Saturday, February 28, 2009

linguist academics say beavis and butthead are in trouble...

From this article from bbc.co.uk we learn that word nerds at reading university have discovered 'Oldest English words' and more spectacularly these scientists now believe they can predict which words will be next to die out from the language. Sound boring and rubbish? It sure does, except, that these words on the way out mysteriously seem to revolve around the process of doing number two's. Now THAT is interesting!

Macclesfield Psalter (PA)

'Some of the oldest words in English have been identified, scientists say.

Reading University researchers claim "I", "we", "two" and "three" are among the most ancient, dating back tens of thousands of years.

Their computer model analyses the rate of change of words in English and the languages that share a common heritage.

The team says it can predict which words are likely to become extinct - citing "squeeze", "guts", "stick" and "bad" as probable first casualties.

"We use a computer to fit a range of models that tell us how rapidly these words evolve," said Mark Pagel, an evolutionary biologist at the University of Reading.

What the researchers found was that the frequency with which a word is used relates to how slowly it changes through time, so that the most common words tend to be the oldest ones.

For example, the words "I" and "who" are among the oldest, along with the words "two", "three", and "five". The word "one" is only slightly younger. William the Conqueror (Getty)

The word "four" experienced a linguistic evolutionary leap that makes it significantly younger in English and different from other Indo-European languages.

Meanwhile, the fastest-changing words are projected to die out and be replaced by other words much sooner.

For example, "dirty" is a rapidly changing word; currently there are 46 different ways of saying it in the Indo-European languages, all words that are unrelated to each other. As a result, it is likely to die out soon in English, along with "stick" and "guts".

Verbs also tend to change quite quickly, so "push", "turn", "wipe" and "stab" appear to be heading for the lexicographer's chopping block.

"We think some of these words are as ancient as 40,000 years old. The sound used to make those words would have been used by all speakers of the Indo-European languages throughout history," Professor Pagel said.

"Here's a sound that has been connected to a meaning - and it's a mostly arbitrary connection - yet that sound has persisted for those tens of thousands of years.".............

http://news.bbc.co.uk/nolpda/ifs_news/hi/newsid_7911000/7911645.stm?tday=Saturday
the idea for this blog was stolen (as are most of them)- from the fiver on the guardian website ; http://football.guardian.co.uk/fiver/

Friday, February 27, 2009

nanna ate maggots

no really... she told me so
something to do with protein

Thursday, February 26, 2009

sugar rush

whhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i ate some panettone before
whhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
im off my bleeding head
whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i can feel that white lightning
phwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrummmmmmmmmmmmschchchc
goodness knows
goodness knows

but ooooooooooh ooooooooooooh what if i never come down......................... ?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

the limebeaver 7 step self help course

after many desperate pleas for help, the Limebeaver Institute of Mental Bliss has got together with its old chum Tom 'The Real Prince of Wales, not that Jug Eared Git' Jones to put together this guide to inner peace and everything is going to be lovely self help;




for more details, send us loads of wonga and then go and make in an arse.
If you are not completely satisfied, go and make in an arse again.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

the worrrllld this evening

disastrous fire stuff
huge numbers for deaths and destruction and money
everything is terrible
and may well get moreso
sad but getting a bit tiresome
funeral of firefighter that got done
music industry going to help out scorchio persons
fuck off coldplay shite
the lamest band in the world will be part of it
peter garrett back to shout again
rather hard to take him seriously since his crap envirodestruction efforts
the stock markets have gone down the lavatory
again
tokyo, korea blah blah
america bank wank
fuck off american bank twats
basta!
australian government is going to buy some new submarines
ooh err everybody will be scared of our us now!
with our shiny new scuba mask!
thatll stop the chinese from destroying us completely!
fucking idiotic muslims in pakistan have temporarily stopped killing
coz their govt lets them run the place like a tribe in desert 1600 years ago
fucking arseholes they are with their sharia law horseshit
some brit bloke out off guantamano bay
after 8 years
he has a minor crank on
telling all about how he got shafted by the yanks and brits
poor bastard got tortured et al
hes still a muslim twat though
terrorist state israel cant decide who will be in charge of being racist and terrorising palestinians in government
if only they would agree
to fuck right off and nuke themselves
oh and hamas are wankers too
tamil tigers in sri lanka offer a cease fire
why dont they just give it up?
the govt says bog off
now lots of people stuck in big arsed jail camps
woah woah woah
what is it good for?
super cool aung sang su chi is still stuck in jail in burma
the bunghole miliatry junta has let out 2 prisoners and a goat
but of course nobody who matters got out
faarrrrrrrrrrrrrk off you militarist thugs!
labor govt still popular in australia
goddamm boring politics and bullshit muppets banging on
its a twat head competition
at least the liberal filth are losing...
vafffanculo!
the national museum of iraq has been reopened
324324534 years after the americans let it get trashed
now everything is lovely
except the fact that its not ready at all
its a stunt of course
fnar fnar
schnore schnore
an auction of yves saint buttnugget art stuff is on in france
lots of rich arseholes are spending lots of wonga
yar yar bog off
now barracks banana is banging on about how to fix their broken economy
oh dear i think my legs just dropped off with excitement
lots of pollies trying to look clever
and just looking like the swill they are
more bungsnaps americans banging on
one want to end the trade embargo against
commo pinko beardo cuba..
in japanlandia a local govt has started looking through the sewage
and been finding gold in it...
those whacky nipponese.. playing in their own slurry
merda madness!
huge wanker land saudi arabia
is investing its oil money sensibly apparently
even if the oil price is rubbish
the backwards theocratic gits in dresses can keep buying fugu encrusted lavatory paper

NOW WASH YOUR HANDS!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Sunday, February 22, 2009

looking good...

all dressed up
looking very slick...
ive got
brilliant boots
smarty pants
sagacious scarf
clever clogs
shrewd socks
slick smalls
canny jacket
savvy shirt
shrewd shoes
tidy tie
gifted glasses
cagey cap
cunning coat
sharp skivvy
jammy jumper
talented trousers
versatile vest
expert earrings
wise waistcoat
gifted gloves
handy hat
fookin, stand back... here i come...

Friday, February 20, 2009

drill bits

i didnt see that one coming
vroom vroom
blip blip
a most unusual experience indeed
the twat fone rang
i was urged to make it down in 75 minutes
there was a lot at stake
hurriedly i knocked myself down
and brushed myself out
banged myself around
and shipped myself about
it could dent my pronto experience that evening
but twasnt to be sneezed at
a slight hack at the most
bugger all waiting around
and then smiley lady requests that i
step into her office
thoughts of felicity who filled nobody ever with electricity
sat back
down down and away!
marvellously efficient
a bit of zap in there
and somethings became awful clear
maybe even negative
with a scrippity scrap
a stibbity stab
a lot of hoover to the tongue
then it was big sticks ahoy
the screams emanating from behind the door
held no fear
i laugh around the door jam of fear!
onwards and most holy
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
thhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwthhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwww
lights
mirrors
action bloody central
a bit of this
a dash of that
some kind of frozen seahorse paste over there
back in
back out
back all about
flashing and beeping
Twice!
it was like there was a party in my mouth
and they were all invited
i was, of course, the coolest most laid back guy there
sunglesses on INside
it did go on for a bit
and the sensation of drowning in ones drool cant be described as becalming
positively icebox i were
just the odd toe curl
and everything
well, something was lovely
tisnt half as bad as people make out
been there done that...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Im so bored..

with the USA

Monday, February 16, 2009

theres a super new site out there..

