I'm a teenage lobotomy...

watched a documentary about lobotomies the other night
rally interesting
some blokeage with a god complex
of course he didnt invent them
but he was american so he MUST have
was convinced that he would be more famous than his dad or somebody
so his destiny guided him towards doing lobotagges in godblessamerica
now half the world sees him as a complete psycho nutmeg
about a quarter couldnt give a shite
and another bunch claim hes just fab
because at the time
in the 1940's or whatever
when everything was black and white
they used to just lock people up if they were a bit fruity
and then throw away the non proverbial key
so this bloke came up with the idea of hammering nails into their eyes or noses
or something
and basically removing bits of their frontal lobes
hence the name
or hacking away at important connections in the brain
it sure settled them down a bit
it made a lot of them pretty zombies
some people died
he ran around the east coast of godblessamerica inc.
and banged nails into anybody and everybody
even some wards of the state
he even did 70 plus lobots in one day
he was on his mission
to bring light to the dark minds of the fruity types
and give them back to their fams
or
was he just a fame seeking buttmunch?
eventually people got the crank with him on the east coast
so he had to bugger off the west coast
and started banging nails in to people all over again
but with the invention of anti depressants
he lost his gig
and nobody wanted to have their fam members nailed senseless any more
probably at least 60000 people got it done to them
poor fuckers
im sure it seemed like a good idea at the time
but it also goes to show that doctors et al dont deserve all that big unquestioning respect
there are plenty of maggoty ones out there
eg this bloke
at least it inspired a cool ramones song with profound lyrics..

Lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy!
DDT did a job on me
Now I am a real sickie
Guess I'll have to break the news
That I got no mind to lose
All the girls are in love with me
I'm a teenage lobotomy

definitive proof that steven gerrard is a twat...

A midfield kind of love

Is Steven Gerrard's love of Phil Collins the worst act of footballer fanship?

Steven Gerrard appeals to the Kop for a rendition of In The Air Tonight. Photograph: David Davies/PA

The true shocker about this week's nightclub fracas involving Steven Gerrard wasn't that one of England's squeakiest, cleanest footballers had become embroiled in such a mess, but that the rumble was apparently provoked by differences between the venue's music policy and the footballer's music taste. According to reports, everything kicked off when the DJ refused a request to play Gerrard's favourite record. And who can blame him, when said platter is Phil Collins's Greatest Hits? Gerrard's reputation may recover from the forthcoming court case, but surely Liverpool's finest midfielder will never live down the revelation that behind those stunning 30-yarders lurks a passion for Easy Lover.

Then again, footballers have long enjoyed dalliances with records that would have been crushed by oncoming traffic had they gone any closer to the middle of the road. In the 70s and 80s, stars would routinely answer Shoot magazine's "favourite artist?" question with the words "George Benson" without being red-carded. None other than former England captain Alan Shearer once attempted to cram an Abba reference into every interview during the 1998 World Cup. The Winner Takes It All must have been easy, but Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) would have been a challenge to work in to a conversation with Ray Stubbs. A recent album containing Chelsea players' favourite songs should cause the entire nation to hope they never win the title. After all, who would want to see Frank Lampard hoisting a trophy to the distant strains of Lionel Ritchie's Stuck On You, or (Joe Cole's selection) Spandau Ballet's Gold?

Footballers may be irredeemably drawn to mainstream, easily available back-of-the-taxi mush because they lead very different lives from normal people. From an early age, they are plucked from schools and placed in academies where talk is of block tackles, not Bloc Party. Often living in digs, the youngsters miss out on teenage delights of booze, late nights and punk rock. When I was interviewing players for Leeds United's club magazine, it amazed me how many had never even seen a gig. Some of the players had seen Westlife - but only because singer Nicky Byrne is a former Leeds United junior goalie. Those players who do display a keen interest in music tend to have arrived late to the game, after a regular adolescence. Former Nottingham Forest hardman Stuart Pearce - who is still seen proudly pogoing at punk gigs - was an electrician before he brought uproar to the Forest dressing room with tapes of the Stranglers and the Lurkers. The prince among Manilow refuseniks is former Chelsea and Scotland midfielder Pat Nevin, a fan of the Fall and Joy Division who once professed a liking for obscure Factory Records act Crispy Ambulance and who, legend holds, once asked to be subbed in a Chelsea reserve game so he could go to see the Cocteau Twins playing at the ICA. But such players are rare mavericks, seemingly spared the genetic makeup that ensures footballing talent is accompanied by a gene that makes a player susceptible to Kenny G.

These days, when even your grandmother is remotely cool, dressing rooms still vibrate to the safer end of credible music - Oasis, U2 and the Chili Peppers. In recent years, with the increase in players' wages and the consequent adoption of bling culture, rap and R&B have become staples in football clubs as well as nightclubs. Andrew Cole was a pioneer in this respect, even naming his son Devante after the singer in the US R&B group Jodeci. Some - including Rio Ferdinand and Kevin Campbell - have even started labels, although the latter's 2 Wikid imprint was barely heard of again after requiring an injunction to stop big signing Mark Morrison recording - for another label that is.

But after the disgrace that will now surely hound Steven Gerrard, perhaps players will be more discreet about their private passions. Certainly, they should think twice about uttering the words that should strike fear into the heart of any DJ: "Geezer! Got any Phil?"

Stolen from the www.guardian.co.uk

Dave Simpson 2/1/09

only good things i see

ooh 2009 will be great
really truly fab
it is even a bit hard to sit still thinking about how marvy it will be
bring it on 2009
there will be dancing girls
dancing around the place
there will be good tunes
with fab bands playing for free just around the corner
there will be good times
timing everywhere
there will be a friendzy frenzy
so many friends that i wont be able to see sky
there will be fammo whammo
lots of fam, all being cool and interesting
there will be lots of jobs that pay well on offer
a job here, a job there and big jobs at that
there will be optimal health, just stop me doing starjumps you fuckers
positively bursting at the seems with health
there will be world peace, man
everybody being super nice to eachother
there will be a lovefest, my lover
lots of love and loving up the trees
there will be an almighty understanding
i will understand you and he will understand thee
whats so funny about that?
there will be abundant sex for everybody
sex in satellites, sex in capsules and sex on toast
there will be drugs ahoy bending minds in all directions
good drugs, bad drugs and trippy drugs
in every orificer
there will be rock'n'roll at groovacious levels
rocking down the mountains and rolling over the seas
its what your body needs...
there will be streamers, streaming from the unknown skies above
stream around me my fiends
there will be whizz fizz, whizzing through you and betwixt us
whizzle thar and fizzle fiiii
there will be freddo frogs and all races and creeds
plippety plopping and flippety flopping
there will be barbituates to make us smile when we cant smile no more
in abundant wraps, endless foils, in blister packs, everyone to mine for a barbitchy...
and everybody will lurvvvv the birthday parties..

yesshshh missshta ishhzzzard...

2009 and a happy new anus

so its now 2009
so we should all be gaga about the new year machine
well firstly that can fuck off
I mean its purely abitrary..
maybe some jewish kid was born in ILLEGALY OCCUPIED land in the middle east
(fuck me, havent times changed?!!!)
roughly around then
so?
who gives a fuck?
humans have been all kinds of stuff for hundreds of thousands of years!
with all kinds of objects being worshipped by all kinds of suckers
and so it was that this particular crock had great sales people
so now we have to put up with christian fuckheads
popes, smug fools nearby and general wankers sadly not being run over by large machines
and these christians
(who can fuck off btw)
have stopped human development and enlightenment with any means possible
usually with oppression, death and malice
to hang desperately on to the power they so crave
for closing on 2000 fucking years
so thanks a fucking lot
lets celebrate the birth of an illegal, racialist peasant
who caused hundreds of millions of deaths
and continues to do so today..
so happy new wotsit
as of some howsit
so lets all do the whosit in a circle
and throw whensits at the sacred whysit
........................................................................................................................................................................

another reason to fucking hate the malign, racist and bogus entity that is israel

Israel's onslaught on Gaza is a crime that cannot succeed

The US-backed attempt to bring Hamas to heel by overwhelming force is in fact more likely to boost the movement's appeal

The Guardian, Tuesday 30 December 2008

Israel's decision to launch its devastating attack on Gaza on a Saturday was a "stroke of brilliance", the country's biggest selling paper Yediot Aharonot crowed: "the element of surprise increased the number of people who were killed". The daily Ma'ariv agreed: "We left them in shock and awe".

