end of september blog

well its the end of september
a time for us all to take stock of out lives
and our cubes
the end of september pondering tradition was first started by the berber peoples in north africa
so they could all stop and count their sand
and the bloke with the most sand counted in the 24 hour period
won a tall donkey with a hump
it seems to have crossed over to european culture with the moors when they moved into southern spain
the spaniards took some time to become accustomed to it
as they could not say sand properly
thhthththththththththththandthhththththand...
but eventually some drunk english secretaries and football players showed up and enlightened them
they were good at that
and it arrived in australia with el capitano ththththronzo a couple of siglos back
now all people in this fair land take this opportunity for some navel gazing
so,
what have you done this month to your local eagle?
who have you made out of paper mache?
have you met any brazilians?
is your career careering off the rails or is it just swinging its hips seductively?
have you told your family about your plimsoll obsession?
did you save enough kidney beans for a new one?
if you look at tree, does a library clap count all of a sudden?

BIG questions!!!!
EXISTENTIAL questions!!!!
PROFOUND questions!!!!
and questions you NEED answering to make sense of a post religion world!

All this and more can be gleaned from my fab new book:
LIMEBEAVER KNOWS ALL THE ANSWERS AND YOU ARE DIM!
available for 12 easy payments of 10 Euros.
So STOP wondering what its all about
and send me your MONEY sharpish
NB food stamps are not acceptable

i have nothing to declare

zero, zilch, nowt, nil, niente, nada...

got that?

right now bog off...

i missed the point

i went to a music festival and didnt see any bands
i missed the point
i went out with a girl and spent the whole night talking to the barman about politics
i missed the point
i travelled to a foreign land and spent the whole time with australians
i missed the point
i shaved my head but not my face
i missed the point
i watched foreign language movies dubbed into english
i missed the point
i went to a posh restaurant and filled up on bread
i missed the point
i fell asleep and woke up again soon after
i missed the point
i wanted to see europe so i went to mini europe on philip island
i missed the point
i needed an idea, so i asked beavis for one
i missed the point
i smoked dope but i didnt inhale
i missed the point
i wrote a blog about missing the point but i got it spot on
i missed the point
i sold my soul to the devil but lost the receipt
i missed the point
i invaded russia in the winter but didnt take any socks
i missed the point
i sniffed glue but had a blocked nose
i missed the point
i watched a scary movie but talked throughout the frightening bits
i missed the point
i opened a can of worms but didnt go fishing
i missed the point
i changed my name but forgot the new one
i missed the point
i drank light beer
i missed the point
i listened to the smiths but didnt get depressed
i missed the point
i wanted to know what was happening in the world and bought the herald scum
i missed the point
i sought entertainment and turned on the telly to a commercial tv station
i missed the point
i ran the 400 metres but got bored and stopped at 396 metres
i missed the point
i went to britain to get a tan for my summer holiday
i missed the point
i paid a prostitute for sex then just played chess with her
i missed the point
i was a homophobe who enjoyed watching pedro almodovar films
i missed the point
i bought a whole leg of prosciutto crudo and left it for the ants to eat
i missed the point
i tied her to the railway tracks with licorice strips
i missed the point
i went to the moon on an epic voyage, but stayed in the ship and watched telly
i missed the point
i used big impressive words but i didnt know what they meant
i missed the point
a 4,230,107 metre pair of trousers rucked up
and i still missed the fucking point...