good news everybody
especially if you are a chef
unless you believe in scientology
in which case
you are just a wanker
theres a great new site out there.........
right out there....
but nowhere near dorking
which is a different toaster of giraffes
this great new site is on the internerdwebmachine
its called www.davenkez.com
and its amazing
it changed my world
and it could change yours too
it is a vessel of enormous wisdom
with sound advice for all and any comers, goers or takers
yes its www.davenkez.com
which will colour your world with good times
cheap wine, bad women and crap song
it made me very wealthy
oh yes indeed
i now have to choose which of my boats to drive to antigua this weekend
sigh
sigh
sigh
come along
buy one
try one
david bowie is often seen there
logged in under his psuedonym
davidbowie
but i see through his tricks
bring your hubby
bring your goat
bring your kids
bring your leg scars

please note that i have not been paid for this party promotional
at least not remunerated in the conventional sense.
please note 2. www.davenkez.com and is not to be confused with www.daveandkez.com which is about a couple of swingers in england...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

valentines day?


schmalentines day

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

bogan racist rednecks v nasty yellow war crime committers

phweeeeeeeeeeeet
in yokohama tonight there is the big o game o san match o fun times o
nasty yellow war crime committers are hosting bogan racist rednecks
in the fifa world cup jamboree special five dollar sucky sucky nabisco fun o go to o happy shop
football match
from the hyundai big leg o dome u asia is best o qualifying good times o
nasty yellow war crime committer land city of yokohama fugu o biscuit strike stadium has a capacity of 75,000 very well behaved fans ru
they are the two strongest teams and currently first and second in their fly rice o ramen o udon group
and the top two teams will go through to leilani owwooongo chu nowwoonga chu finals
in bleck burning tyre mandiba top bloke murder central elephent springbok rooar seth afreca
in the year say.............. 2010?
nevertheless its terribly important
but not on telly
can the hairy blue samuria knee bones conquer the infidel white men?
and surge heroically to super o drin drin leader great o win bonus stick treat?
or will bogan racist rednecks stomp all over their inferior funny looking little squinty men?
and burst manfully hairy chestedly to their euro dudes destined future?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

fire uno



wow big times of late
this part of the planet is famous all of a sudden
due to death and destruction
it got a tad hot see?
a big tad hot
nearly a whole week of a big tad hot
lots of days over 40 gradi
then a week later there was a stonker
46 large ones
with psychobilly winds
and half the shoppe went up in flames
big big big crazy big flames
that travelled at the speed of something that goes damn fast
a tgv maybe?
train grand vitesse
or something of the kind
and lots and lots of stuff got burnt
vegetation got burnt
native animals got burnt
farmy animals got burnt
houses and other buildings got burnt
people got burnt
of course the only thing that anybody gives a toss about is the people
and their precious belongings
and perhaps 'livestock'
which are now deadstock
not a thought to the thousands and thousands of canguri etc that died
horrific joan of arc deaths
aunque
many people animals are dead
more than 150 i think
which has caused all kinds of carry on
politicians, sports people and tv maggots are all broken up about it
banks and all kinds of other businesses are giving money
and encouraging us to do likewise
the commercial tv pricks see it as another chance to scam ratings
taking any opportunity to look serious
and sensationalize
in the hope of getting more suckers to watch their falsehoods
their masques of sincerity
which they entwine with advertisements and sneaky promotions
is nothing sacred?
human suffering
mourning
death
stupid bloody question
fuckers

Monday, February 09, 2009

the only thing that unite us...


200 squid is quite a fair price for this bit of genius...

Thursday, February 05, 2009

wilfully obscure too

half a rat full
but emptying rapidly
a couple of wings
somebody flew to close to this son
here or there
red earth rectangles
3 dimensional
that come to a sudden blunt conclusion
love is not in the hair
inferno itself
for the scorching of poor
already flayed and dissected
now the final flaming degradation
sweetly curving waves
but dont dive in
they nominally hold back the natures ocean
but nature will have none of it
thrusting, straining over its man made restraints
and why not?
who else is using that space?
huh?
roundish escape capsules
some filled with many small frail beings
some hold only one mighty lady
plus one long space taker/breaker
a vessel full of souls
if only souls existed
falling dessicated bodies litter
randomly fallen to rejoin the big hexagon of acquavita
at times dashes of brilliant viola
at others loaves of earthy brown
is this where one can spend a penny and save a buck?

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Home is anywhere you hang your head


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Cirencester was a grand crazy fun place for me
I lived in a building so grand that upon seeing it a student cried 'a castle!'
for 2 months i lived, worked and played very hard in the royal agricultural college
RAC dont you know
hoity fucking toity
a ridiculously posh place where the upper crust children go to learn how to run their estates
pwince charlie used to hang out there
cirencester is on the edge of the cotswolds in mid western england
stunning countryside
in summer they rented their premises to dodgy english teaching scams
bad fooking idea
we worked perhaps 60 hours a week
and spent the rest drinking and being ridiculous
every friday there was a teacher/group leader night
where the visiting group leaders were provided with rubbish cheese and average wine
and the 'staff'- teachers/activity leaders were supposed to mingle
i always banged on to the italian group leaders
not like the rest of the anti social english gits
then all the left over booze was given to us
and we drank it all and went bonkers
first location for the boozeup was in a big cellar under the building
but we made too much noise so it was moved
next up in a class room at the furthest extremities of the buildings
where we had a cheese fight and mashed it into all the carpet
then we were exiled to a big hut way out in the grounds
i took groups of kiddies on trips to london and surrounds
shepherding them around the city
hamleys, british museum madame tussauds etc
pretending to know what was what
around oxford and other tourist places
always meeting the kids in a couple of hours and dashing off to the pub
i set off the smoke alarm on second night
coz i wanted to smoke in my room
ali came to visit with her jack
we did a day trip to swindon to see the new disappointing star wars movie
beavis and i had beers at a pub around the corner from the british museum and watched the grand prix
we played cricket and ate cucumber sandwiches
i shirked the teachers performance
got called a dark horse
on a trip to the pub in town
i felt like i was on the moon
yet again
all those wealthy english country types
all very friendly and wotnot but i didnt belong
there was auntie sassy who at first seemed cool
and ended up being a huge pain
my great mate nick
from whom i copied all my lessons
lovely sweet anna
who once sent me an xmas card
sexy emma who spent the whole time trying to make me jealous
dev the activity leader
who was cool but kinda strange looking
two twin blokes who i cant recall their names
gaz who had played professional football in germany for borussia monchenglavatirystorysklrigd
and told me how hard stefen effenberg was
the scottish bird who i just called grrrreeeeeeeeeeeat
louise the fun funky bird you gave me a cold
the crazy boss guy who never took his hat off
and proclaimed his gayness constantly
there was the italian boss guy
who in his spare time does modelling
i saw him an ad on tv last time i was over there
all those wonderful terrible italian kids
who would never shut up
but were so much fun
supervising practice routines to bloody britney spears
Tiziana and Raffaella and giorgio
Ilaria ...
I had to go to italy after all that....