Of the ferocity of the assault on one of the most overcrowded and destitute corners of the earth, there is at least no question. In the bloodiest onslaught on blockaded Gaza since it was captured and occupied by Israel 41 years ago, at least 310 people were killed and more than a thousand reported injured in the first 48 hours alone.

As well as scores of ordinary police officers incinerated in a passing-out parade, at least 56 civilians were said by the UN to have died as Israel used American-supplied F-16s and Apache helicopters to attack a string of civilian targets it linked to Hamas, including a mosque, private homes and the Islamic university. Hamas military and political facilities were mostly deserted, while police stations in residential areas were teeming as they were pulverised.

As Israeli journalist Amos Harel wrote in Ha'aretz at the weekend, "little or no weight was apparently devoted to the question of harming innocent civilians", as in US operations in Iraq. Among those killed in the first wave of strikes were eight teenage students waiting for a bus and four girls from the same family in Jabaliya, aged one to 12 years old.

Anyone who doubts the impact of these atrocities among Arabs and Muslims worldwide should switch on the satellite television stations that are watched avidly across the Middle East and which - unlike their western counterparts - do not habitually sanitise the barbarity meted out in the name of multiple wars on terror.

Then, having seen a child dying in her parent's arms live on TV, consider what sort of western response there would have been to an attack on Israel, or the US or Britain for that matter, which left more than 300 dead in a couple of days.

You can be certain it would be met with the most sweeping condemnation, that the US president-elect would do a great deal more than "monitor" the situation and the British prime minister go much further than simply call for "restraint" on both sides.

But that is in fact all they did do, though the British government has since joined the call for a ceasefire. There has, of course, been no western denunciation of the Israeli slaughter - such aerial destruction is, after all, routinely called in by the US and Britain in occupied Iraq and Afghanistan.

Instead, Hamas and the Palestinians of Gaza are held responsible for what has been visited upon them. How could any government not respond with overwhelming force to the constant firing of rockets into its territory, the Israelis demand, echoed by western governments and media.

But that is to turn reality on its head. Like the West Bank, the Gaza Strip has been - and continues to be - illegally occupied by Israel since 1967. Despite the withdrawal of troops and settlements three years ago, Israel maintains complete control of the territory by sea, air and land. And since Hamas won the Palestinian elections in 2006, Israel has punished its 1.5 million people with an inhuman blockade of essential supplies, backed by the US and the European Union.

Like any occupied people, the Palestinians have the right to resist, whether they choose to exercise it or not. But there is no right of defence for an illegal occupation - there is an obligation to withdraw comprehensively. During the last seven years, 14 Israelis have been killed by mostly homemade rockets fired from the Gaza Strip, while more than 5,000 Palestinians were killed by Israel with some of the most advanced US-supplied armaments in the world. And while no rockets are fired from the West Bank, 45 Palestinians have died there at Israel's hands this year alone. The issue is of course not just the vast disparity in weapons and power, but that one side is the occupier, the other the occupied.

Hamas is likewise blamed for last month's breakdown of the six-month tahdi'a, or lull. But, in a weary reprise of past ceasefires, it was in fact sunk by Israel's assassination of six Hamas fighters in Gaza on 5 November and its refusal to lift its siege of the embattled territory as expected under an Egyptian-brokered deal. The truth is that Israel and its western sponsors have set their face against an accommodation with the Palestinians' democratic choice and have instead thrown their political weight, cash and arms behind a sustained attempt to overthrow it.

The complete failure of that approach has brought us to this week's horrific pass. Israeli leaders believe they can bomb Hamas into submission with a "decisive blow" that will establish a "new security environment" - and boost their electoral fortunes in the process before Barack Obama comes to office.

But as with Israel's disastrous assault on Lebanon two years ago - or its earlier siege of Yasser Arafat's PLO in Beirut in 1982 - it is a strategy that cannot succeed. Even more than Hezbollah, Hamas's appeal among Palestinians and beyond doesn't derive from its puny infrastructure, or even its Islamist ideology, but its spirit of resistance to decades of injustice. So long as it remains standing in the face of this onslaught, its influence will only be strengthened. And if it is not with rockets, its retaliation is bound to take other forms, as Hamas's leader Khalid Mish'al made clear at the weekend.

Meanwhile, the US and Israeli-backed Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas has been further diminished by being seen as having colluded in the Israeli assault on his own people - as has the already rock-bottom credibility of the Egyptian regime. What is now taking place in the Palestinian territories is a futile crime in which the US and its allies are deeply complicit - and unless Obama is prepared to change course, it is likely to have bitter consequences that will touch us all.

s.milne@guardian.co.uk

2008 A YEAR IN REVIEW

it wasnt too shabby...

dungholes, bangholes and bumholes

CORNHOLIO: WHATEVER THE WINNER IS, HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE...

whats your favourite?
surveys across several nations show an alarming trend
29% of all adults surveyed prefered bangholes
82% of all females surveyed preferred dungholes
only 7% of people under 180 cms preferred bumbholes
interestingly,
85% of people surveyed claimed not to have a bunghole
whereas 54% claimed to have dungholes
35% refused to comment on their bangholes
and
in the southern hemisphere
44% of those surveyed thought that bangholes were superior to bangholes
whereas 29% had postcards of dungholes on their fridges
51% said that they vote with their feet, not their bungholes
compared to the northern hemisphere
where 72% said they would cross the road to avoid a dunghole
and 4% said they would cross the road to get to a dunghole
and 31% assumed they had never met any
alarmingly
72% far east asians saw no problems with bangholes running their countries
saying it was better than that pack of dungholes on the other side
105% of pet owners felt that bumholes cause spotted dick
a view shared by only 13% of non pet owners
when faced with the following.
my love is like a red, red dunghole/banghole/bumhole
most surveyed went to the lavatory to have reflect on it
only 25% returned and of those
402% said that red was wildly innacurate
19% said they had made a medical appointment
and 33.3% preferred trotsky
on a nation by nation basis
bangholes were found to be far preferred by italians
dungholes enormous favourites with the english
and bumholes were enormous favourites in suburban areas of australia
the japanese vacillated (enthusiastically) between banguhorrus and dunguhorrus
west papuans preferred to put bones in any of them with no particular preferences
french speaking nations refused to participate because every time an attempt was made to translate the terms 'frenchmen all' arose on monitors
strangely, despite not being present on the list of options
bungholes won overwhelmingly in godblessamerica.inc

shut up, cricks on the radio

theres been quite a bit of crick around of late
i dont know where my hairnet is either
crick on the telly
and crick on the radio
funny old game that crick
especially the one that goes on and on and on
and that italians think is ridiculous
coz it goes on and on and on and on
four five days! for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
to sit and watch on the telly its mostly boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and you cant just sit there and listen to the radio
coz most of the time
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
the people just bang on about random stuff
but they at least have a little dignity
except for that bloke who laughs at his own jokes
who isnt annoying after all
its kind of relaxing
the smatter of patter
the background noise
the clappage
the appeals
the willow on leather bull
its all kind of comforting
and completely summer in osstraya
communque its boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
but you just want to know whats going on
its like some kind of very lightweight drug
you have to know whats going on
and when the stuff does actually happen
its just after you get fed up and bog off
or just before you come back to it
even at the cricket in a kick arse big stadium
surrounded by loads of people
its pretty boring
its fun to be there
but its boring
and once again
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and stuff only happens when you give up to go for a wazz
or to queue for rubbish food that costs too much
and you hear the roar from up the stairs and around the corner

why boxing day?

in certain parts of the world
the day after ahem 'christ'mas
is called boxing day
because everybody stands about and punches the crap out of each other
very primitive indeed these anglo traditions
in more civilized nations they have far more useful things to do on the 26th of december
in iran its repression day
in godblessamerica inc. its shooting black people day
in somalia its go hungry again day
in ecuador its bunghole day
in nigeria its stalk catherine day
in china its agree with the government day
in canadia its bryan adams pimple day
in ukraine its stand around freezing your arse off day
in thailand its dont slag the king off day
in spain its thththhththt double ththththt day
in scotland its get really drunk and incomprehensible day
in zimbabwe its do as i say or die day
in israel its be arseholes to the indigenous people day
in japan its rewrite the history books day
in colombia its do a few lines day
in jamaica its get high and stabbed day
in any of the stans its ignore russia and hope it goes away day
in new zealand its prattle on about rugby day
in brazil stay out of the favelas day
in russia its one party system day
in ireland its the catholic church sucks day
in morocco its lets steal our neighbours land day
in cuba its isnt fidel still honestly great day
in venezuela its when the fuck will chavez shut up day
in iceland its wha wha happened to the money day
in north korea its when will that prick die day
in rwanda its just dont mention the GENOCIDE day

the 12 days of shitemas

on the first day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nothing coz she aint real

on the second day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the third day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the fourth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the fifth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the sixth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the seventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the eighth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the ninth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the tenth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the eleventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the twelfth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
12 episodes of big brother
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickelback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real...

