Richard Dawkins sticks it to the men...

here are a few corkers he has said ... on the blind stupidity of religion et al

A friend, an intelligent lapsed Jew who observes the Sabbath for reasons of cultural solidarity, describes himself as a Tooth Fairy Agnostic. He will not call himself an atheist because it is in principle impossible to prove a negative. But "agnostic" on its own might suggest that he though God's existence or non-existence equally likely. In fact, though strictly agnostic about god, he considers God's existence no more probable than the Tooth Fairy's.
Bertrand Russell used a hypothetical teapot in orbit about Mars for the same didactic purpose. You have to be agnostic about the teapot, but that doesn't mean you treat the likelihood of its existence as being on all fours with its non-existence.
The list of things about which we strictly have to be agnostic doesn't stop at tooth fairies and celestial teapots. It is infinite. If you want to believe in a particular one of them -- teapots, unicorns, or tooth fairies, Thor or Yahweh -- the onus is on you to say why you believe in it. The onus is not on the rest of us to say why we do not. We who are atheists are also a-fairyists, a-teapotists, and a-unicornists, but we don't' have to bother saying so.
-- Richard Dawkins, following a list of excerpts from hate mail sent to the editor of Freethought Today, after she won a separationist court battle, in "A Challenge To Atheists: Come Out of the Closet" (Free Inquiry, Summer, 2002) paragraph division added

Perhaps the best of the available euphemisms for atheist is nontheist. It lacks the connotation of positive conviction that there is definitely no god, and it could therefore easily be embraced by Teapot or Tooth Fairy Agnostics. It is less familiar than atheist and lacks its phobic connotations. Yet, unlike a completely new coining, its meaning is clear. If we want a euphemism at all, nontheist is probably the best.
The alternative which I favor is to renounce all euphemisms and grasp the nettle of the word atheism itself, precisely because it is a taboo word carrying frissons of hysterical phobia. Critical mass may be harder to achieve than with some non-confrontational euphemism, but if we did achieve it with the dread word atheist, the political impact would be all the greater.
-- Richard Dawkins, following a list of excerpts from hate mail sent to the editor of Freethought Today, after she won a separationist court battle, in "A Challenge To Atheists: Come Out of the Closet" (Free Inquiry, Summer, 2002)

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
-- Richard Dawkins, in "Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder," The Richard Dimbleby Lecture, BBC1 Television (12 November 1996)

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.
-- Richard Dawkins (attributed: source unknown)

Religion teaches the dangerous nonsense that death is not the end.
-- Richard Dawkins, "Religion's Misguided Missiles" (September 15, 2001)

Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence.
-- Richard Dawkins (attributed: source unknown)

Faith is powerful enough to immunize people against all appeals to pity, to forgiveness, to decent human feelings. It even immunizes them against fear, if they honestly believe that a martyr's death will send them straight to heaven.
-- Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene

Yes, testosterone-sodden young men too unattractive to get a woman in this world might be desperate enough to go for 72 private virgins in the next.
-- Richard Dawkins, "Religion's Misguided Missiles" (September 15, 200

My last vestige of "hands off religion" respect disappeared in the smoke and choking dust of September 11th 2001, followed by the "National Day of Prayer," when prelates and pastors did their tremulous Martin Luther King impersonations and urged people of mutually incompatible faiths to hold hands, united in homage to the very force that caused the problem in the first place.
-- Richard Dawkins, The Devil's Chaplain (2004)

My point is not that religion itself is the motivation for wars, murders and terrorist attacks, but that religion is the principal label, and the most dangerous one, by which a "they" as opposed to a "we" can be identified at all.
-- Richard Dawkins, The Devil's Chaplain (2004)

It is fashionable to wax apocalyptic about the threat to humanity posed by the AIDS virus, "mad cow" disease, and many others, but I think a case can be made that faith is one of the world's great evils, comparable to the smallpox virus but harder to eradicate.
-- Richard Dawkins, The Humanist, Vol. 57, No. 1

If people think God is interesting, the onus is on them to show that there is anything there to talk about. Otherwise they should just shut up about it.
-- Richard Dawkins (attributed: source unknown)

People sometimes try to score debating points by saying, "Evolution is only a theory." That is correct, but it's important to understand what that means. It is also only a theory that the world goes round the Sun -- it's just a theory for which there is an immense amount of evidence.
There are many scientific theories that are in doubt. Even within evolution, there is some room for controversy. But that we are cousins of apes and jackals and starfish, let's say, that is a fact in the ordinary sense of the word.
-- Richard Dawkins, "Nick Pollard interviews Richard Dawkins" (Damars: 1999)

You cannot be both sane and well educated and disbelieve in evolution. The evidence is so strong that any sane, educated person has got to believe in evolution.
-- Richard Dawkins, in Lanny Swerdlow, "My Sort Interview with Richard Dawkins" (Portland, Oregon, 1996)

It is absolutely safe to say that, if you meet somebody who claims not to believe in evolution, that person is ignorant, stupid or insane (or wicked, but I'd rather not consider that).
-- Richard Dawkins, quoted from Josh Gilder, a creationist, in his critical review, "PBS's 'Evolution' series is propaganda, not science" (September, 2001)

Not a single one of your ancestors died young. They all copulated at least once.
-- Richard Dawkins, The New Yorker, "Richard Dawkins's Evolution" (September 9, 1996), debating "Does God Exist?" with Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz, as reported by Ian Parker, quoted from The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations

The enlightenment is under threat. So is reason. So is truth. So is science, especially in the schools of America. I am one of those scientists who feels that it is no longer enough just to get on and do science. We have to devote a significant proportion of our time and resources to defending it from deliberate attack from organized ignorance. We even have to go out on the attack ourselves, for the sake of reason and sanity. Of course, excellent organizations already exist for raising funds and deploying them in service of reason, science and enlightenment values.But the money that these organizations can raise is dwarfed by the huge resources of religious foundations such as the Templeton Foundation, not to mention the tithe-bloated, tax-exempt churches.
-- Richard Dawkins, quoted from the press release, “The Cydonia Group Declares War On Religion” (December 15, 2006)

To fill a world with ... religions of the Abrahamic kind, is like littering the streets with loaded guns. Do not be surprised if they are used.
-- Richard Dawkins, "Religion's Misguided Missiles" (September 15, 2001)

That there is a continuous link from humans to gorillas, with the intermediate species merely long dead, is beyond the understanding of speciesists. Tie the label Homo sapiens even to a tiny piece of insensible embryonic tissue, and its life suddenly leaps to infinite, incomputable value....
Self-styled "pro-lifers," and others that indulge in footling debates about exactly when in its development a foetus "becomes" human, exhibit the same discontinuous mentality. "Human," to the discontinuous mind, is an absolutist concept. There can be no half measures. And from this flows much evil.
-- Richard Dawkins, from "Gaps in the Mind," in The Devil's Chaplain (2004)

Society bends over backward to be accommodating to religious sensibilities but not to other kinds of sensibilities. If I say something offensive to religious people, I'll be universally censured, including by many atheists. But if I say something insulting about Democrats or Republicans or the Green Party, one is allowed to get away with that. Hiding behind the smoke screen of untouchability is something religions have been allowed to get away with for too long.
-- Richard Dawkins, quoted in Natalie Angier, "Confessions of a Lonely Atheist," New York Times Magazine, January 14, 2001

Over the centuries, we've moved on from Scripture to accumulate precepts of ethical, legal and moral philosophy. We've evolved a liberal consensus of what we regard as underpinnings of decent society, such as the idea that we don't approve of slavery or discrimination on the grounds of race or sex, that we respect free speech and the rights of the individual. All of these things that have become second nature to our morals today owe very little to religion, and mostly have been won in opposition to the teeth of religion.
-- Richard Dawkins, quoted in Natalie Angier, "Confessions of a Lonely Atheist," New York Times Magazine, January 14, 2001

In childhood our credulity serves us well. It helps us to pack, with extraordinary rapidity, our skulls full of the wisdom of our parents and our ancestors. But if we don't grow out of it in the fullness of time, our ... nature makes us a sitting target for astrologers, mediums, gurus, evangelists, and quacks. We need to replace the automatic credulity of childhood with the constructive skepticism of adult science.
-- Richard Dawkins , Unweaving the Rainbow: Science, Delusion, and the Appetite for Wonder (1998), page 142–3

tennisninette

its kind of blue
on the whole it cold be said to be blue
there are splodges fo white
quite well formed
so perhaps splodges isnt the right word
more dashes
occasional flicks of yellow
little bits of orange and red
and probably other bits
a tiny green thing hovers intermittently
it hurts my eyes
and the sounds at times hurt my whole head
grunting and cheering
currents of yank
dribbles of osstrayan drivel
from some sandy little butthole
somewhere out there
a story could be unfolding
but it flickers up and down
constantly
irritatingly
brain bustingly
oh there would be unsung anguish
if only i cared

things that make a lot of sense...