micio mania

WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
8.30 shout a lot out the back
8.35 when a maggot opens the back door, enter the house and shout briefly at the maggot
8.36 purr when receiving pats, take up position on the couch
8.38 fall asleep on the couch
10.32 rudely briefly awoken by some maggot
10.35 fall asleep on the couch
10.36-12.12 sleep on the coach, purr occasionally when patted
12.13 awaken briefly look around
12.14 fall asleep on the couch
13.35 rudely awoken from great fluffy dream
13.39 look around dazed
13.40 smell cooking bacon and leap to kitchen
13.41-13.44 shout sleepily about bacon
13.45 munch down bacon fat
13.46 lap up some water
13.47 sit in the kitchen and shout rather forlornly
13.52 give it up and get back onto couch
13.53 get comfortable but do not fall asleep, instead look around hopefully in case some bacon forthcoming
14.03-14.27 intently watch a maggot eating pasta matriciana with THAT bacon on it
14.28 give up and fall asleep on the couch
15.02 hear some bird action out back door, look up, change direction lain on couch
15.03 fall asleep on the couch (with an ear twitching if case of bird noises outside)
15.20 purr a bit and watch a maggot disappear, dont care very much
15.22 fall asleep on the couch
17.10 awoken again by a maggot, purr perfunctorily
17.11-17.37 sleep on the couch
17.38 get up, stretch very groovily, yawn quite a bit flounce about
17.44 wander around shouting, scratching at boxes, jumping on things and shouting some more
18.15 get put on top of a bookshelf
18.16 look bemused
18.25 purr, try to beat some string
18.35 try to kill a maggot that wants to help me get down
18.42 finally get down only to get around the house upside down
18.56-19.02 try to catch some cloth fish on a rope
19.05 hear noise from front door, rush there only to find a maggot with a plastic head
19.10 disappear with a casual shout out the back
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
20.54 smell something meaty on the bbq and return, shouting animatedly
21.00 shout maniacally and fling dead mouse around in the air
21.06 eat dead mouse
21.14-21.48 run around pile of leaves and sticks jumping and shouting
21.49 catch a mouse and play with it
22.13 get bored and eat mouse
22.15 enter back door looking very satisfied and licking chops
22.16 demand attention, shout and disappear into the night
WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN

Portfolio eye view of the world - O

O
Oman
Oh man! Oman is a country in Asia, i think its on the Arabian Peninsula or perhaps not. Regardless it is very small and undoubtedly backwards and rubbish and islamic. The capital is Muscat, i assume that means it was named after Melbourne Victory captain, former socceroo, former captain of Millwall and general football thug, Kevin Muscat. There is also a grape variety called muscat but something tells me the arabian peninsula isnt its point of origin.
travel advice-I've got no words of wisdom!!!

Portfolio eye view of the world - N Part 2

N
New Zealand
Wella, wella, wella...wellington. There is so much and so little to say about new zealand and much more indeed to say about its inhabitants. Starting from the start, new zealand looks nothing like old zealand.. did you even know there was an old one?! It is a couple of islands floating vaguely off the eastish coast of osstraya. From all reports the scenery is spectacular, lord of the rings etc etc. Big arse mountains, fjords, umm the other things that people like to look at. People i love and respect and beavis say its really lovely, I went there when i was about 5 mins old and dont remember much and once again for 16 hours in transit and dont remember much either, except getting really drunk with some guy from jersey. Most new zealanders i have met have been quite chilled people, BUT there is a substantial portion of them that have big old chips on their shoulders about osstrayans and are excruciating about it. They can fuck right off, twats.
travel advice-if you are osstrayan, pretend to be from err madagascar, thatll throw them

Nicaragua
Vaguely famous from the eighties when there was all that political trub going down in central america. NOT FUCKING KANSAS! Sandanistas or something with godblessamerica making the usual uninvited big mess. It is only little and they do speak ththhththththt, so beware! but im thinking itd be cool to visit, so i ruddy well will then.
travel advice-look up the ththhththth in your spanish english dictionary and try to stay fashionable.

Niger
Niger let me down a few years back. For many, many moons I larfed and larfed and the larfed some more because i thought it was pronounced NIGer, oh what a grand let down that was. But the Nigerese (?) people cant be held responsible for that, as much i would like them to be. Their country is suspiciously close to Nigeria, which makes me think some shit was going down at some point or somebody had a mental block in the naming department. But Niger was a french colony in western africa as opposed to nigeria (british), so who bloody knows. it's landlocked and not far from the sahara, which sounds like a big recipe for trub soup to me.
travel advice-not everybody will be called nigel when you get there, sorry about that.

