Who is YOUR favourite ned zelic?

Mature Exxxperienced Captain Ned, he knows all the moves on your set pieces... and has no qualms about warming your bench...

Fresh and Innocent Barely Legal Ned, straight from school to olyroos camp where he is waiting for your training session ...

Ned Grohl-Zelic-the saucy Ned that is guaranteed to rock the foundations of your defences, and give your back (4) a hard time...

Click on this link to find out who is NED'S favourite Ned
He knows you want it...
http://stopwastingmyoxygen.com/zelic/index2.html

Portfolio eye view of the world C Part 2

Comoros
Hmm some islands somewhere near africa? More than one, because there is and 's'. I'm plumping for the indian ocean. You could do worse than go there and dip your toe in the water and send me a postcard.
Travel advice-Vote for boat!

Congo
Things get tricky here, as Congo can easily be mixed up with the democratic republic of congo... A process of deduction would suggest that Congo should be renamed Non Overtly Undemocratic Monarchic thigh boot banana skin empanada of Congo. That'd make my life a bit simpler. Selfish gits.
Travel advice-get your congo's straight

Democratic Republic of Congo
If it ain't brown, take it down. Something to do wiith Patrice Lumumba and the belgians being prats. Peter Garrett told me so before he sold out and became the worlds tallest and baldest politician. This could apply to the above empanadalandia but as research is an anathema to a portfolio we shall never know. Apologies if this is so.
travel advice-theres a big difference between a conga line and a congo line.

Costa Rica
Happily translated as rich coast it all sounds pretty promising. Much better than Coste de mierda por ejemplo. Right in the skinniest of skinny bits in central america, nearby panama city hotel... Reports coming in fresh off the beep beep dot dash machine claim its really great and chilled out. Jungles, beaches and relaxed latino people, not pasta and maybe even il giaguaro da da da dah... Not to be confused with Puerto Rico, despite all the symmetry in richness.
travel advice-hang in there rich coast i'm a coming

Cote d'Ivoire/Ivory Coast
Didier Drogba, Didier Drogba!!! Western african country along the coast. They just had to have their name in french coz it sounds so 'chic' dont it?! If Drogba is a reasonable example its a nation full of people who are really great at kicking things and even better at falling over for no particular reason. It must be hell trying to walk about in ole ivory coast town with people dropping like flies all over the place and the road toll would be horrific. The name of the country is taken from the bad old colonial days when they used to grow ivory vines for delicious snack treats called Ivur Bigguns.
travel advice-learn how to say 'stand up you twat' in french

Croatia
It sure is. On the other side of the adriatic from italy. With a whacky flag obviously copied from the table cloths of italian restaurants all over the world, altough you cant make out a cheesy basket cosa of chianti. Perhaps known as illyria in roman times and a great big war zone in the 1990s. There are loads of beautiful islands and the famous city of split with red rooves. Home to an unreasonable amount of talented footballers for such a small country, but many are pinched form some great continent/cuntry in the south. Catherine went there with cym for a holiday and so did i, in an alternate reality.
travel advice-alternative realities often turn out to be better than the crap you are junked with, so take more drugs.

Cuba
Viva el presidente! or something like that. A former spanish colony and the biggest island in the carribean. Became kind of famous in the 1960s when El Che, fidel castro and bunch of other beards invaded it and made it into a communist state just to piss off godblessamerica. Thereafter followed the bay of pigs invasion, the cuban missile crisis and a whole lot of communist propoganda bullshit. As homer simpson pointed out in theory communism works and its has basically gone down the toilet since then. It is now a destination for european package holidays and to give hugo chavez somewhere to bang on about. Big ththththt alert.
travel advice-go to guantamo bay and moon the yanks.

Cyprus
its in two bits, the larger LEGITIMATE, INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED bit is run the greek cypriots, the smaller ILLEGITIMATE, NOT INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED bit is run by turkey. The ridiculous state of affairs occurred when their was a bit of a hit of state and the turks invaded. very fucking clever. It should be pointed out that cyprus also has a gazillion years of history and most of the last 2000 years have probably involved the greeks and turks getting their crank on at each other over it. Emmas mums family is from cyprus and lost loads of land with loads of oranges when they had to scarper to the uk to avoid big clever turkish army people. Emma now takes credit for any great or good achievements of all greeks in history, we are all indebted to you my dear.
travel advice-the green zone is not so called because of the paint job or because kermit lives there, you muppet.

Czech republic
Not bloody czechoslavakia alright?! That ceased to exist a while back. Capital city prague is fabultastico, absolutely stunning gothic archtiecture and rally cheap everything. At least it was until the english found out about the cheap beer and trashed the place. I bought an icecream cake because i could and stayed in a schoolroom turned youth hostel and ate a load of magnum white chocolates. Everything was marvellous until i left passport etc on the underground and then everything went down the bog munching machine device. famous denizens include pavel nedved, kandinsky and kundera.
travel advice-dont leave your fucking passport on the underground

Adius by Piero Ciampi

heheheheh... puoi dirlo forte piero!

ADIUS (Ciampi - Marchetti)

Il tuo viso esiste fresco
mentre una sera scende dolce
sul porto.
Tu mi manchi molto,
ogni ora di più.
La tua assenza è un assedio
ma ti chiedo una tregua
prima dell'attacco finale
perchè un cuore giace inerte
rossastro sulla strada
e un gatto se lo mangia
tra gente indifferente
ma non sono io,
sono gli altri.
E così...

Vuoi stare vicina? nooo?
Ma vaffanculo. Ma vaffanculo.
Sono quarant'anni che ti voglio dire... ma vaffanculo.
Ma vaffanculo te e tutti i tuoi cari. Ma vaffanculo.

Ma come? Ma sono secoli che ti amo, cinquemila anni, e
tu mi dici di no? Ma vaffanculo. Sai che cosa ti dico? va-ffan-culo. Te,
gli intellettuali e i pirati. Vaffanculo. Vaffanculo .
Non ho altro da dirti. Sai che bel vaffanculo che ti porti nella tomba?
Perché io sono bello, sono bellissimo, e dove vai? Ma vaffanculo. E
non ridere, non conosci l'educazione, eh? Portami
una sedia, e vattene.

Portfolio eye view of the world - C Part 1

Cambodia
As Jello Biafra said, It's a holiday in cambodia where'll you do what your told. Unfortunately Cambodia is famous for the khmer rouge and pol pots nasty habit of killing absolutely everybody, all the time. Which is a pity because its the home of the ancient khmer culture who built the super fab angkor wat amongst others. Its on my list of historical cool stuff to see, as soon as possible. Cambodia also has loads of noodles and rice and had the crap bombed out of it by the americans when they were losing the war of bombing the crap out of vietnam. And how about that mekong delta? pretty soggy innit?
travel advice- you don't need to take pot noodles

Cameroon
Not to be confused with cameron, who is my cousin or david cameron who is a smug twat. Its sort of west african, on the western top of the bottom bit but not quite on the sticky out bit. Teknikal tork that. Camerroon became vaguely famous in the 1980's when a big gas leak sprung out of a volcano or something and killed loads of people. One of the people it didnt kill was Roger Milla, the best african footballer ever and a bloke who managed to look cool in crap 80's shorts even in his 40's.
travel advice-dont try to speak to the locals in finnish, it'll never work

Canada
offical name-Canadia. A really big pink thing on top of godblessamerica. Unfortunately it has a whole bit which is run by french people, or the remnants of french people. According to south park (the most reputable source imaginable) canadians have flapping heads and beady eyes. beavis went skiing there once and got a towel, Canadians abroad wear their flag on their suitcases, lest people confuse them with guatemalans. A long list of crimes against humanity include alanis morrisette, bryan adams, michael bubbly and celine dion.
travel advice-ask everybody you see what its all 'aboot'

Cape Verde
Hmmm, might well be some islands in the atlantic, probably off africa somewhere (as a fair bit of the atlantic is).
travel advice-find it then.

Central African Republic
It's central and african and a republic. How about some dark skinned people and some history of dodgy european invaders who trashed the place? Maybe a jungle or two as well.
travel advice-find out if what i just wrote is shite before lying to your mates and telling them you just went there.

Chad
When they were handing out comedy names, chad sure got somewhere near the front of the queue, i mean 'chad', what was wrong, was 'choad' taken? In the middle of western africa some where near timbuktu and all that gear. Subsaharan but basically a big desert. Nearby other comedy gold named Niger. I used to work with a guy called chad, he was a complete and utter fuckwit.
travel advice-dont' point and laugh at the locals and guffaw about their country name or you may find a spear up your arse.


Chile
Finally a change of fucking continent. A big long strip of land between the pacific and the andes from peru to the bottom of south america. Was home to salvador allende and isobel too, but that all went wrong. Augusto Pinochet became president coz godblessamerica thought it was a good idea and he killed and tortured thousands and had a beard. A cileno colleague in wales married a welsh bloke called simon, everybody laughed, except me. Home to the atacama desert which is the driest place on earth and also a fair chunk of the tierra del fuego, not at all the driest place on earth. It is also the other side of licancabur volcano, depending on where you sit.
travel advice-if you are beavis, stay away from the public lavatories.