1 - having the bloody flu when its 45 degrees celsius
that makes a shedload of sense...
fuckingetfuckedfuckingfuckfacefuckingfuct

scorchio!

poula fisch with the weather forecast for melbourne for the rest of the week...
(stolen from the fast show)

il capodanno razzista

e si
ho dormito tanto in questi giorni
quasi quasi mi sembra che ho dormito tutto il giorno
da non so...
forse sabato
dormivo come un morto sabato pomeriggio
poi sono uscito con le cugine
per cui ero molto contento
purtroppo e' andata un po storta
credevo che andassimo solo a un ristorante al collina della scatola
quindi non un sacco di esercizio
ma no
abbiamo parcheggiato le macchine forse un chilometro dal centro
cosi ho dovuto camminare un bel po prima di arrivarci
poi abbiamo fatto un bel girino per le strade
immersi in una folla pazzesca di asiatici
interotto dalle fermate improvviste ogni tanto
che volevo dire un sacco di aspettare a piede
alla fine siamo andati ad un ristorante cinese
quello che era il favorito di lei
ci sono stato anche un paio di volte degli anni fa
il cibo era abbastanza buono
pero
non c'erano abbastanza staff
cosi
aspettamo e aspettamo
infine ci serviva 3 maledette ore
per qualche primi a degli secondi piatti
che non erano un granche
mentre io stavo sempre piu stanco
io non e' successo un cazzo
ero proprio stufo e stanco
stavo proprio pensando di prendere uno tassi a casa
infatti pensavo che magarii avessi la macchina mai
ma ho pensato
il cibo deve arrivare prima o poi
alla fine sono uscito a fare un passeggiata
neanche un ottima idea
ma avevo un grand bisogno di scappare
fare due passi come si dice
dopo quello che sembrava delle epoche
e' arrivato i secondi piatti
ho bevuto un'altra birra
e' mi sentivo meglio
ma sapevo benessimo che ci sarebbe stato dei guai
che fucking palle

a cunning disguise indeed...

the urban dictionary is full of crap

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=schnaa

1.	schnaa
	adj. Meaning stupid. Alternative to the words gay and retarded. Seraph: I have a telescope so i can spy on the hobos next door. Dominique: That's so schnaa.

these home people can get fucked. What the fuck would they know about schnaa, they werent there at the tote shouting and leaning on the bar. wankers. Speaking of dictionaries, what exactly does 'urban' mean?
well, according to dictionary.com it is;

1.	of, pertaining to, or designating a city or town.

2.	living in a city.

3.	characteristic of or accustomed to cities; citified: He is an urban type.

Now is there written anywhere, fucking idiotic black and hispanic american twats banging on about guns and hoes? fuck off, really.
'Seraph'!!?? fucking seraph? yeah thats a proper name.. why not call yourself 'floatyarseflakes'?
buttnugget.. says 'I have a telescope so i can spy on the hobos next door.'
well deficente, unless you live next door to an alley you cant look at hobos dont have fucking houses, you moron!
'Dominque' ??!! ahh so some stupid homegirl bint with a big arse and working in mcdonalds is likely to have french parents, maybe they are from grenoble, LA? fuck right off..says
'That's so schnaa" ... mind bending observation there dominique from Toulon! Go smash your daft plaitted hair up yer arse!

the lesson here is obvious, americans are fucking idiots and they should never, ever try to coin new phrases/expressions/words as they will on embarass themselves and anybody forced to listen.
Schnaa means something else entirely.... dillweeds

I mean, who throws a shoe?!!!

Sock and Awe!


a fab game to splat the smug git in the ugly mug...

i saw me standing alone...

I found a fab new hobby.. translating italian football rubbish rumours about Kaka for desperate english fans desperate for football rubbish rumours about Kaka...
start applauding any time...

Intrigo Kakà, l'ultima clausola per chiudere

Il giocatore ha preteso la possibilità di svincolarsi a 65 milioni nel 2010, ma per lui sono ore di tormento: ieri è stato visto piangere a Milanello. Stasera contro la Fiorentina sarà titolare

© LaPresse

MILANO, 17 gennaio - Il Milan ha deciso di dare il via libera alla cessione di Kakà al City. La so­cietà non farà nulla per impedire al suo fuo­riclasse di andarsene alle condizioni (120 milioni di euro) garantite dal club inglese. Lunedì prossimo si deciderà definitivamen­te il destino di Kakà al quale spetta l’ultima parola. È previsto, infatti, un summit al quale parteciperà, oltre al giocatore, anche papà Bosco che si incontrerà con l’ad mila­nista Galliani.

OFFERTA MOSTRUOSA - Nel frattempo il padre-ma­nager del fuoriclasse brasiliano avrà cono­sciuto nei minimi dettagli l’offerta del City che, secondo più di una fonte, può essere definita mostruosa. Nel senso che lo sceic­co Mansour Bin Zayed ha deciso che farà di tutto e di più per strappare il suo consenso, facendolo «tremare» come ha confidato ai suoi più diretti collaboratori. Lo vogliono subito in Inghilterra. Difficilmente l’offer­ta resterebbe in piedi fino a giugno.

UN’ALTRA CLAUSOLA - Il City ha accettato anche l’ultima, decisamente impegnativa, clausola imposta dal milanista: dopo un an­no esatto, cioè nel gennaio 2010, potrebbe liberarsi per 65 milioni di euro nel caso in cui una sola delle sue richieste (scritte e certificate nel contratto) non venisse rispet­tata. In più, secondo il sito Arabian Busi­ness che ieri ha annunciato addirittura la firma di Kakà per il City, Ricky avrebbe ot­tenuto anche un incremento del venti per cento del suo ingaggio che, quindi, non sa­rebbe più di 15 milioni netti a stagione ma di 18, come ricompensa per non avere la possibilità di giocare in Champions League nemmeno nella prossima stagione.

Became:

Milan 17 Jan- Milan has decided to leave the way free for the secession of Kaka to City. The club wont do anything to impede its superstar leaving for the conditions (120 million euro) guaranteed by the engilsh club. Next monday Kaka's destiny will be decided definitively, with the player having the last word. It is foreseen that there will be a summit between the player, his father and Galliani.
Monster offer- In the meanwhile, the father-manager of the brazilian star will know all the details of the city's offer, which, according to more than one source, can be defined as MONSTROUS!. In the sense that the sheik MBZ has decided that he will do everything and more to get his agreement, making him 'shake' as has confided un of his closest collaborators. They want him immediately in England. Its unlikely that the offer could remain until June.
Another clause- City has accepted also the last, most demanding, clause put by the milan player;after one year exactly, january 2010, he can be freed for 65 million euro if any one of his requirements (written and certified in the contract) are not fulfilled. Moreso, according to the site, Arabian business, that yesterday announced the signature of kaka at city, ricky has obtained also an increment of 20% of his wages, that will not be 15 million net per season, but 18, as compensation for not being able to play in the champions league, not even next season.

better sticky tape than the fifth element?