Nigeria
Is not niger with a couple of vowels banged on the end by some excitable italian. It is its own country and the most powerful country in africa, with a large population, a big army and loads of oil. It is also hopelessly corrupt, with gazillions of euros being sucked up by a dodgy and corrupt government and cronies and large parts of the population being terribly poor. To add insult to injury, the top part of the country is run by muslim lunatics who think that stoning people to death is a great idea and women deserve the same rights as a cupboard doorknob. Bad news!
Catherine told me about nigeria and i remain scared ten years later.
travel advice-ask catherine to talk some sense into you, what were you thinking butthole?

Norway
I dig norway, but i dont dig graves. A gorgeous country full of gorgeous people lots of fish! Famous for its fjords and stunning nature, norway is fab. I wanted to move there until some bloke talked sense into me in bergen and said that it sucks large ones in winter. But in summer! Dio tuo! Only in the last wotsit or so it booted out the danes and then the swedes only for those nasty nazis to show up and be right stronzi. Norway is renowned for their fab social security and tolerance. Norway was founded by a bloke called Munch! What more could you want!
travel advice-make it your only holiday for the next 20 years, its damn expensive!

i'm making your favourite tonight...

oh you beauty...

Portfolio eye view of the world- N Part 1

N
Namibia
It used to be known as german west africa until the second world war, and then it became namibia. what the fuck were the germans doing there in the first place? empire my sweaty yellow culo! they couldnt even get it right in that indiana jones film, they all got melted or something. anyway, Windhoek is the capital and apparently there are some extremely kick arse sand dunes inland and there is a coast called the skeleton coast or the boner coast or something.
travel advice-try to count all the grains of sand, thatll sort you out.

Nauru
Isnt Nauru that island made entirely of guano, ie bird shit? tee bloody hee. A whole island made of bird crap. I understand they mined their island as goano is worth loads of wonga, but they had to stop coz they were running out of island to live on! Its all very funny except they are probably going to sink under the rising oceans and it got used as an enormous refugee dumping ground by the previous fucking cunt australian government and their pacific final solution. Oh and its in the pacific, probably south eastern bit
travel advice-an island of crap, haw haw!

Nepal
Settle down you stalinist freaks, its Nepal that just got rid of its monarchy, super for nepal! If only australia were that brave. Beavis went to nepal once and flounced around with his stupid hair and saw some big mountains and grew a comedy beard. Its home of half the highest mountain on the planet, the top half, which has the traditional nepali name of mt everest. its squeezed between india and tibet (A real country). The capital is Lhasa which is not the name of a yoghurt milkshake and probably not everybody is called sherpa if you ask around.
travel advice-pay sixty grand, get half way up mt everest and then fall off and die.

The Netherlands
So it isnt called Holland any more? Is it still okay to call the locals dutch, or will they beat you up for calling them a name that sounds uncomfortably like that of their big, bad bullyboy neighbours? The capital is Hamsterdam where everybody goes and gets stoned, except me. For such a tiny country they sure have kicked a lot of arse of the centuries (and worn a lot of orange). they had an extensive colonial deal including south africa, indonesia, surinam and other bits. They came up with loads of artists, musicians and beer and then they killed anne frank. You can find a lot more than clogs, windmills, dope and sex there too, you just have to look around. I accidentally found naked people in a park! Home to Denis Bergkamp-legend car!
travel advice-the dutch are way cool people, just hang out and have a chat.

