What THEY dont want you to know!

we are forever unearthing connections in the modern world to long lost civilisations.

unacknowledged hints of past advanced societies that were lost to time

were there really

 a lost civilisation of atlantis

lost stone citadels under the waves off the coast of kyushu

grand cities under what is now the black sea

which were washed away as the rising mediterranian burst the hellespont

the remnants of a mighty denisovan empire in the himALayas

which come to us via stories of glimpsed yetis above 6000 metres 

which had flatulence powered catamarans

marjoram juju telepathy

or

astral projecting kitty litter

today we bring you another such mystery!

that might have graham hancock spunking in his cookie dough

IS THERE A LOST MYSTICAL CONNECTION BETWEEN

the hot pink clefted cranium of tony harrison from the mighty boosh, early 21st century laaahndaaahn

AND

tang era headware, china 600-900 ce

WHAT ARE VINCE AND HOWARD HIDING?!?

mainstream media is silent

the knights templar are suspiciously non commital

the vatican wont take a position

nasa are too stoned from space hash cookies (they just giggle uncontrollably)

and 

the illuminati have turned off their answering machine!

you join the dots!

what did the kaiser keep up his sleeves?

ellbogans!

spot the twat

hint. its the one sulking because he didnt get first prize

cheddar man... you're the answer ...That makes my questions disappear

more than 100 years back
some human remains were found in a cave
in the zomerzet region of engerland
in recent years whizz bang dating technology has taken leaps and bounds
and after lots of extremely clever people testing
(between drinking scrumpy and calling people their lavas)
with extremely clever machines
they established that he was from the mesolithic period
he lived and died approximately 10000 years ago

but to the great distress of little englanders everywhere
and the delight of the appalling tabloid trash media
his physical appearance would have been very different to what they had hoped for
in their tiny bigoted minds

nooooah
he wasnt gammon coloured at all!

he was all cheese...

convicted paedo filth fucks young boys, then the system, and wins...

australian bishop and CONVICTED rock spider pell got away with it
despite the fact that he was UNANIMOUSLY CONVICTED of molesting 2 young boys
his hugely paid lawyers
most likely funded by the catholic cuntery association, vatican city, italy
(there is no nation of the vatican, its dodgy status was a gift by a FASCIST dictator)
he got away with it on a technicality
not because he was innocent
but on a procedural point
the richest organisation in the world
with a spectacular history of protecting thousands child abusers the world over
(and causing misery and suffering for hundreds of millions)
by the hand of a court which was tilted
by politically inspired appointments of fellow religious filth travellers in australian politics
with appointments which were sympathetic to their backwards, hateful and descredited world view
such open sympathizers included former australian prime minister
and many other conservative establishment figures with enormous power
in the stinking corrupt medieval backwater shit swamp of terra australis

money and power 'trump' justice
and those scum in power will do ANYTHING they can get away with to protect what they have and their own, regardless of how despicable they are.
a megatonne of fuck the catholic church
fuck sideways with a jackhammer this society of ignorant, avaricious pricks who electorally condone this
and fuck even more cataclysmically the scumbags who use their inherited privilege to protect it.

get your freak off, right off

well that certainly frightened the excess hoarded toilet roll out of me
(i also wanted to severely smack the kid around the chops, but thats not criquette)

eine lektor deutsche? das ist wunderbar

das ist gut

ja

wilkommen

guten tag

nein

das ist nicht scheisse

alle ist klar?
ich nicht spruken ze deutsch
bitte

mein hut der hat drei ecken

drei ecken hat mein hut

gott in himmel!

california uber alles

blixa ist schoen

blixa nicht habe deiner kleiner schuer
dumkopf unt arschlock
sacher torte unt schwarzveld

das boot ist grosse

milch kinder garten

ein schwei drei

sechs seben acht neun

elf zwelf

danke schoen

braun hund

bundesrat unt bundesliga

guten arben

jung frau

mein herr

klasse strasse

sturm unt drang

unter den linden

lufthansa meine liebe

charlottenberg unt freiburg

alexanderplatz

raus haus claus!