Debate rages in the important media that talks about relevant stuff worldwide... could this new pretender take the title of sexiest sticky tape from milla jovovich who has held it for a dozen years from her role in The Fifth Element ?
vote now for only 14 euros at; www.gomakeinanarse.co.uk

Making plans for Micio... ooh oooh oooh

Were only making plans for micio
We only want whats best for him
Were only making plans for micio
micio just needs this helping paw
And if young micio says he's mao
He must be mao
He must be mao in his box
Were only making plans for micio
He has his future as the king of fitzroy
Were only making plans for micio
Micios whole future is sorted coz hes such a handsome boy
And if young micio says hes mao
He must be mao
He must be mao in his box
Micio sure is outspoken
And he likes to mao
And loves to be mao
Micio is happy in his box
Were only making plans for micio

to be sung to the tune of 'making plans for nigel' by xtc

vroom vroom blip blip

and its monkey, followed by prost, piquet and monocycle..
through the chicane...
through the chicane...

non la conosco la claudia... magari

ieri sera ho guardato il film tu la conosci claudia
e' un'altro film di aldo, giovanni, giacomo, trevor eccc
devo dire che e' anche un bel film
ma mi ha fatto pensare e ragionare del bel paese
infatti ha spinto al superficio delle emozioni
che non mi sentivo da un bel po'
per un grande bel pezzo di tempo
non volevo vedere niente in tv
o film o musica del bel paese
mi faceva troppo male
e' sembrata un crudele ricordo di una cosa persa per sempre
so benissimo che sembrara melodrammatica
ma e' verissimo
poi
come succede a tante mali emozianali nella vita
pian piano e' dissipato
ovviamente ci sono stati degli momenti piu forte
per esempio quando ci sono tornato in vacanza
e appena dopo
o quando ho parlato con un amico al telefono
l'ha portato davanti agli occhi
pero
ieri sera quel filmino me l'ha fatto sentire, sul serio
le strade, i palazzi, le macchine, i bar, il mare, le case
il cibo, la gente (anche quando era ridicolo)
ma sopratutto le ragazze
sono belle, si
ma mi manca parlare, abbracciare, baciare
le parole scambiate, le mode da dire
che qualcuno mi chiamavo amore
o, mi ha detto, dai.. con un sorriso
ovviamente, non e' una cosa razionale
altrimente che mi centrarei?
mi ha provocato una melancholia fortissima
non e' che la vita di la' era perfetto
non per niente
e certo che i miei sentimenti sono romantici
e ci sono elementi fantastici
cio non lo rende meno valido...

sospiro profondo

Bushisms: The random wisdom of the president

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/interactive/2009/jan/09/bushism-random-generator


check out the guardians fab george bush quote generator!

everybody needs a home, boy

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Westbury Street, Swansea

A strange house indeed
not strange in the sense of its appearance
it was bog standard in that sense.
3 storey and kinda grim in the typical british sense
a white building without much character
with a square of dirt out the front
like all the other houses in the street
on the bottom floor there was the muscly welsh student dudes room
it was always locked
he had his weights on stuff
he was always in there studying
something rather serious like engineering i recall
or hanging with his girlfriend
then further on there was the anaemic 'living' room
squashed into a small quadrangle
with the even more anaemic kitchen hanging onto the back of it
up the stairs to the first floor
there were two bedrooms
one was occupied by james
he was from the same incy town as catherine
near far off bath
he was a student too
a good guy
but a little on the odd side
he used to play computer games a lot
then the little cupboard room
which lived in for a few months
twas tiny it was
enough room for a single bed and a few shelves
thats about it
i had my jarvis giving the bird poster
and some lovely if inefficient purple paisley blinds that ali made for me
the other bathroom was at the other end of the hall
then the top floor had just the owners room
cant remember his name
also a nice bloke
but decidedly odd
early thirties
he had bought the place and rented out the rooms to help with the mortgage
it had a rather strange environment
rather a sterile place
certainly without the homely touch
everybody kept pretty much to themselves
just the occasional awkward chat in the kitchen
i used to watch telly sometimes
sitting up late half drunk to watch beavis and butthead at 2am
it was probably only 15 mins walk from work and another 5 til the centre of town
a couple of pubs within a 5 minute walk
george used to live there
so what would you expect...?

Puoi dirlo forte!

• Martin Rowson
• The Guardian, Wednesday 7 January 2009

Nasty mother fucker israeli scumbags....with their filthy godblessamerican inc. backers and other western passive supporters...and tony fucking hypocrite blair... fuck you all

I'm a teenage lobotomy...

watched a documentary about lobotomies the other night
rally interesting
some blokeage with a god complex
of course he didnt invent them
but he was american so he MUST have
was convinced that he would be more famous than his dad or somebody
so his destiny guided him towards doing lobotagges in godblessamerica
now half the world sees him as a complete psycho nutmeg
about a quarter couldnt give a shite
and another bunch claim hes just fab
because at the time
in the 1940's or whatever
when everything was black and white
they used to just lock people up if they were a bit fruity
and then throw away the non proverbial key
so this bloke came up with the idea of hammering nails into their eyes or noses
or something
and basically removing bits of their frontal lobes
hence the name
or hacking away at important connections in the brain
it sure settled them down a bit
it made a lot of them pretty zombies
some people died
he ran around the east coast of godblessamerica inc.
and banged nails into anybody and everybody
even some wards of the state
he even did 70 plus lobots in one day
he was on his mission
to bring light to the dark minds of the fruity types
and give them back to their fams
or
was he just a fame seeking buttmunch?
eventually people got the crank with him on the east coast
so he had to bugger off the west coast
and started banging nails in to people all over again
but with the invention of anti depressants
he lost his gig
and nobody wanted to have their fam members nailed senseless any more
probably at least 60000 people got it done to them
poor fuckers
im sure it seemed like a good idea at the time
but it also goes to show that doctors et al dont deserve all that big unquestioning respect
there are plenty of maggoty ones out there
eg this bloke
at least it inspired a cool ramones song with profound lyrics..

Lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy!
DDT did a job on me
Now I am a real sickie
Guess I'll have to break the news
That I got no mind to lose
All the girls are in love with me
I'm a teenage lobotomy

definitive proof that steven gerrard is a twat...

A midfield kind of love

Is Steven Gerrard's love of Phil Collins the worst act of footballer fanship?

Steven Gerrard appeals to the Kop for a rendition of In The Air Tonight. Photograph: David Davies/PA

The true shocker about this week's nightclub fracas involving Steven Gerrard wasn't that one of England's squeakiest, cleanest footballers had become embroiled in such a mess, but that the rumble was apparently provoked by differences between the venue's music policy and the footballer's music taste. According to reports, everything kicked off when the DJ refused a request to play Gerrard's favourite record. And who can blame him, when said platter is Phil Collins's Greatest Hits? Gerrard's reputation may recover from the forthcoming court case, but surely Liverpool's finest midfielder will never live down the revelation that behind those stunning 30-yarders lurks a passion for Easy Lover.

Then again, footballers have long enjoyed dalliances with records that would have been crushed by oncoming traffic had they gone any closer to the middle of the road. In the 70s and 80s, stars would routinely answer Shoot magazine's "favourite artist?" question with the words "George Benson" without being red-carded. None other than former England captain Alan Shearer once attempted to cram an Abba reference into every interview during the 1998 World Cup. The Winner Takes It All must have been easy, but Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) would have been a challenge to work in to a conversation with Ray Stubbs. A recent album containing Chelsea players' favourite songs should cause the entire nation to hope they never win the title. After all, who would want to see Frank Lampard hoisting a trophy to the distant strains of Lionel Ritchie's Stuck On You, or (Joe Cole's selection) Spandau Ballet's Gold?

Footballers may be irredeemably drawn to mainstream, easily available back-of-the-taxi mush because they lead very different lives from normal people. From an early age, they are plucked from schools and placed in academies where talk is of block tackles, not Bloc Party. Often living in digs, the youngsters miss out on teenage delights of booze, late nights and punk rock. When I was interviewing players for Leeds United's club magazine, it amazed me how many had never even seen a gig. Some of the players had seen Westlife - but only because singer Nicky Byrne is a former Leeds United junior goalie. Those players who do display a keen interest in music tend to have arrived late to the game, after a regular adolescence. Former Nottingham Forest hardman Stuart Pearce - who is still seen proudly pogoing at punk gigs - was an electrician before he brought uproar to the Forest dressing room with tapes of the Stranglers and the Lurkers. The prince among Manilow refuseniks is former Chelsea and Scotland midfielder Pat Nevin, a fan of the Fall and Joy Division who once professed a liking for obscure Factory Records act Crispy Ambulance and who, legend holds, once asked to be subbed in a Chelsea reserve game so he could go to see the Cocteau Twins playing at the ICA. But such players are rare mavericks, seemingly spared the genetic makeup that ensures footballing talent is accompanied by a gene that makes a player susceptible to Kenny G.

