it went a bit like this...

suited and booted thanks to Mr Whoove
giggles and girty thanks to Ms Howve
A crab with a non drunken driver
an auction with no end
in the sense of 'if one isn't present it doesnt exist'
good luck to whoever bites that bunch of bullets
oot the front there is the patron
past the snot brigade and into the hall of modicums
is it classy or just twatty
super dining options
along with white, red and amber lubrication
strange apron kits on the wait ladies
seemed all a bit thai for two
lucky i looked flash
but felt not a little like an imposter
like a tefl teacher waiting to be busted for not knowing what an article is
i know that feeling all too well...
collingball, my childhood love
were playing geefoot my other childhood crush
thoughts out to AJM
magnificent viewing with comfy padded seats
no 1956 olympic cushion needed here
lots of athletic prowess
and not little endeavour
tens of thousands of eager beavers
creating an atmos that would make rugby fools drivel
class showed over endeavour
as my reserve of red seemed imposing
elevator music didnt raise the roof
but innocuity can be a good thing
the second harf was viewed from tables and behind glass walls
some hopes were raised
then eventually manfully dashed
it seems good taste prevailed in the face of stuffed shirtism
a pleasant surprise really
check your head
but not your scarf

back to the drill again

ma non c'e la faccio piu con questo drill di merda
non mi ricordo nemmeno come si scrive questa parola
ma 'sto stronzo
con i suoi apparecchi
una grande sega del cazzo
per un grande segaiolo
ogni beata mattina c'e
a rompermi i coglioni
si dice che sia un tipo simpatico
ma mi sono stuffato fin qui
apparentamente sta rifacendo il paveminto con legno
e non mi ricordo neanche questa parola
cazzo
be, ottimo, buon fucking divertimento bello pelato
almeno lui ha dovuto avere da fare con la strega-bestia
mi ne sono sicuro
si sarebbe messo li' in faccia sua
a chiedergli domande stupide
a dargli consigli di merda
patetica putana
ma prima o poi
se ne andra
e ci sara gioia in questo palazzo
la suzanne fara' una festa enorme
pero', c'e sempre il pericolo che trovera' riparo nel appartamento accanto a lei
questo sarebbe un gran bel fine mondo per la suzanne
la vita e' gia abbastanza una sfida
senza avere una psicopatica cosi vicino
di deve sentire le sue pazzie attraverso le mure
tranne quella gente mitica
ci sono altri eroi qui in giro
nel posto dei finocchi c'e una tipa con la macchina di merda con un adesivo di pantera!
fortunatamente non suona le musica schifoso sempre come l'hanno fatto loro
immagina la pantera ad tutti le ore, e poi le sbattimento delle mani!
c'e ancora un' altro finocchio nel numero cinque
a me pare piu o meno simpatico
poi, nel ultimo piano...
c'e un tipaccio molto yuppy
che ovviamente si crede di essere molto figo
che lo rende il tipo di gente piu schifoso a me
con la sua macchina quattro per quattro
capelli tinti e abiti
Prossimo, c'e una tipa abbastanza figa
non nel senso del figa-maestro erik
non molto interessante
ma abbastanza carina
una signorina che si sarebbe ben informata dice che una putana
per me, va bene.
Quindi il taxista
non so niente di lui
fa sempre cazzi suoi
si giri in bici e fa il bravo a portare le bidone
e finalmente c'e la coppia grigia
certamente non sono delle emminenze grigie
ogni tanto si sente una linga straniera da loro
ma non lo sento mai abbastanza al lungo per riconoscerlo
puodarsi sono della repubblica cecca
anche loro fanno i cazzi loro
si e visto che ogni anno se ne vanno per parecchi mesi
nel loro paese d'origine
be, buon divertimento ragazzi ma ci serve delle faccie cosi' toste?

amazing spicegirls reunion

sure they aren't looking so hot these days... but minger spice is still very figa

skateboarding in mumbles

just by chance i am strolling down the foreshore in mumbles
the water is way out
or is it way in?
its overcast and chilly
thats my mumbles
into the car park infront of the roundabout
best use the payphone to call bob
let him know im in town
in the country etc
not that i know why i am here
look theres bob
in the other phone booth
what's he doing there?
'no, no, no' he says, 'the one to do is this...'
he doesn't even seem to be surprised to see me
how odd
its like i never went anywhere
what year is it - 1996 or 2006?
the king of mobile phones is using a pay phone?
this doesnt add up
alright skipster, lets head up to mine, he says
we head up to his place opposite the park
but bob i thought you had moved back to Newton?
ahhh there were some complications
its never what you expect with bob
next thing we are up in newton
i imagine bob has popped off to the rock and fountain
my childhood skateboard is there
apparently dodgy 70's blue-with multicoloured arrows are really cool now in Swansea
that's a large surprise
not as large as it should be though
there are little kids zipping about the shop on ones a bit like mine
being all retro and cool
it seems i have accidentally become hip
bob's off somewhere wheeling some deals
or dealing some wheels
you never know with bob
i still cant get over the fact that he's not even remotely surprised to see me
and im off down newton rd
skating my heart out
being seriously scared about it
out of my way children like
past threshers
past the 2 bakeries
the charity shoppe
the overpriced fish shop
all the greats
fucking tooooooooooooorists
the dodgy travel agents who didnt know how to cope with an australian going to egypt
under the scaffolding
lucky its got gaudy yellow bits on it so i dont smash my head off
but what happens when i get to the bottom?
theres the bloody roundabout!

la coppa della bibita

there was a man
it wasnt jack white
i know this coz there wasnt meg white
or any white/black/red trimmings
this man had ginger hair
his friends probably called him the ginger ninja
or the ginger whinger
or if they were from a certain part it might have been the ginger minger
if they weren't from that part, it wouldn't have made much sense
this man had a muppety green and white beanie type hat
horizontally striped like celtic FC's colours - hoops
he also had a ginger beard
and big bad spot
he caught a bus past paul kelly's memories
all the way from how groovy is groovy is aint so groovyroy
he talked about evo
not devo
but evo
everybody seemed to know evo
except me
he smoked roll ups
and roll ups with extra goody smell
and drank beer from a stubby holder of some variety
it didnt belong to meredith though
i found him hard to read
was he a cool friendly bloke
or was he a twat
or was I a cool friendly twat
maybe that is just what people do on pilgrimmages
nobody knew about the goat
that yummy yummy goat
not the schnaa chicky selling tix
not her mate who made a big 'what the fuck?' face
there was a band from telly
and a barnyard love in a mumsy way not in a big figa way
and that chick that twangs your heart strings whether you like it or not
beavis found a goat chained up behind a hill
we milked it
then we found the soooonshine
and the ginger bloke
we munched and crunched
some big noise came from over there
and something happened very far away
there were some ooohs and aahhhhhs
another mumsy wumsy tracie flapped about
and some blokes, some other birds and some kids
at orange time a helmut with a stick stuck in it hoooted
then it was all about something again
blokes, chicks, kids... and streakers
they were my highlight
then we went for a pint
on point of principle
and paul kelly kept hassling us
any old excuse to push past us again
6 times in 15 minutes
just getting a pint of water
just getting a pint of stout
just getting a pint of hasselfhoff extra cheesy
just getting a pint of ale
just getting a pint of mixed toilet lollies
just get your fucking pint paul...
suspicions were confirmed when he pulled out a cd from under his leather jacket tried to sell us this black market copy of his new album...
its called 'just getting a pint'
dodgy geezer, trying that subliminal or something advertising on us.
luckily i had my paul kelly proof underwear on
a rumble grew in the background
and we left as the night was yet young and no fun is good fun

oh i nearly forgot, everything was simply lovely...

Personal Bill of Lunch

Personal Bill of Lunch ($45)


1. I have the right to suck as much munch as I wish
2. I have the right to say no to everybody all the bloody time
3. I have the right to ignore common sense
4. I have the right to lunch, and it’s going to be fruity
5. I have the right to rant senselessly at anybody in range
6. I have the right to swim in my own slurry
7. I have the right to disregard all counsel which doesn’t involve violation
8. I have the right to impose my own ill-conceived opinions on others
9. I have the right not to be responsible for absolutely anything I do, ever
10. I have the right to lie, deceive and pilfer
11. I have the right to be angry at any bastard I choose
12. I have the right to be clone my butt
13. I have the right to lunch myself in fear
14. I have the right to demean others and rub their faces in it
15. I have the right to never justify my bad behaviour
16. I have the right to make decisions based on passing whims or fancies
17. I have the right to my own needs for Beavis’ thumb
18. I have the right to speak unmitigated panty waste
19. I have the right to have Ivan Milat move in next door
20. I have the right to abuse my environment
21. I have the right to make my friends and use tinned spaghetti for their hair
22. I have the right to change my pants
23. I have the right to disrespect others wants and needs
24. I have the right to be treated with lashings of ginger beer
25. I have the right to be particularly snappy

no fire below you

I don't know
I don't know
I don't lie
I can't know
I can't imagine
I won't know
I won't tell
You say no
I shan't say
You never knew
My error of judgement
You won't know
I stand back
She didn't know
I'm unchanged
You cry no
I slipped out
they don't know
I don't doubt
You cannot know
That's the place
They won't know
I'm removed
It won't show
It's relaxed
He shan't know
I'm unhinged
I'll say no
It's transformed
he died below

my friend mr mountains

this blog is about my friend mr mountains
my friend mr mountains really should be called mr mounts
but that just doesnt sound right
a bit too suggestive
and we dont want to be suggestive about mr mountains
he can do that all by himself
hes a saucy cat that mr mountains
mr mountains first name would be alex
titter titter
mr mountains has a business with mr head
its called head & mountains
sounds imposing doesnt it?
like some kind of turbocharged anti dandruff shampoo
i think it should be called mountains & head
but what do i know about rocks?
mr mountains favourite word is belin
which he uses with amazing regularity
and he loves calling people marcioni
they have a geology type business which is in the old borsa
and i dont mean handbag
in a superb location just off piazza de ferrari
a fab building that just goes around and around
if you go there you feel like you are on some trip or in 2001 a space oddysey
your whole body just leans inwards despite the fact that there's absolutely no basis for it
they have a little office with a couple of desks
that doesnt smell like paint any more
the window closes now
not like in the bad old days
out that window you can see the rotund void in the middle of the building
like a doughnut
i bet he still hasnt put up on the wall that map of australia i smuggled through customs in a didgeridoo for him
they didnt believe me it was an instrument
in english or italian
like i was going to smuggle drugs in a 5 foot wooden tube!
deficenti!
mr mountains loves sampdoria
he plays football on the ics bocs and has wayne rooney in his samp team
mr mountains smokes camel blu - not camel blue
he loves talking about rocks
mr mountains is a veritable rock star
he even showed me this machine for digging holes that he was thinking about buying
not a big boys one thought
mr mountains made a big impression on emma
not when she came to visit
but in the photos later!
mr mountains loaned me his graham hancock book
it was bloody hard work to read in italiano
mr mountains went to tunisia to visit mr squillibrato
mr mountains is a big fan of mr squillibrato
mr mountains, mr squillibrato and mr marco all went to school together
along with various paoli, luca and others
i tell you
they are whacky guys that carignano bunch
they dont stray to far from their hill
mr mountains likes banda bardo and litfiba
he kindly fried me some cds
i wonder if one day mr mountains will to come australia
after all we have the biggest rock in the world
all power to mr mountains...