Monday, February 02, 2009

Joe Cricket


I have been getting into joe cricket a bit lately
he has a lot of good things to say
does joe cricket
he bangs on about government corruption
about the evils of organised crime and oligarchy
he organises big meetings in the plazas
so people can attend 'fuck off' day and shout 'fuck off'
at all the scum that run that country
he also encourages good ideas
environmental and otherwise
dont get me wrong
old joe cricket is certainly not squeaky clean
he was convicted of accidental homicide
or something of the kind
he has made a lot of money thru banging on
but he spends most of it on lawyers fighting off evil crony people
berluschifo ecc
another reason to dig him is that he comes zena
as do I in a sense
and he peppers his rants
and they are very good quality frothing rants
with 'belin'
he used to just do fairly tame stand up
on telly and the like
these days he cant get on telly
coz the maggots in power wont let him
because they cannot tolerate dissent
joe grasshopper is actually in his own whacky whacky way
trying to make the world a better place
and in particular
he's trying to help sort the beautiful country
which desperately
fucking desperately
needs all the help it can get
forza joe cricket!

he has an excellent blog too
and an english version...
http://www.beppegrillo.it/eng/

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Richard Dawkins sticks it to the men...

here are a few corkers he has said ... on the blind stupidity of religion et al

A friend, an intelligent lapsed Jew who observes the Sabbath for reasons of cultural solidarity, describes himself as a Tooth Fairy Agnostic. He will not call himself an atheist because it is in principle impossible to prove a negative. But "agnostic" on its own might suggest that he though God's existence or non-existence equally likely. In fact, though strictly agnostic about god, he considers God's existence no more probable than the Tooth Fairy's.
Bertrand Russell used a hypothetical teapot in orbit about Mars for the same didactic purpose. You have to be agnostic about the teapot, but that doesn't mean you treat the likelihood of its existence as being on all fours with its non-existence.
The list of things about which we strictly have to be agnostic doesn't stop at tooth fairies and celestial teapots. It is infinite. If you want to believe in a particular one of them -- teapots, unicorns, or tooth fairies, Thor or Yahweh -- the onus is on you to say why you believe in it. The onus is not on the rest of us to say why we do not. We who are atheists are also a-fairyists, a-teapotists, and a-unicornists, but we don't' have to bother saying so.
-- Richard Dawkins, following a list of excerpts from hate mail sent to the editor of Freethought Today, after she won a separationist court battle, in "A Challenge To Atheists: Come Out of the Closet" (Free Inquiry, Summer, 2002) paragraph division added

Perhaps the best of the available euphemisms for atheist is nontheist. It lacks the connotation of positive conviction that there is definitely no god, and it could therefore easily be embraced by Teapot or Tooth Fairy Agnostics. It is less familiar than atheist and lacks its phobic connotations. Yet, unlike a completely new coining, its meaning is clear. If we want a euphemism at all, nontheist is probably the best.
The alternative which I favor is to renounce all euphemisms and grasp the nettle of the word atheism itself, precisely because it is a taboo word carrying frissons of hysterical phobia. Critical mass may be harder to achieve than with some non-confrontational euphemism, but if we did achieve it with the dread word atheist, the political impact would be all the greater.
-- Richard Dawkins, following a list of excerpts from hate mail sent to the editor of Freethought Today, after she won a separationist court battle, in "A Challenge To Atheists: Come Out of the Closet" (Free Inquiry, Summer, 2002)

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
-- Richard Dawkins, in "Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder," The Richard Dimbleby Lecture, BBC1 Television (12 November 1996)

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.
-- Richard Dawkins (attributed: source unknown)

Religion teaches the dangerous nonsense that death is not the end.
-- Richard Dawkins, "Religion's Misguided Missiles" (September 15, 2001)

Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence.
-- Richard Dawkins (attributed: source unknown)

Faith is powerful enough to immunize people against all appeals to pity, to forgiveness, to decent human feelings. It even immunizes them against fear, if they honestly believe that a martyr's death will send them straight to heaven.
-- Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene

Yes, testosterone-sodden young men too unattractive to get a woman in this world might be desperate enough to go for 72 private virgins in the next.
-- Richard Dawkins, "Religion's Misguided Missiles" (September 15, 200

My last vestige of "hands off religion" respect disappeared in the smoke and choking dust of September 11th 2001, followed by the "National Day of Prayer," when prelates and pastors did their tremulous Martin Luther King impersonations and urged people of mutually incompatible faiths to hold hands, united in homage to the very force that caused the problem in the first place.
-- Richard Dawkins, The Devil's Chaplain (2004)

My point is not that religion itself is the motivation for wars, murders and terrorist attacks, but that religion is the principal label, and the most dangerous one, by which a "they" as opposed to a "we" can be identified at all.
-- Richard Dawkins, The Devil's Chaplain (2004)

It is fashionable to wax apocalyptic about the threat to humanity posed by the AIDS virus, "mad cow" disease, and many others, but I think a case can be made that faith is one of the world's great evils, comparable to the smallpox virus but harder to eradicate.
-- Richard Dawkins, The Humanist, Vol. 57, No. 1

If people think God is interesting, the onus is on them to show that there is anything there to talk about. Otherwise they should just shut up about it.
-- Richard Dawkins (attributed: source unknown)

People sometimes try to score debating points by saying, "Evolution is only a theory." That is correct, but it's important to understand what that means. It is also only a theory that the world goes round the Sun -- it's just a theory for which there is an immense amount of evidence.
There are many scientific theories that are in doubt. Even within evolution, there is some room for controversy. But that we are cousins of apes and jackals and starfish, let's say, that is a fact in the ordinary sense of the word.

-- Richard Dawkins, "Nick Pollard interviews Richard Dawkins" (Damars: 1999)

You cannot be both sane and well educated and disbelieve in evolution. The evidence is so strong that any sane, educated person has got to believe in evolution.
-- Richard Dawkins, in Lanny Swerdlow, "My Sort Interview with Richard Dawkins" (Portland, Oregon, 1996)

It is absolutely safe to say that, if you meet somebody who claims not to believe in evolution, that person is ignorant, stupid or insane (or wicked, but I'd rather not consider that).
-- Richard Dawkins, quoted from Josh Gilder, a creationist, in his critical review, "PBS's 'Evolution' series is propaganda, not science" (September, 2001)

Not a single one of your ancestors died young. They all copulated at least once.
-- Richard Dawkins, The New Yorker, "Richard Dawkins's Evolution" (September 9, 1996), debating "Does God Exist?" with Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz, as reported by Ian Parker, quoted from The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations

The enlightenment is under threat. So is reason. So is truth. So is science, especially in the schools of America. I am one of those scientists who feels that it is no longer enough just to get on and do science. We have to devote a significant proportion of our time and resources to defending it from deliberate attack from organized ignorance. We even have to go out on the attack ourselves, for the sake of reason and sanity. Of course, excellent organizations already exist for raising funds and deploying them in service of reason, science and enlightenment values.But the money that these organizations can raise is dwarfed by the huge resources of religious foundations such as the Templeton Foundation, not to mention the tithe-bloated, tax-exempt churches.
-- Richard Dawkins, quoted from the press release, “The Cydonia Group Declares War On Religion” (December 15, 2006)

To fill a world with ... religions of the Abrahamic kind, is like littering the streets with loaded guns. Do not be surprised if they are used.
-- Richard Dawkins, "Religion's Misguided Missiles" (September 15, 2001)

That there is a continuous link from humans to gorillas, with the intermediate species merely long dead, is beyond the understanding of speciesists. Tie the label Homo sapiens even to a tiny piece of insensible embryonic tissue, and its life suddenly leaps to infinite, incomputable value....
Self-styled "pro-lifers," and others that indulge in footling debates about exactly when in its development a foetus "becomes" human, exhibit the same discontinuous mentality. "Human," to the discontinuous mind, is an absolutist concept. There can be no half measures. And from this flows much evil.
-- Richard Dawkins, from "Gaps in the Mind," in The Devil's Chaplain (2004)