A due pezzenti

Mi fate schifo, ho sempre voluto dirvilo da quasi dieci anni ormai. La vostra poverta di imaginazione e di intelletualita vi rende persone idegne di communicare con le gente civilizata. Voi due appartenete ad un mondo che non esiste piu. I vostri cosidetto morali sono moribunde e patetici. Avete fatto niente altro che allontanare la vostra unica figlia, la vostra unica ragione di essere. Che tristezza, mi fareste pena e se non mi foste stati cosi maleducati avrei la pieta per voi. Ma no, da scelta vostra avete effetivamente perso qualsiasi speranza di tenere vicina e sotto vostro controllo. Hai reso impossible che vi respetta piu. Quindi per il vostro stesso comportamente avete rovinato l'unica cosa che vi importa. Ogni volta avete provate di reprendere controllo con un altro gioco ineffetuale, l'avete spinta sempre piu lontano. Siete patetici.
A parte tutta questa, la vostra comportamente nel mio confronto e' stata veramente tremendo. Dall'inizio non avete provato ad capirmi, Anche se non avevate mai avuto la possibilita di comprendermi. Siete due persone incapaci di rendersi conto di dove vengo, come ragiono e le mie orrizonti intelletuali. Siete pezzenti e' basta. Senza avere mai viaggiati fuori del vostro paese come vi avevate permetteti di aggiudicarmi, di decidere che non ero degno della vostra figlia? Non avete nessun'idea di quanto ho voluto sputtarvi in faccia le vostre stupidaggine e maleducazioni. Solamente per il rispetto dei desideri sui che non vi ho rinfacciato le vostre stupidita ed ignoranza. Avrei potuto smembrarvi verbalmente, dipingere un ritratto di quanto siete primitivi, lo vostra cristianita e' una credenza dei deficenti. Siete creduloni e insignificanti creaturi che non valete che vi sputo in faccia.
La cosa piu bella per me sara' la vostra tristezza nella vecchiaia che vi aspetta la vostra figlia sara sempre remota e non si fidera mai piu di voi. Ogni giorno che vi passa risultera un giorno perso in cui non avete fatto niente di valore e' la vostra unica speranza di felicita sara sempre piu lontana, e questo, cari sciocci rimane sempre colpa vostra
Andate e fanculo

somebody was giving me grief the other day...

So I sorted them well out
I gave them a bit of stick!
boom FUCKING boom!

who is that cattish chap with his smalls on the outside?

faster than a speeding topo
more powerful than a CERN atom smasher
able to leap up onto the roof from the divding brick wall in a single bound
Look! Look! Just fucking look dammit! out the back shouting loudly wanting to come in
its a dead bird, its a barbecue on an angle, its Micio Man!

Yes, its Micioman- strange visitor from another back yard who came to Leon Springs with powers and a fluffy ickle tummy far beyond those of mortal men. MicioMan- who can change the course of fly buzzing around the telly, scratch that box near the other copmuter with his bare claws, and who, disguised as Cookie, mild manner furball for one of those houses over the back of the alley, fights the never ending battle for salmon, bacon fat and having his nose rubbed in the the most delightful way...

genius, pure genius...

if only i had known about this magnificent place a year ago... sigh

Portfolio eye view of the world- M Part 3

Moldova
Im not too sure about Moldova, in fact for ages i thought it was either a made up country in the tintin books by herge or invented by the working dog people. But it turns out to be real and really quite small. Somewhere near the black sea (or not) and formerly part of the USSR blah blah. The capital is not called bastardville east.
travel advice-a passport rammed up your arse is as good as no passport at all

Monaco
A country? I could have sworn it was just a principality. Anyway its more a farce. A couple of hundred years back it was part of the territory of Genova-La Supeba. And until somebody built a casino there it was a nothing at all, much less glamorous than San Remo over the Italian border. But they did and there was the whole James Bond thing and it hasnt looked back. A big tax haven and run by the Grimaldi family (also genovese) and got more famous when there was a F1 grand prix hosted there and some famous movie bint married into the royal 'ahem' family.
travel advice-keep off the grass, no really, there are signs everywhere telling you to.

Mongolia
Genghis, Kubla and Trevor Khan were all leaders of this north eastern asian former power house. From the plateaus and their tents 'Yurts' they kicked chinese arse so much that the chinese built big lego walls that didnt really do the trick and were forced to shout out 'god damn shitty mongorians!' in exasperation. They also kicked arse all across asia right into central europe, Austria if you dont mind and scared the crap out of everybody on the way with their head chopping carrying on and general brutality. They also built a big kick arse city which was unheard of for a nomadic peoples. The capital is ulaan bator and i suspect 'inner mongolia' was stolen by the chinese because they just looove doing that.
travel advice-dont wander around shouting out goddam shitty mongolians, just a hunch.

Montenegro
Black mountain is it? Something like that if you take its name quasi literally in latin form, but as this is a portfolio eye view of the world not a latin one, bugger off. Its in the balkans, you know the deal, yugslavia, war, for some reason they stuck togther with Serbia after all the carnage but bailed afterwards. The smallest of the ex yugslav countries, with only 600,000 inhabitants, they still have a pretty handy football team.
travel advice-if you cut off your legs, they will not grow back, you are NOT a snail.