These days, when even your grandmother is remotely cool, dressing rooms still vibrate to the safer end of credible music - Oasis, U2 and the Chili Peppers. In recent years, with the increase in players' wages and the consequent adoption of bling culture, rap and R&B have become staples in football clubs as well as nightclubs. Andrew Cole was a pioneer in this respect, even naming his son Devante after the singer in the US R&B group Jodeci. Some - including Rio Ferdinand and Kevin Campbell - have even started labels, although the latter's 2 Wikid imprint was barely heard of again after requiring an injunction to stop big signing Mark Morrison recording - for another label that is.

But after the disgrace that will now surely hound Steven Gerrard, perhaps players will be more discreet about their private passions. Certainly, they should think twice about uttering the words that should strike fear into the heart of any DJ: "Geezer! Got any Phil?"

Stolen from the www.guardian.co.uk

Dave Simpson 2/1/09

only good things i see

ooh 2009 will be great
really truly fab
it is even a bit hard to sit still thinking about how marvy it will be
bring it on 2009
there will be dancing girls
dancing around the place
there will be good tunes
with fab bands playing for free just around the corner
there will be good times
timing everywhere
there will be a friendzy frenzy
so many friends that i wont be able to see sky
there will be fammo whammo
lots of fam, all being cool and interesting
there will be lots of jobs that pay well on offer
a job here, a job there and big jobs at that
there will be optimal health, just stop me doing starjumps you fuckers
positively bursting at the seems with health
there will be world peace, man
everybody being super nice to eachother
there will be a lovefest, my lover
lots of love and loving up the trees
there will be an almighty understanding
i will understand you and he will understand thee
whats so funny about that?
there will be abundant sex for everybody
sex in satellites, sex in capsules and sex on toast
there will be drugs ahoy bending minds in all directions
good drugs, bad drugs and trippy drugs
in every orificer
there will be rock'n'roll at groovacious levels
rocking down the mountains and rolling over the seas
its what your body needs...
there will be streamers, streaming from the unknown skies above
stream around me my fiends
there will be whizz fizz, whizzing through you and betwixt us
whizzle thar and fizzle fiiii
there will be freddo frogs and all races and creeds
plippety plopping and flippety flopping
there will be barbituates to make us smile when we cant smile no more
in abundant wraps, endless foils, in blister packs, everyone to mine for a barbitchy...
and everybody will lurvvvv the birthday parties..

yesshshh missshta ishhzzzard...

2009 and a happy new anus

so its now 2009
so we should all be gaga about the new year machine
well firstly that can fuck off
I mean its purely abitrary..
maybe some jewish kid was born in ILLEGALY OCCUPIED land in the middle east
(fuck me, havent times changed?!!!)
roughly around then
so?
who gives a fuck?
humans have been all kinds of stuff for hundreds of thousands of years!
with all kinds of objects being worshipped by all kinds of suckers
and so it was that this particular crock had great sales people
so now we have to put up with christian fuckheads
popes, smug fools nearby and general wankers sadly not being run over by large machines
and these christians
(who can fuck off btw)
have stopped human development and enlightenment with any means possible
usually with oppression, death and malice
to hang desperately on to the power they so crave
for closing on 2000 fucking years
so thanks a fucking lot
lets celebrate the birth of an illegal, racialist peasant
who caused hundreds of millions of deaths
and continues to do so today..
so happy new wotsit
as of some howsit
so lets all do the whosit in a circle
and throw whensits at the sacred whysit
........................................................................................................................................................................

another reason to fucking hate the malign, racist and bogus entity that is israel

Israel's onslaught on Gaza is a crime that cannot succeed

The US-backed attempt to bring Hamas to heel by overwhelming force is in fact more likely to boost the movement's appeal

The Guardian, Tuesday 30 December 2008

Israel's decision to launch its devastating attack on Gaza on a Saturday was a "stroke of brilliance", the country's biggest selling paper Yediot Aharonot crowed: "the element of surprise increased the number of people who were killed". The daily Ma'ariv agreed: "We left them in shock and awe".

Of the ferocity of the assault on one of the most overcrowded and destitute corners of the earth, there is at least no question. In the bloodiest onslaught on blockaded Gaza since it was captured and occupied by Israel 41 years ago, at least 310 people were killed and more than a thousand reported injured in the first 48 hours alone.

As well as scores of ordinary police officers incinerated in a passing-out parade, at least 56 civilians were said by the UN to have died as Israel used American-supplied F-16s and Apache helicopters to attack a string of civilian targets it linked to Hamas, including a mosque, private homes and the Islamic university. Hamas military and political facilities were mostly deserted, while police stations in residential areas were teeming as they were pulverised.

As Israeli journalist Amos Harel wrote in Ha'aretz at the weekend, "little or no weight was apparently devoted to the question of harming innocent civilians", as in US operations in Iraq. Among those killed in the first wave of strikes were eight teenage students waiting for a bus and four girls from the same family in Jabaliya, aged one to 12 years old.

Anyone who doubts the impact of these atrocities among Arabs and Muslims worldwide should switch on the satellite television stations that are watched avidly across the Middle East and which - unlike their western counterparts - do not habitually sanitise the barbarity meted out in the name of multiple wars on terror.

Then, having seen a child dying in her parent's arms live on TV, consider what sort of western response there would have been to an attack on Israel, or the US or Britain for that matter, which left more than 300 dead in a couple of days.

You can be certain it would be met with the most sweeping condemnation, that the US president-elect would do a great deal more than "monitor" the situation and the British prime minister go much further than simply call for "restraint" on both sides.

But that is in fact all they did do, though the British government has since joined the call for a ceasefire. There has, of course, been no western denunciation of the Israeli slaughter - such aerial destruction is, after all, routinely called in by the US and Britain in occupied Iraq and Afghanistan.

Instead, Hamas and the Palestinians of Gaza are held responsible for what has been visited upon them. How could any government not respond with overwhelming force to the constant firing of rockets into its territory, the Israelis demand, echoed by western governments and media.

But that is to turn reality on its head. Like the West Bank, the Gaza Strip has been - and continues to be - illegally occupied by Israel since 1967. Despite the withdrawal of troops and settlements three years ago, Israel maintains complete control of the territory by sea, air and land. And since Hamas won the Palestinian elections in 2006, Israel has punished its 1.5 million people with an inhuman blockade of essential supplies, backed by the US and the European Union.

Like any occupied people, the Palestinians have the right to resist, whether they choose to exercise it or not. But there is no right of defence for an illegal occupation - there is an obligation to withdraw comprehensively. During the last seven years, 14 Israelis have been killed by mostly homemade rockets fired from the Gaza Strip, while more than 5,000 Palestinians were killed by Israel with some of the most advanced US-supplied armaments in the world. And while no rockets are fired from the West Bank, 45 Palestinians have died there at Israel's hands this year alone. The issue is of course not just the vast disparity in weapons and power, but that one side is the occupier, the other the occupied.

Hamas is likewise blamed for last month's breakdown of the six-month tahdi'a, or lull. But, in a weary reprise of past ceasefires, it was in fact sunk by Israel's assassination of six Hamas fighters in Gaza on 5 November and its refusal to lift its siege of the embattled territory as expected under an Egyptian-brokered deal. The truth is that Israel and its western sponsors have set their face against an accommodation with the Palestinians' democratic choice and have instead thrown their political weight, cash and arms behind a sustained attempt to overthrow it.

The complete failure of that approach has brought us to this week's horrific pass. Israeli leaders believe they can bomb Hamas into submission with a "decisive blow" that will establish a "new security environment" - and boost their electoral fortunes in the process before Barack Obama comes to office.

But as with Israel's disastrous assault on Lebanon two years ago - or its earlier siege of Yasser Arafat's PLO in Beirut in 1982 - it is a strategy that cannot succeed. Even more than Hezbollah, Hamas's appeal among Palestinians and beyond doesn't derive from its puny infrastructure, or even its Islamist ideology, but its spirit of resistance to decades of injustice. So long as it remains standing in the face of this onslaught, its influence will only be strengthened. And if it is not with rockets, its retaliation is bound to take other forms, as Hamas's leader Khalid Mish'al made clear at the weekend.

