waitrose and why its grate

i love waitrose
it is great
they have so much good stuff
sure
its a little pricey
but man o man o man
they have all that great stuff
you simply cannot just enter into waitrose for a packet of crisps
and expect to exit intact
you will purchase 15 extra great things
you will not be able to help yourself
oh yes,
you shall think
i really did need that goats-duck pate
beluga caviar?
how on earth was i going to survive without that!!!?
a mixed platter of prosciutto crudo, salami, bresaola ecc ecc
i surely would have caught a disease without that
olives recently removed from a virgin sloths bunghole....
what on earth was i not thinking?!
alpaca cheese, made only from alpacas between the ages of 3 and 3.2 years
that live above the snowline on mt licancabur
foie gras
piffle and poppycock
foie mega grasso
geese force fed foie gras
from geese force fed goie gras
wine from phoenecian amphoras
sat 2,000 years on the mediterranean floor
a roasted peacock or maybe a cheeky second
basted with yeti blood
the last dodo
frozen in the last great age of ice
with pterydactl ribs

and thats just in the first aisle...
all hail the great Waitrose

its already domani mattina

and nobodys sober

i just cant get you out of my swede

thats it carmen
you got stuck in there
my swede is action packed
you keep bouncing about
fighting off gothenburg airport
all woody and such
he doesnt mind, mind
did i mention he was a little green guy
from interspace ?
why would I ?
anyway
big thanks carmen
as for once i can hear an italian songster
not making me wanna evacuate stomach
abusing the hybrid tongue
while I'm at it...
wotcha doin thursday?
there's a cracking gig on in town
with free somethings or others
i reckon you would dig it
youre a lady
a beatiful italian one at that
and you rock
well you jah wobble anyway
and im a beaver of the limer variety
sound good?
thanks for filling my swede
and kicking that daft singing budgie away
she really can fuck off

and a fresher perspective

Well ass wipes!

No I never heard of a limebeaver, however I shall try to inform those of you who are interested in what this is...

A limebeaver could be a vagina with green pubes... or an American football star with a green guernsey on his back. Or perhaps a new cocktail with hairy ice...No even I am not sure what the fuck that is! Hairy ice....Hmmm, yummy...

Nevertheless, as I am writing this blog with the barrel of a gun to my head, I am scared that without thoughts being typed, me brains will be blown out.

Please Sir, don't kill me! I promise to eat all my greens, I promise I won't tell anyone that I saw your face! Pleeeeaase don't shoo.....

BOOM.

Goodnight bitch.

un lamento per Romano

ohh caro Romano
its just not right
i am sure you had the soundest of intentions
i am sure you actually tried to set some things right
it must have been near to impossible
for a state that is in almost permanent crisis
not to mention the mother of all fuck ups that your predecessor made
fuck ups borne out of egotism, corruption, vanity and arrogance
not to mention blind stupidy and incompetence
where did one hope to begin Romano?
with all the warring factions
each one wanting their own most powerful seat at the table
the ex communists, the christian democrats, the ulive, the every man and his dog party
none with a sense of humour
each desperately grasping for a little bit more
perhaps it was destined to fail
but nobody else could have carried them as far as you did
oh Romano
you held their hands
shut their mouths
and funnelled them through
you managed to win an election against all odds
in the most undemocratic nation in the advanced world
facing almost blanket negative media coverage
poisoned by the most poisonous man in your nation
deceving, lying, slandering, fudging all in the name of a criminal
as president you managed to give dignity to a nation infamously without dignity
whilst the prime minister made a mockery of your people
brought its standing to a new low
and that really took something
he made a fool of himself
in front of the world
and by doing so belittled your nation
but your quiet dignity maintained some grace in this shocking state
then you took on the impossible
and for a while you pulled it off
please dont go
dont leave is with d'alema and rutelli et al
what hope have they where you failed?
you must return until media legislation is toughened
the cafone will always squirm away
from the courts
from justice
from freedom of the press
from any responsibility
but with tougher media laws at least some semblance of democracy could be claimed
and future elections could be fairer
and that horrid little criminal viper could yet be help accountable
please dont go
ti ringrazio per i tuoi sforzi e, che non siano invano

dont you fall

you might not get up again...

