the smugma conspiracy

one fine morning awoke a big haired git
he stared out the window
and wondered how it had come to pass
he never had felt any great love for her
in fact
he really didn't like her at all
and now he awakes to find himself married to mob
how did he,
an avid bitteriser
and lazy snake charmer
end up in this commune of toothy admiration
last time he checked he was single
big haired and butt fancy free
now he was number 6 on the rota
expected to filful he stud duties
lick the ears
polish the knee caps
and feed her tidbits of her own goodnesshood
'my, you look well informed today'
'you surely are the best intentioned of ladies'
'your knowledge of indonesia is unsurpassable'
'how pleasing it is to provide you with arses milk'

had he been drugged?
had he been fisted?
he sure looked stupid
and he wasn't smelling too good either...

looking down he saw a body that looked like his
but it was covered in orange
a painter he was, but this ?
what strange rituals of lovemaking had he been performing?
he only knew that his rear end hurt
that in itself was no big news
his feeble mind screamed and flashed with images
elbows elbows elbows elbows
teeth teeth teeth teeth

what life was this to be?
indentured and bonded
in the service of her majestic horridness
fetching, pausing, pondering and spawning

the screams of dozens of the little ones ripped his brain open
he no longer knew or cared which belonged to him
if ownership had not been outlawed
'we are all in this together, my cherubs'
a slave to hate
how could he break this chains
must he end his years in this ceaseless rutting?

Kaiser stihl

Dearly bedraggled
we are gathered where today to mourn the passing of a great man
at least i believe he was a man
he may have been a woman
sometimes it is hard to tell
i mean, have you seen some of the trans-cendental beings?
how many balls of fur?
saturday night at the greyhound here we come...
but this is an auto-digress
Franz walked among us
or more aptly perhaps,
scuttled amongst us
he never judged
he took refuge under sofas
he chewed his way out of devious traps
he chewed the fat and passed the time with his trusted confidante, Josef
he provided love and companionship
for strange space beings
with odd shaped paws and lacking in fur
with strange gangly bodies and limbs
he passed his time with them
in their varied forms
he humoured their whims
and played their games
for he was a truly tolerant being
he was taken from among us in an untimely manner
his mighty system of organs
proving not so mighty after all
leaving tears behind veils
aching stomachs
and a small
unquenchable hole in worlds
his straw may be trod by smaller beings now
humbly fulfilling duties
not seeking to replace him
but wishing for love and lettuce
in flourishing character
but Franz shall forever be
no organiser of Germany 2006

I didn't do IT

the drugs don't work
that's what Richard "I'm so bloody clever" Ashcroft said
but he also said that the Verve were "the best band on the planet"
big nosed wanker...
it would seem to me the drugs do work
I saw it on tv
it must be true
they make you happy
whilst they kill you
then when they wear off
they make you horribly unhappy
and you just wait for the next time around
itching, scratching (could be eczma)
yearning, tearing
hurting, freezing
WHEN?!!!

It must depend upon what effect you were hoping for...

Trainspotting, Requiem for a Dream, Spun...
You gotta admit
it looks like fun
but i shall do just fine thanks
sticking to the legal cocktail for the minute
the slippery slope don't work either
what a load of bollocks
theories dreamed up by tossers that have never tried any drugs
hang on?
caffeine is a drug
tobacco is a drug
alcohol is a drug
all those prescription numbers are drugs...
what's the difference?
it's not like tobacco or alcohol never killed fucking millions of people
take a trip around the coca museum in La Paz, Bolivia
a short educative (shock!) course on why what is what
when in doubt blame the americans...
still, the face of Shaun William Ryder or Keef Richards should be enough...
wwwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

