+ SO = ?
geddit?
Hint-swearing in foreign languages is fun!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
When I first met your (Em)ma...
(almost the first time)When I first met your mother
I was wandering around a hostel in omonia
She was hanging with some yank
That foolish yank kept saying mackedonia
She looked so muppety and groovy
As she sat on those stairs
And I was not the only one
Talking to that schnaa
When I first met your ma
When I first visited your mother
I was with anna once again
We drove a hire car to the countryman
There she got some beers in
We could not stop our drinking
Then she whispered in my ear
'You're quite pissed you know
So let's not drive too fast'
When I first visited your ma
Em like a butterfly flaps about
You'll discover this, no doubt
Em like a butterfly flaps about
When we first lived together
Inside her student house
We often smoked some spliff
As we giggled with Grim, Martin and Chris
From the next room came pounding, twas juicy on the job
I scarpered two blocks in swansea rain
I could have scarpered ten more
When I first rented her room from your ma
Em she sure knows how to blag
You'll find out that she's no slag
Em she sure knows how to blag....
Friday, October 10, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world - Q
Q
Qatar
Just a little pensinsula off the arabian disgrace of land in the persian gulf between asia and africa. Qatar may have a history of 234345343434 years as camel molesters but as far as pevw is concerned they are all arab islamic nutters. As an example of how mad they are, they allow a mad swede to live there and prosper no less. Apart from the horrid backwards usual rubbish about islamic states, qatar makes a big effort to be bungholes by importing athletes from africa and footballers from south america to perform great sporting feats for their new 'country'. Wankers
travel advice-go and get drunk with marten and see the grand prix, then tell the locals to stop being such backwards fuckers.
Qatar
Just a little pensinsula off the arabian disgrace of land in the persian gulf between asia and africa. Qatar may have a history of 234345343434 years as camel molesters but as far as pevw is concerned they are all arab islamic nutters. As an example of how mad they are, they allow a mad swede to live there and prosper no less. Apart from the horrid backwards usual rubbish about islamic states, qatar makes a big effort to be bungholes by importing athletes from africa and footballers from south america to perform great sporting feats for their new 'country'. Wankers
travel advice-go and get drunk with marten and see the grand prix, then tell the locals to stop being such backwards fuckers.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
he's got a beard and a hat!
Ballad of the Skeletons by Allen Ginsberg and some scouser...
Wizard, really first rate!
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
the local paper shop
THE PROPRIETOR IN FRONT OF THE LOCAL PAPER SHOPi am quite fond of the local paper shop
they have local papers
they have food and drinks
they have dips and pet food
they have an interesting array of staff
they have rather good specials
they have fags and booze
and beer promotions that arent massively cheap
but sucker me on a regular basis
especially the one with the grand ridge bizz
there is the indianish bloke who looks permanently stoned
who munches his lunch around the side and yacks on his mobily
there is the proper indian bloke who has square glasses and is a bit too cheery
there is the cutesy girly with the dyed hair who works on sundays
there is the rather thick lady who is sometimes there
in the delicatessen department there is a pretty good turnover
even that chick from colombia whom i am sure will call me soon
there are loads of other people who seem to drive through
i quite often go to the local paper shop
sometimes i wonder if i go there too often
its that bloody bloke again they might whispher
before scanning my card yet again
and giving me the slip to sign
no, i dont sign underwear
its a receipt right!?
they seem to understand my vocal etchings
they must be from our area....
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world -P part 2
P
Paraguay
Not to be mixed up with that other great guay, Uru, Paraguay is further north and inland on the south american continent. I once waded in the river that is the border between Paraguay and Agentina, but you probably dont care about that. They speak thththth in Paraguay and they have a big dam that beavis was interested in. I tried to enter the country once but there was some visa rubbish going on.
Travel advice-watch out for visa rubbish going on and look at a big dam.
Peru
Celestine prophecy or not Peru is a country that inspires the imaginations of lots of people. which means its more the pity that the country is a complete toilet. That most certainly isnt the fault of the Incas and their forebears who built all that cool stuff, its entirely the fault of the current day peruvians who are maggoty and cynical. Macchu Picchu et al are quite extraordinary but you have to tolerate all kinds of fuckers to get there. Catherine has been to peru, with switters the birdie and Tania the nutty, although she probably doesnt remember it. There is a thththththth level three alert all over the country.
travel advice-cash on in all the free drinks on offer around cuzco, one drink and then onwards...
Philippines
A nation of 25,4747m838 islands in the western pacific, philippines (the) probably have a lot of boats. They only relatively recently escaped from being a part of the thththth empire, so happily you dont have to hear ththth when you visit, but many names and place names are very thththh.
After that the nasty japanese showed up and were generally very bastardy, then the godblessamericans showed up for ww2 and very hard to stick around and run the show but the philipinos gave them the finger. All power to the filipinos! Imelda Marcos is the most famous philipino about these days, she stole milllions from the country and spent it all on shoes.
travel advice-go quickly coz there wont be any forest left next week, also avoid the southern islands unless you like being killed by islamist morons.