Portfolio eye view of the world - Z

Z
Zambia
Just to the north of zimbabwe in over thar from malawi is zambia, or zam as the funky folk call it. In fact the border that divides it and zimbabwe is the ZAMBeze river-coincidence? And part of that border are the smoke that thunders, the victoria falls, which kick arse and are a fab place to hurl yourself off a bridge with a rubber band attached to yer leg. The capital of Zambia is lusaka and i nearly missed the truck there, faffing about in a market.
travel advice-probably a better place to see vic falls from than over the river, and dont faff too much at markets

Zimbabwe
what no rhodesia? dammit. Zimbabwe is mysteriously on the other side of the zambezi from zambia. It took them ages to get rid of the white fuckers and that lead to a government of corrupt black fuckers led by one mugabe. He has taken zim from being the bread basket of africa, to being the toilet of africa. which sucks arse coz its a truly beautiful place.
travel advice-ahhhhhh forgeddaabowtttit! you wanna die or wot?

Portfolio eye view of the world - Y

Y
Yemen
I know a girl from yemen and its enough to make me right cranky. Yemen is pretty much the southern tip of the arabian peninsula, which bodes badly for not being a shit, backwards, sexist, racist shit tip. women cannot drive cars, most women cannot work, women must marry who they are told, as usual with these islamic ountries they have no rights. Well just fuck off. The capital sanaa has some fab looking buildings that look like they are made of gingerbread.
travel advice-before you even think about it, consider its the home of the bin laden family and read the book 'sold' about how well they treat people.

Portfolio eye view of the world - X

X

har har!

Portfolio eye view of the world - W

W
Western Sahara
WS should be a nation on the north western atlantic coast of africa. But its not, and why not? well its because of the dodgy moroccan fuckers who want to claim it, without any good reason.
travel advice-go there and send the king of morocco a postcard telling to fuck off.

Wales
Wales, Galles, Cymru and all that jazz. Wales is well cool, so cool that i decided to live there and go back and visit when i can. They have slate mountains, great mountains (apparently), and pretty coastlines. They also have whacky people, too much rugby, lots of beer and fucking stewwwwwwwwwwdents. Prince Chaz isnt really the king of wales, thats tom jones. It only has a population of a few million but the language is still happening despite the english saesnegs trying to kill it off. acher vee and dim smuggy! and long live pbly cym. Notable welsh people include Vegas Bob, Jobo, Lisebo, Tom Jones, that old bird that sings and dylan thomas.
travel advice-getting drunk is very fun in wales, but do try to see some nature instead of getting legless every bloody minute (like i heard some people do...)

dont get your way rads mixed up with your bulk rads or your gnarli rads

and hang on to your bunghole...

I heard it from my friends about the things she said...

she said...
i like tricycles
you are beige
legs dont speak
arent isnt aint
it isnt enough to be gruff
bubble spit splat
no cars go
noses are nose go zones
does my horse look big in this?
im late for work
byzantine labyrinth vivsections
how can i help you?
oh shut it
goddam blue beetles
no no no beanbags seat 2
americans float his bot
get some social
oh youuuu guys
its gone
next time you leave close the door solid like!

she sure does bang on a bit and i have i no idea why they want to tell me about it

Portfolio eye view of the world - V

V
Vanuatu
Hmm, yes thats vanuatu, not ththanuatu as its known in ththpain. Vanuatu is another island in the souf pacific like and became interesting a couple of years ago because a richard bransons beard started flying there from osstraya. It must have been great news for the tourism industry and everything was most probably quite lovely. Then something bad happend, really bad, beavis went there with leon. They lunched all over the place, underwater, on top of volcanoes and drank kava. Just when it looked as if things were looking up, camel squared went their and showed his wang to everybody
travel advice-dont whatever you do admit to knowing beavis, chemical weapons retaliation is on the cards if you do.

Vatican City
of just fuck off. the vatican is NOT a country, its just a little bit of stolen land run by lying, stealing, murdering fucking pricks with dresses on. the catholic church. I fucking hate the catholic church, they can fuck right off and give that bit of rome back to the bel paese. Notable residents- kiddie fiddlers, torturers, mass murderers and just plain big fucking scam artists
travel advice-firebomb selectively, there is some good art there

Venezuela
Venezuela is a very interesting place indeed. It has ridiculously fab caribbean beaches, fuckoff enormous andean mountains, the highest waterfall on the planet and cheap beer. It was founded by Simon Bolivar-the liberator of the five countries (not to be confused with Simon Portfolio-liberator of the five chickens) and still hasnt got over it. the currency is the bolivar as is half the other stuff around. Due to bad luck, they also have one of the biggest buttholes as president and he is successfully squandering huge amounts of oil money on not much. It must be the most expensive country in latin america except for petrol which is cheaper than milk. Notable Venezuelans include, Vanessa and family and lots of other nice people i met. THTHHTHTHTTH alert, mark 14.
travel advice-take loads of us dollars and change them on the black market, dont spend it all on portugese giblets and getting drunk with catherine in brixton.

Vietnam
Vietnam isnt a real country, it was made up by godlbessamericans inc. film makers. Nah just kidding you are a great reader! it is indochina next to china, laos and cambodia. Apparently its really fab and i would love it. I used to work with a vietnamese guy called dark helmet. After the french fucked off the reds wanted some action so they had some biffo and the godlbessamericans came in and they LOST! Except for Rambo of course, he won. things were grim so lots of people got boats the hell out of there and many came to osstraya.
travel advice- eat, drink and be hairy.

Come see magical lapland winter wonderland! in the new forest Dorset, England...

admire the graceful reindeer...
see the savage huskies chained to their err boxes...
gaze in awe at the touching nativity scene..

And it only costs 25 pounds a head!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/7758112.stm
Click on the pictures to see real entertainment brilliance at work

now this is brilliant, its better than kryal castle, wobbies world, mini europe, coal creek korrumburra and pissweak world combined at twice the combined price!
a shafting for all the family...

you're a human sacrifice to the goddess of vice

aye those were the daze..
steves gnarli beard machine, looking slick in his purple
marty without his bandido beard looky v pretty and swaying his guitar about...
koppes looking kinda koppesish cool in his reserved way
and jaydee doouuuouughghghgherty with his pony tail
and how about those wavy arm things... cool...
brilliant... watch this and try not to stay fashionable!

a whole lot of nothing

simon wants me to write him a blog on everything i am going to buy him for christmas.....

Portfolio eye view of the world-U

U
Uganda
Is a pretty funky name for a country dont you think? Uganda is very central africa and sits on one side of lake victoria, named after that famous african king, victoria. It was also the home of internationally famous nutbag, idi amin. Mr amin managed to take over the country, go completely insane and kill everybody he could, possibly the best value in the psycho dictator shoppe today. I was once on a plane that was going to uganda, but i escaped in a balloon during the carter regime. Uganda wasnt so lucky when armyvis was in the area, calling it a most unnatural disaster.
travel advice-go see the gorrillas in the pissed, if you know what i mean.