Morocco
I have met a lot of moroccans and almost exclusively they have been complete buttheads. But people i know and respect have been there several times and rabbit on about how fab it is. Mahgreb maschmeb. Its the westernmost country of northern africa, just across the med from gibraltar and french speaking. But chock full of nutty muslims which undermine moroccos attempts to be open to the world. Lots and lots of moroccans migrated illegaly to mediterannean europe, spain is full of them, as is france and italy and they are not particularly loved. This is partially to do with racism but more to do with the fact that the imigrants seem to hold zero respect for the host countries, which is WELL fucked up! AND they keep trying to claim Western Sahara even though its patently not theirs.
travel advice-i hear the atlas mountains are pretty fab, but i hear a lot of stuff.

Mozambique
I'm thinking that mozambique would be a fab place to visit, It certainly wouldnt have been until recently coz of all the civil wars and general chaos that follow on from being a portuguese colony. Facing Madagascar on the eastern coast of africa I just bet they have some fab bleaches and wotnot. I cannot expand because I am just so relieved these mofo M's are over...
travel advice-say jzjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjzzzzzzzzzzzzz a lot and see if you are understood or just locked up.

Portfolio eye view of the world - M Part 2

M Part 2
Malta
Its the home of all things hairy. Camel for one and my Maltese-in-law Steve. A little island in between sicily and africa, which is a very strategic location and great, except that everybody else including hitler every other bungsnap who wants to control the mediteranean thinks so too. There are really, really old ruins there, like a whole village of stonehenges and it was also home to the templar nights who had secret handshakes and kept jesus's butt crack on ice.
travel advice-do go around ragging on rocks, they like them there.

Marshall Islands
Not to be confused with the malcolm marshall islands or marshall mathews the 19th islands, or the mr marshallsea islands for that matter. Now all that is cleared up I cant tell you a fecking thing about the marshall islands as i dont know a fecking thing. I know they are islands and they are in the in the pacific and they probably got invaded by godbless america during world war 2 because they know better.
travel advice-take your arm floaties with you and fill them with sausage meat, so the sharks can smell you from a distance

Mauritania
Central north western sub saharan africa, its probably hot and sandy, i think they speak french and they probably have very little money. Err, that'll be that then. I expect loads of hate mail from my many mauritanian readers, so instead of carrying on about my ignorance why not send me a history of mauritania to make my life easier you bastards!?! I dont see you guys writing blogs about australia now, do i?!
travel advice-take a map, a compass and a camel and an OWWWLLLL

Mauritius
Its french, no it isnt, its british, no it isnt... its mauritius! In the indian ocean and just off the coast of madagascar. Lots of people go there for beach holidays and to eat fab seafood, which sounds like a damn good idea to me. Somebody i forgot went there for their honeymoon, it may have been emiliana and her bloke, and he didnt eat seafood, what a buttock! I do know they have an airline which offers good deals and i dig the loacation, so 13 earwigs on the wall rating.
travel advice- eat the bloody seafood for fucks sake!

Mexico
Yay for mexico! Its in north america although lots of ignorant buttocks think its in south america because they speak a 'funny' language. Its a big long country, the fact which i learned after planning to drive from top to bottom then seeing a proper map, you muppet! They do speak ththththh, but thats not their fault. Lots of people are trying to break into godblessamerica from mexico, which is an understandable pity, but mexico is a much, much cooler country, they just dont have any money! Beavis and I invaded mexico in alfonse and drove around like muppets not being able to ththth at anybody. Still we did get high and watch the big lebowski and see the barranca del cobre, the copper canyons. Apart from this there is all that fab aztec and mayan stuff which is simply blinding.
travel advice-blame the bloody spanish for killing off the locals, they were right bastards as they were everywhere else they went.

