Portfolio eye view of the world - N Part 2

N
New Zealand
Wella, wella, wella...wellington. There is so much and so little to say about new zealand and much more indeed to say about its inhabitants. Starting from the start, new zealand looks nothing like old zealand.. did you even know there was an old one?! It is a couple of islands floating vaguely off the eastish coast of osstraya. From all reports the scenery is spectacular, lord of the rings etc etc. Big arse mountains, fjords, umm the other things that people like to look at. People i love and respect and beavis say its really lovely, I went there when i was about 5 mins old and dont remember much and once again for 16 hours in transit and dont remember much either, except getting really drunk with some guy from jersey. Most new zealanders i have met have been quite chilled people, BUT there is a substantial portion of them that have big old chips on their shoulders about osstrayans and are excruciating about it. They can fuck right off, twats.
travel advice-if you are osstrayan, pretend to be from err madagascar, thatll throw them

Nicaragua
Vaguely famous from the eighties when there was all that political trub going down in central america. NOT FUCKING KANSAS! Sandanistas or something with godblessamerica making the usual uninvited big mess. It is only little and they do speak ththhththththt, so beware! but im thinking itd be cool to visit, so i ruddy well will then.
travel advice-look up the ththhththth in your spanish english dictionary and try to stay fashionable.

Niger
Niger let me down a few years back. For many, many moons I larfed and larfed and the larfed some more because i thought it was pronounced NIGer, oh what a grand let down that was. But the Nigerese (?) people cant be held responsible for that, as much i would like them to be. Their country is suspiciously close to Nigeria, which makes me think some shit was going down at some point or somebody had a mental block in the naming department. But Niger was a french colony in western africa as opposed to nigeria (british), so who bloody knows. it's landlocked and not far from the sahara, which sounds like a big recipe for trub soup to me.
travel advice-not everybody will be called nigel when you get there, sorry about that.

Nigeria
Is not niger with a couple of vowels banged on the end by some excitable italian. It is its own country and the most powerful country in africa, with a large population, a big army and loads of oil. It is also hopelessly corrupt, with gazillions of euros being sucked up by a dodgy and corrupt government and cronies and large parts of the population being terribly poor. To add insult to injury, the top part of the country is run by muslim lunatics who think that stoning people to death is a great idea and women deserve the same rights as a cupboard doorknob. Bad news!
Catherine told me about nigeria and i remain scared ten years later.
travel advice-ask catherine to talk some sense into you, what were you thinking butthole?

Norway
I dig norway, but i dont dig graves. A gorgeous country full of gorgeous people lots of fish! Famous for its fjords and stunning nature, norway is fab. I wanted to move there until some bloke talked sense into me in bergen and said that it sucks large ones in winter. But in summer! Dio tuo! Only in the last wotsit or so it booted out the danes and then the swedes only for those nasty nazis to show up and be right stronzi. Norway is renowned for their fab social security and tolerance. Norway was founded by a bloke called Munch! What more could you want!
travel advice-make it your only holiday for the next 20 years, its damn expensive!

i'm making your favourite tonight...

oh you beauty...

Portfolio eye view of the world- N Part 1

N
Namibia
It used to be known as german west africa until the second world war, and then it became namibia. what the fuck were the germans doing there in the first place? empire my sweaty yellow culo! they couldnt even get it right in that indiana jones film, they all got melted or something. anyway, Windhoek is the capital and apparently there are some extremely kick arse sand dunes inland and there is a coast called the skeleton coast or the boner coast or something.
travel advice-try to count all the grains of sand, thatll sort you out.

Nauru
Isnt Nauru that island made entirely of guano, ie bird shit? tee bloody hee. A whole island made of bird crap. I understand they mined their island as goano is worth loads of wonga, but they had to stop coz they were running out of island to live on! Its all very funny except they are probably going to sink under the rising oceans and it got used as an enormous refugee dumping ground by the previous fucking cunt australian government and their pacific final solution. Oh and its in the pacific, probably south eastern bit
travel advice-an island of crap, haw haw!

Nepal
Settle down you stalinist freaks, its Nepal that just got rid of its monarchy, super for nepal! If only australia were that brave. Beavis went to nepal once and flounced around with his stupid hair and saw some big mountains and grew a comedy beard. Its home of half the highest mountain on the planet, the top half, which has the traditional nepali name of mt everest. its squeezed between india and tibet (A real country). The capital is Lhasa which is not the name of a yoghurt milkshake and probably not everybody is called sherpa if you ask around.
travel advice-pay sixty grand, get half way up mt everest and then fall off and die.

The Netherlands
So it isnt called Holland any more? Is it still okay to call the locals dutch, or will they beat you up for calling them a name that sounds uncomfortably like that of their big, bad bullyboy neighbours? The capital is Hamsterdam where everybody goes and gets stoned, except me. For such a tiny country they sure have kicked a lot of arse of the centuries (and worn a lot of orange). they had an extensive colonial deal including south africa, indonesia, surinam and other bits. They came up with loads of artists, musicians and beer and then they killed anne frank. You can find a lot more than clogs, windmills, dope and sex there too, you just have to look around. I accidentally found naked people in a park! Home to Denis Bergkamp-legend car!
travel advice-the dutch are way cool people, just hang out and have a chat.

A due pezzenti

Mi fate schifo, ho sempre voluto dirvilo da quasi dieci anni ormai. La vostra poverta di imaginazione e di intelletualita vi rende persone idegne di communicare con le gente civilizata. Voi due appartenete ad un mondo che non esiste piu. I vostri cosidetto morali sono moribunde e patetici. Avete fatto niente altro che allontanare la vostra unica figlia, la vostra unica ragione di essere. Che tristezza, mi fareste pena e se non mi foste stati cosi maleducati avrei la pieta per voi. Ma no, da scelta vostra avete effetivamente perso qualsiasi speranza di tenere vicina e sotto vostro controllo. Hai reso impossible che vi respetta piu. Quindi per il vostro stesso comportamente avete rovinato l'unica cosa che vi importa. Ogni volta avete provate di reprendere controllo con un altro gioco ineffetuale, l'avete spinta sempre piu lontano. Siete patetici.
A parte tutta questa, la vostra comportamente nel mio confronto e' stata veramente tremendo. Dall'inizio non avete provato ad capirmi, Anche se non avevate mai avuto la possibilita di comprendermi. Siete due persone incapaci di rendersi conto di dove vengo, come ragiono e le mie orrizonti intelletuali. Siete pezzenti e' basta. Senza avere mai viaggiati fuori del vostro paese come vi avevate permetteti di aggiudicarmi, di decidere che non ero degno della vostra figlia? Non avete nessun'idea di quanto ho voluto sputtarvi in faccia le vostre stupidaggine e maleducazioni. Solamente per il rispetto dei desideri sui che non vi ho rinfacciato le vostre stupidita ed ignoranza. Avrei potuto smembrarvi verbalmente, dipingere un ritratto di quanto siete primitivi, lo vostra cristianita e' una credenza dei deficenti. Siete creduloni e insignificanti creaturi che non valete che vi sputo in faccia.
La cosa piu bella per me sara' la vostra tristezza nella vecchiaia che vi aspetta la vostra figlia sara sempre remota e non si fidera mai piu di voi. Ogni giorno che vi passa risultera un giorno perso in cui non avete fatto niente di valore e' la vostra unica speranza di felicita sara sempre piu lontana, e questo, cari sciocci rimane sempre colpa vostra
Andate e fanculo

somebody was giving me grief the other day...

So I sorted them well out
I gave them a bit of stick!
boom FUCKING boom!

who is that cattish chap with his smalls on the outside?

faster than a speeding topo
more powerful than a CERN atom smasher
able to leap up onto the roof from the divding brick wall in a single bound
Look! Look! Just fucking look dammit! out the back shouting loudly wanting to come in
its a dead bird, its a barbecue on an angle, its Micio Man!

Yes, its Micioman- strange visitor from another back yard who came to Leon Springs with powers and a fluffy ickle tummy far beyond those of mortal men. MicioMan- who can change the course of fly buzzing around the telly, scratch that box near the other copmuter with his bare claws, and who, disguised as Cookie, mild manner furball for one of those houses over the back of the alley, fights the never ending battle for salmon, bacon fat and having his nose rubbed in the the most delightful way...

genius, pure genius...

if only i had known about this magnificent place a year ago... sigh

Portfolio eye view of the world- M Part 3

Moldova
Im not too sure about Moldova, in fact for ages i thought it was either a made up country in the tintin books by herge or invented by the working dog people. But it turns out to be real and really quite small. Somewhere near the black sea (or not) and formerly part of the USSR blah blah. The capital is not called bastardville east.
travel advice-a passport rammed up your arse is as good as no passport at all

Monaco
A country? I could have sworn it was just a principality. Anyway its more a farce. A couple of hundred years back it was part of the territory of Genova-La Supeba. And until somebody built a casino there it was a nothing at all, much less glamorous than San Remo over the Italian border. But they did and there was the whole James Bond thing and it hasnt looked back. A big tax haven and run by the Grimaldi family (also genovese) and got more famous when there was a F1 grand prix hosted there and some famous movie bint married into the royal 'ahem' family.
travel advice-keep off the grass, no really, there are signs everywhere telling you to.