schloss grosse

wannasee wechsel

einster zender neubauten

stefan effenberg

klimt in cochem

ich bin ein berliner

st pauli

enschuldigen

schadenfreude

bier unt bierhoff

bayerisch unt borussia

chuus meine freunde

guten nacht

e puoi dirlo forte fish fucker!

happy april fish!

si si

e tutta stata una stronzata

l'universo ci ha beccato alla grande!

non ce un crown virus

non ce trump

non ce brexit

non ce bolsonaro

non ce scummo e amici

non ce duterte

non ce orban
non ce salvini

non ce modhi

non ce putain

non ce maduro

non ci sono sti deficenti religiosi come aiotollahs

o quelli stronzi di daech ecc

non ce xi the poo
non ci sono sta famiglia saud di merda

non ci sono ladri in potere dappertutto in africa

ne in asia centrale

non ci sono grande corporazione che rubano dei poveri

non c'erano i roghi micidiali

ne siccita ovunque

non ci sono corali morti 

e non ci sono fucking malattie di merda

ecc fucking eccetera

e si..

l'abbiamo boccato bene con scherzetto

these lucky fuckers saw big cats fighting in Ranthambhore National Park

yes they did

with their own ojo ojo ojitos

how fucking magnificent is this?

when i went to ranthambore

super excited at the possibility of seeing the huge stripey bastards

i did two four hour safaris there

and saw

approximately

ningun tigres

fucking buuuu!

(tambien si dije a todo el mundo que no importa.. bla bla bla
y si yo quisiera ver uno cien por ciento garantizado
yo hubiera ido a un zoo
bla bla bla
me quede decepcionado y
buuu lo mismo)

well that was an infierno of a day...

 

rubber johnny & and nobody's getting married

well old sexy suit man robert palmer wasnt too shabby
he always looked sharper than the top 4 finishers in the mr sharp thing contest 1927
(which was sponsored by obsidian bovril)
and THOSE lady drones in addicted to love
certainly made impressionS the teenage world over

but the wonders of community radio bring us
(for the bazillionth time)
an interesting sideways twist
with extra traghetto!

whats she building in there?

is it a machine to break the chain on her leg?

or an olfactory device to block out the smells and sounds of the other beasties?

or is a protection device for the malditos gringos wanting a pic?

one can only hope she was content.

ecco dove siamo arrivati - Fuori Dal Tunnel el el el (big fucking magari)

(anche se il tunnel di divertimento mi manca da una vita)

monkey see monkey do-ont?

"when i grow up, im going to be fucking huuuge and pink and millions will worship me..."

you go sugo...

whats your favourite racetrack in japan?

mine is in miyagi province

monkey was... irrepressible

well kinda
his toes do need the occasional touch up

he was fucking big
and fucking pink
and he wasnt wrapped up in chinese buddhist mythology
was he?
and certainly not in the comedy genius of japanese tv retelling

but you never know
unless you are skyclad and have a beard down to next tuesday
but i certainly wont
and he certainly was involved in hindu mythology!

hes hanuman
much better than bat, super or spidertwat
or any other franchiseman

and from his peak at over 2500 metres in the himalayas
he can see eeeeverything
(but hes the only one that fucking can)

well, this is entertaining...if a tad morbid

this must be the place...