Meanwhile, the US and Israeli-backed Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas has been further diminished by being seen as having colluded in the Israeli assault on his own people - as has the already rock-bottom credibility of the Egyptian regime. What is now taking place in the Palestinian territories is a futile crime in which the US and its allies are deeply complicit - and unless Obama is prepared to change course, it is likely to have bitter consequences that will touch us all.

s.milne@guardian.co.uk

2008 A YEAR IN REVIEW

it wasnt too shabby...

dungholes, bangholes and bumholes

CORNHOLIO: WHATEVER THE WINNER IS, HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE...

whats your favourite?
surveys across several nations show an alarming trend
29% of all adults surveyed prefered bangholes
82% of all females surveyed preferred dungholes
only 7% of people under 180 cms preferred bumbholes
interestingly,
85% of people surveyed claimed not to have a bunghole
whereas 54% claimed to have dungholes
35% refused to comment on their bangholes
and
in the southern hemisphere
44% of those surveyed thought that bangholes were superior to bangholes
whereas 29% had postcards of dungholes on their fridges
51% said that they vote with their feet, not their bungholes
compared to the northern hemisphere
where 72% said they would cross the road to avoid a dunghole
and 4% said they would cross the road to get to a dunghole
and 31% assumed they had never met any
alarmingly
72% far east asians saw no problems with bangholes running their countries
saying it was better than that pack of dungholes on the other side
105% of pet owners felt that bumholes cause spotted dick
a view shared by only 13% of non pet owners
when faced with the following.
my love is like a red, red dunghole/banghole/bumhole
most surveyed went to the lavatory to have reflect on it
only 25% returned and of those
402% said that red was wildly innacurate
19% said they had made a medical appointment
and 33.3% preferred trotsky
on a nation by nation basis
bangholes were found to be far preferred by italians
dungholes enormous favourites with the english
and bumholes were enormous favourites in suburban areas of australia
the japanese vacillated (enthusiastically) between banguhorrus and dunguhorrus
west papuans preferred to put bones in any of them with no particular preferences
french speaking nations refused to participate because every time an attempt was made to translate the terms 'frenchmen all' arose on monitors
strangely, despite not being present on the list of options
bungholes won overwhelmingly in godblessamerica.inc

shut up, cricks on the radio

theres been quite a bit of crick around of late
i dont know where my hairnet is either
crick on the telly
and crick on the radio
funny old game that crick
especially the one that goes on and on and on
and that italians think is ridiculous
coz it goes on and on and on and on
four five days! for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
to sit and watch on the telly its mostly boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and you cant just sit there and listen to the radio
coz most of the time
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
the people just bang on about random stuff
but they at least have a little dignity
except for that bloke who laughs at his own jokes
who isnt annoying after all
its kind of relaxing
the smatter of patter
the background noise
the clappage
the appeals
the willow on leather bull
its all kind of comforting
and completely summer in osstraya
communque its boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
but you just want to know whats going on
its like some kind of very lightweight drug
you have to know whats going on
and when the stuff does actually happen
its just after you get fed up and bog off
or just before you come back to it
even at the cricket in a kick arse big stadium
surrounded by loads of people
its pretty boring
its fun to be there
but its boring
and once again
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and stuff only happens when you give up to go for a wazz
or to queue for rubbish food that costs too much
and you hear the roar from up the stairs and around the corner

why boxing day?

in certain parts of the world
the day after ahem 'christ'mas
is called boxing day
because everybody stands about and punches the crap out of each other
very primitive indeed these anglo traditions
in more civilized nations they have far more useful things to do on the 26th of december
in iran its repression day
in godblessamerica inc. its shooting black people day
in somalia its go hungry again day
in ecuador its bunghole day
in nigeria its stalk catherine day
in china its agree with the government day
in canadia its bryan adams pimple day
in ukraine its stand around freezing your arse off day
in thailand its dont slag the king off day
in spain its thththhththt double ththththt day
in scotland its get really drunk and incomprehensible day
in zimbabwe its do as i say or die day
in israel its be arseholes to the indigenous people day
in japan its rewrite the history books day
in colombia its do a few lines day
in jamaica its get high and stabbed day
in any of the stans its ignore russia and hope it goes away day
in new zealand its prattle on about rugby day
in brazil stay out of the favelas day
in russia its one party system day
in ireland its the catholic church sucks day
in morocco its lets steal our neighbours land day
in cuba its isnt fidel still honestly great day
in venezuela its when the fuck will chavez shut up day
in iceland its wha wha happened to the money day
in north korea its when will that prick die day
in rwanda its just dont mention the GENOCIDE day

the 12 days of shitemas

on the first day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nothing coz she aint real

on the second day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the third day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the fourth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the fifth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the sixth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the seventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the eighth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the ninth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the tenth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the eleventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the twelfth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
12 episodes of big brother
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickelback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real...

Portfolio eye view of the world - Z

Z
Zambia
Just to the north of zimbabwe in over thar from malawi is zambia, or zam as the funky folk call it. In fact the border that divides it and zimbabwe is the ZAMBeze river-coincidence? And part of that border are the smoke that thunders, the victoria falls, which kick arse and are a fab place to hurl yourself off a bridge with a rubber band attached to yer leg. The capital of Zambia is lusaka and i nearly missed the truck there, faffing about in a market.
travel advice-probably a better place to see vic falls from than over the river, and dont faff too much at markets

Zimbabwe
what no rhodesia? dammit. Zimbabwe is mysteriously on the other side of the zambezi from zambia. It took them ages to get rid of the white fuckers and that lead to a government of corrupt black fuckers led by one mugabe. He has taken zim from being the bread basket of africa, to being the toilet of africa. which sucks arse coz its a truly beautiful place.
travel advice-ahhhhhh forgeddaabowtttit! you wanna die or wot?

Portfolio eye view of the world - Y

Y
Yemen
I know a girl from yemen and its enough to make me right cranky. Yemen is pretty much the southern tip of the arabian peninsula, which bodes badly for not being a shit, backwards, sexist, racist shit tip. women cannot drive cars, most women cannot work, women must marry who they are told, as usual with these islamic ountries they have no rights. Well just fuck off. The capital sanaa has some fab looking buildings that look like they are made of gingerbread.
travel advice-before you even think about it, consider its the home of the bin laden family and read the book 'sold' about how well they treat people.

Portfolio eye view of the world - X

X

har har!

Portfolio eye view of the world - W

W
Western Sahara
WS should be a nation on the north western atlantic coast of africa. But its not, and why not? well its because of the dodgy moroccan fuckers who want to claim it, without any good reason.
travel advice-go there and send the king of morocco a postcard telling to fuck off.

Wales
Wales, Galles, Cymru and all that jazz. Wales is well cool, so cool that i decided to live there and go back and visit when i can. They have slate mountains, great mountains (apparently), and pretty coastlines. They also have whacky people, too much rugby, lots of beer and fucking stewwwwwwwwwwdents. Prince Chaz isnt really the king of wales, thats tom jones. It only has a population of a few million but the language is still happening despite the english saesnegs trying to kill it off. acher vee and dim smuggy! and long live pbly cym. Notable welsh people include Vegas Bob, Jobo, Lisebo, Tom Jones, that old bird that sings and dylan thomas.
travel advice-getting drunk is very fun in wales, but do try to see some nature instead of getting legless every bloody minute (like i heard some people do...)

dont get your way rads mixed up with your bulk rads or your gnarli rads

and hang on to your bunghole...