Mongolia
Genghis, Kubla and Trevor Khan were all leaders of this north eastern asian former power house. From the plateaus and their tents 'Yurts' they kicked chinese arse so much that the chinese built big lego walls that didnt really do the trick and were forced to shout out 'god damn shitty mongorians!' in exasperation. They also kicked arse all across asia right into central europe, Austria if you dont mind and scared the crap out of everybody on the way with their head chopping carrying on and general brutality. They also built a big kick arse city which was unheard of for a nomadic peoples. The capital is ulaan bator and i suspect 'inner mongolia' was stolen by the chinese because they just looove doing that.
travel advice-dont wander around shouting out goddam shitty mongolians, just a hunch.

Montenegro
Black mountain is it? Something like that if you take its name quasi literally in latin form, but as this is a portfolio eye view of the world not a latin one, bugger off. Its in the balkans, you know the deal, yugslavia, war, for some reason they stuck togther with Serbia after all the carnage but bailed afterwards. The smallest of the ex yugslav countries, with only 600,000 inhabitants, they still have a pretty handy football team.
travel advice-if you cut off your legs, they will not grow back, you are NOT a snail.

Morocco
I have met a lot of moroccans and almost exclusively they have been complete buttheads. But people i know and respect have been there several times and rabbit on about how fab it is. Mahgreb maschmeb. Its the westernmost country of northern africa, just across the med from gibraltar and french speaking. But chock full of nutty muslims which undermine moroccos attempts to be open to the world. Lots and lots of moroccans migrated illegaly to mediterannean europe, spain is full of them, as is france and italy and they are not particularly loved. This is partially to do with racism but more to do with the fact that the imigrants seem to hold zero respect for the host countries, which is WELL fucked up! AND they keep trying to claim Western Sahara even though its patently not theirs.
travel advice-i hear the atlas mountains are pretty fab, but i hear a lot of stuff.

Mozambique
I'm thinking that mozambique would be a fab place to visit, It certainly wouldnt have been until recently coz of all the civil wars and general chaos that follow on from being a portuguese colony. Facing Madagascar on the eastern coast of africa I just bet they have some fab bleaches and wotnot. I cannot expand because I am just so relieved these mofo M's are over...
travel advice-say jzjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjzzzzzzzzzzzzz a lot and see if you are understood or just locked up.

Portfolio eye view of the world - M Part 2

M Part 2
Malta
Its the home of all things hairy. Camel for one and my Maltese-in-law Steve. A little island in between sicily and africa, which is a very strategic location and great, except that everybody else including hitler every other bungsnap who wants to control the mediteranean thinks so too. There are really, really old ruins there, like a whole village of stonehenges and it was also home to the templar nights who had secret handshakes and kept jesus's butt crack on ice.
travel advice-do go around ragging on rocks, they like them there.

Marshall Islands
Not to be confused with the malcolm marshall islands or marshall mathews the 19th islands, or the mr marshallsea islands for that matter. Now all that is cleared up I cant tell you a fecking thing about the marshall islands as i dont know a fecking thing. I know they are islands and they are in the in the pacific and they probably got invaded by godbless america during world war 2 because they know better.
travel advice-take your arm floaties with you and fill them with sausage meat, so the sharks can smell you from a distance

Mauritania
Central north western sub saharan africa, its probably hot and sandy, i think they speak french and they probably have very little money. Err, that'll be that then. I expect loads of hate mail from my many mauritanian readers, so instead of carrying on about my ignorance why not send me a history of mauritania to make my life easier you bastards!?! I dont see you guys writing blogs about australia now, do i?!
travel advice-take a map, a compass and a camel and an OWWWLLLL

Mauritius
Its french, no it isnt, its british, no it isnt... its mauritius! In the indian ocean and just off the coast of madagascar. Lots of people go there for beach holidays and to eat fab seafood, which sounds like a damn good idea to me. Somebody i forgot went there for their honeymoon, it may have been emiliana and her bloke, and he didnt eat seafood, what a buttock! I do know they have an airline which offers good deals and i dig the loacation, so 13 earwigs on the wall rating.
travel advice- eat the bloody seafood for fucks sake!

Mexico
Yay for mexico! Its in north america although lots of ignorant buttocks think its in south america because they speak a 'funny' language. Its a big long country, the fact which i learned after planning to drive from top to bottom then seeing a proper map, you muppet! They do speak ththththh, but thats not their fault. Lots of people are trying to break into godblessamerica from mexico, which is an understandable pity, but mexico is a much, much cooler country, they just dont have any money! Beavis and I invaded mexico in alfonse and drove around like muppets not being able to ththth at anybody. Still we did get high and watch the big lebowski and see the barranca del cobre, the copper canyons. Apart from this there is all that fab aztec and mayan stuff which is simply blinding.
travel advice-blame the bloody spanish for killing off the locals, they were right bastards as they were everywhere else they went.

Micronesia
No, its not Polynesia or Melanesia or Nadonesia so at least we have established that. It's name suggests that as far as nesias go, its probably a bit on the small side. Like its fellow nesias, its in the pacific and consists of islands.
travel advice-ask them how to get to macronesia.. im sure thatd be a fab joke (unless there really is one and they are sworn enemies of micronesia, in which case they might kick your arse with an iron boot)

that's because you're inchoherent most of the time

gnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk
gnrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffffffff
gswwwwwwwwwwwwink
parrrrrrrrp
gummmmmmmmmmmmmmmpf
sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeta
diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrku
wnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
kssssssssssssssssssssssfffffriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyomppppppppppppppffffffffffffff
grrrrrrrrrrrrrgrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggg
my other car is a milk float with a flame thrower strapped on the front
so vvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafuncholoooooooooooooooooooooooo

Portfolio eye view of the world-M Part 1

M (Part 1)

Macedonia
The land of Tanya. If she is a fair representative sample, well Macedonia is full of very intelligent and batty people. Until explodey fun times of the 1990's it was a part of Yugoslavia and then blah blah blah. Of course the greeks dont like them calling their country that name, so they had to be called the artist formerly known as the former yugoslav republic of macedonia. The greeks claim they own the name and have a region called that too. why the cheeky slavs wanted a macedonia of their own ive no idea. I hope this situation has been resolved coz it caused tanya loads of problems with visas and wotnot. Skopje is the capital in case you were curious.
Travel advice-dont go looking for tanya there, shes in brazil or something

Madagascar
The setting for that famous book about the european that got washed up there and kept as an oddity by the local kings some centuries back. The book was a huge hit in europe but sadly turned out to be a hoax. Madagascar is a fab big island of the african coast in the indian ocean and i suspect home to some pretty funky wildlife. Definitely where recently the oldest fish ever was spotted, and it looked like bob hawke with a hangover.
Travel advice-swing a cat, i am sure theres enough room there for it.

Malawi
Malawi is great! There's a big malawi fan right here. It is one of the poorest countries in the world but with lovely shiny funky people. Malawi is bordered on one side by Lake Malawi (great name that), which is one of the biggest freshwater bodies on the erf. I learned to scuba dive there and couldnt see a bloody thing but got munched on the finger by an otter! The lake has spectacular beaches and there are kids that sell cobs of marywarner for bargain prices!
Yay for malawi!
Travel advice-go there, now. stop fucking about and go to the airport and get a ticket to lilongwe, now!

Malaysia
Yes it is isnt it? South east asia to a SEA. The end of the peninsula, (the malay pensinsula?) and the top slice of borneo and probably some islands make up malaysia. It is a muslim state (ho fucking hum) but at least it is vaguely democratic, not if you are mr anwar the former deputy pm. He got charged with bottomtouchytouchy which doesnt go down well in such places, but it was all a scam to keep him out of power. I have spent many quality hours in Kuala Lumpur airport so I am officially an expert on the country. I also hung out briefly in kota kinabalu airport and it looked bloody lovely outside, beaches and palms etc.
Travel advice - it would be a fab place for a beach holiday, but just dont get too homosexual or you might get in trub.