China
A country which is run by a tinpot dictatorship. A complete disgrace which invaded tibet not to mention the uighur lands in the north west. Home to nearly a bllion and a half people, many of whom live in dire poverty while the ahem 'communist' government is rife with corruption. The country that makes pretty much everything we own but has one of the worst human rights records on the planet. Watch out for the next world war to have china in a starring role as tens of millions of angry brainwashed single young men have nothing better to do. I do like prawn crackers tho and it must also be pointed out that china has the oldest continuous civilizations today and invented pretty much half the things we have now. So although right now it's pretty much a disgrace there are plenty of funky pony tails, pottery and dazzling history if you look pre mao and his long march of horse shit. Has several walls though you CANNOT see them from space.
travel advice-stay away, don't support the filth that govern the nation.

Columbia
Ohh Columbia how I wish to visit you. Right on the lid of south america, bordering ecuador (boo hiss) and venezuela (yay) These days famous for drug cartels primarily concerned with cocaine. In fact its the champion cocaine manufacturer on the planet. Godlbessamerica has spent billions trying to defeat them, but as usual they are just wankers. The leftist guerillas FARC started off soundly but ended up just peddling drugs trying to stay around. It seems sooner or later they will farc right off. Simona the groovy mum of vanessa is from there and i planned a trip to cartagena to steal all the spanish gold, but it didnt happen. Home of Vallllllllderamma, the most famous big hair in the universe.
travel advice-be VERY careful if you are a colombian politician, unless you want an indefinite jungle holiday

Euro 2008 update 2

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
live from badstock, austria:
we are now up to the semi final stages, after some strange things happening in the quarters.
turkey beat croatia - jammy, jammy gits
germany beat portugal - they are a machine!
russia beat holland - what the fuck?! and they outplayed them like legendcars
spain beat Italy - in a battle of who can be the most defensive, diving scumbags... huzzah

which leaves us with turkey v germany - should be hairy as the turks dont have any players left, (except for the german ones) they have all been booked for being backwards bungholes or got broken. They really shouldnt stand a chance against germany, unless of course they play fatih's game.
and
russia v spain -we wonder which spain will show up, the exciting passing beasty one or the bed wetting i hurt my culo one. Russia have been brill and Guus is no goose. But do we really need to give the russians government any more reasons to belligerant tosspots?
limebeaver picks- germany do turkey like its christmas in laverstock and russia thumps spain who only have themselves to blame for trying to be all clever clogs.

beavis has left the building

he sure has
i checked before
knocked on his door
then went in
theres no beavis there at all
his bike is there...
parked
i suspect he's not at work either
more likely overhead somewhere
not over my head
oh no.......
im way to smart
micio doesnt seem to be too bothered
tho he was being quite sucky last night
there certainly seems to be less hair around at present

euro 2008 update 1

fresh news the 2008 european championship has just started, about a week and a half ago...
a limebeaver exclusive can reveal that people have been kicking a ball about in variously coloured national strips. sometimes the ball has gone in the net, lots of times it hasnt.
thousands of other people have been crowding into big square stadia to watch them do it. marvellous effort that...
big teams such as germany, france, italy and portugal have been at it.. as well as weaker teams such as austria, greece (who are shit) and switzerland.
as of now, greece, france, austria, switzerland, czech republic, poland and romania are out O U T !
therefore italy, spain, portugal, holland, croatia, turkey and Germany are in I N ! the quarter finals. The match between Sweden and Russia will decide the last quarter finalist...
quarter finalist ratings;
italy-boo
spain-ththth
portugal-jjjjjjj
holland-brillo pads
croatia-pretty gnarli
turkey-bog off
germany-schnooore
russia/sweden-ciao ciao

FORZA OLANDA!

Portfolio eye view of the world- B

B Part 2
Bolivia
Landlocked country in central south america. Probably the poorest country on the continent, but with perhaps the most friendly people. Women wear bowler hats with big frilled coloured skirts. Spectacular scenery from tropical forests to snowed mountain tops to enormous dried salt lake beds.
Also home to the worlds highest lake, lake titicaca, where you can throw golf balls and nobody will tell you off and the worlds hightest golf course where you cant throw lakes. ththththth alert! but you could ask them to talk in qechua or the other one.
travel advice-the bike trip on the death road is great fun but the name could be more made more attractive, perhaps 'the flowery chocolate syrup road'?

Bosnia and Herzegovina
For some mysterious reason when every other bit of the balkans was breaking up into the smallest possible fragments, nations defined by hairstyle/moles on foot etc, these two have stuck together. I fear it may be to do with some religious bullshit. The site of lots and lots of nasties in the nineties when everybody was giving serbia the big G.F. And why is eva herzegovina hanging around with some two-bit shit tip like bosnia, i would buy her rice paper roll...
travel advice-don't mention the war (unless you want to be bummed out terribly)

Botswana
Groovacious country in southern africa, bordering south africa (that's how southern it is). Home to loads of parks and great wildlife, the big one being the okovango delta where you can see lions, elephants, buffalos, hippowotsmuses and loads more. They had a president once and probably still do. The delta is fab for canoey boaty trips but dont hang about coz the crocodiles like gringo flesh.
travel advice-zig zag if an elephant chases you, take off your shirt and wave it around if a rhino chases you... if a lion chases you, you are todgered

Brazil
It's bloody enormous, not just big, but bloody enormous. Probably two thirds of south america. Owns most of the amazon, except for the bits they have destroyed at an alarming pace. Also famous for beaches, amazing football, pele, a great big jesus on a hill and pretty ladies. I spent an afternoon there and gave away a pizza to some bloke who didnt see it coming.
travel advice-dont get confused and think you are in lichtenstein and try to walk from one side of the country to the other

Brunei
A farce of a country, on the north coast of borneo. the only bit that didnt get snapped up by malaysia or indonesia. The sultan or 'big tosspot' is one of the richest men in the world and has 1510 wives. An interesting fact is that most people think that brunei is actually in the middle east, partially because its run by a bunghole who wears daft clothes, clings on to a dated religion and has oil coming out of his urethra.
travel advice-you can spit off the the top of mt kinabalu right into the kings horseshit sundae.

Bulgaria
Eastern european country that threw off the shackles of the ussr to become a land for middle class brits to buy a cheap holiday home. Can't afford the costa del sol/brava/de los ingleses borrachos? Off to bulgaria and get some cheap green land, at least thats what i heard from some bloke in los llanos.
travel advice-there are no seats in a no standing zone

Burkina Faso
err... definitely in africa, most likely in the westerny bit. may well be on the coast and small or inland and enormous.
travel advice-jesus was black man, jesus was batman

Burma
not to be referred to as myanmar nor biscuits are salutory. Located in south east asia between thailand and bangladesh. the predominant religion is Buddhism so you want notice them trying to blow up your aeroplane. The groovy aun sung shi something has been locked up ever since winning an election some time last century. I would buy her a hot cocoa with 1 marshmallow. Currently run by ruthless arseholes in the military who are fucking it up completely and happy to let burmese people die. Burma was 'just over there' when i went to the beach once.
travel advice-dont run around shouting the military junta are tossers all over rangoon

Burundi
A small country in central africa. somewhere near congo, rwanda and all that jazz. People there probably speak french coz the belgians most likely trashed the joint. Trees, red dirt and groovy forest animals are super interesting, if indeed they exist.
travel advice-wearing your knickers on the outside doesnt make you superman

avevo un sogno

i arrived in cuba
i have no idea how or why
most likely at the airport
from which i strolled out into the centre of town
it was beautiful
magnificent colonial architecture
but reminiscent of ancient rome
all beautifully coloured
a big green one with arches
i was guided down the main street a short distance
to an awaiting bus/tram to take us tourists wherever it was we were going
i followed three spanish girls in their 20's
desperately trying to recall how to speak spanish in my head
we climbed up in with our bags
as they talked amongst themselves one went and got a brochure from a holder on the wall
and she came back to her friends and said the word for timetable
which i knew
so i said to her in what i assumed to be sound spanish
is that a timetable?
she looked at me, confused and slightly amused
she didnt understand a word i said
despite the fact that i was sure i had said it correctly
and i had repeated a word she had used...

wotchu lookin at leonvis?

Porftolio eye view of the world - B

B, Part 1
Bahamas
An archipelago of islands in the northern caribbean, uncomfortably close to Godblessamerica. Most famous for big black men running particularly fast. Err, there are presumably lots of beaches and too many american tourists, if they aren't too afraid to leave their own country.
travel advice-white swimming attire becomes see-through when wet

Bahrain
a little island off the coast of saudi arabia in the persian gulf. maybe. It has lots of expat westerners living there raking in the cash. Catherine lived there as a child and was allegedly the chess champion for her age. It's probably rubbish.
travel advice-ask catherine, if you can find her

Bangladesh
Formerly part of India, then Pakistan, known as eastern pakistan. Unfortunately situated on the ganges delta so it gets flooded all the time. Great! Unfortunately for the people, they are muslims and therefore in trub. They have recently started playing cricket, although not very well.
travel advice-pack a small silver coloured dinghy in case of light showers

Barbados
An island or perhaps more in the caribbean, may have been mentioned in that annoying beach boys song from the eighties. may not have. At least they don't have to speak spanish.
travel advice-keep an eye out for barbados slim, just coz he doesnt exist doesnt let you off

Belarus
Very eastern european country that used to be part of the USSR. Alexander Hleb comes from there and also most likely lots of people with bad haircuts. I dont know what the 'Bel' bit stands for, but I know that the 'rus' bit means something to do with russia. I doubt it means beautiful.
travel advice-find the answer to the above before you talk to alexander hleb

Belgium
A substantianal part of the 'low countries' and not because they are all short. On the northern coast of europe next to the netherlands. People often take the piss about it coz they can only name plastic bertrand and tintin as emanating from there. I got off a ferry at oostend once and then back on my coach to amsterdam. A divided country between the walloons (french speakers, not trousers) and the flemings (dutch speakers, not spitting suicidal animals). Most belgians seem to be quite friendly and chilled, but that could be terribly wrong. Belgians travel to Capetown and northern Corsica from my experience. AND GREAT BIER!
travel advice-dont get a ferry/bus from london with an american guy who shits everybody and gets punched in the face.

