robbage gets crankage

stolen from the south wales evening post...

DRIVER'S FURY OVER PARKING TICKETS ROW
9 readers have commented on this story. Click here to read their views.
RICHARD YOULE
RICHARD.YOULE@SWWMEDIA.CO.UK

09:00 - 24 August 2007

A Furious motorist is demanding to be reimbursed for hundreds of pounds' worth of parking tickets issued on a road police say should be exempt from parking charges.Mumbles lifeboat crew member Rob Jenkins said he has received between 15 and 20 tickets over the past 18 months after leaving his car on Castle Road beyond the specified one-hour time limit.

But police said on Wednesday that parking restrictions could not be enforced there because of incorrect signage. That has been denied by Swansea Council, who yesterday said the signs looked okay.

The police claimed the traffic restrictions on the road were unenforceable after a traffic warden had been spotted leaving his Ford Focus there all day while going around the village checking on other cars.

They said he hadn't done anything wrong, and that other motorists should not be ticketed for leaving their cars there either.

However, Mr Jenkins has had to stump up well over £500.

"I'm normally very level-headed, but I'm boiling," he said.

"In the past 18 months I have had 15 to 20 parking tickets in the spot where the warden was parking.

"My business was next door, in Newton Road, and I needed my car close by in case there was a call-out from the lifeboat station.

"I have no problem paying for the tickets. But if this warden does not have to pay, it's completely wrong."

Mr Jenkins said he wrote to the police after receiving one ticket asking if they would consider giving him special dispensation because he was a member of the lifeboat crew.

But they replied, saying if they allowed him to park there they would have to do the same for all other emergency workers.

In yesterday's statement to the Post, South Wales Police explained why the traffic warden had not done anything wrong.

"Some of the signage and road markings in the Mumbles area are not compatible with the Traffic Legislation Order, which means that we, the police, cannot enforce the law in these areas," said a spokeswoman.

"When there is a fault with signage, the police report it to the local authority, in accordance with the Traffic Legislation Order, for them to carry out the necessary work.

"We referred this matter to the authority more than two years ago.

"This traffic warden was, therefore, not committing an offence because this road is one of the defective roads, and any member of public that has parked on a defective road within the last two years can be assured that they, too, have not been issued with a parking ticket."

She added that Castle Avenue and Queens Road also had the same faulty signs.

Hundreds of motorists could now launch an appeal against parking tickets that have been dished out to them on the roads.

But Swansea Council said it was not aware of the problem.

A spokesman said: "It is normal practice for the local police, who have responsibility for enforcing parking restrictions, to inform us of any issues relating to signage and traffic orders.

"However, in this case we are not aware of any issues.

"We are currently investigating the locations the Evening Post has highlighted.

"If there are any faults or irregularities then the necessary amendments will be made."

He added: "An officer has been there to inspect the signs and said they were enforceable."



Your Views
I think that Adrian Lewis is totally missing the point of the issue, Rob Jenkins needs his car close at hand in case he is called out to deal with an emegency,Adrian lewis obviously has a gripe because he has to pay to park his car, why shouldn't he? the disabled area's to park are located closer to amenities, this doesn't mean that it should be free parking, that's what running a car is all about!! come on give Rob Jenkins a chance he is offering his service to the RNLI for nothing.
Jim Hopkin, Swansea


what the hell is up with this world ,for god sake the man is on standby for the lifeboat,and as with all 999 calls you state that seconds saves lives but you give this man a ticket for parking when he will drop is own income to save a life free of charge, and if you dont understand that message i will spell it out loud ! SECONDS SAVES LIVES ,wake up
eric shire, wirral


totally agree that if the lifeboat crew are on a job they should be able to park without some jobsworth sticking a ticket on their car.the crew at cleethorpes have designated parking so come on you councillors get it sorted, remember one day it might be one of your family that need the services of the RNLI
trevor stockdale, grimsby


This is sickening man - c'mon these people are selfless heroes and put our lives and safety above their own, Swansea council, you should be ashamed - REALLY ASHAMED. There should be parking dispensation for all emergency workers who are on call. Get your act together before it's one of your own who needs to be rescued.
Mark Owen, Stockport


Adrian, I am disabled too.Everytime i get a chance i am taken to Mumbles.I don`t mind paying for parking.I`m there for enjoyment. The RNLI should be allowed free parking,( or even a special area, where only they can park) Lifeboat personnel are there to save lives.Seconds count, maybe someone you know would need their services one day.That`s how i always look at it.Imagine the uproar if someone drowned because parking their vehicles took far too long. i think the council should give back the money Robert has paid them too. Thank goodness we have people like Robert always there to protect people enjoying themselves.I thank you all
carol ann, swansea


We need these guys,and girls, so come on Swansea, give them a break, free parking for the lifeboat crew, Lives are saved throught their generosity. Manic Mumbles parking is awful during the summer months anyway.
carol, swansea


I am a disabled driver and i got to pay to park whenever i am in Mumbles, as there is no consession for blue badge users. I believe that if disabled drivers have to pay then every other driver has to pay, not one rule for one and a different rule for others. (radiokaos)
Adrian Lewis, Port Talbot


yet again, more evidence that enforcement officers are above the law themselves. If they can park there for no penalty, then the general public should be able to also. I also fully support that lifeboat crew should be exempt from parking fines.
miles thomas, clydach


lifeboatman charged for parking makes me sick come on swansea council get your own house in order.i know robert jenkins from a time i meet him in myc after going to thank horton lifeboat boy/girls for going out to try and save my late sons life.robert is a very level headed chap and he said to me that day something that got me into fundraising for the rnli and i thank rob for what he said to me.these guys are life savers and very good ones if these roads were even marked propley the rnli guys of mumbles should be exempt from parking tickets.mumbles is only a small village and at this time of year these guys need to park somewhere because if there pagers go off they need to get to the lifeboat station at a moments notice to go and save lives not to be slapped in the face with parking tickets.i hope you get your money back robert when these pen pushers realise there wrong
steven wood, morriston

fizzing and frothing

today is the anniversary of our mighty lordy lordy's sleep deprivation campaign
she slammed down a barrage of brain activity
hurled down bolts of stress and headfuck
leaving things rather blurred and confused
a chance discovery threw cats upside down and golden balls over yonder
all reason and logic was discarded quicker than a quick thing doing quick things
impulsiveness or spontaneity?
bloody impulsiveness of course...
get on the phone and ask a question
what about george?
what about tiziana?
what about catherine?
what about robbages?
what about embles?
what about juicifer?
what about squilibrato?
what about fighe?
and so on, and so forth and soap dodger
book and ring and email and waaaaaaaaaaaah
that bloke said this
and how about that
squeam and squirm to escape the pit, master gravedigger
bite the bullshit and cough up the smalls
this new fascist regime to stop buttfoons like me booking all and sunday
arses
but what about george?
and how about the fuckwits at bastardlink?
and can i defeat keynsianism with an invasion of 'east' st kilda
splitters with stupid hats and hair
a weekend of popping and sparking
emails and calls
texts and trousers
a million hours on hold, fighting the corner in the darkness
wait, hold, dance a little lower
dont sleep
theres too much to do
theres too much to ponder and ruminate
theres too much sort
theres too much to argue
theres too much to agonize
theres the frustration dammit!
drop off but then come flying back
dont forget that!
where will i sleep in 23 cities in 1009 countries?
resolution beyond the solution
improbable in the foremost
prostrating and giving big come hither looks at mistress trub
the possibility of being outflanked on 17 different flanks simulataneously
all can and will go wrong
a fool just cerimoniously released the catches and sent me plummeting into the shite
lucky im a super swimmer in it
bring it on
after a little lie down first
i'm exhausted

youre my wife now dave

look into my black eyes dave
i shall put you in animals
dont dare ask how
nor why for that matter
your toilet is blocked up dave
i most certainly didnt do it
dont worry dave
i will fix it
my wife can read your palms dave
hold out your bottom leg
they arent children dave
they are just challenged
and they may touch the precious things
is that you dave?
oh
is dave there dave?
ok dave
you are picking up momentum dave
pick up the handbrake
then put it back down again
im not srue itll make any difference
watch my spittle drop on my boots dave
its easier to see from under there
dont tie me up to the bed dave
not without a seated knife and breadbutter
dont mention the war dave
it isnt my makeup you are smearing dave
it isnt a blonde wig
or my affected voice dave
youre my wife now dave....

big pie hair slap

didnt we have a lovely day
the day we went to PAs
the sun twittering
the sky was flowing
the birds were brilliant
the bad music was kept in check for a time
the coopers was delish
and the beef and stout pie
it was very beefy and might stout
there was him, her and those fellas
there were late coming chips
there was a silly frilly handbag
some silly big sunglasses
a cesare salad with chicken that cesare never ate
what came first, the keel or the fish?
the rowing wankers seemed receding
lots of chappy chaps and girlie girls
munching and quaffing
puffing and chatting
setting the world to wrongs
twere huge that pah
frightfully so
t man backed one in
k bop drove one thru
nothing much else really
just a small drop in an inconsistent ocean of motion
then somebodies unmentionables got in the way...

his great new girlfriend

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

the planet................................arium

someone went to the planet
arium
it was fab
there were layback chairicles
spinning night skies
close up from bubbles trubblescope
pretty pictures and lots of sniggering at gaseous form, black holes, uranus and beavis
how silly are the constellations?
yeah those three stars look like a goat riding a dolphin wearing chain mail on a wednesday under the fleur de lys doesnt it?
the southern skies have rubbish constellations; the twisties packet and the the shrub
the resident astrofoologismist was fab, and very sexy in her green top
afterwards there was wine and yummy cheese nibblies
not a spot on cold chups tho..
this planet
arium can be found on the wrong side of the river
in spots
wood
which is nearby to foots
cray
miles away from elt
ham
though
there was no brainwashing
i didnt walk out planning on renaming all multi syllable suburbs
through force if necessary
imagine the chaos
if ringwood became ring
wood
or northcote became north
cote
or frankston became franks
ton
all inferno would break loose!
could you live in a city infested with such bastard offspring entities as;
mel
bourne,
gee
long,
black
burn,
el
wood,
haw,
thorn,

pres
ton,
carl
ton,
fitz
roy,
rich,
mond
and so on and blahdy blahdy bollock drops