Society bends over backward to be accommodating to religious sensibilities but not to other kinds of sensibilities. If I say something offensive to religious people, I'll be universally censured, including by many atheists. But if I say something insulting about Democrats or Republicans or the Green Party, one is allowed to get away with that. Hiding behind the smoke screen of untouchability is something religions have been allowed to get away with for too long.
-- Richard Dawkins, quoted in Natalie Angier, "Confessions of a Lonely Atheist," New York Times Magazine, January 14, 2001

Over the centuries, we've moved on from Scripture to accumulate precepts of ethical, legal and moral philosophy. We've evolved a liberal consensus of what we regard as underpinnings of decent society, such as the idea that we don't approve of slavery or discrimination on the grounds of race or sex, that we respect free speech and the rights of the individual. All of these things that have become second nature to our morals today owe very little to religion, and mostly have been won in opposition to the teeth of religion.
-- Richard Dawkins, quoted in Natalie Angier, "Confessions of a Lonely Atheist," New York Times Magazine, January 14, 2001

In childhood our credulity serves us well. It helps us to pack, with extraordinary rapidity, our skulls full of the wisdom of our parents and our ancestors. But if we don't grow out of it in the fullness of time, our ... nature makes us a sitting target for astrologers, mediums, gurus, evangelists, and quacks. We need to replace the automatic credulity of childhood with the constructive skepticism of adult science.
-- Richard Dawkins , Unweaving the Rainbow: Science, Delusion, and the Appetite for Wonder (1998), page 142–3

Saturday, January 31, 2009

tennisninette

its kind of blue
on the whole it cold be said to be blue
there are splodges fo white
quite well formed
so perhaps splodges isnt the right word
more dashes
occasional flicks of yellow
little bits of orange and red
and probably other bits
a tiny green thing hovers intermittently
it hurts my eyes
and the sounds at times hurt my whole head
grunting and cheering
currents of yank
dribbles of osstrayan drivel
from some sandy little butthole
somewhere out there
a story could be unfolding
but it flickers up and down
constantly
irritatingly
brain bustingly
oh there would be unsung anguish
if only i cared

Friday, January 30, 2009

things that make a lot of sense...

1 - having the bloody flu when its 45 degrees celsius
that makes a shedload of sense...
fuckingetfuckedfuckingfuckfacefuckingfuct

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

scorchio!



poula fisch with the weather forecast for melbourne for the rest of the week...
(stolen from the fast show)

Monday, January 26, 2009

il capodanno razzista

e si
ho dormito tanto in questi giorni
quasi quasi mi sembra che ho dormito tutto il giorno
da non so...
forse sabato
dormivo come un morto sabato pomeriggio
poi sono uscito con le cugine
per cui ero molto contento
purtroppo e' andata un po storta
credevo che andassimo solo a un ristorante al collina della scatola
quindi non un sacco di esercizio
ma no
abbiamo parcheggiato le macchine forse un chilometro dal centro
cosi ho dovuto camminare un bel po prima di arrivarci
poi abbiamo fatto un bel girino per le strade
immersi in una folla pazzesca di asiatici
interotto dalle fermate improvviste ogni tanto
che volevo dire un sacco di aspettare a piede
alla fine siamo andati ad un ristorante cinese
quello che era il favorito di lei
ci sono stato anche un paio di volte degli anni fa
il cibo era abbastanza buono
pero
non c'erano abbastanza staff
cosi
aspettamo e aspettamo
infine ci serviva 3 maledette ore
per qualche primi a degli secondi piatti
che non erano un granche
mentre io stavo sempre piu stanco
io non e' successo un cazzo
ero proprio stufo e stanco
stavo proprio pensando di prendere uno tassi a casa
infatti pensavo che magarii avessi la macchina mai
ma ho pensato
il cibo deve arrivare prima o poi
alla fine sono uscito a fare un passeggiata
neanche un ottima idea
ma avevo un grand bisogno di scappare
fare due passi come si dice
dopo quello che sembrava delle epoche
e' arrivato i secondi piatti
ho bevuto un'altra birra
e' mi sentivo meglio
ma sapevo benessimo che ci sarebbe stato dei guai
che fucking palle

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

the urban dictionary is full of crap

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=schnaa

1. schnaa

adj. Meaning stupid. Alternative to the words gay and retarded.
Seraph: I have a telescope so i can spy on the hobos next door.
Dominique: That's so schnaa.

these home people can get fucked. What the fuck would they know about schnaa, they werent there at the tote shouting and leaning on the bar. wankers. Speaking of dictionaries, what exactly does 'urban' mean?
well, according to dictionary.com it is;
1. of, pertaining to, or designating a city or town.
2. living in a city.
3. characteristic of or accustomed to cities; citified: He is an urban type.

Now is there written anywhere, fucking idiotic black and hispanic american twats banging on about guns and hoes? fuck off, really.
'Seraph'!!?? fucking seraph? yeah thats a proper name.. why not call yourself 'floatyarseflakes'?
buttnugget.. says 'I have a telescope so i can spy on the hobos next door.'
well deficente, unless you live next door to an alley you cant look at hobos dont have fucking houses, you moron!
'Dominque' ??!! ahh so some stupid homegirl bint with a big arse and working in mcdonalds is likely to have french parents, maybe they are from grenoble, LA? fuck right off..says
'That's so schnaa" ... mind bending observation there dominique from Toulon! Go smash your daft plaitted hair up yer arse!

the lesson here is obvious, americans are fucking idiots and they should never, ever try to coin new phrases/expressions/words as they will on embarass themselves and anybody forced to listen.
Schnaa means something else entirely.... dillweeds

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I mean, who throws a shoe?!!!

Sock and Awe!


a fab game to splat the smug git in the ugly mug...

Monday, January 19, 2009

i saw me standing alone...

I found a fab new hobby.. translating italian football rubbish rumours about Kaka for desperate english fans desperate for football rubbish rumours about Kaka...
start applauding any time...

Intrigo Kakà, l'ultima clausola per chiudere

Il giocatore ha preteso la possibilità di svincolarsi a 65 milioni nel 2010, ma per lui sono ore di tormento: ieri è stato visto piangere a Milanello. Stasera contro la Fiorentina sarà titolare

Ricardo Kakà, fantasista del Milan© LaPresse

MILANO, 17 gennaio - Il Milan ha deciso di dare il via libera alla cessione di Kakà al City. La so­cietà non farà nulla per impedire al suo fuo­riclasse di andarsene alle condizioni (120 milioni di euro) garantite dal club inglese. Lunedì prossimo si deciderà definitivamen­te il destino di Kakà al quale spetta l’ultima parola. È previsto, infatti, un summit al quale parteciperà, oltre al giocatore, anche papà Bosco che si incontrerà con l’ad mila­nista Galliani.

OFFERTA MOSTRUOSA - Nel frattempo il padre-ma­nager del fuoriclasse brasiliano avrà cono­sciuto nei minimi dettagli l’offerta del City che, secondo più di una fonte, può essere definita mostruosa. Nel senso che lo sceic­co Mansour Bin Zayed ha deciso che farà di tutto e di più per strappare il suo consenso, facendolo «tremare» come ha confidato ai suoi più diretti collaboratori. Lo vogliono subito in Inghilterra. Difficilmente l’offer­ta resterebbe in piedi fino a giugno.

