further adventures of the beaver being...

first there was beaver plastics
pretty good one might think
then all transmogrified to beaver packaging
which reined supreme above the town
until one sad day
it was swallowed up by the capitalist behemoth
and beaver packaging was no more
only a select few knew of the secret beaver stash
visible solely from a secret vantage point amongst heavy industry
an unexpected ray of sunshine was spilt
from a most surprising place
a train from eltham to charing cross
beaver housing flashed and screamed in gorgeous synchrony
where were they when this epiphany dawned?
no bloody where...

dead duck walking pt. 1

here we go....
look around the senta (copyright pending)
little ducks narrowly avoiding big bad sharkies
little ducks having their numberplates personally modded
little ducks being fearful of ugly ugly humans
little ducks doing whatever the fuck else little ducks do
how many slices of goatbergine would you snuffle if you were a duck?
he needs somewhere between 919 and 1149
exact science this...
little ducks with the other bigger ducks
most notably and impressively the Generalissimo Big Fuck Off Ducks
with their yellow goobbly bits
see the little duck film
starring little ducks and figa announcements
did you know that little ducks are only found on this part of the pond?
i bet you fucking didnt
i fucking did
i learned it at little fucking duck primary caucus school
but then, sadly, i forgot
then its time to cruise the little duck shoppe
how much stuff can you ram a little duck onto?
as a boke upstairs once said...
for fucks sake!
for the full little duck experiece
why DID they change the name from hoity toity fucking ducks
to little fucking ducks?
hey? clever trousers?
then its off down the rampart
and plippity plop onto the sand
for a big arse, cold and quite dull wait
dont forget your diary of a secret lodging
the kids suck
the sand sucks
suckity suckity suck suck
fucking cazzo

erik the earwig

erik the earwig lived on the wall
he was small, brown and maggoty
erik the earwig would show his head from time to time
but he felt unloved
people always looked at erik oddly
sideways, lengthways and cazzoways
erik the earwig was just getting to grips with himself
he often did that
he really didnt need all those funny looks
it was enough to give an earwig a complex
one thing that erik the earwig felt was on his side
was his mighty organs
and the mess they could make if he was abused
it certainly scared off the camel
he came after erik the earwig with a giant white board
erik leaped for his life
knowing full well that the camel meant business
whiffy, sticky and unpleasant business at that
after a brief scuffle
erik the earwig was subdued and escorted outside
but the camel knew he was lucky to escape with his trousers intact
next time... thought erik the earwig
next time he wont be so lucky
as he screamed BEEEEELLLLLLIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN into the summer night

hot lava

did i tell you about hot lava?
its fab
there is purple and orange
the orange just sorts of blobs around
doing nothing much
looking kind of disinterested
then, all of a sudden
for no perceptible reason
there is a frenzy of light and splendour
then,
not much happens
but as the slurry warms
whilst nowt is going down
the purple glows cool
bearing witness and happily in the retroscena
the super cool orange starts to stir
first it mounds
then mounds some more
then a timid excursion out of the comfort zone
and after you know it
theres a regular stream of 2 way traffic
the purple graciously forming, swelling and taking off
often colliding with its larvae sibs travelling in the opposite direction
you couldnt call it a meeting of great minds
one moment they entwine
next they meld and slither by without the slightest friction
or meld into a single form
before tearing itself apart again to continue with the established trajectory
every time we make love....
hot lava

il signore dei friks

he did hot foot in the land of scenery
he threw himself out of aeroplanes
ribs notwithstanding
he ate chocolate on a glacier
he marvelled at the 2nd world prices
he probably complained a bit
he chatted to japanese fighe
he exchanged wisdom with a cockney geezer
he bought the dvd
he slept amidst the fucking backpackers
he made sense of the local accent
he did unspeakable things with telecaster guitars
he made contacts with network executives
he probably saw some cool nature on the way
including some wacky boat in the air between the mountains attached to the wires
he imbibed gluten in evey form
gluten burgers
gluten pot noodles
gluten cheesy poofs
gluten gluten bites
gluten me not gluten straws
'i cant believe it's not gluten' gluten
a gluten shake with extra large fuck me up the arse gluten freedom fries
hell, he even had a gluten implants bunged in
missing your gluten ?
skip the patches or the fake gluten puffers
just get gluten thingies attached to your behind

hall work and snow hay makes...

hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
hall work and snow hay makes
one bored, shitty and a crap snack treat

why i didnt see the salvo shoppe in inkerman st

its invisible
there was a temporary blip in the time-space continuium
i forgot to look
some kind of prejudice which i havent yet established
it was a slow blog day
the thooka thooka in my ears distracted me
the eeek eeek screek of my brain distracted me
the situation in darfur distracted me
the dodgy bloke in the leather jacket lighting a fag distracted me
my chasteness got in the way
it was my density
the sun reflected off the windows and blinded me
the ultra modern design of the building made in beyond my minds comprehension
somebody moved it temporarily
it was out to lunch
i was out to lunch
i didnt have my smelly vest on
it was only a figment of his imagination
it was abducted and anally probed by aliens with bubbles on their heads
i didnt apply in triplicate
i lost all sense of perspective and saw a rubiks cube
it turned into a goat
somebody wasnt paying attention

stiffy little fingers

the family stiffoir lived by a frozen bocs
the roof came a tumbling down
leaving the family stiffoir with no shelter
mr stiffoir dropped lots of 'clever' one liners
but they weren't very funny
that didnt stop him
banned from school with knits
a real girl called eye-ee-shucks
ginger stubble
mark molloyocks rings a bit real
i recognized the background skyline
lots of big names and big nobs
little boy stiffoir is having a rough time of it
mummy stiffoir has chortled off to some imaginary town in the north
for a big day...
daddy stiffoir had a lot of things going down
somebody tried to run him off the road
somebody tried to run him down
somebody cut his brakes
a farting dog right nearby
his car upside down in the lake
his bird left him to become a big lesbian
his faced is scratched
his one liners get worse
dry? not really...
daddy stiffoir got his jacket all broken
the roof fell off his house
he stole a dead mans car
but its okay
theres a love interest
ethnic at that!
and a great big conspiracy
where would the world be without them ?
the bloke he works for sold his flesh
for a pound of coins
the turkish fraternity were mistreating mr memo
and something about an old geezer doing stabbin practice
it all ended ironically
or was that underwhelmingly ?
at least i think that was the point
it might have just been his trousers rucking up

i wonder whats happening in new zealand...

i hardly facking think

therefore i hardly facking am

on being crap

how do i count the ways?
the big one is communication crap
too crap to answer an email today or this week
too crap to answer an email this month or trip around the sun
too crap to make that little effort required to just stay in touch and show you give a crap
i once knew a crap bloke
he was pretty crap
but then in the fullness of time his crapness seemed callow and poor
the biggest crap inducement around
is the being in another town, another state, another country or another hemisphere
it makes even the best of us giant big crapsters
these were the best of times, these were the blurst of times
when is it okay to be crap?
whats the ettiquete for a text message?
not answering is rude
after how long?
with depersonalized communication
being crap has become the easy as pye
crap in wales
crap in in the ussr
crap in the land of the gun weilding philistine fundamentalists
crap in london
crap in mexico
crap nel bel paese
big in japan
crap in not so great bretagne
crapping all over the world
We are all crap or carp in our own various ways
it is easy to forget
not to make that small effort
to put it off to another day
i'll get right on it...
it slithers so easily from the mind
will get on it tomorrow
just need to eat my own boot first
aw, they know i love them
our friendship doesnt need contact
hmmmmmmmmmm
out of sight
out of mind
out of this world
in the crap
merda!

red sky on meredith

meredith thangs;
faster pussycat kill kill in a lovely tree lined venue
unhealthy protrusion of busts
and wiggling of bottoms as one walked
no wonder it is a cult
a big big tree that provided shade for 3 fookin daze
love that big big tree
it gives protection for you and me
a pine perhaps
dust and dust and heat
how about that dust
dust in your nose
dust in your ears
dust in your every orificer
i must i must i must decrease my dust
beavis only recently escaped the tin mine
hoffeee him
black feet
cornelius can be my special friend
amayyyzing set with amayyyyzing visuals in behind
ugrieee adamson shouted his arse off
or it might have been his head
one of them has a lot of tattoos
of petunias or oranjebloom or something
narrowly escaped tim the tool with tex the mitico
why oh why?!?
completely missed spencer and the nudey run around
combo la thththththt im sure were lovely people
with interesting lives to lead and serving a valuable need in our community
likewise the ballandigo big bad brass arse band
other noteworthy performances included
ummm errrrrrr aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh ummmmmmmmmm
rustle rustle
band of horses... not bad for a band of horses
midlake... not bad except for shitfully annoying harmonies
augie march for sounding like a band i have heard before
the drones were cool
then there were some other bands which i paid no attention tooo
big kudos to the i drive a truck with a long hose on it people
breakfest burritos
eriks incredible endurance of having 18 ribs removed and rammed up his arse
stoicism personified
lots of beer
lots of spliff
friendly folks
overly friendly folks scaring off the tourists
and scaring off the me
beavis and his heroic earplugs
kez the blackleg
clean clean clean lavatories
loveless effort that
smoke hanging heavily in the air
dust clinging lightly to the bods
sleep doing a splash and dash
the figa family next door
bless em
all the young people
not sure about whether they need blessing
how about that dust?
dusty enough for you?
funk to dusty?
too many schnaa
hang on a minute, thats not right
superb performance from the berntastic
sorry about that ole chappes
no disrespect intending
arsed on, downtrodden by fucked up hordes
it came up smelling of dust