Kev's barmitzvah orgy

it was a dark and not particularly stormy night
sleep wasnt playing footsies under the table
the party started early
maybe 4ish
a likely lady darkened a doorstep
a fleet of masturbikes drove up
one at a time
pounding ear drums and shaking foundations
and making those little insects a bit uptight
things turned to motorbike chat
i turned off
high trousers sneaked in the dooooor
and some ickle girl
it got rather smoky round these parts
and rather beery
enough of this, it was time to hightail it to the festy
it drizzled on your grande puffo
inside it were nice and warm
and toilets
after overenthusiastic seeking a booth was procured
and shoe phones were handed around to all
so we could play shoe phone in the booth parade
it wasnt quite what i had hoped for
but i had been hoping against hope
futile one might say
also arrivering were fellow workers from Kevs sheet metal carvery
a couple of dodgy repute
a sleeping giant from the midlands
and ron (no relation to the drink)
Beaver took his packaging away for short while
in search of some housing
only to arrive later with more kids than you could poke a 23 pronged kid poking stick at
and penis extension man
the false moustaches were a treat
the guitar heroics were... well
heroically up somebody's alley
Dr Whodunnit black graped everything that moved
the kids played pattycake pattycake
the pe man valiantly tried something on
maybe it was a moustache
the kids moved on to finger painting
but dropped their fingers in their drinks
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh said kid no.1
bwooooooooooo said kid no.2
bnaaaaaaaaaaaar said kid no.3 (not very convincingly)
PE man adjusted his new moustache
Mr Plastics pulled them apart and bought their silence with wowwwwie pops
the fantastic shouty family couldnt make it
but we all did our best in their absence
and then it became too much
so it was off to the prince of darkness
crossed legged, virgin baiting, goat worshipping
but they are gay!
cried a boner
aftershock upon aftershock
not really, it was much beerier
a long lost courier kestrel glided in most gracefully
but by this point they thought it was all over
and it might as well have been
ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah

should i wait or should i go... plink plink

with valued contributions from Lady chuckletrousers and Lord Whom...

wait;
i want to be around kez as much as possible
i want to kill dave cant do it from overseas
dont be an assmunch
pay off some debts
better weather
possibly cheaper airfare
better networking possibilities, time to sort stuff out
more possibilities of rooting them in the ear
another year older
being sensible
good chance of missing kezs bday
ems got a pad to crash at?
could catch Gab

go;
coz its my bag baby
immediate holiday
celebrate my money honey
i wont spend all on crap
get it out of the way
meet great new tortellini whilst still interested
get away from beavis soon
fuck off me
less chance of getting hypergonadism
would diet vitamin d thing fark it up?

conclusion-che cazzo ne so io?

she gives umm, if you go to her...

last year it was for flowers
this year its a massage voucher
from the 70's
they call him dr slaughter
i dont think thats a tough name
it was really good fun, it was hilarious
i just gave up and went fuck this
why did you need a photo
i can meet you somewhere in the middle
have i gone insane
there was an ad
im sure it was good
and i cant even find beavis'
highly creative and passionate designer
id rather shoot myself
i dont give a shit
she said... oh yeah
she loves to rub shit in
what is it with people
she knew jessie and jessie knew jacinda
his bullshit rubs off on her
try to pick something more original
he wont do anything to fix it
if i ever see him again
i heard that youre bananas
and anyone who sounds remotely interesting
noone ever asks about drugs
she was totally fucking confused
im constantly out at marathons
in darwin
slim pickings this week
and youve got all them nutty birds after you
that wasnt a girlfriend
you bunch of fuckers
you could actually write something on there
you bunch of fuckers
then it started to hurt
thats what happens i think
he had to come in here to get his bike from the garage
did you knock on the door
poor guy
he gets very crabby
i love the hair

a top notch high quality classy profound blog

not bloody likely

Ghengis the big saucepot

stolen from;
Sunday March 2, 2003
The Observer
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,906044,00.html

We owe it all to superstud Genghis

Warlord Khan has 16m male relatives alive now, says study

One in every 200 men alive today is a relative of Genghis Khan. An international team of geneticists has made the astonishing discovery that more than 16 million men in central Asia have the same male Y chromosome as the great Mongol leader.

It is a striking finding: a huge chunk of modern humanity can trace its origins to Khan's vigorous policy of claiming the most beautiful women captured during his merciless conquest.

'One thirteenth century Persian historian claimed that within a century of Khan's birth, his enthusiastic mating habits had created a lineage of more than 20,000 individuals,' said team leader Dr Chris Tyler-Smith. 'That now appears to account for around 8% of the men in central Asia.'

The team, from Britain, Italy, China and Uzbekistan, took tissue samples from 2,000 men from central Asia, and studied each one's Y chromosome, the genetic package that confers maleness and is passed only from father to son.

'Y chromosomes belonging to different men vary slightly. One in every 5,000 DNA units is not the same,' said Tyler-Smith. 'But when we looked at our results, we found a huge group that did not show any differences. We were absolutely amazed.'

One researcher, Tatiana Zerjal, even suggested they had found the genetic footprint of Khan. 'It was just a joke,' added Tyler-Smith. 'Then we began to look more closely at our results, and realised it was the only really feasible explanation for what we had found.'

First the team, whose results are published in the latest edition of the American Journal of Human Genetics, found the geographical spread of possessors of the chromosomes almost exactly matched that of Genghis's empire, which stretched from China to the Middle East. Then they discovered that all of these men shared a common ancestor. Again the answer was consistent with the march of Khan, who lived between 1162 and 1227.

'There are only two ways a single Y chromosome can make such a mark on a population,' Tyler-Smith said. 'The chromosome could in some way confer its owners with some biological advantage. But given that a Y chromosome is little more than a biochemical switch that turns an embryo into a male child, it is hard to see how it could have such an effect.

'The other explanation is that its original possessor had some incredible social advantage over other Y chromosome possessors, allowing its owner to pass it on, over and over again. Khan fits that bill perfectly. He had many wives, and was enthusiastic in his attentions to other women.

When Mongol armies attacked, their spoils were shared among the troops and officers, with one exception. The most beautiful women were reserved for Khan.

The study also sided with the Hazara people of northern Pakistan, whose claim to be direct descendants of Khan is derided by historians. It found the Hazaras' Y chromosomes were identical to those they had already linked to Khan.

'It is not the first time the oral tradition has been proved more reliable than academic treatise,' he added. 'It takes the power of genetics to prove it, however.'

repent

build your own mink sanctuary
stop ligging mine

gategategate

first there was watergate
then there came bungate
whitewatergate
irancontragate
too many bloody gates
followed quickly by stepneygate
portfoliofuckingate
even bloody toiletgate
sitrightdownandwhittleawayatmychairgate
whats with all this neglect of toilets?
toilets have feelings too you know
anybody going to go on about watertoilet?
profumotoilet
thebottomoftheharbourtoilet
archdukeferdinandtoilet
childrenoverboardtoilet
gatetoilet? - not bloody likely
it doesnt seem right to me
why should gates get all the bright lights and unfettered adoration?
strutting about like they own the place
but owing nothing to any particular skill or outstanding achievement
but they strut the world stage with shameless abandon
winking in their graceful gateish manner at the snapping cameras
as the sheepish masses dream that they too had been born a gate
but no...
does anyone lay awake at night wishing they were a toilet?
do young children bleat at their mothers demanding to know why they too can't be a toilet?
No, No and No
Equal rights for toilets now!

staring into the abysmal

it looks dark down there
kind of windy too
perhaps its just a gust or something
i cant make out the other side
nor the bottom
and whats that odour?
i dont believe in hell
so it cant be sulfur and hellfire
it does kind of smell sulfur like though
like some kind of year 9 experiment
overseen by some zealot of perversion
perhaps with a beard
perhaps with long shorts
and long socks
not that theres anything wrong with that...
i wonder what it feels like
that weightless, senseless feeling
hang on just a moment
i know that feeling
i wouldnt mind it again
but with the disclaimer that it couldnt possibly end
the bliss without reason
and beyond any termination
a gut wrenching, logic defying certainty
you force yourself to leap
but every cell is screaming NOOOOOOOOOo
you defy nature
instincts overidden
some kind of self preservation thing that is nigh on impossible to fight
but you defeat it
in desperation perhaps?
after all fight or flight has been around since dolphins were monkeys
ive never met any
perhaps ebabes was on something
more than likely
especially that thing about chopping off the hosties hands...
what brought that on?
did she ask you to turn off your mobbily or was she just american?
thatd be enuff for me
unless she was adrianne... che figa!
back to the pit and the master grave digger
who was that man
in the pit
that is i master grave digger
fuck its hard to have gravitas at times
perhaps there is no other side
perhaps there is not bottom
so
leap or turn back
but turn back to what exactly?
swivel to see a castle on a sunlight hill?
or maybe a desolate moonscape stretching into the perma gloom?
vision imperfect
not one that i made... mind
it might well be quite nice over yonder hillock
pillock
turn your shoulders to the gaping beckoning chasm
set your nose into the wind
and check out what really is over there
around that allegorical corner
beyond that metaphorical tumescence
now everything is lovely
a one and a two and a three and a four...

Big, gay Smithers.....

Moe: "...and I'm taking your favorite song out of the jukebox."
Homer: "'It's Raining Men?'"
Moe: "Yeah, not no more it ain't."
When a record thrown by Moe hits Smithers in the head, Smithers appears to get excited when he sees the record's title "It's raining Men."

When Burns is overcome with emotion, he tells Smithers that he loves him. Smithers replies, "The feeling is more than mutual, sir."

During the nuclear meltdown scare, Smithers makes Burns' last few moment on earth socially awkward by confessing his love for the old man. When Springfield Nuclear Power Plant is about to suffer catastrophic meltdown. Burns remarks "I guess there's nothing left but to kiss my sorry ass good-bye." Smithers asks, "May I, sir?"

When Burns asks Smithers what he thought if he started sniffing his crotch and slobbering all over him. Smithers replies, "If you did it, sir?"

When Burns fantasies about Marge, he asks Smithers about that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window. Smithers groans with pleasure, imagining Burns himself flying through his bedroom window. Smithers says, "You've been reading my wishbook, sir."

When Burns and Smithers attend the ballet, Burns says, "Bah! Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing!" To which, Smithers replies, "A little mincing would be nice."

When Lisa seeks Smithers for help in contacting the inventor of Malibu Stacey, Smithers gets the information from his home computer. When he turns the computer on, the computer screen shows a nude Burns that utters in broken English: "Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on."