UN’ALTRA CLAUSOLA - Il City ha accettato anche l’ultima, decisamente impegnativa, clausola imposta dal milanista: dopo un an­no esatto, cioè nel gennaio 2010, potrebbe liberarsi per 65 milioni di euro nel caso in cui una sola delle sue richieste (scritte e certificate nel contratto) non venisse rispet­tata. In più, secondo il sito Arabian Busi­ness che ieri ha annunciato addirittura la firma di Kakà per il City, Ricky avrebbe ot­tenuto anche un incremento del venti per cento del suo ingaggio che, quindi, non sa­rebbe più di 15 milioni netti a stagione ma di 18, come ricompensa per non avere la possibilità di giocare in Champions League nemmeno nella prossima stagione.

Became:

Milan 17 Jan- Milan has decided to leave the way free for the secession of Kaka to City. The club wont do anything to impede its superstar leaving for the conditions (120 million euro) guaranteed by the engilsh club. Next monday Kaka's destiny will be decided definitively, with the player having the last word. It is foreseen that there will be a summit between the player, his father and Galliani.
Monster offer- In the meanwhile, the father-manager of the brazilian star will know all the details of the city's offer, which, according to more than one source, can be defined as MONSTROUS!. In the sense that the sheik MBZ has decided that he will do everything and more to get his agreement, making him 'shake' as has confided un of his closest collaborators. They want him immediately in England. Its unlikely that the offer could remain until June.
Another clause- City has accepted also the last, most demanding, clause put by the milan player;after one year exactly, january 2010, he can be freed for 65 million euro if any one of his requirements (written and certified in the contract) are not fulfilled. Moreso, according to the site, Arabian business, that yesterday announced the signature of kaka at city, ricky has obtained also an increment of 20% of his wages, that will not be 15 million net per season, but 18, as compensation for not being able to play in the champions league, not even next season.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

better sticky tape than the fifth element?



Debate rages in the important media that talks about relevant stuff worldwide... could this new pretender take the title of sexiest sticky tape from milla jovovich who has held it for a dozen years from her role in The Fifth Element ?
vote now for only 14 euros at; www.gomakeinanarse.co.uk

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Making plans for Micio... ooh oooh oooh


Were only making plans for micio
We only want whats best for him
Were only making plans for micio
micio just needs this helping paw
And if young micio says he's mao
He must be mao
He must be mao in his box
Were only making plans for micio
He has his future as the king of fitzroy
Were only making plans for micio
Micios whole future is sorted coz hes such a handsome boy
And if young micio says hes mao
He must be mao
He must be mao in his box
Micio sure is outspoken
And he likes to mao
And loves to be mao
Micio is happy in his box
Were only making plans for micio

to be sung to the tune of 'making plans for nigel' by xtc

Monday, January 12, 2009

vroom vroom blip blip




and its monkey, followed by prost, piquet and monocycle..
through the chicane...
through the chicane...

Sunday, January 11, 2009

non la conosco la claudia... magari

ieri sera ho guardato il film tu la conosci claudia
e' un'altro film di aldo, giovanni, giacomo, trevor eccc
devo dire che e' anche un bel film
ma mi ha fatto pensare e ragionare del bel paese
infatti ha spinto al superficio delle emozioni
che non mi sentivo da un bel po'
per un grande bel pezzo di tempo
non volevo vedere niente in tv
o film o musica del bel paese
mi faceva troppo male
e' sembrata un crudele ricordo di una cosa persa per sempre
so benissimo che sembrara melodrammatica
ma e' verissimo
poi
come succede a tante mali emozianali nella vita
pian piano e' dissipato
ovviamente ci sono stati degli momenti piu forte
per esempio quando ci sono tornato in vacanza
e appena dopo
o quando ho parlato con un amico al telefono
l'ha portato davanti agli occhi
pero
ieri sera quel filmino me l'ha fatto sentire, sul serio
le strade, i palazzi, le macchine, i bar, il mare, le case
il cibo, la gente (anche quando era ridicolo)
ma sopratutto le ragazze
sono belle, si
ma mi manca parlare, abbracciare, baciare
le parole scambiate, le mode da dire
che qualcuno mi chiamavo amore
o, mi ha detto, dai.. con un sorriso
ovviamente, non e' una cosa razionale
altrimente che mi centrarei?
mi ha provocato una melancholia fortissima
non e' che la vita di la' era perfetto
non per niente
e certo che i miei sentimenti sono romantici
e ci sono elementi fantastici
cio non lo rende meno valido...

sospiro profondo

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Friday, January 09, 2009

everybody needs a home, boy


View Larger Map

Westbury Street, Swansea

A strange house indeed
not strange in the sense of its appearance
it was bog standard in that sense.
3 storey and kinda grim in the typical british sense
a white building without much character
with a square of dirt out the front
like all the other houses in the street
on the bottom floor there was the muscly welsh student dudes room
it was always locked
he had his weights on stuff
he was always in there studying
something rather serious like engineering i recall
or hanging with his girlfriend
then further on there was the anaemic 'living' room
squashed into a small quadrangle
with the even more anaemic kitchen hanging onto the back of it
up the stairs to the first floor
there were two bedrooms
one was occupied by james
he was from the same incy town as catherine
near far off bath
he was a student too
a good guy
but a little on the odd side
he used to play computer games a lot
then the little cupboard room
which lived in for a few months
twas tiny it was
enough room for a single bed and a few shelves
thats about it
i had my jarvis giving the bird poster
and some lovely if inefficient purple paisley blinds that ali made for me
the other bathroom was at the other end of the hall
then the top floor had just the owners room
cant remember his name
also a nice bloke
but decidedly odd
early thirties
he had bought the place and rented out the rooms to help with the mortgage
it had a rather strange environment
rather a sterile place
certainly without the homely touch
everybody kept pretty much to themselves
just the occasional awkward chat in the kitchen
i used to watch telly sometimes
sitting up late half drunk to watch beavis and butthead at 2am
it was probably only 15 mins walk from work and another 5 til the centre of town
a couple of pubs within a 5 minute walk
george used to live there
so what would you expect...?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Puoi dirlo forte!

Nasty mother fucker israeli scumbags....with their filthy godblessamerican inc. backers and other western passive supporters...and tony fucking hypocrite blair... fuck you all

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

I'm a teenage lobotomy...



watched a documentary about lobotomies the other night
rally interesting
some blokeage with a god complex
of course he didnt invent them
but he was american so he MUST have
was convinced that he would be more famous than his dad or somebody
so his destiny guided him towards doing lobotagges in godblessamerica
now half the world sees him as a complete psycho nutmeg
about a quarter couldnt give a shite
and another bunch claim hes just fab
because at the time
in the 1940's or whatever
when everything was black and white
they used to just lock people up if they were a bit fruity
and then throw away the non proverbial key
so this bloke came up with the idea of hammering nails into their eyes or noses
or something
and basically removing bits of their frontal lobes
hence the name
or hacking away at important connections in the brain
it sure settled them down a bit
it made a lot of them pretty zombies
some people died
he ran around the east coast of godblessamerica inc.
and banged nails into anybody and everybody
even some wards of the state
he even did 70 plus lobots in one day
he was on his mission
to bring light to the dark minds of the fruity types
and give them back to their fams
or
was he just a fame seeking buttmunch?
eventually people got the crank with him on the east coast
so he had to bugger off the west coast
and started banging nails in to people all over again
but with the invention of anti depressants
he lost his gig
and nobody wanted to have their fam members nailed senseless any more
probably at least 60000 people got it done to them
poor fuckers
im sure it seemed like a good idea at the time
but it also goes to show that doctors et al dont deserve all that big unquestioning respect
there are plenty of maggoty ones out there
eg this bloke
at least it inspired a cool ramones song with profound lyrics..

Lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy!
DDT did a job on me
Now I am a real sickie
Guess I'll have to break the news
That I got no mind to lose
All the girls are in love with me
I'm a teenage lobotomy

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

definitive proof that steven gerrard is a twat...