Maldives
All eleventy of them. A group of island not that far away from sri lanka or india in the indian ocean. Catherine lived there working as a wolverine dental assistant for quite a few moons and her photos and other evidence show it to be absofuckinglutely lush. All that postcard beach stuff. The only problem i can see is that its not easy or cheap to get to. To get to catherines island, you had to fly to north buttstan, catch a midnight goat express to Male and then swim backstroke with your nostril hairs across shark infested seas to get there. Probably worth the effort mind.
Travel advice- go there, lie down and suck it up.

Mali
Its big and its sandy and its a fair chunk of subsaharn west africa. It is home to the fabulously fabtastic city, Timbuktu. This city was pretty much the centre of the muslim worlds knowledge, at such a time when it had any. At this time it was ahead of europe before europe became enlightened and managed to largely throw off the shackles of christianity and the muslim world stagnated in the pitiful thing that is islam. These days timbuktu is small and mostly a big sand pit but 500 years ago it was fabled in both civilaztions until somehow it ended up being known as a good name for somewhere that probably didnt exist.
travel advice-byo ancient scrolls, you would think that as they are lying around under the sand they would be a bargain, but no!

help... again.. simon's forcing me to write a blog... again

it must be that time of year again - where simon's forcing me to write a blog. but how do you compete with philosophical masterpieces like "keith puts it in deep" ??? It seems to be at the forefront of Simon's mind at the moment, so if anyone has an answer could you please write in. Or better yet, if Kieth himself could shed some light on the matter Simon's moble number is 666.

that'll do me for now.....

keith puts it in deep...

he does you know
i have seen the written proof
it was documented on the underside of the top bunk
in a youth hostel
in interlaken switerland
I imagine that now a lot of people know about keith
and how he puts it in
(deep)
I mean
that was a very busy hostel
and it was a sturdy bunk bed arrangement
at least 2 people could sleep under it
on the bottom bunk
even perhaps 3
well at a pinch
it does beg the question
who inscribed this philosphical masterpiece ?
was it keith?
was it somebody in whoms camper he put it in deep?
was it an innocent bystander to this putting in?
was it somebody who met somebodys brother saw keith doing so in a movie?
the possibilities are endless
or is that mindless
and what was it that he put?
and what did he put it deep in?
the whole thing can make one feel pretty insignificant really
how to find more about this holy grail of literature and knowedge?
i bore witness to this great written fact in 1995
who knows how many had slept there before me?
or if that bed is still in use
at least a couple of thousand
i would imagine...
and most of them whilst lying on their backs
would have noted this grand pronouncement
and all these people
from all over the world
it was a youth hostel for farks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
have learned this great wisdom
and then returned to their countries
most probably via a dozen or so other countries
and spread the good word
about keith
and how he put it in...



my addition to this great wall of genius
was a mere
'there no such thing as remindlessness...'
which i hoped added something small to this revolutionary thinkers pre-dater of the internet
even if that something was completely stolen...

all power to you keith...

abandonment issues, the album

marty willson-king jr said
i had a riff...
i was in africa
where it began
in africcccacccaaa
but at some point it seemed a bit south america
as part of a small group tour
but hopefully without jimmy barnestorming
in a small town bang in the middle of nowhere
i was sleeping in a room
wake up all and the group had gone
lock, stock and snatch
bags and all
where to ?
i wondered, not yet perturbed
beavis had joined us for a couple of weeks
but he was nowhere to be seen either
he had disappeared the day before
but i only knew is now
go out to shop office
in rising panic i head to the office
nobody had left any information for me
theres a car out the front, red and small
no bags in it
but there kind of should be some
back inside the shop
talking bad spanish to the shopkeeper/hotel lady
one of the girls comes in
with dyed blonde hair
i ask her what has gone on?
she mumbles some platitudes
didnt like me hanging out withe beavis
snoring
some oher stuff
then scarpers, slowly but still too quick for me
i follow as best i can
around the back she boards a luxury yacht
with all the other guys
and they set sail
leaving me standing breathless
dismayed and sbigotitto
some wave goodbye
some looking regretful
there are others in the boat
they look on at me with indifference
i have no idea if they will come back
its a big, big lake
it could be the mouth of a river
back inside i am desperately asking chick for info
she is vague, doesnt know anything
or doesnt want to know anything
my bad spanish and panic make it impossible to decifer
i am completely lost
no maps, guide books or friends
i wanted to go the high mountains of tanzania
NOT THE UKRAINAN ONES!!!
BLOODY CROSSED WIRES!~!!
i truly dont know what to do
the lady disappears off to shower
i wander around the office looking at maps atlases
all of australia, bridges and outback!
maybe vietnam
australia on world map keep crashing into other countires
so utterly confused and alone
what did i do?

Portfolio eye view of the world - L

L

Laos
Its not that big, and its not that little. Its kind of landlocked in indochinelandia. (thus known because the frenchypeople were its colonial, ahem, 'masters' Being next door to vietnam meant that it got in all kinds of trub with the godblessamericans during the vietnam war. Most likely they speak loatian or laozzzzz, which i suspect might be tricky to learn for somebody who speaks only firstworldish. I fancy it would be a fun place to visit, but i dont know if they think i would be a fun person to have in the kitchen with my smelly feet. Can anybody tell me if the 's' is pronounced or not?!
travel advice-the last treefungus to thailand leaves on thursdays at 48 oclock sharp

Latvia
Latvia is over there, on the baltic (or at least very near it). Having been next door to russia meant the usual grief of being thumped and oppressed by the big bad neighbour. The capital is Riga and apparently its one of the next new fashionable location for the silly english looking for a place to get drunk and show their fat bellies to horrified locals. It might have been where it went horrible wrong for napoleons attempt to take on russia in the winter, where gazillions were left to die of starvation in the snow whilst he ponced off to paris to snort croissants off his waiters' behinds.
travel advice-check out a reputable source, coz i cant do nothing for you man...

Lebanon
Perilously located north of 'israel', and suffering from the meddling hands of syria, lebanon is a cracking example of how dodgy it is to be in the middle east. During the 80's this nation and its capital, Beirut became a symbol of religious tensions, terrorism and sheer horrific violence for the whole area. A constant war between shia muslims, sunni muslims, christians, droogs and horse lovers destroyed the place and the lives of its citizens. Isnt religion just FAB! Lebanon was the land of the Phoenecians, who kicked trading arse all over the mediteranean and left beirut with fanastic cultural melting pot, until it all went horribly wrong. In recent times the israelis blew it to shit completely unecessarily and the syrians blew up a prime minister.
travel advice-fingers crossed things have picked up a bit lately.

Lesotho
Is it real or is it an invention of apartheid south africa? Boh. It is only a little landlocked state within the borders of south africa, with extreme poverty and a ruler who has 1015 wives. Maybe he needs a nice hot chocolate and a little lie down and to think about his subjects instead of snogging all the time.
travel advice-what would you miss if you didnt go there?

Liberia
Beavis partially enlightened me about this, see how dangerous he is when he reads a book!?! Only a small country on the coast of west africa. It gots its name as it was pretty much invented to be a homeland for free slaves in the americas. Liberia-Liberty, geddit? Anyway, they showed up and decided they were now the hard men about town and that they should run the place, treating the original inhabitants like shite. Sigh, really big fucking sigh.
travel advice-sit up straight on the back of the bus

Libya
Libya, Fibia thats what i say. It's on the north coast of africa between Tunisia and Egypt and the location of some of the most spectacular roman ruins anywhere, ever, that goes by the name of fucked-if-i-know. (but i would like to check it out). Libya is famous for its tent shagging leader mohammedingdong gadaffi, who happily allowed the PLO to get its shit together and sponsored all kinds of terrorist acts including most famously the pan am 747 blown out of the sky over lockerbie, scotland. Mysteriously in recent times he became a top bloke and a big old mate of the western world because he promised not nuke anybody, yeah really.
travel advice-go look at aforementioned ruins and then make a big fuckoff sandcastle

Liechtenstein
Come on now, get serious. Its just being silly here. A nation? more like a toenail. Its sandwiched between switzerland and austria and its tiny, really bloody tiny. The capital is vadusz and they have a football team that plays in switzerland. It has a population of 3 and a cat and lots of money from banking its brains out.
travel advice-on the train from switzerland to austria dont blink or you will miss your stop and the whole country.

