happy 90th birthday mandiba

mandiba's cell on robben island... it sure made me think.

from prisoner
to president...



it was nelson mandela's 90th birthday a couple of days back.
a truly amazing man who is one of the greastest people of the the last century.
he lead the independence movement in south africa, fighting against the evil racist apartheid state and suffering decades of imprisonment for his honourable aims. In stark contrast to arseface mugabi, another independence leader in southern africa who let power go to his head and become an oppressor, no better than those overthrown, mandela showed forgiveness and graciousness to those his tormentors. A hero to millions of his fellow south africans hundreds of millions more other africans and a figure of much respect the planet over. If only other political figures the world over had a shred of his credibility.
An imperfect man who personifies dignity... viva mandiba!

Portfolio eye view of the world G Part 2

G
Greece
Im talking about Greece, not grease, that formaggioso musical that ruined millions of childhoods the world over with stupid chin and that-bird-that-wasnt-australian-but-we-claimed-her-anyway-because-somebody
-might-just-one-day-give-a-shit. The cradle of western civilization, that gave us democracy, philosophy, the olympics and souvlaki. Man, they have seen it all in greece, which maybe explains why the men behave like they went back to the stone age. A lot of greeks got sick of it, so they came to invent melbourne in australia and sell fish and chips and fruit and vegetables. Emma is sort of greek and she's way cool and the aegean islands are divine. Athens has fab ancient greek acropolis etc but they lost their marbles (elgin). I first met emma in athens and then bumped into her again on a boat to santorini. They say every greek has a cousin in melbourne, its true, i tested it.
Greece is cool. famous greeks include, alessandro magno, aristotle, phyrrus and arther lucas
travel advice-dont tell the locals that macedonia is a country just north

Grenada
Oh yeah, grenada, its an island in the caribbean. oh yeah.
travel advice-beach baby, beach baby, there in the sand with the sun and the surf and the carefree

Guatemala
Hold on baby, im a coming! Guatemala is right there. Its the first thing you come across if you get drunk in southern mexico and stagger southwards. It is home to the legendary Tikal, the largest remains of the Maya culture in central america, with pyramids so kick arse that they were even used in star wars. Large ththththth alerts all round.
travel advice-dont you fucking dare go there before i do, I am so sick of other bastards stealing my holidays!

Guinea
Its in africa, its in western africa and i dont know anything else about it and as i have sworn off even the slightest research, its swim in pig ignorance time. Perhaps it took its name from the old british money, the ducat.
travel advice-expect a runny bottom if you go swimming in the sewers in guinea.

Guinea-Bissau
is a bit like guinea really, it just has a bissau tacked on to the end of it. Any ideas what a bissau is? Maybe its like 'heights', so it is actually means ducat heights. i wonder what the view is like from there?
travel advice-conjecture, anybody?

Guyana
At least i know where it is, in fact I have been rather near to guyana. so vaffanculo to you... On the north eastern coast of south america is where it is. The good news is that they dont speak thththth or even djdjdjdjdjj like the rest of the continent, as it was a dutch colony until the brits won it from them in a game of soggy land mass. Venezuelans still claim it as their other err leg, coz it sort of was supposed to be spanish or some horseshit. Maps of venezula all have it on it with pretty lines across it.
travel advice-david attenborough has a lot of vowels in his name, he also has fascinating things to say about guyana (unlike me)

Better living through television...

Sing along now.. i will do the tschchchch tschchchch bits...

Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy, Television the Drug of a Nation

One Nation under God
has turned into
One Nation under the influence
of one drug

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V., I.T. satellite links
our United States of unconciousness
Apathetic therapeutic and extremely addictive
the methadone metronome pumping out
150 channels 24 hours a day
you can flip through all of them
and still there's nothing worth watching

T.V. is the reason why less than ten percent of our
Nation reads books daily
Why most people think Central America
means Kansas
Socialism means unamerican
and Apartheid is a new headache remedy

absorbed in it's world it's so hard to find us
It shapes our minds the most
maybe the mother of our Nation
should remind us
that we're sitting to close to. . .

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V. is
the stomping ground for political candidates
Where bears in the woods
are chased by Grecian Formula'd
bald eagles

T.V. is mechanized politic's
remote control over the masses
co-sponsered by environmentally safe gases
watch for the PBS special

It's the perpetuation of the two party system
where image takes precedence over wisdom
Where sound bite politics are served to
the fastfood culture

Where straight teeth in your mouth
are more important than the words
that come out of it
Race baiting is the way to get selected
Willie Horton or
Will he not get elected on . . .

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

T.V. is it the reflector or the director?
Does it imitate us or do we imitate it
Because a child watches 1500 murders before he's
twelve years old and we wonder how we've created
a Jason generation that learns to laugh
rather than abhor the horror

T.V. is the place where
armchair generals and quarterbacks can
experience first hand
the excitement of video warfare
as the theme song is sung in the background

Sugar sweet sitcoms
that leave us with a bad actor taste while
pop stars metamorphosize into soda pop stars
You saw the video
You heard the soundtrack
Well now go buy the soft drink
Well, the only cola that I support
would be a union C.O.L.A. (Cost of Living Allownace)
On Television.

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

Back again, "New and Improved",
we return to our irregularly programmed schedule
hidden cleverly between heavy breasted
beer and car commericals

CNN ESPN ABC TNT but mostly B.S.
Where oxymoronic language like
"virtually spotless" "fresh frozen"
"light yet filling" and "military intelligence"
have become standard

T.V. is the place where phrases are redefined
like "recession" to "necessary downturn"
"crude oil" on a beach to "mousse"
"Civilian death" to "collateral damages"
and being killed by your own Army
is now called "friendly fire"

T.V. is the place where the pursuit
of happiness has become the pursuit of trivia
Where toothpaste and cars have become sex objects
Where imagination is sucked out of children
by a cathode ray nipple
T.V. is the only wet nurse
that would create a cripple

Television, the drug of the Nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation
On Television . . .

Portfolio eye view of the world-G Part 1

G
Gabon
It is a western african country, like a lot of countries in western africa.
travel advice-a rolling gabonese gathers plenty of dust

Gambia
here we go again. Its in africa and thats about all I can say. At least it sounds like zambia where i have set foot. barrel scraping ahoy.
travel advice-seek medical attention if eaten by a lion.

Georgia
Not the bloody glodblessamerican state full of racists. Its in very eastern europe and until recently was mugged and occupied by the russians and fellow travellers. The capital is Tblisi and Lord Ned Zelic played there last season and was no doubt bloody briliant, if you ask him.
travel advice-the russians dont like countries not wanting to be their whipping boys, so go celebrate it in georgia

Germany
Plenty to go around here... The heart of central europe and the most powerful country in europe. The locals managed to todger the romans when they came a-conquering a couple of thousand years ago and that had long term effects, some of them pretty nasty. They exported the lombards to italy and the angles and the saxons to england and probably a lot more. Unfortunately under the auspices of greater prussia they got their crank on and after napoleaon bogged off, they ruined the entire 20th century. Being the bad guys in two world wars and causing immesurable damage to the continent. Of course the big one was hitlers effort which is beyond the comprehension of most people. The holocaust and endless massacres as they rampaged across the place with frightening teutonic righteousness and without mercy. The most disturbing thing is that before all those shennanigans germany was the home of philosophy and the arts and then they bloody did this. These days germany is most famous for cars, efficiency and bad fashion sense.
travel advice-go see the topography of terror in berlin, it will blow your mind

Ghana
Roselandia. Next door to nasty nigeria and seemingly a great place to visit. Rose is from ghana and she is the coolest surveyor ive met, she also knows all about fish heads, even the song. Catherine went there when she was little and took a photo of a disabled boy who fell in the toilet and couldnt get out. hmmmm. Football team is called the black stars and they arent at all shabby.
travel advice-ask rose, she might know something

alla prossima papa

beh, padre mio e' andato in inghilterra di nuovo
e' andato per non so, forse quattro o sei mesi
infatti e' la ottava volta che lo fa
la prima volta fu millenovecentonovantasette
quando ero in francia
e venuto a trovarmi li' nella bellissima campagna della dordogne
ha fatto molto bene secondo me
ha volato fino a bordeaux e poi a noleggatio una macchina
e ha guidato sulla parte sbagliata della strada fino a vertaillac
o come cazzo si chiama quel paese
c'era anche per la fete de epeluche
una grande bella serata
c'eravamo tutti li alla fete
a mangiare, bere e sparare cazzate
cerano anche i dodgems, i fuochi artificiale
e catherine, laurence e gli altri
poi un altra volta e' venuto a trovarmi a genova
quando abitavo nel centro storico
ha visitato qualche palazzo storico
palazzo quello e palazzo reale
e anche un altra volta quando ero a salisbury
e venuto con anna e nicholas e abbiamo mangiato il cibo tradizionale inglese
il curry
poi siamo andati al vecchio sarum
i rovini di un vecchio e storico castello e cattedrale li' cima di un fortezza del eta di ferro
un posto molto suggestivo
c'e stato anche la volta quando sono venuto a droydon e sono stato da lui
puodarsi fu lo stesso anno
anche un altr'anno quando voleva venire a trovarmi a salisbury
con i fratellini
pero stavo proprio male
belin
c'era anche l'occasione quando stavo da beavis e poppy a islington
siamo andati ad un pub tipo irlandese per pranzo
boh
non immagivo che fossero cosi' tanti incontri di la'
dell'altra parte del mondo
bravo papa
hai fatto bene

bastille day

they broke into a gaol, not a goal and it was important...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastille_Day
eleven years ago i had a smashing dinner and saw a very big flag...
liberte,egalite, fraternite and loads of good munch



it was fab...

fuck off pope!