Poland
Sandwiched between Russia and Germany, Poland wins the most dangerous location award every time. Constantly invaded and trashed by these two historical paradigms of good neighbourly behaviour, Poland is doing fab just to be around. Poland has some of the most beautiful women on the planet and some of the dodgiest porno 'tached blokes too. The poles used to rumble with the swedes when they were tough, then the teutonic knights showed up and called it Prussia. Hitler and Stalin divvied up the land for themselves and then fucked everybody over, once again. After WW2, the russians annexed it and turned it into a shitty communist state. I have only been to Krakow and surrounds, Krakow is fucking gorgeous because the nazis didnt get a chance to blow it up (unlike the rest of the country) but nearby is oscwiecim or Auschwitz as the germans called it, the most fucked up place on earth. Brrrrr...
Famous Poles include Lech Walensa, Stan and the three colours trilogy director bloke. These days half the poles live in england being plumbers.
travel advice-to to auschwitz, then wait a while before meeting any germans if you dont wish to be jailed.
Portugal
Portugal is the westernmost part of continental europe and they talk djdjjdjdjdjdjdj, which is very similar to thththhththt, at least in writing. It takes up only a small part of iberia but the portuguese did a smashing job of adventuring in the ahem 'new' world, they were all over the shop. Marten wants to retire there to a fishing village and a lot other people say its fab. As they are the only country in western europe that demands a holiday visa from nationals of my ilk i say they can go fuck themselves.
travel advice-i'm not bothering about it until they cut that shit out.. buttholes
Paraguay
Not to be mixed up with that other great guay, Uru, Paraguay is further north and inland on the south american continent. I once waded in the river that is the border between Paraguay and Agentina, but you probably dont care about that. They speak thththth in Paraguay and they have a big dam that beavis was interested in. I tried to enter the country once but there was some visa rubbish going on.
Travel advice-watch out for visa rubbish going on and look at a big dam.
Peru
Celestine prophecy or not Peru is a country that inspires the imaginations of lots of people. which means its more the pity that the country is a complete toilet. That most certainly isnt the fault of the Incas and their forebears who built all that cool stuff, its entirely the fault of the current day peruvians who are maggoty and cynical. Macchu Picchu et al are quite extraordinary but you have to tolerate all kinds of fuckers to get there. Catherine has been to peru, with switters the birdie and Tania the nutty, although she probably doesnt remember it. There is a thththththth level three alert all over the country.
travel advice-cash on in all the free drinks on offer around cuzco, one drink and then onwards...
Philippines
A nation of 25,4747m838 islands in the western pacific, philippines (the) probably have a lot of boats. They only relatively recently escaped from being a part of the thththth empire, so happily you dont have to hear ththth when you visit, but many names and place names are very thththh.
After that the nasty japanese showed up and were generally very bastardy, then the godblessamericans showed up for ww2 and very hard to stick around and run the show but the philipinos gave them the finger. All power to the filipinos! Imelda Marcos is the most famous philipino about these days, she stole milllions from the country and spent it all on shoes.
travel advice-go quickly coz there wont be any forest left next week, also avoid the southern islands unless you like being killed by islamist morons.
Poland
Sandwiched between Russia and Germany, Poland wins the most dangerous location award every time. Constantly invaded and trashed by these two historical paradigms of good neighbourly behaviour, Poland is doing fab just to be around. Poland has some of the most beautiful women on the planet and some of the dodgiest porno 'tached blokes too. The poles used to rumble with the swedes when they were tough, then the teutonic knights showed up and called it Prussia. Hitler and Stalin divvied up the land for themselves and then fucked everybody over, once again. After WW2, the russians annexed it and turned it into a shitty communist state. I have only been to Krakow and surrounds, Krakow is fucking gorgeous because the nazis didnt get a chance to blow it up (unlike the rest of the country) but nearby is oscwiecim or Auschwitz as the germans called it, the most fucked up place on earth. Brrrrr...
Famous Poles include Lech Walensa, Stan and the three colours trilogy director bloke. These days half the poles live in england being plumbers.
travel advice-to to auschwitz, then wait a while before meeting any germans if you dont wish to be jailed.
Portugal
Portugal is the westernmost part of continental europe and they talk djdjjdjdjdjdjdj, which is very similar to thththhththt, at least in writing. It takes up only a small part of iberia but the portuguese did a smashing job of adventuring in the ahem 'new' world, they were all over the shop. Marten wants to retire there to a fishing village and a lot other people say its fab. As they are the only country in western europe that demands a holiday visa from nationals of my ilk i say they can go fuck themselves.
travel advice-i'm not bothering about it until they cut that shit out.. buttholes
Monday, October 06, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world-P part 1
P
Pakistan
Pakistan came into being when the english decided to carve up the sub contintent to seperate those gazillion cheeky hindus from those gazillion naughty muslims. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but quite frankly these neighbours dont get along (with nukes). The majority of the muslims took their lives into pakistan, an alleged democracy and into east pakistan, which is now bangladesh. Of course it all went toilet shaped and now pakistan is one of the major sources of frettage the world over. A country effectively run by the military with a hell of a lot of muslim extremists in positions of power and some of them have access to nuclear weapons. The regions next to the afghanistan border are teeming with religious nutbags who 'hate us because we are free'. In addition to this bag o tricks, they are constantly nearly at war with india of kashmir and they loooove cricket.
travel advice-stay the fuck away.
Palau
Well its an island or some islands in the pacific. apart from this i have no fucking idea. famous palauns include ironclad the goldfish and seatboot the palm tree near the beach.
travel advice-when you go over the dateline, does your body know its younger/older?