I heard it from my friends about the things she said...

she said...
i like tricycles
you are beige
legs dont speak
arent isnt aint
it isnt enough to be gruff
bubble spit splat
no cars go
noses are nose go zones
does my horse look big in this?
im late for work
byzantine labyrinth vivsections
how can i help you?
oh shut it
goddam blue beetles
no no no beanbags seat 2
americans float his bot
get some social
oh youuuu guys
its gone
next time you leave close the door solid like!

she sure does bang on a bit and i have i no idea why they want to tell me about it

Portfolio eye view of the world - V

V
Vanuatu
Hmm, yes thats vanuatu, not ththanuatu as its known in ththpain. Vanuatu is another island in the souf pacific like and became interesting a couple of years ago because a richard bransons beard started flying there from osstraya. It must have been great news for the tourism industry and everything was most probably quite lovely. Then something bad happend, really bad, beavis went there with leon. They lunched all over the place, underwater, on top of volcanoes and drank kava. Just when it looked as if things were looking up, camel squared went their and showed his wang to everybody
travel advice-dont whatever you do admit to knowing beavis, chemical weapons retaliation is on the cards if you do.

Vatican City
of just fuck off. the vatican is NOT a country, its just a little bit of stolen land run by lying, stealing, murdering fucking pricks with dresses on. the catholic church. I fucking hate the catholic church, they can fuck right off and give that bit of rome back to the bel paese. Notable residents- kiddie fiddlers, torturers, mass murderers and just plain big fucking scam artists
travel advice-firebomb selectively, there is some good art there

Venezuela
Venezuela is a very interesting place indeed. It has ridiculously fab caribbean beaches, fuckoff enormous andean mountains, the highest waterfall on the planet and cheap beer. It was founded by Simon Bolivar-the liberator of the five countries (not to be confused with Simon Portfolio-liberator of the five chickens) and still hasnt got over it. the currency is the bolivar as is half the other stuff around. Due to bad luck, they also have one of the biggest buttholes as president and he is successfully squandering huge amounts of oil money on not much. It must be the most expensive country in latin america except for petrol which is cheaper than milk. Notable Venezuelans include, Vanessa and family and lots of other nice people i met. THTHHTHTHTTH alert, mark 14.
travel advice-take loads of us dollars and change them on the black market, dont spend it all on portugese giblets and getting drunk with catherine in brixton.

Vietnam
Vietnam isnt a real country, it was made up by godlbessamericans inc. film makers. Nah just kidding you are a great reader! it is indochina next to china, laos and cambodia. Apparently its really fab and i would love it. I used to work with a vietnamese guy called dark helmet. After the french fucked off the reds wanted some action so they had some biffo and the godlbessamericans came in and they LOST! Except for Rambo of course, he won. things were grim so lots of people got boats the hell out of there and many came to osstraya.
travel advice- eat, drink and be hairy.

Come see magical lapland winter wonderland! in the new forest Dorset, England...

admire the graceful reindeer...
see the savage huskies chained to their err boxes...
gaze in awe at the touching nativity scene..

And it only costs 25 pounds a head!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/7758112.stm
Click on the pictures to see real entertainment brilliance at work

now this is brilliant, its better than kryal castle, wobbies world, mini europe, coal creek korrumburra and pissweak world combined at twice the combined price!
a shafting for all the family...

you're a human sacrifice to the goddess of vice

aye those were the daze..
steves gnarli beard machine, looking slick in his purple
marty without his bandido beard looky v pretty and swaying his guitar about...
koppes looking kinda koppesish cool in his reserved way
and jaydee doouuuouughghghgherty with his pony tail
and how about those wavy arm things... cool...
brilliant... watch this and try not to stay fashionable!

a whole lot of nothing

simon wants me to write him a blog on everything i am going to buy him for christmas.....

Portfolio eye view of the world-U

U
Uganda
Is a pretty funky name for a country dont you think? Uganda is very central africa and sits on one side of lake victoria, named after that famous african king, victoria. It was also the home of internationally famous nutbag, idi amin. Mr amin managed to take over the country, go completely insane and kill everybody he could, possibly the best value in the psycho dictator shoppe today. I was once on a plane that was going to uganda, but i escaped in a balloon during the carter regime. Uganda wasnt so lucky when armyvis was in the area, calling it a most unnatural disaster.
travel advice-go see the gorrillas in the pissed, if you know what i mean.

Ukraine
Thats Ukraine, not The Ukraine like some buttmunches keep on about, how would they like it if everybody went around banging on about the australia or the britain. so shut up. Ukraine was until recently part of the ussr and a large percentage of the population are russians, so much so that they dont even speak ukranian. (at least thats what a dancing chick in hurghada told me). The capital is kiev and isnt stuffed wth creamy sauce. I got quite close to ukraine once but decided slovakia was whacky enuff for me. In recent times Ukraine managed to piss off the russian bastards who tried to poison their leader with their orange flavoured revolution and got some democracy and now want to be european and nato flavoured. They may need some luck with keeping the kremlin outta town, see georgia. and how about chernobyl and radioactive lollipops? yes, that is in ukraine too.
travel advice-the expression christ on a bike should NOT be applied to beavis on his way to work

United Arab Emirates
known around the wild streets as the uae. so they are united and they are emirates and they are generally pretty arab, three of my favourite adjectives. I think there are 12 of these little camel molesting bits of sand that should be of no importance of all, but they found oil so now they are all over the place and wah wah wah. The two richest, abu dabi and dubai have gone out into the international supermarket of stuff and bought airlines, football clubs, ridiculously tall buildings, racing tracks, theme parks and islands made of sand that look like palm leaves. They are NOT democracies and being arabic, the women are second class, dont believe the hype, they can go and make in a culo.
travel advice-just fucking leave it out wont you?!!

Godblessamerica inc.
Oh dear, you kind of need a whole blog to talk about godblessamerica inc. they modestly named themselves the united states of america, ignorting the fact that they took up less than a tenth of the land mass of the americas and there are 20 or so other american states. godblessamerica inc. is currently the biggest kid on the planetary block and has a habit of being a bunghole, causing death and mayhem anywhere on the planet you care to name. Only 14 percent of godblessamericans have passports, so that says pretty much all you need to know. The country was formed by english religious lunatics and hasnt progressed much. Basically the nation could be summed up as gun shagging, bible humping racist ignorant twats. They became the main world dominators during the century of mass communication, so coca cola, nike, starbucks, mcdonalds, basketball caps and britney spears are bloody everywhere
travel advice-i would rather eat my boots after dipping them in goat shit and arsenic pudding than go to godblessamerica inc again.

Uruguay
its the other guay, just across the river plata from buenos aires. Uruguay isnt up to much these days, they have a pretty good football team, they have gum trees and theres that movie 'alive' about uruguyan rugby players snacking on eachother bottoms. the capital is montevideo which sounds like something particularly pervy involving making love to beavis's videa to me. Even the biggest bogan ignorant australians have now heard of uruguay after we beat them in the world cuppy wuppy play off match. Which caused no end of trauma for urugugugugugyans coz they believed they had a 'divine right' to go to the world cup finals, being hosts of the first ever one and twice winning the whole shebang. Large thththththht warning.
travel advice-if you cant feel your legs, you have taken too many drugs and should stop driving.

Uzbekistan
One of the stanniest of the stan family. Uzbekistan has trees and mountains but no lemurs. Central asia, former ussr, blah blah blah. notable uzbekis include err the president of uzebekistan.
travel advice-you can walk there from south africa if you really, really want to.

this blog and the universe

this is the known universe...
what does it have in common with this blog?
well.. they are both out 'there' in big and indefineable places ...
AND the search for intelligent life forms out 'there' goes on...
sending out messages into the nothingness.. waiting for some kind of coherent response...
so far it is Universe 0: My Blog 0
sospiro profondo

interestingvis

man that beavis bloke is fascinating
no matter what he does
its always reviting
i cant tear my eyes off him
he bats an eyelid
and i am amazed
he is forever up to interesting things
sometimes he makes food in the kitchen
its brilliant
i sit there on the cold floor peering up
desperately trying to see what hes doing
the other night he was playing with his bike machine
i just sat there and gazed on
the other day he was blowing bubbles
i couldnt help myself but watch
even when some came a bit close to me
and i freaked out a bit
then there was the time when he was playing with an air pump
i sat there on the carpet and watched on
the rude fucker even blew air at me
which i hated
but i came back for more
i watched on from a safer distance
sometimes he does stuff in his herb pots
you wouldnt believe how riveting that can be
i can sit there on the bbq and observe for hours
occasionally at the weekend i sit on his lap
and he scratches my chin
which makes me stare away at him without blinking
when he throws a silver ball of foil along the ground
i am helpless to resist it
i hurl myself after it with abandon
oftentimes during the day
i hang out in his house
waiting for him to come home and be interesting
i have to humour this other bloke
who is such a bore compared to beavis
how does he do it?
what will his next trick be?
is there no end to his intrigue?