I was going to write a blog about how shit the catholic church is and what a fucking disgrace this whole 'world youth day' is ... but then i saw this on steve kilbeys blog:
http://stevekilbey.blogspot.com/
he said it extremely eloquently and lets face it, im a lazy fucker....
he said

'but as for world youth day
bah humbug and piss off
as far as the pope..
now lets see
hes the incredibly wealthy nominal head
of a large secretive organization
who have over the years killed and tortured millions of people
thats right
from the people who brought you the witch trials
and the inquisition
and all kinds of wars and strife
ladies n gentleman
some olde geezer dressed up in a silly white costume
complete with the most awful hat you ever seen
(even i wouldnt look good in that)
some silly olde pontiff
thats clawed and bribed and threatened his way
to the top of a heap of child molesters and powerdrunk wankers
proclaiming himself infallible..(oh ha ha ha ha ha)
cranking out some dismal misinterpretation
of a book of dubious fables
his own organization helped to obfuscate at nicea ages ago
(put this in...take this out...get rid of this bit)
yep then they made themselves rich n powerful
playing on the suspicions n fears of us plebeians
all the while buggering little boys and poisoning each other
and selling dispensations
(eg baron boffly has murdered another man, cardinal..
yes...well that'll cost him 2000 silver marks if he wants to get to heaven)
they repressed science
they repressed women
they meddled in politics
they were a useless pack of self serving fuckers
that ballsed up christs message of love
and were totally unable to live it
the pope.....in sydney....for youth...oh hardy ha ha
what has this crusty old bishop got for youth this time
make em feel guilty?
promise em some pie in the sky bullshit if they believe in yer nonsense ?
go on popey..tell em about all the wise- women in germany
your lot roasted alive cos they didnt conform to your superstitious jive
yes pope yer still the same olde crowd
with yer fucking opus dei and your big money deals
and attempts to get bigtime catholics in power like the old days
but oh dear
attendance is dropping off in the church
all churches (including mine, wise guy)
gee mr pope
what pathetic hogwash will you pull out to save your churchs career
cos quite frankly
they been saying its the end of the whole pope malarkey soon
and good riddance to a stupid idea
you aint the right hand man of god
youre just a silly old sod in a costume
and someones written a speech for ya
and theyve closed down half the roads in syddley
and my mum cant come down
so some outdated olde ponce can recruit some more youf
and quite frankly mr pope you can sod off to hell
or purgatory
or wherever
dont come back 'ere!"
..............................................................................................................................................................
I wish to add the following,
fuck off pope, fuck off catholic church, fuck off other christian churches, fuck off islam, fuck off judaism, fuck off hinduism, fuck off mormons, fuck of scientologists, fuck off any religion that thrives on fear, manipulation, conning and leeching other poople for money and power through phony messages from above who are entirely self serving leeches. fuck off anybody who thinks they can tell other people what to think or say, fuck off john howard, fuck off conservatives the world over... JUST FUCK OFF!!!
love
LB

Portfolio eye view of the world F

F
Fiji
An island nation in the south pacific part of some nesia or other. Although it isnt really that pacific of late. The main problem is that half of the population are ethnic indians, and the indigenous folks dont dig that. Therefore there have been coups and all kinds of shennanigans. There are beaches and cocounuts and all that jazz or jatz depending on your leanings. Some golf machine playing bloke is from there and he has legs.
travel advice-pretend to be an australian diplomat and see how long it takes to be get kicked out of the country


Finland
Is not part of scandinavia, at least that what Marten says. He also says that the finns are boring and alcoholics. They certainly resemble their baltic neighbours, latvians estonians or even russians much more. Finland is famous for saunas and lakes but mostly for having in obscene amount of fast driving taciturn blokes. Rosberg, Hakkinen, Raikkonen, Makkinen, Grondberg and plakkinen, schmackinnen and crackkkkinen. For a country of only a few million they sure are very zippy.
Travel advice-do they sauna-ice cold lake-sauna repeat and see if you have any reproductive organs left.

France
Ooooh goody and im not even english. France great, france is super and france is the best! It has the best food, the best wine, the best beaches, the best mountains, the best music, the best kulcha, the best chicks, the best blokes, the best dogs, the best language, the best academie francais, the best eiffel tower and the best semniforousnadbuttnoitglobule. At least thats what the french will tell you, over and over again. Once I was on a tgv and saying to my friend that the shinkansen in japan were faster and more comfortable then said tgv (fact), and some outraged french twat leaned over from the seat om front to tell me off.... sigh. Laurence was very nice though and made great spliff. I do like the sunflowers and drunk catherine and so what if i passed out on the road and nearly got run over by laurence's brother?
travel advice-get a great big 'Le france est merde' t shirt and and walk about paris.

what about bloody? I havent said that yet

Portfolio eye view of the world E

E
East Timor
You can call it the republic of timor-leste if you like, they do. But they also say lots of djjjjjjj and have to deal with the indonesian army trying to fuck with them all the time. A strange anomaly of a country because it is sort of half the island of timor but it was a portugese colony as opposed to all the surrounds which were dutch. Which lead to the happy situation of indonesia being arschlockes and invading, killing everybody. The europeans sure are good at arbitrarily making up boundaries when they are drunk arent they? Eventually there was a referendum and the indonesians killed lots more people before they fucked off. Now a free nation, australia stepped in and screwed them over oil and lots of people wrote songs about it.
travel advice-go to the beach and throw rocks into the water

Ecuador
Boo Hiss. Smallish country on the pacific coast of south america. Specialises in trashing the galapagos islands and sending morons to italy. Said morons wear basketball caps on sideways, hang out in bunches and are the most ignorant fuckers i have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Catherine went there and said it was a fab place, maybe they only send the twats to italy, or maybe catherine was on drugs... big thththththhtth alert
travel advice-if you go to ecuador and meet anybody who has relatives in italy, kidnap them and threaten to slit their throats until their fuckwit relatives come home.

Egypt
those were the days, all of about three thousand years ago when egypt was the leading culture on the planet. they built amayyyzing pyramids and sphingi and palaces and kick arse tombs and cities and lighthouses which baffled the world for millenia. Everything was really smashing for a few thousand years, then the greeks took over and it was still pretty cool. Sadly, the world turns and the civilization faded. Then about fifteen hundred years ago, the arabs rocked up and made everybody become muslims and it has been going backwards ever since. These days its an enormous tourist scam, suckers from all over show up, get pissed and salmonella on a boat then get pissed and sunburnt at the red sea, whilst all the locals actively try to suck every last drop from them, pitiful. Famous former residents; tutankhamun, ramses the not-too-shabby, cleopatra.
travel advice-when the gazillionth person tries to screw you over or ask for baksheesh, tell them to rearrange these words-'go yourself fuck'

El Salvador
Central america again, an ickle pickle one. thththhthh warning again. Capital is San Salvador. The usual stuff about central american countries; got screwed by the USA, lots of poverty, lots of corruption and I wanna go there. Name translates as 'The Saviour', I'm not sure who this is referring to, perhaps it's the green lantern, still its a funny name for a country, they should have cut to the chase and called it La Lanterna Verda.
travel advice-ask a local how they really feel about the green lantern

England
Look, I know it's only sort of a country and theres all that united kingdom, great britain rubbish going down, but it just had to be. Tiny littly country off the north west of mainland europe who have never gotten over it. Ran a large part of the world and have never gotten over it. Very wet country and people drive comedy small cars. The food is terrible and english are the worst athletes on the planet. There are some lovely, interesting people there, you know which 4 you are. Home to a load of ye olde things, stone circles, castles, and railway sytems. englishpersons of not include; bill shakespeare, mr bean, sid vicious and my grandma.
travel advice-smoke cigarettes, drink beer, eat chocolate and buy books because thats all you will be able to afford to do.