Belize
they speak english there! although there is slight reason for ththth alert. On the yucatan peninsula just south of the mexican border. apparently there is excellent scuba diving off the coast (as opposed to on the coast). Some bloke on a lake in malawi told me so... The truly legendary thing about belize is that it looks like belin! eviva!
travel advice-rejoice in the only thththh free zone within a gazillion miles of saliva drenching

Benin
in west africa most likely. also most likely to be pretty small and pretty poor. not that its the fault of the inhabitants. There could be goats there, big ones with beards
travel advice-get an atlas and find out where it is

Bhutan
tied up in hopeless romanticism for gringos, it is probably the country most untouched by modern vices. eg television, clay pigeon shooting and indoor microwave fist kebabing. near the himalayas in the funky area bordering indochina and the subcontinent. lots of big mountains and monks donging their bells. also may have played montserrat for the title of worlds most rubbish football nation and lost.
travel advice-take your own microwave fist kebabber and look for a door to get in.

my velour -ee-aa

there was a marone one
there was a dark blue one
there most likely was a groovy poo brown one
there may have even been a green one
a black one certainly was never too far away from the equation
my velour-ee-aa...
it is transparently obvious to all that frank black francis charles thompson drew inspiration from my 70's jumper fashion...
what next- a song about terry-towelling shorts or paisley skivvies?
where are my fucking royalties frank!!!???

A World Guide - Portfolio eye view of the World- A

Disclaimer; absolutely no research has been undertaken in the creation of this guide, any offence taken is gleefullly caused, so vaffanculo.

A
Afghanistan
Situated in central Asia and like many (if not all) stans, under the yoke of old beard wearing wankers. Big mountains and big wars, just finished being blown up by the russians, then began being blown up by the americans. Backwards and cold and that's just the soup. With neighbours like iran and pakistan, what bloody hope?
Travel advice - dont bother taking your kalashnikov, you can pick one up at a bargain price on any street corner.

Albania
A cesspool of criminals just bred for special exportation to your nearest western european country. need a child prostitute/somebody stabbed? you know who to call. In the midst of the most civilized continent of the planet blood feuds are still carried out over generations, also the only islamic country in town-coincidence?
travel advice - stay in italy/greece/macedonia and use a spy drone to take photos for you.

Algeria
Former north african french colony famous for mass killings in the name of islam- see a pattern here? Next to such other enlightened maghrebi as tunisia and marocco, Algeria manages to make them look rational. Home to desert and breeding ground for terrorists.
travel advice - are you fucking joking?

Andorra
Ridiculously small country in the pyrenees wedged between France and Spain, unfortunately they chose to speak spanish. Not sure how this is a country, but i am easily mystified. Cym went there to snowboard a lot and loved it and some bearded bloke from tasmania did too. probably have nice coffee or something.thththth alert.
travel advice - take a warm jacket

Angola
South west african country which had the misfortune to be colonised by portugal. As per usual they stripped the place of its assets, enslaved the population brutally then fucked off when it got tricky. I once worked with a girl from Angola, in Salisbury of all places, she seemed nice enough though she needed some pimple cream.
travel advice - go to namibia instead

Antigua and Barbados
are apparently one country. An island or few in the caribbean populated by the descendents of african slaves. Probably rather poor but beautiful beaches and they play cricket too. I saw it on telly once.
travel advice - dont have a longest schlong competition against the locals

Argentina
Big country on the atlantic side of southern South America. from iguazu falls in the north to cape wotsit at the bottom. home to patagonia, tierra del fuego, the andes and insane football fans. Lots of italians and the occasional welshman. Capital Buenos Aires (good airs) contains 103% of national population. famous people include che guevara, eva peron and lots of hidden nazis.
travel advice-if you are a vegetarian, stay home; its meat or meat for every meal

Armenia
Armenia is a teency weency country to the west of turkey and a former part of the USSR, previously a part of the ottoman empire until the GENOCIDE of the armenians by the turks around the time of world war 1. The turks still deny this. which is a fucking disgrace.
travel advice-go to the genocide museum then go over to turkey and tell them all about it.

Australia
Australia; the lucky cuntry. correct pronunciation; osstraya. a large island, small continent. big modern cities and vast open spaces where the history is. Groovy funny animals and delicious countryside. But then again, what would i know? australians of note; the bloke who invented the hills hoist.
travel advice-stop getting drunk all the time

Austria
small landlocked country in truly central europe and former capital of the habsburg empire. fantastic mountains and green grun valleys. Also famous for hitler and post nazis. Capital Vienna is perhaps the most beautiful city on earth, effortless class also one of the the most expensive. Trains run on time and there is lots of blonde hair being all germanic.
travel advice-I dare you to go to salzburg and drink a pint of beer every time the sound of music is mentioned.

Azerbaijan
Central or western asian country quite in the central or western part of asia. Inhabited by people from the central or western asian region. Once a part of the ussr and most likely near the caspian sea and a whole bunch of stans.
travel advice-there are probably buses there, so you dont need to put a car in your luggage, probably

ladies and gentlemen the worst rock and roll band in the world

Bin Juice!
Bin Juice have just released their explosive new album; My Munch or Yours!?
dynamite tracklist is as follows;
1. I am sweden!
2. Post nasal drip-reprise
3. amsterdam garbage can man
4. Bicken Chin (you know you want it)
5. Ththththththththhh
6. I don't love you, you have opposable thumbs
7. Love on the escalator
8. Dim Smuggy
9. Run (Leon is coming to get ya)
10. One and three quarter hours in east ringwood -acoustically ruined
11. Shake it like George Negus
12. Incomprehensible Scotsmen in my forecourt

'the album caused my rectum to prolapse!' Melody Faker
'It'll be my munch for sure!' The Aegis
'If you only buy one album this year, you are a cunt!' Time Gout
'illuminating, sparkles like phosphorescent shit!" The Gobserver
'we are fucking lying populist filth' The Herald Scum
'ththththth thththth th th thhhhhhhhhhh!' El Sevilla Ththth

No doubt some other references to stuff blowing up!
Not out now on Pieface Records

and now a word from our sponsor; Micio

maoow maooow maoow maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

gnam gnam

whats for dinner tonight?
i could be a vegetarian
a vegan
a fruitarian
a lacto-ovotarian
a fishtovaffanculoarian
eat ethically
mince your pig tendrils
dice your oilyphant in slitherines
baste your leg of ostrich, big un's need a lot of it
slice your whale burger thin
roll up yer california rolls in gnu slabs
squid ribs? dip em in napalm and watch em sizzle
zebra burritos with matching hyena sauce
its karma man
kestrel kebabs, nothing better after midnight
baby seals, well tenderised on a bed of red ice
lashings of snow leopard on your pizza
i want my panda liver and i want it now
3 score cochineal beetles on high speed in the blender
smoooooooooooooooothiness
might as well move to argentina...
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat

knowing me, knowing you...

everybody says you are shit, your body is shit, your brain is shit
they say you arent worth the shit you cling on to so desperately
they laugh at the things you say when you arent trying to amuse
and scoff at the things you say when seeking to entertain
this time its personal
you are transparent
you would win a clingwrap competition
your motives are there, bare and for all to see with glee
you ask for a sweet
all know you want to be refused a balloon
you stifle a sneeze
its obvious to all and sundry that you begged for pity in church
your lies are boring
nobody on baals bluegreen earth will believe you again
the loser who cried 'beef'
this life you lead is shallow and pointless
if you procreate it will be ultimately pointless
your genes will fail in the end
being of inferior quality to the medium
barely a vehicle worth the name
more a decrepit wreck of rusted ignorance propped up on blocks of tedium
imagination is a word that you cant fathom
4 walls and some a sphere are all that you can embrace
tiresome
your sililoquys and glib utterances fall to the ground like lead baubles
there is no audience
your doltish emittences will only bounce around your deluded head
like a poor mans screensaver
an eternal holding pattern of the imbecilic
oh .. hang on
that might be an itch
and we know what itches cause..
dont we spanish flu?

absolute zero e bad boy beavis

it was his birthday
he had a haircut just for the occasion
to make it look like he was that guy on tv
but how did he get there?
i imagine he walked there
after all it was only half a dozen blocks away
the guy on tv said he was sick of it
sick of being pestered and asked about it
people saying "do 'my portfolio is weird kid'"
he was trying to concentrate on his career
and show he wasnt just a one trick butter
but they just wouldnt let it go
particularly in mexico
they had that big fetish thing going with dead cats in plasticide
so he was forever cast in plasticide
even on his birthday it was hard to shake it off
most of his arse-list friends showed up for the cameras
then most buggered off via a tonnello, yes a fucking tonnello not a toonel
round the back once they had smiled and waved and kicked the babies
apparently the guest of honour was prick with a silent p
there were the smegma family
marvellously pleased with the opportunity to show off how many kilojoules they had recycled on the way there on their platform that is powered only by their sense of self satisfaction
some incoherent blokes
i think they were norwegian
mr doobee was there with miss helena and mr rons big poker
and err... sure they did
i was rubbish
or was that you, theatre?

long live the king, the king is dead is dead

cucciolo................