the clap trap

oh great
and its off again
the clap trap
not the von trapp clap
thats a completely different load of bollocks
its the clap trap
some days its a one-off
just a few claps
to a goddam horrible smurf song
or to perhaps rev up the horrid little rat doggie
wagaggaaaaa waggaaggaaaa
scklonk scklonk
fund dat
and then its off with an effeminate whnannanaan
oh great
other days it lasts tens of minutes
and it happens repeatedly all day
burts of the clap
in time
and then out of time
he's have the time of his life
i'll have what hes having
clap clap clap
rat rat rat
whnananan whananananna
accompany me with shite
kylie somebody, madonna somehow
clever trevor and the skirst
tina fucking turnoff, fleetfood smak
all the usual shower of shite
why is there no booming of the box?
could it not be recorded and minxed?
then punters from all around would not need to sit by their windows
they could have it on tap
tapped into their dreams
and into their cordal spines
i for one
would mix it into a song by the church
who knows what it could do on jazzy reptile?
with a decent tune it could top the pops
what have i
what have i
what have i done to deserve this...

bizarre luff triangle

strange days indeed ol wonky nose
there has come to light a tale of sickening clarity
the densities of many painters are in limbage
firstly a man that has been known in public circles for many a year
he shall be referred to as 'camel'
and this is his sordid story
he will fall madly in luff with another painter
that shall be known as 'travis'
(names have been changed to protect the maggoty)
now, this 'camel' will become enamoured with this 'travis'
and they will between them
produce a lovechild
of hideous aspect
diminutive in stature
stupid in hair
over enthusiastic in genital waving
and shouty by nature
a monster of the likes hasnt been seen on this planet
making the elephant man look more like pornstar man
this unholy unison shall produce a son
a true spawn of the devils
this annointed child shall be named 'travel'
and its evil shall be felt the world over
then, in a twist of the most insipid kind
their love shall shrivel like a shrinkage affected thing
and 'camel' shall flee the love nest with his youngling, 'travel'
they shall run night and day to avoid the wrath of 'travis'
and they shall find succour in the arms of a beast most hideous
more deformed than 'travel' even
this new union of evil will be formed with a spotted wilderbeest of the undead
that we shall refer to as 'gavun ferrier'
so 'camel' and 'gavun ferrier' passed some torrid nights together
before disgracing off into a cave or something
and soon a new and even more gruesome being was brought into this unsuspecting world
under a rock a seed flourished
uglier than thou, sow or any old how
it was labelled 'gavel'
half brother to the bastard 'travel'
round and spotted like the moon
desperately smelly
more a receptacle than a human
but the flight was not over
in a desperate ploy to throw the monstrous 'travis' off
'camel' packed his disgusting entourage
and took to the hills once again
taking with him 'travel travel' and 'travel gavel'
the pursuit was relentless
the only remaining hope would be to change their names
so it was
that 'Travagenas' and 'Gavagenas' came to terrify an innocent populace

Blokes I'd like you shag.....

there you go

its only a small leap to the place
the lightweights will claim otherwise
the big bad roundabout spelt it all out
sit right down and wait for it all to span out
you could be in the ground floor
lets all just sit down and hear of the opportunities
but its raining outside
not that this makes a small difference
blah did this
blah did that
blah sold his mothers goat to the highest bidder
you know what they say about therrrrrrrrrrrrr
how much disgust can one swallow?
the trees disguise a lot
but not the wail of the ambulances
oi were here when that happened
as if that makes a big bad difference
dont want to make a bad impression
manpower was just an agency
dance for me?
i will use you
you can have a bite of me
its all in the name of professionalismo
susan
oh susan
all your good deeds ran that away
dim smuggy
a4 tells it all
you could be here
or very very there
lets break for a breath of fresh air
whatever happens next
luckily its a small planet
may as well be that man in the kingsway
spruiking the bad smell
so the rain fell
smiles rained down
conquests imaged and small spaces left alone
somebody drew a blank
sure it were a good thang
but the stench didnt change
one can change their latin socks
sit back and dont enjoy the ride