Mina is fab

see...
Anche un uomo

Ragazza mia ti spiego gli uomini
ti servirà quando li adopererai
son tanto fragili, fragili tu
maneggiali con cura
fatti di briciole, briciole che
l'orgoglio tiene su
ragazza mia sei bella e giovane
ma pagherai ogni cosa che otterrai
devi essere forte ma forte perché
dipenderà da te
tu sei l'amore il calore che avrà
la vita che vivrai.
anche un uomo può sempre avere un'anima
ma non credere che l'userà per capire te
anche un uomo può essere dolcissimo
specialmente se al mondo oramai
gli resti solo tu.
Ragazza mia adesso sai com'è
quell'uomo che mi porti via e vuoi per te.

the mad dog brothers remixture

bad snog
rad frog
lad bog
nad slog
fad clog
cad grog
sad mog
dad hog
gad cog
grad fog
trad wog
stade log
ad tog
tad nogg
chad flog
had grog

it's never the same... sospiro profondo

Zanzibar; the riposte

Did we ever meet in Zanzibar,- no Dave, I didnt see you there...
Two Caucasians at the town bazaar? I saw at least a dozen or so, what were you smoking?
Are you who you say you are?- theres no such thing as a limebeaver
Did you offer me a Dutch cigar? - is that a euphemism for spliff?
You must have thought you were so bourgeois.- yeah, i was positively middle class
Are you who you say your are? - yes, I am the love child of Ian Dury and Felicity Kendall

After all these years, you haven't changed at all - cant say the same for you baldy
But I can't say you look the same. - sounds like a cop out

Summer days are hot in Zanzibar - that much is true
And at night the sky is filled with stars. - that much is also true, very astute...
Listen. You can hear guitars. - i recall quaffing and blethering, there might have been some background tunes

Native people, skins as black as tar, - that is a gross generalisation dave, there is a wide mixture of racial groupings on the island
Wear bright-coloured robes in Zanzibar.- especially their smalls
They've never even heard of Ska! - lucky them, ra ra ra
On a tour of limestone caves - you what?
Did we see where traders kept their slaves? - stop showing yourself off
Was that how we spent the day? - no, we wandered about on the beach and spouted inanities, funny, I dont recall seeing you there

After all these years, you haven't changed at all- yes, nice of you to notice
But I can't say you look the same. - fammi un pompino

I have never been to Zanzibar - aha, i knew it
I have always thought it was too far - thats all a matter of perspective, its closer than la paz
You're not who you say you are. - alright, i never drove for toleman in the mid 80's as Ayrton Senna's team mate

Saint Swithin the patron saint of patronage

thinking back now
with my own hands
like the love that we spoke of forever
strange as it may seem
i feel like ive won the cup
the girl done better
a secret message to a happy home
my terror is complete
no need to act tough
they defied the landlords
you poor take courage
the god of greed
end all my fears
i pray this night
you will sail back
I wish that I could remember the first moment that we met
my diary dont even help
i know the days
i waked up in a dry bed
daddy i did
sister come feel
the clock is watching me
two dozen enquiries
nobody can say what the matter is
im sorry to say
to revisit the places we used to go together
keep the phone out of my way
i loved you then
i dont to change the world
they put you on a pedastal
you're a much better fishmonger
everything else is just icing on the cake
the strongman egyptologist
when you walk without peace
now im outside your house
20 years, 7 months and 27 days
you know when we sat out on the fire escaping talking
your sexual politics has left me all in a muddle
and how i loved those evening classes
ten hundred books could i write you
i wouldnt spread such a rumour around
if the women didnt enter into the deal
you will get lost in the universe alone
you will sail back before the day gets bright
when the world falls apart some things stay in place
her husband was one of those blokes
they stitched her back together
you and i were victims
a hot day, the smell of hairspray
late at night a lover thinks of these things
when he drops you off
as long as you come back to me
you said you loved me
You have your reasons, I will not ask...

facespace was the place

i solemnly declare the following;
dear auntie aggy in cumbernauld in need of a stairlift
with a failing heart of gold for 2 moons and boiling my socks
jason from orrrrrrrrrrrrregon who never abbhoooooooorrrrd the warrrrrrr
he went long from mission beach all the way to puerto penasco/rarrky point
2 scottish girls in a schoolroom cum hostel in the prague burbs
what language were we speaking ?!! what bloody language were they speaking?!!!!!
the tall american dude who taught me the mysteries of grand royal magazine in buda or was it pest?
everyone should have a mullet for a day...
Marisela who's uncle owned the best mexican restaurant on the planet, la jolla baby
hyperbole not required
who threw up on a backjacket and slept with a bloke who could have been my twin
the chinese fellow out the front of the imperial palace in tokyo
we played swapsies with cameras while i claimed to know the difference
rampant unhinged japanese giggling girty, being chased up and down the aisles of a JAL 747 at narita as we taxi
while some fool looks on all pleased coz he's got a spare seat all the way to Kota Kinabalu... I found out what was in her bag alright!
Raewyn the tramper who took me to the edge of Vic Falls, before bringing me back in one piece
then emailed me birthing photos from southern usa years later...ouch
evilgodmara from virginia who chatted the m4 away on a national express
dutifully admired the sin factory at porttaaaalbot and whose room could have been a smoking cold storage facility
Little romain with curls of gold, the cutest little bloke in perigord verd
who knew how to play the fools but lived in fear of the chicken bin
Lauren of the smoky chords, the most earthed being on those long bastard nights at chez camille
getting all and sundry high at the fete de epeluche down by the riverside causing sensory implosion at the bumpercars and fireworks... aiiiia
fabio the gobby little bugger that sent me to go do in a culo in godolphin
before wandering into my flat in via san luca suited and booted as an estate agent
ma che cazzo?
the sound melburnian in ica that knew beavis from pubs in st kilda but just couldnt untangle the 6 degrees of separation... as the maelstrom blew above and around us and some bastard took off second coming
bearded ben who lived in a geodesic dome somewhere on the gower
and knew moley/stumpy/dirty who got famous under a tree or up a motorway
Jules who was smart as pie and made me go all squishy in uplands
whom i 'disappointed' by showing at work on saturday still speeding, legless and shouty and who's water polo bloke did nothing but drool on colleagues and friends breasts and made her cry
darling Lilly the Japanese/Peruvian guide that you could keep in your pocket-pocket guide?
ushering fools up and down andean mountains til the mythical macchu picchu
handing out anti inflammataries, spotting bears and being so cute you just wanted to take her home
Dr Juvenal who was no doctor and had nothing to do with perry farrell
his pollo jokes and stale bread made all the salt in uyuni worthwhile
yo soy simon bolivar el libertadore del cinco pollos... so bog off

things that make me go crank

the han chinese in tibet
the javanese indonesians in West Papua
the Moroccans in West Sahara
the unnecessary pomposity of castillion
the arab sudanese in Darfur
the smugness of the french
the catalans that wont shut up
the celebrity culture
the israelis in Palestine
the saesnegs in Cymru
the cultural poverty of the americanisation that pervades the planet
the pink polo-shirted fuckers in the Prince of Wales
the concentration of media ownership
the turks forgetting the armenian genocide
the poles trying to make the eu catholic
the fact that corporations hold more power than elected representatives
the yanks in american (sic)Samoa, okinawa, diego garcia, bermuda, hawaii, iraq, afghanistan, sardinia, the val d'aosta, wherever the hell else they are...
the muslim morons that want to implement sharia law anywhere
the Liberal pricks in canberra
the populist idiots in venezuela
the leeches in cuzco
the pond scum squawking baksheesh in the land of the pharoahs
the publishers of the herald sun
the jjj tshirts in the burbs
the smell of the napalm in the early evening
the irresponsible march of globalism
the bastards of gunn destroying tasmania
the junta in burma that locks up ang etc etc
the cynical maggots that play the race card at election time
the daily torigraph
the futility of it all
the wankers that make current affairs telly/reality tv the world over
Silvio fucking Berlusconi
the marketing/PR/sales fools that insist on breathing
the big brother mentality of russian/soviet/cis governance
the religious fools of any prescription...
the muslims in europe who plan its downfall/murder its citizens/abuse fellow immigrants whilst exploiting it to the maximum
the ecuadorians/ukranians/albanians/russians/colombians/maghrebis that soil the bel paese
the breathtaking ignorance of 'americans' %35 believe the bible literally, %14 have passports
the noise new zealand types make when they slaughter their vowels
the tedium that is rugby league
the latent racism that lies in the hearts of so many australians
the hoodoo gurus album of the same name
the privatisation of public space
the fact that i broke the aerial so i cant watch sbs
the cliches that always come true
the horrible little man that cannot be named
the nobody knows my pain or suffering of teenagers
the jews that claim they are the chosen people
the systematic abuse of animals in intensive farming
mullets
the drivel that commercial radio plays
the whingeing of snotty nosed me
the stuffing of innocents in phone booths
the raging against the dying of the light
that i braked that fateful sunday morning in king st