40 years later (give or take)

gracias abuelos mios

i love it when the pub-history nexus comes together..

well fuck me sideways with a goating proddage
for a period in the 90's
thats the last millenium
you young neer do well chilluns
one of my fave pubs was the great britain hotel
the geebee to you hippies
just near east richmond station
(where trains never stop like that japonese station, but far grottier and much less zen)
it was wonderfully melby
all stickiest of carpets
dingy retro couches
brilliant tunes
and that fucking daytona racing car game
that you sat in
and shook your pissed skinny arse all over the place
and shouted
'LAST LAP'
at you in a comedic american accent at you!
(smaller fucking world)
which seemed sooo fucking technologically beyond!

there was even that dodgy 'club' bit downstairs
where you could dance to truly good tunes
and shout banalities at girls
and it was full of
utterly random alternatypes
and legendary bands
kim salmon with his platform red shoes
the man who created swamp
which begat grunge
blasting your tiny brains to pieces
for fucks fucking legendary sake!

hell they even had their own beer
called
'piss'
which was quite an accurate name
and you could get great pizzas from across the road delivered to munch down on

i once stole a bar mat in a drunken frenzy
probs lining a box somewhere dark and mouldy for the last 20 years

but we often wondered aloud
(and slurred)
who is that bloke on the sign?
the bar bird probably told us
but it never meant anything
young, stupid and pissed as we were


cut to presentish day
more than 25 years later
boning up (mmm heh heh)
on post independence india
watching all kinds of docos
and up pops the story of dr bhimao ambedkar

THAT FACE LOOKS FAMILIAR!

who played a large part in drafting the constitution of the worlds biggest democracy
patent pending
and was a dalit
and rose beyond his untouchable beginnings
to become a hugely influential man
and inspired millions of dalits to achieve success
and convert to buddhism
despite the horrors of the caste system

the man was a fucking mito
a giant of a figure
the kind that DESERVES his statue


so now i know

and now the beloved gb
is another fucking gastropub
for rich yuppie bellends
to drink their over priced beer in schooners
and congratulate themselves on their 'inner city lifestyle'
in gentrified landia

misheard lyrics no.4 - cream -White Room

it was neever called the that
silly creamy fuckers
it is the dark room
where else would they be developing photos?
or rowing in a bucket for that matter

misheard lyrics no.3 - Sade - Smooth Operator

yep its smooth alright
its smoother than a smoothie at smoothies deluxe on smooth street
but nobody called an operator
who uses operators these futuristic days?
of course shes really singing
smoooooth elevator
what could be better than a smoooooth elevation?

lo sapevate? brrm brrm

a lingotto a torino

che non dista molto del pieno centro della citta

(dove ho passato qualche settimana)

sul tetto della vecchia fabbrica di fiat

che sarebbe Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino

un palazzo enorme di cinque piani

hanno costruito una pista da prova

per le macchine che si costruivano sotto

quindi sti pazzi giravano (e veloce) 

nelle macchine e moto

e pare che anche facevano le corse!

anche oggi si fanno delle gare sulla pista

sti fucking pazzi italiani!

misheard lyrics no. 2 -Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At

nooo.. they never shouted that!
it MUST be 'wheres your hairnet?'
the common bosses cry
which poor wage slaves in the food industry hear on a regular basis

misheard lyrics no.1 -Supergrass - Pumping On Your Stereo

ehi
you wot?
im sure it was 'jumping on your stereo'

mlecchas at the gate!

back in ye olde india
you know the one
pre chillis and gandhis
but many
many
but many
many
moons ago

the ruling groovemasters got sick to fuck of all those invaders
because there were shitloads of them
as they lived in lovely fertile lands
turks, greeks, huns, mongols, persians, kushans, bactrians
and probably some farsighted beardy fellow
who was bitter about how the game of thrones ended

and like greeks and romans
they had a word for these uncivilized hooligans
for the mediterraneans it was
barbarians!

but for the hindustani legends
they named these fiends after how daft their language sounded
every time they opened their mouth
they made a stupid sound
that sound like mlecch!

to the cultured folk of the gangetic plains
every noise just sounded like mlecch mlecch mlecch!
how fucking 'barbaric'!
they were probably half man bear pig!

so they called them
mleccha!

