Portfolio eye view of the world E

E
East Timor
You can call it the republic of timor-leste if you like, they do. But they also say lots of djjjjjjj and have to deal with the indonesian army trying to fuck with them all the time. A strange anomaly of a country because it is sort of half the island of timor but it was a portugese colony as opposed to all the surrounds which were dutch. Which lead to the happy situation of indonesia being arschlockes and invading, killing everybody. The europeans sure are good at arbitrarily making up boundaries when they are drunk arent they? Eventually there was a referendum and the indonesians killed lots more people before they fucked off. Now a free nation, australia stepped in and screwed them over oil and lots of people wrote songs about it.
travel advice-go to the beach and throw rocks into the water

Ecuador
Boo Hiss. Smallish country on the pacific coast of south america. Specialises in trashing the galapagos islands and sending morons to italy. Said morons wear basketball caps on sideways, hang out in bunches and are the most ignorant fuckers i have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Catherine went there and said it was a fab place, maybe they only send the twats to italy, or maybe catherine was on drugs... big thththththhtth alert
travel advice-if you go to ecuador and meet anybody who has relatives in italy, kidnap them and threaten to slit their throats until their fuckwit relatives come home.

Egypt
those were the days, all of about three thousand years ago when egypt was the leading culture on the planet. they built amayyyzing pyramids and sphingi and palaces and kick arse tombs and cities and lighthouses which baffled the world for millenia. Everything was really smashing for a few thousand years, then the greeks took over and it was still pretty cool. Sadly, the world turns and the civilization faded. Then about fifteen hundred years ago, the arabs rocked up and made everybody become muslims and it has been going backwards ever since. These days its an enormous tourist scam, suckers from all over show up, get pissed and salmonella on a boat then get pissed and sunburnt at the red sea, whilst all the locals actively try to suck every last drop from them, pitiful. Famous former residents; tutankhamun, ramses the not-too-shabby, cleopatra.
travel advice-when the gazillionth person tries to screw you over or ask for baksheesh, tell them to rearrange these words-'go yourself fuck'

El Salvador
Central america again, an ickle pickle one. thththhthh warning again. Capital is San Salvador. The usual stuff about central american countries; got screwed by the USA, lots of poverty, lots of corruption and I wanna go there. Name translates as 'The Saviour', I'm not sure who this is referring to, perhaps it's the green lantern, still its a funny name for a country, they should have cut to the chase and called it La Lanterna Verda.
travel advice-ask a local how they really feel about the green lantern

England
Look, I know it's only sort of a country and theres all that united kingdom, great britain rubbish going down, but it just had to be. Tiny littly country off the north west of mainland europe who have never gotten over it. Ran a large part of the world and have never gotten over it. Very wet country and people drive comedy small cars. The food is terrible and english are the worst athletes on the planet. There are some lovely, interesting people there, you know which 4 you are. Home to a load of ye olde things, stone circles, castles, and railway sytems. englishpersons of not include; bill shakespeare, mr bean, sid vicious and my grandma.
travel advice-smoke cigarettes, drink beer, eat chocolate and buy books because thats all you will be able to afford to do.

Equatorial Guinea
Is not to be confused with Non -equatorial guinea, that causes all kinds of embarassment. Believed to be near the equator and in western africa, on the coast and small and poorish. Some bloke was on telly from there the other day.
travel advice-dont try to traffic illegal drugs into the country in your genitals, its just not big or clever.

Eritrea
On the northern coast of africa, just a few clicks up the red sea from cape horn. Until recently it was a part of ethiopia but they got the cranks in the 1980's and had a bit of a war of independence. Might have been part of the short lived italian empire of abyssinia. Erik says that the most beautiful women in the world come from these parts because they have dark skin of africans but the fine features of europeans, but erik says a lot of spectacular bullshit.
travel advice-launch a rocket over the red sea and try to blow up saudi arabia

Estonia
One of the three small baltic states that recently escaped their big nasty, grabby neighbour russia. Since that they have joined the EU and become good places for the english to go get drunk cheaply. The capital might well be Talinn, which is a very cool name. Buggered if i know any more, sorry about that.
travel advice-pack your big woofly jacket, it's cold in them thar baltic places

Ethiopia
Funny that, we were just talking about you. Abyssinia, eritrea and all that jazz. It got very famous for all the wrong reason in the 1980's when horrific starvation roamed the land and killed hundreds of thousands. It also spawned a whole series of tasteless jokes in primary schools the world over. The only african country to never truly be colonised and was lead by Gabri halisalessie or something who is viewed as the man by rastas. Also allegedly home to that cup of god or whatever the christians are constantly on about and encouraging massacres for. Protected by some bloke and a ratty old curtain, and thats the truth dammit
travel advice-what the fuck do you think this is? a travel guide? go make in an arse