Lithuania
Without wishing to be glib, i think one could pretty much cut and paste the information for Latvia here. That would be no doubt ignoring literally thousands of years of history of which i know aboslutely nothing. In keeping with my stated intention i shall do no research, so gnar gnar to you. So, baltic, ex soviet victim and probably rather chilly willy in wintertime. apologies to all my myriad of lithuanian readers.
travel advice-wrap your hamster up in newspaper and call him trevor

Luxembourg
Speaking of silly little countries, here comes luxembourg all dressed in invasion. The smallest part of benelux (if indeed such a thing actually exists), it is situated between france and germany, which when you think about it, hasnt been the happiest locale in the 20th century. The capital is the ingeniously name 'luxembourg' and its really, really, rather pretty. With castles and valleys and pretty green things all around. Much better than a smash in the cheekbone magazine, so good for them.
travel advice-live it up baby! smile at a luxembourger on the street, they might just smile back at you.

badda badda boom went the mikey

it turned out that i was so nervous/excitable/alive that i got spots
i simply have never heard of that happening
i mean
sure
it happened to jehovis
but she is jehovis
and i am not
took the teddanssonvismobile to the hotel
where the boys were in the boys room
and the girls were in the girls room
sniffing pavement
johnny's on the drumkit?
all dressed up
i was the only one
the lights, camera, action crew showed up
documenting everybloodything
daves stripy smalls
blokes putting on ties
all jazz
then there was a bit more photo shoot
but madonna was stoned
on the way the worlds most redundant limo trip
it was at least ... well... 400 metres
then we hung out the front
what for im not exactly sure
more photos then inside to wait
and wait
and wait a bit more
the hall filled slowly
and then we took our places in the line
and stood for ever
while the wedding song played
everybody looked expectantly at the dooooooh
nothing
it played again finally something happened
girls of various varieties goose stepped through
my back hurt
the lady in question
or the questionable lady showed
lots of oooh and aaahhhs
looking fantasticus
and the real business started
connor moo dropped the ring, twice
and lots of we love you
you love we
i love thee business went on
i wondered if it were possible to have a back attack
sweating and whispering
a dodgy audience member said that all the other waiters looked sombre or smiley
whilst i was fidgety and chatty
sounds about right
finally it was over
and we all walked out again
at least around the corner
only to come back in
im not sure how that worked...
a few more photos
and bokko, the bar was open
got a neckin the hooooooooergaaaaaaaaaaaaarden
slightly bland hoooooeeergarden...
hmm strange
then it was speechy time
the microfone sucked
i did my best
dont know how pished it all sounded
im sure its well documented
it failed and floundered as the speechy bits went on
i did a bit of that too
just not as good at projected voice as some
connor kept kicking me on the legs
ickle bugger
the vibe was gude tho
and then it was drinkie time
the bar took a real belting
as did my rubbish spanish to the columbian waity people
a bit of a blur after that
lots of rushing about getting more and more beer in
getting more visits to the toilet in
getting more fags in
speaking to him and her
at some point the cake was cut
and beavis got incoherent
jehovis spoke rubbish
somebody tied me up with balloons
which unfortunately ran off my earrings
which at the end of the night really bummed me out
then we all went off to find more booze
bars were closed and i was thinking foolhardy things
up to the room
when i finally had enuff
tried to make teddansonvis leave
but he couldnt possibly make a decision
finally we scarpered
the wedding was over
they were married
but nobody was talking about mary
in the end
whats the difference though?
boh

could this be the coolest name for an album possible?

Taking Drugs To Make Music To Take Drugs to
by Spacemen 3

wedding party anything to get some free hoergaarden

today somebody is getting married
its not me
in fact today probably lots of people are getting married
nobody is getting married
we are talking about mary
i gotta put my special wedding kit on (not tackle)
ponce around
stand there and try not to giggle
then make speeches and generally tell people what to do
im sure i will hate that...
in the meantime quaffing lots of yummy belgian beers
hoergarden, leffe and some some berry flavoured beer
phwoooooooooooooooooooooooooar
going to get all prettied up
suited and booted
shaven and err maven
then take the beavmobile to st kilda road
star in photos
sign a few autographs
fend off the mobbing ladies
with a big stick
then on with the show..
im a tad nervous
the whole public speaking thing
i know im pretty good at it
but i still feel a little nervy
no doubt i will be the beau of the balle
o qualche cazzata del genere...

www.blogyoulike.com

its obviously not this one so fuck right off...

why not olympic booger flicking then?

In case you haven't noticed
the olympics are here there and everywhere
they are being hosted by china
and the olympics which have the aims of being nice and not being utter prick
are allowed to be hosted by the chinese 'communist' government
solely for the purpose of showing off how good they are at indoctrination
and stealing children from their beds to make them sports stars whether they like or not
what a fucking disgrace
speaking of disgraces
how about some of these fab 'sports' they have on these days
i dont know (and i refuse to find out) what the dictionary definition of sport is
but i think the envelope has been todgered right off the desk into the fireplace with some of these
How about BMX fucking biking
an osstrayan competitor has legally changed his name to 'KAMIKAZE'
i fucking kid you not!
yes, nicole kidman can make a comeback along with all the rest of those tough kids
and win an olympic wreath, nay medal
for riding their dinky little 'bicycle motor cross' thing around a block of land
that was probably requisitioned for 'urgent national pride' from some poor farmer dude
where is the concrete bowl so they can 'drop in'?
along with all the other grown ups on their skateboards
what a bulkace gnarlirad boneless into a handplant screams bwuce mcavaney
or roller blades for that matter
why arent there medals for going backwards along beaconsfield parade and being a huge wanker
hoping desperately that somebody is looking at you?
is if having cross country biking wasnt bad enough...
and it bloody IS!!!
Another top notch 'sport' is synchronised swimming
girlies in sparkly outfits and pegged noses
with their stuck on smiles
wibble about underwater
then stick their legs, or heads or whatever other bit of them out of the water
so free willis can jump over them...
(that would be a sport)
so, why not olympic soggy biscuit competition then, huh?!
speaking of soggy biscuits
I miss the point entirely of beach volleyball
and the suspicion of being had becomes a sledgehammer to the forehead of being had
when you note that the ladies playing wear only the skimpiest little bikinis
which are apparently legislated in all measurements
whilst the blokes can wear their VB singlets and footy shorts
I dont see any ads in the paper for beach newcomb....
did they mislead us in primary school....?
and where is the beach cricket then?
or kick to kick aussie rules on the beach?
There was much sadness absofuckinglutely nowhere when the news came out that baseball
and its frankly hilarious girly sister softball are to be booted from the olympics
ooh boo fucking hoo
baseball, that world game that is played in godblessamerica (hang on, isnt that the whole world?)
and almost nowhere else
and then the softball
i assume it was invented because somebody figured that girlies are too pretty and feeble to play with a baseball
so they got a big furry tennis ball
and a pitcher that winds up like asterix about to biff a roman centurion
and then lobs in Underfuckinghand to the battterperson
what a crock of christmas
arent the lady athletes a bit embarassed that they are playing a condescending sandpit game?
why not olympic rounders
or that ultimate test of skil and stamina,
T-Ball ?
as im not chinese, thank steve
i cant see how table tennis is an olympic sport either
its something you do after school
out in the carport with your twat mates
making up stupid names
how can you be serious about standing around a dinner table
with police traffic paddles trying not to laugh?
when will they bring on olympic around-the-world table tennis?
for that matter
olympic darts and pool
games where you can get drunk and win a bit of metal
untill you accidentally drop it down the loo at the pub
then drop your mobile in too whilst you are fishing around down there...
this im sure is far from a comprehensive list of daft things called 'sport' being 'played' at the olypmics
so go find your own and have your own rant...
beh

Portfolio eye view of the world- K

K
Kazakhstan
The Kazakhi national anthem.. (ahem)

kazakhstan greatest country in the world
all other countries are run by little girls
kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium
other countries have inferior potassium

kazakhstan home of dipshit swimming pool
it's length thirty metre and width six metre
filtration system a marvel to behold
it remove 18 percent of human solid waste

kazakhstan, kazakhstan, you very nice place
from plains of tarashenk, to northern fence of jewtown
kazakhstan friend of all except uzbekistan
they very nosey people with bone in their brain

kazakhstan industry best in world
we invented toffee and the trouser belt
kazakhstan prostitutes cleanest in the region
except of course for turkmenistan's

kazakhstan, kazakhstan, you very nice place
from plains of tarashenk, to northern fence of jewtown
come grasp the mighty penis of our leader
from junction with the testes to tip of it's face

Travel advice-I wouldnt mention a particular film if i were you...