that small thing called foote

i doubt the integrity of that man that reads the news
i doubt the integrity of the neighbour that mews
i doubt the integrity of the friend of the friend in chalk farm
i doubt the integrity of the drunk on king street that would cause you harm
i doubt the integrity of the bloke with that silly hat
i doubt the integrity of the fucking downer, what a twat
i doubt the integrity of the children writing for beat
i doubt the integrity of safeways so called meat
i doubt the integrity of that fool on the tram
i doubt the integrity of what they put into spam
i doubt the integrity of the majority of man
i doubt the integrity of those behind the 2am ban
i doubt the integrity of the fools that program the tv
i doubt the integrity of those that marry early with such glee
i doubt the integrity of any old politician
i doubt the integrity of those fools on a religious mission
i doubt the integrity of the lady in the phone shop
i doubt the integrity of boris johnson or any such fop
i doubt the integrity of those from my high school
i doubt the integrity of what they would sell me as 'cool'
i doubt the integrity of any man with a gun
i doubt the integrity of a product that guarantees 'fun'
i doubt the integrity of the world at large
a dirty filthy swill of a cesspit stacked with liars and thieves...
but i've never left the comfort of my sofa

i read it whilst i was on the plane

people vote against their obvious interests
we'd better be idiots and just accept our five dollars an hour
dont blame heroin suppliers
theres a genuine fear, understandably so
those morons that have that whole chivalry idea
youve got no brains , youve just got a trigger
the majority of australian women are sexually dysfuntional
you can learn other languages by becoming excessively drunk
all these people on the train, keep your head down and your earfones in
its a lot to do with substances people are taking these days
these people are bringing it down
i tend to agree with you!!!
how about we have a bit of a skank
##### musical interlude######
uh oh, it seems they might never come back!
they arent!!!!
big rock guitar break
sorry about that/.././

flegman broke the photocopier

the neon lights are doing my head in
i cant sit up straight in this goddam chair much longer
the inane chatter from outside my office door drones on and on
the 3 oclock deadline for the plans is looming
the phone rings almost predictably every 14 minutes
no, dammit I dont have time to discuss the offer from Buttplex
yes, i know the aoc wants to see me about tuesdays meeting
how many limbs do these people think i have
this desk really needs clearing up
but thats never been my strong point
another cup of coffee
i dont even like the taste
another banal conversation with clevertrever by the machine
no, i didnt see the match on saturday morning
yes im sure rigomortus songbong was stellar
smiles at the various faces as i stroll past the cubicles
thank fuck i dont work in accounting
pack of boring miserablists
and poor flighty flirty sandrine
what kind of life is that?
answering a million calls a day and smiling at the schleppers that poor out of the lifts
asking them to take a seat while she pages norbert/slinky/anvil to come out to meet them
still, shes not that bright so perhaps thats all she needs
another joke about mondays would cause me to smack her tho
whats for lunch today then?
dodgy chinese/mcschifo/fake portugese/fatty arseface tm burgers ?
or is it really worth coughing up the extra to escape the filth and depression of the food court and going for the all lavatory vegetable puree steak from oriental fukkywukky bar?
one of these days i will get my shit together and bring lunch to work
and save loads of money
not today though coz sparkymarky wants to go for a pint at the Horses arse
thatll make 3pm tricky...

rats cats and bollocks

i saw rats and cats the other night at the cinema
luckily it was a freebee
i wouldnt have wanted to pay for that load of tripe
just a vanity exercise by mr dude in a dog suit
how many opportunities did it give him to get his kit off?
twat
it had some good whimsical moments
laconic aussie small town slow life kind of things
but fuck off really
it was mostly just a how great am i show
i didnt see any rats or cats
and i didnt get the point of it at all
apart from mr dog getting to be a big hero to everyone
all the girls loved him
he had a lackey to fix his whipper snipper
he had his own tribute band
with a jealous bass playing leaving
everybody loved him coz he used to be on tv
and he was definitely suffering for his arty type
oh fuck off
ho bloody hum
minus 113 out of 5

sage words of prezzemolo

seedy seedy seedy
enlightened yet?

sitting up straight at the back of the bus

which one?
ciudad bolivar to merida?
via venti settembre to righi?
harare to johannesburg?
nice airport to genova
milano centrale to orio al serio airport bergamo?
lima to trujillo?
fulham to brixton?
chang kai shek airport to all over bloody taipei?
salisbury town centre to laverstock?
box hill central to doncaster?
london victoria to swansea again and again
campiglia marittima to piombino for the isola d'elba?
puerto iguazu to salta?
salsibury to portsmouth via RINGWOOD?
swansea quadrant to mumbles?
gatwick to bristol?
ringwood high school to the hockey fields?
fitzroy to donvale?
floating bus from copacabana to isla del sol?
broken bus from coroico to half way up the death road?
hurghada to cairo?
death bus from luxor to hurghada?
livorno port to livorno station?
capetown to johannesburg?
san diego to los angeles?

so many buses, fucking busssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssses (and coaches)

islam can go fuck itself

lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/women/story/0,,2278332,00.html

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/may/11/iraq.humanrights


2 examples i found randomly in 2 days .... mi fate schifo

i missed the bus, never gonna do that again...

didnt plan a trip to southern africa, thinking about hippos and their mouth's roofs
didnt daydream about a hammock, wondering when it would come to me
didnt folow a game of football avidly
didnt write a top selling pop song infusing it with dub step
didnt ride the steam train through the fair
didnt ride an ostrich and then feel a bit guilty about it
didnt go out with the roman from numurkah for a beer
didnt read up on european history volumes 1-16, or is that 17
didnt find the details of that shop that has that thing
didnt go out for boules with some girl in adelaide
didnt flounce about queen albert market aghast at fellow shoppers
didnt say 'here we go' in euphoria and thrust my fists in the air like i just didnt care
no one ever heart no one
didnt feel dizzy from taking a child and spinning them around and around
didnt miss the bus
didnt eat 'indian' food
didnt feel the awful ache of dying slowly inside
didnt kidnap a head of state and keep him behind a bookshelf and ultimately murder him
didnt try anything new, sweetness i was only joking
didnt fall in love with the lady in the summer frock
didnt discover the marvels of nuche
didnt graduate after 11 years of hard slog of masters of rocketbrain surgeryscience
didnt marvel at anything
didnt meet up with an old friend by amazing happenstance
didnt move to a land of total dislocation
never gonna do that again...

biggsy is making it hard for me to concentrate

so the australian government is paying 20 million bucks for the visit of the pope
how bloody fucking ridiculous is that
the catholic church own billions of dollars worth of land all over the world
in fact it owns more property than anybody on the planet
what a fucking disgrace
then theres the stuff about abortion
and mens rights about the life and death of an unborn child
the feminists said it is our body
and the law is phrased to recognise that
what a carton of worms
and now theres the use of swearing
cunt and fuck
the newspapers wont print it
what a lot of prude arseholes
as was said... is it to protect the little children who read the age?
horseshit
roba about the us democratic party race
is it a good thing that it is this close
is it just a sack of shit
i just couldnt care less
imagine if we had a presidential election campaign here
all the months and months of all that tripe
just what we bloody need
vaffanculo
next up is the bunch of cyclists brought down by a nutter in sydney
drove behind them shouting and swearing then
gets in front of them and bangs on the breaks
so they all fly into the back of him
what kind of arsehole would do that?
why doesnt the government spend any money making cycling lanes etc
but why do motorists have this bullshit anger against cyclists
it seems to be the home of wanker bogans
showing how tough they are in their cars
coz thats very strong and manly
tossers
a brief mention as to why that horrid little worm ex prime minister is still getting all this media
every time he opens that disgusting little mouth of his
he still gives me shivers when i see him
fucking little piece of excrement.
its on to the casino
and how its exempt from all the laws
in particular from the proposed 2am law
which is a completely stupid idea in the first place
but the government makes a nice little loophole for their favourite source of income
anybody noticed that when you kick everybody out at the same time
like 11pm in the uk
lots of pissed up people cranky that they cant get another drink
out with nothing to do
so they start fighting
what a fucking moronic knee jerk idea
a quick mention about the fact that when there was the taxi drivers
there were no police around
but if you want to protest against anything important
that the government doesnt like
there are riot police everywhere hoping to beat you over the head
for any excuse...
but the crab drivers block the most important intersection in the state
and there are no piggies to be seen
fuck off
and thats it from biggsy and friends
dont stay tuned for enio styles to take you into the afternoon in a crap and smuggy manner

the russians are coming

mayday has been and gone
i missed it and suspect everybody else did too
considering we dont have it in this country
weve got labour or is that labor day
supposed to celebrate the eight hour day
or the 40 hour week
or the seven giraffe thrombosis victims
or etc etc
i didnt do a blog about it
i didnt do a blog about anything
ive been too busy
not doing blogs
im considering giving up the blog thing
considering that nobody reads it
and half the time or more
i cant be arsed writing it
but i feel guilty
like i somehow should be doing it
which is so much nonsense
im just lacking inspiration
it wasnt hard to come by last year
it was positively falling out of me
but now its dried up
when i had great adventures to tell of overseas it was no problem
but without said great adventures
well reporting on the couch isnt really thrilling
movies, gigs, parties and the like
they all should be worth a wry remark or a critique
but the being arsed factor is the main problem
added to the fact that it takes bloody aeons just to load up the page
ensuring that motivation is gone by the time it comes around
it nearly happened again today
for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
the russians are coming
not black ones
limp white ones without conviction
like a paper cup full of cheap vodka
be afraid
be very afraid
broken dux?