Micronesia
No, its not Polynesia or Melanesia or Nadonesia so at least we have established that. It's name suggests that as far as nesias go, its probably a bit on the small side. Like its fellow nesias, its in the pacific and consists of islands.
travel advice-ask them how to get to macronesia.. im sure thatd be a fab joke (unless there really is one and they are sworn enemies of micronesia, in which case they might kick your arse with an iron boot)

that's because you're inchoherent most of the time

gnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk
gnrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffffffff
gswwwwwwwwwwwwink
parrrrrrrrp
gummmmmmmmmmmmmmmpf
sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeta
diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrku
wnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
kssssssssssssssssssssssfffffriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyomppppppppppppppffffffffffffff
grrrrrrrrrrrrrgrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggg
my other car is a milk float with a flame thrower strapped on the front
so vvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafuncholoooooooooooooooooooooooo

Portfolio eye view of the world-M Part 1

M (Part 1)

Macedonia
The land of Tanya. If she is a fair representative sample, well Macedonia is full of very intelligent and batty people. Until explodey fun times of the 1990's it was a part of Yugoslavia and then blah blah blah. Of course the greeks dont like them calling their country that name, so they had to be called the artist formerly known as the former yugoslav republic of macedonia. The greeks claim they own the name and have a region called that too. why the cheeky slavs wanted a macedonia of their own ive no idea. I hope this situation has been resolved coz it caused tanya loads of problems with visas and wotnot. Skopje is the capital in case you were curious.
Travel advice-dont go looking for tanya there, shes in brazil or something

Madagascar
The setting for that famous book about the european that got washed up there and kept as an oddity by the local kings some centuries back. The book was a huge hit in europe but sadly turned out to be a hoax. Madagascar is a fab big island of the african coast in the indian ocean and i suspect home to some pretty funky wildlife. Definitely where recently the oldest fish ever was spotted, and it looked like bob hawke with a hangover.
Travel advice-swing a cat, i am sure theres enough room there for it.

Malawi
Malawi is great! There's a big malawi fan right here. It is one of the poorest countries in the world but with lovely shiny funky people. Malawi is bordered on one side by Lake Malawi (great name that), which is one of the biggest freshwater bodies on the erf. I learned to scuba dive there and couldnt see a bloody thing but got munched on the finger by an otter! The lake has spectacular beaches and there are kids that sell cobs of marywarner for bargain prices!
Yay for malawi!
Travel advice-go there, now. stop fucking about and go to the airport and get a ticket to lilongwe, now!

Malaysia
Yes it is isnt it? South east asia to a SEA. The end of the peninsula, (the malay pensinsula?) and the top slice of borneo and probably some islands make up malaysia. It is a muslim state (ho fucking hum) but at least it is vaguely democratic, not if you are mr anwar the former deputy pm. He got charged with bottomtouchytouchy which doesnt go down well in such places, but it was all a scam to keep him out of power. I have spent many quality hours in Kuala Lumpur airport so I am officially an expert on the country. I also hung out briefly in kota kinabalu airport and it looked bloody lovely outside, beaches and palms etc.
Travel advice - it would be a fab place for a beach holiday, but just dont get too homosexual or you might get in trub.

Maldives
All eleventy of them. A group of island not that far away from sri lanka or india in the indian ocean. Catherine lived there working as a wolverine dental assistant for quite a few moons and her photos and other evidence show it to be absofuckinglutely lush. All that postcard beach stuff. The only problem i can see is that its not easy or cheap to get to. To get to catherines island, you had to fly to north buttstan, catch a midnight goat express to Male and then swim backstroke with your nostril hairs across shark infested seas to get there. Probably worth the effort mind.
Travel advice- go there, lie down and suck it up.