Portfolio eye view of the world T - Part 2

T
Trinidad and Tobago
That is two T's in one go, not bad and I didn't even have to do the dodgy myself, they did it for me. They are two islands in the caribbean just off the coast of venezuela. They play a bit of cricket and they put up with planeloads of europeans coming to lounge around on their beaches, drink their beer and be generally superior. I nearly flew there to get to venezuela, as trinidad is only a few hours and 200 fucking us dollars away. notable t&tians include dwight yorke who is a big football playing slut.
travel advice-get the ferry there from venezueala if you wish, but take you shafty credit card.

Tunisia
Bleagh. Tunisia is erik's beloved land of joy, he simply cannot get enough of tunisia and tunisians in particular and little tunisians boys specifically. It is on the north coast of africa (noted homeland of all things civilized) and probably the most grown up of the maghrebi countries, in that they dont try to kill westerners for being westerners. It really is a piffling little country but they somehow manage to send waves of backward bungholes to italy to annoy everybody with load crap music (eg my bloody next door neighbour) It was also the home lf carthage, a once mighty civilization that the romans didnt like so the destroyed it, razed it to the ground and killed EVERYBODY. that showed hannibal and his elephants who was boss. they also have a mysteriously good football team.
travel advice-throw things at daniele and then look at the thingy where they shot a bit of star wars.

Turkey
gobble gobble. Turkey came out of the ashes of the ottoman empire, an empire entirely of comfy foot resting machines that kicked large lumps out of europe for a bit. the last big act of the ottomans was to commit GENOCIDE on the armenians and lie about it to this very day. Befoer that it was capital of the eastern part of the roman empire. Istanbul to Constantinople to Istanbul to Constantinople. These days it is trying to be a sensible country but is being held back by all the islamic nutters around. It is trying to be a bridge between europe and asia and join the EU ?!!Catherine lived there for a bit and so did Emma but she got all pregnant and had to go home. There are lots of cool turks around, notably ones that came to play in salisbury. notable turks include that writer bloke who had the balls to talk about the GENOCIDE, attaturk the founder of the state for insisting that religion and state MUST be kept seperate and Ece.
travel advice-the bleaches sound fab as do the big mosque machines (to look at as ARCHAIC relics only)

Turkmenistan
Is a stan. With turks in it, so probably a remnant of the ottoman empire. Not to be confused is Stanistanistan, the mother of all Stans, including Stan (d) in the place where you were...
travel advice-say hi to 3 guys called Stan for me

Tuvalu
Tuvalu is an island in the south pacific, it is small unlike greenland which is big, and an island in the north atlantic. The main source of income is selling their suffix for the internerd; TV.
notable tuvaluans include trevor, trellis and trevis tuvalu
travel advice-dont take a gun onboard the plane, people will look at you funny

Portfolio eye view of the world T - Part 1

T
Tajikistan
One of my favourite stans, right up their with stanislaw from poland via scotland and northcote, stan the man longanidis, stan lazaridis, stanley knife and stan stan he's our man, if he cant do it a no one can. Central asia, probably and unfortunately islamic and former ussr victims. The capital is dushanbe which is was made famous in spies like us when dan akyroyd and bill murray were looking for the road to it...
travel advice-advance your feet in that familiar left foot-right foot combination until you get to the road to dushanbe

Tanzania
no, its not pronounced tanZANIA, as much fun as that would be. tanzania is pretty cool all things considered, they have the biggest mountain in africa (maybe) mt kilimanjaro which i saw over thar once. They also have the ngorgoro crater which is completely bulk ace and lots of giraffes wombling about the place. It consists of tanganyika and zanzibar (which is really, truly fab), ha, i bet you didnt know that!
travel advice-go look at all the groovy animals and err watch broken arrow on the ferry to zanzibar. (where summer days are hot)

Thailand
At the moment thailand is really pretty dire, protests and handgrenades and pharangs locked up in bagners airport. they also have a corrupt regime, and a stupid islamist insurgency down south. More groovily, catherine lived their for a bit and i went to visit her. it was a way posh place with a big swimmy poolly, pretty porcelain doll thai girls, enormous wankers australian expats and proper hot chilli dishes that wanna hard men gringos nearly have their heads blown off. It is also famous for elephants and temples and pervy perv shows. Formerly known as siam, it was the only country is that part of asia not to be colonised, which maybe explains their contempt for pharangs, which really is a bit rich. (it must be true coz catherine told me so)
travel advice-dont go there til the airport opens again, it would bite the big one at present.

Tibet
its a bloody country! dont believe the maggoty han chinese with their horrid scummy attempts to legitimise their annexing of tibet. they can go make in an arse!
notable tibetans include the daily llama and the bloke from the beastie boys.
travel advice/challenge - tell a chinese person to get the fuck out of tibet and stay alive...

Togo
Not to be confused with tojo, who never made it to, never made it to, never made it to .. darwin. Togo is a country, not a warmongering japanese admiral fucker. Its most likely in west africa, coz i dont know where it is. Emanual adebeyor is from there and he is a brill footballer who plays for arsenal. Famous togoians-not tojo
travel advice-travel is good, travel is golden, travel can be done in the back of a holden

Tonga
Tis in the south pacific, near samoa probably and i went there when i was very short. They still have a monarchy and lots of groovy traditions about sitting in circles with funky kit on. They also export many of their thugs called tuali to australia to terrorise innocent people in high schools and stand around out the front of pubs and clubs looking monolithic.
travel advice-dont pick fights in tonga unless you want your head removed and shoved up you arse.

fun with stereotypes! the great new game from bunghole brothers

from whacky chinese peasants planting their seeds olympically and now time for loony arabs sandle surfin on the highway... what next an english person eating bangers and mash from their bowler hat? the fun never ends with the bunghole brothers!

whats going on here?

the blog has kind of dragged to a halt in the last few days
after the sterling regularity at the start of the month
going at a post a day
it has petered out
(what did peter ever do to deserve that verb?)
i am sure that there have been riots in the streets of rio de janiero
public unrest in koln
and some bloke falling out of a tree in logan
because of the lack of information, titillation, slander and rubbish flowing from this blog
people flocking trafalgar square in london
chanting 'we have heard of the limebeaver'
'we hang on his every utterance'
'whats going on here?'
well what do you expect? they are canadians...
i imagine particularly in religious type nations the papers are demanding to know what happened
the saudi female genital mutilators must be perplexed
the israelis are pausing briefly between persecution of palestinians
the vatican between campaiging to stop condoms in aids ridden africa must be at a standstill
the godbothering televangelists in darkest most ignorant godblessamerica inc.
the afghani taliban stopping temporarily their jihad for a quick look on their i phones
how can they possibly carry on with limebeaver news
wankers
the ecuadorians in rome carefully putting their baseball caps at stupid angles
the gypsies in slovakia loitering on trains 'brushing into' people
the peruvians in cuzco sneering and scamming at the tourists
the filthy rich few in lagos, nigeria in their humvees dining out on caviar with shell executives
the maroccans in valencia coming up with another great idea to kill masses
the snooty inbred 'lended gentry' in buckinghamshire totting at their pimms
the kim jong most ill cronies in pyong yang stealing aid from the starving
the evil arab government in sudan plotting more ethnic cleansing
the morons in the phillipines demanding an islamic caliphate for all of south east asia
the mugabe-ites in harare beating, stabbing and killing their opponents
the weapons salesmen in london, paris, moscow and beijing merrily flogging weapons in bidding wars to any tyrant who asks
the corrupt 'communist' leaders in beijing destroying the people of tibet
the wilfully pig ignorant japanese government continuing their 'scientific' sushi whaling for phony 'traditions'
the army in rangoon oppressing an entire nation because they feel like it
the jewish lobbyists in washington ensuring that news of israels disgraceful activities never see they light of day in the press
the white trash policeman in the torres strait islands beating indiginous people for fun
the indonesian army chiefs that orchestrated massacres in dili, west papua and ambon because people wanted their country back
the canadian sealers that club baby seals to death to make pretty coats
the loggers that are decimating the brazilian amazon to make toothpicks
the kgb agents in moscow assassinating journalists who dare ask questions
the mainland ecuadorians who illegally relocated to the galapagos islands and are destroying the ecosystem
the mexican drug lords murdering policemen and civilians who try to stop their workd
the chippy new zealanders who made death threats against a kiwi sailor working for the 'enemy' in the americas cup
the hindu psychopaths destroying muslim sites in india
the hordes of 'teachers' brainwashing millions of muslim children in madrassas to hate all over the world
and john howard...
all cry in one united voice 'oh limebeaver where art thou, you cunt?"

the chinese peasant olympics... yeah, really

it's funny coz they are different....