il super lamentone

Ive got this cold deal
its really, really getting on my tits
not that theres all that much to get on
when i cough my brain shakes
and its hurts...
i can feel it bouncing off the sides of my head
fuckign ARSE!
better schlep another lolly thing
ahh thats better
stream of consciousness blog
what else is there to bitch about?
my nose is running
like the mother of all metaphors
you just cant look down
otherwise it takes its cue
and gushes out
forming pools of nasty on the pillow
imagery baby!
and bloody bloody blood noses!
they always come in handy
just when you think its safe to blow your nose
it gets all red and horrid
funk dat
its not even october
but where the hell does that come from?
sure, put me on a plane and my nose will crank it out
no eyelids battered
not like qualities of a fish
gravel etc.
but with a cold
oh just fuck off
lets not forget sleep disturbance
i know thats a favourite of all you families at home
you wake up every 14 mins precisely
snorting and suffocating as your lungs scream for air
and your nose tells it to get bent
only to fall pitifuly back into a miserable semi slumber
for 14 minutes until it all starts again
snuffle, schnortle.. gasp
fucccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
along with disturbed sleep comes its great mate fuzzy brain
whats that?
youd like to be able to string a sentence together?
youd like to be vaguely comprehensible?
youd like to be able to type a word with one syllable?
youd dare want to be able to concentrate until the end of a sentence or the 15 seconds of telly so you can find out whodunnit?
youd like to be able to differentiate between a 'q' and a 'm'?
no, screw you!
inchorent you were born and incoherent you shall remain
arsewipe
one cant bitch and moan about a cold
and leave out sneezing
strangely pleasant from some angles
until your bones start rattling
and your brain too
and you just feel dopey and need to lie down
coz some molecules have been disturbed in your 'ed
and thrusted unwillingly at your proboscis
fucker
another all time fave is deafness
what? you say...
well fuck you smartarse..
i cant hear you so i dont care
i cant hear ed kuepper on the stereo
being all portentious
and banging on about how superb he is
mysteriously though
and this is food for thought
the muppet upstairs smashing the floor above my bed at precisely 8am
i can make out every hammer blow
every carpet rip
every whatever the hell else renovating carpenting homy-fixy sort of blokes do
must be like dogs hearing
with whistles and wotnot...
coz i can hear every slam, bam, rip, schlock and whack
bouncing and reverbing,
penetrating under the afore mentioned ultra 'you can do headstands in your sanitary napkin' thin layer of rest and recovery that is supposed to encase your febrile mind until all is well or at least on that track with hiking boots
almost forgot, no well i did forget...
temperatures going haywire
left arm too cold?
throw on a jacket
oh shit
now the right shoulder blade is overheated and melting down
sweat pouring down your furrowed self-pitying brow
take off that big hood thing
pants
now the neck is getting some kind of frostbite
icicles forming on hairline
so, very, cold
left iris got the chills?
crank up the heating
ouch!
that was a kidney liquefying

happy happy joy joy

caroline said

option #2...
there was a young man from Bastardo

when he was 3 whilst chasing Pan

he fell down a big mine (of which there are many in the traditional Paese Nero surrounding Bastardo

he rolled and tumbled endlessly and fell unconscious after dashing his head on a wolverine shaped protuberance

when he awoke he discovered that he had accidentally swallowed some San Pedro cactus - at leasts that's what he told his Evil Step-Uncle

and began hallucinating and seeing creatures from watership down emerging from railside shrubbery and strange flashing lights that didnt even flash

oh fuck, he thought

and a beaver that flashed different phosphorescent colours

it made him feel rather queasy, so he asked it 'please signore beaver, dont flash me so'

and his risposte was 'i shall cease my chameleonic changing and remain lime and lime only if you promise to lead a virtual life of lies, deceit and intrigue and take on my name'

which sounded like a good deal to the young man from Bastardo

So he assented 'alright guvnor, sorted'

the beaver flashed one last brilliant time and settled on an eerie lime, before winking knowingly at him and scurrying off amongst the rocks and the abandoned shopping trollies.

as he scratched his back with a 4 pronged stick he felt convinced he could deceive that beaver and never plumb those depths of depravity and live a fulfilling life of varied and many rich experiences

but he didnt... sad git

partyface

not to forget (or mention)...
those 2 groovy frenchlings we met in Creel,
the minxy blonde one and the luvverly Claire from Lyon
bon nuit and sneaky photos of a bloke in big stupid trousers
fun quebecois who shared our truck in the salaar di uyuni
suffering mr the twats 'impressive' stories
or Taka the nicest man in Tokyo
who vomited out the taxi door after a strange drinking competition
Lovely old couple/hotel managers in Kyoto
driving a fool around with a tv on the dashboard
the former ANC fighter who trained and fought in Angola
telling his stories in a hostel in knysna
Sound Italian manager/dealer of huanchaco
so happy to have so many italian speakers in one place
and beavis...
helpful alitalia lady in Prague office, grazie mille
Writing fibby little stories on official letterhead
Mortens blondefest mate Sven?
demanding i chew my baccy and another round in the gothenburg sports bar
Linda the dog walker from engerland somewhere
horrendous food poisoning sufferer thanks to nile boat fools
fighting the good fight and sampling the aftershock
double belgian couple trouble in the 'camping' in Cap Corse
except he was dutch and they lived on sakhalin
wine with your mosquitos anyone?
Crazy Canadian Coyote Cal (honestly a writer in hollywood) in Erendira, Baja
First customers ever, saw your brick of dope in half, play slicky tricky pool but DO NOT watch the big lebowski
ickle Megumi 'Ie' on the beach south of Tokyo
with a (shock!) slab of kirin, fireworks and a crush on tak-thankyouverymuch
Christines ex Damian of Kentucky Forest Hills
looking familiar and then very drunk in Innsbruck hostelbar
Insane Australian Half man-half bull in the westbourne
nose ring, long hair, 76ft 3',and a stoned espanola in tow
or Nacho the disgruntled Spaniard
cranky coz all laughed at him in the mexican restaurant where he worked as a waiter
Pretty Great Carmen in Valencia who believed in God, lamented spains loss of grandeur
and was amazed i couldnt tell the difference in pronunciation between carrejeros and caballeros... damned fool I am!
Bellamy of the bottom, manager of Hip Hop-1 free beer-hostel in Capetown
writing gob smacking stories in my diary, which I could only read on the overnight torment of coach to Johannesburg, never to return...
Roberta, brother in law of Raffaella in Bergamo
DHL employee, foreign banknote collector and exquisite dinner maker
the most unfortunate blonde australian backpacker on the ferry from Santorini to Pireaus
tales of sleeping on island beaches, Thomas cook's treachery and missing red converses...

bookface

everybody lines up
they point their sticks out that way
they plug in their bottom buttons
scan their photos
snivelly shorts and all
sitting in bristol
sitting in moscow
sitting in the kitchen
maybe even sitting on their seats
dont bloody ask me
come up with a natty catchphrase
unlock their footbox
and see who is out there
i have 8 friends
ha!
i had 58 not that long ago
but some things happened
the whole adam and steve charade
someone found the keys
and let out all the bats
told all those stories
about small men
and plums in that ladies mouth
so then it fell off
now, i just need to track down;
that bloke with the guitar and ponytail in Creel
hanging in the copper canyons and who turned off the bar lights?
the dubliner in berlin
doing guided pub tours and explaining its guinness fault hes fat
james joyce can go to a spa
that big dumb american in interlaken who said hey big guy
and wanted to know what was up...He may not have been taking the piss
sharrrrnta who was indignant and a bit too smart in rome
mrs adrianne and her hospitality in arizona
glenda the sound kiwi guy on a truck all over africa
who called me lemonhead, screamed 'BAFFFFFOON', then sent me his t shirt
good bloke from up norf who was my nairobi mate for a day and a half
but he wanted to see a gorilla
the bloke from jersey or guernsey who got drunk with me in auckland
and was in trub with the taxman if he went home
the cool couple from queensland who played in Krakow
we dined and i ranted about the mistreatment of aborigines, missing the point entirely
the cute waitress girl in kosice who posed and then wrote
went to the US to be a nanny
the polish lady in west london pub lunching with dad
smiling at my jin dobre
the bi portuguese bloke who cooked his toasties in the westbourne and taught me bastardo
then i ignored him years later in carnaby st
the daft kiwi who wanted a rugby contest in bergen
i just dont care and he just wouldnt believe it
the christian anna in swansea who built huts in zimbabwe near the mozambique border
the super red haired girl on the plane from tokyo
who drank vodka and orange and smoke with me in the thoughtfully provided part-time smokers seats on JAL planes...sigh
the sweet israeli guy in iguazu hostel
telling tales of dodgy packs of israelis
man he had a point
that very very very attractive girl in Ica, that someone thought was a prostitute
who nearly caused a kidney failure, to club or not to club?
those darling little 2 norwegian girls in salisbury
identikit twins in all their sweet blondeness and separation anxiety
sweet mrs crossley, angsty at first
taking me swimming and pinting at the posho essex country club
lovely girl in edinburgh for hogmany
kissing everybody with her cold sore, except me
mad drunk jamie and dawn in swansea
who adopted me and then got beaten up by bouncers
Janes cute backpacker buddy katrina
the final piece of the bizarre love quadrangle
who shocked me in front of the sacre coeur
merrill from las vegas who shared my room in budapest
showed that americans can be cool
but had moved to Colorado by the time i got to the US
the three sweet middle aged ladies in plastic factory in Swansea Enterprise Park, Parc Anturiaeth Abertawe... oooh errr...llansamlet
Just as sweet and bemused in '99 as in '96: accounts and reception, do you want a cup of tea?
Si the gaming nutbag in Henley on Thames
practicing his playstation moves as he worked and rushing off home for a spliff at lunchtime...
Kate from Russia, furthering herself in Salsibury
with the bad glasses and blue jeans who fell off the earth near Sevilla
and Keith who put it in deep...