worst blog ever

what do you do when your brain dont work no more?
write a crap blog....
i doubt anybody knows the difference
i doubt you could bite the snark
we open byzantium to the saracens
we close constantinopolis to salaadin
you sniff what you believe unsniffable
you blink and you drink of your own accord
stupid, uninformed, curiosity
all those words mean nothing to the man on the corner stripe
his red bottom ballooning high to signal his intentions
he's no buffoon
but he HAS seen the book
the book that holds the answers
the answer for which hundreds of thousands have died
the platinum snuff box of life
where the gods sewed their seeds
not like THAT
fancy sketching a mental picture of gods whacking off in whose camper
!!!
this is not that kind of blog
pervert
we fell
he fell
they fell
into your hell
my mind twirls and whirls
cedars of lebanon
tiskity boo
here we go....
dook dook dook

magnetic stripperbot

a lovely crunchy old theatre
some crunchy old blokes
a very crunchy Lemmy handle-bar moustache
comfy seating,
if a little off the sideways
huuuuuge speaker stack
belting out the sounds
a merch stand bulging with goodies
more than any sad bastard could deal with
great big posters with dingoes and pyramids
dashing beefeaters off down the esplanade
collecting plugs for the greater good
supports were great
sure...
the main act struts on
another mind blown
another ecstatic crowd enraptured
old groovers
young grooviners
wow and wow
the best icecream ever...
the best deep fried mars bar
the best haggis wrapped up in vine leaves
superlatives and superlaxatives
how does that man groove so...
rock star posie
after decades of stillness and role play
play that bass
right out of its case
what the hell was Mary thinking?
she really should wax her kneecaps
super set
old greats,
really old greats
not that old greats
new greats
greater than 19 stacks of great-o-matic
heel to toe
every time round is a treat
could never have been
foresight is the word for it
dancing the line between providence and hindsight
and it DOES get better
hallelujah (without the drugs)

and if you enjoyed that diatribe...

you could even pick up my favourite shopfront
and this delightful retractable bungwipe
and here he is...
say hello to beardvis
"hello beardvis"
enough about me, let's talk about me
"hello beardvis"
why all the effort and stress about your royal whiffiness?
"say hello to beardvis, beardvis"
"hello beardvis"
man, you really need to open up your mind
"ciao beardvis"
any decisions yet to be made?
"check out my new beardvis"
i can't see any beardvii
"watchu talking 'bout beardvis"
settle down beardvis
"take my bunghole seriously, dammit"
i can't see the relevance of your bunghole to this blog
"I have no bunghole"
it was your idea to drop the paranormal in the lavatory
"beards to you all"
I never knew that was important...
"beards a hoy hoy"
now moving right along....
"my almighty bunghole knows no bounds"
late in the day....
"beards are us"
I'm thinking of you
"i've got a lovely bunch of beard-me-nots"
so long.... so long.....
"your bunghole will know no fear after a ride through my mighty organs!"

Heime Henderson

I have a friend called Heime Henderson

Man - he is cool
fear not if his bottleshop changes colour before your very eyes...
it changed before my very house!
all tyring aside... the cable unwound and the walls became holy
shrines to buffoonery
playing darts, drinking beer with lemon wedges,
burning telephone books in shopping trolleys
cuttings on your knees
late night ranting
rent paying chicanery
lemons rolling under cars
kicking in the rickings
you know, the bigger they lunch
the harder it is clean up after them.
all the greats...
still no sign of Nicholas Parson's nose...


I sometimes worry that he won't have the gear I need
or that I won't be cool enough for his little bottle shop

But he does, and I am

It's OK

And it always will be

:-)

!!!!!

we better become more friendly with Heimi Henderson

Erikulo

I really like toast
It's one of the most versatile foods there is
You can have it wityh vegemite
or eggs
or tuna
or cheese
or eggs
hmmm.....