aprile puo andare e fottersi

quanto mi sono stufato recentamente
sono contentissimo che questo mese di merda sia quasi finito
non riesco neanche a lamentarmi bene in questa lingua
cazzo

the clock is ticking

its not really
its just sitting there being ledish
but that hardly grabs the attention
i read somewhere that at the start of a story you have to grab them right them and now by the hairy bits
grab
but the led is changing occasionally
so is the other one
one of them is on universal time
the other is on atomic time
farked if i know the difference
tristan and isolde and lavorytine
ho hum
its roast it night tonight
for no particular reason
i just wanna roast it
i just wanna roast it
this really is all over the shop
ive got material you see
but its too late in the day period slot now to make the most of it
and i wanna keep it for a raining daytimesetting
so im just making shit up and rambling
trying to fill in a few sentences
with inane drivel
good thing im a good thing and good at it
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oh and by the way
invasion of the body snatchers suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks
not just sucks
way worse than that
okay it was the seventies
when things that sucked were in fashion
moustaches, flares, big hairiness, being a bloody whiffy hippy and bucks fizz
sure, they didnt have super special effects machines and they recorded with a matchbox on top of a shit laden stick
using an ants rectum for sound
and saturns third ring for light
but that doesnt mean that they couldnt write decent lines
or act properly
or just not be cheesy wankers
its easy to scorn what was done in the past
i mean to me hitler looks like a silly little turd with a comedy moustache
but fucking hell
what a load of tripe
thank fook there was bowie, and lou and jonathon richman and iggy and clint eastwood being well 'ard
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

il riscaldamento della casa

there was a housewarming on saturday night
it would have been better off having it this week
it was already quite warm
or am i missing the point?
it was in northcote
which miraculously let me in
despite the fact i wasnt cool enough
they turned a blink eye
let us skulk in the back alley
it was quite an eye opener it was
ive never met any
some smart arse french bloke answered the door
pretended it was the wrong address
he fucked me over
beavis knew better
those whacky french guys
the house was done up all funky
with orange umbrellas and light shade bloody cant think of the names
and there were people all over the shop
sitting in a circle
and some sitting in another circle outside
stan the man was cooking some amazing food
which i couldnt eat coz i was full
arsearsearsearsearsearsearse
arse
sure we were old
but it wasnt the kinderverbotenfest that i had feared
lots of friendly people
not too much racism
a rather silly nuzeelunder being all earnest
why must they do that?
at least she got her comeuppance being attacked by a sensitive new age dave
a very sensible straight person got the crank at me for something super stupid
sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
as if i were that type!
vaffanculo
there were lots of yummy beers
some of which i gave away
the music didnt suck
but the blue gloop i kneeled in did
it farked up my trousers
like ive got so many that i can spare one..
mavaffa.....
still it was good fun
i met more people than i have done in ages
quite the tonic
now all i need is some gin

kylie threatens to sue...

who is sue?
is kylie going mad?

will marty go the same way as steve?

well now
a week or so ago a great man came to this one and half ass town
his name was steve
not a very imaginative name i know
but he didnt choose it
he is one of the greatest men to walk this earth
doling out wisdom, wit and cerebral entertainment wherever he treads
and hes done a lot of treading let me tell you
more than most mortals could possibly imagine
as far as i know he hasnt set fut on other planets
but thats just due to lack of opportunities
besides
so he came to town
he thrilled and spilled
apparently
he provided a sublime distraction from all this maya
on this mortal, why the hell is it called coil?
but he was forced to tears by the absence of a close friend
not the one he serenaded in hospital
now another great man
of the same ilk
will be in town this very night
his name is marty
another not particularly inspiring name
but another whos greatness is not limited to his physical presence
his influece can be felt from anywhere on this so called bloody coil
perhaps if nasa had any class they would send another probulator into deepest space
and put his imprint on it
(or steves)
or wind one of their ethereal cords around it
marty shall dazzle, enchant and enthrall this very night
beard his way to greatness
strum, rock, enchant and poeticize
blow small minds away

and yes he did....

melbourne international comedy festival-comprehensive review

marvellous festivus this micf
not to be confused with the miff
the biff or the riff
and especially not the whiff
as he is known in some parts
this years melbourne international comedy festivus took place last night
it happened in the fad gallery
on corrs lane
upside your head
you had to go into the err something bar
where i had been only once before
looking for red things
youve gotta go in and then around and then up
where you waittttttttttttta and look at paintings and photos
some of which are particularly saucy
this bloke who looked liked daniel kitson was hanging about
he looked so much like daniel kitson he was daniel kitson
we went upschtairs to the festivus
it consisted of bloke called nick sun
who played in this room full of chairs and some people
he was pretty funny
shouting and kicking over chairs
not making racist jokes
banging on about how tired he was
and how he had a strong coffee
we had a beer
one each.. we werent gay
my new best mate daniel kitson laughed a lot
and that was the melbourne international comedy festival
so bog off

the space race is over

some men got in a stick
it went up and up
up and well you know the rest
it was white
it was big
it went vroom
they went all the way there
just to come back
except it was all a phoney
they tricked everybody
they even tricked me
and i wasnt even born
clever fuckers
ronald raygun knew better
he was gonna put a big ole gun on the big old cheese disc
there was a point in here somehwere
yes...
in the shadow of the moon
sure it at the new the other night
dublin amazing
all these interviews with ex wotsits spacefellas that went to the moon
except the most famous one
veal farmschlong or somebody
wondefully shot by an english chappy
so it didnt have that all-american bullshit flag waving gnar gnar cringe bollocks about it
showed jayeffkay
who i think was that muppety english bloke who dances about with a godawful hat on
making some promise about doing marilyn manson before the steak gets cold
and despite the fact it was just a big penis competition it inspired all kinds of good things
people in different countries getting a rush out of it etc
and these spaceblokes
all so humble and intelligent
telling how it made them feel to see the earth so far away
so small, so fragile etc
some got a bit godbothery about it
but not in that shitey painful way
talk about the ultimate perspective
kind of like how i feel about travelling
but to the enffff degree
so many super groovy shots of space and rockets and the moon
dont stop cant stop the music
like billy i thought i could go to the moon
dammit

eat my brain, go insane

ooh look at the pretty pictures!
theres some all multicoloured of my brain
my brain!
eat my brain, go insane
from four different angles
fancy that
how much detail there is!
the wonders of modern technology!
all take a number and fucking marvel at it!
ooh, look again
theres a pictures of the groovacious new dogvis
in all her sweet glory
note the lovely golden tan rusty bits
the black muzzle
the skinny legs
my my lets all admire her bloody beauty!
how about some pix that i put up of the jesus and mary chain in full flight
note jim reids floppy fringe! not!
how about the spectacular lighting!
although i wasnt there it wasnt that different to last night
the wonders of fucking technology
vaffanculo

fish of april

mr 100 per cent
thats me
no knockers can knock that
no chinks in my armour
im perfect
not a fault to be seen
one from one
some kind of blogging behemoth of consistency
stand back and admire my work
quanilty not qualtity

what the hell is an ide?

some kind of fruit thats shaped like a crustacean?
a small rodent that lives in the briar patch?
that other space shuttle that blew up?
something that would cheer up murray?
a day of mourning in chile?
the technical name for beavis' hairball?
something to slam one upside the head?
a sport involving lots of "good'oh's"and "jolly'ho's"
the mystery of the artist explained?
a seated bhutanese banquet with a dozen courses?
the page at the back of the paper with the shit 'wanted' ads on it?
bog off

fucking stewwwwdents

the thththpanith shat
upstairs about pash or rash or something
on johnston street
apparently the ththhthtthh heartland of this place
i dont know how many ththththhs you need to make a heartland
4 or 5 it would seem
so its apt
not an appartment
room 3
third door on the right
mysteriously enough
tables in the trad U formation
named after the boat that went underwater
a whiteboard
some chairs
the usual guff
iliana is from me-hi-co somwhere near the centre
square glasses with black rims (ahem)
students include;
a double jehovis
not in the conventional sense
with a great smile and warm disposition
chocolate vanilla icemousse
an interesting concoction
from parigi but with a newtered accent
skinny dancing meditating queen
certainly not boring
blue book lady with 'partner'
struggles a bit, bless her
has a bloke who turned up
seems very nice
kept grinning at me
either wants to rip out my kidneys
touch my culo
or thinks im funny
if only it wasnt too bloody easy
easy enough to make my head explode
arses

compleanno, almeno mi sembrava

be, ce stato il mio compleanno
a dire la verita non e' stata un granche
ma almeno mi lo aspettevo cosi
visto che la maggiore parte dei miei amici ecc ecc
la roba famigliare era piuttosto piacevole
la sorellina ha fatto la roba buona da mangiare
e' veramente in gamba quella
poi, stanco sono tornato a casa con la zia
ho dormito un po
e sono arrivati un ubriaco e un non tanto ubriaca
l'ubriaco ha schiacciato un pisellino mentre noi due sparavamo delle cazzate li' fuori
blahdy blah
poi abbiamo beccato un taxi fino st kilda
e la meno ubriaco si e' realizzata di avere lasciato il portafolio nella taxi
doh
dopo qualche stronzata e' tornato il tipo e tutto era apposto
siamo entrati e trovato un po di spazio davanti al un bar
inanimate carbon rod
e tutto andava abbastanza bene
il gruppo e tex suonavano alla grande
poi...
le cose sono andati un po storto
siamo usciti per una cigaretta e un po di relax
noi uomini sparavamo delle cazzate e lei si sdraiava sul divano cosa
poi e' arrivato un scemo buttafuori che le ha svegliata e ordinato di uscire
abbiamo cercato di convincerlo ma lo stronzo non se ne fregava niente
D uomo poi ha chiamato il buttafuori un militia
e il tipo si e rotto i coglioni e fatta un faccia cercando una lotta
deficente di merda
quindi, siamo usiciti, scortati sempre dal bastardo aggressivo
sempre con un aria aggressiva come se sfidasse qualcuno
che palle
ho visto forse 45 minuti di il mar crudele
gnar

