Portfolio eye view of the world - I

I
Iceland
A fairly small island whaaaaaay out there in the northern atlantic. It is full of gnarli volcanoes and bubbling mud and whatnot. I almost went there for new years 1997, but I didnt, some girl who worked for BT in Leeds wanted me to go, sigh. The capital is Rejkyavik but not even vaguely written like that. Not to be confused with the frozen food supermarket that is rubbish.
Travel advice-a bikini is just being silly

India
I never met any. Thats a bloody lie, indians are all over the planet, a bit like the chinese.. The nation was invented when the english decided to partition the sub continent. Famous for curry, tigers, cricket tragics and having a load of people, more than a billion in fact. Home to the ancient indus valley civilisations that brought us sanskrit, also home to loads of funky temples and forts and the taj mahal. The bollywood film industry cranks out super cheesy musical films at a frightening rate. The nation is primarily hindu unlike the immediate neighbours, causing all kinds of fun and games. Hence cow reverence.
travel advice-watch the darjeeling limited, its fab and it got me interested.

Indonesia
Indonesia is a very hard country to love. What with it being run by corrupt dictators and then the army who kill and oppress anybody who isnt part of the javanese majority and pinch their land. Ambon, Aceh, East Timor and most glaringly WEST FUCKING PAPUA. You fucking pricks. Not to mention being the home of bali, where australians go to make fuckwits out of themeselves until then being blown up by muslim simpletons. The nation used to be a dutch colony known as the east indies and consists of a billion and three islands. Australia's closest and most powerful neighbour, most unfortunately.
travel advice-cut your legs off and call them larry and barry

Iran
Speaking of countries that are run by buttheads, Iran is way up there. Ever since the Shah got biffed its been run by lunatic muslims and their fucking idiotic beards and dresses. The home of modern day fanatical islam, so fuck right off. Iran was home to the ancient Persian civilisation that was so cool the church named an EP after it. I used to work with a lady from iran who was most definite that she was from persia, and who can blame her. Have they got nukes? will they blow up israel? will the godblessamericans blow them up?
travel advice-just stay the fuck away from the place until they grow up and can separate church from state.

Iraq
Ah, that old chestnut. Another country that was invented by the europeans by drawing a few lines in the sand and then having a wank. Also home to very, very, bloody old civilizations, babylon and all that jazz. Then home to saddam hussein and his mates, propped up by the godblessamericans whilst they massacred their own citizens and their iranian neighbours in the 1980's. The country is torn by having at least 3 different flavours of islam so everybody can hate each other even though they have the same religion. Then the americans decided to blow it up and did so coz their mates called them girly swots with pimply bots. Now the whole world knows that godblessamerica is really, really tuff like and they have scammed oil. What a fucking disgrace.
travel advice-do, not, even, fucking, think, about, it, you, stupid, stupid, bastard.

Ireland
The whole thing. The fact that the north-eastern corner is nominally part of the UK is a farce. Irelands small population is largely due to the fact that it was treated so savagely by the english, see the potato famine, and caused a large part of the population to go to the new (and old) worlds in search of a better life, where they were once again shat upon by the english. Mainly famous these days for the protracted 'troubles' in northern ireland between the IRA and the England proxies and various protestant nutjobs. Home of lovely warm people, lovely guinness and shite weather.
travel advice-go to the guinness brewery in dublin, i didnt and that was well daft.

Israel
Not a country, just a really fucking bad idea - see palestine
travel advice-if you go there you are supporting a racist, bigot of a state and I dont fucking want to know you.

Italy
A hovel which somebody put a television in. It looks like a boot and is almost equally enchanting and frustrating. The land of the etruscans, the romans and the renaissance. Home of the quite possibly the most creative, artistic and down to earth people on the planet. Also a state riven with corruption, incompetence and general malaise. Stunning scenery, great mountains, superb beaches and marvellous architecture. Where culture was invented then assassinated by silvio berlusconi. The home of the best food and wine, the most depressing sporting ethics, the most evocative language and a fair portion of my heart.
travel advice-ring me, there is too much to say