Equatorial Guinea
Is not to be confused with Non -equatorial guinea, that causes all kinds of embarassment. Believed to be near the equator and in western africa, on the coast and small and poorish. Some bloke was on telly from there the other day.
travel advice-dont try to traffic illegal drugs into the country in your genitals, its just not big or clever.

Eritrea
On the northern coast of africa, just a few clicks up the red sea from cape horn. Until recently it was a part of ethiopia but they got the cranks in the 1980's and had a bit of a war of independence. Might have been part of the short lived italian empire of abyssinia. Erik says that the most beautiful women in the world come from these parts because they have dark skin of africans but the fine features of europeans, but erik says a lot of spectacular bullshit.
travel advice-launch a rocket over the red sea and try to blow up saudi arabia

Estonia
One of the three small baltic states that recently escaped their big nasty, grabby neighbour russia. Since that they have joined the EU and become good places for the english to go get drunk cheaply. The capital might well be Talinn, which is a very cool name. Buggered if i know any more, sorry about that.
travel advice-pack your big woofly jacket, it's cold in them thar baltic places

Ethiopia
Funny that, we were just talking about you. Abyssinia, eritrea and all that jazz. It got very famous for all the wrong reason in the 1980's when horrific starvation roamed the land and killed hundreds of thousands. It also spawned a whole series of tasteless jokes in primary schools the world over. The only african country to never truly be colonised and was lead by Gabri halisalessie or something who is viewed as the man by rastas. Also allegedly home to that cup of god or whatever the christians are constantly on about and encouraging massacres for. Protected by some bloke and a ratty old curtain, and thats the truth dammit
travel advice-what the fuck do you think this is? a travel guide? go make in an arse

the mordialloc rd triplicator

went for a passenger down the new mordialloc road triplicator the other day
its alright i suppose
hardly worth the enthusiasm and rah rah rah
that comes from some quarters
its a fucking road people!
it goes that way
it goes this way
it has a tunnel
at least they made an effort to give it a bit of character
with the modern art constructions along the way
there is some sort of assembly of giant green and blue no name smarties
there is a giant conglomeration of old shopping trolleys that looks a bit like a rocket that fell over
there is a big black birdish thang that appears to be munching on a big yellow cheeseish thing
do birds eat cheese?
and last but perhaps least is the hotel
the hotel is a fake hotel
like a little 6 story building plonked by the roadside
all gleaming and white with windows and all
looking marvellously out of context
next to a big road surrounded by countryside
in case you didnt know what it is
it says 'hotel' in big red writing on the front
and there was silly old me thinking it was a flamingo's intestine...
anyway, long live the bit of road
long live the encouragement if gives us to drive more
to use more petrol
to pay more toll charges
to fuck the planet just a little more
wanna see some road this IS impressive?
take a leaf out of the impressive tome called 'context'
go check out what the danes did...
the great belt and the oresund bridge tunnel business
now THESE are impressive...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Belt_Bridge
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%98resund_Bridge

this great idea for a blog i had

it was superb
i was lying in bed just about to drift off to sleep when i had this marvellous idea for a blog
it would be enteraining, urbane, witty and all around good fun nobody and their pet wart
i chuckled to myself with pleasure at this stroke of genius
then i drifted off to doze briefly
shortly aftwards i awoke and rushed out to the computer
i was going to put this baby down
but the idea wasnt there
not an inkling
it had left
never to come back
che palle
so you get this shite instead

Portfolio eye view of the world D

D
Denmark
Don't we all just love denmark? An amazing country full of beautiful people, and I mean, really, really beautiful. Even their queen is gorgeous (take a look liz 2). The capital copenhagen or kobenhaven or some such is delightful on the eye and home (still?) to kristiana, which is a large chunk of parkland near the city centre full of hippies and marijuana stands and a bar! Also home to the gnarliest piece of engineering where they linked up the various peninsulae and islands with amazing tunnels, bridges and false islands. Aeroskobing was a blast, providing superb ice cream, sandy beaches and a peter koppes solo field. Have you been swimming in Denmark? hey? well fucking have you? Also my great grandmother was danish so bog off. VIKING POWER!
travel advice-dont ask the information desk staff at copenhagen station if they speak english, you will feel very silly shortly afterwards.

Djibouti
It's in africa. dix points. Sitting on the very top, on the red sea facing saudi arabia.. lucky them. Aside from these enormously notable facts the portfolio is empty. most famous djibutian- DJ ibouti.
travel advice- go sail a boat up the red sea and if you dont get done by pirates, well bully for you.

Dominica
Here we bloody go again, couldnt it be called dominicongo? Dominica is probably in the Caribbean or caRIBBean if you are daft. It's also probably an island. Additionally it is not the dominican republic. which is rather underwhelming.
travel advice-i dont know, you bloody tell me!

Dominican Republic
As opposed to Dominica, this is a republic and has an alternate official name of santo domingo (saint dominic). It is definitely in the caRIBBean and an island. Well, it is half an island, the other half is (unfortunately for it) Haiti. This island was the first place Cristoforo Colombo (or christo doveman to his mates) laid eyes up on in the ahem 'new world'. It is now a giant tourist resort for europeans to come and get drunk and brown in during their winter, some well meaning person in essex said it was lovely and recommended it to me.
travel advice-suggest they change their name to something less embarassingly christian, say, fnar fnar landia

Euro 2008 update 3

They think it's all over... It is now and has been for the last few days really.
The semi finals done and dusted
germany did turkey, just
and spain did russia, comprehensively
or something
leading to the fascinating final of spain - who have played magnificent attacking football (except when italy showed up) BUT always shit their keks at major tournaments and go home hitting each other with their designer handbags, playing germany-who arent really very good BUT are brilliant at doing enough at the right time to get big results..
quite incredibly, the final didnt suck at all, as most major finals do... spain outplayed germany and won an interesting match 1-0
all the ththhthththththtth folk went bonkers and all the catalans forgot how very special they were and not spanish at all, the galicians and the basques did likewise and everybody was mysteriously ethththththpaanish..
they thoroughtly deserved it and they won by playing cool creative football not like ITALY (always) or GREECE champions last time who sought to bore their opponents to death and the get a goal over the corpse of the goal keeper and then still defend 8-1-1 for the rest of the match, despite the fact that their opponents are all lying dead on the ground.
Yay for football... and thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Highlight of the final-the interview with NED ZELIC before the game
Player of the final-NED ZELIC
Referee of the tournament - NED ZELIC
Golden Boot - NED ZELIC
Goal of the tournament- NED ZELIC versus that horse that pulled the buggy
Player of the tournament-NED ZELIC for being so great all the time
Combined team of the tournament -
'keeper - NED ZELIC
defenders - NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC
midfielders - NED AELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC
forwards - NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC
subs-NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC, NED ZELIC.....
coach - NED ZELIC

you don't have to go home, but you cant stay here, its a website

Who is YOUR favourite ned zelic?

Mature Exxxperienced Captain Ned, he knows all the moves on your set pieces... and has no qualms about warming your bench...

Fresh and Innocent Barely Legal Ned, straight from school to olyroos camp where he is waiting for your training session ...

Ned Grohl-Zelic-the saucy Ned that is guaranteed to rock the foundations of your defences, and give your back (4) a hard time...

Click on this link to find out who is NED'S favourite Ned
He knows you want it...
http://stopwastingmyoxygen.com/zelic/index2.html

Portfolio eye view of the world C Part 2

Comoros
Hmm some islands somewhere near africa? More than one, because there is and 's'. I'm plumping for the indian ocean. You could do worse than go there and dip your toe in the water and send me a postcard.
Travel advice-Vote for boat!

Congo
Things get tricky here, as Congo can easily be mixed up with the democratic republic of congo... A process of deduction would suggest that Congo should be renamed Non Overtly Undemocratic Monarchic thigh boot banana skin empanada of Congo. That'd make my life a bit simpler. Selfish gits.
Travel advice-get your congo's straight

Democratic Republic of Congo
If it ain't brown, take it down. Something to do wiith Patrice Lumumba and the belgians being prats. Peter Garrett told me so before he sold out and became the worlds tallest and baldest politician. This could apply to the above empanadalandia but as research is an anathema to a portfolio we shall never know. Apologies if this is so.
travel advice-theres a big difference between a conga line and a congo line.