In this episode, Smithers basically shows a lot of resentment towards Burns courting Marge's mother. When Burns asks for help in composing a love letter, Smithers recites "`Darling one, read my words and hear my heart speak of a love soft and undying: a love that will be with you always. Sincerely,' yatta, yatta, yatta." Burns asks how he thought it up so fast. Smithers cries, "I sent it to you on your birthday! [sob] Excuse me, I have something in my eye!"

Burns asks Smithers to take off his belt; Smithers replies, "with pleasure, sir."

Smithers is "caught on film" leaving a burlesque house. Burns demands an explanation; Smithers replies, "My parents insisted I give it a try."

Smithers is a little unsetted when Burns asks him if he was doing something gay. "You know, lighthearted, fancy-free, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town." Smithers replies, "Exactly, sir," followed by darting eyes.

In a restaurant Smithers discovers John, who is a homosexual, eating dinner with the Simpson family, and becomes upset.
Smithers: So this is your "sick mother"?
John: Don't do this to me, Waylon.

Smithers is head of the "Waylon Smithers Dancers" on "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour." Plus, he performs a slightly-altered version of Devo's "Whip It" while wearing a pair of very revealing chaps.

In Homer's gymnastics flashback, we see a young Smithers at a microphone saying, "Well, that's the end of the girls' floor exercises, now let's bring on the men!"

When Lisa's message-rocket breaks into Mr. Burns's office and lands in his suit, the old man tells Smithers he has "a rocket in my pocket." Waylon's knowing reply: "You don't have to tell me, sir."

During the "In the Navy" musical number, Smithers is seen dancing next to the Village People.

When Mr. Burns goes through his lunch, he comes across... "One jar of garlic pickles. No one will want to kiss me after these, eh Smithers?" "It's their loss, sir."

bastard, bastard, bastard universe

In your infinite ear

the klinsey report

have a blonde mullet
play for good teams-Samp
play for bad teams-Spurs
get loads of goals
dive like a swan with diving boots on
score a LOT
move to the united states of bollocks
manage the national team
get third
get happy
get out

what envil ordered for dessert

lashings of wilderbeest with pilchards woven into their beards
3 braised hammerhead sharks (heads stuffed with camel)
a dozen oxens in goat sauce
a nuclear family of woolly mammoths dipped in haggis juice
7 emporer penguins steamed in crab water
a school of swordfish suspended under goat dripping
roasted pterydactyls with dodo carpaccio
tasmian tiger steaks with bull ant paste
a single blue whale filled with cow intestines
the last auroch with a bad attitude
a 60 metre giant squid basted with baboon arse
17 highland cows with weaves
2 overfed saber toothed tigers with horse blood dipping sauce
a delightful brontosauras and diplodocus platter
3 camel trains with extra hoof
a shoal of dugongs rammed with caviar
146 geese, force fed to foie gras fever
4 sea lions with fluffy kitten noodles
silverback gorilla sausages
a horde of roast boars with neanderthal tricep pancakes
white rhino testes topped with sharks fin fingers
12 metric tonnes of wichety grubs, deep fried in lard
rat nipple chips
8 salt water crocodiles filled with tree kangaroo ears
10 toucans with earth worm coating
a mating pair of polars bears, stuffed with panda bears
one pack approximately of wolverines

and a cherry

i know better than you... so bog off

one night a motley crew went to a vegetarian restaurant in downtown St Pancreas
it was hard to get any good munch that wasn't secretly stuffed or laced with animal products
such was the indignation in all right minded members of the party that seating was re-arranged stealthily to resemble a yurt
'that'll show those backwards bastards' said one leading troublemaker
as she made some trouble
whether they were shown or not remains open to speculation
because a display of hands was held under the table
which didnt clarify all that much
except that there wasn't any chewing gum under said tables
with more than casaul righteousness they perused alain menu
how refreshing it is to be able to chooose something more than chips
said a vegan with square glasses
before banging on horribly about what a big wanker he was
it was easy for this lot feel pleased about their lives
the group agreed on the save the planet macrobiotic vegatarian feast
macrobiotic hommus for starters
with miso soup and tofu
bread made from only the best treated wild ryes
mains were lentils and kidney bean consomme
carrot souffle with lashings of soy cream and or yoghurt
braised pumpkin, stuffed with seeds and nuts
and a vegetable soup with quorn and nut cutlet steaks
ahhh what an ethical gourmet feast!
they gorged themselves and indulged in some organic wine
because they didnt abuse themselves in the world they live in...
conversation varied from the relative habitability of a geodesic dome
to the marvellous sacrifices made by snotty who lived in a tunnel under the motorway between bongford and slapmore
and the merits of marijuana grown in horse diahorrea as opposed to sloth stools...
remarkably, there was great accord
and then Envious Envil called for the dessert menu...

toxic vomit executives

they were rubbish

fugu me

it all was hairy
mainly the aurochs
a spider with an attitude
a few spiders without hats
some bogan milds
battery plains
all that bloody electricity talking bollocks
bloody arses
silly scamming greek men
without washing machines
I should have pointed something out
about which i didnt know a cazzo
what a fecking debacle
the first decade
i had no idea
as if i would have and idea
what am i
some kind of electricity smelling shoefearer?
vaffanculo
3 days of hours of silly blah blah
makepeace makeweight
then bokko!
everything is lovely again
no need for drillomaticus fantasticus
its all up and rosy cheeked dimishing daisy
super
thanks for asking
and all the flim flam and tiredness
dont ask the question of yourself
theres no point growing there
going out for gude times?
staying putt for the 13th green grass of holmes?
shilly was shallied
shimmies were shuddered
and its fucked up, up and awwwaaaaaaaayter
the swinging lantern of good fortune
one course banana
two course banana
three course banana
and so on bananas and bananas
dead fish
live rice
tempura in a soup of yummy sobers
beans of bread
soup of the day
dumplings of love
pretty colours and burning nostrils
a beverage
chief sitting green tea
honey money
and straaaaaaaaawerburried
a long list of wild animals basted for another day

all the greats...

Mr. Jolly: Listen, just because my surname is Jolly doesn't mean I am jolly all the fucking time!

Mr. Jolly: And no-one knows you're here?

Nicholas Parsons: Excuse me? Can I use your phone?
Mr. Jolly: Fuck off!
Nicholas Parsons: I'm Nicholas Parsons, can I...
Mr. Jolly: Fuck off!
Nicholas Parsons: I'm...
Mr. Jolly: I heard you the first time, I don't care if you're Bob fucking Monkhouse. Fuck off. Do I need to spell it out for you? F-U-C...

Dreamytime Escort: Let's play a game. I go out of the room... and then... I come back in. Have you got that? Right. I'll go first.

Dreamytime Escort, Dreamytime Escort: Escorts, bescorts - Come in if you're saucy!
Dreamytime Escort: Nicholas bloody Parsons!
Dreamytime Escort: Morning, Ralph, how's the cuddly-toy business?
Mr. Jolly: Who the fuck are you?
[pause, then quickly]
Mr. Jolly: Oh, right. It's lovely thanks.

Dreamytime Escort: Well, that's Fattie's money out of the window.
Dreamytime Escort: And Fattie.
Dreamytime Escort: Well, it was his own fault. When drunk you should never play "who
can jump out of the window the best."
Dreamytime Escort: Especially on the 18th floor.

Dreamytime Escort: Look, all I'm saying is you can't have an advert in the Times that says, "What are you doing this weekend, fancy getting drunk?" You have to put the telephone number!
Dreamytime Escort: But we know the telephone number!

Dreamytime Escort: We've got a booking! A Mr Yakimoto
Dreamytime Escort: Oh great, another French bastard.

Dreamytime Escort: What could be better than living above an off-license?
Dreamytime Escort: Living in one?
Dreamytime Escort: You're right. We need to become much more friendly with Heimi Henderson

Dreamytime Escort: It's not fair. I mean, what's Mr Jolly got that we haven't got?
Dreamytime Escort: Our Fairy Liquid.

Dreamytime Escort: One thousand, five hundred and seventy four gin and tonics please Monica.
Dreamytime Escort: LARGE ones.

Policeman: Are you drunk, sir?
Dreamytime Escort: Of course I am, I'm out of my bloody mind, I've just spent three thousand quid in there.

Dreamytime Escort: So, Nicholas. I suppose you spend most of your time opening supermarkets and heliports, these days.
Nicholas Parsons: Well, yes. You... You know how it is. As a matter of fact tomorrow I am opening an off-license.
Dreamytime Escort: [both Dreamytime Escorts stare at Nicholas] You're opening an off-license?
Nicholas Parsons: yes, an off-license.
Dreamytime Escort: GOD! Imagine being so important you can open an off-license!
Dreamytime Escort: And we're with him right now, aren't we Nicky baby?

Dreamytime Escort: Yes yes yes, it's a fantastic house, Nicholas. Now. Have you got any dirty films?
Nicholas Parsons: No!
Dreamytime Escort: You BASTARD!

non e' che ti dico una cazzata qualsiasi

sono stanco
non capisco piu il perche
il mio vocabulario mi sta abbandonando
semmai non bastasse la tastiera sbagliata
mi ero stufato di sbattere la testa contro quei libri
dov'e il relax?
io non ci poteva farne piu
le foibe, il rotazione degli ortiche, quel tipo che amava il duce
la poverta della campania, ma non si chiama campania
quindi ho cambiato idea
ho cambiato il modo di ragionare
infatti ho smesso di ragionare
sono cerchi infiniti
concentrichi
finche non smariscono nel orrizonte
sempre li'
li' nel mezzo
ooooooooooops
il cervello fuso che non sa piu reagire
ma vaffanculo

joey baby, didn't ever get crazy

Joey was a shining star
still might be too
she lived in a big house somewhere in boganlandia
and went to upway high school
for a fleeting moment she thought i looked like river phoenix
she was wrong
i just had a floppy blondeish fringe
and happened to be shouting in east ringwood
with skinny arms and a wonky union jack t
she decided i should be her deb partner
kind parents even paid for my dancing lessons
not my dancing booties tho
she was the tallest of all the birds
so we had to go first
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i sat on a train from heefmont to upweigh
a bit stoned
head leaning against the window
watching the trees and houses whizz by
some fresh faced kid showed up on the night
with a silly pony tail and a rented dinner luxedo
i saw a photo of him once
barely recognised the geezer
we had a trip in a limo
and the after party was at her parents place
she gave me a lovely girls blouse
with the buttons on the wrong side
i gave her something shiny
all rather surreal
she even took me for a ride on the motorbike
that was a first
she went with her friends to Joanna on the coast
said it was great
hanging out with melissa
who brokes flamin's heart and went out with tile
i got in trub for twanging her bra strap
and she had a wicked wicked temper
she offered me her tape of gold afternoon fix
for my burgeoning love
but we never really had that much to say to eachother