Mali
Its big and its sandy and its a fair chunk of subsaharn west africa. It is home to the fabulously fabtastic city, Timbuktu. This city was pretty much the centre of the muslim worlds knowledge, at such a time when it had any. At this time it was ahead of europe before europe became enlightened and managed to largely throw off the shackles of christianity and the muslim world stagnated in the pitiful thing that is islam. These days timbuktu is small and mostly a big sand pit but 500 years ago it was fabled in both civilaztions until somehow it ended up being known as a good name for somewhere that probably didnt exist.
travel advice-byo ancient scrolls, you would think that as they are lying around under the sand they would be a bargain, but no!

help... again.. simon's forcing me to write a blog... again

it must be that time of year again - where simon's forcing me to write a blog. but how do you compete with philosophical masterpieces like "keith puts it in deep" ??? It seems to be at the forefront of Simon's mind at the moment, so if anyone has an answer could you please write in. Or better yet, if Kieth himself could shed some light on the matter Simon's moble number is 666.

that'll do me for now.....

keith puts it in deep...

he does you know
i have seen the written proof
it was documented on the underside of the top bunk
in a youth hostel
in interlaken switerland
I imagine that now a lot of people know about keith
and how he puts it in
(deep)
I mean
that was a very busy hostel
and it was a sturdy bunk bed arrangement
at least 2 people could sleep under it
on the bottom bunk
even perhaps 3
well at a pinch
it does beg the question
who inscribed this philosphical masterpiece ?
was it keith?
was it somebody in whoms camper he put it in deep?
was it an innocent bystander to this putting in?
was it somebody who met somebodys brother saw keith doing so in a movie?
the possibilities are endless
or is that mindless
and what was it that he put?
and what did he put it deep in?
the whole thing can make one feel pretty insignificant really
how to find more about this holy grail of literature and knowedge?
i bore witness to this great written fact in 1995
who knows how many had slept there before me?
or if that bed is still in use
at least a couple of thousand
i would imagine...
and most of them whilst lying on their backs
would have noted this grand pronouncement
and all these people
from all over the world
it was a youth hostel for farks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
have learned this great wisdom
and then returned to their countries
most probably via a dozen or so other countries
and spread the good word
about keith
and how he put it in...



my addition to this great wall of genius
was a mere
'there no such thing as remindlessness...'
which i hoped added something small to this revolutionary thinkers pre-dater of the internet
even if that something was completely stolen...

all power to you keith...

abandonment issues, the album

marty willson-king jr said
i had a riff...
i was in africa
where it began
in africcccacccaaa
but at some point it seemed a bit south america
as part of a small group tour
but hopefully without jimmy barnestorming
in a small town bang in the middle of nowhere
i was sleeping in a room
wake up all and the group had gone
lock, stock and snatch
bags and all
where to ?
i wondered, not yet perturbed
beavis had joined us for a couple of weeks
but he was nowhere to be seen either
he had disappeared the day before
but i only knew is now
go out to shop office
in rising panic i head to the office
nobody had left any information for me
theres a car out the front, red and small
no bags in it
but there kind of should be some
back inside the shop
talking bad spanish to the shopkeeper/hotel lady
one of the girls comes in
with dyed blonde hair
i ask her what has gone on?
she mumbles some platitudes
didnt like me hanging out withe beavis
snoring
some oher stuff
then scarpers, slowly but still too quick for me
i follow as best i can
around the back she boards a luxury yacht
with all the other guys
and they set sail
leaving me standing breathless
dismayed and sbigotitto
some wave goodbye
some looking regretful
there are others in the boat
they look on at me with indifference
i have no idea if they will come back
its a big, big lake
it could be the mouth of a river
back inside i am desperately asking chick for info
she is vague, doesnt know anything
or doesnt want to know anything
my bad spanish and panic make it impossible to decifer
i am completely lost
no maps, guide books or friends
i wanted to go the high mountains of tanzania
NOT THE UKRAINAN ONES!!!
BLOODY CROSSED WIRES!~!!
i truly dont know what to do
the lady disappears off to shower
i wander around the office looking at maps atlases
all of australia, bridges and outback!
maybe vietnam
australia on world map keep crashing into other countires
so utterly confused and alone
what did i do?

