howling at the moon

sha la la la
sha la la la la
thats what im doing here...

and im at it again...
sha la la la
sha la la la la

sex, all change!

an acquantaince of this blog has recently done something large
that person had a nip and tuck
not just your standard bit of the belly and eyelid hoiking
oh no
they had a big job done
and my what a big job it was
big job big job big job
this person used to be girl/woman/chick/bird/lady/wench etc
and that's no longer the case
oh no
this person is now a dude/bloke/geezer/fella/chap/boy
oh yes
and this person now does look markedly different
they had their thingies lopped off and donated to charity
they bought a wang and a pair of nads from bangladesh via ebay
got them stuck on with sticky tape
and they had a HAIRCUT!
so now she is a he
and behavioural change is underway
she/he burps in public places
she/he scratched her fake bollocks
she/he drinks loadsa beer instead of girly bacardi drinks
and now she/he is the wussiest/do-goodiest bloke thing walking the planet
YOU know who YOU are...

you are what you eat...

it's people!!!

ireland's handyman

its not easy being irish
things were going alright until the catholics showed up and enslaved their minds and bodies
then those dastardly english show up, invade and fuck the place up royally
they spend centuries oppressing the locals and moving in their own
when the staple crop of potatoes gets footrot
the english dont lift a finger and a million die
another million flee to england, north america and australia
only to be treated as second class citizens
finally after untold suffering the rebellion starts working
the english agree to leave but demand to keep a quarter of the island
leading to further horrible bloodshed and even worse, Ian Paisley
around the beginning of the 21st century ireland was finally becoming a wealthy nation
then an ecomomic bust befell the country and todgered it
staggeringly Ireland got to its metaphorical feet
until Thierry Henry, famous hypocrite showed up...

the salad days

those salad days sure were heady
there is a reason why persons angle spruchkens the world over use the expression
in attedance there were lettuce and tomato and onion!
potato and olives and capsicum!
anchovies and fetta and rocket!
parmesan and egg and alfalfa!
and more besides...
in merely those three weekdays they made some enormous scientific breakthroughs
furthered human understanding
cured seven deadly contagious diseases
contacted extra terrestrial life form
and foretold the impending evil of bucks fizz
the salad days were tuesday, wednesday and friday
the 7th, 8th and 10th of February 1977
(thursday the 9th was disqualified due to a beef related incident)
most people are unaware of this specific information
its available for purchase from this site for three fiddy
little known fact is that there is a similar expression in laotian
'salad with fish sauce days'

vacaciones extranas en margarita

he apenas visto un documental muy estrano
fue la historia de un hotel en la isla de margarita a venezuela
pero no fuera un hotel de lujo normal!
noooooooooooooooooooo!
en este hotel los clientes pagan dos cien dolares por dia
y reciben una novia per los veinte cuatro horas
no solamente una prostituta por unas horas y basta
estan propias novias
obviamente hacen el sexo
pero por el resto de el dia estan como una novia verdadera
se acompanan en las giras turisticas
se relajan en la piscina juntos
se comen todas las comidas juntos
y se bailan juntos en el bar
cuando llega al hotel un cliente todas las chicas disponibles hacen un 'casting'
donde se sientan delante de el nuevo llegado y el elige una
cada dia a los once de la manana el cliente puede cambiar la su muchacha si no es contento con la que tenia
la mayoria de los clientes son viejos, gordosisimos y non atrayentos norteamericanos o europeos
y las muchachas son todas hermosas y jovenes
por supuesto
se ve la vida que tienen las muchachas y que piensan de esta vida y trabajo
pobrecitas....
que estraneza!!!
no es una chiste.. mira-

1950's slang thang

So you thought your granparents always pottered about in the garden and talked about the weather?
it aint so and heres how...
In a reputable publication somewhere out... there
somebody has compiled 1950's american slang
I instead...
have pinched it wholesale from the guardian's website and used it as a blog.
Ha!