Ukraine
Thats Ukraine, not The Ukraine like some buttmunches keep on about, how would they like it if everybody went around banging on about the australia or the britain. so shut up. Ukraine was until recently part of the ussr and a large percentage of the population are russians, so much so that they dont even speak ukranian. (at least thats what a dancing chick in hurghada told me). The capital is kiev and isnt stuffed wth creamy sauce. I got quite close to ukraine once but decided slovakia was whacky enuff for me. In recent times Ukraine managed to piss off the russian bastards who tried to poison their leader with their orange flavoured revolution and got some democracy and now want to be european and nato flavoured. They may need some luck with keeping the kremlin outta town, see georgia. and how about chernobyl and radioactive lollipops? yes, that is in ukraine too.
travel advice-the expression christ on a bike should NOT be applied to beavis on his way to work

United Arab Emirates
known around the wild streets as the uae. so they are united and they are emirates and they are generally pretty arab, three of my favourite adjectives. I think there are 12 of these little camel molesting bits of sand that should be of no importance of all, but they found oil so now they are all over the place and wah wah wah. The two richest, abu dabi and dubai have gone out into the international supermarket of stuff and bought airlines, football clubs, ridiculously tall buildings, racing tracks, theme parks and islands made of sand that look like palm leaves. They are NOT democracies and being arabic, the women are second class, dont believe the hype, they can go and make in a culo.
travel advice-just fucking leave it out wont you?!!

Godblessamerica inc.
Oh dear, you kind of need a whole blog to talk about godblessamerica inc. they modestly named themselves the united states of america, ignorting the fact that they took up less than a tenth of the land mass of the americas and there are 20 or so other american states. godblessamerica inc. is currently the biggest kid on the planetary block and has a habit of being a bunghole, causing death and mayhem anywhere on the planet you care to name. Only 14 percent of godblessamericans have passports, so that says pretty much all you need to know. The country was formed by english religious lunatics and hasnt progressed much. Basically the nation could be summed up as gun shagging, bible humping racist ignorant twats. They became the main world dominators during the century of mass communication, so coca cola, nike, starbucks, mcdonalds, basketball caps and britney spears are bloody everywhere
travel advice-i would rather eat my boots after dipping them in goat shit and arsenic pudding than go to godblessamerica inc again.

Uruguay
its the other guay, just across the river plata from buenos aires. Uruguay isnt up to much these days, they have a pretty good football team, they have gum trees and theres that movie 'alive' about uruguyan rugby players snacking on eachother bottoms. the capital is montevideo which sounds like something particularly pervy involving making love to beavis's videa to me. Even the biggest bogan ignorant australians have now heard of uruguay after we beat them in the world cuppy wuppy play off match. Which caused no end of trauma for urugugugugugyans coz they believed they had a 'divine right' to go to the world cup finals, being hosts of the first ever one and twice winning the whole shebang. Large thththththht warning.
travel advice-if you cant feel your legs, you have taken too many drugs and should stop driving.

Uzbekistan
One of the stanniest of the stan family. Uzbekistan has trees and mountains but no lemurs. Central asia, former ussr, blah blah blah. notable uzbekis include err the president of uzebekistan.
travel advice-you can walk there from south africa if you really, really want to.

this blog and the universe

this is the known universe...
what does it have in common with this blog?
well.. they are both out 'there' in big and indefineable places ...
AND the search for intelligent life forms out 'there' goes on...
sending out messages into the nothingness.. waiting for some kind of coherent response...
so far it is Universe 0: My Blog 0
sospiro profondo

interestingvis

man that beavis bloke is fascinating
no matter what he does
its always reviting
i cant tear my eyes off him
he bats an eyelid
and i am amazed
he is forever up to interesting things
sometimes he makes food in the kitchen
its brilliant
i sit there on the cold floor peering up
desperately trying to see what hes doing
the other night he was playing with his bike machine
i just sat there and gazed on
the other day he was blowing bubbles
i couldnt help myself but watch
even when some came a bit close to me
and i freaked out a bit
then there was the time when he was playing with an air pump
i sat there on the carpet and watched on
the rude fucker even blew air at me
which i hated
but i came back for more
i watched on from a safer distance
sometimes he does stuff in his herb pots
you wouldnt believe how riveting that can be
i can sit there on the bbq and observe for hours
occasionally at the weekend i sit on his lap
and he scratches my chin
which makes me stare away at him without blinking
when he throws a silver ball of foil along the ground
i am helpless to resist it
i hurl myself after it with abandon
oftentimes during the day
i hang out in his house
waiting for him to come home and be interesting
i have to humour this other bloke
who is such a bore compared to beavis
how does he do it?
what will his next trick be?
is there no end to his intrigue?

Portfolio eye view of the world T - Part 2

T
Trinidad and Tobago
That is two T's in one go, not bad and I didn't even have to do the dodgy myself, they did it for me. They are two islands in the caribbean just off the coast of venezuela. They play a bit of cricket and they put up with planeloads of europeans coming to lounge around on their beaches, drink their beer and be generally superior. I nearly flew there to get to venezuela, as trinidad is only a few hours and 200 fucking us dollars away. notable t&tians include dwight yorke who is a big football playing slut.
travel advice-get the ferry there from venezueala if you wish, but take you shafty credit card.

Tunisia
Bleagh. Tunisia is erik's beloved land of joy, he simply cannot get enough of tunisia and tunisians in particular and little tunisians boys specifically. It is on the north coast of africa (noted homeland of all things civilized) and probably the most grown up of the maghrebi countries, in that they dont try to kill westerners for being westerners. It really is a piffling little country but they somehow manage to send waves of backward bungholes to italy to annoy everybody with load crap music (eg my bloody next door neighbour) It was also the home lf carthage, a once mighty civilization that the romans didnt like so the destroyed it, razed it to the ground and killed EVERYBODY. that showed hannibal and his elephants who was boss. they also have a mysteriously good football team.
travel advice-throw things at daniele and then look at the thingy where they shot a bit of star wars.

Turkey
gobble gobble. Turkey came out of the ashes of the ottoman empire, an empire entirely of comfy foot resting machines that kicked large lumps out of europe for a bit. the last big act of the ottomans was to commit GENOCIDE on the armenians and lie about it to this very day. Befoer that it was capital of the eastern part of the roman empire. Istanbul to Constantinople to Istanbul to Constantinople. These days it is trying to be a sensible country but is being held back by all the islamic nutters around. It is trying to be a bridge between europe and asia and join the EU ?!!Catherine lived there for a bit and so did Emma but she got all pregnant and had to go home. There are lots of cool turks around, notably ones that came to play in salisbury. notable turks include that writer bloke who had the balls to talk about the GENOCIDE, attaturk the founder of the state for insisting that religion and state MUST be kept seperate and Ece.
travel advice-the bleaches sound fab as do the big mosque machines (to look at as ARCHAIC relics only)

Turkmenistan
Is a stan. With turks in it, so probably a remnant of the ottoman empire. Not to be confused is Stanistanistan, the mother of all Stans, including Stan (d) in the place where you were...
travel advice-say hi to 3 guys called Stan for me

Tuvalu
Tuvalu is an island in the south pacific, it is small unlike greenland which is big, and an island in the north atlantic. The main source of income is selling their suffix for the internerd; TV.
notable tuvaluans include trevor, trellis and trevis tuvalu
travel advice-dont take a gun onboard the plane, people will look at you funny

Portfolio eye view of the world T - Part 1

T
Tajikistan
One of my favourite stans, right up their with stanislaw from poland via scotland and northcote, stan the man longanidis, stan lazaridis, stanley knife and stan stan he's our man, if he cant do it a no one can. Central asia, probably and unfortunately islamic and former ussr victims. The capital is dushanbe which is was made famous in spies like us when dan akyroyd and bill murray were looking for the road to it...
travel advice-advance your feet in that familiar left foot-right foot combination until you get to the road to dushanbe

Tanzania
no, its not pronounced tanZANIA, as much fun as that would be. tanzania is pretty cool all things considered, they have the biggest mountain in africa (maybe) mt kilimanjaro which i saw over thar once. They also have the ngorgoro crater which is completely bulk ace and lots of giraffes wombling about the place. It consists of tanganyika and zanzibar (which is really, truly fab), ha, i bet you didnt know that!
travel advice-go look at all the groovy animals and err watch broken arrow on the ferry to zanzibar. (where summer days are hot)

Thailand
At the moment thailand is really pretty dire, protests and handgrenades and pharangs locked up in bagners airport. they also have a corrupt regime, and a stupid islamist insurgency down south. More groovily, catherine lived their for a bit and i went to visit her. it was a way posh place with a big swimmy poolly, pretty porcelain doll thai girls, enormous wankers australian expats and proper hot chilli dishes that wanna hard men gringos nearly have their heads blown off. It is also famous for elephants and temples and pervy perv shows. Formerly known as siam, it was the only country is that part of asia not to be colonised, which maybe explains their contempt for pharangs, which really is a bit rich. (it must be true coz catherine told me so)
travel advice-dont go there til the airport opens again, it would bite the big one at present.