What's important is to drink limoncello before...
oggi e' il giorno piu bello della mia vita
ho inculato un diavolo tasmaniano per la prima volta
mi ha morso malissimo... ma sono contento lo stesso
e' questo la cultura per cui ho fatto 30 ore di volo...
adesso torno a casa
love Erik

loot loot thomas goes round there

loot
loot
lut
lut
loot
lut
lut
wait for it....
wait for it....
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahah
that was pretty funny
loot loot
lut lut
switches bitches with hitches in their britches
tunnel tunnel
bridge bridge bridge
she's infallonable
batman is not buttman
breakneck speed
lut
lut
loot
loot
nad scathing
straightline flower power
up and over
in and under
wwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
stop before the car
and
loot
loot
who is this man?
who cares?
it's his package that counts
my cake spells disaster
lut
now, it's over to me...

who was that fat bastard?

was it just the other day?
the battle of trafalgar took on less than epic proportions
the toilets in the station were open
the toilets in the station were clean
ned kelly became a man meal
but even he could not replace a fat bastard
paul kelly tried, but he was just gristle
dan kelly moved in his own groove
but his fringe encumbered his progress
i never knew i wanted a fat bastard
i never knew a fat bastard could be so satisfying
hopes high
parking in the parking
not yet camping in the you know what
screeching to the heavens
(sure they are)
good woman, I demand a fat bastard
(not knowing what this mysterious object was)
only to be cut off with news that no fat bastard was available
is there a christian businessmen without testicles meeting in the town hall? i meekly enquired
No, she proclaimed... they were in demand
the younglings rounded them up around morning dinner time
only now realising the folly of my ways
i cut a hasty retreat with a nose bag o ned
and had to make do
as day turned to night
the beasties in the easties circled
the night sky churned
day scorched holes in cows
night fell and became the great equalizer
horizontally challenging
so on and so forth this cycle continued
pushing back ladies' skirts
rubbing wrong rhubarbs
until the day of the fat bastard came
it didnt begin with great fanfare
tickertape parades?
no way josebot
it dawned as inevitably as the desire on a billboard
would the fat bastard bare his wares?

zanzarra on the outer

the night was very soft
excrement smeared on the walls
landlords and landwhores?
a beautiful glow
turn down the candles
look up and admire the handiworks
of nobody, or nothing
Capella Sistina this aint
you may stay more than five minutes
you can breathe without recrimination
the Papa can't fleece you out here
regardless of his views on inferior belief constructs
if only he didn't matter
get comfortable
slip your boots off
silence the heathen hair brigade
hear the tsk tsk tsk
of the disapproving fellows
in their last desperate moments
what a way to go....
the drugs are running low
opportune moment to polish your red one
and miss the point completely
rehash the hashpipe
weezer never really rocked my boat
feel the relax
wiggle your toes in tune with that bloke in the grass
it's big
it's wow
it's now
it's midweek meat market
your exposed surfaces are just begging for it
couch your bows
hissing and a-crunching in the dark
would freak me if i were Belgian
but no,
bite, sting, punzecchiare, eat, suck, steal...
bastardi!

no monkeys on me

Jarvis day at the observer website...
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/omm/0,,1033618,00.html

lazy not getting lazier...

clock radio blues

kerrryn was coldf
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kfjsdl;kjf;laskjf;dlsfjk
was his agog..
in this way]

kfj;aslkdjfal;kjfsd;lkjf;sdlkjfsdl;kjf
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;sdkljfal;kjf;dlkfjal;sdkfjdkl;jf;sdkljflsd;kfj
sodfj;laskdjf;asdkljfl;sdkjfdjf

hex dump me.... un my7 sejmemldlsjfdkljf
semene semeraealk;jfsdl;akjfl;sdkfjsl;d
oh know thasts lite a
shyedehgfdfj;aklsjfl;dksjfl;dkjf;ldkjf

wkfusdkl;jfadfjk
pixxx]
oh tkldjf;akljf;sdlakjf;aslkjdf;sdlkjf;askldjf;sldkajfl;sdkfj
loooks like this...
lsdklkasjf;dklsjf;alskdjf
dfkja;lksjfd;ls
ghevais way gay... wahts shall conoc bre