Costa Rica
Happily translated as rich coast it all sounds pretty promising. Much better than Coste de mierda por ejemplo. Right in the skinniest of skinny bits in central america, nearby panama city hotel... Reports coming in fresh off the beep beep dot dash machine claim its really great and chilled out. Jungles, beaches and relaxed latino people, not pasta and maybe even il giaguaro da da da dah... Not to be confused with Puerto Rico, despite all the symmetry in richness.
travel advice-hang in there rich coast i'm a coming

Cote d'Ivoire/Ivory Coast
Didier Drogba, Didier Drogba!!! Western african country along the coast. They just had to have their name in french coz it sounds so 'chic' dont it?! If Drogba is a reasonable example its a nation full of people who are really great at kicking things and even better at falling over for no particular reason. It must be hell trying to walk about in ole ivory coast town with people dropping like flies all over the place and the road toll would be horrific. The name of the country is taken from the bad old colonial days when they used to grow ivory vines for delicious snack treats called Ivur Bigguns.
travel advice-learn how to say 'stand up you twat' in french

Croatia
It sure is. On the other side of the adriatic from italy. With a whacky flag obviously copied from the table cloths of italian restaurants all over the world, altough you cant make out a cheesy basket cosa of chianti. Perhaps known as illyria in roman times and a great big war zone in the 1990s. There are loads of beautiful islands and the famous city of split with red rooves. Home to an unreasonable amount of talented footballers for such a small country, but many are pinched form some great continent/cuntry in the south. Catherine went there with cym for a holiday and so did i, in an alternate reality.
travel advice-alternative realities often turn out to be better than the crap you are junked with, so take more drugs.

Cuba
Viva el presidente! or something like that. A former spanish colony and the biggest island in the carribean. Became kind of famous in the 1960s when El Che, fidel castro and bunch of other beards invaded it and made it into a communist state just to piss off godblessamerica. Thereafter followed the bay of pigs invasion, the cuban missile crisis and a whole lot of communist propoganda bullshit. As homer simpson pointed out in theory communism works and its has basically gone down the toilet since then. It is now a destination for european package holidays and to give hugo chavez somewhere to bang on about. Big ththththt alert.
travel advice-go to guantamo bay and moon the yanks.

Cyprus
its in two bits, the larger LEGITIMATE, INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED bit is run the greek cypriots, the smaller ILLEGITIMATE, NOT INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED bit is run by turkey. The ridiculous state of affairs occurred when their was a bit of a hit of state and the turks invaded. very fucking clever. It should be pointed out that cyprus also has a gazillion years of history and most of the last 2000 years have probably involved the greeks and turks getting their crank on at each other over it. Emmas mums family is from cyprus and lost loads of land with loads of oranges when they had to scarper to the uk to avoid big clever turkish army people. Emma now takes credit for any great or good achievements of all greeks in history, we are all indebted to you my dear.
travel advice-the green zone is not so called because of the paint job or because kermit lives there, you muppet.

Czech republic
Not bloody czechoslavakia alright?! That ceased to exist a while back. Capital city prague is fabultastico, absolutely stunning gothic archtiecture and rally cheap everything. At least it was until the english found out about the cheap beer and trashed the place. I bought an icecream cake because i could and stayed in a schoolroom turned youth hostel and ate a load of magnum white chocolates. Everything was marvellous until i left passport etc on the underground and then everything went down the bog munching machine device. famous denizens include pavel nedved, kandinsky and kundera.
travel advice-dont leave your fucking passport on the underground

Adius by Piero Ciampi

heheheheh... puoi dirlo forte piero!

ADIUS (Ciampi - Marchetti)

Il tuo viso esiste fresco
mentre una sera scende dolce
sul porto.
Tu mi manchi molto,
ogni ora di più.
La tua assenza è un assedio
ma ti chiedo una tregua
prima dell'attacco finale
perchè un cuore giace inerte
rossastro sulla strada
e un gatto se lo mangia
tra gente indifferente
ma non sono io,
sono gli altri.
E così...

Vuoi stare vicina? nooo?
Ma vaffanculo. Ma vaffanculo.
Sono quarant'anni che ti voglio dire... ma vaffanculo.
Ma vaffanculo te e tutti i tuoi cari. Ma vaffanculo.

Ma come? Ma sono secoli che ti amo, cinquemila anni, e
tu mi dici di no? Ma vaffanculo. Sai che cosa ti dico? va-ffan-culo. Te,
gli intellettuali e i pirati. Vaffanculo. Vaffanculo .
Non ho altro da dirti. Sai che bel vaffanculo che ti porti nella tomba?
Perché io sono bello, sono bellissimo, e dove vai? Ma vaffanculo. E
non ridere, non conosci l'educazione, eh? Portami
una sedia, e vattene.

Portfolio eye view of the world - C Part 1

Cambodia
As Jello Biafra said, It's a holiday in cambodia where'll you do what your told. Unfortunately Cambodia is famous for the khmer rouge and pol pots nasty habit of killing absolutely everybody, all the time. Which is a pity because its the home of the ancient khmer culture who built the super fab angkor wat amongst others. Its on my list of historical cool stuff to see, as soon as possible. Cambodia also has loads of noodles and rice and had the crap bombed out of it by the americans when they were losing the war of bombing the crap out of vietnam. And how about that mekong delta? pretty soggy innit?
travel advice- you don't need to take pot noodles

Cameroon
Not to be confused with cameron, who is my cousin or david cameron who is a smug twat. Its sort of west african, on the western top of the bottom bit but not quite on the sticky out bit. Teknikal tork that. Camerroon became vaguely famous in the 1980's when a big gas leak sprung out of a volcano or something and killed loads of people. One of the people it didnt kill was Roger Milla, the best african footballer ever and a bloke who managed to look cool in crap 80's shorts even in his 40's.
travel advice-dont try to speak to the locals in finnish, it'll never work

Canada
offical name-Canadia. A really big pink thing on top of godblessamerica. Unfortunately it has a whole bit which is run by french people, or the remnants of french people. According to south park (the most reputable source imaginable) canadians have flapping heads and beady eyes. beavis went skiing there once and got a towel, Canadians abroad wear their flag on their suitcases, lest people confuse them with guatemalans. A long list of crimes against humanity include alanis morrisette, bryan adams, michael bubbly and celine dion.
travel advice-ask everybody you see what its all 'aboot'

Cape Verde
Hmmm, might well be some islands in the atlantic, probably off africa somewhere (as a fair bit of the atlantic is).
travel advice-find it then.

Central African Republic
It's central and african and a republic. How about some dark skinned people and some history of dodgy european invaders who trashed the place? Maybe a jungle or two as well.
travel advice-find out if what i just wrote is shite before lying to your mates and telling them you just went there.

Chad
When they were handing out comedy names, chad sure got somewhere near the front of the queue, i mean 'chad', what was wrong, was 'choad' taken? In the middle of western africa some where near timbuktu and all that gear. Subsaharan but basically a big desert. Nearby other comedy gold named Niger. I used to work with a guy called chad, he was a complete and utter fuckwit.
travel advice-dont' point and laugh at the locals and guffaw about their country name or you may find a spear up your arse.


Chile
Finally a change of fucking continent. A big long strip of land between the pacific and the andes from peru to the bottom of south america. Was home to salvador allende and isobel too, but that all went wrong. Augusto Pinochet became president coz godblessamerica thought it was a good idea and he killed and tortured thousands and had a beard. A cileno colleague in wales married a welsh bloke called simon, everybody laughed, except me. Home to the atacama desert which is the driest place on earth and also a fair chunk of the tierra del fuego, not at all the driest place on earth. It is also the other side of licancabur volcano, depending on where you sit.
travel advice-if you are beavis, stay away from the public lavatories.

China
A country which is run by a tinpot dictatorship. A complete disgrace which invaded tibet not to mention the uighur lands in the north west. Home to nearly a bllion and a half people, many of whom live in dire poverty while the ahem 'communist' government is rife with corruption. The country that makes pretty much everything we own but has one of the worst human rights records on the planet. Watch out for the next world war to have china in a starring role as tens of millions of angry brainwashed single young men have nothing better to do. I do like prawn crackers tho and it must also be pointed out that china has the oldest continuous civilizations today and invented pretty much half the things we have now. So although right now it's pretty much a disgrace there are plenty of funky pony tails, pottery and dazzling history if you look pre mao and his long march of horse shit. Has several walls though you CANNOT see them from space.
travel advice-stay away, don't support the filth that govern the nation.