Kenya
After only recently escaping from hurricane beavis it seems that Kenya is getting back on its national feet. Compared to that, the nasty, pasty politcal/genocidal behaviour of a couple of years back was nowt, zilch, zero. I got chased around a pub by kenyan prostitutes, one even followed me into the toilets, apparently they all have aids, sigh. I didn't hang around long, but Nairobi is a very strange place, looks like it could be a new world city, only that people stopped looking after it 30 years ago. In kenya you can go to the beach in mombassa, or see crazy animals on safari, instead I went to the hard rock cafe.(it wasn't my decision dammit!)
Travel advice-stay away from the north of the country because the muslim nutters from somalia are infiltrating and we know what that means boys and girls!

Kiribati
Sure it is. An island (some islands?) in the pacific with not many people I am guessing. Probably in big trub with rising ocean levels and all that biz. Poor buggers
Travel advice-go ask a travel agent bunghole!

Korea (North)
An unfortunate country in asia, unfortunate in the sense that its near china and run by a stalinist nut job who loves elvis and western movies. He treats the whole show like his own personal fiefdom and the north koreans live total isolation and extreme poverty, some even escape to china which shows just how shit it must be. There was the first substantial bit of WW2 cold war biffo there which then invented MASH for us. Their 'great' leader starred in the film 'Team America' and sung this fab song:

I was sent from planet Xiron to conquer the earth

I had a terrific plan — I thought it would work

Tried to get the Earthlings all to kill each other you see

But it all went wrong and now I must decree…

You are worthless Alec Baldwin, you are worthless Alec Baldwin

You failed in every way and now my stock in you has fallen

Your career is stallin’ and you’re worthless Alec Baldwin

That’s why I blew your head off and your children are all bawlin’

Planet Xiron is inhabited with Xipods like me

But also with Balmacs who are giant bees

The Xipods and Balmacs are at constant war

So we wanted a new home and that’s what Earth was for

But you are worthless Alec Baldwin, you are worthless Alec Baldwin

You fucked up my whole plan and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac pollen

Your garbage needs some haulin’ and you’re worthless Alec Baldwin

Now I must return home a failure — I’m afraid the pit of Kryrok is callin’…

But it seems he failed in conquering the world...sigh
Travel Advice-go there, assassinate Kim Jong Turd and escape with a jetpack!

Korea (south)
They didnt get the kim jong turd treatment luckily for them, but they did get stuck with a nutjob neighbour constantly threatening to nuke them and near neighbours with great recent humanitarian records, china and japan. Still, apparently everything is pretty good in South Korea, they have a functioning democracy and they are allowed to protest about american cows in an orderly manner. I once met a south Korean in mexico that spoke spanish, how very confusing.
Travel advice-don't expect people to love you just because you saw that film 'my teacher, mr kim', it just doesnt happen

Kuwait
It is just little really and plonked on the bottom of Iraq, which is not a great place to find yourself. I am not sure whether Kuwait really existed or was just invented to piss off saddam hussein. Anyway, it worked and he invaded it and fucked everybody over until godblessamerica showed up nad got to be a big bully again. Another muslim country, unfortunately for them (particularly the women) but a rich one in this case because of the oil business.
Travel advice-don't tell them you are saddam hussains fourth cousin, unless you want to stop existing.

Kyrgyzstan
It's a stan, and probably a minor one at that. Hence the usual guff, central asia, former soviet satellite state and something about stans in general. They do seem to have an awful lot of consonants though, dont they? Maybe vowels are really pricey in kyrgyzstan?
Travel advice-before going there, change your own name to stan, just to fit in like...

dave's buckets night

that was a first
ive never done that before
i have missed the bus once tho
went out for a buckets night
or a stagger night
i imagine they are the same thing
perhaps its a uk/us/oz thing
i guess they are supposed to be big and manly
and single
with their big horns and errr fur or something
i would have preferred if it was called moose night
or goat night
and whats with hens nights
bucks and hens?
what kind of animal farm nightmare is that
it'd never work
bungholes
anyway, whilst the hens were out henning
wandering around the farmyard pecking up maggots
i went to the buckets thing
in the ciudad de melbourne
at a pub i had never heard of
called the bung and hole
a bit dodgy really
we sat around in a blokey circle and drank beer
we wandered outside and smoked fags
we went downstairs and went to the lavatory
then we moved downstairs to our own big room
where we sat around and drank beer etc etc
until the poker ladies showed up
and we played poker, drank beer, etc etc
then a lot more drinking happened
which i somehow missed
more poker
more stealing other peoples chips
more drinking
we ate pizza
a stripper showed up
and it was actually very funny
then we got the boot
and i planned to steal 700 pizza bits
and tried to finish all the left over beer
we then set off to the next pub
but it was pretty hazy
i was tired and poor and rather drunk
then a scuffle broke out in a who is the biggest bogan contest
and that was the cue to tram it damnit
then miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccioooooooooooo

my great great great great grandfather

was an indigenous australian...
how fucking cool is that?!

Don't you wish you lived in China?

The 21 edicts of Chinese Olympic coverage

The propaganda bureau tells the Chinese media how to behave

August 14, 2008

THE 21 EDICTS FROM THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT'S PROPAGANDA UNIT

1. The telecast of sports events will be live [but] in case of emergencies, no print is allowed to report on it.

2. From August 1, most of the previously accessible overseas websites will be unblocked. No coverage is allowed on this development. There's also no need to use stories published overseas on this matter and [website] operators should not provide any superlinks on their pages.

3. Be careful with religious and ethnic subjects.

4. Don't make fuss about foreign leaders at the opening ceremony, especially in relation to seat arrangements or their private lives.

5. We have to put special emphasis on ethnic equality. Any perceived racist terms as "black athlete" or "white athlete" is not allowed. During the official telecast, we can refer to Taiwan as "Chinese Taipei". In ordinary times, refer to Taiwanese athletes as "those from the precious island Taiwan....." In case of any pro Taiwan-independence related incident inside the venue, you shall follow restrictions listed in item 1.

6. For those ethnic Chinese coaches and athletes who come back to Beijing to compete on behalf of other countries, don't play up their "patriotism" since that could backfire with their adopted countries.

7. As for the Pro-Tibetan independence and East Turkistan movements, no coverage is allowed. There's also no need to make fuss about our anti-terrorism efforts.

8. All food saftey issues, such as cancer-causing mineral water, is off-limits.

9. In regard to the three protest parks, no interviews and coverage is allowed.

10. No fuss about the rehearsals on August 2,5. No negative comments about the opening ceremony.

11.No mention of the Lai Changxing case.

12.No mention of those who illegally enter China.

13.On international matters, follow the official line. For instance, follow the official propaganda line on the North Korean nuclear issue; be objective when it comes to the Middle East issue and play it down as much as possible; no fuss about the Darfur question; No fuss about UN reform; be careful with Cuba. If any emergency occurs, please report to the foreign ministry.

14. If anything related to territorial dispute happens, make no fuss about it. Play down the Myanmar issue; play down the Takeshima island dispute.

15. Regarding diplomatic ties between China and certain nations, don't do interviews on your own and don't use online stories. Instead, adopt Xinhua stories only. Particularly on the Doha round negotiation, US elections, China-Iran co-operation, China-Aussie co-operation, China-Zimbabwe co-operation, China-Paraguay co-operation.

16.Be very careful with TV ratings, only use domestic body's figures. Play it down when rating goes down.

17. In case of an emergency involving foreign tourists, please follow the official line. If there's no official line, stay away from it.

18. Re possible subway accidents in the capital, please follow the official line.

19.Be positive on security measures.

20. Be very careful with stock market coverage during the Games.

21.Properly handle coverage of the Chinese sports delegation:

A.don't criticise the selection process

B.don't overhype gold medals; don't issue predictions on gold medal numbers; don't make fuss about cash rewards for athletes.

C.don't make a fuss about isolated misconducts by athletes.

D.enforce the publicity of our anti-doping measures.

E. put emphasis on government efforts to secure the retirement life of atheletes.

F. keep a cool head on the Chinese performance. Be prepared for possible fluctations in the medal race.

G. refrain from publishing opinion pieces at odds with the official propangada line of the Chinese delegation.

Example 2) frome the guardian

Olympics: Child singer revealed as fake

• 
  

Yang Peiyi was replaced by Lin Miaoke who mimed "Ode to the Motherland" as her face was "not suitable" for the Olympics opening ceremony. Photographs: AFP/ AP

When nine-year-old Lin Miaoke launched into Ode to the Motherland at the Olympic opening ceremony, she became an instant star.

"Tiny singer wins heart of nation," China Daily sighed; "Little girl sings, impresses the world," gushed another headline, perhaps in reference to Lin's appearance on the front of the New York Times. Countless articles lauded the girl in the red dress who "lent her voice" to the occasion.