Tibet
its a bloody country! dont believe the maggoty han chinese with their horrid scummy attempts to legitimise their annexing of tibet. they can go make in an arse!
notable tibetans include the daily llama and the bloke from the beastie boys.
travel advice/challenge - tell a chinese person to get the fuck out of tibet and stay alive...

Togo
Not to be confused with tojo, who never made it to, never made it to, never made it to .. darwin. Togo is a country, not a warmongering japanese admiral fucker. Its most likely in west africa, coz i dont know where it is. Emanual adebeyor is from there and he is a brill footballer who plays for arsenal. Famous togoians-not tojo
travel advice-travel is good, travel is golden, travel can be done in the back of a holden

Tonga
Tis in the south pacific, near samoa probably and i went there when i was very short. They still have a monarchy and lots of groovy traditions about sitting in circles with funky kit on. They also export many of their thugs called tuali to australia to terrorise innocent people in high schools and stand around out the front of pubs and clubs looking monolithic.
travel advice-dont pick fights in tonga unless you want your head removed and shoved up you arse.

fun with stereotypes! the great new game from bunghole brothers

from whacky chinese peasants planting their seeds olympically and now time for loony arabs sandle surfin on the highway... what next an english person eating bangers and mash from their bowler hat? the fun never ends with the bunghole brothers!

whats going on here?

the blog has kind of dragged to a halt in the last few days
after the sterling regularity at the start of the month
going at a post a day
it has petered out
(what did peter ever do to deserve that verb?)
i am sure that there have been riots in the streets of rio de janiero
public unrest in koln
and some bloke falling out of a tree in logan
because of the lack of information, titillation, slander and rubbish flowing from this blog
people flocking trafalgar square in london
chanting 'we have heard of the limebeaver'
'we hang on his every utterance'
'whats going on here?'
well what do you expect? they are canadians...
i imagine particularly in religious type nations the papers are demanding to know what happened
the saudi female genital mutilators must be perplexed
the israelis are pausing briefly between persecution of palestinians
the vatican between campaiging to stop condoms in aids ridden africa must be at a standstill
the godbothering televangelists in darkest most ignorant godblessamerica inc.
the afghani taliban stopping temporarily their jihad for a quick look on their i phones
how can they possibly carry on with limebeaver news
wankers
the ecuadorians in rome carefully putting their baseball caps at stupid angles
the gypsies in slovakia loitering on trains 'brushing into' people
the peruvians in cuzco sneering and scamming at the tourists
the filthy rich few in lagos, nigeria in their humvees dining out on caviar with shell executives
the maroccans in valencia coming up with another great idea to kill masses
the snooty inbred 'lended gentry' in buckinghamshire totting at their pimms
the kim jong most ill cronies in pyong yang stealing aid from the starving
the evil arab government in sudan plotting more ethnic cleansing
the morons in the phillipines demanding an islamic caliphate for all of south east asia
the mugabe-ites in harare beating, stabbing and killing their opponents
the weapons salesmen in london, paris, moscow and beijing merrily flogging weapons in bidding wars to any tyrant who asks
the corrupt 'communist' leaders in beijing destroying the people of tibet
the wilfully pig ignorant japanese government continuing their 'scientific' sushi whaling for phony 'traditions'
the army in rangoon oppressing an entire nation because they feel like it
the jewish lobbyists in washington ensuring that news of israels disgraceful activities never see they light of day in the press
the white trash policeman in the torres strait islands beating indiginous people for fun
the indonesian army chiefs that orchestrated massacres in dili, west papua and ambon because people wanted their country back
the canadian sealers that club baby seals to death to make pretty coats
the loggers that are decimating the brazilian amazon to make toothpicks
the kgb agents in moscow assassinating journalists who dare ask questions
the mainland ecuadorians who illegally relocated to the galapagos islands and are destroying the ecosystem
the mexican drug lords murdering policemen and civilians who try to stop their workd
the chippy new zealanders who made death threats against a kiwi sailor working for the 'enemy' in the americas cup
the hindu psychopaths destroying muslim sites in india
the hordes of 'teachers' brainwashing millions of muslim children in madrassas to hate all over the world
and john howard...
all cry in one united voice 'oh limebeaver where art thou, you cunt?"

the chinese peasant olympics... yeah, really

it's funny coz they are different....

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=5VJvAJEI7Qw

and because they are buttnuggets...
check out these gripping events, seed planting, tyre pushing and four legged team sprints...

Portfolio eye view of the world - S part 5

S

Suriname

Suriname is on the north eastern part of south america, near strawberry guyana, french guyana and a few other flavours of guyana.  Suriname had a bloke who swam at the olympics whose name was anthony nesty.  They may well have been a dutch colony, or not depending on how you like your goat flakes in the morning.  Maybe they even speak phlegmish! Famous people include anthony nesty who was crap at swimming.

travel advice-get an interview with anthony nesty or if he's not available try for anthony nasty

Swaziland

Like its brother/sister dodgy state Lesotho, Swaziland is a joke country.  Two bits of south africa picked out for fuck nose what reason to be their own nation. Poor black people not getting up to much coz they live in silly bit of earth fenced off because of?

travel advice-whats the fucking point? go to a proper country like madagascar instead

Sweden

Now that is a proper country! home to the vikings that kicked arse through russia all the way to the volga river and down to the black sea.  Hell they even gave Russia its name! Marten is from Sweden and he is hilarious and not bad at football.  They have the prettiest population on earth, everybody is very handsome and Sweden has some good ideas about a welfare state. I spent a 6 months savings in a week or so in goteburg trying to keep up with marten and destroy my liver.  Stockholm is beautiful and very cool coz  both Steve and Marty from the church lived there.

travel advice-dont go in the winter unless you want your nadgers/ovaries frozen off

Switzerland

its famous for being neutral, during centuries of biffo the schweiss have stayed safely put behind their formidable mountains.  they arent part of the EU and are very happy with that.  The country is gorgeous with groovy  lakes and mountains and the like.  There are more banks than people eating more chocolate than swiss army clocks, or some such rubbish.  If you go up Mt Younglady on the groovy train machine there is a cool ice museum, made out of ice!  The country is made of cantons but dont serve chinese food and there are french, german, romansch and italian speaking communities. Notable citizens include, Einstein and George's Dad.

travel advice-beware of inscriptions claiming keith 'putting it in deep' in interlaken, this is utterly unverifiable

 

Syria

Axis of evil? trousers of terror? big bad guys with moustaches?  Whatever the terminology of the day syria are uncool according the godblessamerica inc. , so they must be evil!  Their government played a part in blowing up people in Lebanon, coz they reckon that lebanon should be theirs, and they might just have a point there.  They are of course, an islamic state so they are daft and backwards and they keep funding Hamas and islamic jihad nutters to blow up israel and wotnot. (which is not necessarily unreasonable).  

travel advice-it may well be full of fab historical stuff, but i would rather chop off your ears and call them Brandy than go there.

a flowered ukelele and a singer songwriterix

i went to a kiddly party just the other day

apparently it wasnt that kiddly after all

it did seem very kiddly to me at the time

allegedly there were only 6 kiddlies

but it really did seem as if there were at least twice that number

there was little miss birthday pants

who had turned four

looking very smart in what i called a frock

and a badge proclaiming 'birthday princess'

in case somebody missed out on it

there was her little sister

who ran around and around and around

and tried to do what she did 

but only ever really managed half of it

there was a boy who didnt have a nappy

he was rather energetic 

and a boy who had a nappy who was less so

and looked eerily like a bloke i once knew

then there was the singer-songwriterix

who luuuuved being the centre of attention

she had one of those echo microphones

and was writing songs about ponies and the beach

and loving and happy birthday

she was really rather good

but did go on a bit

in the end i slowed her down by demanding songs about motorbikes and explosions

then there was the other girl

who was really young and dribbly

there were also parents of these pairs of things

that seem to also come in pairs

who stand around admiring/admonishing/cleaning these creatures

it really is a different world

like going behind a ....

scary door

i got the birthday one a pink ukelele with flowers on it

great present i say

she wasnt to good at holding it the right way

but she was getting into it

i had a hangover and was having a problem getting into it

not in the mood for kiddly shouting and small talk

apparently kiddly parties often have 15 or more kiddlies attending 

how fucking horrendous!

but the kiddlies seemed to have fun

they ran around

they hit a big number four with a stick

they sang and strummed

they were read stories

they played policeman and hairdresser victims with dogs in their knees

they ate lots of sweeties, sweetie

there was two sittings at the table

the kiddly one and then a grownuppy one

since when the fuck am i a grown up?