Palestine
Palestine should be where israel is, but it isnt for many varied PROFOUNDLY WRONG reasons, guilt, money, phony ethnicity claims and other idiocy. Sadly, many palestinians live in desperation because of the terrorist state (israel) oppressing them in their own country. This gives the islamic religious fuckwits lots of excuses to brainwash them. Palestine these days is known mainly for the fact that it is continously a place of armed conflict.
travel advice-i would rather eat my own hairy toe knuckles than go there.
Panama
Apparently there is a panama city hotel which bob mould thought was so cool it was worth writing a song about. Panama is the skinniest bit of central america so some digging people dug a big hole in it so shipping wouldnt have to all the way around south america. Good Idea! But, as a country in central america they have to speak thththhththth and probably have very little money or tin snips.
travel advice-if you're ugly forget it, I on the other hand am fab so I am going there sometime soon
Papua New Guinea
So who was the buttock who thought this placed should be called Guinea? Does it look like a west african country? no, it bloody doesnt! It is a big island directly north from ossstraya and the last of the major islands of the chain that consists otherwise of indonesia. Unfortunately, because the indonesians are arseholes they rigged it so when the europeans pissed off, they managed to steal half of the island which they now rule via intimidation and terror and are trying to engineer the society into an indigineous minority by importing lots of javanese. This is shit and inexcusable and the silence of western countries on the matter is a fucking disgrace. Free West Papua. Incidentally, it was formerly an australian colony so we could pretend we were a big tough country like euros and yanks.
travel advice-the last known cannibals ceased munching people 40 years ago, so its probably a bit safer these days.
Pakistan
Pakistan came into being when the english decided to carve up the sub contintent to seperate those gazillion cheeky hindus from those gazillion naughty muslims. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but quite frankly these neighbours dont get along (with nukes). The majority of the muslims took their lives into pakistan, an alleged democracy and into east pakistan, which is now bangladesh. Of course it all went toilet shaped and now pakistan is one of the major sources of frettage the world over. A country effectively run by the military with a hell of a lot of muslim extremists in positions of power and some of them have access to nuclear weapons. The regions next to the afghanistan border are teeming with religious nutbags who 'hate us because we are free'. In addition to this bag o tricks, they are constantly nearly at war with india of kashmir and they loooove cricket.
travel advice-stay the fuck away.
Palau
Well its an island or some islands in the pacific. apart from this i have no fucking idea. famous palauns include ironclad the goldfish and seatboot the palm tree near the beach.
travel advice-when you go over the dateline, does your body know its younger/older?
Palestine
Palestine should be where israel is, but it isnt for many varied PROFOUNDLY WRONG reasons, guilt, money, phony ethnicity claims and other idiocy. Sadly, many palestinians live in desperation because of the terrorist state (israel) oppressing them in their own country. This gives the islamic religious fuckwits lots of excuses to brainwash them. Palestine these days is known mainly for the fact that it is continously a place of armed conflict.
travel advice-i would rather eat my own hairy toe knuckles than go there.
Panama
Apparently there is a panama city hotel which bob mould thought was so cool it was worth writing a song about. Panama is the skinniest bit of central america so some digging people dug a big hole in it so shipping wouldnt have to all the way around south america. Good Idea! But, as a country in central america they have to speak thththhththth and probably have very little money or tin snips.
travel advice-if you're ugly forget it, I on the other hand am fab so I am going there sometime soon
Papua New Guinea
So who was the buttock who thought this placed should be called Guinea? Does it look like a west african country? no, it bloody doesnt! It is a big island directly north from ossstraya and the last of the major islands of the chain that consists otherwise of indonesia. Unfortunately, because the indonesians are arseholes they rigged it so when the europeans pissed off, they managed to steal half of the island which they now rule via intimidation and terror and are trying to engineer the society into an indigineous minority by importing lots of javanese. This is shit and inexcusable and the silence of western countries on the matter is a fucking disgrace. Free West Papua. Incidentally, it was formerly an australian colony so we could pretend we were a big tough country like euros and yanks.
travel advice-the last known cannibals ceased munching people 40 years ago, so its probably a bit safer these days.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
if it comes to the crunch we'll do lunch with the bunch from the east
these american banks and other money wankers that claim to have brought on the crunch
theyve never even heard of the crunch
sure they caused a worldwide financial meltdown
but they certainly havent been to been to the crunch
it seems they loaned money to any buttknockers that asked for it
without even receiving a postcard from the crunch
bungholes who could never afford houses and dillweeds who invested stupidly got money
i certainly didnt see any of them down the boozer at the crunch
they speculated multiple millions of dollars on things that never even existed
without so much meeting a single resident of the crunch
successive moronic governments started with a useless ex-actor let these greedy fuckers run rampant
without listening to a single record from the crunch blues band
imperilling the entire planets economy and the livelihood of billions
without once glimpsing the crunch on the horizon atop a mountain
greed, greed and more greed, these leeches live for nothing but money
and never once have they watched a documentary about wildlife at the crunch
allowed to flourish by corrupt immoral politicians who were part of the whole scam
whilst never even taking the time to learn a single word of the crunchian language
when it comes to the crunch
there are very strict banking regulations there so these scum best reform their business practices
if they hope to open a branch there!
theyve never even heard of the crunch
sure they caused a worldwide financial meltdown
but they certainly havent been to been to the crunch
it seems they loaned money to any buttknockers that asked for it
without even receiving a postcard from the crunch
bungholes who could never afford houses and dillweeds who invested stupidly got money
i certainly didnt see any of them down the boozer at the crunch
they speculated multiple millions of dollars on things that never even existed
without so much meeting a single resident of the crunch
successive moronic governments started with a useless ex-actor let these greedy fuckers run rampant
without listening to a single record from the crunch blues band
imperilling the entire planets economy and the livelihood of billions
without once glimpsing the crunch on the horizon atop a mountain
greed, greed and more greed, these leeches live for nothing but money
and never once have they watched a documentary about wildlife at the crunch
allowed to flourish by corrupt immoral politicians who were part of the whole scam
whilst never even taking the time to learn a single word of the crunchian language
when it comes to the crunch
there are very strict banking regulations there so these scum best reform their business practices
if they hope to open a branch there!