my pet thththth

i had a dog once
i taught him to attack when he heard the word thhthththth
then i called him thhththhththh
so whenever i was a walking down the calle and some bunghole said tthththth
theyd get a good savaging from old ththth
he'd jump on them
bite them
drool on them
gnash at them
tear their clathes
rip at their skin
and scratch up their pretty well manicured faces
that showed them!
it did cost me several hundred pesetas in broken tellies tho
sometimes i would be watching an almodovar film
and little thththt would kick off and beat up the telly and urinate all over it when he was done
despite the inconwenience this caused
i was secretly proud of my dogwois
sometimes he would get confused when a brazilian came to visit
and sort of snarl in a confused manner
but he's working on it
next step is to teach him to maul any catalonian that bangs on about how catalunya is not spain

the light blue drug

i dipped my toe in the light blue drug the other day
rather anxious all things considered
apart from a dabble here and there in essex
and the occasional splash and grab
i hadnt tried it for n'years
would it all end in tears?
tears in the time-space continuity box?
would it mess up my hairs?
it was a good day to tempt le fate
so i tried it on
it were nice and tranquil round the shooting gallery
i asked a few questions
trying not to look too stupid
saw the naked men and went for it
very bright out of doors
which is to be my pathway to oblivion?
err.. that one
in we off
head down
thumbs suck
push orf
doing that familiar right left arm combination
kind of like falling off a bike
except you dont get hurt
and who ever remembers how exactly to fall off a bike?
(somebody should write a book of instructions)
arrived at the end of the line
there was a wall
rest up
rest down
more down
like it so much i did it again
dont od man!
plenty of restages in between hits
and a big floating on a cloud of liquid sesh at the end
i grew wings
they still ache a bit today
especially if i do 'that'
gotta go back
get me some more of that stuff

all kinds of mayhem

what a weekend of mayhem
what great heat
just one other thing;
what are you talking about?

walking down via ravecca

walking down via ravecca - i swear i never had a key
no one ever stayed at home - i was just off the train
walking down via ravecca - swear i never had some credit
i was knackered some
looking and feeling like a bum

see press the buzzer, send a text and sigh
but theres no hope coz erik is high, oh no
and you feel buggered coz youve got a bus, a plane and two trains
and the fog is descending in your brain, oh no

from montpelier to a doorway in front of a pizzeria
its goddamm far
from the stronzo with a port view to the rats in the vicoli
It's not that far
to the maggot frozen slumped against his suitcase
its not that far
would you like to have a calling card?
i couldnt help you, even if id like to

Walking down via ravecca - i swear i had 3 sims
no i never rang no-one - useless without the funds
walking down via ravecca - swearing my head off
i was sending to go do in culos some
checking out the scum

when you get to the towers dont hope in vein
there'll be no vespa, give it up, oh yeah
the dressed up stronzi with the big posh coats
the ones who smiled
the ones defiled
the ones who wondered che cazzo?

from paolinos place to via ravecca
its not that far
from the beer in the fridge to my frozen legs
its not that far
to the maggot freezing near barbarossa
its not that far
would you like to know where the fuck he is?
i couldnt help you, even if id like to

within every citta and paese theres a via ravecca
frozen maggots for whom the phones not ringing
hungry maggots with only pence, bolivars and cents
slumped nowhere looking for a bench
so you slouch on back affecting nonchelance
getting a strange look by some overdressed ponce
bolivars and pence wont by that foccaccia
another half hour passes another 30 walk past ya
like having a 12 inch single of metropolis
but without a turntable to play this
the carabinieri wander down
do they ask a question, no you you arent brown
what to do? one wonders, drag the self off to mo?
what a nightmare and its so far to go
when you dont know the credit card pin
youre up shit creek and trying to grin

from piazza di ferrari to the blue stone pavings
its not that far
from the stoners round the corner to the dog crap
its not that far
to the maggot with the frozen legs
its not that far
would you like to know more
i can moan on if youd like me to

from mr mountains office to piazza dante
its not that far
from the fighe on the passegiata to the colombus' house
its not that far
to the grumpy maggot wondering what the fuck?
its not that far
i would like to see some stronzo
id biff him if youd like me to

outside no 10 sits a bemused maggot meek
his grip on reality is not as bent as the freak
its like a goddam bad joke
nearly as ugly as mr noke
its been an hour or two and he still cant escape
poverty, poor planning and crapness hold him like tape
without email, phone or text
what on earth to do next
you could see mr mountains, its not that far
one short drag and he might say belin
to the old stock exchange with bags et all
up the lift and around the round hall
its a shame to blag a fag, but you cant help yourself
thank fuck he hadnt gone home and has the map on the shelf
still aint got a girl
still aint got a girl
no, its not a stretch too far
not at all a stretch too far
he still aint got a girl

a pub crawl at one pub

how about that pub crawl then?
i went on it
i rode its bumpy track
i pulled on its reins
i blah blahd its metaphors
i could go on
but i simply cant be arsed
brain death and all that
on this pub crawl there were stops at;
lambsgo bar
and thats it
there was dan
who always bloody looks like simon bini
and is less insane
but is even more boring
that were zapp
who i stupidly didnt say hi to
coz i was too busy being cranky and complaining that everybody were boring turds
there was the horseface chick that beavis chatted up
not looking too horsey
til she opened her mouth
there was christian
such a good guy
just soooooooooo serious
and his chick
gone the dawgs
a couple from toulouse
the bloke being very friendly but couldnt understand why i like italy so much
i knew this bloke
his mother was french
his father was french
....
then the kids came over after hearing their names through the magic mirror on romper room
there was banquo, trevina, ravisshing and meat pie
banquo really is pretty figa
just off her fucking face
meat pie is quite chatty
but such a kid
trevina is such a dude
pity about her crap taste in blokes
ravisshing is well simply ravishing
way over my head
there was all kinds of excitement about housing
and a bouncy castle out the back
a sandpit full of cat excrement and some boiled lollies
lots of big noise ensued
dont know what i was thinking
just drank too much beer
and did my best
baileys and straight gin
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

something went that way

the bumpy road in the taxi
on the wide motorway
the steamy night in a big plaza with small beer
the girls that served beer in the pool hall
with their tight purple trousers and white shirts
the buzz on the streets while eating a big meaty thing with butt
the bikers training going around and around los proceres
the confusion exiting the airport
vanessas little hair and jota
the traffic so bad a taxi wouldnt have you
the silly man with recorded sales pitch on bleating from his van
the little jumpy dog downstairs crapping on
pans labyrinth
endless ranting from endless channels by some political buffoon or another
bus tickets that cost 100 but really 90
the idiocy of queuing to enter public buildings
the sheer idiocy of having to by trousers to enter then not being able to find anywhere to put them on
vanessa wiggling away furiously telling me to keep up
simona making more arepas and chatering away at a million miles an hour
the new fabtastic rubbish trucks
the rubbish bin full of water, but when to use it?
stalls selling avocados on the street corner
big shopping centre straight out of mallvern
not so great ice creams
oscars parents with their stories reminiscent of rhodesia
the decaying university
big cups of cream with strawberrys in galipan
the chill with view of fog
buildings that stretch on for ever
or did i imagine that/

well, what did you expect, i mean, rally?

tom waits is banging on about his 16 shells
im currently reading a book about him
well, not really about him
but a collection of interviews and articles about him
he is a rally interesting bloke
bound to go off and make up a whole load of bollocks
which i quite admire
yeah rally
its called
err something to do with tom waits
and him making stuff up
...
been doing a bit of cycling of late
nothing epic mind
just a ssccchlerpf up to feetmounts
or a damblit over to the parky warky
or a slither down to the racist shops on smith street
or a hoopf up to the cinema (ORGO) to the theatre
my calves are having something to say about it
but it is great to be grooving around
with a back to front helmet on
and on a kiddies bike
with canary yellow bits
its like-
whhhhhhhhhhhay
or
whujopooooooooooooooo
or some other crap
this barlsy weather is just the most
just when its too cold to sit outside and drink beer
without 13 puffy jackets
it gets all peachy again
long live the peach farm
things seem to be moving
deep underground
and no im not just trying to outdo the brits
and no im not just making another arse joke
lets just hope it doesnt go over the torp
and large cracks open up
and swallow everything and everybody down
down down deeper and down
haaaaa!

must i pitch you a painter?

went for a roll today
twas too lovely a day to not
rolled down the road
rolled across the road
then got all excitable and caned off with the lights
its impossible not to
you just cant help yourself
you bonk rabbits
bad habits
just gotta get that momentum up
groovin with the traffic
cant fight that feeling
oooh ahhh baby waby
the faster you go
the better it is
and quite possibly the more counterproductive it is
finally arriving with burnage legs at feetmount
wandered about trying to think of things to do and buy
then rolled over to the parky warky
such a luffly sunshiney day and all that
trying to find a place to sdraiarmi
not that easy
loads of happy picknickers
i had no idea
i still have no idea
i thought i was onto to something rarebear
i will have no idea
chilled a bit winston
but the crappy prickly grass and the ants and the other shitty insects took their toll
three fitty
so i rolled back
the endorphins man
the endorphins
dont wanna miss the last bus from lavatory central...