Columbia
Ohh Columbia how I wish to visit you. Right on the lid of south america, bordering ecuador (boo hiss) and venezuela (yay) These days famous for drug cartels primarily concerned with cocaine. In fact its the champion cocaine manufacturer on the planet. Godlbessamerica has spent billions trying to defeat them, but as usual they are just wankers. The leftist guerillas FARC started off soundly but ended up just peddling drugs trying to stay around. It seems sooner or later they will farc right off. Simona the groovy mum of vanessa is from there and i planned a trip to cartagena to steal all the spanish gold, but it didnt happen. Home of Vallllllllderamma, the most famous big hair in the universe.
travel advice-be VERY careful if you are a colombian politician, unless you want an indefinite jungle holiday

Euro 2008 update 2

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
live from badstock, austria:
we are now up to the semi final stages, after some strange things happening in the quarters.
turkey beat croatia - jammy, jammy gits
germany beat portugal - they are a machine!
russia beat holland - what the fuck?! and they outplayed them like legendcars
spain beat Italy - in a battle of who can be the most defensive, diving scumbags... huzzah

which leaves us with turkey v germany - should be hairy as the turks dont have any players left, (except for the german ones) they have all been booked for being backwards bungholes or got broken. They really shouldnt stand a chance against germany, unless of course they play fatih's game.
and
russia v spain -we wonder which spain will show up, the exciting passing beasty one or the bed wetting i hurt my culo one. Russia have been brill and Guus is no goose. But do we really need to give the russians government any more reasons to belligerant tosspots?
limebeaver picks- germany do turkey like its christmas in laverstock and russia thumps spain who only have themselves to blame for trying to be all clever clogs.

beavis has left the building

he sure has
i checked before
knocked on his door
then went in
theres no beavis there at all
his bike is there...
parked
i suspect he's not at work either
more likely overhead somewhere
not over my head
oh no.......
im way to smart
micio doesnt seem to be too bothered
tho he was being quite sucky last night
there certainly seems to be less hair around at present

euro 2008 update 1

fresh news the 2008 european championship has just started, about a week and a half ago...
a limebeaver exclusive can reveal that people have been kicking a ball about in variously coloured national strips. sometimes the ball has gone in the net, lots of times it hasnt.
thousands of other people have been crowding into big square stadia to watch them do it. marvellous effort that...
big teams such as germany, france, italy and portugal have been at it.. as well as weaker teams such as austria, greece (who are shit) and switzerland.
as of now, greece, france, austria, switzerland, czech republic, poland and romania are out O U T !
therefore italy, spain, portugal, holland, croatia, turkey and Germany are in I N ! the quarter finals. The match between Sweden and Russia will decide the last quarter finalist...
quarter finalist ratings;
italy-boo
spain-ththth
portugal-jjjjjjj
holland-brillo pads
croatia-pretty gnarli
turkey-bog off
germany-schnooore
russia/sweden-ciao ciao

FORZA OLANDA!

Portfolio eye view of the world- B

B Part 2
Bolivia
Landlocked country in central south america. Probably the poorest country on the continent, but with perhaps the most friendly people. Women wear bowler hats with big frilled coloured skirts. Spectacular scenery from tropical forests to snowed mountain tops to enormous dried salt lake beds.
Also home to the worlds highest lake, lake titicaca, where you can throw golf balls and nobody will tell you off and the worlds hightest golf course where you cant throw lakes. ththththth alert! but you could ask them to talk in qechua or the other one.
travel advice-the bike trip on the death road is great fun but the name could be more made more attractive, perhaps 'the flowery chocolate syrup road'?

Bosnia and Herzegovina
For some mysterious reason when every other bit of the balkans was breaking up into the smallest possible fragments, nations defined by hairstyle/moles on foot etc, these two have stuck together. I fear it may be to do with some religious bullshit. The site of lots and lots of nasties in the nineties when everybody was giving serbia the big G.F. And why is eva herzegovina hanging around with some two-bit shit tip like bosnia, i would buy her rice paper roll...
travel advice-don't mention the war (unless you want to be bummed out terribly)

Botswana
Groovacious country in southern africa, bordering south africa (that's how southern it is). Home to loads of parks and great wildlife, the big one being the okovango delta where you can see lions, elephants, buffalos, hippowotsmuses and loads more. They had a president once and probably still do. The delta is fab for canoey boaty trips but dont hang about coz the crocodiles like gringo flesh.
travel advice-zig zag if an elephant chases you, take off your shirt and wave it around if a rhino chases you... if a lion chases you, you are todgered

Brazil
It's bloody enormous, not just big, but bloody enormous. Probably two thirds of south america. Owns most of the amazon, except for the bits they have destroyed at an alarming pace. Also famous for beaches, amazing football, pele, a great big jesus on a hill and pretty ladies. I spent an afternoon there and gave away a pizza to some bloke who didnt see it coming.
travel advice-dont get confused and think you are in lichtenstein and try to walk from one side of the country to the other

Brunei
A farce of a country, on the north coast of borneo. the only bit that didnt get snapped up by malaysia or indonesia. The sultan or 'big tosspot' is one of the richest men in the world and has 1510 wives. An interesting fact is that most people think that brunei is actually in the middle east, partially because its run by a bunghole who wears daft clothes, clings on to a dated religion and has oil coming out of his urethra.
travel advice-you can spit off the the top of mt kinabalu right into the kings horseshit sundae.

Bulgaria
Eastern european country that threw off the shackles of the ussr to become a land for middle class brits to buy a cheap holiday home. Can't afford the costa del sol/brava/de los ingleses borrachos? Off to bulgaria and get some cheap green land, at least thats what i heard from some bloke in los llanos.
travel advice-there are no seats in a no standing zone

Burkina Faso
err... definitely in africa, most likely in the westerny bit. may well be on the coast and small or inland and enormous.
travel advice-jesus was black man, jesus was batman

Burma
not to be referred to as myanmar nor biscuits are salutory. Located in south east asia between thailand and bangladesh. the predominant religion is Buddhism so you want notice them trying to blow up your aeroplane. The groovy aun sung shi something has been locked up ever since winning an election some time last century. I would buy her a hot cocoa with 1 marshmallow. Currently run by ruthless arseholes in the military who are fucking it up completely and happy to let burmese people die. Burma was 'just over there' when i went to the beach once.
travel advice-dont run around shouting the military junta are tossers all over rangoon

Burundi
A small country in central africa. somewhere near congo, rwanda and all that jazz. People there probably speak french coz the belgians most likely trashed the joint. Trees, red dirt and groovy forest animals are super interesting, if indeed they exist.
travel advice-wearing your knickers on the outside doesnt make you superman

avevo un sogno

i arrived in cuba
i have no idea how or why
most likely at the airport
from which i strolled out into the centre of town
it was beautiful
magnificent colonial architecture
but reminiscent of ancient rome
all beautifully coloured
a big green one with arches
i was guided down the main street a short distance
to an awaiting bus/tram to take us tourists wherever it was we were going
i followed three spanish girls in their 20's
desperately trying to recall how to speak spanish in my head
we climbed up in with our bags
as they talked amongst themselves one went and got a brochure from a holder on the wall
and she came back to her friends and said the word for timetable
which i knew
so i said to her in what i assumed to be sound spanish
is that a timetable?
she looked at me, confused and slightly amused
she didnt understand a word i said
despite the fact that i was sure i had said it correctly
and i had repeated a word she had used...

wotchu lookin at leonvis?

Porftolio eye view of the world - B

B, Part 1
Bahamas
An archipelago of islands in the northern caribbean, uncomfortably close to Godblessamerica. Most famous for big black men running particularly fast. Err, there are presumably lots of beaches and too many american tourists, if they aren't too afraid to leave their own country.
travel advice-white swimming attire becomes see-through when wet

Bahrain
a little island off the coast of saudi arabia in the persian gulf. maybe. It has lots of expat westerners living there raking in the cash. Catherine lived there as a child and was allegedly the chess champion for her age. It's probably rubbish.
travel advice-ask catherine, if you can find her

Bangladesh
Formerly part of India, then Pakistan, known as eastern pakistan. Unfortunately situated on the ganges delta so it gets flooded all the time. Great! Unfortunately for the people, they are muslims and therefore in trub. They have recently started playing cricket, although not very well.
travel advice-pack a small silver coloured dinghy in case of light showers

Barbados
An island or perhaps more in the caribbean, may have been mentioned in that annoying beach boys song from the eighties. may not have. At least they don't have to speak spanish.
travel advice-keep an eye out for barbados slim, just coz he doesnt exist doesnt let you off

Belarus
Very eastern european country that used to be part of the USSR. Alexander Hleb comes from there and also most likely lots of people with bad haircuts. I dont know what the 'Bel' bit stands for, but I know that the 'rus' bit means something to do with russia. I doubt it means beautiful.
travel advice-find the answer to the above before you talk to alexander hleb

Belgium
A substantianal part of the 'low countries' and not because they are all short. On the northern coast of europe next to the netherlands. People often take the piss about it coz they can only name plastic bertrand and tintin as emanating from there. I got off a ferry at oostend once and then back on my coach to amsterdam. A divided country between the walloons (french speakers, not trousers) and the flemings (dutch speakers, not spitting suicidal animals). Most belgians seem to be quite friendly and chilled, but that could be terribly wrong. Belgians travel to Capetown and northern Corsica from my experience. AND GREAT BIER!
travel advice-dont get a ferry/bus from london with an american guy who shits everybody and gets punched in the face.