Wham Bam thanks a lot Man

so it showed up
i was surprised
she was surprised
he was surprised
well you get the picture....
the faintest of recollections
something about incoherence
flouncing into the light
couldnt be sure
but it makes the most sense
in this senseless debacle
the white knight
the bedtime story
the gaspers and their exile
the whining and dining
what does it say about us then?
not very many good things
thats what it says
the irresistable pull of the senses
stuffing ever more down gullets
the suspension of common sense
all in the name of more
more dammit
it doesnt bear thinking about
itd topple over
like a breast bearer
they sure have their work cut out
there was a lot of shocked faces
the crab pilot cashed in
gave some sound advice and pocketed the goods
surely it couldnt be!
there it was.
some lovely work by the beaver precision parking team
all i had to do was look at .... well you
stories had to be concocted
to tell the fuzz
to tell the scuzz
and to tell all in a salacious best seller
remarkable really

i've got that falling swingers sensation

THIS IS THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THE WOR

WOMEN WHOM DISLIKE ANY KIND OF KINKY SEX
WOMEN THAT DISLIKE MEN
WOMEN THAT DISLIKE WOMEN
WOMEN THAT DISLIKE POPPERS
WOMEN THAT DISLIKE GRANIES
WOMEN THAT LIKE WOMEN
WOMEN THAT LIKE JOHN HOWARD
WOMEN THAT DONT LIKE JOHN HOWARD
JOHN HOWARD
AND WELL THATS ABOUT IT OTHER THAN THESE FEW THINGS, AND PLEASE REMEMBER THIS ITS IMPORTANT.
THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE ARE DOGS, CATS (FOR BOOTING) AND OTHER ASSORTED DOG LKE ANIMALS.
NAUGHTY CHICKS (NOT THE PEA VARIETY)
AND WELL ANYTHING THAT IS WELL JUST NAUGHTY, MMM WELL NOT COMPLETELY NAUGHTY
BUT JUST A LITTLE NAUGHTY.. OK A SLUT....MMMMMMMM LOLLIES YUMM
YEP A GOOD ROAST, SOME MASH AND SOME SWEET CORN ON THE COB, OHHH YEA THATS THE STUFF

EVENING ALL TAKE CARE AND REMEMBER PEACE AND GOOD WILL TO ALL YOU MUTHA FUCKERS

dave says

in this world of trouble and tribuations i find that the complications the divert our attentions from our true calling pass us by insesently and challange us to try and keep our true selfs from being us, after all if we are not our self then who are we??????? so now time for a poem, yes i hear you ay boooooring but no wait!!!!!!!

computer my love my soul
i punch you, but no, not just in any hole
you turn on for me you turn off
but you no real haselhof
sweet to me you sing you beckon
but still you seeze you fuck
what!!! you need a buck????
well fuck you you machine
your just some from of mechanical slut
i hate you i love you
and if i could youd be the one id fuck!!!!!!!!!
naaaaaa you tramp of electronic stuff


yes so here we are, confused???? well lick my arse and make sexy talk to it, i promise i wont fart...

so maybe for now ill go but if you have a comment


FUCK OFF LOOOSER

Cesare Pavese is really quite a jovial fellow

Verrà la morte e avrà i tuoi occhi

Verrà la morte e avrà i tuoi occhi-
questa morte che ci accompagna
dal mattino alla sera, insonne,
sorda, come un vecchio rimorso
o un vizio assurdo. I tuoi occhi
saranno una vana parola,
un grido taciuto, un silenzio.
Così li vedi ogni mattina
quando su te sola ti pieghi
nello specchio. O cara speranza,
quel giorno sapremo anche noi
che sei la vita e sei il nulla

Per tutti la morte ha uno sguardo.
Verrà la morte e avrà i tuoi occhi.
Sarà come smettere un vizio,
come vedere nello specchio
riemergere un viso morto,
come ascoltare un labbro chiuso.
Scenderemo nel gorgo muti.


Death will stare at me out of your eyes

Death will stare at me out of your eyes;
this death who accompanies us
from morning to night, sleepless,
dull, like an old remorse
or an absurd vice. Your eyes
will be a vain word
an unspoken scream, a silence.
So you see them each morning
when you gaze alone
on the mirror. O dear hope,
that day we'll know too,
that you are the life and the void.
To everyone death has a look
Death will stare at me out of your eyes.
It will be like giving up a vice,
like seeing in the mirror
a dead face re-emerge,
like listening to a silent lip.
We'll go down into the whirlpool without words.

driving, driving, driving, driving, driving, driving, driving

and repeat,
back to your marks... pull up your leg warmers and start again
driving, driving, driving...

the shambles mile

what a bloody shambles
off you go then...
collect the pieces
round up the errant h's
show all the disrespect in the world
not like any bastard would take you to task
theres a particularly untidy section
bottom left
its a disgrace it is
probably cant even feel it
inside or out
now its out in the open
the bottom right isnt looking too crash hot either
nor that squibbly bit bang in the middle
and the upper zone is a bleeding mess
i hope not literally tho
scrape up that bit of wotsit
pile all the rubble up
sidefoot the fogginess
this isnt the place for secrets
unwrap that parcel
but for fucks sake
put stack the contents in an orderly manner
stop bitching about it
nobody can hear
and nobody could care less
you almost need a dozer in here to clear a path
the jetsam is obstructing the flotsam
talk about clutter
funk dat
you must take responsability for your actions
tidy up after yourself
its grim going at the best of times
and then we all have to take a bath in this shite
its just senseless
an enormous waste
and then what?
that old bloke called hector must really have wound somebody up

that's where we ended up...

our love admire
looks like our lifetime ban just expired
vampire dinosaur
let me buy you a drink
i do not believe i have ever bought you...
imagine you are in a game
look, he's picking his nose
he's not nobody
and they called it puppy love
and a series of mysterious murders
the streets of london
some are playing it all down
do they have any legs at all
that can only worse the diplomatic atmosphere
pakistan warns
propaganda is very important in the wider war
he's become the first scalp
rigging fake contestants
fuck off
i wont buy that
or this
and i WONT buy those political propaganda
special envoy
we wont exclude anybody from having their say
and human rights
a b for peacekeeping
after admitting that a series of....
oh stop fucking with bbc
who's crusade is this?
you have every right to be angry
all member have to carry a card
MANDIBA MAN!
we all need to come together
work across national boundaries
screw your robben island
this iniative is just another
for a man almost always on a mission
the vast studio set was near deserted
three weeks before the start of the tour
top spot in group d
austria failed to respond
where oblivion is beckoning...

It's the end of the world as we know it, and Ligabue feels fine

What follows is very interesting, but I cannot be bothered translating it...

Ligabue raccontò che mentre ascoltava la versione originale, suonandoci sopra gli venne l'idea di scrivere un testo italiano che si adattasse a quella musica. Nella trasmissione Storytellers andata in onda su MTV Italia il 6 febbraio 2006 Ligabue ha precisato che l'idea di questa cover e` nata dal discorso iniziale della prima legislatura di Silvio Berlusconi: in questo discorso il Cavaliere sosteneva che i media in suo possesso non avessero per nulla influito sulla vittoria del suo partito. Il fatto che Forza Italia fosse riuscita a passare da zero a partito di maggioranza relativa (in un periodo dove ogni mezzo punto guadagnato da un partito a discapito dello schieramento opposto veniva celebrato come una vittoria) suscitava in Ligabue forti perplessità sul suddetto discorso. Nel testo della canzone il Liga immagina la situazione che si verrebbe a creare se arrivasse la fine del mondo ai giorni nostri, con la gente che piuttosto che scendere per strada a vedere cosa accade preferirebbe godersi lo "spettacolo" dalla poltrona di casa davanti alla televisione.

A che ora è la fine del Mondo? - To the tune of REM track above mentioned.

Che or'è, scusa ma che or'è
Che non lo posso perdere l'ultimo spettacolo
Fine del Mondo in Mondovisione, diretta da San Pietro per l'occasione
La borsa sale, i maroni no, Ferri batte il record di autogol
Le liste del Giudizio Universale saranno trasmesse dai telegiornali
A reti unificate e poi sulla pagina 666
Prima però su Canale 9 ci sarà il terzo Festival del dolore
Con la finale dei casi umani meno meno umani che mai
I puttanieri ci diano dentro, che là di là niente ciccia, niente
Niente ma tu giri più leggero, bruciando le tue scorte di preservativi
Fiorin fiorello, l'amore è bello se ci sei tu
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo, che rete è?
Destra, sinistra, su, giù, centro, fine del Mondo con palle in giramento
Che chi è fuori è fuori e chi è dentro è dentro, e fuori TV non sei niente
Ultimo appello per i merdaioli, finitevi la merce che di là non funziona
Altro girone, altro regalo, niente caramelle per i leccaculo
OK, il girone è giusto, OK!
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo, che rete è? Che ora è? Che rete è? Che ora è?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo, che rete è?
Forse là di là mancherà qualcosa: casa, chiesa, tele e cosa?
Serial killers, serial politici, morti in diretta, i migliori casi clinici
Cazzi vostri in onda, OK!
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo, che rete è?

and i guess

but i just dont know...

it went a bit like this...