A midfield kind of love

Is Steven Gerrard's love of Phil Collins the worst act of footballer fanship?

Steven Gerrard

Steven Gerrard appeals to the Kop for a rendition of In The Air Tonight. Photograph: David Davies/PA

The true shocker about this week's nightclub fracas involving Steven Gerrard wasn't that one of England's squeakiest, cleanest footballers had become embroiled in such a mess, but that the rumble was apparently provoked by differences between the venue's music policy and the footballer's music taste. According to reports, everything kicked off when the DJ refused a request to play Gerrard's favourite record. And who can blame him, when said platter is Phil Collins's Greatest Hits? Gerrard's reputation may recover from the forthcoming court case, but surely Liverpool's finest midfielder will never live down the revelation that behind those stunning 30-yarders lurks a passion for Easy Lover.

Then again, footballers have long enjoyed dalliances with records that would have been crushed by oncoming traffic had they gone any closer to the middle of the road. In the 70s and 80s, stars would routinely answer Shoot magazine's "favourite artist?" question with the words "George Benson" without being red-carded. None other than former England captain Alan Shearer once attempted to cram an Abba reference into every interview during the 1998 World Cup. The Winner Takes It All must have been easy, but Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) would have been a challenge to work in to a conversation with Ray Stubbs. A recent album containing Chelsea players' favourite songs should cause the entire nation to hope they never win the title. After all, who would want to see Frank Lampard hoisting a trophy to the distant strains of Lionel Ritchie's Stuck On You, or (Joe Cole's selection) Spandau Ballet's Gold?

Footballers may be irredeemably drawn to mainstream, easily available back-of-the-taxi mush because they lead very different lives from normal people. From an early age, they are plucked from schools and placed in academies where talk is of block tackles, not Bloc Party. Often living in digs, the youngsters miss out on teenage delights of booze, late nights and punk rock. When I was interviewing players for Leeds United's club magazine, it amazed me how many had never even seen a gig. Some of the players had seen Westlife - but only because singer Nicky Byrne is a former Leeds United junior goalie. Those players who do display a keen interest in music tend to have arrived late to the game, after a regular adolescence. Former Nottingham Forest hardman Stuart Pearce - who is still seen proudly pogoing at punk gigs - was an electrician before he brought uproar to the Forest dressing room with tapes of the Stranglers and the Lurkers. The prince among Manilow refuseniks is former Chelsea and Scotland midfielder Pat Nevin, a fan of the Fall and Joy Division who once professed a liking for obscure Factory Records act Crispy Ambulance and who, legend holds, once asked to be subbed in a Chelsea reserve game so he could go to see the Cocteau Twins playing at the ICA. But such players are rare mavericks, seemingly spared the genetic makeup that ensures footballing talent is accompanied by a gene that makes a player susceptible to Kenny G.

These days, when even your grandmother is remotely cool, dressing rooms still vibrate to the safer end of credible music - Oasis, U2 and the Chili Peppers. In recent years, with the increase in players' wages and the consequent adoption of bling culture, rap and R&B have become staples in football clubs as well as nightclubs. Andrew Cole was a pioneer in this respect, even naming his son Devante after the singer in the US R&B group Jodeci. Some - including Rio Ferdinand and Kevin Campbell - have even started labels, although the latter's 2 Wikid imprint was barely heard of again after requiring an injunction to stop big signing Mark Morrison recording - for another label that is.

But after the disgrace that will now surely hound Steven Gerrard, perhaps players will be more discreet about their private passions. Certainly, they should think twice about uttering the words that should strike fear into the heart of any DJ: "Geezer! Got any Phil?"


Stolen from the www.guardian.co.uk

Dave Simpson 2/1/09

Monday, January 05, 2009

only good things i see

ooh 2009 will be great
really truly fab
it is even a bit hard to sit still thinking about how marvy it will be
bring it on 2009
there will be dancing girls
dancing around the place
there will be good tunes
with fab bands playing for free just around the corner
there will be good times
timing everywhere
there will be a friendzy frenzy
so many friends that i wont be able to see sky
there will be fammo whammo
lots of fam, all being cool and interesting
there will be lots of jobs that pay well on offer
a job here, a job there and big jobs at that
there will be optimal health, just stop me doing starjumps you fuckers
positively bursting at the seems with health
there will be world peace, man
everybody being super nice to eachother
there will be a lovefest, my lover
lots of love and loving up the trees
there will be an almighty understanding
i will understand you and he will understand thee
whats so funny about that?
there will be abundant sex for everybody
sex in satellites, sex in capsules and sex on toast
there will be drugs ahoy bending minds in all directions
good drugs, bad drugs and trippy drugs
in every orificer
there will be rock'n'roll at groovacious levels
rocking down the mountains and rolling over the seas
its what your body needs...
there will be streamers, streaming from the unknown skies above
stream around me my fiends
there will be whizz fizz, whizzing through you and betwixt us
whizzle thar and fizzle fiiii
there will be freddo frogs and all races and creeds
plippety plopping and flippety flopping
there will be barbituates to make us smile when we cant smile no more
in abundant wraps, endless foils, in blister packs, everyone to mine for a barbitchy...
and everybody will lurvvvv the birthday parties..

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Saturday, January 03, 2009

2009 and a happy new anus

so its now 2009
so we should all be gaga about the new year machine
well firstly that can fuck off
I mean its purely abitrary..
maybe some jewish kid was born in ILLEGALY OCCUPIED land in the middle east
(fuck me, havent times changed?!!!)
roughly around then
so?
who gives a fuck?
humans have been all kinds of stuff for hundreds of thousands of years!
with all kinds of objects being worshipped by all kinds of suckers
and so it was that this particular crock had great sales people
so now we have to put up with christian fuckheads
popes, smug fools nearby and general wankers sadly not being run over by large machines
and these christians
(who can fuck off btw)
have stopped human development and enlightenment with any means possible
usually with oppression, death and malice
to hang desperately on to the power they so crave
for closing on 2000 fucking years
so thanks a fucking lot
lets celebrate the birth of an illegal, racialist peasant
who caused hundreds of millions of deaths
and continues to do so today..
so happy new wotsit
as of some howsit
so lets all do the whosit in a circle
and throw whensits at the sacred whysit
........................................................................................................................................................................

Thursday, January 01, 2009

another reason to fucking hate the malign, racist and bogus entity that is israel

Israel's onslaught on Gaza is a crime that cannot succeed

The US-backed attempt to bring Hamas to heel by overwhelming force is in fact more likely to boost the movement's appeal

The Guardian, Tuesday 30 December 2008

Israel's decision to launch its devastating attack on Gaza on a Saturday was a "stroke of brilliance", the country's biggest selling paper Yediot Aharonot crowed: "the element of surprise increased the number of people who were killed". The daily Ma'ariv agreed: "We left them in shock and awe".

Of the ferocity of the assault on one of the most overcrowded and destitute corners of the earth, there is at least no question. In the bloodiest onslaught on blockaded Gaza since it was captured and occupied by Israel 41 years ago, at least 310 people were killed and more than a thousand reported injured in the first 48 hours alone.

As well as scores of ordinary police officers incinerated in a passing-out parade, at least 56 civilians were said by the UN to have died as Israel used American-supplied F-16s and Apache helicopters to attack a string of civilian targets it linked to Hamas, including a mosque, private homes and the Islamic university. Hamas military and political facilities were mostly deserted, while police stations in residential areas were teeming as they were pulverised.