the duster brothers

driving about
driving about
isn't it all so lovely
cruising along
wait, whats that!?
a line up of wahabiite prayer givings?
no, its just a great big fuck off queueueueuue
so we park
so we beer
so we smoke
so we piss
hayley bails for all
hang in there...
50 metres then 80 metres
then 23 metres then a bloke with a beard
off we go...
got any spare beer?
how about small beer?
tent put up
whats that noise
no, that one
ahh the shouty one
somebody is about to flip
out off
in ouff
all about...

cant be arsed

the day that arturo died

somebody cried
at the POW
no, not the prisoner of war
no, not the patented obvious wossit
no, not the pulverized organ wurlizter
the prince of wales
take a leap back in history
set foot in a room with cheap beer
fools, butfoons and not so many shady characters
how about that?
oops just lost 5 years
feeling snappier already
Pippy longtroosers walked these boards again
the same boards
give or take a few old freakoids
or young potters of toss
would you like some beervis?
this time there was the broken man
man, he was broken
couldnt sit down
couldnt stand up
couldnt breathe without the macchina
disgusting the flower of trooth
the figa that didnt run for cover
coz the cover never availed itself
fancy the fook that
one dollar pots
one dollar fittttie pots
one dollar sittttieee pots
wot fookin next?
filling up space on blog?

here comes the meredith all dressed in hot

today is the day of the meredith
greetings and salutations to all merediths out where
there should be lots of scorched heads
scorched brains
and scorched scorcios
fab music
tented red headed wonderlands
no dickheads
and no bushfires
2 cars
2 tents
one vegas
with or without showgirls
no girls tent
no tutus
but an elegant lady or high breeding
one foreign passer by swept up in a plastic bag
one seedy bloke
one seedier looking bloke
and a lot of seedy looking blokes
many unfortunate couches may pass away
but the newly riffed reptilic blue somethingtastic promises a good show
even if the ground beckons for all the wrong reasons
so wishes are well
as somebody sets off somewhere
quite likely somewhere already conquered by the conquering hordes
but at least they are nice hordes
a good band is coming on
im off to the first aid tent for a worse view

cricket crooked businessmen

so the whole country goes potty over a game of cricket
another whole country jumps in the north sea
and wrings hands as they are bracingly swept away
whats that dad? they are just the orkneys...
its the end of the world as we knew it
and i feel nonplussed
what a truly odd game
5 days
5 fuckign days
30 odd hours
then it all ends up with 3 overs to go...
it aint a matter of life and death
its more noteworthy
lets just run down what it is that has had such a profound affect
22 blokes in white pyjamas
2 blokes with black trousers and white shirts whos job it is to wave their arms around, stick their fingers up..... , stand very still and act all grown up
another 2 blokes have the job of carrying water out to the first 22
and trying not to look disappointed that they werent good enough
picture this bull bragg boy
a huge green oval
thus named after a rhombus
with a bit of hard grass
all beaten up, dried out and squashed down
this bit in the middle a rectangle known as a square
at each end there are 3 wooden sticks
a few centimetres apart
with a couple of ickle twigs between them to make up the castle
then 2 blokes covered in padding of all kinds and big sticks wander out
another 11 blokes wander around aimlessly on this big green space
strangely one of them also has pads and stands nearby the castle
then from one end a big bloke stalks off to fence then turns around to reveal he has a ball in his hand
he runs like a man possessed towards the square
and by warping his body in a most impure manner
he hurles the ball with all his might at the bloke with a stick at the other end
who most times just watch it go by
like you might watch a pink butterfly
then it all starts again
then it carries on
and carries on
with occasional stopping for head and ball scratching
even more occasional hysterics
usually unjustified
and the 2 blokes between the castles rarely trotting back and forth on the square like well train dalmations
after a couple of hours
everybody has a break and then its on again
an again
and after five days
oftentimes there a draw
thats what keeps this country in a delirium and blissfully unaware of the evil manipulations of horrid little smug men

dim smuggy

broken elbows
cheep cheep birru
it all comes flooding back now
sit up straight
otherwise the view is impaired
nowt worse than that
its only a short stagger to that plaice
stolen bad reference
sorry about that
theres an old man here
he claims that he knew you
the dragon sure wasnt slainest
the history of the brick
it finished right there
roma termini
st kilda termini
there better be a good excuse for that
they say its static electricity
yesterday it took 2.13 euro off the shelf
then it were over
like slipping into a new glovers
that bloke knew it were over
a nation united
can oft be defeated
sensors all switched to 'couldnae give a fook'
so...
normal service resumed
this nation has a receptacle
that doesnt look right
nothing respectable about that then
something to say?
fascinating tale of woe and mischief?
stones turned and molested strrrrreeet corners?
grazed elbogans?
sod that... im off to look at the guardian
dont you ever read the guardian kneel?

