Portfolio eye view of the world C Part 2

Comoros
Hmm some islands somewhere near africa? More than one, because there is and 's'. I'm plumping for the indian ocean. You could do worse than go there and dip your toe in the water and send me a postcard.
Travel advice-Vote for boat!

Congo
Things get tricky here, as Congo can easily be mixed up with the democratic republic of congo... A process of deduction would suggest that Congo should be renamed Non Overtly Undemocratic Monarchic thigh boot banana skin empanada of Congo. That'd make my life a bit simpler. Selfish gits.
Travel advice-get your congo's straight

Democratic Republic of Congo
If it ain't brown, take it down. Something to do wiith Patrice Lumumba and the belgians being prats. Peter Garrett told me so before he sold out and became the worlds tallest and baldest politician. This could apply to the above empanadalandia but as research is an anathema to a portfolio we shall never know. Apologies if this is so.
travel advice-theres a big difference between a conga line and a congo line.

Costa Rica
Happily translated as rich coast it all sounds pretty promising. Much better than Coste de mierda por ejemplo. Right in the skinniest of skinny bits in central america, nearby panama city hotel... Reports coming in fresh off the beep beep dot dash machine claim its really great and chilled out. Jungles, beaches and relaxed latino people, not pasta and maybe even il giaguaro da da da dah... Not to be confused with Puerto Rico, despite all the symmetry in richness.
travel advice-hang in there rich coast i'm a coming

Cote d'Ivoire/Ivory Coast
Didier Drogba, Didier Drogba!!! Western african country along the coast. They just had to have their name in french coz it sounds so 'chic' dont it?! If Drogba is a reasonable example its a nation full of people who are really great at kicking things and even better at falling over for no particular reason. It must be hell trying to walk about in ole ivory coast town with people dropping like flies all over the place and the road toll would be horrific. The name of the country is taken from the bad old colonial days when they used to grow ivory vines for delicious snack treats called Ivur Bigguns.
travel advice-learn how to say 'stand up you twat' in french

Croatia
It sure is. On the other side of the adriatic from italy. With a whacky flag obviously copied from the table cloths of italian restaurants all over the world, altough you cant make out a cheesy basket cosa of chianti. Perhaps known as illyria in roman times and a great big war zone in the 1990s. There are loads of beautiful islands and the famous city of split with red rooves. Home to an unreasonable amount of talented footballers for such a small country, but many are pinched form some great continent/cuntry in the south. Catherine went there with cym for a holiday and so did i, in an alternate reality.
travel advice-alternative realities often turn out to be better than the crap you are junked with, so take more drugs.

Cuba
Viva el presidente! or something like that. A former spanish colony and the biggest island in the carribean. Became kind of famous in the 1960s when El Che, fidel castro and bunch of other beards invaded it and made it into a communist state just to piss off godblessamerica. Thereafter followed the bay of pigs invasion, the cuban missile crisis and a whole lot of communist propoganda bullshit. As homer simpson pointed out in theory communism works and its has basically gone down the toilet since then. It is now a destination for european package holidays and to give hugo chavez somewhere to bang on about. Big ththththt alert.
travel advice-go to guantamo bay and moon the yanks.

Cyprus
its in two bits, the larger LEGITIMATE, INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED bit is run the greek cypriots, the smaller ILLEGITIMATE, NOT INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED bit is run by turkey. The ridiculous state of affairs occurred when their was a bit of a hit of state and the turks invaded. very fucking clever. It should be pointed out that cyprus also has a gazillion years of history and most of the last 2000 years have probably involved the greeks and turks getting their crank on at each other over it. Emmas mums family is from cyprus and lost loads of land with loads of oranges when they had to scarper to the uk to avoid big clever turkish army people. Emma now takes credit for any great or good achievements of all greeks in history, we are all indebted to you my dear.
travel advice-the green zone is not so called because of the paint job or because kermit lives there, you muppet.

Czech republic
Not bloody czechoslavakia alright?! That ceased to exist a while back. Capital city prague is fabultastico, absolutely stunning gothic archtiecture and rally cheap everything. At least it was until the english found out about the cheap beer and trashed the place. I bought an icecream cake because i could and stayed in a schoolroom turned youth hostel and ate a load of magnum white chocolates. Everything was marvellous until i left passport etc on the underground and then everything went down the bog munching machine device. famous denizens include pavel nedved, kandinsky and kundera.
travel advice-dont leave your fucking passport on the underground