suited and booted thanks to Mr Whoove
giggles and girty thanks to Ms Howve
A crab with a non drunken driver
an auction with no end
in the sense of 'if one isn't present it doesnt exist'
good luck to whoever bites that bunch of bullets
oot the front there is the patron
past the snot brigade and into the hall of modicums
is it classy or just twatty
super dining options
along with white, red and amber lubrication
strange apron kits on the wait ladies
seemed all a bit thai for two
lucky i looked flash
but felt not a little like an imposter
like a tefl teacher waiting to be busted for not knowing what an article is
i know that feeling all too well...
collingball, my childhood love
were playing geefoot my other childhood crush
thoughts out to AJM
magnificent viewing with comfy padded seats
no 1956 olympic cushion needed here
lots of athletic prowess
and not little endeavour
tens of thousands of eager beavers
creating an atmos that would make rugby fools drivel
class showed over endeavour
as my reserve of red seemed imposing
elevator music didnt raise the roof
but innocuity can be a good thing
the second harf was viewed from tables and behind glass walls
some hopes were raised
then eventually manfully dashed
it seems good taste prevailed in the face of stuffed shirtism
a pleasant surprise really
check your head
but not your scarf

back to the drill again

ma non c'e la faccio piu con questo drill di merda
non mi ricordo nemmeno come si scrive questa parola
ma 'sto stronzo
con i suoi apparecchi
una grande sega del cazzo
per un grande segaiolo
ogni beata mattina c'e
a rompermi i coglioni
si dice che sia un tipo simpatico
ma mi sono stuffato fin qui
apparentamente sta rifacendo il paveminto con legno
e non mi ricordo neanche questa parola
cazzo
be, ottimo, buon fucking divertimento bello pelato
almeno lui ha dovuto avere da fare con la strega-bestia
mi ne sono sicuro
si sarebbe messo li' in faccia sua
a chiedergli domande stupide
a dargli consigli di merda
patetica putana
ma prima o poi
se ne andra
e ci sara gioia in questo palazzo
la suzanne fara' una festa enorme
pero', c'e sempre il pericolo che trovera' riparo nel appartamento accanto a lei
questo sarebbe un gran bel fine mondo per la suzanne
la vita e' gia abbastanza una sfida
senza avere una psicopatica cosi vicino
di deve sentire le sue pazzie attraverso le mure
tranne quella gente mitica
ci sono altri eroi qui in giro
nel posto dei finocchi c'e una tipa con la macchina di merda con un adesivo di pantera!
fortunatamente non suona le musica schifoso sempre come l'hanno fatto loro
immagina la pantera ad tutti le ore, e poi le sbattimento delle mani!
c'e ancora un' altro finocchio nel numero cinque
a me pare piu o meno simpatico
poi, nel ultimo piano...
c'e un tipaccio molto yuppy
che ovviamente si crede di essere molto figo
che lo rende il tipo di gente piu schifoso a me
con la sua macchina quattro per quattro
capelli tinti e abiti
Prossimo, c'e una tipa abbastanza figa
non nel senso del figa-maestro erik
non molto interessante
ma abbastanza carina
una signorina che si sarebbe ben informata dice che una putana
per me, va bene.
Quindi il taxista
non so niente di lui
fa sempre cazzi suoi
si giri in bici e fa il bravo a portare le bidone
e finalmente c'e la coppia grigia
certamente non sono delle emminenze grigie
ogni tanto si sente una linga straniera da loro
ma non lo sento mai abbastanza al lungo per riconoscerlo
puodarsi sono della repubblica cecca
anche loro fanno i cazzi loro
si e visto che ogni anno se ne vanno per parecchi mesi
nel loro paese d'origine
be, buon divertimento ragazzi ma ci serve delle faccie cosi' toste?

amazing spicegirls reunion

sure they aren't looking so hot these days... but minger spice is still very figa

skateboarding in mumbles

just by chance i am strolling down the foreshore in mumbles
the water is way out
or is it way in?
its overcast and chilly
thats my mumbles
into the car park infront of the roundabout
best use the payphone to call bob
let him know im in town
in the country etc
not that i know why i am here
look theres bob
in the other phone booth
what's he doing there?
'no, no, no' he says, 'the one to do is this...'
he doesn't even seem to be surprised to see me
how odd
its like i never went anywhere
what year is it - 1996 or 2006?
the king of mobile phones is using a pay phone?
this doesnt add up
alright skipster, lets head up to mine, he says
we head up to his place opposite the park
but bob i thought you had moved back to Newton?
ahhh there were some complications
its never what you expect with bob
next thing we are up in newton
i imagine bob has popped off to the rock and fountain
my childhood skateboard is there
apparently dodgy 70's blue-with multicoloured arrows are really cool now in Swansea
that's a large surprise
not as large as it should be though
there are little kids zipping about the shop on ones a bit like mine
being all retro and cool
it seems i have accidentally become hip
bob's off somewhere wheeling some deals
or dealing some wheels
you never know with bob
i still cant get over the fact that he's not even remotely surprised to see me
and im off down newton rd
skating my heart out
being seriously scared about it
out of my way children like
past threshers
past the 2 bakeries
the charity shoppe
the overpriced fish shop
all the greats
fucking tooooooooooooorists
the dodgy travel agents who didnt know how to cope with an australian going to egypt
under the scaffolding
lucky its got gaudy yellow bits on it so i dont smash my head off
but what happens when i get to the bottom?
theres the bloody roundabout!

la coppa della bibita

there was a man
it wasnt jack white
i know this coz there wasnt meg white
or any white/black/red trimmings
this man had ginger hair
his friends probably called him the ginger ninja
or the ginger whinger
or if they were from a certain part it might have been the ginger minger
if they weren't from that part, it wouldn't have made much sense
this man had a muppety green and white beanie type hat
horizontally striped like celtic FC's colours - hoops
he also had a ginger beard
and big bad spot
he caught a bus past paul kelly's memories
all the way from how groovy is groovy is aint so groovyroy
he talked about evo
not devo
but evo
everybody seemed to know evo
except me
he smoked roll ups
and roll ups with extra goody smell
and drank beer from a stubby holder of some variety
it didnt belong to meredith though
i found him hard to read
was he a cool friendly bloke
or was he a twat
or was I a cool friendly twat
maybe that is just what people do on pilgrimmages
nobody knew about the goat
that yummy yummy goat
not the schnaa chicky selling tix
not her mate who made a big 'what the fuck?' face
there was a band from telly
and a barnyard love in a mumsy way not in a big figa way
and that chick that twangs your heart strings whether you like it or not
beavis found a goat chained up behind a hill
we milked it
then we found the soooonshine
and the ginger bloke
we munched and crunched
some big noise came from over there
and something happened very far away
there were some ooohs and aahhhhhs
another mumsy wumsy tracie flapped about
and some blokes, some other birds and some kids
at orange time a helmut with a stick stuck in it hoooted
then it was all about something again
blokes, chicks, kids... and streakers
they were my highlight
then we went for a pint
on point of principle
and paul kelly kept hassling us
any old excuse to push past us again
6 times in 15 minutes
just getting a pint of water
just getting a pint of stout
just getting a pint of hasselfhoff extra cheesy
just getting a pint of ale
just getting a pint of mixed toilet lollies
just get your fucking pint paul...
suspicions were confirmed when he pulled out a cd from under his leather jacket tried to sell us this black market copy of his new album...
its called 'just getting a pint'
dodgy geezer, trying that subliminal or something advertising on us.
luckily i had my paul kelly proof underwear on
a rumble grew in the background
and we left as the night was yet young and no fun is good fun

oh i nearly forgot, everything was simply lovely...

Personal Bill of Lunch

Personal Bill of Lunch ($45)


1. I have the right to suck as much munch as I wish
2. I have the right to say no to everybody all the bloody time
3. I have the right to ignore common sense
4. I have the right to lunch, and it’s going to be fruity
5. I have the right to rant senselessly at anybody in range
6. I have the right to swim in my own slurry
7. I have the right to disregard all counsel which doesn’t involve violation
8. I have the right to impose my own ill-conceived opinions on others
9. I have the right not to be responsible for absolutely anything I do, ever
10. I have the right to lie, deceive and pilfer
11. I have the right to be angry at any bastard I choose
12. I have the right to be clone my butt
13. I have the right to lunch myself in fear
14. I have the right to demean others and rub their faces in it
15. I have the right to never justify my bad behaviour
16. I have the right to make decisions based on passing whims or fancies
17. I have the right to my own needs for Beavis’ thumb
18. I have the right to speak unmitigated panty waste
19. I have the right to have Ivan Milat move in next door
20. I have the right to abuse my environment
21. I have the right to make my friends and use tinned spaghetti for their hair
22. I have the right to change my pants
23. I have the right to disrespect others wants and needs
24. I have the right to be treated with lashings of ginger beer
25. I have the right to be particularly snappy

no fire below you

I don't know
I don't know
I don't lie
I can't know
I can't imagine
I won't know
I won't tell
You say no
I shan't say
You never knew
My error of judgement
You won't know
I stand back
She didn't know
I'm unchanged
You cry no
I slipped out
they don't know
I don't doubt
You cannot know
That's the place
They won't know
I'm removed
It won't show
It's relaxed
He shan't know
I'm unhinged
I'll say no
It's transformed
he died below

my friend mr mountains

this blog is about my friend mr mountains
my friend mr mountains really should be called mr mounts
but that just doesnt sound right
a bit too suggestive
and we dont want to be suggestive about mr mountains
he can do that all by himself
hes a saucy cat that mr mountains
mr mountains first name would be alex
titter titter
mr mountains has a business with mr head
its called head & mountains
sounds imposing doesnt it?
like some kind of turbocharged anti dandruff shampoo
i think it should be called mountains & head
but what do i know about rocks?
mr mountains favourite word is belin
which he uses with amazing regularity
and he loves calling people marcioni
they have a geology type business which is in the old borsa
and i dont mean handbag
in a superb location just off piazza de ferrari
a fab building that just goes around and around
if you go there you feel like you are on some trip or in 2001 a space oddysey
your whole body just leans inwards despite the fact that there's absolutely no basis for it
they have a little office with a couple of desks
that doesnt smell like paint any more
the window closes now
not like in the bad old days
out that window you can see the rotund void in the middle of the building
like a doughnut
i bet he still hasnt put up on the wall that map of australia i smuggled through customs in a didgeridoo for him
they didnt believe me it was an instrument
in english or italian
like i was going to smuggle drugs in a 5 foot wooden tube!
deficenti!
mr mountains loves sampdoria
he plays football on the ics bocs and has wayne rooney in his samp team
mr mountains smokes camel blu - not camel blue
he loves talking about rocks
mr mountains is a veritable rock star
he even showed me this machine for digging holes that he was thinking about buying
not a big boys one thought
mr mountains made a big impression on emma
not when she came to visit
but in the photos later!
mr mountains loaned me his graham hancock book
it was bloody hard work to read in italiano
mr mountains went to tunisia to visit mr squillibrato
mr mountains is a big fan of mr squillibrato
mr mountains, mr squillibrato and mr marco all went to school together
along with various paoli, luca and others
i tell you
they are whacky guys that carignano bunch
they dont stray to far from their hill
mr mountains likes banda bardo and litfiba
he kindly fried me some cds
i wonder if one day mr mountains will to come australia
after all we have the biggest rock in the world
all power to mr mountains...