Belize
they speak english there! although there is slight reason for ththth alert. On the yucatan peninsula just south of the mexican border. apparently there is excellent scuba diving off the coast (as opposed to on the coast). Some bloke on a lake in malawi told me so... The truly legendary thing about belize is that it looks like belin! eviva!
travel advice-rejoice in the only thththh free zone within a gazillion miles of saliva drenching

Benin
in west africa most likely. also most likely to be pretty small and pretty poor. not that its the fault of the inhabitants. There could be goats there, big ones with beards
travel advice-get an atlas and find out where it is

Bhutan
tied up in hopeless romanticism for gringos, it is probably the country most untouched by modern vices. eg television, clay pigeon shooting and indoor microwave fist kebabing. near the himalayas in the funky area bordering indochina and the subcontinent. lots of big mountains and monks donging their bells. also may have played montserrat for the title of worlds most rubbish football nation and lost.
travel advice-take your own microwave fist kebabber and look for a door to get in.

my velour -ee-aa

there was a marone one
there was a dark blue one
there most likely was a groovy poo brown one
there may have even been a green one
a black one certainly was never too far away from the equation
my velour-ee-aa...
it is transparently obvious to all that frank black francis charles thompson drew inspiration from my 70's jumper fashion...
what next- a song about terry-towelling shorts or paisley skivvies?
where are my fucking royalties frank!!!???

A World Guide - Portfolio eye view of the World- A

Disclaimer; absolutely no research has been undertaken in the creation of this guide, any offence taken is gleefullly caused, so vaffanculo.

A
Afghanistan
Situated in central Asia and like many (if not all) stans, under the yoke of old beard wearing wankers. Big mountains and big wars, just finished being blown up by the russians, then began being blown up by the americans. Backwards and cold and that's just the soup. With neighbours like iran and pakistan, what bloody hope?
Travel advice - dont bother taking your kalashnikov, you can pick one up at a bargain price on any street corner.

Albania
A cesspool of criminals just bred for special exportation to your nearest western european country. need a child prostitute/somebody stabbed? you know who to call. In the midst of the most civilized continent of the planet blood feuds are still carried out over generations, also the only islamic country in town-coincidence?
travel advice - stay in italy/greece/macedonia and use a spy drone to take photos for you.

Algeria
Former north african french colony famous for mass killings in the name of islam- see a pattern here? Next to such other enlightened maghrebi as tunisia and marocco, Algeria manages to make them look rational. Home to desert and breeding ground for terrorists.
travel advice - are you fucking joking?

Andorra
Ridiculously small country in the pyrenees wedged between France and Spain, unfortunately they chose to speak spanish. Not sure how this is a country, but i am easily mystified. Cym went there to snowboard a lot and loved it and some bearded bloke from tasmania did too. probably have nice coffee or something.thththth alert.
travel advice - take a warm jacket

Angola
South west african country which had the misfortune to be colonised by portugal. As per usual they stripped the place of its assets, enslaved the population brutally then fucked off when it got tricky. I once worked with a girl from Angola, in Salisbury of all places, she seemed nice enough though she needed some pimple cream.
travel advice - go to namibia instead

Antigua and Barbados
are apparently one country. An island or few in the caribbean populated by the descendents of african slaves. Probably rather poor but beautiful beaches and they play cricket too. I saw it on telly once.
travel advice - dont have a longest schlong competition against the locals

Argentina
Big country on the atlantic side of southern South America. from iguazu falls in the north to cape wotsit at the bottom. home to patagonia, tierra del fuego, the andes and insane football fans. Lots of italians and the occasional welshman. Capital Buenos Aires (good airs) contains 103% of national population. famous people include che guevara, eva peron and lots of hidden nazis.
travel advice-if you are a vegetarian, stay home; its meat or meat for every meal

Armenia
Armenia is a teency weency country to the west of turkey and a former part of the USSR, previously a part of the ottoman empire until the GENOCIDE of the armenians by the turks around the time of world war 1. The turks still deny this. which is a fucking disgrace.
travel advice-go to the genocide museum then go over to turkey and tell them all about it.

Australia
Australia; the lucky cuntry. correct pronunciation; osstraya. a large island, small continent. big modern cities and vast open spaces where the history is. Groovy funny animals and delicious countryside. But then again, what would i know? australians of note; the bloke who invented the hills hoist.
travel advice-stop getting drunk all the time

Austria
small landlocked country in truly central europe and former capital of the habsburg empire. fantastic mountains and green grun valleys. Also famous for hitler and post nazis. Capital Vienna is perhaps the most beautiful city on earth, effortless class also one of the the most expensive. Trains run on time and there is lots of blonde hair being all germanic.
travel advice-I dare you to go to salzburg and drink a pint of beer every time the sound of music is mentioned.

Azerbaijan
Central or western asian country quite in the central or western part of asia. Inhabited by people from the central or western asian region. Once a part of the ussr and most likely near the caspian sea and a whole bunch of stans.
travel advice-there are probably buses there, so you dont need to put a car in your luggage, probably

ladies and gentlemen the worst rock and roll band in the world

Bin Juice!
Bin Juice have just released their explosive new album; My Munch or Yours!?
dynamite tracklist is as follows;
1. I am sweden!
2. Post nasal drip-reprise
3. amsterdam garbage can man
4. Bicken Chin (you know you want it)
5. Ththththththththhh
6. I don't love you, you have opposable thumbs
7. Love on the escalator
8. Dim Smuggy
9. Run (Leon is coming to get ya)
10. One and three quarter hours in east ringwood -acoustically ruined
11. Shake it like George Negus
12. Incomprehensible Scotsmen in my forecourt

'the album caused my rectum to prolapse!' Melody Faker
'It'll be my munch for sure!' The Aegis
'If you only buy one album this year, you are a cunt!' Time Gout
'illuminating, sparkles like phosphorescent shit!" The Gobserver
'we are fucking lying populist filth' The Herald Scum
'ththththth thththth th th thhhhhhhhhhh!' El Sevilla Ththth

No doubt some other references to stuff blowing up!
Not out now on Pieface Records

and now a word from our sponsor; Micio

maoow maooow maoow maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

gnam gnam

whats for dinner tonight?
i could be a vegetarian
a vegan
a fruitarian
a lacto-ovotarian
a fishtovaffanculoarian
eat ethically
mince your pig tendrils
dice your oilyphant in slitherines
baste your leg of ostrich, big un's need a lot of it
slice your whale burger thin
roll up yer california rolls in gnu slabs
squid ribs? dip em in napalm and watch em sizzle
zebra burritos with matching hyena sauce
its karma man
kestrel kebabs, nothing better after midnight
baby seals, well tenderised on a bed of red ice
lashings of snow leopard on your pizza
i want my panda liver and i want it now
3 score cochineal beetles on high speed in the blender
smoooooooooooooooothiness
might as well move to argentina...
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat

knowing me, knowing you...

everybody says you are shit, your body is shit, your brain is shit
they say you arent worth the shit you cling on to so desperately
they laugh at the things you say when you arent trying to amuse
and scoff at the things you say when seeking to entertain
this time its personal
you are transparent
you would win a clingwrap competition
your motives are there, bare and for all to see with glee
you ask for a sweet
all know you want to be refused a balloon
you stifle a sneeze
its obvious to all and sundry that you begged for pity in church
your lies are boring
nobody on baals bluegreen earth will believe you again
the loser who cried 'beef'
this life you lead is shallow and pointless
if you procreate it will be ultimately pointless
your genes will fail in the end
being of inferior quality to the medium
barely a vehicle worth the name
more a decrepit wreck of rusted ignorance propped up on blocks of tedium
imagination is a word that you cant fathom
4 walls and some a sphere are all that you can embrace
tiresome
your sililoquys and glib utterances fall to the ground like lead baubles
there is no audience
your doltish emittences will only bounce around your deluded head
like a poor mans screensaver
an eternal holding pattern of the imbecilic
oh .. hang on
that might be an itch
and we know what itches cause..
dont we spanish flu?

absolute zero e bad boy beavis

it was his birthday
he had a haircut just for the occasion
to make it look like he was that guy on tv
but how did he get there?
i imagine he walked there
after all it was only half a dozen blocks away
the guy on tv said he was sick of it
sick of being pestered and asked about it
people saying "do 'my portfolio is weird kid'"
he was trying to concentrate on his career
and show he wasnt just a one trick butter
but they just wouldnt let it go
particularly in mexico
they had that big fetish thing going with dead cats in plasticide
so he was forever cast in plasticide
even on his birthday it was hard to shake it off
most of his arse-list friends showed up for the cameras
then most buggered off via a tonnello, yes a fucking tonnello not a toonel
round the back once they had smiled and waved and kicked the babies
apparently the guest of honour was prick with a silent p
there were the smegma family
marvellously pleased with the opportunity to show off how many kilojoules they had recycled on the way there on their platform that is powered only by their sense of self satisfaction
some incoherent blokes
i think they were norwegian
mr doobee was there with miss helena and mr rons big poker
and err... sure they did
i was rubbish
or was that you, theatre?