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=5VJvAJEI7Qw

and because they are buttnuggets...
check out these gripping events, seed planting, tyre pushing and four legged team sprints...

Portfolio eye view of the world - S part 5

S

Suriname

Suriname is on the north eastern part of south america, near strawberry guyana, french guyana and a few other flavours of guyana.  Suriname had a bloke who swam at the olympics whose name was anthony nesty.  They may well have been a dutch colony, or not depending on how you like your goat flakes in the morning.  Maybe they even speak phlegmish! Famous people include anthony nesty who was crap at swimming.

travel advice-get an interview with anthony nesty or if he's not available try for anthony nasty

Swaziland

Like its brother/sister dodgy state Lesotho, Swaziland is a joke country.  Two bits of south africa picked out for fuck nose what reason to be their own nation. Poor black people not getting up to much coz they live in silly bit of earth fenced off because of?

travel advice-whats the fucking point? go to a proper country like madagascar instead

Sweden

Now that is a proper country! home to the vikings that kicked arse through russia all the way to the volga river and down to the black sea.  Hell they even gave Russia its name! Marten is from Sweden and he is hilarious and not bad at football.  They have the prettiest population on earth, everybody is very handsome and Sweden has some good ideas about a welfare state. I spent a 6 months savings in a week or so in goteburg trying to keep up with marten and destroy my liver.  Stockholm is beautiful and very cool coz  both Steve and Marty from the church lived there.

travel advice-dont go in the winter unless you want your nadgers/ovaries frozen off

Switzerland

its famous for being neutral, during centuries of biffo the schweiss have stayed safely put behind their formidable mountains.  they arent part of the EU and are very happy with that.  The country is gorgeous with groovy  lakes and mountains and the like.  There are more banks than people eating more chocolate than swiss army clocks, or some such rubbish.  If you go up Mt Younglady on the groovy train machine there is a cool ice museum, made out of ice!  The country is made of cantons but dont serve chinese food and there are french, german, romansch and italian speaking communities. Notable citizens include, Einstein and George's Dad.

travel advice-beware of inscriptions claiming keith 'putting it in deep' in interlaken, this is utterly unverifiable

 

Syria

Axis of evil? trousers of terror? big bad guys with moustaches?  Whatever the terminology of the day syria are uncool according the godblessamerica inc. , so they must be evil!  Their government played a part in blowing up people in Lebanon, coz they reckon that lebanon should be theirs, and they might just have a point there.  They are of course, an islamic state so they are daft and backwards and they keep funding Hamas and islamic jihad nutters to blow up israel and wotnot. (which is not necessarily unreasonable).  

travel advice-it may well be full of fab historical stuff, but i would rather chop off your ears and call them Brandy than go there.

a flowered ukelele and a singer songwriterix

i went to a kiddly party just the other day

apparently it wasnt that kiddly after all

it did seem very kiddly to me at the time

allegedly there were only 6 kiddlies

but it really did seem as if there were at least twice that number

there was little miss birthday pants

who had turned four

looking very smart in what i called a frock

and a badge proclaiming 'birthday princess'

in case somebody missed out on it

there was her little sister

who ran around and around and around

and tried to do what she did 

but only ever really managed half of it

there was a boy who didnt have a nappy

he was rather energetic 

and a boy who had a nappy who was less so

and looked eerily like a bloke i once knew

then there was the singer-songwriterix

who luuuuved being the centre of attention

she had one of those echo microphones

and was writing songs about ponies and the beach

and loving and happy birthday

she was really rather good

but did go on a bit

in the end i slowed her down by demanding songs about motorbikes and explosions

then there was the other girl

who was really young and dribbly

there were also parents of these pairs of things

that seem to also come in pairs

who stand around admiring/admonishing/cleaning these creatures

it really is a different world

like going behind a ....

scary door

i got the birthday one a pink ukelele with flowers on it

great present i say

she wasnt to good at holding it the right way

but she was getting into it

i had a hangover and was having a problem getting into it

not in the mood for kiddly shouting and small talk

apparently kiddly parties often have 15 or more kiddlies attending 

how fucking horrendous!

but the kiddlies seemed to have fun

they ran around

they hit a big number four with a stick

they sang and strummed

they were read stories

they played policeman and hairdresser victims with dogs in their knees

they ate lots of sweeties, sweetie

there was two sittings at the table

the kiddly one and then a grownuppy one

since when the fuck am i a grown up?

In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of Wales devised the ultimate plan...

They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TAFFINATOR' ...



Stolen from the welsh legends at www.taffwars.com

Portfolio eye view of the world - S Part 4

S
Somalia
Black Hawk Down, that is pretty much all that most people know about somalia. At least it has the horn, the horn of africa, thats a pretty big horn. These days Somalia is a basket case, run by nobody in particular and half of any group of maggots with guns. Ayaan Hirsi Ali came from Somalia and wrote a couple of corker books about it and now islamic nutters want to blow her up. It is also home to loads of pirates who do over any old boat trying to get to the red sea.
Travel advice-go there by all means if you want to be robbed, shot, stabbed, raped, oppressed and/or killed

South Africa
It is that bit at the bottom of Africa, in the southern most area, hence the imaginative name. The land of the zulus and mandiba man. The dutch and english squabbled over it in colonial times and the english won, but the descendants of the dutch stuck around and were generally very racist rednecked arses and watched shit games likes rugby. The honkies oppressed the blacks until recently and fucked with anybody who didnt like it, including mandiba man who is a legend car. Bits of the world boycotted south africa except kim hughes, which was smart. The largest city is Johnnesburg which is one of the murder capitals of the world, as the lady at the info desk in the bus station told us, 'you can go out those doors, but you might not come back'. The nature is fab, a beautiful coast, gnarli rad game parks with wicked animals and big mountainy bits.
Travel advice-the pretty bits are great, but stick to them and there are cool wallaby type animals on top of table mountain.

Spain
thththhththththtpain is on the iberian peninsula and they speak ththhthththtpanish. The other bit is portugal where they speak zjzjzjzjzjzjzj. Spain was once incredibly powerful and ran most of the americas, by way of murdering all the locals and stealing all the gold. Unfortunately they also left behind their language too. Spain also had those fab inquisitions in the name of the catholic church and we all know how lovely that was. At least they have a rich tradition in the arts, Picasso, Gaudi, Goya and a lot more. Beware certain parts of spain where you might get hassled by drunken red brits or other bits were you might get blown up by basque separatists (who have a point). I spent the end of the millenium in basquelandia with streamers, mushrooms and dear friends and wished everybody a happy new anus.
travel advice-practice your thththth before you go and try not to wish people happy new anus.

Sri Lanka
Ceylon no more. It looks a bit like india is crying and sri lanka is that tear. it just sort of sits below the subcontinent and it sounds pretty cool to me. The Tamil folk in the north are pretty cranky and constantly blowing stuff up coz they want the ir own bit of turf and the sri lankans are mad about cricket. The tea is supposed to be very good there and kamahl is from there, but not limahl. Most excitingly, Jehovis's mum is from there and she was doing okay until she met some big haired git.
travel advice-ride an elephant, swim in the ocean just dont mention the wart

Sudan
There are a lot of sudanese refugees, that pretty much tells a story. The government is run by the usual racist islamic scumbags who are happy to murder their fellow sudanese muslims because they are black. Utter, utter filth. In the north-eastern africa shit has been going down for a long time but these guys take the cake and some lobster too.
travel advice-eat your own boots, and your feet too if necessary to stop being shipped there.