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Now for 20 indented moose elbows, Bill, name that tune!
clue.. click on the pretty picture to make it all big like....
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
oh my god, thats some funky shit...
They are japanese, they are stripey, they have binoculars strapped to their heads and they are playing football...It's japanese binocular football and its farking hilarious!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
end of september blog
well its the end of september
a time for us all to take stock of out lives
and our cubes
the end of september pondering tradition was first started by the berber peoples in north africa
so they could all stop and count their sand
and the bloke with the most sand counted in the 24 hour period
won a tall donkey with a hump
it seems to have crossed over to european culture with the moors when they moved into southern spain
the spaniards took some time to become accustomed to it
as they could not say sand properly
thhthththththththththththandthhththththand...
but eventually some drunk english secretaries and football players showed up and enlightened them
they were good at that
and it arrived in australia with el capitano ththththronzo a couple of siglos back
now all people in this fair land take this opportunity for some navel gazing
so,
what have you done this month to your local eagle?
who have you made out of paper mache?
have you met any brazilians?
is your career careering off the rails or is it just swinging its hips seductively?
have you told your family about your plimsoll obsession?
did you save enough kidney beans for a new one?
if you look at tree, does a library clap count all of a sudden?
BIG questions!!!!
EXISTENTIAL questions!!!!
PROFOUND questions!!!!
and questions you NEED answering to make sense of a post religion world!
All this and more can be gleaned from my fab new book:
LIMEBEAVER KNOWS ALL THE ANSWERS AND YOU ARE DIM!
available for 12 easy payments of 10 Euros.
So STOP wondering what its all about
and send me your MONEY sharpish
NB food stamps are not acceptable
a time for us all to take stock of out lives
and our cubes
the end of september pondering tradition was first started by the berber peoples in north africa
so they could all stop and count their sand
and the bloke with the most sand counted in the 24 hour period
won a tall donkey with a hump
it seems to have crossed over to european culture with the moors when they moved into southern spain
the spaniards took some time to become accustomed to it
as they could not say sand properly
thhthththththththththththandthhththththand...
but eventually some drunk english secretaries and football players showed up and enlightened them
they were good at that
and it arrived in australia with el capitano ththththronzo a couple of siglos back
now all people in this fair land take this opportunity for some navel gazing
so,
what have you done this month to your local eagle?
who have you made out of paper mache?
have you met any brazilians?
is your career careering off the rails or is it just swinging its hips seductively?
have you told your family about your plimsoll obsession?
did you save enough kidney beans for a new one?
if you look at tree, does a library clap count all of a sudden?
BIG questions!!!!
EXISTENTIAL questions!!!!
PROFOUND questions!!!!
and questions you NEED answering to make sense of a post religion world!
All this and more can be gleaned from my fab new book:
LIMEBEAVER KNOWS ALL THE ANSWERS AND YOU ARE DIM!
available for 12 easy payments of 10 Euros.
So STOP wondering what its all about
and send me your MONEY sharpish
NB food stamps are not acceptable
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
i missed the point
i went to a music festival and didnt see any bands
i missed the point
i went out with a girl and spent the whole night talking to the barman about politics
i missed the point
i travelled to a foreign land and spent the whole time with australians
i missed the point
i shaved my head but not my face
i missed the point
i watched foreign language movies dubbed into english
i missed the point
i went to a posh restaurant and filled up on bread
i missed the point
i fell asleep and woke up again soon after
i missed the point
i wanted to see europe so i went to mini europe on philip island
i missed the point
i needed an idea, so i asked beavis for one
i missed the point
i smoked dope but i didnt inhale
i missed the point
i wrote a blog about missing the point but i got it spot on
i missed the point
i sold my soul to the devil but lost the receipt
i missed the point
i invaded russia in the winter but didnt take any socks
i missed the point
i sniffed glue but had a blocked nose
i missed the point
i watched a scary movie but talked throughout the frightening bits
i missed the point
i opened a can of worms but didnt go fishing
i missed the point
i changed my name but forgot the new one
i missed the point
i drank light beer
i missed the point
i listened to the smiths but didnt get depressed
i missed the point
i wanted to know what was happening in the world and bought the herald scum
i missed the point
i sought entertainment and turned on the telly to a commercial tv station
i missed the point
i ran the 400 metres but got bored and stopped at 396 metres
i missed the point
i went to britain to get a tan for my summer holiday
i missed the point
i paid a prostitute for sex then just played chess with her
i missed the point
i was a homophobe who enjoyed watching pedro almodovar films
i missed the point
i bought a whole leg of prosciutto crudo and left it for the ants to eat
i missed the point
i tied her to the railway tracks with licorice strips
i missed the point
i went to the moon on an epic voyage, but stayed in the ship and watched telly
i missed the point
i used big impressive words but i didnt know what they meant
i missed the point
a 4,230,107 metre pair of trousers rucked up
and i still missed the fucking point...