i reckon ive got a lot of ideas

i had this corker of an idea
it was going to be a grate blog
full of thrills
gills
and smelly-bakes
it was going to have a reader in raptures
nothing to do with big death
or bollocks religion
just fascination at the superb wordplay
and insightful social commentary
it was going to be a fab, fab thing
but it didnt
but i wasnt
but you couldnt
you see
it just up and left
no down and right
that super concept that was going to happen
it got otherwise engaged
it had to do something relevant
and that bit of brainspace was filled with other roba
completely bloody useless stuff at that
whats it all about?
the screaming and the shouting?
dont ask J Lydon
coz he told you so
shore
you might say
9 was a sound album
armada, happy et al
we're having a party!
not to mention disappointed...
well isnt crap
what friends are for?

thatd be a lazy digression
that could be an attempted cover up
of a complete dearth of ideas
but an overwhelming sense of compunction

same old story...

no more good news at all

the suicide bomb is a new tactic
the police still arent used to coping
come to kabul
ordinary civilians
south of the country
a city wide open to attack
online
gerry adams
run all over canberra
lewis's team mate
from the very first corner
a blend of pure delight
and pure relief
up against our other major trading partners
ike for president
time was
doesnt have to be squeaky clean
entertaining results
this is ridiculous
gone are the days of the good old fashioned jingle
mild in vancouver
doing some final repair work
goodnight

right of reply

no exercising it tho

god save the queens birthday

some old english bird had a birthday
it wasnt this week
its in Mars or something
that dont matter
we cant still have a day off
i think it was frederica mercurio
i thought she was dead
or was that the queens brother?
what disrespect
so fredericas not dead
well what will ian astbury do when he breaks up with jim morrisson hostel?
so at precisely 4.56, 11.56, 20.56 and 29.56 i got down on my big map of the world and prayed towards the oversized pink bit
and was greatful to the fact that some halfwit vikings come frenchmen invaded a crapola island 900 years ago
ever since they have shagged their sisters
and gradually become ever more inbred and daft
then made thousands of men slaughter eachother while they played tiddlewinks
and talked all toff like
screwthemvis
an empire was born
based upon greed and racism
and it was one of the better ones
ththththththththth wouldve been worse
or jsjsjsjsjsjssjjsjs for that matter
or letwatwtwatwtawtawtwtwattwat
or hckchchskhsscccchchchchchsplit
so we got that one
and we were a part of the umpire
until the umpire got done
and then we became part of the new umpire
from snooty and anal
to crass and ugly
but we kept all the good things
westminster system
irony
bad food
lack of social skills
alcohol abuse
tea
left side driving
cricket
dodgy residency rights
fear of openness
those crappest of crap games
the junket of olympiad
the young ones
that ugly thing on the flag
and the royal family
all over the coinage
all over the government
and all over the shitful magazines
theres no future in australias dreaming...

Beavis; The Album

track listing;
1.beavisisprobablygay.com
2.embryo
3.he still has a strange attraction to women with faces like hers
4.blimey fish-the extended dance mix
5.pete baby pete pete baby baby pete baby - repeat
6.post nasal drip
7.anal intruder, you know you want it - from the musical of the same name
8.the leon who loved me
9.i want you backflip
10.vanessa did what in the car in surrey hills?
11.i love my mum
12.in an impure manner
13.is she really going with pete..?
14.maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggot
15.do you know summer holiday by beavis sux?
16.back seat taxiderrrrrrrrrmist
17.standing arounds (doo wop wop wop)
18.no you settle down travis
19.Dont you want me Nigel?
20.up yours i may be a great big whiffy homosexual but i sonofasherillbutistillsuckmorethan you

All music written by T.Avis (except 10-written by P.Pino) and (18 written by Nuggois). Lyrics by B.Munch. all instruments played by the band except track 5. portfolio played by N.Ige. Copyright F.knocker music.Recorded at Maggoty Sounds Studio, Spofforth, Islanda. 2007

up your rrrs tism

les murray is a magyar
and he knows how to gad about with a polo neck jobbie on
hed be on my invite list to the dinner party from which there was no turning back abandon all hope ye who munch here
andrew orsatti is something to do with pronto bears
thatd be a good name for a nad hockey team in the desert
may well have plaid for fishcara
knows his way around a dialect
Tony Plumbow will knock you senseless with his eye obscene size package parcel cases
puo darsi che sia un terrone...
wot a geezer like!
fozzie fozzie fozzie
a long line of shit beer is his lineage
frank blackateepee is a good un
is he a sandwicher or a bikinese?
damien lovelock is a legend car
and he knows peter koppes
that other andrew bloke is a gleek
couldnt pronounce his way into a brothel of monosyllabic cheese whores
and rubbish
the other bloke is just ho hum
might prove to be okay
probly not tho
looks largely on the gormless boat steering class to me
and blonde birdy bird had more mouth than most
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
then there was other birdy bird
something with allbranz
ubermensch?
must have been good
got stolen by crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrap channel pants/bollocks
dont matter which it is
they are pretty much the same thing anyway
brank of cowards
thatd be a crow nation i reckon
squishy faced fooker
and how about nedfest?
5'8
9'3 with the ego
what simply fascinating treatise this is proving to be

flat

-----------------------------------------------
phhhhhhht
phhhhhhht

all the airs gorn

-----------------------------------------------

little green beer monster

here he comes again
sneaking around just outside
i think i saw him peering in the window
with that horrid beak thing
bastard
where does he come from?
i bet its slimy there
hes never actually in sight
always in the periphery
fucker
the strange shadow moving behind the fronds
it seems that he never really sods off
just hanging about there
waiting for me to slip
maggot
its nothing personal mind
it never bloody is
warts on all his extremities
skulking over there
prick
his got a friend too
the fag monster
when hes holding you down
fag monster shows up and shafts your lungs
i suspect its a whale and limpet deal
they work in tandom
luckily there arent others about
stronzo
must have some kind of wand to cast his spells of boredom or misery
just one drizzle and its chocks away
its all over
self control taken out the back and beaten about the head
beer monster moves in
makes you do and say stupid things
arse
he takes all your money
leaves you feeling all shitey and morose
seamy pezzo di merda
bloody buggery bollocks

i saw this film, but there was no dome

title; Zodiac
cinema; my brother george
duration; long
director; that bloke
starring; some blokes and some birds and some short people
genre; old
Plot; some bloke goes off his nut and kills people, especially snogging couples with bad hair and stupid clothes. It is all very mysterious. He writes to the pigs and the papers. He uses a code. very tricky. A nerd at the paper tries to figure it out. He has a crap salvagente and some brown beavis cords. some other bloke with a camp scarf gets drunk and takes lots of drugs. It gets very heavy. The pigs are lead by the woggy bloke from chips. He has quality sideburns. the bad guy has a limp. but is he the bad guy? probably. beavis was dissatisfied, prefers resolution. something about lakes, parties and libraries. also featuring; buildings, people being serious a lot, crap old cars, too many americans, some old bloke who liked writing, bad nana miskouri hair and glasses, some bloke from some other film, a taxi, blue drinks and lots of fags.
verdict; yeah its alright.
rating; 3 flushes and a half flush coz you cannot be too careful
interesting facts; the main bloke has more than a passing resemblance to Erik the Finocchio. My jacket was warm. guinness is good.

the further adventures of super tonto

look
down on the ground
quite literally
it's super tonto!
is it a slug
is it a sloth
no its super tonto!
he can stroll faster than an old lady with both hips replaced
he can leap (step) cracks in the pavement without forgetting to put the bins out
he can bend tacos as if they were nachos
yes its super tonto!
he can wear is smalls on the outside without fear of mockery
he sports a cape and doesnt suck on blood
his mask is only a bit wonky
whats this i hear?
A crimewave....!
fear not, super tonto will be here in a couple of weeks to foil the evil doers
whats that you say?
an asteroid on a collision course with the earth....!
stay calm, super tonto will look into it in due course, just after he watched another few eposides of futurama
how can it be?
a foreign power has declared war....?
be still tender one, super tonto will sue for peace and dissuade the aggressors with his waning charms and 90 percent of the GDP for the next 120 years
Can it be possible?
the outbreak of a killer pandemic....?
Remain indoors, super tonto will destroy it with medical research that was unfortunately cancelled by a pseudo religious government leaving only a bit of dettol

Now all this has been pointed out, super tonto will put the phone down and go away quietly

not me...

and if i did i wouldnt bloody tell you about it

silver bloody doors

yes they do my head in
silver bloody doors
3 particular types
silver doors in elevators
silver doors airports
silver doors on trains
silver bloody doors
always taking something away
always closing horizontally
as you watch a precious thing gradually get thinner
then disappear
fuck it
i lost her over and over again to silver doors
those bloody english silver doors
taking it all away
maybe even tearing it all away
or closing it all away
hopes and dreams
arses
ooops....
somebody just hollowed me out
with a flesh chisel and an ice hammer
fuck it
errr what happens next?
holland park tube
the name escapes but the image is burnt in
off to golders green to the minted family friends
go marry a pilot...
the ones of a kind
not my bloody kind
i showed them and their basin!
bloody heath bloody row airport
bed and breakfast fisting
ahh it wont take long
its just a tube trip away
giggle and spit
eat rubbish overpriced english breakfast
make the most of it
lap it up
missed the flight
oh dear oh dear
waitlisted
oh shit oh shit
last minute seat
oh fuck oh fuck
put the empty vessel back on the tube
perk up
tomorrow a friend comes
some bleached buffoon with biceps
paying only 345343434 quid a night at marble arch
sleep overs can get you big trub
off we go on the next big adventure
should be great
should be beside oneself
look bright
sure
shitsticks
big fucking chance of that coming on down
at least its not the end of the world....
if only i had already met gruff