In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of Wales devised the ultimate plan...

They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TAFFINATOR' ...



Stolen from the welsh legends at www.taffwars.com

Portfolio eye view of the world - S Part 4

S
Somalia
Black Hawk Down, that is pretty much all that most people know about somalia. At least it has the horn, the horn of africa, thats a pretty big horn. These days Somalia is a basket case, run by nobody in particular and half of any group of maggots with guns. Ayaan Hirsi Ali came from Somalia and wrote a couple of corker books about it and now islamic nutters want to blow her up. It is also home to loads of pirates who do over any old boat trying to get to the red sea.
Travel advice-go there by all means if you want to be robbed, shot, stabbed, raped, oppressed and/or killed

South Africa
It is that bit at the bottom of Africa, in the southern most area, hence the imaginative name. The land of the zulus and mandiba man. The dutch and english squabbled over it in colonial times and the english won, but the descendants of the dutch stuck around and were generally very racist rednecked arses and watched shit games likes rugby. The honkies oppressed the blacks until recently and fucked with anybody who didnt like it, including mandiba man who is a legend car. Bits of the world boycotted south africa except kim hughes, which was smart. The largest city is Johnnesburg which is one of the murder capitals of the world, as the lady at the info desk in the bus station told us, 'you can go out those doors, but you might not come back'. The nature is fab, a beautiful coast, gnarli rad game parks with wicked animals and big mountainy bits.
Travel advice-the pretty bits are great, but stick to them and there are cool wallaby type animals on top of table mountain.

Spain
thththhththththtpain is on the iberian peninsula and they speak ththhthththtpanish. The other bit is portugal where they speak zjzjzjzjzjzjzj. Spain was once incredibly powerful and ran most of the americas, by way of murdering all the locals and stealing all the gold. Unfortunately they also left behind their language too. Spain also had those fab inquisitions in the name of the catholic church and we all know how lovely that was. At least they have a rich tradition in the arts, Picasso, Gaudi, Goya and a lot more. Beware certain parts of spain where you might get hassled by drunken red brits or other bits were you might get blown up by basque separatists (who have a point). I spent the end of the millenium in basquelandia with streamers, mushrooms and dear friends and wished everybody a happy new anus.
travel advice-practice your thththth before you go and try not to wish people happy new anus.

Sri Lanka
Ceylon no more. It looks a bit like india is crying and sri lanka is that tear. it just sort of sits below the subcontinent and it sounds pretty cool to me. The Tamil folk in the north are pretty cranky and constantly blowing stuff up coz they want the ir own bit of turf and the sri lankans are mad about cricket. The tea is supposed to be very good there and kamahl is from there, but not limahl. Most excitingly, Jehovis's mum is from there and she was doing okay until she met some big haired git.
travel advice-ride an elephant, swim in the ocean just dont mention the wart

Sudan
There are a lot of sudanese refugees, that pretty much tells a story. The government is run by the usual racist islamic scumbags who are happy to murder their fellow sudanese muslims because they are black. Utter, utter filth. In the north-eastern africa shit has been going down for a long time but these guys take the cake and some lobster too.
travel advice-eat your own boots, and your feet too if necessary to stop being shipped there.

can't think of anything clever to say? steal stuff from someone smarter...

Nowhere man: a farewell to Dubya, all-time loser in presidential history

• 
• • Simon Schama
  • The Guardian,
  • Monday November 3 2008

"Forgotten but not gone" was the way in which the supremo of Boston politics, Billy Bulger, liked to dismiss the human irritants he had crushed beneath his trim boot. The same could now be said for the hapless 43rd President of the United States as the daylight draws mercifully in on his reign of misfortune and calamity. How is he bearing up, one wonders, as the candidate from his own party treats him as the carrier of some sort of infectious political disease? How telling was it that the most impassioned moment in John McCain's performance in the final debate was when he declared: "I am not George Bush."

Where, O where are you, Dubya, as the action passes you by like a jet skirting dirty weather? Are you roaming the lonely corridors of the White House in search of a friendly shoulder around which to clap your affable arm? Are you sweating it out on the treadmill, hurt and confused as to why the man everyone wanted to have a beer (or Coke) with, who swept to re-election four years ago, has been downgraded to all-time loser in presidential history, stuck there in the bush leagues along with the likes of James Buchanan and Warren Harding? Or are you whacking brush in Crawford, where the locals now make a point of telling visitors that George W never really was from hereabouts anyroad.

Whatever else his legacy, the man who called himself "the decider" has left some gripping history. The last eight years have been so rich in epic imperial hubris that it would take a reborn Gibbon to do justice to the fall. It should be said right away that amid the landscape of smoking craters there are one or two sprigs of decency that have been planted: record amounts of financial help given to Aids-blighted countries of Africa; immigration reform that would have offered an amnesty to illegals and given them a secure path to citizenship, had not those efforts hit the reef of intransigence in Bush's own party. And no one can argue with the fact that since 9/11 the United States has not been attacked on its home territory by jihadi terrorists; though whether or not that security is more illusory than real is, to put it mildly, open to debate.

Bet against that there is the matter of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilian casualties, more than 4,000 American troops dead, many times that gravely injured, not to mention the puncture wounds and mutilations inflicted on internationally agreed standards of humane conduct for prisoners - and on the protection of domestic liberties enshrined in the American constitution. If the Statue of Liberty were alive, she would be weeping tears of blood.

If Bush himself has been largely kept out of sight, his baleful legacy has been visible in the McCain campaign. McCain has made much of his credentials for independence of mind, a claim which once was credible given his support for immigration reform and opposition to Bush's tax cuts. But somewhere along the road to the Republican nomination, all of this became less important than the lessons of the Reagan-Bush-Rove political playbook which, with the exception of the Clinton election of 1992, seemed to have a track record of unbroken success.

McCain knew this from bitter personal experience, having been on the receiving end of Bush lowball politics in the South Carolina primary in 2000. Coming out of a convincing win against George Bush in New Hampshire he was stopped in his tracks by a smear campaign conducted through push-poll phone calls in which people were asked whether they knew that the daughter McCain had adopted from Sri Lanka was in fact the illegitimate child of an affair with a woman of colour. Now you would think McCain could never reconcile himself to a politician capable of those kinds of tactics. But there he was in the campaign of 2004, stumping the country for the incumbent, ingratiating himself with the conservative base he knew he would need, even as his old Vietnam buddy, John Kerry, was being coated in slime by the Swift Boaters.

Whatever misgivings McCain might have had about adopting the hardball tactics of his 2000 adversary have long since disappeared before the blandishments of classic Bush-style operatives like Rick Davis and Stephen Schmidt. "Do you want to be pure, or do you want to win"? they must have asked right after the nomination. Ditching Joe Lieberman as a running mate and unleashing pitbull Palin was his answer.

So even while George Bush is kept at arm's length from the campaign, his campaign style lives on as Obama is stigmatised as a terrorist-friendly stealth-socialist, too deeply unAmerican to be let anywhere near the Oval Office. "He just doesn't see America as we do" says Sarah Palin trying to wink her way into Dick Cheney's seat. McCain is betting the house that this way of doing politics has at least one more hurrah left in it, and we will find out on in the early hours of Wednesday morning whether he is right.