i missed the point
i went out with a girl and spent the whole night talking to the barman about politics
i missed the point
i travelled to a foreign land and spent the whole time with australians
i missed the point
i shaved my head but not my face
i missed the point
i watched foreign language movies dubbed into english
i missed the point
i went to a posh restaurant and filled up on bread
i missed the point
i fell asleep and woke up again soon after
i missed the point
i wanted to see europe so i went to mini europe on philip island
i missed the point
i needed an idea, so i asked beavis for one
i missed the point
i smoked dope but i didnt inhale
i missed the point
i wrote a blog about missing the point but i got it spot on
i missed the point
i sold my soul to the devil but lost the receipt
i missed the point
i invaded russia in the winter but didnt take any socks
i missed the point
i sniffed glue but had a blocked nose
i missed the point
i watched a scary movie but talked throughout the frightening bits
i missed the point
i opened a can of worms but didnt go fishing
i missed the point
i changed my name but forgot the new one
i missed the point
i drank light beer
i missed the point
i listened to the smiths but didnt get depressed
i missed the point
i wanted to know what was happening in the world and bought the herald scum
i missed the point
i sought entertainment and turned on the telly to a commercial tv station
i missed the point
i ran the 400 metres but got bored and stopped at 396 metres
i missed the point
i went to britain to get a tan for my summer holiday
i missed the point
i paid a prostitute for sex then just played chess with her
i missed the point
i was a homophobe who enjoyed watching pedro almodovar films
i missed the point
i bought a whole leg of prosciutto crudo and left it for the ants to eat
i missed the point
i tied her to the railway tracks with licorice strips
i missed the point
i went to the moon on an epic voyage, but stayed in the ship and watched telly
i missed the point
i used big impressive words but i didnt know what they meant
i missed the point
a 4,230,107 metre pair of trousers rucked up
and i still missed the fucking point...
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
micio mania
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
8.30 shout a lot out the back
8.35 when a maggot opens the back door, enter the house and shout briefly at the maggot
8.36 purr when receiving pats, take up position on the couch
8.38 fall asleep on the couch
10.32 rudely briefly awoken by some maggot
10.35 fall asleep on the couch
10.36-12.12 sleep on the coach, purr occasionally when patted
12.13 awaken briefly look around
12.14 fall asleep on the couch
13.35 rudely awoken from great fluffy dream
13.39 look around dazed
13.40 smell cooking bacon and leap to kitchen
13.41-13.44 shout sleepily about bacon
13.45 munch down bacon fat
13.46 lap up some water
13.47 sit in the kitchen and shout rather forlornly
13.52 give it up and get back onto couch
13.53 get comfortable but do not fall asleep, instead look around hopefully in case some bacon forthcoming
14.03-14.27 intently watch a maggot eating pasta matriciana with THAT bacon on it
14.28 give up and fall asleep on the couch
15.02 hear some bird action out back door, look up, change direction lain on couch
15.03 fall asleep on the couch (with an ear twitching if case of bird noises outside)
15.20 purr a bit and watch a maggot disappear, dont care very much
15.22 fall asleep on the couch
17.10 awoken again by a maggot, purr perfunctorily
17.11-17.37 sleep on the couch
17.38 get up, stretch very groovily, yawn quite a bit flounce about
17.44 wander around shouting, scratching at boxes, jumping on things and shouting some more
18.15 get put on top of a bookshelf
18.16 look bemused
18.25 purr, try to beat some string
18.35 try to kill a maggot that wants to help me get down
18.42 finally get down only to get around the house upside down
18.56-19.02 try to catch some cloth fish on a rope
19.05 hear noise from front door, rush there only to find a maggot with a plastic head
19.10 disappear with a casual shout out the back
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
20.54 smell something meaty on the bbq and return, shouting animatedly
21.00 shout maniacally and fling dead mouse around in the air
21.06 eat dead mouse
21.14-21.48 run around pile of leaves and sticks jumping and shouting
21.49 catch a mouse and play with it
22.13 get bored and eat mouse
22.15 enter back door looking very satisfied and licking chops
22.16 demand attention, shout and disappear into the night
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
8.30 shout a lot out the back
8.35 when a maggot opens the back door, enter the house and shout briefly at the maggot
8.36 purr when receiving pats, take up position on the couch
8.38 fall asleep on the couch
10.32 rudely briefly awoken by some maggot
10.35 fall asleep on the couch
10.36-12.12 sleep on the coach, purr occasionally when patted
12.13 awaken briefly look around
12.14 fall asleep on the couch
13.35 rudely awoken from great fluffy dream
13.39 look around dazed
13.40 smell cooking bacon and leap to kitchen
13.41-13.44 shout sleepily about bacon
13.45 munch down bacon fat
13.46 lap up some water
13.47 sit in the kitchen and shout rather forlornly
13.52 give it up and get back onto couch
13.53 get comfortable but do not fall asleep, instead look around hopefully in case some bacon forthcoming
14.03-14.27 intently watch a maggot eating pasta matriciana with THAT bacon on it
14.28 give up and fall asleep on the couch
15.02 hear some bird action out back door, look up, change direction lain on couch
15.03 fall asleep on the couch (with an ear twitching if case of bird noises outside)
15.20 purr a bit and watch a maggot disappear, dont care very much
15.22 fall asleep on the couch
17.10 awoken again by a maggot, purr perfunctorily