BARBECUE;A hot-looking lady.
BOIL MY CABBAGE;Blues slang for sex.
BUCKET OF BLOOD;A spit and sawdust bar.
BUNK HABIT;Lounging around while others smoke opium, and inhaling the fumes.
BUTTER-AND-EGG;Out-of-town sucker, free with his money
CHICAGO OVERCOAT;Coffin.
CHICAGO LIGHTNING;Gunfire.
COLD MEAT PARTY;A funeral.
COMMUNITY JOY RIDE;A druggie party.
DEAD SOLDIERS;Empty beer bottles.
DIME DROPPER;An informer (someone who drops a dime in payphone to call the cops).
FACE LIKE A RUSSIAN FLAG;Embarrassed, ie red.
FLORIDA HONEYMOON;A dirty weekend.
FREE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT;Out of work, unemployed.
HAEMOPHILIA OF THE LARYNX;A blabbermouth.
HARLEM SUNSET;Knife wounds.
HAVE ONE ON THE CITY;Drink some water.
HOT SQUAT/JUICE JOLT;The electric chair.
JACK RABBIT BLOOD;Habitual prison escaper.
KNOW YOUR GROCERIES;Be hip, aware, alert to the situation.
LONGHAIRS;Non-hipsters, squares, lovers of straight music.
MATTRESS ROUTE;Sleeping your way to the top.
MOOSE-EYES;A leering dude.
OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE;Vintage liquor or wine.
PREPARING BAIT;Putting on makeup.
PULLING THE DUTCH ACT;Committing suicide.
RIDING ACADEMY;Brothel.
ROUNDHEELS;Party girl (deriving from a supposed natural ability to regularly fall over backwards).
THE SCRAMBLE EGG TREATMENT;A sex show.
SCREWED, BLUED AND TATTOOED;A wild night out.
SINHOUND;A priest.
SNIFFING ARIZONA PERFUME;Going to the gas chamber.
STRAIGHT FROM THE FRIDGE;Cool. Obviously.
TAKEN OFF THE PAYROLL;Killed/assassinated.
THAT VIBRATES ME;I'm impressed, I really like it.
THROW THAT DIRT IN YOUR FACE;Being buried.
TORSO-TOSSER;Hootchie-coochie dancer, stripper.
VOMIT ON THE TABLE;Speak up.
WEEK AT THE KNEES;Unsuccessful courtship.
YOUR ROOF IS LEAKING;You're a bit crazy.

aprile in novembre

l'altro giorno ho visto aprile
una stranezza
perche era novembre
aprile in novembre
che cavolo?
e'una pelicula di nanni morretti
ma non veramente una pelicula
perche e stata fatta quasi in un senso di un documentario
communque
si trattava della sua vita in una certa epoca
attorno a 1994
il tempo del primo arrivo di berluschifo come politico
ma c'erano anche dettagli della sua vita privata
per esempio la moglie incinta
il nome della bebe
e sua vita professionale mentre stava cercando di girare un film musicale
pero la musicale di panetterie non va bene
quindi smette con quello e inizia un progetto sulle elezioni
nel frattempo faccendo dei discorso alla macchina di presa
per la maggiore parte sulle cose spaventose attorno al berluschifo
e i pericoli e schiffezze che porterebhe con se
un esempio magnifico era la storia di un amico straniero
con cui parlava del berluschifo
e lo straniero, sgomentato del potere mediatica di berluschifo
gli dice 'ma non avete le leggi anti-trust?'
purtroppo tutto e'andato storto
e nanni aveva ragione
gli italiani hanno fatto una stupidaggine tremenda
(il che ripeterebbero due volte ancora!!!!)
e berluschifo ha vinto
e fatto un casino tremendo al bel paese
il resto e' la storia
nanni aveva ragione
il peggio e' arrivato
e tutto questo e' successo in aprile in novembre

lo sapevate?

no? nemmeno io... fucking geniale

well being

some of us are like this froggage
stuck down a well
i know plenty of them
their world view is just a little bit of sky
maybe a cloud drifting by occasionally
a bird ogni tanto
or some kind of insect life
and just maybe
maybe an aeroplane or some such
WELL, at a pinch
these people make up a large part of the population
probably a half
ribbit ribbit
are you one of them?

11 reasons i hate you, bebe

1. Your claims of a knighthood are demonstrably false
2. Your belief in a flying super-serpent that will one day save you is daft
3. The collection of 17 hot pink socks is pointless, why 17?
4. when you lie your nostrils flare up like an epileptic gnu
5. I picked you a flower and you demanded a savannah
6. The way you do that thing you do
7. You had carnal relations with John Flynn's wife
8. You give me fifty-seven flavours of hell, without a scoop
9. You think coldplay are even remotely interesting
10. You think that meet and greet involves steak and tears
11. Your eyes are a window to your colon

the mother of all spotty bottys

this is a storm on jupiter, three times the size of earth and has been kicking arse for at least two hundred years, try to find a teacup for this fooker.
it goes around and around and then around a bit more... brilliant!