(try that in a conversation today)

jet slag fades to pink

(like this only moreso)

back in the 80s i was in a very famous tv show
la la la lala la lala
well
not really

but i did temporarily suffer from a very rare condition
in fact it was so rare
that i was the only one to have it
and it was at least partially brought upon by myself

after a holiday to somewhere very far away
i decided to stay awake for the whole 25 hour flight home

a couple of days later i went back to school
and teacher got me up in front of class
to talk about my experience

it was all going well
i guess
until i noticed a pink blurriness at the periphery of my vision
which grew until i could see no more
and i checked out


coming round i was taken to the nurses room
where the usual fussing went on
and the nursey explained that i might have something called
jet lag

but
being a headstrong little shitbag
and having heard talk of the condition that can follow long trips
i grumpily childsplained to her
it wasnt called jet lag
it was definitely called
JET SLAG
and i had the best case ever witnessed

teacher and nursey continued to fuss
and to insist it was jet lag
but i was having none of it from these amateurs
i was an international jet setter
who was wise to the ways of the world
(he wont hurt you)
and exclaimed they simply had no idea what they they were talking about
whereas man of the world knew the lot
AND
i had JET SLAG

who is your favourite merv?

the ancient persian city and important trade point on the silk roads

V

the funny moustachioed cult fast bowler who really wasnt that great

tough innit?

what did the romans ever do for us? part 361

Doh, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Doh

(or i give, king, me, it does, there, you, i give)

Doh, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Doh was the work of Italian musician and singing teacher Guido di Grancazzo, developed toward the end of the 10th century, and forms the basis of the modern system of musical notation. In about 1040, this inspired genius devised the Guido scale, or Artinian syllables, that still sing his praises. The names he gave to the musical notes of the scale are still used today in modified form (do, re, mi, fa sol, la).

The Benedictine monk based them on six lines of a Latin hymn to St. Bob the Flatulent, which happened to form the scale. Over the years, the final syllable ti was added to the scale and two centuries ago the syllable do joined it in English. This was later improved upon by homer simpson.

(stolen from jinxi boo)

100 (putain!)

ouias
c'est incroyable
l'annee dernier je temais que enfin il etait presque mort
apres beaucoup des annees quand je publiquais toujours moins
mais
cet an
il est revenu de la tombe
et
cet an il est atteint 100
putain!

Conservative Friends of India releases video for Boris Johnson- (hopefully) the most mental thing you will see this week

its fucking mental
and not just that such a dishonest inbred entitled scumbag could be elected
to the top job of a country that claims to have given us democracy
or that his party that has callously ruined the lives of millions whilst enriching themselves and their corporate mates
could be reelected AGAIN!

but THIS is mental
a hindi promo love in about said scumbag
singing his praises and encouraging people to vote for him
even fucking exists

its not known if it comes from indian brits (never heard the constant tory racism? rivers of blood anybody?)
or from hindustan itself (an even grimmer prospect, i know modhi is a fuckwit, but really?)

regardless
it really does push the eternally fine line between laughing and crying

c'è di meglio, mike

bahahahahah!

when irony went and shot itself up the nose holes

(above- a war criminal reunion with chips)

in the large (not really that fucking large-siberia?) state of tejas
yes that tejas that was stolen from chidolandia
(along with the rest of the other half of the nation they stole)
coz
you know,
manifest density.
there stands a building that finally drove irony over the edge
and lets be honest
irony had been teetering there for a veeeery long time

sip
its the dubya bush LIBRARY and museum
a LIBRARY and museum dedicated to one of the most internationally renowned simpletons of history
this boof headed jizz rag managed to come to the highest 'elected' office in the most powerful nation in history
this awe inspiringly ignorant, draft dodging descendant of nazi enablers
this poster boy for inherited privilege, corporate purchased election rigging
this exemplar of moronic credulous literal religious interpretation
and siren song of the deal knell of the democratic tradition

this quasi literate buffoon, famed for his lack of basic knowledge
on any important topic
has a fucking LIBRARY in his honoUr.
yes that dubya
who was (seemingly) the stand out candidate as biggest moron in power in recent history

 vale irony

(of course the universe then proceeded to excrete the drumpf monster all over humanity's collective face, who then proceeded to  lower the bar in a previously unimaginably cataclysmic manner by digging up the rotting corpse of irony, to skull fuck it whilst simultaneously forcing its decayed bones into the remnants into the former rectal cavity of dignity, thus creating the least edifying sexual caterpillar of all time )