The Bush presidency is the spectre haunting the feast in more than tactics. Although every conservative administration since Ronald Reagan has promised to deliver, through supply-side stimulation, economic growth without bloated deficits, they have never been vindicated in their blind faith in what Bush senior once rashly called "voodoo economics". Consistently, they have brought the US Wall Street crashes and recessions along with massive deficits; and yet somehow, the stake that history attempts to drive through the heart of their economic theology never puts the ghoul away.

No weight of evidence to the contrary has ever shaken the totemic belief that tax cuts can grow the economy robustly enough to compensate for drastic shortfalls in revenue. George W Bush clung to this belief even as the Clinton budget surplus was converted into a mountainous deficit, and John McCain continues to parrot the same belief with the shining face of a true believer.

Not even Gibbon could supply a story as fatefully bizarre as the ultimate consummation of Reagan-Bush conservatism, its last act: the most massive shift of financial power from the private to the public sector since the New Deal. Rather like the Pope deciding that all along he really wanted a barmitzvah.

If you look at this saga as the history of a dynasty; it's come full circle. For, believe it or not, there once was a time when Bush politics was about centrist moderation. Dubya's revered granddad, Prescott Sheldon Bush, son of an Ohio railroad executive and senator for Connecticut from 1952 to 1963, was punished in the Catholic towns of industrial Connecticut for his connection with Planned Parenthood. Not only that, but he was a trustee of the United Negro College Fund, the kind of institution that made the eventual career of Barack Obama conceivable.

But the Bushes have always been selective about idealism. And even at the height of the Kennedy-Johnson apogee, Prescott and George Herbert Walker Bush were turning the pages of Barry Goldwater's Conscience of a Conservative. They could smell the wind direction changing. The future of Republican money and Republican power lay elsewhere; with Texas oil. Hence the migration to Midland Texas of George Herbert Walker Bush and his makeover into a Texan who knew the ways of the corporate world; and how to bring about the Great Cosiness between government and business that seemed like the perfect feedback loop: money to power, power to money; tax breaks for the corporations; donations to those who might command the heights.

This is the politics George W Bush inherited, and he has been its faithful disciple; to the point of purging it of any remaining traces of pragmatism. It is astounding to hear rightwing talkshow bloviators rant about the predicament of the Bush administration being caused by its failure to carry out the true conservative agenda. For there never has been and never will be a more doctrinally faithful instrument of the creed. Never mind the hanging chads of 2000, the Cheney-Bush administration seized the moment to bring on the Goldwater-Reagan Rapture in which government was once and for all got out of the way of business.

So it hasn't really been all George Bush's fault, the stupendous American fiasco. He came to power armed with an ideology that was about to crash and burn; that was, years before the present tumult, already fatally disconnected from historical reality. It was on his watch that American government needed reinventing. It was responsible government that was needed in Iraq and Afghanistan; government that was desperately needed in New Orleans after Katrina, while all George Bush could manage was a fly-by. It is government that this most anti-governmental of all American administrations is learning that is needed now to save the United States from a second Depression.

In his heart of hearts I actually think the shell-shocked Dubya, somewhere in the bowels of his presidency knows this. But he is nowhere to be found, and so on goes the mad rant that health care reform and progressive taxes are the Trojan horse for socialist revolution. To which those who have another view altogether might want to say, fear not, for yours, as a Republican president once said, is a government of the people, by the people. And really it will not perish from the earth.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/nov/03/george-bush-legacy-dubya

you can, you might, you shall, you should, you must, you will...

Assorted members of the Limebeaver International Evisceration Syndicate (L.I.E.S) awaitng interrogation.

ask me a question
request a blog topic
demand a retraction
inquire about a rant
solicit some lacking information
quiz my knowledge on something
take issue with some nasty assertions
query a baseless claim
question the credibility of a post
interrogate the spouter of this rubbish
go on, do it to me...
you know you want to...
do something dammit!!!!

please, do tell me what images I can publish...

Known kiddie fiddler Mohammed the Bung.

this is one of the images that caused mayhem when they were printed in a danish newspaper.
muslims all over the world went nuts, burning down buildings, rioting, screaming death to the foe and it became an international incident...
its seems the ludicrous religion that is islam bans any pictures of mr mohammed the paedofile and they think that everybody on the planet must follow their moronic, backwards and risible rules...
dear islamic arseholes.. fuck right off...

the erection in godlbessamerica inc.

well its all over the news
there was an election in godblessamerica inc.
i was pretty happy with the outcome
but more struck by the fact that i really shouldnt have to give a shit
i mean...
do we care who gets up in the chilean election?
the bermudan election?
the malian election?
the turkmenistan election?
the fucking etc etc election?
but we have had to put up with campaigning for maybe 18 months from godlbessamerica inc.
when old/young/black/green/guy/lady/horses arse mispronounced something
on the other side of the world we had to fucking know all about it
and the worst part of all.. is that it matters
whoever gets elected in godblessamerica inc. affect bloody all of us
and that bites arse!
so it came down to old cranky war veteran guy from right wing reactionist party
versus not really black big talky talky bloke from confused ex left wing party
with their backups
fucking ridiculous horrific redneck awful woman
and some old white bloke
so, it was clear that the choice of awful woman was a gamble
it shows how bloody desperate the fuckers were
if THAT had power, any fucking power
fuck off you contemptuous cunts
they had debates
they wandered around their beloved country
they banged on in absolute bullshit language
and were applauded by loads of mindless ra ra ra people
providing the kind of cheese that only godblessamerica inc. can
the racist scumbags hated mr sort of black
despite the fact that he was half white
some black people didnt like him coz he wasnt black enough
the rightwing arseholes did the usual dog whistle stuff
encouraging racial, religious bigotry that the godblessamericans inc. public love
but it didnt work
the old cranky and dodgy fucker got done in
and the horrid awful fucking redneck bint did too
and now we can all go back to living again
without being bombarded every fucking day with another 'news' story
about their fucking election
but of course we now get the 'gotta get a whitehouse pet' story
the families 'behind' the bunghole candidates
and countries all over the world scrambling to claim how special their relationship with godblessamerica inc. is
kenyans are all hoping he will look their way coz his dad was from there
indonesians are hoping he will look this way coz he went to school there
and everybody else looks on trying to look important
at least that bush fucker has gone
and with him those neo con pricks
arrogant and deceiptful
lying and stealing and warring and all that jazz
and the person in power will have half a brain at least
and perhaps give a damn about people who arent white and rich
and not believe that god told them to do everything
of course he will be hamstrung by all the businesses and lobbyists
all the donors and all the chrisitian and jewish groups
all looking out for themselves....
who knows he might just have substance
good fucking luck to him i say

what really gets my goat...

a fence with fairy floss pasted liberally on it...
a bear trap in a photo studio...
a glowing lassoo held by wonderwoman looking rather serious in her smalls...

these are a few of my favourite things (that get my goat)... la la la

Portfolio eye view of the world - S part 3

S

Sierra Leone
It seems there are only 4,455,105 countries in Western Africa and Sierra Leone is but one of them. But! It does have possibly the coolest name of them all, roughly translated by me it means Lion Mountain Range, if that is true, it's a kick arse name for a country! If it isn't, well, i filled in some space and perhaps partially hid my complete ignorance (d'oh). I shall pad it out a little more with a few generalisations; dark skinned people, french speaking and not particularly wealthy and horrible civil wars... If they are francophones, why the hell does it have a thththpanish name?
travel advice-discover if there really is a lion mountain range, get a photo and send it right here.