Ron that steak sandwich

the view from the capsule is rubbish
all icy platitudes
who would have thought richard branson would stoop to this?
blah blah blah
atom bomb
blah blah blah
tomato pasting
blah blah blah
reconstituted white people
blah blah blah
neutron equals engery with the railway brakes on
how do i know this?
bog off
tasteless, classless and coalescent
for only 20 knicker plus VAT
that bloke that made a difference
only gave away the secret to the ultimate in mass extermination
good intentions are not only overrated
you can't forget the t-boner
in between skating and bleaching
there wasn't much space
what was there was filled with lemon and lime
oh good
whistling
that crap kind that is only done between filthy digits
the one that rattles around in your head
he's having a shit time of it
she's having a shocker
and then there are the ones all beaten up with a hammer
congealed your fancy?
fucking this
fuckign that
piece of shit 1 says to piece of shit 2;
you piece of shit
piece of shit 2 says,
fucken fuck
only slightly more degrading than seeing your arse on the internet with i love big grey barry tattooed on it
another wasted flower of youth
purple and perfectly round
with a bit of yellow in the middle
zooming off there into nowhere
good thing it wasnt free
human conscience and all that biz nuge
pan backwards and catch the lucky folk getting on with the fire
meatballs on sticks
cliche bashed out and around the block... again
the label closed down
arse

camel wears his legs

he does you know
i saw him
they grow back when sliced off at the hip
that's why he's no twinset
that'd be potent
wacky little number innit?

THE FIGA IS FIGA

Somebody asked me about the logic of this sentence.
You have to know that despite on what can be told about a figa, she olways remains a figa and must be serpected as a figa as whell.
But when a figa is a really figa ?
If you meet a girl, here you can find a clessification of the differets figa's degrees:
From the top to the bottom

1) Strafiga (better than figa)
2) Figa (figa)
3) Gran gnocca (quite a figa)
4) Gnocca (not a figa but...)
5) Medio gnocca (intresting)
6) Semi-gnocca (sill intresting)
7) Tipa (not really intresting)
8) Una (non intresting)
9) Cancello (intresting for medical research)
10) In this case you only try to forgive her immediately, without giving her a name

Now, acording to the schedule, we can tell that in position number 1&2 a figa remains a figa anywhere, position 3&4 are usually considered figa but, as they aren't really figa, you can submit the appartenence at the figa class to conditions like make-up, usually a figa from 3 to 5 the decision is yours, after 5th position you can't consider the girl as a figa, even if you are in love with her.
Must even be told that from position 6 to 8 the sense of humor plays a fondameltal role.
Anyway the positions between 5 & 7 can usually be changed following the personal preferences.
i hope no girls feels offended by this post.
For further details please contact me.

MPAA Lobbying for SEEDY MAGGOT Regulations

The MPAA is lobbying congress to push through a new
bill that would make unauthorized SEEDY MAGGOTS illegal. The group feels
that all SEEDY MAGGOTS should be sanctioned, whether they be ON THIRD WORLD HOLIDAY or at home.

MPAA head Dan Glickman says this needs to be regulated before things
start getting too far out of control, "We didn't act early enough with
the online sharing of our copyrighted content AND WE ENDED UP WITH PETE. This time we're not
making the same mistake. We have a right to know what SEEDY MAGGOT is in a
theater."

The bill would require that any hardware manufactured in the future
contain technology that tells the MPAA directly of what SEEDY MAGGOT
and specific details on the audience. The data would be gathered using
various LEON sensors and biometric technology.

The MPAA defines a SEEDY MAGGOT as any home with a LEON larger
than 29" with stereo sound and at least two SMUG BASTARDS, couch,
or futon. Anyone with a SEEDY MAGGOT would need to pay a $50
registration fee with the MPAA or face fines up to $500,000 per AFRO shown.

"Just because you buy a DVD to watch at home doesn't give you the right
to invite friends over to watch A SEEDY MAGGOT too. That's a violation of copyright
and denies us the revenue that would be generated from DVD sales to your
friends," said Glickman. "Ideally we expect each viewer to have their
own SEEDY MAGGOT, but we realize that isn't always feasible. The
SMASH IN THE NADS is a fair compromise.

The bill also stipulates that any existing SEEDY MAGGOTS be retrofitted
with the technology or else the owner is responsible for ANY PETE THE PAINTA LOOKALIKES and receiving approval before each viewing OF A SEEDY MAGGOT.