Mina is fab

see...
Anche un uomo

Ragazza mia ti spiego gli uomini
ti servirà quando li adopererai
son tanto fragili, fragili tu
maneggiali con cura
fatti di briciole, briciole che
l'orgoglio tiene su
ragazza mia sei bella e giovane
ma pagherai ogni cosa che otterrai
devi essere forte ma forte perché
dipenderà da te
tu sei l'amore il calore che avrà
la vita che vivrai.
anche un uomo può sempre avere un'anima
ma non credere che l'userà per capire te
anche un uomo può essere dolcissimo
specialmente se al mondo oramai
gli resti solo tu.
Ragazza mia adesso sai com'è
quell'uomo che mi porti via e vuoi per te.

the mad dog brothers remixture

bad snog
rad frog
lad bog
nad slog
fad clog
cad grog
sad mog
dad hog
gad cog
grad fog
trad wog
stade log
ad tog
tad nogg
chad flog
had grog

it's never the same... sospiro profondo

Zanzibar; the riposte

Did we ever meet in Zanzibar,- no Dave, I didnt see you there...
Two Caucasians at the town bazaar? I saw at least a dozen or so, what were you smoking?
Are you who you say you are?- theres no such thing as a limebeaver
Did you offer me a Dutch cigar? - is that a euphemism for spliff?
You must have thought you were so bourgeois.- yeah, i was positively middle class
Are you who you say your are? - yes, I am the love child of Ian Dury and Felicity Kendall

After all these years, you haven't changed at all - cant say the same for you baldy
But I can't say you look the same. - sounds like a cop out

Summer days are hot in Zanzibar - that much is true
And at night the sky is filled with stars. - that much is also true, very astute...
Listen. You can hear guitars. - i recall quaffing and blethering, there might have been some background tunes

Native people, skins as black as tar, - that is a gross generalisation dave, there is a wide mixture of racial groupings on the island
Wear bright-coloured robes in Zanzibar.- especially their smalls
They've never even heard of Ska! - lucky them, ra ra ra
On a tour of limestone caves - you what?
Did we see where traders kept their slaves? - stop showing yourself off
Was that how we spent the day? - no, we wandered about on the beach and spouted inanities, funny, I dont recall seeing you there

After all these years, you haven't changed at all- yes, nice of you to notice
But I can't say you look the same. - fammi un pompino

I have never been to Zanzibar - aha, i knew it
I have always thought it was too far - thats all a matter of perspective, its closer than la paz
You're not who you say you are. - alright, i never drove for toleman in the mid 80's as Ayrton Senna's team mate

Saint Swithin the patron saint of patronage

thinking back now
with my own hands
like the love that we spoke of forever
strange as it may seem
i feel like ive won the cup
the girl done better
a secret message to a happy home
my terror is complete
no need to act tough
they defied the landlords
you poor take courage
the god of greed
end all my fears
i pray this night
you will sail back
I wish that I could remember the first moment that we met
my diary dont even help
i know the days
i waked up in a dry bed
daddy i did
sister come feel
the clock is watching me
two dozen enquiries
nobody can say what the matter is
im sorry to say
to revisit the places we used to go together
keep the phone out of my way
i loved you then
i dont to change the world
they put you on a pedastal
you're a much better fishmonger
everything else is just icing on the cake
the strongman egyptologist
when you walk without peace
now im outside your house
20 years, 7 months and 27 days
you know when we sat out on the fire escaping talking
your sexual politics has left me all in a muddle
and how i loved those evening classes
ten hundred books could i write you
i wouldnt spread such a rumour around
if the women didnt enter into the deal
you will get lost in the universe alone
you will sail back before the day gets bright
when the world falls apart some things stay in place
her husband was one of those blokes
they stitched her back together
you and i were victims
a hot day, the smell of hairspray
late at night a lover thinks of these things
when he drops you off
as long as you come back to me
you said you loved me
You have your reasons, I will not ask...

facespace was the place

i solemnly declare the following;
dear auntie aggy in cumbernauld in need of a stairlift
with a failing heart of gold for 2 moons and boiling my socks
jason from orrrrrrrrrrrrregon who never abbhoooooooorrrrd the warrrrrrr
he went long from mission beach all the way to puerto penasco/rarrky point
2 scottish girls in a schoolroom cum hostel in the prague burbs
what language were we speaking ?!! what bloody language were they speaking?!!!!!
the tall american dude who taught me the mysteries of grand royal magazine in buda or was it pest?
everyone should have a mullet for a day...
Marisela who's uncle owned the best mexican restaurant on the planet, la jolla baby
hyperbole not required
who threw up on a backjacket and slept with a bloke who could have been my twin
the chinese fellow out the front of the imperial palace in tokyo
we played swapsies with cameras while i claimed to know the difference
rampant unhinged japanese giggling girty, being chased up and down the aisles of a JAL 747 at narita as we taxi
while some fool looks on all pleased coz he's got a spare seat all the way to Kota Kinabalu... I found out what was in her bag alright!
Raewyn the tramper who took me to the edge of Vic Falls, before bringing me back in one piece
then emailed me birthing photos from southern usa years later...ouch
evilgodmara from virginia who chatted the m4 away on a national express
dutifully admired the sin factory at porttaaaalbot and whose room could have been a smoking cold storage facility
Little romain with curls of gold, the cutest little bloke in perigord verd
who knew how to play the fools but lived in fear of the chicken bin
Lauren of the smoky chords, the most earthed being on those long bastard nights at chez camille
getting all and sundry high at the fete de epeluche down by the riverside causing sensory implosion at the bumpercars and fireworks... aiiiia
fabio the gobby little bugger that sent me to go do in a culo in godolphin
before wandering into my flat in via san luca suited and booted as an estate agent
ma che cazzo?
the sound melburnian in ica that knew beavis from pubs in st kilda but just couldnt untangle the 6 degrees of separation... as the maelstrom blew above and around us and some bastard took off second coming
bearded ben who lived in a geodesic dome somewhere on the gower
and knew moley/stumpy/dirty who got famous under a tree or up a motorway
Jules who was smart as pie and made me go all squishy in uplands
whom i 'disappointed' by showing at work on saturday still speeding, legless and shouty and who's water polo bloke did nothing but drool on colleagues and friends breasts and made her cry
darling Lilly the Japanese/Peruvian guide that you could keep in your pocket-pocket guide?
ushering fools up and down andean mountains til the mythical macchu picchu
handing out anti inflammataries, spotting bears and being so cute you just wanted to take her home
Dr Juvenal who was no doctor and had nothing to do with perry farrell
his pollo jokes and stale bread made all the salt in uyuni worthwhile
yo soy simon bolivar el libertadore del cinco pollos... so bog off

things that make me go crank

the han chinese in tibet
the javanese indonesians in West Papua
the Moroccans in West Sahara
the unnecessary pomposity of castillion
the arab sudanese in Darfur
the smugness of the french
the catalans that wont shut up
the celebrity culture
the israelis in Palestine
the saesnegs in Cymru
the cultural poverty of the americanisation that pervades the planet
the pink polo-shirted fuckers in the Prince of Wales
the concentration of media ownership
the turks forgetting the armenian genocide
the poles trying to make the eu catholic
the fact that corporations hold more power than elected representatives
the yanks in american (sic)Samoa, okinawa, diego garcia, bermuda, hawaii, iraq, afghanistan, sardinia, the val d'aosta, wherever the hell else they are...
the muslim morons that want to implement sharia law anywhere
the Liberal pricks in canberra
the populist idiots in venezuela
the leeches in cuzco
the pond scum squawking baksheesh in the land of the pharoahs
the publishers of the herald sun
the jjj tshirts in the burbs
the smell of the napalm in the early evening
the irresponsible march of globalism
the bastards of gunn destroying tasmania
the junta in burma that locks up ang etc etc
the cynical maggots that play the race card at election time
the daily torigraph
the futility of it all
the wankers that make current affairs telly/reality tv the world over
Silvio fucking Berlusconi
the marketing/PR/sales fools that insist on breathing
the big brother mentality of russian/soviet/cis governance
the religious fools of any prescription...
the muslims in europe who plan its downfall/murder its citizens/abuse fellow immigrants whilst exploiting it to the maximum
the ecuadorians/ukranians/albanians/russians/colombians/maghrebis that soil the bel paese
the breathtaking ignorance of 'americans' %35 believe the bible literally, %14 have passports
the noise new zealand types make when they slaughter their vowels
the tedium that is rugby league
the latent racism that lies in the hearts of so many australians
the hoodoo gurus album of the same name
the privatisation of public space
the fact that i broke the aerial so i cant watch sbs
the cliches that always come true
the horrible little man that cannot be named
the nobody knows my pain or suffering of teenagers
the jews that claim they are the chosen people
the systematic abuse of animals in intensive farming
mullets
the drivel that commercial radio plays
the whingeing of snotty nosed me
the stuffing of innocents in phone booths
the raging against the dying of the light
that i braked that fateful sunday morning in king st