N.C.Y.S.T East Ringwood

A big, deep and breathy voice, some crappo graphics, a gang of stereotyped team members and as many shit moustaches as you like won't help solve these mysteries...
Who did draw that big nose of Willy Koder on the fort?
What was so fun about shouting from on top of the chemists?
What do the juvenile deliquents do in Wombolano Park?
Where would Nigel have gotten his napalm?
Was the booze nicked from outside the Eastwood hall noticed?
What the fuck was the deal with those Frickie sisters?
Why did Simon Jones walk like that?
Did Beavis Junior really snog the entire high school?
Exactly how much of a twat was A Twist?
Did Nugget really speak back?
How long is one and 3/4 hours in East Ringwood?
Did Rosie Peppers really eat the same snack for a week?
Did a cyclone strike Bondi St one night in the 1990's?
How did the oval feel about being stabbed?
Was it tougher to walk on the streets?
Was the champagne better after the bubbles were removed?
How did that girl become so symetrically ugly with her shoes?
At what point in time was Nige scariest?
What really made Beavis' hair do that?
Had anybody ever been scared of a Dungfelder?

did you hear the one about the rat with 14 heads and no anus?

a lady
not just any lady
decides its time to make her mark
with a classy selection of tunes
she toils over a hot keyboard
laughing all the while
while what?
while she scanned and selected
there was plenty of oh my god
plenty of where is that
plenty of alkiholikal beverages
like a baby goat in a shop of sweet things
one of these
ooo ooo a couple of these
whats going on here?
one of those
three of these
DISTRACTION
one of these
oooh i like that one
a couple of those wouldnt go astray
lets bung in a loose one of those
a sprinkle of that should spice things up
DISTRACTION
how much portfolio have i got left?
one of these wouldnt go astray
and a cheeky two over there
you
yes you,
that track skulking in the corner
get in there!
a few more of that
now, lets give it a trial run
...
ahhh superb!
tis enuff to make you wanna shake your holy arse
now the finishing off of
a generous helping of all of those
and one
just one of that
DISTRACTION
okey dokey matey blokey
lets give it a crack
thatll show that big haired freak guy who he is
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nowt
off into the spheres
never, never to come back
....
approximately 0.00 seconds of groovin
nowhere to be seen or heard
ever, ever again
...

il ratto, it lived only 4 seconds...

knowing E, knowing Ewe

ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
side part
snappy blazer
with blazer badge
alongside the tie forming part of,
the stylish tie and blazer badge combination set...
Sports Casual!

l'homme du sport;
ice white shoes
ice white socks with navy blue double cadet stripe
a pair of shorts
t- shirt with chevron action flash
tossed pink sweater

cruiser arriviste;
canary yellow shirt
sports casual
horizon blue stay creased action slacks
cap
polariods
tan string back driving gloves

imperial leisure;
green blazer
cravatte
hat
summer spectacles
for a touch of class an Alan Partridge blazer badge

strolling pastel;
classic summer suit with the ommission of long trousers

hooray for malta day

for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake

for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake is a man
he lived on a hill
well, not really
he did live
but not on a hill
he loved fishing
he was forever hopping on his bike
well, not his bike
it was the bike of his ex boss
then it was the death ship
otherwise known as the masturbike
finally, he went off to the second hand shop
and found one
that WAS NOT a girls bike
he always was on the look out for a little pump
he sits on the piiiiiiiiiiiiiya
apparently catching things
or not really, depending on your point of view
he would puff on his chuff
and whittle away at his english book
he lives with a lady of the most spectacular smile
and a very big voice when roused
they put on quite the show
glad it wasnae me in the hot pot shot
he had a job as a painnnnnnnnnnta
but got shot of that to be a pizzaiolo
with too much time with nowt to do
but watch films, films and piu films!
it then become the hour of the pizzaiolo
but alas!
the scumbags changed the rules
changed the job
changed the location
changed the hours
bastardi!
the crazy neighbour did hate him with a passion
she did bang on the wall
and carry on and lament
for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake didnae care too much
he sent her to go and do in a culo
until one day
she came to tantrum on his door
and he cried
for fucksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!