But now it emerges that Lin was lent someone else's voice, following high-level discussions - which included a member of the Politburo - on the relative photogenicity of small children.

The recording to which Lin mouthed along on Friday was by the even younger Yang Peiyi. It seems that Yang's uneven teeth, while unremarkable in a seven-year-old, were considered potentially damaging to China's international image.

"This is in the national interest. It is the image of our national music, national culture. Especially the entrance of our national flag; this is an extremely important, extremely serious matter," Chen Qigang, the event's general music designer, explained to a Beijing radio station.

Chen said that director Zhang Yimou - who created the ceremony - had demanded a "very cute" child; a standard certainly met by Lin and, many would suggest, by Yang.

"We made the decision that the voice we would use was Yang Peiyi's. The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings, and expression.

"Lin Miaoke is excellent in those aspects. But in the aspect of voice, Yang Peiyi is flawless," he explained.

But at the last minute, officials decided a switch was needed, according to the translation by the China Digital Times website.

"We had been through several inspections - they were all very strict. When we rehearsed at the spot, there were spectators from various divisions, especially a leader from the Politburo, who gave us his opinion: It must change," said Chen.

"I think it is fair to both Lin Miaoke and Yang Peiyi. That is to say, we have a perfect voice, and a perfect image and representation - in our team's view - combined together."

It appears that Lin, already a veteran of TV adverts, may not have been aware that Yang's voice was used. Chen said they had recordings of both girls and their voices were fairly similar.

Yang appears to have taken the snub in her stride. Asked by a CCTV journalist whether she was sad to have missed the opening ceremony, she replied: "No, my voice was there."

Not everyone has reacted so calmly. "Adults may lie, but leave the kids out of it," one angry internet user wrote.

Her tutor, Wang Liping, wrote in her blog that Yang is cute and well-behaved, with a love for Peking opera.

"She doesn't like to show off. She's easygoing," she added. Yang's school could not be reached today.

The switch may reflect underlying cultural preferences as well as the incredible attention paid to Olympic preparations.

Research by Daniel Hamermesh, an economist at the University of Texas, has suggested that the "beauty premium" in parts of China is far more pronounced than in the west for women.

Dr Hamermesh's work shows that ugly people earn below the average income while beautiful people earn more. In Britain, attractive women enjoy a +1% premium. But in Shanghai, the figure
was +10%.

Example 3) from the guardian

China faked footprints of fire coverage in Olympics opening ceremony

Viewers saw computer-generated film of fireworks procession

Fireworks over Beijing during the Olympics opening ceremony. Photograph: Teh Eng Koon/AFP/Getty

Was it real? Was it faked? Does it matter? Chinese netizens are debating the computer simulated special effects used for one of high points of the Olympic opening ceremony, the footprints of fire that "stepped" from Tiananmen Square to the Bird's Nest stadium.

Although the procession of fireworks actually took place, it was deemed too difficult and dangerous to film, so billions of viewers were treated instead to a computer-generated film of what it might look like.

Many of those watching were unaware that the effect was expensively "faked" until the Beijing Times reported the following day that only the last of the 29 footprints was actually filmed during the live broadcast.

The newspaper revealed that Crystal Stone - a local production company - had spent almost a year creating the 55-second sequence for the other 28 steps, including efforts to capture the slight shake of a camera on a helicopter and the blurring effect of haze.

Olympic organisers said the decision was necessary for safety reasons, because a helicopter might have been vulnerable to all the fireworks let off that night and it would have been hard to capture the entire route from a single location.

Gao Xiaolong, the head of the visual effects team for the ceremony, told the paper that the final result was not perfect, but achieved the desired effect: "Most of the audience thought it was filmed live - so that was mission accomplished."

On the many online forums about the ceremony and its significance, most Chinese netizens defended the decision to use the simulated sequence. "Although the 3-D production has a different feeling from live filming, we should support the Olympics by taking the authorities at their word and not arguing," said a post by Xin Shuibin on a Baidu discussion site.

Others said it was disappointing but the decision to use computer-generated images was justifiable. "If it had been live, the helicopters would have been in great danger if they flow over the fireworks. They might have crashed," said a commentator who gave the name Waltzer.

Overall, the show was well received, although much of the online opinion on the mainland was more critical than that found among the mainstream media overseas. As has been the case for several of his recent films, the ceremony's director, Zhang Yimou, was lambasted by many for producing a show that was strong on style but weak on content.

Rather than demonstrate real antipathy, however, such criticism may reveal the huge expectations for the landmark event and the high standards to which its director is always held.

Shaving Private Leon

No more Leon King, the king of the jungle is now busy invading the caucauses.. YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!!! commands Lord Beavener...

the building has left murray

we went to a pub
because murray said so
there was murray and gaz
the comedy scotsmen
loic and beavis
the french aussie rules referee and the ted dansonvis
pete and sarah
with monkey magic t shirt and her
the other bird from the country
full of funny stories about the country
wayne and kate
the welshman from england and his lady
eric and raymond
frenchmen all
vincent and brett
sure there were
mary and hairy
but not canary
it began in africa
well beavis did the other week
but it began at the rose
some munchies, faggies and beeries
quite a bit of loitering happened there
then off to the marquis of lorne
which proved surprisingly groovy
pool table downstairs
and more beer
then in the rain
we bypassed the rochester and the rainbow
went straight to the napier
like old toiiimes
the napier was fun
beers, ears and piers
then to the lambsgograaaaaaaaar
yummy beer all over the place
in the little rooms
with the groovy muzak
when it got late we went to bar open
but it wasnt open to rubbish scotsmen who arrived at 4 seconds past lockout
mozambiquean dude said no
so we went to the first floor
a shit name for a shit bar
some blokes from botswana and a whole lot of crap
twere fooking hilaryarse
murray pished himself it seems
and then there was none
coz he left to run away to the norf
and his girly
and his fishing
and not working
and drinking
and snogging
and being hot
and being eaten by crocodiles
for their sake i hope he washed his trousers
or sent them to the fate of his socks...

Portfolio eye view of the world-J

J

Jamaica
One of the big islands in the caribbean. The capital, Kingstown is the murder capital of the world, which I am sure the mayor is really bloody proud of. Jamaica was the birthplace of bob marley and reggae music, which just puts me to sleep. The rasta religion is pretty much based in jamaica and brought the world dreads and colourful hats. Beaches and majijuana also feature highly in its reputation, which when you think about it sounds pretty bloody cool
travel advice-just turn down your walkman man

Japan
Nihonlandia. A fascinating and contradictory country japan is really rather confusing. Japan had nothing to do with the outside world for hundreds of years until tom cruise apparently showed up and showed them how being short was really fab. Unfortunately conformism and and racism informed japan that it should rule the world and, starting off with china, they set off in doing so. They took over most of south east asia and were heading to australia when they narked the americans by trying to blow up ben affleck. They treated the peoples they conquered with disdain and massacred, raped and destroyed them. They reacted to their defeat by the allies (principally the americans) by copying everything they did. Still, they have fantastic food, very welcoming people and gorgeous shinto shrines and buddhist temples.
travel advice-go to tokyo zoo and free the sun bear one!

Jordan
Not Michael, nor the big booby one that married that twat. it's a country in the middle east, home of everything that is secular and sensible. Also home to Petra, the mind bogglingly beautiful city caved into the earth by an ancient culture. Beavis went there and had big hair. They have a royal family and they had the golan heights nicked by the Israelis. They also like to play funny games in lebanon by blowing up elected politicians.
travel advice-look at petra and then scarper.

Portfolio eye view of the world - I

I
Iceland
A fairly small island whaaaaaay out there in the northern atlantic. It is full of gnarli volcanoes and bubbling mud and whatnot. I almost went there for new years 1997, but I didnt, some girl who worked for BT in Leeds wanted me to go, sigh. The capital is Rejkyavik but not even vaguely written like that. Not to be confused with the frozen food supermarket that is rubbish.
Travel advice-a bikini is just being silly

India
I never met any. Thats a bloody lie, indians are all over the planet, a bit like the chinese.. The nation was invented when the english decided to partition the sub continent. Famous for curry, tigers, cricket tragics and having a load of people, more than a billion in fact. Home to the ancient indus valley civilisations that brought us sanskrit, also home to loads of funky temples and forts and the taj mahal. The bollywood film industry cranks out super cheesy musical films at a frightening rate. The nation is primarily hindu unlike the immediate neighbours, causing all kinds of fun and games. Hence cow reverence.
travel advice-watch the darjeeling limited, its fab and it got me interested.