il super lamentone

Ive got this cold deal
its really, really getting on my tits
not that theres all that much to get on
when i cough my brain shakes
and its hurts...
i can feel it bouncing off the sides of my head
fuckign ARSE!
better schlep another lolly thing
ahh thats better
stream of consciousness blog
what else is there to bitch about?
my nose is running
like the mother of all metaphors
you just cant look down
otherwise it takes its cue
and gushes out
forming pools of nasty on the pillow
imagery baby!
and bloody bloody blood noses!
they always come in handy
just when you think its safe to blow your nose
it gets all red and horrid
funk dat
its not even october
but where the hell does that come from?
sure, put me on a plane and my nose will crank it out
no eyelids battered
not like qualities of a fish
gravel etc.
but with a cold
oh just fuck off
lets not forget sleep disturbance
i know thats a favourite of all you families at home
you wake up every 14 mins precisely
snorting and suffocating as your lungs scream for air
and your nose tells it to get bent
only to fall pitifuly back into a miserable semi slumber
for 14 minutes until it all starts again
snuffle, schnortle.. gasp
fucccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
along with disturbed sleep comes its great mate fuzzy brain
whats that?
youd like to be able to string a sentence together?
youd like to be vaguely comprehensible?
youd like to be able to type a word with one syllable?
youd dare want to be able to concentrate until the end of a sentence or the 15 seconds of telly so you can find out whodunnit?
youd like to be able to differentiate between a 'q' and a 'm'?
no, screw you!
inchorent you were born and incoherent you shall remain
arsewipe
one cant bitch and moan about a cold
and leave out sneezing
strangely pleasant from some angles
until your bones start rattling
and your brain too
and you just feel dopey and need to lie down
coz some molecules have been disturbed in your 'ed
and thrusted unwillingly at your proboscis
fucker
another all time fave is deafness
what? you say...
well fuck you smartarse..
i cant hear you so i dont care
i cant hear ed kuepper on the stereo
being all portentious
and banging on about how superb he is
mysteriously though
and this is food for thought
the muppet upstairs smashing the floor above my bed at precisely 8am
i can make out every hammer blow
every carpet rip
every whatever the hell else renovating carpenting homy-fixy sort of blokes do
must be like dogs hearing
with whistles and wotnot...
coz i can hear every slam, bam, rip, schlock and whack
bouncing and reverbing,
penetrating under the afore mentioned ultra 'you can do headstands in your sanitary napkin' thin layer of rest and recovery that is supposed to encase your febrile mind until all is well or at least on that track with hiking boots
almost forgot, no well i did forget...
temperatures going haywire
left arm too cold?
throw on a jacket
oh shit
now the right shoulder blade is overheated and melting down
sweat pouring down your furrowed self-pitying brow
take off that big hood thing
pants
now the neck is getting some kind of frostbite
icicles forming on hairline
so, very, cold
left iris got the chills?
crank up the heating
ouch!
that was a kidney liquefying

happy happy joy joy

caroline said

option #2...
there was a young man from Bastardo

when he was 3 whilst chasing Pan

he fell down a big mine (of which there are many in the traditional Paese Nero surrounding Bastardo

he rolled and tumbled endlessly and fell unconscious after dashing his head on a wolverine shaped protuberance

when he awoke he discovered that he had accidentally swallowed some San Pedro cactus - at leasts that's what he told his Evil Step-Uncle

and began hallucinating and seeing creatures from watership down emerging from railside shrubbery and strange flashing lights that didnt even flash

oh fuck, he thought

and a beaver that flashed different phosphorescent colours

it made him feel rather queasy, so he asked it 'please signore beaver, dont flash me so'

and his risposte was 'i shall cease my chameleonic changing and remain lime and lime only if you promise to lead a virtual life of lies, deceit and intrigue and take on my name'

which sounded like a good deal to the young man from Bastardo

So he assented 'alright guvnor, sorted'

the beaver flashed one last brilliant time and settled on an eerie lime, before winking knowingly at him and scurrying off amongst the rocks and the abandoned shopping trollies.

as he scratched his back with a 4 pronged stick he felt convinced he could deceive that beaver and never plumb those depths of depravity and live a fulfilling life of varied and many rich experiences

but he didnt... sad git

partyface

not to forget (or mention)...
those 2 groovy frenchlings we met in Creel,
the minxy blonde one and the luvverly Claire from Lyon
bon nuit and sneaky photos of a bloke in big stupid trousers
fun quebecois who shared our truck in the salaar di uyuni
suffering mr the twats 'impressive' stories
or Taka the nicest man in Tokyo
who vomited out the taxi door after a strange drinking competition
Lovely old couple/hotel managers in Kyoto
driving a fool around with a tv on the dashboard
the former ANC fighter who trained and fought in Angola
telling his stories in a hostel in knysna
Sound Italian manager/dealer of huanchaco
so happy to have so many italian speakers in one place
and beavis...
helpful alitalia lady in Prague office, grazie mille
Writing fibby little stories on official letterhead
Mortens blondefest mate Sven?
demanding i chew my baccy and another round in the gothenburg sports bar
Linda the dog walker from engerland somewhere
horrendous food poisoning sufferer thanks to nile boat fools
fighting the good fight and sampling the aftershock
double belgian couple trouble in the 'camping' in Cap Corse
except he was dutch and they lived on sakhalin
wine with your mosquitos anyone?
Crazy Canadian Coyote Cal (honestly a writer in hollywood) in Erendira, Baja
First customers ever, saw your brick of dope in half, play slicky tricky pool but DO NOT watch the big lebowski
ickle Megumi 'Ie' on the beach south of Tokyo
with a (shock!) slab of kirin, fireworks and a crush on tak-thankyouverymuch
Christines ex Damian of Kentucky Forest Hills
looking familiar and then very drunk in Innsbruck hostelbar
Insane Australian Half man-half bull in the westbourne
nose ring, long hair, 76ft 3',and a stoned espanola in tow
or Nacho the disgruntled Spaniard
cranky coz all laughed at him in the mexican restaurant where he worked as a waiter
Pretty Great Carmen in Valencia who believed in God, lamented spains loss of grandeur
and was amazed i couldnt tell the difference in pronunciation between carrejeros and caballeros... damned fool I am!
Bellamy of the bottom, manager of Hip Hop-1 free beer-hostel in Capetown
writing gob smacking stories in my diary, which I could only read on the overnight torment of coach to Johannesburg, never to return...
Roberta, brother in law of Raffaella in Bergamo
DHL employee, foreign banknote collector and exquisite dinner maker
the most unfortunate blonde australian backpacker on the ferry from Santorini to Pireaus
tales of sleeping on island beaches, Thomas cook's treachery and missing red converses...

bookface

everybody lines up
they point their sticks out that way
they plug in their bottom buttons
scan their photos
snivelly shorts and all
sitting in bristol
sitting in moscow
sitting in the kitchen
maybe even sitting on their seats
dont bloody ask me
come up with a natty catchphrase
unlock their footbox
and see who is out there
i have 8 friends
ha!
i had 58 not that long ago
but some things happened
the whole adam and steve charade
someone found the keys
and let out all the bats
told all those stories
about small men
and plums in that ladies mouth
so then it fell off
now, i just need to track down;
that bloke with the guitar and ponytail in Creel
hanging in the copper canyons and who turned off the bar lights?
the dubliner in berlin
doing guided pub tours and explaining its guinness fault hes fat
james joyce can go to a spa
that big dumb american in interlaken who said hey big guy
and wanted to know what was up...He may not have been taking the piss
sharrrrnta who was indignant and a bit too smart in rome
mrs adrianne and her hospitality in arizona
glenda the sound kiwi guy on a truck all over africa
who called me lemonhead, screamed 'BAFFFFFOON', then sent me his t shirt
good bloke from up norf who was my nairobi mate for a day and a half
but he wanted to see a gorilla
the bloke from jersey or guernsey who got drunk with me in auckland
and was in trub with the taxman if he went home
the cool couple from queensland who played in Krakow
we dined and i ranted about the mistreatment of aborigines, missing the point entirely
the cute waitress girl in kosice who posed and then wrote
went to the US to be a nanny
the polish lady in west london pub lunching with dad
smiling at my jin dobre
the bi portuguese bloke who cooked his toasties in the westbourne and taught me bastardo
then i ignored him years later in carnaby st
the daft kiwi who wanted a rugby contest in bergen
i just dont care and he just wouldnt believe it
the christian anna in swansea who built huts in zimbabwe near the mozambique border
the super red haired girl on the plane from tokyo
who drank vodka and orange and smoke with me in the thoughtfully provided part-time smokers seats on JAL planes...sigh
the sweet israeli guy in iguazu hostel
telling tales of dodgy packs of israelis
man he had a point
that very very very attractive girl in Ica, that someone thought was a prostitute
who nearly caused a kidney failure, to club or not to club?
those darling little 2 norwegian girls in salisbury
identikit twins in all their sweet blondeness and separation anxiety
sweet mrs crossley, angsty at first
taking me swimming and pinting at the posho essex country club
lovely girl in edinburgh for hogmany
kissing everybody with her cold sore, except me
mad drunk jamie and dawn in swansea
who adopted me and then got beaten up by bouncers
Janes cute backpacker buddy katrina
the final piece of the bizarre love quadrangle
who shocked me in front of the sacre coeur
merrill from las vegas who shared my room in budapest
showed that americans can be cool
but had moved to Colorado by the time i got to the US
the three sweet middle aged ladies in plastic factory in Swansea Enterprise Park, Parc Anturiaeth Abertawe... oooh errr...llansamlet
Just as sweet and bemused in '99 as in '96: accounts and reception, do you want a cup of tea?
Si the gaming nutbag in Henley on Thames
practicing his playstation moves as he worked and rushing off home for a spliff at lunchtime...
Kate from Russia, furthering herself in Salsibury
with the bad glasses and blue jeans who fell off the earth near Sevilla
and Keith who put it in deep...

i reckon ive got a lot of ideas

i had this corker of an idea
it was going to be a grate blog
full of thrills
gills
and smelly-bakes
it was going to have a reader in raptures
nothing to do with big death
or bollocks religion
just fascination at the superb wordplay
and insightful social commentary
it was going to be a fab, fab thing
but it didnt
but i wasnt
but you couldnt
you see
it just up and left
no down and right
that super concept that was going to happen
it got otherwise engaged
it had to do something relevant
and that bit of brainspace was filled with other roba
completely bloody useless stuff at that
whats it all about?
the screaming and the shouting?
dont ask J Lydon
coz he told you so
shore
you might say
9 was a sound album
armada, happy et al
we're having a party!
not to mention disappointed...
well isnt crap
what friends are for?

thatd be a lazy digression
that could be an attempted cover up
of a complete dearth of ideas
but an overwhelming sense of compunction

same old story...

no more good news at all

the suicide bomb is a new tactic
the police still arent used to coping
come to kabul
ordinary civilians
south of the country
a city wide open to attack
online
gerry adams
run all over canberra
lewis's team mate
from the very first corner
a blend of pure delight
and pure relief
up against our other major trading partners
ike for president
time was
doesnt have to be squeaky clean
entertaining results
this is ridiculous
gone are the days of the good old fashioned jingle
mild in vancouver
doing some final repair work
goodnight

right of reply

no exercising it tho

god save the queens birthday

some old english bird had a birthday
it wasnt this week
its in Mars or something
that dont matter
we cant still have a day off
i think it was frederica mercurio
i thought she was dead
or was that the queens brother?
what disrespect
so fredericas not dead
well what will ian astbury do when he breaks up with jim morrisson hostel?
so at precisely 4.56, 11.56, 20.56 and 29.56 i got down on my big map of the world and prayed towards the oversized pink bit
and was greatful to the fact that some halfwit vikings come frenchmen invaded a crapola island 900 years ago
ever since they have shagged their sisters
and gradually become ever more inbred and daft
then made thousands of men slaughter eachother while they played tiddlewinks
and talked all toff like
screwthemvis
an empire was born
based upon greed and racism
and it was one of the better ones
ththththththththth wouldve been worse
or jsjsjsjsjsjssjjsjs for that matter
or letwatwtwatwtawtawtwtwattwat
or hckchchskhsscccchchchchchsplit
so we got that one
and we were a part of the umpire
until the umpire got done
and then we became part of the new umpire
from snooty and anal
to crass and ugly
but we kept all the good things
westminster system
irony
bad food
lack of social skills
alcohol abuse
tea
left side driving
cricket
dodgy residency rights
fear of openness
those crappest of crap games
the junket of olympiad
the young ones
that ugly thing on the flag
and the royal family
all over the coinage
all over the government
and all over the shitful magazines
theres no future in australias dreaming...