sorry about the good times

yes i have been rather slack
things are coming to a hed
and now the film is about to start
its french you know
about a tache you know
how can i possibly divide my attention between that and this?
downright impossible
tis a pity though
i have some tales to tell
about taches to start with
about wine
about scratches
about mitres
about loud bands
about cranky me
about sad revelations
about films about nutters
and films about uber nerds
and and and
whole days passed in a daze
about camels riding high
about beavis sinking low
about about about
feeling kinda seedy
about sitting up straight on the back of the tram
about jack black
not flank tho
agggggggggggggggggj hes doing it
aghghgh im not paying attention

whats wrong with the world

i dont have a castle
it isnt on an island
where i would like to place it
there isnt any room for me to park my yacht
pronounced y-a-ch-t
in the marina round the back
theres no helipad that i can use to pop over to lovely fishing village to get a gelato
nor a tunnel with a trainage on it
no wing to host my parties in
no enormous kitchen for my cooks to come up with masterpieces
no other wing for the wenches
my formula one career isnt going great guns
just because i want it to
the strenuous training regime isnt reaping its benefits
but not because im slacking off
like i should be
my accountant isnt creaming money off the top
which wouldnt bother me coz im soo rich
my beautiful wife
carlotta
isnt wowing me everyday
and my scores of mistresses arent making it all just a bit more bearable
my amazing wine collection and posh top shelf liquors arent blocking up the hallways
despite their best attempts
my unseemly political meddlings arent bringing grief to the inbreds and thieves
berluschifo is quaking in fear of my next intervention
the church arent playing nightly in the ballroom
except for when i want another band to serenade during my mighty banquets
chirpy lou reed perhaps
my crazy big personal kick bottom personal jet isnt hopping over the stratosphere
or some sphere or other
and im not heading off to my chalet for a bit snow goat riding
with my good chums
woderwick and trec
bah humbug

sorry about that...

today somebody said sorry
not that horrid little maggoty man
oh no
thatd be too much then wouldnt it?
stronzo
it makes sense
and it had to happen
not that it stopped all the arseholes trying to fight it
to the bitter end
even in a moment of no return
the pricks were still fighting it
one arsehole read a magazine
another arsehole sulked in the background before walkin off
and the boss arsehole made a speech
pretending to give a shit
but still sticking in a few words in defence of the indefensible
they remain a pack of un reconstructed fascists
i am sorry
most decent people are sorry
except perhaps the ignorant ones
their time has passed
and hopefully their unpleasant little scumbag offspring will learn something
unlikely
but at least their numbers will diminish
decade by decade
all that damage done
even if it was with good intentions
needs nay deserves nay fucking merits nay
nay nay
an apple ohgy
tis one of the those days when it makes one proud to be an ostrayan
that hasnt happened for a good while
heres hopin it might be more forthcoming in the immediate future
cynicism begorrah bedevilled kidneystoneflatfootboat

racism and meat pies

somebody once told me that meat pies are the opposite to racism
frankie barbituates mentioned it behind the slavery shoppe
poor old frankie
he wasnt up to much
if only at the time i had realised the beauty that frankie held
i too believed he was racist
and his family
perhaps they had meat pies stashed in their bags
or between their papers
i didnt put them there
or even imagine they could be put there
but this whole racism thing has got my goat
taken it for a walk
and demanded that i be called saucepan
which it never, ever acceded to
what?
its all hysteria somebody once cried
i saw that fellow with his foot planted on the castle
it wasnt me crying out about it
is it posible that the bloke with the long dark legs was racist?
or did he have meat pies stashed somewhere?
or the lady with the left over underpants on her head?
oh she can just fuck off
whether shes racist or not
and as for those dildos with on their ears
that think that god bred them specially in a fishtank
they are diry racist fuckers
not to mention fools and bungsnappers
oh look
im a complete tossface
and i reckon god took a big grin at me
coz i married my cousin
you muppets
may a large bomb made out of meat pies
with or without cheese
shrooms
tomayytoes
boef
or vaffunculo juice
drop on your collective heads and obliterate you forever
meat pie dissing stronzi

SILMS

sudden instant lack of memory of syndrome
is what ive got
the distinct lack of posting makes it kind of noticeable
but it didnt work
it hasnt worked
and it wont work
truth be told it hasnt been very sudden
not the least instant
but the rest of it is quite apt
i dont quite know what happened
it only seems yesterday
was a song by some caved in nose dude
who then got shot
for unamerican activities
that i claimed to have my mojo back
it wasnt an empty claim
at least it didnt seem it at the time
i was all over the post over the blues blues
and ready to boldy go where the hell i had already been
with a modicum of enthusiasm
and at least with something perhaps to say
and then it all went away
and theres been nothing to say
well there might have been
but i wasnt there to say them
whatever that means
or meant at the time
but now im back on the bike
i hope that doesnt end of up being another empty claim
i guess only time will tell
i hope it doesnt tell too loudly
with stickers and pompoms and that
then id look pretty silly in front of all these people
me and errrrrrr..........
vive il grancio

bastard throat fest

my throat hurts
not just hurty wurty
it bloody fucking hurts
hurts when i talk
hurts when i laugh
hurts when i breathe
hurts bloody all the bloody time
cant eat
cant drink
cant shout or carry on
fuck this fucken throat

sir angus of the prrrrrrrrrrrooooon nite

sir angus of the prooooooooooon was a famous scots bloke
he wrote blurbs for the back of cereal packets
you know the ones..
'eat this and your head will become fat and jolly'
'crack o bites make your nob bigger'
'reconstituted dog shite contains no reconstituted dog shite'
'trust me or my name isnt sir angus of the prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooon'
made of bullshit etc etc
in honour of his first ever add for Hairy turd snacks
every year on a day
nobody particularly cares which one
everybody gets together and reads out something from the pack of cereal pack in a silly voice
they also eat big bowls of cereal
and drink mr lavatory's own sir angus of the alcoholic prune juice
everybody puts on silly clathes
and bangs on about their great aunt broomhilda who once met sir angus at wee bonnie rocky pointo
people listent to another old traditional music
including such classic hits as;
haggis mchaggis sings about his haggis
rod stewart tossing off his khyber
ronald mcdonald sings come let me fist ya, wee bairn
alex salmond singing we want the north sea oil back
and that bloke that bangs on about gogo mobiles seranades auntie aggie with ive got a motorbike jammed up my backside...

i am being forced against my will to write a blog - help

simon is frocing me to write this blog whilst he sweeps in the toilet and kitchen. he's tyring to be inspiring about what to write but it's unfortunately not helping.....hmmmm...... i'm hungry. the end.

the streets of your town

the other day i went that way
i saw a ramp and a lot of cars
i didnt see the trees they wanted to disintegrate
perhaps i was looking the wrong way
i do get a bit distracted sometimes
infatti, c'e uno scemo che mi chiama 'distratto'
stronzo
i saw where it all happens
what all the fuss was about
an australian bethlehem if you like
except bethlehem can go fuck itself
its probably on stolen land by now
i went through a green parkage bit
with dodgy chaps hanging around a bbq
one of them seemed to be looking for something down the front of his trousers
mysteries abound
there was all of a sudden some kiddly piddly play thing
that i swear wasnt there a couple of weeks back
sure i was drunk
but i didnt walk through any fences
i can assure you of that
i sussed the laneage
and divined that maybe he had a point
then bricked it home.

think that was good?
you sad fook
well it gets even more thrillingly riveting
the following day i headed off into the sunset
its sets in the east doesnt it
saw some luvvelry plaices
all treeswy weeswy and that
sweet ickle porches or whatever they are called
i went that way and saw a familiar car going the other way
upon my return i did point out to said car
that its frontage wasnt exactly picturesque
i got called a fibber
by a bloody car ....
no wonder the world is coming to a salty ending
blah blah blah
the machines are rebelling
blah blah blah
technofear

even more baffled by that epppp?
nob end

yet another day i headed off into the errr alba
strictly speaking thats an enourmous fucking lie
but i dont speak strictly
or strickly either
if you cant enunciate properly
eeejiot
off i went
to explore the hitherto unknown realms of cecil west
sounds a bit gay doesnt it?
's alright i guess
a little skinny cat that wasnt called lionel
apparently
a bloke and a lady
that may or may not have been a couple
im not one to assume
i played chicken with a tram at 30 paces
by going in other direction completely
i cant seem to walk without being swamped by well or evil wishers
not one soul (err, dont believe in them either)
not one fish was oblvious to me
all magnetically drawn from whatever task was at hand
to stare, hate, admire, gawp, drool and ponder
luckily im rather easy going
phgggffffffffffffschnort

fleeting inspiration

yep
there it goes...