Singapore
I am a bit suspicious of singapore. Why did that teency little bit of the malay peninsula get to be a different country and particularly rich? Most likely the british did, they usually do... Anyway,thats where it is, a small island i think it is huge financial hub of asia, full of han chinese and pissed expat anglos and other gringos. It may well be very nice, but I don't find it that appealing, in fact it sounds positively BORING! all that anal retentive stuff about being chucked in jail for spitting chewing gum etc sounds crap to me. The brits promised it would be a bulward against the onrushing japanese with lots of big guns pointing out into the water in ww2, but the japanese cunningly avoided them and came overland, which apparently the brits handnt thought of, and they had that huge empire!!??
travel advice-go when the cars go vrrom vrroom blip blip at night, thatd be pretty cool

Slovakia
Ever heard of Czechoslovakia? well this is the bit that isnt called Czech. They stopped hanging out a decade or so ago in a quite amicable split. Which was nice. Slovakia is just south of the tatra mountains in poland and north of hungary and rather close to ukraine. I wombled around Kosice and it had a very pretty waitress who went off to be a babysitter in godlbessamerica, some gold in a box, a pretty fountain and that was about it. Interestingly it seems if you sit in restaurants and bars long enough, good looking women in rather snug clothing come and give you free cigarettes... On an ill fated trip i tried to get to see some of castle only to miss the bus and was hassled by 2 dodgy gypsy fuckers for kms as i tried to get back to the station.
travel advice-if you go to kosice, book your accom in advance, as no bastard spoke english almost anywhere, especially not in the student accom for doctors where i tried to stay... phew

Slovenia
Slovenia is only little and is the meeting point between western europe and slavlandia. This has caused an awful lot of grief over the years with racists going bonkers. It borders italy, near Trieste and was a part of Yugoslavia until blah blah blah. In ww2 there was some big carnage and fighting about where the border would be with italy and there are plenty of big holes in the ground where facists and communists and partisans killed each other and turfed the bodies in, called Foibe. (And Erik said that book about Foibe was useless!). There are plenty of mountains and it is all very pretty, apparently.
travel advice-throw your hands in the air like you just dont care

Solomon Islands
The Solomon Islands sounds like a good place visit, just off papua NEW guinea and all. Pacific Islands, not spoilt by an abundance of bunghole tourists (who would rather go to bali and inebriate, vomit, explode etc), luffly beaches and an interesting culture. Unfortunately there are these ongoing biffo shows about secession or bean derivative prices which means there is shooting, killing and a jolly bad show. Then again, there are quite a few of them so surely some would be alright... the capital is honiara and i have no idea how i know that.
travel advice-try not to get shot, it will bring bad karma on your sunny, smiley beach holiday

a daftness cup

so today is the big day in melbourne
you know the one
not that other big day
or the one involving revolving lavatories
or some other horse shit desperate cry for attention big day
no
its the day of the melbourne cup
the race that apparently stops a nation
the birds seem to be still twittering away
the bungholes still seem to be poncing up and down brunswick street
desperately and silently screaming 'look at me!'
the planes havent been grounded
and the grapes keep growing on the vines
so it doesnt bloody stop a nation
unless its a different nation that i havent yet heard of
maybe it stops one of those small nations of 7 people in the brazilan amazon rainforest
one of the ones with no electricity and no contact with the outside world
perhaps instead of worshipping grubbs called trevorinho
they drop everything , lunch included
and rush off to their satellite telly which they dont have
and bet on which horse wins
who knows? maybe it forms a great religious ritual
if the horse with the midget wearing pinks stripes wins
it will be a good season for jaguar dancing
or if the horse with the midget wearing brown and yellow boxes wins
the gods of the flooding will drown them all..
etc etc
i heard some buttknocker claiming that it might be the most famous race in the world
i assume his world consists of australia and the bit of bali where moronic australians go to get pissed and then blown up
that seems to be the usual world perspective for australian media types
i have occasionally mentioned this event os.
and people just dont know what you are talking about unless they sad horse snoggers
some argentian horse trainer in a pub in shiplake had
but thas a pretty large stretch
how about the triple crown in the us?
how about the grand national wotsit in engerland?
how about that one in paris?
or a gazillion others around the world with more money?
australia's wish to be noticed is sometimes just plain painful...
pthhhthththt
something along the lines of a third of all foals bred for racing are put down each year
because they arent going to make it...
if a horse 'breaks down' (what is it a fucking car?) during a race
it gets killed on the spot
but if it wins its owners and trainers millions of dollars
it might get a bit more hay
what the fuck is going on with that?
inhumane bullshit is what that is...
and its all done to make money for crimainal scumbags and give suburban bogan wankers a chance to put on their expensive silly hat or a rented dinner suit
gawk at each other in a competition of 'who looks like the biggest fucking idiot'
get pissed out of their brains and then fall over and vomit
along with the truly pretentious twats
looking down their big noses at all
and the wanna be famous who hope desperately to get their surgically altered mugs on telly
and theres all that fashion tripe
that the lepers with a bakers dozen brain cells lap up from their telly sets
as if it actually means something
phththththth
thank fuck theres a day off in it...
pthththththth

eddie izzard- cake or death

cake is for nancys; reagan, travis, sinatra, all the big girls' blouses...

Forza Abertawe!

Lost in translation: road sign carries email reply

• Stolen from The Guardian, Saturday November 1 2008

"A council put up a Welsh language road sign reading "I am out of the office at the moment" when it should have said "No entry for heavy goods vehicles".

Swansea council contacted its in-house translation service when designing the bilingual sign. The seeds of confusion were sown when officials received an automated email response in Welsh from an absent translator, saying: "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated."

Unaware of its real meaning, officials had it printed on the sign. The council took down the sign after Welsh speakers spotted the mistake."

*************************************************************************************
THAT'S MY SWANSEA...

Portoflio eye view of the world- S Part 2

S
Saudi Arabia
Oh dear, is there anything good to say about saudi arabia? The home of fucking ridiculous islam, and the enforcers of the wahabi fanatical version of it (and the money to finance attrocious terrorism, which is then exported worldwide, causing mayhem and misery wherever it treads.... Women dont have rights in Saudi, only old backwards men dressed up like the most awful vision of cross dressers. It is home to mecca and medina, the 2 most holy sights in islam, where millions of people flock annually to the places where mohammed raped a camel and where he fellated a bucket of beetle dung. Unfortunately, they have lots of oil so the rest of the world has to kiss their arse and not tell them to fuck right off, which would be a good idea. Neanderthal morons.
travel advice-travel somewhere else, really, rather and very far away.

Scotland
I think its a country so bog off. Scotland is the neck and head of britain, and not coincidentally the bit with the shittest weather. Having to live on the same isle as the english has been a real bummer for the scots, big style. The scots almost had their own empire when they set up a colony in what is now panama, but it all went horribly wrong. There is magnificent scenery in scotland, lochs and hoots and wotnot and lots of people that are apparently speaking english, but it certainly doesnt seem like it. Famous scottish people include tony blair and gordon brown! har har! and thomas babington macaulay and rod stewart! Due to being stuck with the aforementioned has meant that there are huge scots populations in north america and australia and everybody has to get drunk with murray.
travel advice-its not as bad as trainspotting lets on, but walking around thurso in your shorts in november will get you strange looks.

Senegal
West africa again here and they have some nifty football players which i suspect are called the rampant elephant thwackers or something of the like. They put france out of the world cup a couple of wotsits back and that was fab, coz half the french players were flogged from senegal and other west african states. So, they speak french then, I guess somebody has to do it.
travel advice-check the current political sitch before you go there, during bad periods there is a ban on legs there.

Serbia
Serbia got painted as the bad guys during the ex yugoslavia war, and they bloody well deserved it coz their army carried out some very nasty bits of work, but they certainly werent the only ones. Milosovic is dead and karadzic is in gaol and these days they have stopped being matey with russia which is good thing. Conspiracy theory and timothy leary claim that yugoslavia was dissected by the americans coz they didnt want any mid sized powers. Boh. Anyway, my strange boss in cirencester who banged on about wanking in a sock and never took his cap off claimed to have lived in belgrade and everybody was great.
travel advice-dont mention the war, or eddie the eagle (he's a twat)

Seychelles
She sells seychelles by the sea shore. But she is a bit pricey so she can bog off, you can get them for free on the sea shore yourself, come on, put your back into it! The seychelles are a group of islands in the indian ocean, not terribly far from africa but not terribly far from asia, terribly far the palenque though. Lots of people go there for bleach holidays, so im guessing they have plenty of bleach, in fact its probably magnificent.
travel advice-go there, right now, but clean your boots with toothpase first to get that winning boot smile.

it's seafood tuckerbag but with FRESH PAINT!

http://www.realestate.com.au/cgi-bin/rsearch?a=o&id=105238072&cc=AUSTRALIA&c=32326037&p=10&s=vic&snf=rbs&t=res&tm=1225328211

and its only 40 kilometres from civilization!