Beavis; The Album

track listing;
1.beavisisprobablygay.com
2.embryo
3.he still has a strange attraction to women with faces like hers
4.blimey fish-the extended dance mix
5.pete baby pete pete baby baby pete baby - repeat
6.post nasal drip
7.anal intruder, you know you want it - from the musical of the same name
8.the leon who loved me
9.i want you backflip
10.vanessa did what in the car in surrey hills?
11.i love my mum
12.in an impure manner
13.is she really going with pete..?
14.maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggot
15.do you know summer holiday by beavis sux?
16.back seat taxiderrrrrrrrrmist
17.standing arounds (doo wop wop wop)
18.no you settle down travis
19.Dont you want me Nigel?
20.up yours i may be a great big whiffy homosexual but i sonofasherillbutistillsuckmorethan you

All music written by T.Avis (except 10-written by P.Pino) and (18 written by Nuggois). Lyrics by B.Munch. all instruments played by the band except track 5. portfolio played by N.Ige. Copyright F.knocker music.Recorded at Maggoty Sounds Studio, Spofforth, Islanda. 2007

up your rrrs tism

les murray is a magyar
and he knows how to gad about with a polo neck jobbie on
hed be on my invite list to the dinner party from which there was no turning back abandon all hope ye who munch here
andrew orsatti is something to do with pronto bears
thatd be a good name for a nad hockey team in the desert
may well have plaid for fishcara
knows his way around a dialect
Tony Plumbow will knock you senseless with his eye obscene size package parcel cases
puo darsi che sia un terrone...
wot a geezer like!
fozzie fozzie fozzie
a long line of shit beer is his lineage
frank blackateepee is a good un
is he a sandwicher or a bikinese?
damien lovelock is a legend car
and he knows peter koppes
that other andrew bloke is a gleek
couldnt pronounce his way into a brothel of monosyllabic cheese whores
and rubbish
the other bloke is just ho hum
might prove to be okay
probly not tho
looks largely on the gormless boat steering class to me
and blonde birdy bird had more mouth than most
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
then there was other birdy bird
something with allbranz
ubermensch?
must have been good
got stolen by crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrap channel pants/bollocks
dont matter which it is
they are pretty much the same thing anyway
brank of cowards
thatd be a crow nation i reckon
squishy faced fooker
and how about nedfest?
5'8
9'3 with the ego
what simply fascinating treatise this is proving to be

flat

-----------------------------------------------
phhhhhhht
phhhhhhht

all the airs gorn

-----------------------------------------------

little green beer monster

here he comes again
sneaking around just outside
i think i saw him peering in the window
with that horrid beak thing
bastard
where does he come from?
i bet its slimy there
hes never actually in sight
always in the periphery
fucker
the strange shadow moving behind the fronds
it seems that he never really sods off
just hanging about there
waiting for me to slip
maggot
its nothing personal mind
it never bloody is
warts on all his extremities
skulking over there
prick
his got a friend too
the fag monster
when hes holding you down
fag monster shows up and shafts your lungs
i suspect its a whale and limpet deal
they work in tandom
luckily there arent others about
stronzo
must have some kind of wand to cast his spells of boredom or misery
just one drizzle and its chocks away
its all over
self control taken out the back and beaten about the head
beer monster moves in
makes you do and say stupid things
arse
he takes all your money
leaves you feeling all shitey and morose
seamy pezzo di merda
bloody buggery bollocks

i saw this film, but there was no dome

title; Zodiac
cinema; my brother george
duration; long
director; that bloke
starring; some blokes and some birds and some short people
genre; old
Plot; some bloke goes off his nut and kills people, especially snogging couples with bad hair and stupid clothes. It is all very mysterious. He writes to the pigs and the papers. He uses a code. very tricky. A nerd at the paper tries to figure it out. He has a crap salvagente and some brown beavis cords. some other bloke with a camp scarf gets drunk and takes lots of drugs. It gets very heavy. The pigs are lead by the woggy bloke from chips. He has quality sideburns. the bad guy has a limp. but is he the bad guy? probably. beavis was dissatisfied, prefers resolution. something about lakes, parties and libraries. also featuring; buildings, people being serious a lot, crap old cars, too many americans, some old bloke who liked writing, bad nana miskouri hair and glasses, some bloke from some other film, a taxi, blue drinks and lots of fags.
verdict; yeah its alright.
rating; 3 flushes and a half flush coz you cannot be too careful
interesting facts; the main bloke has more than a passing resemblance to Erik the Finocchio. My jacket was warm. guinness is good.

the further adventures of super tonto

look
down on the ground
quite literally
it's super tonto!
is it a slug
is it a sloth
no its super tonto!
he can stroll faster than an old lady with both hips replaced
he can leap (step) cracks in the pavement without forgetting to put the bins out
he can bend tacos as if they were nachos
yes its super tonto!
he can wear is smalls on the outside without fear of mockery
he sports a cape and doesnt suck on blood
his mask is only a bit wonky
whats this i hear?
A crimewave....!
fear not, super tonto will be here in a couple of weeks to foil the evil doers
whats that you say?
an asteroid on a collision course with the earth....!
stay calm, super tonto will look into it in due course, just after he watched another few eposides of futurama
how can it be?
a foreign power has declared war....?
be still tender one, super tonto will sue for peace and dissuade the aggressors with his waning charms and 90 percent of the GDP for the next 120 years
Can it be possible?
the outbreak of a killer pandemic....?
Remain indoors, super tonto will destroy it with medical research that was unfortunately cancelled by a pseudo religious government leaving only a bit of dettol

Now all this has been pointed out, super tonto will put the phone down and go away quietly

not me...

and if i did i wouldnt bloody tell you about it

silver bloody doors

yes they do my head in
silver bloody doors
3 particular types
silver doors in elevators
silver doors airports
silver doors on trains
silver bloody doors
always taking something away
always closing horizontally
as you watch a precious thing gradually get thinner
then disappear
fuck it
i lost her over and over again to silver doors
those bloody english silver doors
taking it all away
maybe even tearing it all away
or closing it all away
hopes and dreams
arses
ooops....
somebody just hollowed me out
with a flesh chisel and an ice hammer
fuck it
errr what happens next?
holland park tube
the name escapes but the image is burnt in
off to golders green to the minted family friends
go marry a pilot...
the ones of a kind
not my bloody kind
i showed them and their basin!
bloody heath bloody row airport
bed and breakfast fisting
ahh it wont take long
its just a tube trip away
giggle and spit
eat rubbish overpriced english breakfast
make the most of it
lap it up
missed the flight
oh dear oh dear
waitlisted
oh shit oh shit
last minute seat
oh fuck oh fuck
put the empty vessel back on the tube
perk up
tomorrow a friend comes
some bleached buffoon with biceps
paying only 345343434 quid a night at marble arch
sleep overs can get you big trub
off we go on the next big adventure
should be great
should be beside oneself
look bright
sure
shitsticks
big fucking chance of that coming on down
at least its not the end of the world....
if only i had already met gruff

I heard it from my friends, about the things she said

carrots, kale, corn cob, lemons, pineapple, ginger, tamari, chai tea, bullets

theres a hole in face dear insanity lady

what the fook?
where did that come from?
lets just take a short cut to the truth
lets hide the truth
lets find a playground
but its not really a playground
it should have been tho
i was convinced of it
otherwise i would never have hurled myself over the fence
surely you believe this much
i would
funny looking playground
with some muppet on the other side of it
uncanny
nuffink better than a face plant plant
oooch lucky i am numb like
keep at it
hurl yourself repeatedly at it
found objects
chairs
different sizes
do it again!!!!
whoops, dropped something
lucky i noticed that
who knows how long it went on for
stifled larfta
a little plastic chair
obliterated
a mercedes trampled
a ladder discovered when all seemed lost
a little on the rickety side
pretty bloody little
it did the job
just
larfing
larfing
larfing
shshshhshsh
a trampoline over that way
next fence
off we go again
butt in your face
buttface
up and over
despite selfish slanty fence bits
bye bye ladder
bye bye lady
climbed to the top of the pile
no glass ceilings around here
haaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa bloody ha

Stevis spark willson-luncher- 43 today

lack of loose inspiration-spandex chalet-old

Damn you for coming home
Im sorry that the video's all marrone
Horse left it there I could have sworn
These are my slurry days
Slowly being scarfed away
Just another slander that you are gay
Oh but Im nauseas coz of you,but Im nauseas coz of you
Your arse has the power to maul
Leon has left you standing so tall
Old
Always believe in your bunghole
Youve got the power to gas
Youre incoherent
Always believe it,because you are
Old
Damn you, youre bound to return
Theres nothing I could have learned
Youre incoherent,always believe it
After the rash has gone
I hope you find a little more fro
Remember Leon and you were partners in crime
Its only 15 years ago
The pyscho with the pony tail and the grin
You know that he was there in rex court
Now hes in love with you, hes always in love with you
And his love is like a bottle shop window
But Leon left you standing so tall
Old
Always believe in your bunghole
Youve got the power to maim
Youre incoherent
Always believe it, because you are
Old
Damn you, youre bound to return
Theres nothing I could have learned
Youre incoherent, always believe it...

whats up with the maths on your boots on your feet?

thats a pretty damn stupid place to put your maths
nerd.
no, homes you dont know what time it is
sure, you know pythagorarses theorem at a glance downward
but you'll end up with OCD before i do
not to mention motion sickness
fucking twat