Indonesia
Indonesia is a very hard country to love. What with it being run by corrupt dictators and then the army who kill and oppress anybody who isnt part of the javanese majority and pinch their land. Ambon, Aceh, East Timor and most glaringly WEST FUCKING PAPUA. You fucking pricks. Not to mention being the home of bali, where australians go to make fuckwits out of themeselves until then being blown up by muslim simpletons. The nation used to be a dutch colony known as the east indies and consists of a billion and three islands. Australia's closest and most powerful neighbour, most unfortunately.
travel advice-cut your legs off and call them larry and barry

Iran
Speaking of countries that are run by buttheads, Iran is way up there. Ever since the Shah got biffed its been run by lunatic muslims and their fucking idiotic beards and dresses. The home of modern day fanatical islam, so fuck right off. Iran was home to the ancient Persian civilisation that was so cool the church named an EP after it. I used to work with a lady from iran who was most definite that she was from persia, and who can blame her. Have they got nukes? will they blow up israel? will the godblessamericans blow them up?
travel advice-just stay the fuck away from the place until they grow up and can separate church from state.

Iraq
Ah, that old chestnut. Another country that was invented by the europeans by drawing a few lines in the sand and then having a wank. Also home to very, very, bloody old civilizations, babylon and all that jazz. Then home to saddam hussein and his mates, propped up by the godblessamericans whilst they massacred their own citizens and their iranian neighbours in the 1980's. The country is torn by having at least 3 different flavours of islam so everybody can hate each other even though they have the same religion. Then the americans decided to blow it up and did so coz their mates called them girly swots with pimply bots. Now the whole world knows that godblessamerica is really, really tuff like and they have scammed oil. What a fucking disgrace.
travel advice-do, not, even, fucking, think, about, it, you, stupid, stupid, bastard.

Ireland
The whole thing. The fact that the north-eastern corner is nominally part of the UK is a farce. Irelands small population is largely due to the fact that it was treated so savagely by the english, see the potato famine, and caused a large part of the population to go to the new (and old) worlds in search of a better life, where they were once again shat upon by the english. Mainly famous these days for the protracted 'troubles' in northern ireland between the IRA and the England proxies and various protestant nutjobs. Home of lovely warm people, lovely guinness and shite weather.
travel advice-go to the guinness brewery in dublin, i didnt and that was well daft.

Israel
Not a country, just a really fucking bad idea - see palestine
travel advice-if you go there you are supporting a racist, bigot of a state and I dont fucking want to know you.

Italy
A hovel which somebody put a television in. It looks like a boot and is almost equally enchanting and frustrating. The land of the etruscans, the romans and the renaissance. Home of the quite possibly the most creative, artistic and down to earth people on the planet. Also a state riven with corruption, incompetence and general malaise. Stunning scenery, great mountains, superb beaches and marvellous architecture. Where culture was invented then assassinated by silvio berlusconi. The home of the best food and wine, the most depressing sporting ethics, the most evocative language and a fair portion of my heart.
travel advice-ring me, there is too much to say

long live armyvis, leon is dead

apple-ogies to any distressed reader out there
it seems the news service is burundi aint all its cracked up to be
apparently the reported death of beavis is all lies, lies and damned lies
it is true that his trusted sidekick of nearly a decade, Leon passed away
scoffed down by an unsuspecting giraffe in garngetfuctman national park
it seems beavis sold his soul and his leon in order to save his own maggoty skin
the giraffe fondly known as bonzo started munching unwittingly on leon
when beavis, being cowardly of course
hit the ejector button and released his nearest and dearest to be devoured by the giraffe
leon was heard to scream
'you fucking bastard, you maggoty prick, you smelly git, you stronzo, i curse you with my last follicle, go and do in a culo, i will be back, more muppety than ever!'
before disappearing down the rather longish neck
beavis chuckled in an evil manner
rubbed his hands together
had a big party
then went to the lavatory with a big smile on his face
only to return as armyvis
and rushing off to invade botswana this winter...
a bad, bad man indeed
long live armyvis, leon is dead

A brandy cove, as opposed to THE brandy cove

The real deal
A brandy, just add me...


lager makes me happy (not strictly true)
vodka makes me mean (not absolutely factual)
and brandy makes me sleepy
or so it seems...

Portfolio eye view of tthe world- H

H
Haiti
Half of an island in the caribbean, the other half being santo domingo. And amazingly a part of india, at least that's what Colombus thought when he rocked up there some centuries back. It was the first land sighted by the genoese explorer and tight arse. Things in Santa Domingo are going alright but haiti is right down the toilet. Food riots, bastardy dictators and being one of the poorest countries on the planet, with a nice climate.
travel advice-stay on a boat off the coast and launch cannon loads of food at the beach

Honduras
An ickle country in central america, most famous because godblessamerica thought it would be a good place to blow everybody up because it suited its interests in teh 1980's, hang on, thats the whole fucking planet. Large and omnipresent thththththth alert.
travel advice-dont wear a honduran flag as underwear and ostentatiously scratch your arse in the street.

Hungary
Where Juicy is right, right now. Aww, i love Juicy.... Also the home of Anita, juicy's saucy housemate. Budapest is very cool, first you have buda, then you have pest! I decided it was a good place to go pot holing and it was way cool. The hungarian language is unique in europe and has only the slightest relation to finnish. I once met two stoned girls in amsterdam who kept telling me they were hungry girls from hungary, then laughing their arses off...
Also the location of the worst formula one track on the globe.
travel advice-have a hot springy bath thing and tell me if its worth all the fuss.

R(imane) I(l) P(uzzone) beavis

the poor moribund giraffe, about to lose control of its bowels after eating the foul snack

it is a tragic piece of news
beavis has been eaten by a giraffe
giraffes have traditionally been known has vegetarians
in fact all records of giraffes
fossil and otherwise have proven them to be vegetarians
moreso than the most righteous northcote dwelling lady
he passed from this earth only 4 days ago
in the plains of burundi
it seems a giraffe thought his daft hair was vegetable growth
the deceased was with a small group of tourists on the plains of garngetfuctman
when a grazing giraffe bored of his diet of thorns and acacia
turned on the unsuspected smelly being
despite the putrid stench emanating from his behind
the giraffe nibbled on the ends of his ridiculous fro
then working its way up
started to devour his head
seeming not content with consuming his classic bone structure
it devoured the rest of his body
only briefly pausing around the waist area
before pinching its nose with a hoof
(a previously unheard of feat for a giraffe)
and downing the offending behindage area and the maggoty legs
the offending giraffe then burped profusely
before turning a bizarre greenish colour
vomiting violently the keeling over on its back
dying a horrible violet death with its legs 34 feet vertically raised in the air
the only remains of the snack was a reeking mound of nasty
which gassed the surrounding 4 km radius with an awful farty smell
despite that fact that there was no longer a butt

long live the beavis, the beavis is dead
butt his rectal odour remains
causing a noxious cloud of death killing approximately 13,000 people in the surrounding villages
and poisoning the earth for the next 2 million and 987 years
long live the beavis, the beavis is dead
butt his legacy remains toxic for millenia to come

the history of western civilization, not bloody likely

the sun is purple
the sky is beige
the grass is spotted white and red
bicycles run on petrol
my tracksuit trousers are uber fashionable
john howard is a nice guy (fuck off)
metallica are playing folk music at the kindgarten
damn ugly is not at all unattractive
children dream when awake
wives bash their husbands
the cats bark continually and chase the dogs up trees
the streets are so wide
and everybody is inside .. sic
mullets are really, really hip
bad taste is really good taste
good taste is really bad taste
thursday night is monday night
thats the view from western civilization
live, unadulterated and rather sunny actually
....
i went a disco
the bouncer was the best
come on he said to the boy from the west
i had to stay outside with the common herd
just don't come from an eastern suburb...

happy 90th birthday mandiba

mandiba's cell on robben island... it sure made me think.

from prisoner
to president...



it was nelson mandela's 90th birthday a couple of days back.
a truly amazing man who is one of the greastest people of the the last century.
he lead the independence movement in south africa, fighting against the evil racist apartheid state and suffering decades of imprisonment for his honourable aims. In stark contrast to arseface mugabi, another independence leader in southern africa who let power go to his head and become an oppressor, no better than those overthrown, mandela showed forgiveness and graciousness to those his tormentors. A hero to millions of his fellow south africans hundreds of millions more other africans and a figure of much respect the planet over. If only other political figures the world over had a shred of his credibility.
An imperfect man who personifies dignity... viva mandiba!