long live the king, the king is dead is dead

cucciolo................

that small thing called foote

i doubt the integrity of that man that reads the news
i doubt the integrity of the neighbour that mews
i doubt the integrity of the friend of the friend in chalk farm
i doubt the integrity of the drunk on king street that would cause you harm
i doubt the integrity of the bloke with that silly hat
i doubt the integrity of the fucking downer, what a twat
i doubt the integrity of the children writing for beat
i doubt the integrity of safeways so called meat
i doubt the integrity of that fool on the tram
i doubt the integrity of what they put into spam
i doubt the integrity of the majority of man
i doubt the integrity of those behind the 2am ban
i doubt the integrity of the fools that program the tv
i doubt the integrity of those that marry early with such glee
i doubt the integrity of any old politician
i doubt the integrity of those fools on a religious mission
i doubt the integrity of the lady in the phone shop
i doubt the integrity of boris johnson or any such fop
i doubt the integrity of those from my high school
i doubt the integrity of what they would sell me as 'cool'
i doubt the integrity of any man with a gun
i doubt the integrity of a product that guarantees 'fun'
i doubt the integrity of the world at large
a dirty filthy swill of a cesspit stacked with liars and thieves...
but i've never left the comfort of my sofa

i read it whilst i was on the plane

people vote against their obvious interests
we'd better be idiots and just accept our five dollars an hour
dont blame heroin suppliers
theres a genuine fear, understandably so
those morons that have that whole chivalry idea
youve got no brains , youve just got a trigger
the majority of australian women are sexually dysfuntional
you can learn other languages by becoming excessively drunk
all these people on the train, keep your head down and your earfones in
its a lot to do with substances people are taking these days
these people are bringing it down
i tend to agree with you!!!
how about we have a bit of a skank
##### musical interlude######
uh oh, it seems they might never come back!
they arent!!!!
big rock guitar break
sorry about that/.././

flegman broke the photocopier

the neon lights are doing my head in
i cant sit up straight in this goddam chair much longer
the inane chatter from outside my office door drones on and on
the 3 oclock deadline for the plans is looming
the phone rings almost predictably every 14 minutes
no, dammit I dont have time to discuss the offer from Buttplex
yes, i know the aoc wants to see me about tuesdays meeting
how many limbs do these people think i have
this desk really needs clearing up
but thats never been my strong point
another cup of coffee
i dont even like the taste
another banal conversation with clevertrever by the machine
no, i didnt see the match on saturday morning
yes im sure rigomortus songbong was stellar
smiles at the various faces as i stroll past the cubicles
thank fuck i dont work in accounting
pack of boring miserablists
and poor flighty flirty sandrine
what kind of life is that?
answering a million calls a day and smiling at the schleppers that poor out of the lifts
asking them to take a seat while she pages norbert/slinky/anvil to come out to meet them
still, shes not that bright so perhaps thats all she needs
another joke about mondays would cause me to smack her tho
whats for lunch today then?
dodgy chinese/mcschifo/fake portugese/fatty arseface tm burgers ?
or is it really worth coughing up the extra to escape the filth and depression of the food court and going for the all lavatory vegetable puree steak from oriental fukkywukky bar?
one of these days i will get my shit together and bring lunch to work
and save loads of money
not today though coz sparkymarky wants to go for a pint at the Horses arse
thatll make 3pm tricky...

rats cats and bollocks

i saw rats and cats the other night at the cinema
luckily it was a freebee
i wouldnt have wanted to pay for that load of tripe
just a vanity exercise by mr dude in a dog suit
how many opportunities did it give him to get his kit off?
twat
it had some good whimsical moments
laconic aussie small town slow life kind of things
but fuck off really
it was mostly just a how great am i show
i didnt see any rats or cats
and i didnt get the point of it at all
apart from mr dog getting to be a big hero to everyone
all the girls loved him
he had a lackey to fix his whipper snipper
he had his own tribute band
with a jealous bass playing leaving
everybody loved him coz he used to be on tv
and he was definitely suffering for his arty type
oh fuck off
ho bloody hum
minus 113 out of 5

sage words of prezzemolo

seedy seedy seedy
enlightened yet?

sitting up straight at the back of the bus

which one?
ciudad bolivar to merida?
via venti settembre to righi?
harare to johannesburg?
nice airport to genova
milano centrale to orio al serio airport bergamo?
lima to trujillo?
fulham to brixton?
chang kai shek airport to all over bloody taipei?
salisbury town centre to laverstock?
box hill central to doncaster?
london victoria to swansea again and again
campiglia marittima to piombino for the isola d'elba?
puerto iguazu to salta?
salsibury to portsmouth via RINGWOOD?
swansea quadrant to mumbles?
gatwick to bristol?
ringwood high school to the hockey fields?
fitzroy to donvale?
floating bus from copacabana to isla del sol?
broken bus from coroico to half way up the death road?
hurghada to cairo?
death bus from luxor to hurghada?
livorno port to livorno station?
capetown to johannesburg?
san diego to los angeles?

so many buses, fucking busssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssses (and coaches)

islam can go fuck itself

lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/women/story/0,,2278332,00.html

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/may/11/iraq.humanrights


2 examples i found randomly in 2 days .... mi fate schifo

i missed the bus, never gonna do that again...

didnt plan a trip to southern africa, thinking about hippos and their mouth's roofs
didnt daydream about a hammock, wondering when it would come to me
didnt folow a game of football avidly
didnt write a top selling pop song infusing it with dub step
didnt ride the steam train through the fair
didnt ride an ostrich and then feel a bit guilty about it
didnt go out with the roman from numurkah for a beer
didnt read up on european history volumes 1-16, or is that 17
didnt find the details of that shop that has that thing
didnt go out for boules with some girl in adelaide
didnt flounce about queen albert market aghast at fellow shoppers
didnt say 'here we go' in euphoria and thrust my fists in the air like i just didnt care
no one ever heart no one
didnt feel dizzy from taking a child and spinning them around and around
didnt miss the bus
didnt eat 'indian' food
didnt feel the awful ache of dying slowly inside
didnt kidnap a head of state and keep him behind a bookshelf and ultimately murder him
didnt try anything new, sweetness i was only joking
didnt fall in love with the lady in the summer frock
didnt discover the marvels of nuche
didnt graduate after 11 years of hard slog of masters of rocketbrain surgeryscience
didnt marvel at anything
didnt meet up with an old friend by amazing happenstance
didnt move to a land of total dislocation
never gonna do that again...

biggsy is making it hard for me to concentrate

so the australian government is paying 20 million bucks for the visit of the pope
how bloody fucking ridiculous is that
the catholic church own billions of dollars worth of land all over the world
in fact it owns more property than anybody on the planet
what a fucking disgrace
then theres the stuff about abortion
and mens rights about the life and death of an unborn child
the feminists said it is our body
and the law is phrased to recognise that
what a carton of worms
and now theres the use of swearing
cunt and fuck
the newspapers wont print it
what a lot of prude arseholes
as was said... is it to protect the little children who read the age?
horseshit
roba about the us democratic party race
is it a good thing that it is this close
is it just a sack of shit
i just couldnt care less
imagine if we had a presidential election campaign here
all the months and months of all that tripe
just what we bloody need
vaffanculo
next up is the bunch of cyclists brought down by a nutter in sydney
drove behind them shouting and swearing then
gets in front of them and bangs on the breaks
so they all fly into the back of him
what kind of arsehole would do that?
why doesnt the government spend any money making cycling lanes etc
but why do motorists have this bullshit anger against cyclists
it seems to be the home of wanker bogans
showing how tough they are in their cars
coz thats very strong and manly
tossers
a brief mention as to why that horrid little worm ex prime minister is still getting all this media
every time he opens that disgusting little mouth of his
he still gives me shivers when i see him
fucking little piece of excrement.
its on to the casino
and how its exempt from all the laws
in particular from the proposed 2am law
which is a completely stupid idea in the first place
but the government makes a nice little loophole for their favourite source of income
anybody noticed that when you kick everybody out at the same time
like 11pm in the uk
lots of pissed up people cranky that they cant get another drink
out with nothing to do
so they start fighting
what a fucking moronic knee jerk idea
a quick mention about the fact that when there was the taxi drivers
there were no police around
but if you want to protest against anything important
that the government doesnt like
there are riot police everywhere hoping to beat you over the head
for any excuse...
but the crab drivers block the most important intersection in the state
and there are no piggies to be seen
fuck off
and thats it from biggsy and friends
dont stay tuned for enio styles to take you into the afternoon in a crap and smuggy manner

the russians are coming

mayday has been and gone
i missed it and suspect everybody else did too
considering we dont have it in this country
weve got labour or is that labor day
supposed to celebrate the eight hour day
or the 40 hour week
or the seven giraffe thrombosis victims
or etc etc
i didnt do a blog about it
i didnt do a blog about anything
ive been too busy
not doing blogs
im considering giving up the blog thing
considering that nobody reads it
and half the time or more
i cant be arsed writing it
but i feel guilty
like i somehow should be doing it
which is so much nonsense
im just lacking inspiration
it wasnt hard to come by last year
it was positively falling out of me
but now its dried up
when i had great adventures to tell of overseas it was no problem
but without said great adventures
well reporting on the couch isnt really thrilling
movies, gigs, parties and the like
they all should be worth a wry remark or a critique
but the being arsed factor is the main problem
added to the fact that it takes bloody aeons just to load up the page
ensuring that motivation is gone by the time it comes around
it nearly happened again today
for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
the russians are coming
not black ones
limp white ones without conviction
like a paper cup full of cheap vodka
be afraid
be very afraid
broken dux?