misadventure on the high seas

Some seas that got rather high, yesterday




the total of postage published in october just passed was pretty damn low
it might even be said that it fucked the average
if you were some kind of potty mouth
but
there is a valid and thrilling excuse for this poor output
as the majority of the research staff at limebeaver inc have been seafaring
fully occupied in hoisting sails
jibing to the aft
walking the excitement plank
buccaneering to the stern
getting off with tom the cabin boy
frigging in the rigging
as such there has been little time for the exacting research required for every posting here
even the seemingly utterly half-arsed posts here entailed hundreds of woah-man hours work
so its tricky
tricky tricky tricky
to do so
whilst fighting off evil merchicks with rocket launching breasts
jousting swashbucklingly with sword fishies
psycho killer whales with nuclear tipped arses
and evil pirates with poisoned hooks and homing zyclon x parrots on their shoulders
saying things like 'SQUARK who's a doomed motherfucker then'
so its been tricky and kind of hard to get to the bodlean library or the aztec camera
to research studiously
with much brow furrowing
encyclopedia browsing
and furtive snogging between behind the microfiche machines
the latest reports are that the bad ship Billions of Bilious Lime Blistering Barnacle Beavers is lost amongst the myriad of ever morphing channels north of canadia in search of the north west back passage
death, disaster and doom are presumed immenent
in the meantime inbetween time
a rat with epilepsy will be occasionally dropped on a keyboard
to provide the occasional drivel you may witness in the coming months

11 reasons i love you, bebe

1. your perfume makes me think of grief
2. you don t deny the armenian holocaust
3. you dont know how to make anzac biscuits
4. you make me smile, you make me laugh, give me your autograph
5. you never slept with lumiere
6. you never invaded russia in the winter
7. neither of your legs contain cheese
8. you know what a dead cat is
9. your eggs are always on the wrong side
10. you dont ask interpersonal questions
11. you dont tell lies about your past unless you are paid for it

sounds fishy...

Chakra-One of the seven centers of spiritual energy in the human body according to yoga philosophy. From ancient sanskrit...

chakras hey?
they are real then?
they play a vital part in our wellbeing do they?
not just some made up nonsense that sad hippies cling to?
it must be said the indians have been come up with some good stuff over the millenia...
i quite dig yoghurt
but placing my hand on my sternum and breathing deeply?
how exactly is that going to make me super-well?
there is a lot of horsehit out there in the 'alternative' medical world...
pyramids and crystals
vibrating tree gourds
trips to lourdes
donkey testicle icecream
reptilian overlords from outer space..
far be it from me to poo poo thousands of years of learning
but the distance is inexorably reducing
....
i have a suspicion that a chakra is really just an iced vovo with a jelly bean on top...

football? rigged? NEVER!

whats this?
your team needs another nine goals to win promotion?
there are only nine minutes remaining in the game?
ridiculously impossible!
but wait
this IS Brazil...

think you are looking a little stupid?

well you are right!

But you dont look half as daft as Chalio!
Chalio is/was a major entertainment figure in Guatemala and is possibly the most gormless appearing creature to walk the earth...

try guessing what he's thinking, it's not hard, nothing!

columbus=priest=cura=gold=duck=jehovis

Leon had something strange below him
you should have told him no
Oh jehovis, what you doing with that fro?
Now lunching pyres, midnight fryers
Things you should not know
Oh Jehovis, what you doing with that fro?
You don't suppose there'd
Be room in here somewhere for another bike
I think I just need
Someone's bikes space to reassure me
I don't blame shez or E, and I don't blame myself
Waiting for the smaller hair
It's going to sprout somehow
Oh Jehovis, I wish that you could just say 'ciao'
We don't posses a single micio here
Or mono-brow
Oh Jehovis, I wish that you could see the mao
You don't suppose there'd
Be room in here somewhere for another bike
I think you just need
Someone's friends to commit you
I can't change that awful smell, I can't change myself
Nige had something strange about him
He should have napalmed young fro
Oh Jehovis, what you doing with that fro?
You don't suppose there'd
Be room in here somewhere for another bike
I think I just need
Someone's therapist to reassure me
I cant help but blame you, but I don't blame myself
Jehovis

sick of being a monoglot?

so you wanna speak another language?
you wanna bang on in mandarin?
you wanna blurt out innapropriate things in catalan?
you wanna rant in quecha?
you wanna mass debate in welsh?
you wanna blather in xhosa?
you wanna you wanna you wanna etcetera?
its now sublimely easy, with limebeavers patented shiny shoed go fuck yourself method!
with our remarkable new technology we will get you boring others senseless with your ill-informed opinions in the language of our choice in no time!
but wait!
theres more!
our super efficent and efficacious methods will not only get your bigoted ideas across in the language etcetera, but it will also make your schlong longer *(if you dont have one, tough shit),make your hair shinier* (could be absolute crap), make you infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex *(not that theres anything wrong with that) and make your buttocks seven times firmer and eleven times smellier!
HOW!!!??? you scream
its easy, just send loadsa wonga in unmarked, mixed notes to the Limebeaver Intellect Advancement Rogering Service (LIARS) in your nearest regional centre that doesnt suck and we will send you our unique, kick back department of trousers device, really bloody soon, honestly!
if you dont partake in this offer we will send round our fatties and break your china doggy collection, TWICE!

she's your wife now dave...