17.11-17.37 sleep on the couch
17.38 get up, stretch very groovily, yawn quite a bit flounce about
17.44 wander around shouting, scratching at boxes, jumping on things and shouting some more
18.15 get put on top of a bookshelf
18.16 look bemused
18.25 purr, try to beat some string
18.35 try to kill a maggot that wants to help me get down
18.42 finally get down only to get around the house upside down
18.56-19.02 try to catch some cloth fish on a rope
19.05 hear noise from front door, rush there only to find a maggot with a plastic head
19.10 disappear with a casual shout out the back
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
20.54 smell something meaty on the bbq and return, shouting animatedly
21.00 shout maniacally and fling dead mouse around in the air
21.06 eat dead mouse
21.14-21.48 run around pile of leaves and sticks jumping and shouting
21.49 catch a mouse and play with it
22.13 get bored and eat mouse
22.15 enter back door looking very satisfied and licking chops
22.16 demand attention, shout and disappear into the night
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
Monday, September 22, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world - O
O
Oman
Oh man! Oman is a country in Asia, i think its on the Arabian Peninsula or perhaps not. Regardless it is very small and undoubtedly backwards and rubbish and islamic. The capital is Muscat, i assume that means it was named after Melbourne Victory captain, former socceroo, former captain of Millwall and general football thug, Kevin Muscat. There is also a grape variety called muscat but something tells me the arabian peninsula isnt its point of origin.
travel advice-I've got no words of wisdom!!!
Oman
Oh man! Oman is a country in Asia, i think its on the Arabian Peninsula or perhaps not. Regardless it is very small and undoubtedly backwards and rubbish and islamic. The capital is Muscat, i assume that means it was named after Melbourne Victory captain, former socceroo, former captain of Millwall and general football thug, Kevin Muscat. There is also a grape variety called muscat but something tells me the arabian peninsula isnt its point of origin.
travel advice-I've got no words of wisdom!!!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world - N Part 2
N
New Zealand
Wella, wella, wella...wellington. There is so much and so little to say about new zealand and much more indeed to say about its inhabitants. Starting from the start, new zealand looks nothing like old zealand.. did you even know there was an old one?! It is a couple of islands floating vaguely off the eastish coast of osstraya. From all reports the scenery is spectacular, lord of the rings etc etc. Big arse mountains, fjords, umm the other things that people like to look at. People i love and respect and beavis say its really lovely, I went there when i was about 5 mins old and dont remember much and once again for 16 hours in transit and dont remember much either, except getting really drunk with some guy from jersey. Most new zealanders i have met have been quite chilled people, BUT there is a substantial portion of them that have big old chips on their shoulders about osstrayans and are excruciating about it. They can fuck right off, twats.
travel advice-if you are osstrayan, pretend to be from err madagascar, thatll throw them
Nicaragua
Vaguely famous from the eighties when there was all that political trub going down in central america. NOT FUCKING KANSAS! Sandanistas or something with godblessamerica making the usual uninvited big mess. It is only little and they do speak ththhththththt, so beware! but im thinking itd be cool to visit, so i ruddy well will then.
travel advice-look up the ththhththth in your spanish english dictionary and try to stay fashionable.
Niger
Niger let me down a few years back. For many, many moons I larfed and larfed and the larfed some more because i thought it was pronounced NIGer, oh what a grand let down that was. But the Nigerese (?) people cant be held responsible for that, as much i would like them to be. Their country is suspiciously close to Nigeria, which makes me think some shit was going down at some point or somebody had a mental block in the naming department. But Niger was a french colony in western africa as opposed to nigeria (british), so who bloody knows. it's landlocked and not far from the sahara, which sounds like a big recipe for trub soup to me.
travel advice-not everybody will be called nigel when you get there, sorry about that.
Nigeria
Is not niger with a couple of vowels banged on the end by some excitable italian. It is its own country and the most powerful country in africa, with a large population, a big army and loads of oil. It is also hopelessly corrupt, with gazillions of euros being sucked up by a dodgy and corrupt government and cronies and large parts of the population being terribly poor. To add insult to injury, the top part of the country is run by muslim lunatics who think that stoning people to death is a great idea and women deserve the same rights as a cupboard doorknob. Bad news!
Catherine told me about nigeria and i remain scared ten years later.
travel advice-ask catherine to talk some sense into you, what were you thinking butthole?
Norway
I dig norway, but i dont dig graves. A gorgeous country full of gorgeous people lots of fish! Famous for its fjords and stunning nature, norway is fab. I wanted to move there until some bloke talked sense into me in bergen and said that it sucks large ones in winter. But in summer! Dio tuo! Only in the last wotsit or so it booted out the danes and then the swedes only for those nasty nazis to show up and be right stronzi. Norway is renowned for their fab social security and tolerance. Norway was founded by a bloke called Munch! What more could you want!
travel advice-make it your only holiday for the next 20 years, its damn expensive!