aprile puo andare e fottersi

quanto mi sono stufato recentamente
sono contentissimo che questo mese di merda sia quasi finito
non riesco neanche a lamentarmi bene in questa lingua
cazzo

the clock is ticking

its not really
its just sitting there being ledish
but that hardly grabs the attention
i read somewhere that at the start of a story you have to grab them right them and now by the hairy bits
grab
but the led is changing occasionally
so is the other one
one of them is on universal time
the other is on atomic time
farked if i know the difference
tristan and isolde and lavorytine
ho hum
its roast it night tonight
for no particular reason
i just wanna roast it
i just wanna roast it
this really is all over the shop
ive got material you see
but its too late in the day period slot now to make the most of it
and i wanna keep it for a raining daytimesetting
so im just making shit up and rambling
trying to fill in a few sentences
with inane drivel
good thing im a good thing and good at it
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oh and by the way
invasion of the body snatchers suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks
not just sucks
way worse than that
okay it was the seventies
when things that sucked were in fashion
moustaches, flares, big hairiness, being a bloody whiffy hippy and bucks fizz
sure, they didnt have super special effects machines and they recorded with a matchbox on top of a shit laden stick
using an ants rectum for sound
and saturns third ring for light
but that doesnt mean that they couldnt write decent lines
or act properly
or just not be cheesy wankers
its easy to scorn what was done in the past
i mean to me hitler looks like a silly little turd with a comedy moustache
but fucking hell
what a load of tripe
thank fook there was bowie, and lou and jonathon richman and iggy and clint eastwood being well 'ard
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

il riscaldamento della casa

there was a housewarming on saturday night
it would have been better off having it this week
it was already quite warm
or am i missing the point?
it was in northcote
which miraculously let me in
despite the fact i wasnt cool enough
they turned a blink eye
let us skulk in the back alley
it was quite an eye opener it was
ive never met any
some smart arse french bloke answered the door
pretended it was the wrong address
he fucked me over
beavis knew better
those whacky french guys
the house was done up all funky
with orange umbrellas and light shade bloody cant think of the names
and there were people all over the shop
sitting in a circle
and some sitting in another circle outside
stan the man was cooking some amazing food
which i couldnt eat coz i was full
arsearsearsearsearsearsearse
arse
sure we were old
but it wasnt the kinderverbotenfest that i had feared
lots of friendly people
not too much racism
a rather silly nuzeelunder being all earnest
why must they do that?
at least she got her comeuppance being attacked by a sensitive new age dave
a very sensible straight person got the crank at me for something super stupid
sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
as if i were that type!
vaffanculo
there were lots of yummy beers
some of which i gave away
the music didnt suck
but the blue gloop i kneeled in did
it farked up my trousers
like ive got so many that i can spare one..
mavaffa.....
still it was good fun
i met more people than i have done in ages
quite the tonic
now all i need is some gin

kylie threatens to sue...

who is sue?
is kylie going mad?

will marty go the same way as steve?

well now
a week or so ago a great man came to this one and half ass town
his name was steve
not a very imaginative name i know
but he didnt choose it
he is one of the greatest men to walk this earth
doling out wisdom, wit and cerebral entertainment wherever he treads
and hes done a lot of treading let me tell you
more than most mortals could possibly imagine
as far as i know he hasnt set fut on other planets
but thats just due to lack of opportunities
besides
so he came to town
he thrilled and spilled
apparently
he provided a sublime distraction from all this maya
on this mortal, why the hell is it called coil?
but he was forced to tears by the absence of a close friend
not the one he serenaded in hospital
now another great man
of the same ilk
will be in town this very night
his name is marty
another not particularly inspiring name
but another whos greatness is not limited to his physical presence
his influece can be felt from anywhere on this so called bloody coil
perhaps if nasa had any class they would send another probulator into deepest space
and put his imprint on it
(or steves)
or wind one of their ethereal cords around it
marty shall dazzle, enchant and enthrall this very night
beard his way to greatness
strum, rock, enchant and poeticize
blow small minds away

and yes he did....

melbourne international comedy festival-comprehensive review

marvellous festivus this micf
not to be confused with the miff
the biff or the riff
and especially not the whiff
as he is known in some parts
this years melbourne international comedy festivus took place last night
it happened in the fad gallery
on corrs lane
upside your head
you had to go into the err something bar
where i had been only once before
looking for red things
youve gotta go in and then around and then up
where you waittttttttttttta and look at paintings and photos
some of which are particularly saucy
this bloke who looked liked daniel kitson was hanging about
he looked so much like daniel kitson he was daniel kitson
we went upschtairs to the festivus
it consisted of bloke called nick sun
who played in this room full of chairs and some people
he was pretty funny
shouting and kicking over chairs
not making racist jokes
banging on about how tired he was
and how he had a strong coffee
we had a beer
one each.. we werent gay
my new best mate daniel kitson laughed a lot
and that was the melbourne international comedy festival
so bog off

the space race is over

some men got in a stick
it went up and up
up and well you know the rest
it was white
it was big
it went vroom
they went all the way there
just to come back
except it was all a phoney
they tricked everybody
they even tricked me
and i wasnt even born
clever fuckers
ronald raygun knew better
he was gonna put a big ole gun on the big old cheese disc
there was a point in here somehwere
yes...
in the shadow of the moon
sure it at the new the other night
dublin amazing
all these interviews with ex wotsits spacefellas that went to the moon
except the most famous one
veal farmschlong or somebody
wondefully shot by an english chappy
so it didnt have that all-american bullshit flag waving gnar gnar cringe bollocks about it
showed jayeffkay
who i think was that muppety english bloke who dances about with a godawful hat on
making some promise about doing marilyn manson before the steak gets cold
and despite the fact it was just a big penis competition it inspired all kinds of good things
people in different countries getting a rush out of it etc
and these spaceblokes
all so humble and intelligent
telling how it made them feel to see the earth so far away
so small, so fragile etc
some got a bit godbothery about it
but not in that shitey painful way
talk about the ultimate perspective
kind of like how i feel about travelling
but to the enffff degree
so many super groovy shots of space and rockets and the moon
dont stop cant stop the music
like billy i thought i could go to the moon
dammit

eat my brain, go insane

ooh look at the pretty pictures!
theres some all multicoloured of my brain
my brain!
eat my brain, go insane
from four different angles
fancy that
how much detail there is!
the wonders of modern technology!
all take a number and fucking marvel at it!
ooh, look again
theres a pictures of the groovacious new dogvis
in all her sweet glory
note the lovely golden tan rusty bits
the black muzzle
the skinny legs
my my lets all admire her bloody beauty!
how about some pix that i put up of the jesus and mary chain in full flight
note jim reids floppy fringe! not!
how about the spectacular lighting!
although i wasnt there it wasnt that different to last night
the wonders of fucking technology
vaffanculo

fish of april

mr 100 per cent
thats me
no knockers can knock that
no chinks in my armour
im perfect
not a fault to be seen
one from one
some kind of blogging behemoth of consistency
stand back and admire my work
quanilty not qualtity

what the hell is an ide?

some kind of fruit thats shaped like a crustacean?
a small rodent that lives in the briar patch?
that other space shuttle that blew up?
something that would cheer up murray?
a day of mourning in chile?
the technical name for beavis' hairball?
something to slam one upside the head?
a sport involving lots of "good'oh's"and "jolly'ho's"
the mystery of the artist explained?
a seated bhutanese banquet with a dozen courses?
the page at the back of the paper with the shit 'wanted' ads on it?
bog off