little fluffy clouds

it's a larf, innit?
that noise you make at the back of your throat when you hear something funny
it's a rush innit?
when somebody says something that burns your brain
just sitting about
tanto per cambiare
get an email
that'll put a smile on your face
sometimes there are thrills aplenty
it can take so little
to turn shitsville
into smileylandia
welcomed into somebodies confidence
a frank admission of personal doubt
a gift of the open heart
a sharing of dolcezza
made my damn day
handed out a dollop of happiness
the most generous of gifts
a friend that you can't really know
a stranger that you are very familiar with
static moments
pinched from time
11.32 pm saturday 12 2005
boris, arcutage and diana marina
it had a been a crazy night
some geezer in a dress
waving his arms about like a muppet
wonder what he was thinking...
probably something brush-like
the air may have smelled a little
ingested what?

crimes of a hottie

chapps, chapps....... woooooooooooooooahhhhhhhhh chapps!
loitering with stupid hair
loitering with intent to have stupid hair
loitering with the same stupid hair as pete
loitering in St Kilda with stupid hair
showing off of navel
not loitering in fitzroy st with navel on display
naval gazing
having more veins than most people
causing a public disturbance in the gay bar of the POW
causing a public distrubance in the gay bar of the POW with stupid hair on
not performing enough backflips
attempting to seduce rafts of young arab males
public display of naval in the presence of females
causing thronging and longing in the throne room
looking and being generally quite whiffy
attempted decision making
excessive standing around
exposing of wares on street corners
denial of exposing of wares on street corners
meeting tony B and George B in a gay bar

dream dream dream.....

some cliffs
a winding path
a familiar city
flying over the coast
a series of alleys
towers and houses
san remo?
something more along the lines of the goat ocean rd
small inlets
dramatic soaring coast
meet you there?
dont think so

another night
another land
scandinavia or the like
a friendly german family
2 kids and 2 parents
funny combination
some kind of restaurant/bar affair
Bernie was there
thanks for dropping by
we had to be off
many invites to stay on
much wanting to
but a flight was booked
back to ...... ?!

funny how they run into one another
snatches of old dreams appear unrequested
old dreams of snatches ?

no no no

not really

day on the green, night on the hill

it all started off so pleasantly
feeling kinda dopey
some clever person came up with the idea we should stay nearby
genius!
coming the other way
taking the write of way
bokko suckers
follow the follower
all the way past the entrance
turn that behind around
like everybody else
and go to the parking in the fielding
caught like a fish in a net
corralled like big bad dead oxen
to the place where hatted bastards hang out at
everythings okay...
proceed to then pen
reptilian sounds surround us
a good sign for all
find a good poz
amongst the early slurry hunters
find another and go hilling
clearly superior in every way
settle down beavis
what next?
hmm lets see... how about some wine!
clouds move in
a tinkle of sprinkle
big hopes it doesnt feel itself a fixture
Steve will provide
getting comfy enjoying the vibe
josh pyke did his thing
might've been fab
for all anybody noticed
who was that marty man chatting away to me?
and that mega classy figa underarm?
then it was sneaky offy off time
police that way
no good
car park that way
good good
greatest band in the universe come on
and were decidedly the greatest band in the universe
more sneaky offies
more wine
the bard of boronia did his thing
the crowd were in raptures
something about the end of the world i think
more sneaky offies
more wine
let the hollering commence!
them there headliners do their things
very classy
more shouting
declarations of love
standing up, falling into chairs
hard to catch some lunatic bits
before too long....
lights on, people packing up
tricky short cut could have proved disastrous
instead it proved genius
except the hill fell over itself
much to muches muchness merriment
wheres the wotsit?
wots it doing there?
thank all divinities for the dromedary
all that ends in a well
ends up wet
or sitting outside
surrounded my forest and its lovely noises