I heard it from my friends, about the things she said

carrots, kale, corn cob, lemons, pineapple, ginger, tamari, chai tea, bullets

theres a hole in face dear insanity lady

what the fook?
where did that come from?
lets just take a short cut to the truth
lets hide the truth
lets find a playground
but its not really a playground
it should have been tho
i was convinced of it
otherwise i would never have hurled myself over the fence
surely you believe this much
i would
funny looking playground
with some muppet on the other side of it
uncanny
nuffink better than a face plant plant
oooch lucky i am numb like
keep at it
hurl yourself repeatedly at it
found objects
chairs
different sizes
do it again!!!!
whoops, dropped something
lucky i noticed that
who knows how long it went on for
stifled larfta
a little plastic chair
obliterated
a mercedes trampled
a ladder discovered when all seemed lost
a little on the rickety side
pretty bloody little
it did the job
just
larfing
larfing
larfing
shshshhshsh
a trampoline over that way
next fence
off we go again
butt in your face
buttface
up and over
despite selfish slanty fence bits
bye bye ladder
bye bye lady
climbed to the top of the pile
no glass ceilings around here
haaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa bloody ha

Stevis spark willson-luncher- 43 today

lack of loose inspiration-spandex chalet-old

Damn you for coming home
Im sorry that the video's all marrone
Horse left it there I could have sworn
These are my slurry days
Slowly being scarfed away
Just another slander that you are gay
Oh but Im nauseas coz of you,but Im nauseas coz of you
Your arse has the power to maul
Leon has left you standing so tall
Old
Always believe in your bunghole
Youve got the power to gas
Youre incoherent
Always believe it,because you are
Old
Damn you, youre bound to return
Theres nothing I could have learned
Youre incoherent,always believe it
After the rash has gone
I hope you find a little more fro
Remember Leon and you were partners in crime
Its only 15 years ago
The pyscho with the pony tail and the grin
You know that he was there in rex court
Now hes in love with you, hes always in love with you
And his love is like a bottle shop window
But Leon left you standing so tall
Old
Always believe in your bunghole
Youve got the power to maim
Youre incoherent
Always believe it, because you are
Old
Damn you, youre bound to return
Theres nothing I could have learned
Youre incoherent, always believe it...

whats up with the maths on your boots on your feet?

thats a pretty damn stupid place to put your maths
nerd.
no, homes you dont know what time it is
sure, you know pythagorarses theorem at a glance downward
but you'll end up with OCD before i do
not to mention motion sickness
fucking twat

karyn's blog is pants

oh its bad
whatever you do, dont check out karyn's blog
its shit
not just shit
but that type of shit that sticks to your boot
gets stuck between the tready bits
and needs hours of retching poking at with sticks to come off
awww its awful
that blog of karyns
i mean, paedophilic, rainforest destroying, whale slaughtering, goose liver fattening with sticks, jeff kennet loving, creed digging, racist, biggoted, genocide performing americans could do better than that!
ive had more fun with my nipples sliced off by razor blades
much more giggles to be had there than reading karyns blog
it shouldnt really be called a blog
i mean 'log' or 'bog' would be far more apt
thats the kind of stuff shes backing out onto the net
wowwwa its drivel that blog of karyns
looks like it was typed by a gnu with cataracts and hoof rot
i will probably be sued by a gnu rights association now
for being so horrid as to compare them with karyns blog
man, its dire that blog of karyns
and the photos, yech!
looks like the people in them fell off the top of mt uglyverest
and hit every ugly stone, boulder, glacier, abominable snowman, oxygen tank, frozen dead geezer and mincing machine on the way down
id rather ram a hot poker in my left eye than read karyns blog
its THAT bad!
its that kind of bollocks you only find under some old mans foreskin
its so bad that its like buying a new t shirt and getting it home to discover it already has stains under the armpits!
echhhhhhhhh its rough!
like that grit you get between your toes
when a whole year of it is baked together in a cake and served with john howard sauce
beavis could eat nothing but garlic and horse vomit and then shit in a jar
leave the jar locked underground in a nuclear bunker
open it with stale urine covered gloves after 12 years
and itd still not stink as bad as karyns blog!
i heard she works in a library
what kind of library is that?
one with sticks with shit on them filed in random order coz ooga booga the bogeyman told someone in a dream?
id bet that kids that go into that library would actually come out more stupid than before
awful awful blog
with any luck she will get eaten by some papua new guinean bloke and her blog will get a blog eating virus that will destroy any trace of it ever existing
yuckkkkkkkkkkkk, that karyns blog
I thought i felt grim after drinking 3 tubs of starch last week
but that was a party of naked dancing girls with fairyfloss compared to karyns blog
unpleasant?! man i thought gerard was unfortunate
hes positively monica bellucci compared to karyns blog and its filth peddling
i thought the geneva convention was put in place to stop this kind of evil...
dont blame me, i voted 3RRR
http://karyns-blog.blogspot.com/

una vita da mediano - Luciano Ligabue

he makes me go all squiffy,
because he's worth it...

una vita da mediano
a recuperar palloni
nato senza i piedi buoni
lavorare sui polmoni
una vita da mediano
con dei compiti precisi
a coprire certe zone
a giocare generosi
lì
sempre lì
lì nel mezzo
finchè ce n'hai stai lì
una vita da mediano
da chi segna sempre poco
che il pallone devi darlo
a chi finalizza il gioco
una vita da mediano
che natura non ti ha dato
nè lo spunto della punta
nè del 10 che peccato
lì
sempre lì
lì nel mezzo
finchè ce n'hai stai lì
stai lì
sempre lì
lì nel mezzo
finchè ce n'hai
finche ce n'hai
stai lì
una vita da mediano
da uno che si brucia presto
perché quando hai dato troppo
devi andare e fare posto
una vita da mediano
lavorando come Oriali
anni di fatica e botte e
vinci casomai i mondiali
lì
sempre lì
lì nel mezzo
finchè ce n'hai stai lì
stai lì
sempre lì
lì nel mezzo
finchè ce n'hai
finchè ce n'hai
stai lì

i never was a boxer rebel

there was a film going on
i know coz i saw it
there were plenty of geezers
the end of the line
there was a mountain backdrop
that said, it must have been south east london!
yep, it was a dream
it was that place where the fillum was set
dont ask me what fillum
it was the place where i had gone to do that
no, thats not right
to do this
anyway, i knew all about it at the time
and i was a self appointed expert
then i was there
not doing what i had been there for where art for before
that as a relief
there was Daddy-o
wandering past them chain pubs
the fuck off and firkin
each one more recognizable than the last
sitting outside one
chatting to some semi threatening, but not really yobs
one had a most ridiculous/coolest car thing you ever saw
depending on your point of view
dont block it out!
a white motor with 2 little wheels in the undercarriage
apparently for bouncing up and down as they do in god bless america
and a remote control
but he sent it into a tree
trying to be impressed
not wanting trub, the kind that is always just about to show up with these twats
catching the tube, but cant get off
too slow to move
cranky brits muttering about it
not sure why
Dad on the platform
see you at the next stop
i shouted
there he was...
apparently it didnt matter...
next scene
same suburb
i knew it had to be the souf east coz the mountains were there
i explained to a local
he humoured me
tells me 'you should meet blahdy blah, he lives here'
ive never heard of blahdy blah
then, the same place
but with a different kez
same theme pubs
same disillusionment
the endless line of high street eateries
each more predictable than the last
downstairs scofferies or upstairs uncomfortable seateries
why must it be like this?
damn silly country if only somebody asked me
we had to go down to the tube station
or was it the mainline
bloody junkies
sister sludge was on her way
no idea why
vending machines and dirty air
why so grim my beloved albion?
trains to brighton ?! whizzing by
figger that one out.

whats the matter with him?

he's alright
speak for yourself
the love of man
right from the bottom
to the top
little man
big suit
maybe some glasses
foie gras
fat liver
stuff it all down with a stick
its okay we are flemish
stop baking tents
more dongs about mildew and lewd
butane in trite
hunts in a pipeline
beaking in bungs
balking reds; 7/11
gear of shoeslick
the name of this band is fucking cazzo
blue whories
spittle leeches
steakbread
tripe slices

Barton Fink Wallpaper

wallpaper cant ring bells, dillweed

if you're listening Ed, give us a call

why Ed Kuepper is great
by Ed Kuepper
and special contributions by Chris Bailey
perhaps...
Ed is great
not just 'great' but really GREAT
now why is ed so great you may ignorantly ask
well, he is great because he is not a mortal
no, ed will live on when all you lot are decomposing underground
greating around like greatness was invented just for his benefit
which it was...
lets put ed in context
not great as in great britain
thats a misnomer that couldnt be applied to ed
i mean
putting england-small rah,scotland-rah and wales-rah rah
into one country about the size of victoria doesnt really cut it as great
at least not in the ed sense of great
alexander the great? shouldve been called alexander the pants
and gay and of ill defined nationality. Ed would have taken india without breaking a sweat and NEVER would have been poisoned by some panty waist when just about to take the arabian peninsula.
boring
ramses the great? get bent
compared to ed, all he did was ponce about with eyeliner on and spent his whole life working on an iconic symbol to ensure his fame thousands of years into the future. Ed could have one of those, but hes too cool.
boring
'great balls of fire', bollocks!
more like piffling nad globules of a bit of smog wafting off them
ed actually invented rock and roll, some black bloke in the 60's was just copying him, typical...
'great expectations' i hear you whimper?
rubbish! compared to eds genius itd be called lame-o vague hopes of mediocrity
ed could write a much better book than charles dickhead about social inequalities in victorian britain if he felt like it, he just didnt, so bog off!
'great barrier reef', ptoooheys!
just a mish mash assortment of dead sealife with no real attraction, if you were to ask ed. Now, if ed were a barrier reef, thatd be something to marvel at and put your goggles on and stick yer bum in the air about. You might even catch a great tune underwater!
'great southern stand', barf and schlarf!
if ed had designed a stand, it wouldnt be just bits of steel and concrete! itd be a whole new defining moment in standage. like when ed invented classical music and got ripped off by beethoven, ravel, bach, the pompino bros et al. lightweights!
'great wall of china', a deficient childs play!
Ed would never have needed to build a big load of old lego bits to keep the mongolian hordes out. He would have enthralled and entranced them with some heavenly tunes from a nearby hill and they would have ended up bringing flowers to him and writing poetry to the local han population.
you almost get the picture, you cant really get it coz you arent as cool as ed. Indeed ed has also; invented punk before those ramones fools or the sux pistols, got skinny, got fat, got a beard, shaved it off.defeated communism with song called, ed is great, no really, he bloody well is and dont try to argue, coz you arent as cool as ed, invented time travel, designed a cure for aids but then burnt it coz he couldnt be bothered with all the pressure man, proved the earth is lemon jelly shaped, abolished child literacy, held the record for the most amount of paddle pops in your mouth, implemented an atheist caliphate over previously backward arab and asian countries, got off with george bush snr behind the bike sheds, discovered alien life forms and then made a hat out of them, AND really shown chris bailey by not letting him say anything on this blog, hah!