As Israeli journalist Amos Harel wrote in Ha'aretz at the weekend, "little or no weight was apparently devoted to the question of harming innocent civilians", as in US operations in Iraq. Among those killed in the first wave of strikes were eight teenage students waiting for a bus and four girls from the same family in Jabaliya, aged one to 12 years old.

Anyone who doubts the impact of these atrocities among Arabs and Muslims worldwide should switch on the satellite television stations that are watched avidly across the Middle East and which - unlike their western counterparts - do not habitually sanitise the barbarity meted out in the name of multiple wars on terror.

Then, having seen a child dying in her parent's arms live on TV, consider what sort of western response there would have been to an attack on Israel, or the US or Britain for that matter, which left more than 300 dead in a couple of days.

You can be certain it would be met with the most sweeping condemnation, that the US president-elect would do a great deal more than "monitor" the situation and the British prime minister go much further than simply call for "restraint" on both sides.

But that is in fact all they did do, though the British government has since joined the call for a ceasefire. There has, of course, been no western denunciation of the Israeli slaughter - such aerial destruction is, after all, routinely called in by the US and Britain in occupied Iraq and Afghanistan.

Instead, Hamas and the Palestinians of Gaza are held responsible for what has been visited upon them. How could any government not respond with overwhelming force to the constant firing of rockets into its territory, the Israelis demand, echoed by western governments and media.

But that is to turn reality on its head. Like the West Bank, the Gaza Strip has been - and continues to be - illegally occupied by Israel since 1967. Despite the withdrawal of troops and settlements three years ago, Israel maintains complete control of the territory by sea, air and land. And since Hamas won the Palestinian elections in 2006, Israel has punished its 1.5 million people with an inhuman blockade of essential supplies, backed by the US and the European Union.

Like any occupied people, the Palestinians have the right to resist, whether they choose to exercise it or not. But there is no right of defence for an illegal occupation - there is an obligation to withdraw comprehensively. During the last seven years, 14 Israelis have been killed by mostly homemade rockets fired from the Gaza Strip, while more than 5,000 Palestinians were killed by Israel with some of the most advanced US-supplied armaments in the world. And while no rockets are fired from the West Bank, 45 Palestinians have died there at Israel's hands this year alone. The issue is of course not just the vast disparity in weapons and power, but that one side is the occupier, the other the occupied.

Hamas is likewise blamed for last month's breakdown of the six-month tahdi'a, or lull. But, in a weary reprise of past ceasefires, it was in fact sunk by Israel's assassination of six Hamas fighters in Gaza on 5 November and its refusal to lift its siege of the embattled territory as expected under an Egyptian-brokered deal. The truth is that Israel and its western sponsors have set their face against an accommodation with the Palestinians' democratic choice and have instead thrown their political weight, cash and arms behind a sustained attempt to overthrow it.

The complete failure of that approach has brought us to this week's horrific pass. Israeli leaders believe they can bomb Hamas into submission with a "decisive blow" that will establish a "new security environment" - and boost their electoral fortunes in the process before Barack Obama comes to office.

But as with Israel's disastrous assault on Lebanon two years ago - or its earlier siege of Yasser Arafat's PLO in Beirut in 1982 - it is a strategy that cannot succeed. Even more than Hezbollah, Hamas's appeal among Palestinians and beyond doesn't derive from its puny infrastructure, or even its Islamist ideology, but its spirit of resistance to decades of injustice. So long as it remains standing in the face of this onslaught, its influence will only be strengthened. And if it is not with rockets, its retaliation is bound to take other forms, as Hamas's leader Khalid Mish'al made clear at the weekend.

Meanwhile, the US and Israeli-backed Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas has been further diminished by being seen as having colluded in the Israeli assault on his own people - as has the already rock-bottom credibility of the Egyptian regime. What is now taking place in the Palestinian territories is a futile crime in which the US and its allies are deeply complicit - and unless Obama is prepared to change course, it is likely to have bitter consequences that will touch us all.

s.milne@guardian.co.uk

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 A YEAR IN REVIEW

it wasnt too shabby...

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

dungholes, bangholes and bumholes

CORNHOLIO: WHATEVER THE WINNER IS, HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE...

whats your favourite?
surveys across several nations show an alarming trend
29% of all adults surveyed prefered bangholes
82% of all females surveyed preferred dungholes
only 7% of people under 180 cms preferred bumbholes
interestingly,
85% of people surveyed claimed not to have a bunghole
whereas 54% claimed to have dungholes
35% refused to comment on their bangholes
and
in the southern hemisphere
44% of those surveyed thought that bangholes were superior to bangholes
whereas 29% had postcards of dungholes on their fridges
51% said that they vote with their feet, not their bungholes
compared to the northern hemisphere
where 72% said they would cross the road to avoid a dunghole
and 4% said they would cross the road to get to a dunghole
and 31% assumed they had never met any
alarmingly
72% far east asians saw no problems with bangholes running their countries
saying it was better than that pack of dungholes on the other side
105% of pet owners felt that bumholes cause spotted dick
a view shared by only 13% of non pet owners
when faced with the following.
my love is like a red, red dunghole/banghole/bumhole
most surveyed went to the lavatory to have reflect on it
only 25% returned and of those
402% said that red was wildly innacurate
19% said they had made a medical appointment
and 33.3% preferred trotsky
on a nation by nation basis
bangholes were found to be far preferred by italians
dungholes enormous favourites with the english
and bumholes were enormous favourites in suburban areas of australia
the japanese vacillated (enthusiastically) between banguhorrus and dunguhorrus
west papuans preferred to put bones in any of them with no particular preferences
french speaking nations refused to participate because every time an attempt was made to translate the terms 'frenchmen all' arose on monitors
strangely, despite not being present on the list of options
bungholes won overwhelmingly in godblessamerica.inc

Monday, December 29, 2008

shut up, cricks on the radio

theres been quite a bit of crick around of late
i dont know where my hairnet is either
crick on the telly
and crick on the radio
funny old game that crick
especially the one that goes on and on and on
and that italians think is ridiculous
coz it goes on and on and on and on
four five days! for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
to sit and watch on the telly its mostly boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and you cant just sit there and listen to the radio
coz most of the time
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
the people just bang on about random stuff
but they at least have a little dignity
except for that bloke who laughs at his own jokes
who isnt annoying after all
its kind of relaxing
the smatter of patter
the background noise
the clappage
the appeals
the willow on leather bull
its all kind of comforting
and completely summer in osstraya
communque its boring
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
but you just want to know whats going on
its like some kind of very lightweight drug
you have to know whats going on
and when the stuff does actually happen
its just after you get fed up and bog off
or just before you come back to it
even at the cricket in a kick arse big stadium
surrounded by loads of people
its pretty boring
its fun to be there
but its boring
and once again
coz nothing happens
almost never ever
and stuff only happens when you give up to go for a wazz
or to queue for rubbish food that costs too much
and you hear the roar from up the stairs and around the corner

Saturday, December 27, 2008

why boxing day?