New Zealand
Wella, wella, wella...wellington. There is so much and so little to say about new zealand and much more indeed to say about its inhabitants. Starting from the start, new zealand looks nothing like old zealand.. did you even know there was an old one?! It is a couple of islands floating vaguely off the eastish coast of osstraya. From all reports the scenery is spectacular, lord of the rings etc etc. Big arse mountains, fjords, umm the other things that people like to look at. People i love and respect and beavis say its really lovely, I went there when i was about 5 mins old and dont remember much and once again for 16 hours in transit and dont remember much either, except getting really drunk with some guy from jersey. Most new zealanders i have met have been quite chilled people, BUT there is a substantial portion of them that have big old chips on their shoulders about osstrayans and are excruciating about it. They can fuck right off, twats.
travel advice-if you are osstrayan, pretend to be from err madagascar, thatll throw them
Nicaragua
Vaguely famous from the eighties when there was all that political trub going down in central america. NOT FUCKING KANSAS! Sandanistas or something with godblessamerica making the usual uninvited big mess. It is only little and they do speak ththhththththt, so beware! but im thinking itd be cool to visit, so i ruddy well will then.
travel advice-look up the ththhththth in your spanish english dictionary and try to stay fashionable.
Niger
Niger let me down a few years back. For many, many moons I larfed and larfed and the larfed some more because i thought it was pronounced NIGer, oh what a grand let down that was. But the Nigerese (?) people cant be held responsible for that, as much i would like them to be. Their country is suspiciously close to Nigeria, which makes me think some shit was going down at some point or somebody had a mental block in the naming department. But Niger was a french colony in western africa as opposed to nigeria (british), so who bloody knows. it's landlocked and not far from the sahara, which sounds like a big recipe for trub soup to me.
travel advice-not everybody will be called nigel when you get there, sorry about that.
Nigeria
Is not niger with a couple of vowels banged on the end by some excitable italian. It is its own country and the most powerful country in africa, with a large population, a big army and loads of oil. It is also hopelessly corrupt, with gazillions of euros being sucked up by a dodgy and corrupt government and cronies and large parts of the population being terribly poor. To add insult to injury, the top part of the country is run by muslim lunatics who think that stoning people to death is a great idea and women deserve the same rights as a cupboard doorknob. Bad news!
Catherine told me about nigeria and i remain scared ten years later.
travel advice-ask catherine to talk some sense into you, what were you thinking butthole?
Norway
I dig norway, but i dont dig graves. A gorgeous country full of gorgeous people lots of fish! Famous for its fjords and stunning nature, norway is fab. I wanted to move there until some bloke talked sense into me in bergen and said that it sucks large ones in winter. But in summer! Dio tuo! Only in the last wotsit or so it booted out the danes and then the swedes only for those nasty nazis to show up and be right stronzi. Norway is renowned for their fab social security and tolerance. Norway was founded by a bloke called Munch! What more could you want!
travel advice-make it your only holiday for the next 20 years, its damn expensive!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Portfolio eye view of the world- N Part 1
N
Namibia
It used to be known as german west africa until the second world war, and then it became namibia. what the fuck were the germans doing there in the first place? empire my sweaty yellow culo! they couldnt even get it right in that indiana jones film, they all got melted or something. anyway, Windhoek is the capital and apparently there are some extremely kick arse sand dunes inland and there is a coast called the skeleton coast or the boner coast or something.
travel advice-try to count all the grains of sand, thatll sort you out.
Nauru
Isnt Nauru that island made entirely of guano, ie bird shit? tee bloody hee. A whole island made of bird crap. I understand they mined their island as goano is worth loads of wonga, but they had to stop coz they were running out of island to live on! Its all very funny except they are probably going to sink under the rising oceans and it got used as an enormous refugee dumping ground by the previous fucking cunt australian government and their pacific final solution. Oh and its in the pacific, probably south eastern bit
travel advice-an island of crap, haw haw!
Nepal
Settle down you stalinist freaks, its Nepal that just got rid of its monarchy, super for nepal! If only australia were that brave. Beavis went to nepal once and flounced around with his stupid hair and saw some big mountains and grew a comedy beard. Its home of half the highest mountain on the planet, the top half, which has the traditional nepali name of mt everest. its squeezed between india and tibet (A real country). The capital is Lhasa which is not the name of a yoghurt milkshake and probably not everybody is called sherpa if you ask around.
travel advice-pay sixty grand, get half way up mt everest and then fall off and die.
The Netherlands
So it isnt called Holland any more? Is it still okay to call the locals dutch, or will they beat you up for calling them a name that sounds uncomfortably like that of their big, bad bullyboy neighbours? The capital is Hamsterdam where everybody goes and gets stoned, except me. For such a tiny country they sure have kicked a lot of arse of the centuries (and worn a lot of orange). they had an extensive colonial deal including south africa, indonesia, surinam and other bits. They came up with loads of artists, musicians and beer and then they killed anne frank. You can find a lot more than clogs, windmills, dope and sex there too, you just have to look around. I accidentally found naked people in a park! Home to Denis Bergkamp-legend car!
travel advice-the dutch are way cool people, just hang out and have a chat.
Namibia
It used to be known as german west africa until the second world war, and then it became namibia. what the fuck were the germans doing there in the first place? empire my sweaty yellow culo! they couldnt even get it right in that indiana jones film, they all got melted or something. anyway, Windhoek is the capital and apparently there are some extremely kick arse sand dunes inland and there is a coast called the skeleton coast or the boner coast or something.
travel advice-try to count all the grains of sand, thatll sort you out.