I'm not exactly talking about my friend George

ants in your pants?
seems that way
sneak orf to the lamb and flag
but its not really the lamb and flag
its a larf innit?
no
but its got a pretty silly name
so, how about a bargain pizzavis?
dont mind if he does
check out the jugs on that bar
yummy yummy yummy
how old is that bloke with no legs?
pretty bloody old
he'll be heading south again
too much noise
too much blahdy blah
somebody was sick of shouting
might've been me
cyrllic adaption
there goes whats his knobs
or his dibs
never his hibs
and why not?
no pint on punk for you
the greyhound has bolted
its back to back George
firstly an ickle stop orf
in the lane bar
really luverly decor man
clawwwwsy
then a short trip early doors to the public bar
my little toilet
lavatory no tho
leoning all over the bah humbug
sticking earrings in your not ear
what was that all about
jagermeister shots?
what was he thinking?
bloody pissedvis
probably lots of banging on
willy koder?
what the fuck?
blah blah bocs
that was odd
sheya batemen
somebody's nose on a fort
more beer
english ladies intent on chatter
this is a low

hear hear

The Guardian Online, 20/05/2007
Nimer Sultany

Natives, not immigrants

Palestinian citizens are not immigrants to Israel; they had lived in their homeland long before Israel became a reality.

As the native sons and daughters of Palestine, the Palestinian citizens in Israel are always amused by the arguments: "If you do not like your inferior status - you can leave; if you define yourself as a Palestinian and sympathise with the Palestinian struggle for freedom and self-determination - you can join your brothers and sisters in Palestine."

Of course those making these arguments do not note the irony underpinning their thinking:

First, immigrants - including recent immigrants like cabinet minister Avigdor Lieberman - or descendents of immigrants are asking the indigenous population to leave their own homeland.

Second, through designing state policies, institutionalised discrimination, and a popular culture of hate, they are making the lives of the natives unbearable in the hope they will be "encouraged" to leave.

Third, these arguments are presupposing the false assumption that the Palestinian minority is a minority of immigrants like the Turks in Germany or the Pakistanis in the United Kingdom. As a minority of immigrants they are supposed, so goes the argument, to adjust to their new country of choice and bear the consequences of alienation with the new reality and symbols of the state. They cannot seriously have complaints about their status because they themselves had chosen to migrate to this state. If they do not like it they might migrate again.

Those same persons using this kind of argument will be appalled when anybody answers their complaints concerning "Arab hostility" to Israel and "terrorist attacks" by saying: "You had chosen to immigrate to Palestine and establish a state in the Middle East in an Arab region on the expense of the indigenous people. If you do not like this reality you can leave."

The fact of the matter is the Palestinian citizens did not immigrate to Israel; rather they had lived in their homeland long before Israel became a reality.

Fourth, another irony is the fact that Israeli policies themselves are preventing the emergence of a Palestinian state. By refusing to withdraw from the occupied land, destroying the Palestinian authority in the recent intifada, building more and more colonies and expanding Greater Jerusalem, building a separation wall inside the West Bank, refusing to engage in any meaningful negotiations in more than six years, rejecting and boycotting the democratically elected Palestinian officials (whether Arafat or Hamas government), destroying the Palestinian economy (as a report by the World Bank has just indicated), and cutting the territories into isolated Bantustans - Israel is making a Palestinian state look like a remote dream.

Further, it is making the Palestinian ordinary life unbearable "encouraging" more people to immigrate. The Palestinian citizens of Israel are being asked to join this man-made reality. Just to be asked again to leave.

Of course, the knee-jerk reaction to this last argument by Israeli apologists is: "Israel will withdraw when Palestinian violence ends." This argument does not take into account that the original sin is the occupation itself and that resistance is a natural historical outcome. It does not also answer the question of building colonies and sending more Jewish settlers. It does not as well answer the question why Israel did not withdraw from the Golan Heights.

For four decades, the Syrian-Israeli ceasefire line has been among the most quiet in the world and yet there is no intention to withdraw on Israel's part; on the contrary - its colonies are flourishing. In the last year we saw how Israel turns its back to a Syrian invitation for negotiations. Finally, this argument also attempts vainly to present Israel as a victim, as reacting to events, with no political agency.

The argument "you can leave", however, is not only amusing and ironic. It is also alarming. First, it serves to justify the institutionalised discrimination against the native population. "You think it is bad? We can make it worse," or "You can have it worse elsewhere, so sit quietly." In this Zionist perspective the Palestinian is an unwelcomed and unwanted guest. As a guest the Palestinian should behave, otherwise the citizenship status will be stripped. As a guest in his homeland, the Palestinian is expected to be thankful for the leftovers of rights that the new masters of the land might grant him.

Second it is not just an argument; it is also the basis for serious policy proposals by cabinet ministers, public opinion makers and members of the Israeli parliament. There is a long list of influential politicians, academics and journalists who have proposed variations of "exchange of lands" or "exchange of populations" or even expulsion with the purpose of getting rid of the native citizens and enhancing the Jewish ethnic and ideological character of the state. Two-thirds of the Jewish majority in recent years expressed its demand from the government to "encourage" the Palestinian citizens to emigrate. And one-third of the Jewish Israelis support the expulsion of Palestinian citizens.

These proposals are part of the conception that the Palestinian citizens are a "demographic threat". A Jewish state entails the maintenance of a solid Jewish majority. Therefore, it cannot coexist with a large Palestinian minority. It has been and will always be - so long as it is defined as such - concerned by how many Arabs and Jews were born in a certain year. Every newly-born Palestinian child inside Israel is a direct threat to the demographic equation. That's why serious and prestigious institutions and conferences (such as the Herzliya Conference, the Demographic Centre, the Public Council for Demography) convene to discuss how this demographic threat should be "contained".

That's why Benny Morris lamented (including in the Guardian) the fact that Ben-Gurion did not complete his project of expulsion of the natives in 1948.

The existence of Palestinian citizens in a Jewish and Zionist state reveals the inherent contradiction of the Zionist project: you cannot have a Jewish supremacy and claim that you are democratic because you do not propose equal and universal citizenship.

I'm talking 'bout my friend George

i got an email from George the other day
I was chuffed
the second one in a month or something
now thats surprising
he's living in Taiwan of all places
last i heard he had returnd to the vaterland
to speak francais without the hook
he certainly is a man of mystery
hes married now of course
and has a daughter
i bet shes pretty
it is hard to imagine him wombling the streets of taipei
his all action army scar giving the willies to the kids
mumbling about something
getting all arsey at naughty not chinese kids
i wonder if hes got his mandarin down pat
George always liked patting things
George of the surfboard trailer on the back of the bike
chuffing of down the Gower
scarcely credible if he asked me
George of the birthday trip to Alton Towers
George of the insane blonde hair
the very first tennis ball
George of the honestly coming to visit in the Dordogne
George of the just about to come down to Genova
George of the exceptional crapness
George of the worlds ugliest skoda
George the worst Aussie accent impersonation in history
Struth you George
George of the accommodation provision in Brixton
George of the quiet chat over a guiness or 3 somewhere in central London
safe from the insane hustle outside
George of driest humour
George of the Swiss passport
George of the nose picking
George on the end of another cymbeline battering
George of the Thai restaurant in Salisbury
George of the unmentionables
George had a plan
George may have already been a man
and now the fool is living in Taiwan!

you, yes you

this is about you
not him
or her
its about you
not about missing apostrophes
or spelling errors
i cant be arsed about that
trevor didnt rate a mention
not to mention boris
whoops he just did
fancy being the topic of the least read blog in the place
dont let it go to your head
dont go and get all carried away about it
it doesnt signify any thing much
a blog couldnt signify nowt
even my devoted love blog to catherine amounted to nothing
she didnt even look at it
too busy living the whackiest life in engerland
juicy did see her devotion lite
that was touching
knowing juicy it was probably all about touching
pervy cow
but this is not about catherine or juicy
its about you
you know who you are
you know what you are wearing
you know what it feels like when your smalls ruck up
stop it now
theres no point in carrying on about it
put that thing down
he doesnt have a paper bag to call beatmeupvis
she never shat a satsuma
or is that tsatsuma
wrestling
but who are you theatre?
and neither do you theatre
something about vanessa redgrave
digression is not available on beck and call
you know why you sit that way
why your back arches when you think naughty things
how your seat winds you down
why the riddle of the nuts
and why not
where that scar came from
and the fact that you have a smole mole in that rather intimate of places
and why that dream about the man in the pink suit disturbs you so
only you can tell me that
except there are no words to communicate these things
words fail you
dreams and fears
thats what its all about

slack

innit?

guffaw guffaw

in case you think that this might be made up: www.pompino.co.nz



People in new zealand are pretty smart...