which was nice

theres nothing to eat in this town
except the mexican i had the other night
that happened to be really bueno
there was arturo
there were the chicky birds that served
a cool chick from cile
who spoke great thththth
not very surprisingly
and an osstraylian bird who lived in guadalajara
but didnt know the bit of town which i made up
and is really near san fransisco en los estado unidos
anyways
twas the real deal
i got to bang on a bit in ththththth
which was nice
drank daisies
had fajitas with mas chili
which spiced it up a beet
lots of groovy decorations
masks and comedy little wall hangings
and a farmacia on the wall
with the kleptomania potion was stolen!
another time i had nihon food
with real nihon jin waitresses
i love nihon waitresses
delightfully presented food too
which was nice
a leetle boat of sushi and sashimi
then a big plate of various hot things
and a huge seafood hotpottage thing
which melted me
and green tea ice cream...
not to mention the time not that long ago when i munched vietnamete food
a million ricepaper rolls
filled with flamin galahs
and other things
which were nice
a salady noodly delight and other gudies
not to mention the other night when i had afghan food
which looked suspiciously like indian-pakistani food
yummy meet and groovy dishes full of spicy things
particukularly the spinach
it could have been better tho
which was not completely nice
qorma and the like
then i had some nihon food
different mind you
but equally fabulicious
in fact maybe even better
more lovely nihon jin waitress birds
i love nihon jin waitress birds
this one was very cute too...
delish kirin beer
and lots of eggplant and parcelly things
which was nice
twas great to see the popstar again
which was really nice

i wish there something to eat in this town...

scanvis and the outlagger

oh bloody arse
im soooooooooo sick of scanning photos and negatives
it seems ive done nothing else for the last couple of weeks
at this point in time ive done over 1300
fucking arse
dont get me wrong....
la lallalalalala
its a huge boon
and afterwards the look fab up their on the sliver screen
but its such a pain in the arse to do
especially the negatives
especially the curly wurly wubbity ones
they are so finicky and shitty they make one want to smash things around the place
luckily im such a mild mannered fellow
so gentle of tongue
and never leapstering into a punk fut
yar its looking gude tho
a gazillion towns in a quarter gazillion countries
in a big few continents
with shedloads of sheds
animals
natural features
waterfalls, mountains and lakes
lots of man made thungs too
pyramids, towers, castle, palaces, barricades threats meeet something
people of all kinds of skinnage
that spake many a language
old, young, male, female, smelly and clean
i guess i must have seen all those things with my eyes then
remarckstable

wish i had something interesting to say....

revenge of the metal dancing thingy

i did it again
i went to the potty
like a big boy now
after that i went out
twas dublin hot
hotter than can be called reasonable
got a crab driven by a bloke from ethiopia
who was most amazed i knew anything about his country except that there was a famine.
hah, bloody clever trousers now arent i
invaded by italians
who promptly managed to fuck it up
large surprise
the only country in africa not to be colonised
about hailsalesse and all that biz
the source of the blue nile
the soldiers in somalia
the secession and war of eritea
the whole semtic biz
blahblahblah
we had a good old chat
but he did say one thing that i found odd
he reckons ethiopia is now rubbish coz it wasnt colonised
thats a bit confusing
maybe he had a point
if i was ethiopian id be well proud of not being colonised....

the metal dancing again
yawn
bloody boring
more stabbing glow in the dark nads
and sitting about being bored witless
or is that shitless
ho hum
but this time i got to a test
to make my brain work
clicking on mousey mousey
text and colours and all that
very frustrating and made me feel really thick
dammit
then the robot mating dance again
strangely relaxing really
maybe i will pick one up for the bedroom
im sure they dont cost much
makes your neck go all warm
and off it goes
taking ickle pickies of yer brain
while ladies swan in and out
greek doctors
whats that you say, a greek doctor?
i learned the difference between a radiologist and a radiographer
ho hum
i need to get out more

now bowies got bird banging on in japanese and my foot hurts
funny that...

strange metal mating dance above my hedd

i dont talk to instruments
thatd just be plain daft
i caught a yellow crab the other day
and i didnt end up in a river full of toxins
so bloody hah to vosotros
pig lovers and all
i got out of the crab
and went and sat down
in a strange land called mullbern
dont know what they wanted
twas all rather surreal to me
apparently it was a good idea
i sat and blat for a bit
and a kind lady asked how my baby was
i replied that i wasnt sure
but i imagined quite well
thanks
she didnt believe me that i didnt have a baby
bizzzarro
they took me off to a room
i talked too much
and ACCIDENTALLY gave false information
then they stabbed me
walked out and turned down the lights!
i sat there for 15 mins
wishing that i could meditate
i thought about people
about dreams
about phone conversations
real and imagined
friends that are too far away
how sunny it was outside
and about 18999 things
all in the first minute
it was pretty boring really
i wondered what my bike was doing
eventually one lady came in
she didnt say a word and put some isotopes in my holy arm
they kind of tickled and were chilly
i wonder how chilly and ticklish it would have been to have been at chernobyl that day
another 15 dragged on awfully
i thought of all kinds of things
mostly the ones that i should have done
but ive been putting off
or those that stood in the road ahead of me
like some scary grown up obligation monster
that 15 mins really slurmed its way away
then they both came in...
took out my stabbage and sent me off to the waiting room
to sit 'quietly'
i felt like a naughty schoolkid
which i may well be
i wandered if being quiet allowed me to flick thru the quality mags there
i supposed not
i might have got all excitable reading time
and got my crank on and ruined all the pretty pictures
that was 39 mins
belach
at last it was ooova
they lead me back in and lay me down on this big arsed machine
well it had more of a big head
than a big arse
it danced around my head
for another half an hour
in a strange robotic mating dance
the left plate thingy would shudder a little
the right would do exactly the same
the left plate thingy would slide down a few cms
the right plate thingy would slide up some
and so on
i tried to sleep
fuck this is a riveting story
BUT IT DIDNT
IT DRAGGED ON INTERMINABLY
JUST LIKE THIS BLOG
SO FUCK OFF

and a merry new footrub

before it fades away
best document if that is the right word, the turning of the year
there was a bbq slash axl partaaay here at shat-oh-beavuoirvis
was good and all
there was kev and drave
then there was gaz
we played a bored game which got us all a bit bawd
e
then there was murray
who brought along drew
another refugee from the badlands of paisley
fresh off the boat
jehovis showed her pretty face
sandra flowed on by
damien shooobitted himself on thru
as enigmatically as ever
with 2 frenz in toe
that bird that was at merrydeath last year
the other last year
the one that still seems like last year
and some bloke who spoke a foreign tongue
won that i know ravver well
much to my delightvus
we munched and drank and schmoked
spoke about some things
i imagine
then it were orf down the road
about 50 metres in fact
to the parco where they hav a parti
apparently da sempre
tis only my second coming
lots and lots of people
lots and lots of legs
lots and lots of bung people
some fireworks
and big noise
i didnt get up to much really
wasnt feeling that fabbo
altho i did my best
with bourbon and punch and beer
did a fair bit of sititng around
chatting with peoples
lots of blethering in the language of the speschial ones
peeple came and went
the year came and went
some arbitrary fucking numbers
thats okay with me tho
the eskii took a butt belting
i naughtily played with shoes
that i shouldnt have
and put on my straightest of faces
when the trub came to town
the jolly brothers went into the mix looking for the chemical brothers
jehovah kept going missing
just like a god....
dave was on gude form
some good folk barraged a man from far away in fluent swearitaliano
that was cool
came back to the hoose
kez was flopsied
sat round a beet
some jocular people brought out the tekila
bleaghghhg
no really
back to the park
some more of the same
damien called me some more names
hmmmm
chatted with a lady with nice teef
back to hoose perhaps
jehovis was found
paler than a stack of meat pies
beavis was a bounding
on fine fiery form
we had the best at the party
singing and dancing to the weensters
perhaps a beets earlier...
coming and going
outside dreenking and smoking
inside lounging and snoffing
never done that before
and repeat...
apparently some eediot managed to set fire to the back fence at 5am
how maggoty is that
alls well that ends well
alls well when surrouned my gude people...

beavis has an arty cupboard

dorme di la'
spero che dorme bene
che fa sogni pacifici
cosa fa la' non lo so
ma ne posso imaginare
eccome
meglio di no
sarebbe un' altra sprecata di energia
o uno spreco
ma dorme di la'
fuori del mio mondo
ci devono essere dozzine di questi tipi
di offerte
di speranze
di inutili fantasie
e' per quello che non posso farcelo piu
e' troppo facile cadere in quella trappola
anche senza parole esatte
fara freddo di la'
io ci sono stato
degli anni fa
non e' che mi lo ricordo piu di tanto
qualche immagino e' rimasto
un paio di emozioni
sembra che sia stato un altro
pero ho sempre la prova
un' altra fantasia
fanno male queste cose
te lo posso giurare
non so quella che pensa
sono stato invitato fino ad un certo punto in quel mondo
e' sono rimasto incastrato
senza via di scampo
be, non e' la verita completa
ci sono ancora
mi sembra un mondo confuso
ma un mondo meraviglioso lo stesso
dove vorrei tanto restare e esplorare
mi pare che potrei fare tanto bene
il tocco leggero e le parole giuste
mi rende triste che dorme di la'
cosi' lontano
nel tempo e nello spazio
non sto male qua
non sogno di essere la
a lottare, a imprecare e piangere
vedrai il mondo piu bello
troverai un felicita finora sconosciuta
la pace, la tranquillita e la contentita
ti aspettano
con le braccia apperte
ma aspetta...
e' la fanatsia che torna
come un vecchio amico che non mi va di sentire piu
ma dorme la' ugualmente
mi chiedo che succede di la'
nel cervello
da dove viengono queste umori
la tristezza e la lacuna di pace
da un quasi paradiso
sarebbe il luogo dei miei sogni
io potrei dormire di la'

the wife and i thank you very much...

we had the best time at your party
but its kind of hard to comment right now
coz i cant see the end of my foot
i know its down there somewhere
there was no lollipops
there was no wizz fizz
or barbituates
come to think of it i dont even know what barbituates are...