a little landlocked state within the borders of south africa, with extreme poverty and a ruler who has 1015 wives. Maybe he needs a nice hot chocolate and a little lie down and to think about his subjects instead of snogging all the time.
travel advice-what would you miss if you didnt go there?

Liberia
Beavis partially enlightened me about this, see how dangerous he is when he reads a book!?! Only a small country on the coast of west africa. It gots its name as it was pretty much invented to be a homeland for free slaves in the americas. Liberia-Liberty, geddit? Anyway, they showed up and decided they were now the hard men about town and that they should run the place, treating the original inhabitants like shite. Sigh, really big fucking sigh.
travel advice-sit up straight on the back of the bus

Libya
Libya, Fibia thats what i say. It's on the north coast of africa between Tunisia and Egypt and the location of some of the most spectacular roman ruins anywhere, ever, that goes by the name of fucked-if-i-know. (but i would like to check it out). Libya is famous for its tent shagging leader mohammedingdong gadaffi, who happily allowed the PLO to get its shit together and sponsored all kinds of terrorist acts including most famously the pan am 747 blown out of the sky over lockerbie, scotland. Mysteriously in recent times he became a top bloke and a big old mate of the western world because he promised not nuke anybody, yeah really.
travel advice-go look at aforementioned ruins and then make a big fuckoff sandcastle

Liechtenstein
Come on now, get serious. Its just being silly here. A nation? more like a toenail. Its sandwiched between switzerland and austria and its tiny, really bloody tiny. The capital is vadusz and they have a football team that plays in switzerland. It has a population of 3 and a cat and lots of money from banking its brains out.
travel advice-on the train from switzerland to austria dont blink or you will miss your stop and the whole country.

Lithuania
Without wishing to be glib, i think one could pretty much cut and paste the information for Latvia here. That would be no doubt ignoring literally thousands of years of history of which i know aboslutely nothing. In keeping with my stated intention i shall do no research, so gnar gnar to you. So, baltic, ex soviet victim and probably rather chilly willy in wintertime. apologies to all my myriad of lithuanian readers.
travel advice-wrap your hamster up in newspaper and call him trevor

Luxembourg
Speaking of silly little countries, here comes luxembourg all dressed in invasion. The smallest part of benelux (if indeed such a thing actually exists), it is situated between france and germany, which when you think about it, hasnt been the happiest locale in the 20th century. The capital is the ingeniously name 'luxembourg' and its really, really, rather pretty. With castles and valleys and pretty green things all around. Much better than a smash in the cheekbone magazine, so good for them.
travel advice-live it up baby! smile at a luxembourger on the street, they might just smile back at you.