Portfolio eye view of the world G Part 2

G
Greece
Im talking about Greece, not grease, that formaggioso musical that ruined millions of childhoods the world over with stupid chin and that-bird-that-wasnt-australian-but-we-claimed-her-anyway-because-somebody
-might-just-one-day-give-a-shit. The cradle of western civilization, that gave us democracy, philosophy, the olympics and souvlaki. Man, they have seen it all in greece, which maybe explains why the men behave like they went back to the stone age. A lot of greeks got sick of it, so they came to invent melbourne in australia and sell fish and chips and fruit and vegetables. Emma is sort of greek and she's way cool and the aegean islands are divine. Athens has fab ancient greek acropolis etc but they lost their marbles (elgin). I first met emma in athens and then bumped into her again on a boat to santorini. They say every greek has a cousin in melbourne, its true, i tested it.
Greece is cool. famous greeks include, alessandro magno, aristotle, phyrrus and arther lucas
travel advice-dont tell the locals that macedonia is a country just north

Grenada
Oh yeah, grenada, its an island in the caribbean. oh yeah.
travel advice-beach baby, beach baby, there in the sand with the sun and the surf and the carefree

Guatemala
Hold on baby, im a coming! Guatemala is right there. Its the first thing you come across if you get drunk in southern mexico and stagger southwards. It is home to the legendary Tikal, the largest remains of the Maya culture in central america, with pyramids so kick arse that they were even used in star wars. Large ththththth alerts all round.
travel advice-dont you fucking dare go there before i do, I am so sick of other bastards stealing my holidays!

Guinea
Its in africa, its in western africa and i dont know anything else about it and as i have sworn off even the slightest research, its swim in pig ignorance time. Perhaps it took its name from the old british money, the ducat.
travel advice-expect a runny bottom if you go swimming in the sewers in guinea.

Guinea-Bissau
is a bit like guinea really, it just has a bissau tacked on to the end of it. Any ideas what a bissau is? Maybe its like 'heights', so it is actually means ducat heights. i wonder what the view is like from there?
travel advice-conjecture, anybody?

Guyana
At least i know where it is, in fact I have been rather near to guyana. so vaffanculo to you... On the north eastern coast of south america is where it is. The good news is that they dont speak thththth or even djdjdjdjdjj like the rest of the continent, as it was a dutch colony until the brits won it from them in a game of soggy land mass. Venezuelans still claim it as their other err leg, coz it sort of was supposed to be spanish or some horseshit. Maps of venezula all have it on it with pretty lines across it.
travel advice-david attenborough has a lot of vowels in his name, he also has fascinating things to say about guyana (unlike me)

Better living through television...

Sing along now.. i will do the tschchchch tschchchch bits...

Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy, Television the Drug of a Nation

One Nation under God
has turned into
One Nation under the influence
of one drug

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V., I.T. satellite links
our United States of unconciousness
Apathetic therapeutic and extremely addictive
the methadone metronome pumping out
150 channels 24 hours a day
you can flip through all of them
and still there's nothing worth watching

T.V. is the reason why less than ten percent of our
Nation reads books daily
Why most people think Central America
means Kansas
Socialism means unamerican
and Apartheid is a new headache remedy

absorbed in it's world it's so hard to find us
It shapes our minds the most
maybe the mother of our Nation
should remind us
that we're sitting to close to. . .

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V. is
the stomping ground for political candidates
Where bears in the woods
are chased by Grecian Formula'd
bald eagles

T.V. is mechanized politic's
remote control over the masses
co-sponsered by environmentally safe gases
watch for the PBS special

It's the perpetuation of the two party system
where image takes precedence over wisdom
Where sound bite politics are served to
the fastfood culture

Where straight teeth in your mouth
are more important than the words
that come out of it
Race baiting is the way to get selected
Willie Horton or
Will he not get elected on . . .

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V. is it the reflector or the director?
Does it imitate us or do we imitate it
Because a child watches 1500 murders before he's
twelve years old and we wonder how we've created
a Jason generation that learns to laugh
rather than abhor the horror

T.V. is the place where
armchair generals and quarterbacks can
experience first hand
the excitement of video warfare
as the theme song is sung in the background

Sugar sweet sitcoms
that leave us with a bad actor taste while
pop stars metamorphosize into soda pop stars
You saw the video
You heard the soundtrack
Well now go buy the soft drink
Well, the only cola that I support
would be a union C.O.L.A. (Cost of Living Allownace)
On Television.

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

Back again, "New and Improved",
we return to our irregularly programmed schedule
hidden cleverly between heavy breasted
beer and car commericals

CNN ESPN ABC TNT but mostly B.S.
Where oxymoronic language like
"virtually spotless" "fresh frozen"
"light yet filling" and "military intelligence"
have become standard

T.V. is the place where phrases are redefined
like "recession" to "necessary downturn"
"crude oil" on a beach to "mousse"
"Civilian death" to "collateral damages"
and being killed by your own Army
is now called "friendly fire"

T.V. is the place where the pursuit
of happiness has become the pursuit of trivia
Where toothpaste and cars have become sex objects
Where imagination is sucked out of children
by a cathode ray nipple
T.V. is the only wet nurse
that would create a cripple

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation
On Television . . .

Portfolio eye view of the world-G Part 1

G
Gabon
It is a western african country, like a lot of countries in western africa.
travel advice-a rolling gabonese gathers plenty of dust

Gambia
here we go again. Its in africa and thats about all I can say. At least it sounds like zambia where i have set foot. barrel scraping ahoy.
travel advice-seek medical attention if eaten by a lion.

Georgia
Not the bloody glodblessamerican state full of racists. Its in very eastern europe and until recently was mugged and occupied by the russians and fellow travellers. The capital is Tblisi and Lord Ned Zelic played there last season and was no doubt bloody briliant, if you ask him.
travel advice-the russians dont like countries not wanting to be their whipping boys, so go celebrate it in georgia

Germany
Plenty to go around here... The heart of central europe and the most powerful country in europe. The locals managed to todger the romans when they came a-conquering a couple of thousand years ago and that had long term effects, some of them pretty nasty. They exported the lombards to italy and the angles and the saxons to england and probably a lot more. Unfortunately under the auspices of greater prussia they got their crank on and after napoleaon bogged off, they ruined the entire 20th century. Being the bad guys in two world wars and causing immesurable damage to the continent. Of course the big one was hitlers effort which is beyond the comprehension of most people. The holocaust and endless massacres as they rampaged across the place with frightening teutonic righteousness and without mercy. The most disturbing thing is that before all those shennanigans germany was the home of philosophy and the arts and then they bloody did this. These days germany is most famous for cars, efficiency and bad fashion sense.
travel advice-go see the topography of terror in berlin, it will blow your mind

Ghana
Roselandia. Next door to nasty nigeria and seemingly a great place to visit. Rose is from ghana and she is the coolest surveyor ive met, she also knows all about fish heads, even the song. Catherine went there when she was little and took a photo of a disabled boy who fell in the toilet and couldnt get out. hmmmm. Football team is called the black stars and they arent at all shabby.
travel advice-ask rose, she might know something

alla prossima papa

beh, padre mio e' andato in inghilterra di nuovo
e' andato per non so, forse quattro o sei mesi
infatti e' la ottava volta che lo fa
la prima volta fu millenovecentonovantasette
quando ero in francia
e venuto a trovarmi li' nella bellissima campagna della dordogne
ha fatto molto bene secondo me
ha volato fino a bordeaux e poi a noleggatio una macchina
e ha guidato sulla parte sbagliata della strada fino a vertaillac
o come cazzo si chiama quel paese
c'era anche per la fete de epeluche
una grande bella serata
c'eravamo tutti li alla fete
a mangiare, bere e sparare cazzate
cerano anche i dodgems, i fuochi artificiale
e catherine, laurence e gli altri
poi un altra volta e' venuto a trovarmi a genova
quando abitavo nel centro storico
ha visitato qualche palazzo storico
palazzo quello e palazzo reale
e anche un altra volta quando ero a salisbury
e venuto con anna e nicholas e abbiamo mangiato il cibo tradizionale inglese
il curry
poi siamo andati al vecchio sarum
i rovini di un vecchio e storico castello e cattedrale li' cima di un fortezza del eta di ferro
un posto molto suggestivo
c'e stato anche la volta quando sono venuto a droydon e sono stato da lui
puodarsi fu lo stesso anno
anche un altr'anno quando voleva venire a trovarmi a salisbury
con i fratellini
pero stavo proprio male
belin
c'era anche l'occasione quando stavo da beavis e poppy a islington
siamo andati ad un pub tipo irlandese per pranzo
boh
non immagivo che fossero cosi' tanti incontri di la'
dell'altra parte del mondo
bravo papa
hai fatto bene