Nauru
Isnt Nauru that island made entirely of guano, ie bird shit? tee bloody hee. A whole island made of bird crap. I understand they mined their island as goano is worth loads of wonga, but they had to stop coz they were running out of island to live on! Its all very funny except they are probably going to sink under the rising oceans and it got used as an enormous refugee dumping ground by the previous fucking cunt australian government and their pacific final solution. Oh and its in the pacific, probably south eastern bit
travel advice-an island of crap, haw haw!
Nepal
Settle down you stalinist freaks, its Nepal that just got rid of its monarchy, super for nepal! If only australia were that brave. Beavis went to nepal once and flounced around with his stupid hair and saw some big mountains and grew a comedy beard. Its home of half the highest mountain on the planet, the top half, which has the traditional nepali name of mt everest. its squeezed between india and tibet (A real country). The capital is Lhasa which is not the name of a yoghurt milkshake and probably not everybody is called sherpa if you ask around.
travel advice-pay sixty grand, get half way up mt everest and then fall off and die.
The Netherlands
So it isnt called Holland any more? Is it still okay to call the locals dutch, or will they beat you up for calling them a name that sounds uncomfortably like that of their big, bad bullyboy neighbours? The capital is Hamsterdam where everybody goes and gets stoned, except me. For such a tiny country they sure have kicked a lot of arse of the centuries (and worn a lot of orange). they had an extensive colonial deal including south africa, indonesia, surinam and other bits. They came up with loads of artists, musicians and beer and then they killed anne frank. You can find a lot more than clogs, windmills, dope and sex there too, you just have to look around. I accidentally found naked people in a park! Home to Denis Bergkamp-legend car!
travel advice-the dutch are way cool people, just hang out and have a chat.
Monday, September 15, 2008
A due pezzenti
Mi fate schifo, ho sempre voluto dirvilo da quasi dieci anni ormai. La vostra poverta di imaginazione e di intelletualita vi rende persone idegne di communicare con le gente civilizata. Voi due appartenete ad un mondo che non esiste piu. I vostri cosidetto morali sono moribunde e patetici. Avete fatto niente altro che allontanare la vostra unica figlia, la vostra unica ragione di essere. Che tristezza, mi fareste pena e se non mi foste stati cosi maleducati avrei la pieta per voi. Ma no, da scelta vostra avete effetivamente perso qualsiasi speranza di tenere vicina e sotto vostro controllo. Hai reso impossible che vi respetta piu. Quindi per il vostro stesso comportamente avete rovinato l'unica cosa che vi importa. Ogni volta avete provate di reprendere controllo con un altro gioco ineffetuale, l'avete spinta sempre piu lontano. Siete patetici.
A parte tutta questa, la vostra comportamente nel mio confronto e' stata veramente tremendo. Dall'inizio non avete provato ad capirmi, Anche se non avevate mai avuto la possibilita di comprendermi. Siete due persone incapaci di rendersi conto di dove vengo, come ragiono e le mie orrizonti intelletuali. Siete pezzenti e' basta. Senza avere mai viaggiati fuori del vostro paese come vi avevate permetteti di aggiudicarmi, di decidere che non ero degno della vostra figlia? Non avete nessun'idea di quanto ho voluto sputtarvi in faccia le vostre stupidaggine e maleducazioni. Solamente per il rispetto dei desideri sui che non vi ho rinfacciato le vostre stupidita ed ignoranza. Avrei potuto smembrarvi verbalmente, dipingere un ritratto di quanto siete primitivi, lo vostra cristianita e' una credenza dei deficenti. Siete creduloni e insignificanti creaturi che non valete che vi sputo in faccia.
La cosa piu bella per me sara' la vostra tristezza nella vecchiaia che vi aspetta la vostra figlia sara sempre remota e non si fidera mai piu di voi. Ogni giorno che vi passa risultera un giorno perso in cui non avete fatto niente di valore e' la vostra unica speranza di felicita sara sempre piu lontana, e questo, cari sciocci rimane sempre colpa vostra
Andate e fanculo
A parte tutta questa, la vostra comportamente nel mio confronto e' stata veramente tremendo. Dall'inizio non avete provato ad capirmi, Anche se non avevate mai avuto la possibilita di comprendermi. Siete due persone incapaci di rendersi conto di dove vengo, come ragiono e le mie orrizonti intelletuali. Siete pezzenti e' basta. Senza avere mai viaggiati fuori del vostro paese come vi avevate permetteti di aggiudicarmi, di decidere che non ero degno della vostra figlia? Non avete nessun'idea di quanto ho voluto sputtarvi in faccia le vostre stupidaggine e maleducazioni. Solamente per il rispetto dei desideri sui che non vi ho rinfacciato le vostre stupidita ed ignoranza. Avrei potuto smembrarvi verbalmente, dipingere un ritratto di quanto siete primitivi, lo vostra cristianita e' una credenza dei deficenti. Siete creduloni e insignificanti creaturi che non valete che vi sputo in faccia.
La cosa piu bella per me sara' la vostra tristezza nella vecchiaia che vi aspetta la vostra figlia sara sempre remota e non si fidera mai piu di voi. Ogni giorno che vi passa risultera un giorno perso in cui non avete fatto niente di valore e' la vostra unica speranza di felicita sara sempre piu lontana, e questo, cari sciocci rimane sempre colpa vostra
Andate e fanculo
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