dfa;dsfklajsdkl

misogyny has a wide butt

this morning i woke up with a camel in my bed
and he woke up with a nad in his shed of souvlaki juice
so he had to shake out his boxer shorts to be rid of the little green shreds
one of them was called Thomas, he was very fresky that fine morning
he had a poncho for little green bits, crazy old women and men called Beavis
beavis, never let it be said...
anything at all really
yeah, coz then the goat sold his shares in bastardi corp as the price fell when it was revealed that the humour wasn't worth her whotsit
which is odd, because her whotsit usually fetches such a great price
gteat was an author, most illbred and has swarthy fotches of oil were highly woven and sought after when he must ruck to the lavatory
does anyone else think this blog doesn't make sense??
it's almost as if it was written by two different people, every second line is so different!
banana, banana, banana
apricot, apricot, apricot
she knew when she listed the above fruits that it would be found in breach of the lavatory draft 7 mix and feared the awesome place where one shits
but lavatory draft 7 mix plays the best of old and new rock, and if you listen to all our hits and remember every 14545262 song you could win, win, WIN!!!!
oops my vocoder just fell out.. whats a vocoder?
well, when a mummy and a daddy vocoder love each other very much........!!!!!
what? they buy a house and demand the beavii/rats get driven into the streeets and wonder whyyyyyyy?
obviously. It's the latest version of middle class angst
oh, i only know how to watch the simpsons
connor only knows how to what the mimons...... oh, and futurlama
oh the fair maiden said oh.
oh , what shall we do,
crap in your blacmange
or be really grown up and call everyone bwana?
or just call everyone
on the phone
like a gteat big fucking grown up
hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
the gteat family is one of the longer read lines in the country of frottshire
they all knew the gteats as great masters but few knew of their PENCHANT
but in fact the ponchios are a very prominant brighton family!
or at least so said esther
or elspeth
i can't remember now!
anyhoo - i've got my M16
i once spent an omelette with a bloke that reckoned his cousin't friend's wilderbeest ate at MI5's cafe
Beavis - SMUG ALERT!!!!!!!!!
how about the word smirk?? You havne't said that yet????
importantly at the start of this campaign, rear admiral Kevin knew where her butt sat
i like a woman who knows where her butt starts and finishes!!!
or maybe 4!
hey know, hey know, hey know
hey knonny know
hey low brow!
hey hey hey now
the following will be really meaningful: ".... (lengthy pause)....it's better to never ever anything ever than to die on your knees". And I mean that!
In the nicest possible way
i don't want to talk about what died on my knees
i thought you'd already had that surgically removed???
or most of it at least
there will always be the memories
and the remnant DNA
ummmmmmmmm - how about that reggae then??
i really quite like that guy with the dread locks
i think he is from the sadam
you know, like bob marley
or eddie grant-veder
where does the term reggae come from?
is it a carabbean word for dreadlocked drug fiend?
or just for really relaxed music?
or maybe it's a german word
for "OK, we'll tolerate you, but only if you bring the hooch"????
anyhoo - i really think the maraccas should be used more in the reggae

that drunken bloke was....

One minute you are wiffling in your capsule
things are getting a bit grim
the smile is wearing a bit thin
things not working out
people not pedalling fast enough
mental jumping up and down won't force the octagonal peg
i'm not disappointed in myself...
darn darn darn
then, bokko
let's make the most of the host
some white line fever
some gangrene hunters
a big ole bag of blah blah blah
not to be confused with rant rant rant
or sit right down and whittling away-* at chairlandia
when did everything become so bearable?
that funny side wasn't visible before
those were flailings
not necessarily failings....
here comes the bride
all dressed in helmut
playing luv thy neighbour
yootha more teeth (and glug glug)than most people
george more cardigan (and comb over) than most people
no racist stereotypes out of this rampart of goodness
no fish and chip bitch from ipswich
although there is a Bob from Billericay

hey there,
what's you name?
consider yourself serenaded

so the savior shows his pretty face
gets out his pretty tummy
and before you can say 'faisel is a key religious figure in Islam'
the scenery swims and modestly changes just outside your line of sight
who is this man?
this bar was never so broad
floundering over furry tables
and it's off to the tired old philosophy shop for a new 'un
life changing moments may happen
someplace else
to some bodies unknown
make decision and put your sorry corpse up for crucifixion
stick by your hum guns
wear the scorn with a foolish grin
that drunken bloke was her!
that drunken bloke was me!
as there may just be a two headed love beast just outside
or there may just not ...