Sports and leshure activities free

Croquet; constipated idiots with big mallets biff a ball at an oversized paperclip. Cucumber sandwiches and tea anyone? Possibly not bad if you are really, really drunk. 1/10
Lacrosse; possibly a figment of someones imagination. Or maybe it's Canadian, regardless it's just pants. 1/10
Cycling; like motorcycling, but with less motor. Big races on roads are quite spectacular but the drugs are rubbish, no buzz at all. BMX bandits was bollocks. Pink t-shirts can be manly.5/10
Table tennis; clear off the dinner, its time to belt crap out of a big rice bubble. not too be taken seriously unless you can use chopsticks with your arms behind your back.4/10
Darts; the most drunken game available. fat old english blokes quaff beer and smoke fags and throw pointy things at the wall. Some bloke shouts One hundred and eeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiighty! 6/10
Dwarf Throwing; that's just not nice now is it? 0/10
Skiing; More bits of wood with people standing on them. Often going particularly fast down the side of a mountain. Spettacolare! 7/10
Luge/skelebones; lie down and hurtle down a big icy pole. Get a bit to comfy with somebody of the same gender. Hopefully fall off at great speed. 6/10
Ski jumping; like skiing, except no turning, just flying off a big ramp. great to look at, but is it really a sport? 6/10
Rock climbing; climbing on rocks, with special appeal no nerds who find fake rocks in doors and climb on them.2/10
Boxing; either a sport of gods, a true test of strength and courage or just 2 muscle brained fools beating each other up. The champion is.... nobody knows because there are 14 different championships. 4/10
Wrestling; i think they greeks invented it, but then again they invented gay homsexuality. wriggle squirm and pull faces.3/10
Paragliding; a big coathanger with sticky tape holding a human dangling underneath in a cotton condom. might be fab, might be fatal.And isnt the view so lovely.5/10
Curling; yes they were taking the piss, only invented so england could win something. you need some brooms, some ice and to keep a straight face.1/10
Sumo wrestling; see normal wrestling, except with salt, chopsticks in your hair and really, really big fat blokes stamping their feet in an effort to adjust their nappies. 8/10
Water skiing; boats and sticks. possibly exhilarating if you can stand up, watch out for logs and crocodiles.3/10
Horse racing; cruel and inhumane,and that's just to the little blokes onboard. they are made to wear shiny pyjamas and beat up horses. The horses run like buggery and then get a bit of grass when they win. The owners get loads of wonga. A magnet for corrupt nob ends and dressy uppy posey twats.1/10

Sports and leshure activities too

Soccerball; blokes running around and not scoring very often. remind you of anyone? An awful lot falling over and pretending to be hurt. In certain cultures an inordinate amount of hair fixing too.8/10
Motor Racing; people going around and around on bits of machinery with wheels on them. Often very speedily and often very boganly. alain prost was extremely cool.7/10
Pool/Billiards/Snooker; lots of poking balls on green felt with big sticks. also involves an awful lot of standing around and some bloke sounding very serious and whispery.6/10
Netball; ladies running on a basketball court wearing girly bibs with playing statues as soon as you get the ball. Mysteriously the ball cannot be bounced and you can't run with it. Basketball without the interesting bits.3/10
Cricket; vastly confusing. nothing actually happens. extreme amounts of standing around and a ball and a bat. the rules include silly mid wickets,deep long legs, extra covers and slips. Umpires must be able to stand on one leg ralph maccio style.5/10
Athletics-Track; people running a lot. sometimes fast, sometimes slow. sometimes they jump sometimes they don't. The general rule being, short races are won by big black people and long races are won by small black people. Running birds have scary stomach muscles.5/10
Athletics-Field; a wide variety of people hurling themselves or other objects into/over and generally at things. the hammer doesnt look like a hammer, the shot is just a big old convict ball and the pole vault looks like nothing on earth. High jumpers are very tall and skinny and triple jumpers are just muppets who like skipping.4/10
Softball; a girlier and wussier version of baseball, what's the fucking point? 2/10
Rounders; is to baseball what newcomb is to volleyball, just plain stupid. makes softball seem riveting. good for people with no legs whatsoever.1/10
t-ball; how low can you get? rounders for people with no legs and working on brain stem only. almost as bad as rugby league 0.1/10
badminton; very sweaty tennis like game. dainty little racquets and a cutesy wutesy shuttlecock.Surprisingly fun as you can really beat up the cutesy wutesy shuttlecock.7/10
Squash; tennis played in an oversized toilet cubicle. loads of squeaking and it sore bottoms are inevitable. 6/10
Sailing; a super idea for a bit of 'relax'. Not intended for faffing about and racing as such, far more effective than most sleeping pills. Do not watch while driving or mix with alcohol. you may die of boredom. Also; attracts rich wankers
Rowing; great concept, shit in practice. loads of people with bits of wood, sitting in one skinny bit of wood, shaking their bits of wood about in unison. ends up being quite a drag as every simply MUST take it awfully seriously and are horrid rich prats.

Sports and leshure activities

Tennis; Bungholes in shorts hit a small ball at eachother,vaguely entertaining if one can be bothered concentrating and if opponents are equally matched. 3/10
AFL; Bungholes in small shorts kick etc a funny shaped ball at eachother; fast, furious but a bit funny looking.5/10
Petanque/Bocce/Boules; Pretty groovy game of throwing/rolling shiny balls at another ball on gravel. Don't ask Erik to differentiate if you don't want to hear the word cazzo.7/10
Lawn Bowls; Rubbish old persons game involves rolling spheres fare away and then changing your nappy. Petanque/Bocce/Boules without the good bits.1/10
Handball; who bloody knows? something about a hand and ball, maybe a bit like squash, maybe not. apparently big in some country called europe. 2/10
Rugby Union; fat blokes crunch into eachother while other blokes fanny about. Really quite dire except if you live in Wales, then its alright. 2/10
Rugby League; Fat blokes crunch into eachother. basta. really quite dire unless you have no brain at all. no redeeming features except some wankers get beaten up. 0/10
Ice Hockey; something about ice and hockey, Swedes seem to like it. Good violence and high speed crunching into eachother. Aggro blokes whizzing about with big sticks. good idea. 5/10
Grass Hockey; Like the above but on grass, slower and less violent. crap game, usually played by prats. 2/10
Tiddlywinks; better than rugby league.1/10
Shooting; Stupid idea for a sport, shoot a flying bit of cow dung or a target over there. undoubtedly will help the furtherment of the human race.1/10
Surfing; Occasionally standing up on some wood in the water, compulsive talking about it afterwards to other lobotomised people. good birds tho.3/10
Skateboarding; Occasionally standing up on a bit of wood on wheels, compulsive talking about it afterwards to other lobotomised teens. listening to shouty music obbligatorio.2/10
Rollerblading/Rollerskating; moving around on boots with wheels on them. Good idea except has magnetic attraction for enormous posey twats. 1/10
Swimming; Waving your arms and legs about wildly backwards and forwards for a pre-determined amount of distance or until you knock yourself unconscious. Kind of fun, but not really.5/10
Diving; Hurling yourself off various bouncy and not bits of stuff into water. A bit rascist really, but cool when that bloke smashed his head off with aids.4/10
Water Polo; groups of people wearing girly hats smashing eachother in the bits underwater while pretending to swim after a ball. 3/10 (but i wouldnt tell them)
Horsey Polo: Hassling a horse while waving a stick around at a golf ball. Exclusive domain of enormous rich arseholes. Cool people park their horses with the arse facing the field and sit there til the end. 1/10
Polo Mints; not bad, leave with fresh breath. 6/10
Golf; toodling about a big park with sticks and being cranky at a white spotty ball. Can be quite relaxing, but mostly bloody annoying. 6/10
Volleyball; teams of fit amazon birds bounce around a lot, other things might go on involving a ball. 6/10
Beach Volleyball; Something lost on transferral to beach. blokes in tiny speedos and birds in tinier bikinis hurl themselves around and look very serious. 4/10
Newcomb; Just plain stupid.0/10
Baseball; blokes in pyjamas take turns to try and fail to hit a ball. Very american and very boring (surprise)2/10
Basketball; Big black blokes run around and bash into eachother and inevitably throw a ball into a net. makes you wonder why. Loads of ridiculous rules about when you stick your tongue in the opponents ear and why not? 5/10
GridIron; God I hate americans.big black blokes all covered with tampons crunch into eachother and then everybody stops, repeat for who knows how many minutes. 3/10

crocodile snogging

crocodile snogg-ing
ahhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa
unusually dangerous I trust you'll agree

the human rice

the human rice was invented by dog
about 45 months back now
dog was watching grande hermano on telly
it were rubbish
big bog boris had just busted a move on treetop trellis
it hadnt gone down at all well
name calling such as slimeball has ensued
and the vulcan volcano
the one with the big ears
kept spitting on plain jane
all rather predictable thought dog
maybe i should make my first letter a capital?
no, then nobody would ever take me seriously
especially not those monotheistic prats
gits with long sideburns and big coats
twats praying to a stone 12 times a day
nob ends singing songs about some still born fool child that i never spawned
sod it
let them all blow each other up with sticks
in my mane
so it came to pass that the human rice was invented by dog
it was only a touch less stupid than a young liberal
but with MUCH less prejudice
the human rice was long grain
with no fabbo added yellow bits
not mad at all about saffron
it rolled around the erf
and practiced cannabilism
it built great temples
and some rubbish ones made out of aloooominum too
it erected statues of dog in its own image
even though secretly atheistic
it kept a wide berth of curry and chili
not to mention those evil icky eels
he sought companship in basmati
and was rebuffed
fucking snobs
it courted a bird called jasmine
she smelt super
at least virtually
and got nowhere in inter racial dialogue with long brown man
downhearted and feeling oh so alone
it tried to invent science
to get up dog's trouser legs
nope, its all hocus pocus
tried to start wars
but nobody paid attention
as it was only a grain of rice
to small to be taken seriously
even with that stupid slug balanced delicately on its upper volta
it discovered a wheel
but he kept getting squashed sooner or later
and was just about to discover the meaning of rice life
when some butthead munched him down in a bowl with bits of egg and bacon

sparring with the (little) man

dont give anything away now
dont let them in
it could be used against you
de fences up
interrogation number bloody
oh what joy
harry is here to help
like fuck
oh, hang on
maybe she is
take no chances
hold the line
let nothing give
a line of questioning
another line of questioning
what do they really want?
is it another evil ploy?
or could it be a good soul
trying to do the right thing?
mental agility pushed to the limit
lucky ive got plenty
amongst the clouds
defiance and indignation
where do they get off?
find the stop and burn it down
scorchiod earth
vengeance upon bad fuckers
2 hours of power
get inside my mind
i bloody dare you
try it on
outsmart the master of sarcasm
too clever by half for a professional
at unhinged age 12
patti smith wouldve been proud
so bring on the next puppet
a hand firmly rammed from below
ever danced with the maggot in the pale matchlight?
dead bats everywhere
are you really here to help?
could it truly be possible?
the hippocratic oaf my arse
sell your soul for a few small beans
like a bow tied twat
filthy little man
did my nifty gothic two step
and astute grape picking
stand in my own way?
trust no-one
look how far it'd gets you
2 years and counting of shafting
whats chance of good intention
kick the fuck out of them while down
at least give it a good hard try
whoops whats this?
a good hard kicked back
i will kick my backside off
a point of principle
even if
in the end of the day it ends in nowt
they will fucking sweat it
and the leeches will earn
but fucked if i will fold
a faceless beaurocracy
soulless in the extreme
the structural incarnation of the culture of me
it's fine
it's legal
morals have no part to play
nobody can be held accountable
every tool just doing their job
manipulate most of the fools some of the time
with fear, prejudice and lies
years of power
but a legacy of shit
theres no glory where you are going
the future will see you as nothing more than an aberration
a nasty little smear
step outside coward howard
insipid worm
you made the ultimate impersonal super personal
insignificant pustule

a chinese midget pug dog sucking meatloaf through a straw

it's nothing personal mind
it never is...