Portfolio eye view of the world - L

L

Laos
Its not that big, and its not that little. Its kind of landlocked in indochinelandia. (thus known because the frenchypeople were its colonial, ahem, 'masters' Being next door to vietnam meant that it got in all kinds of trub with the godblessamericans during the vietnam war. Most likely they speak loatian or laozzzzz, which i suspect might be tricky to learn for somebody who speaks only firstworldish. I fancy it would be a fun place to visit, but i dont know if they think i would be a fun person to have in the kitchen with my smelly feet. Can anybody tell me if the 's' is pronounced or not?!
travel advice-the last treefungus to thailand leaves on thursdays at 48 oclock sharp

Latvia
Latvia is over there, on the baltic (or at least very near it). Having been next door to russia meant the usual grief of being thumped and oppressed by the big bad neighbour. The capital is Riga and apparently its one of the next new fashionable location for the silly english looking for a place to get drunk and show their fat bellies to horrified locals. It might have been where it went horrible wrong for napoleons attempt to take on russia in the winter, where gazillions were left to die of starvation in the snow whilst he ponced off to paris to snort croissants off his waiters' behinds.
travel advice-check out a reputable source, coz i cant do nothing for you man...

Lebanon
Perilously located north of 'israel', and suffering from the meddling hands of syria, lebanon is a cracking example of how dodgy it is to be in the middle east. During the 80's this nation and its capital, Beirut became a symbol of religious tensions, terrorism and sheer horrific violence for the whole area. A constant war between shia muslims, sunni muslims, christians, droogs and horse lovers destroyed the place and the lives of its citizens. Isnt religion just FAB! Lebanon was the land of the Phoenecians, who kicked trading arse all over the mediteranean and left beirut with fanastic cultural melting pot, until it all went horribly wrong. In recent times the israelis blew it to shit completely unecessarily and the syrians blew up a prime minister.
travel advice-fingers crossed things have picked up a bit lately.

Lesotho
Is it real or is it an invention of apartheid south africa? Boh. It is only a little landlocked state within the borders of south africa, with extreme poverty and a ruler who has 1015 wives. Maybe he needs a nice hot chocolate and a little lie down and to think about his subjects instead of snogging all the time.
travel advice-what would you miss if you didnt go there?

Liberia
Beavis partially enlightened me about this, see how dangerous he is when he reads a book!?! Only a small country on the coast of west africa. It gots its name as it was pretty much invented to be a homeland for free slaves in the americas. Liberia-Liberty, geddit? Anyway, they showed up and decided they were now the hard men about town and that they should run the place, treating the original inhabitants like shite. Sigh, really big fucking sigh.
travel advice-sit up straight on the back of the bus

Libya
Libya, Fibia thats what i say. It's on the north coast of africa between Tunisia and Egypt and the location of some of the most spectacular roman ruins anywhere, ever, that goes by the name of fucked-if-i-know. (but i would like to check it out). Libya is famous for its tent shagging leader mohammedingdong gadaffi, who happily allowed the PLO to get its shit together and sponsored all kinds of terrorist acts including most famously the pan am 747 blown out of the sky over lockerbie, scotland. Mysteriously in recent times he became a top bloke and a big old mate of the western world because he promised not nuke anybody, yeah really.
travel advice-go look at aforementioned ruins and then make a big fuckoff sandcastle

Liechtenstein
Come on now, get serious. Its just being silly here. A nation? more like a toenail. Its sandwiched between switzerland and austria and its tiny, really bloody tiny. The capital is vadusz and they have a football team that plays in switzerland. It has a population of 3 and a cat and lots of money from banking its brains out.
travel advice-on the train from switzerland to austria dont blink or you will miss your stop and the whole country.

Lithuania
Without wishing to be glib, i think one could pretty much cut and paste the information for Latvia here. That would be no doubt ignoring literally thousands of years of history of which i know aboslutely nothing. In keeping with my stated intention i shall do no research, so gnar gnar to you. So, baltic, ex soviet victim and probably rather chilly willy in wintertime. apologies to all my myriad of lithuanian readers.
travel advice-wrap your hamster up in newspaper and call him trevor

Luxembourg
Speaking of silly little countries, here comes luxembourg all dressed in invasion. The smallest part of benelux (if indeed such a thing actually exists), it is situated between france and germany, which when you think about it, hasnt been the happiest locale in the 20th century. The capital is the ingeniously name 'luxembourg' and its really, really, rather pretty. With castles and valleys and pretty green things all around. Much better than a smash in the cheekbone magazine, so good for them.
travel advice-live it up baby! smile at a luxembourger on the street, they might just smile back at you.