Bruce is never going to call

so we sit about and waste our lives
pretending that bruce will call
we all know that he won't
he can't even use a telephone
and his legs are all wobbly
last time bruce called
18 people in azerbaijan died
of shock
so it's best that we sit about waiting for bruce to call
he might have something important to say
he probably won't
but you never know
just in case bruce might call
the heavens got moved sideways
coz it seemed that bruce might call
bottom cheeks clenched and unclenched
in hope
that bruce might call
sooner rather than later
bruce might call
and leave the world a stranger
but better place
if, on the very, very, extremely odd chance
that bruce might call
we shall rejoice and throw our variegated scarves in the air
dance in circles, holding hands and making sweet passionate love
embracing our neighbours as if they were at one with our inner beings
take that goat,
float that boat
meet that smote
trim that moat
learn that rote
then,
on the other hand
if bruce MIGHT NOT call
well that would be a completely different set of circumstances...

Ian Rush of blood

Put me behind the wheel baby
give me old folk music
watch me rev off into the distance
Leonard Cohen thrills me
some other moaning old geezer titillates me
make short work of all the greats
indicate? phooey!
accelerate? bollocks!
brake? in yer dreams!
gesticulate wildly? Not bloody likely mate!
park? what's that, some croquet pitch?
reserve? I can't even spell it!
glaring at YOU? I don't even have it in me!
bang angrily on the horn? That bus never stopped near me!

cover great distances in the time it took Vasco Da Gama to establish a football team?
cruise under bridges without ducking my head?
make sweeping generalisations about the human race?
wonder what David Coulthard was thinking in the tiny bit of second he passed over that spot?
admire the clock pensively and wish it were dashier?
enjoy a meeting of minds with the colour white?
shamelessly fill in space of a blog?
notoriously short attention spa

sleeping in the reaping

Ciao Mondo,
today i woke up and i had forgotten how to speak English
I walked around
scratched some things
looked at the fridge
nicked my fine booty
skulls and bleached bone bags
and left it in the bacterium

So, the inspiration was left behind without any perspiration
try eating your pizza without learning something
defiles my gainsaying
wander down a street
wonder what on earth is going on
who are all these people?
what are those beer shaped sweeties in my dreams?
will the young man find out?
what is going on here?

Back to the land of noddy
pictures and colours
turn into spelling mistakes
a beautiful bright day
in somebody elses garden
small parcels of drugs
furtive looks
what does this mean?

normal service may yet resume
a free to a good home story
move your wig
sitting around the fire
3 dimensional wafting in the wind
valid excuses are no longer blocking up the hallway
gonna go wait for the man
not enough dollars in my sweaty hand
at what point does the waking world meet the other?

burning, looting and driving taxis about

screw you Mr Cab driver

The day before yesterday...

Yesterday is the past to the future
the future will be tomorrow.
The church is for today.
Tomorrow never comes
The night falls to another day
which will be tomorrow day.
Simonopolous lives for the past
A few days ago is too late.
Always move forwards & onwards
Progress is to move two steps forward & one step back
Back to front is inside out,
white will be white & black is evil.
Futurarama is cool, tomorrow..
Live for today not yesterday :)
The day after tomorrow is too far away
Just around the corner,
the corner to Camelopoulous..
Now, the day before yesterday
is forgotten.
Enjoy your day & see you tomorrow....