loving living laughing funning life-ing

I love my friends, my wine and laughing!
love to laugh
have a good time and plenty of laughs.
Fun loving girl who enjoys life!
fun & likes a laugh!
have some fun and enjoy life.
and enjoys life!
love to laugh and generally have fun!
who loves to have a laugh
Fun, easy going looking for lots of laughs, good times
Love nothing more than a good laugh, a good drink and a good time!!!
Could Lionel have been right??
Life just keeps getting better
Enjoys a laugh and a chat
good company and someone who enjoys a laugh!
Friends, fun, laughter and good times
Love a laugh
I love life!! I'm easy going and love just hanging out and being around friends
down to earth person who enjoys life
Life is short... live it to the max!
a few laughs and good times!!!
Love to Laugh.
enjoys going out with friends and enjoying life.
Well im a fun loving
and having a fun time,
Happy, friendly .........
love a good laugh..
You only live once
Laughter is the best drug!
believes that life is about living!
knows how to enjoy life if you think we can have a laugh
Life is what you make it..
to share fun times
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
Living life to the fullest is my motto
Fun loving
good conversations and good times.... and love a laugh.
Fun, loving, honest, dte, loves to smile, and a good time...
share in the laughter.
I'm a person who enjoys fun
I am looking for a fun
Live life to the extreme!
I'm always up for a laugh
always looking for a laugh
If your looking for fun you've come to the right place.
Life is too short to sit on the sideline…
Life's an adventure,are you ready to join
I’m a balanced person who enjoys having fun
Fun, friendly and easy going... I like a good laugh!
you only live once!!!
I'm just looking for fun and good times
who absolutely loves life, people
Life's to short to have regrets
who knows how to have fun.
Always living life to the fullest!!
I'm Always up for a bit of Fun!!!
Love to Laugh
Not afraid to have fun.
It's all about having fun...
always bubbly/fun
and enjoys a good laugh
looking to have a great time
embraces life to the fullest
trying to get the most out of life.
Life is short so enjoy!
I'm a fun loving...
Are you easy going and fun?
Easy going and love a laugh!!
live life to the fullest
Life is too short not to try something!
down to earth and love a good laugh
I am a funloving and optimistic person
Take a chance...Live life!!!
I am happy go lucky
Happy, fun,
out to have a good time
Friendly...easy going...fun!
have an interesting conversation and a laugh?
Slightly scatty and fun
Without sounding like a cliche...I love my life!
Easy going, fun loving.........
I'm all about having fun, a good laugh, and taking life as it comes.
a little cheeky...and love to laugh
easy going, friendly, athletic, loves to laugh
have fun doing it!
The time for living is now

BASTA!!!

Dan Dan Dan

swearing is good for you
just look
fuck
shit
bollocks
arse
maggoty
cunt
clint
bloody
big jobs
crap
turd
bastard head
tossface
buggery bottom burp
prickhead bungsnap
wanker
god is a poof
gay homosexual ute
look its the door
vaffunculo
big rotten
stronzo
cazzo di merda di puttana
jesus in naily boots in the valley of goat death
pig god
fucking pig god! stupid bastard breath insult
vaffanculo
i think you should go to church today
assssmunch
beavis
suckwhole lemon butt freak nose nad
oh fuck off
right in the ear
tregua di merda
yeah yeah yeah
shit music
musica del cazzo
vacanze anale
bring me a seat
and not your bloody seat
rectal disfunction
dystopian stronzo for brains

Copacobana......

Well, I knew a guy
He topped the lot
He wouldn't publish his profile on RSVP

That's all I can think of for now.......

they think it's all over

it is now...
after that peak of creative genius where is there to go?

The day Beavis finally wrote a blog

errrrr .........

cafe limbo mimbo

this just in last week
limbo doesn't exist any more
dammit what am i going to do now?
that really is a blow
i was so hoping to get there and hang out for a bit
as i haven't been battistutad
it could have been a larf
me and all those poor ickle infants
not to mention how many billion infidels
i was just warming to the idea
and then poof
it simply ceases to exist
just coz some git in a white dress says so
fair play to him
at least he said it an groovy language
allora, first there was limbo
on which i was just about to
base my entire outlook on life/death
it was integral
but now its not
its gone
it was deemed uncool
how can a place exist
and then just cease to exist?
imagine if you could do that with earthly realms
boronia no longer exists
bogon bastardi
coz i said it when wearing my dress
ciao ciao new zealand
what ARE you on about?
get bent adelaide
and stop fucking saying ay all the fucking time
whoops there goes large chunks of 'god bless america'
no explanation required
unfortunately for all those superior french people
france didnt make the cut
anywhere where a horrid little worm man might be found
well that will cease to exist
and he fall into a big pit of nasty stuff
the grounds of the ex ringwood high school
scum dwellers
jakana has gone
it may have never been there at all...
and unfortunately for 1 billion odd people
india isnt there any more
camel made me do it
a thousand apologies
and beavis' butt
the world will be a much better place without reginald
and for the the coup of grace
israel is gone
it was a stupid idea in the first place
guilt will make people and nations do ridiculous things
but where to put a few million people?
no more napalm
no more cia
no more wounded knee
no more really really old oranges

vortex appears unleashed by the crash

sure it does odessa

Like a tost

Allora,
Ciao slave to the economist come stai?
STTE:
Bene,bene,bene, o male, male, male ?
STTE:
Che fai di bello?
STTE:
Wow! thats not the shorts i got from the factory!
STTE:
e gli studi, adesso devi aspettare fino a giugno?
STTE:
Allora, perche non vieni qui in Australia per un pochino?
STTE:
Vabbe, ci vediamo al Melbourne Airport Martedi...
STTE:
cmq, credi che esista un dio?
STTE:
Secondo me, adesso che c'e Grande Fratello di Merda ecc, la gente non ha bisogno di una distrazione del genere.
STTE:
No, no non ho una ragazza al momento, e tu, la solita flotta di ammiratori?
STTE:
Ma, sei modesta quanto sei carina!
STTE:
ahhh grazie, hai ragione questa maglietta blu mi fa sembrare gli occhi piu blu...
STTE:
Adesso devo andare a prepare la cena...
STTE:
sure baby, chissa, forse potremmo anche parlarci veramente in msn prima o poi...
STTE:
baci
STTE:
now im on a bus to ciudad del mexico!
STTE:

how to fight lavatories

you just smile all the time...

Fuck you right in the ear......

Alcohol's running a bit low
You were sick all over yours, and you accused me of being sick all over mine
Yes, I remember, I had the lasange
Always fade out, in a montage
I'm almost with you, I can sense you'll ruin this song for me
Moaning between headjobs
Jimbo boy, you're a crock of shit, you're a booze selfish thug, why don't you give your mouth a go, and in the other hole stick a plug
I've discharged my responsibilities Neil, now I suggest you discharge yours
I had to, I was drunk
Bambi goes ape crazy with Beavis and weapons
Good old Collingwood forever, we know how to play the game
Hum a few bars and I'll kick your head in
200 pounds of durex please....., oh sorry, force of habit
travis and bob head
slots
ronery

That's all I can think of for now, but I know we could go on ripping other funny people off forever, and applying it in new and much funnier circumstances ;-)

ooh im very fucking happy

oh yeah, thats just fab
fuck them all
right in several ears

this sepository lifestyle...

faff about heavily
to drive
to park
to bike
to park you bike?
to roll models
stand over there
that will achieve something
probably not
but how will the wotsit work in this light?
will my howsit flare up in that seating arraignement?
will it be the same without lady F's critical appraisal?
arghghghgh
go and search advice from a higher being
snigger snigger
none the wiser
but much more mooksier
and with an abundance of fag
fear not fools
the tamer of leon is here
he of the munchie delivering
he of the hole drilling
he of the bike fixing
help desking eyecandyvis
so its to be rock and recoil
all the way to the SBFplanade
nearby to the place where the frik once lay
only to find 2 people
with 1 table
and 1 view
and isn't it so lovely
as damon said
as somebody else scrawled on primrose hill
and as ANGALA fixxxed up
twas luvverly it was
a people wotching
a birru quaffing
a butfooneering
but the view
the setting sun
the seaside i love to be beside
the cracking company
and the snacking company
i luvs a bit of inter reaction
not bloody inter milan
they bite
massimo moratti can go dig anther whole
vaffanculo

it looks like your head will fall off

please dont turn your head so fast
it looks like it will fall off
at least thats what old geezer-san thinks
the sushi seems to be a little disappointing
not like we had in old tanaka town
somehow he imagined more
from the booth on the right
with the beer coloured glass
to the row of tables down the wall
much humble bowing and scraping
many small words were used
but it was empty for the most
ahhh there may be a story in there somewhere