in certain parts of the world
the day after ahem 'christ'mas
is called boxing day
because everybody stands about and punches the crap out of each other
very primitive indeed these anglo traditions
in more civilized nations they have far more useful things to do on the 26th of december
in iran its repression day
in godblessamerica inc. its shooting black people day
in somalia its go hungry again day
in ecuador its bunghole day
in nigeria its stalk catherine day
in china its agree with the government day
in canadia its bryan adams pimple day
in ukraine its stand around freezing your arse off day
in thailand its dont slag the king off day
in spain its thththhththt double ththththt day
in scotland its get really drunk and incomprehensible day
in zimbabwe its do as i say or die day
in israel its be arseholes to the indigenous people day
in japan its rewrite the history books day
in colombia its do a few lines day
in jamaica its get high and stabbed day
in any of the stans its ignore russia and hope it goes away day
in new zealand its prattle on about rugby day
in brazil stay out of the favelas day
in russia its one party system day
in ireland its the catholic church sucks day
in morocco its lets steal our neighbours land day
in cuba its isnt fidel still honestly great day
in venezuela its when the fuck will chavez shut up day
in iceland its wha wha happened to the money day
in north korea its when will that prick die day
in rwanda its just dont mention the GENOCIDE day

Friday, December 26, 2008

the 12 days of shitemas

on the first day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nothing coz she aint real

on the second day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the third day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the fourth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the fifth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the sixth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the seventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the eighth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the ninth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the tenth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the eleventh day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickleback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real

on the twelfth day of shitemas
my true love sent to me
12 episodes of big brother
eleven young liberals
ten death threats
nine smashes in the nads
eight gay strippers
seven maggots crawling
six nickelback cd singles
five grams of anthrax
four mormon callers
three bags of sick
two turtle heads
and nothing coz she aint real...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Portfolio eye view of the world - Z

Z
Zambia
Just to the north of zimbabwe in over thar from malawi is zambia, or zam as the funky folk call it. In fact the border that divides it and zimbabwe is the ZAMBeze river-coincidence? And part of that border are the smoke that thunders, the victoria falls, which kick arse and are a fab place to hurl yourself off a bridge with a rubber band attached to yer leg. The capital of Zambia is lusaka and i nearly missed the truck there, faffing about in a market.
travel advice-probably a better place to see vic falls from than over the river, and dont faff too much at markets

Zimbabwe
what no rhodesia? dammit. Zimbabwe is mysteriously on the other side of the zambezi from zambia. It took them ages to get rid of the white fuckers and that lead to a government of corrupt black fuckers led by one mugabe. He has taken zim from being the bread basket of africa, to being the toilet of africa. which sucks arse coz its a truly beautiful place.
travel advice-ahhhhhh forgeddaabowtttit! you wanna die or wot?

Monday, December 22, 2008

Portfolio eye view of the world - Y

Y
Yemen
I know a girl from yemen and its enough to make me right cranky. Yemen is pretty much the southern tip of the arabian peninsula, which bodes badly for not being a shit, backwards, sexist, racist shit tip. women cannot drive cars, most women cannot work, women must marry who they are told, as usual with these islamic ountries they have no rights. Well just fuck off. The capital sanaa has some fab looking buildings that look like they are made of gingerbread.
travel advice-before you even think about it, consider its the home of the bin laden family and read the book 'sold' about how well they treat people.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Monday, December 15, 2008

Portfolio eye view of the world - W

W
Western Sahara
WS should be a nation on the north western atlantic coast of africa. But its not, and why not? well its because of the dodgy moroccan fuckers who want to claim it, without any good reason.
travel advice-go there and send the king of morocco a postcard telling to fuck off.

Wales
Wales, Galles, Cymru and all that jazz. Wales is well cool, so cool that i decided to live there and go back and visit when i can. They have slate mountains, great mountains (apparently), and pretty coastlines. They also have whacky people, too much rugby, lots of beer and fucking stewwwwwwwwwwdents. Prince Chaz isnt really the king of wales, thats tom jones. It only has a population of a few million but the language is still happening despite the english saesnegs trying to kill it off. acher vee and dim smuggy! and long live pbly cym. Notable welsh people include Vegas Bob, Jobo, Lisebo, Tom Jones, that old bird that sings and dylan thomas.
travel advice-getting drunk is very fun in wales, but do try to see some nature instead of getting legless every bloody minute (like i heard some people do...)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I heard it from my friends about the things she said...

she said...
i like tricycles
you are beige
legs dont speak
arent isnt aint
it isnt enough to be gruff
bubble spit splat
no cars go
noses are nose go zones
does my horse look big in this?
im late for work
byzantine labyrinth vivsections
how can i help you?
oh shut it
goddam blue beetles
no no no beanbags seat 2
americans float his bot
get some social
oh youuuu guys
its gone
next time you leave close the door solid like!

she sure does bang on a bit and i have i no idea why they want to tell me about it

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Portfolio eye view of the world - V

V
Vanuatu
Hmm, yes thats vanuatu, not ththanuatu as its known in ththpain. Vanuatu is another island in the souf pacific like and became interesting a couple of years ago because a richard bransons beard started flying there from osstraya. It must have been great news for the tourism industry and everything was most probably quite lovely. Then something bad happend, really bad, beavis went there with leon. They lunched all over the place, underwater, on top of volcanoes and drank kava. Just when it looked as if things were looking up, camel squared went their and showed his wang to everybody
travel advice-dont whatever you do admit to knowing beavis, chemical weapons retaliation is on the cards if you do.

Vatican City
of just fuck off. the vatican is NOT a country, its just a little bit of stolen land run by lying, stealing, murdering fucking pricks with dresses on. the catholic church. I fucking hate the catholic church, they can fuck right off and give that bit of rome back to the bel paese. Notable residents- kiddie fiddlers, torturers, mass murderers and just plain big fucking scam artists
travel advice-firebomb selectively, there is some good art there

Venezuela
Venezuela is a very interesting place indeed. It has ridiculously fab caribbean beaches, fuckoff enormous andean mountains, the highest waterfall on the planet and cheap beer. It was founded by Simon Bolivar-the liberator of the five countries (not to be confused with Simon Portfolio-liberator of the five chickens) and still hasnt got over it. the currency is the bolivar as is half the other stuff around. Due to bad luck, they also have one of the biggest buttholes as president and he is successfully squandering huge amounts of oil money on not much. It must be the most expensive country in latin america except for petrol which is cheaper than milk. Notable Venezuelans include, Vanessa and family and lots of other nice people i met. THTHHTHTHTTH alert, mark 14.
travel advice-take loads of us dollars and change them on the black market, dont spend it all on portugese giblets and getting drunk with catherine in brixton.

Vietnam
Vietnam isnt a real country, it was made up by godlbessamericans inc. film makers. Nah just kidding you are a great reader! it is indochina next to china, laos and cambodia. Apparently its really fab and i would love it. I used to work with a vietnamese guy called dark helmet. After the french fucked off the reds wanted some action so they had some biffo and the godlbessamericans came in and they LOST! Except for Rambo of course, he won. things were grim so lots of people got boats the hell out of there and many came to osstraya.
travel advice- eat, drink and be hairy.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Come see magical lapland winter wonderland! in the new forest Dorset, England...

admire the graceful reindeer...
see the savage huskies chained to their err boxes...
gaze in awe at the touching nativity scene..

And it only costs 25 pounds a head!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/7758112.stm
Click on the pictures to see real entertainment brilliance at work

now this is brilliant, its better than kryal castle, wobbies world, mini europe, coal creek korrumburra and pissweak world combined at twice the combined price!
a shafting for all the family...

Sunday, December 07, 2008

you're a human sacrifice to the goddess of vice


aye those were the daze..
steves gnarli beard machine, looking slick in his purple
marty without his bandido beard looky v pretty and swaying his guitar about...
koppes looking kinda koppesish cool in his reserved way
and jaydee doouuuouughghghgherty with his pony tail
and how about those wavy arm things... cool...
brilliant... watch this and try not to stay fashionable!

Saturday, December 06, 2008

a whole lot of nothing

simon wants me to write him a blog on everything i am going to buy him for christmas.....