What next? Hitler cultural awareness centre

neither smoking nor thundering

a recent photo of victoria falls
theres next to no water!
its not the smoke that thunders
its just a deathly grey cliff
with a few sad ponds at the foot
surely it would be silent
none of that not being able to hear yourself think
with the continuous roaring
as 1.21 gigawats of water gush roaring over the precipice
no elephants tumbling
and trumpeting their fear
as they fall to their death
no bathing in the fast flowing pools by the lip
or hanging your head over with giddy/scared thrill

climate change or no
its a fucking sad sight indeed

fuck ù

and ù

and Ù

and...

on peut voir la lettre  ù une fois en francais
il existe seulement dans le mot où
il etait cree pour le diferencier de ou!
mais quand meme ce n'est pas un peu exagere?
ah ouais
c'est le francais..

ce n'est pas grave..
ou...?

thats what i appreciates about you miss katies

che sei fucking strafiga!

eros got shafted

ever been to picadilly circus in londinium?
there is a funky statue that people use as a meeting place
which was even handier before mobile phones
meet you at eros at 7 for that reach around?

but shock revelation scoop by limebeaver inc. no.2005
eros isnt eros
its actually a giant phallic symbol
a shaft!

it is so called as it aims its giant wangness up shaftsbury avenue
which was named after lord 'old shifty shafter' shaftsbury
who was famously caught in flagrante  'shafting' queen reginalds pony
'not so innocent bob'
in 1752

so think of that when you next want to meet your sweetheart for an iced cream!

un payaso en india

eso es
me hice como se escribio senor forster
me compre un pasaje a india
para ser un payaso en india

que es super chido
o chevere
como quieres

namaste hdps!

yucatan giving outreach

every day mt goes to work
she descends from her fairytale castle
via the teleferico
each morning she gazes down on the antelope and shoe people
each grazing at the undergrowth
and asks herself
what would i rather be?
an antelope or a shoe person?
and which would make the world a better place?

but before she has time to ponder too profoundly
she arrives at the terminus
of the mt private teleferico

and she thanks the bowing, scraping staff
and walks the 3 blocks to the ygo

the ygo is another universe entirely
it is staffed by retired gringos
and thrusting young go getters
hoping to outreach eachother

as the retired gringos bumble about
gently caressing their companion golden retreivers
a scratch behind the ear
a belly rub
a 'good girl'

they all look on in wonderment
as mt casts her spell
not a nasty, turning you into a salamander spell
just a calming relaxing spell
that puts them all at ease
something golden and light

then
bosh!
they snap out of their reverie
and shuffle off to their next well meaning effort

mt
unaware of her aura
proceeds dutifully to her days work
and looks at her missions for today

where to start?
1.continue writing the script for her award winning yucatec language drama series?
2.try to forget how to fly (it makes others envious, and she is thoughtful like that)
3.translate the secret mayan script from below chichen itza which explains the meaning of life and how to attain world peace

no!
these all can wait
her first task is to help these melancholy old gringos
with their sense of displacement and low self esteem

her first task of today
is to speak with them
these kindly if slightly confused refugees from the north
in her reassuring, mellifluous and precise yet natural english

the whole world can wait
today she will start small...

algo em portugues, literalmente

recentemente eu comencei a aprender o portugues
o e' muito complicado quando nao posso estudar
assim
depois de escrever uma coisa sobre o brasil
eu pensei que deveria ter feito isso em portugues
mas
e tarde demais
ups!
desculpe!


(muito obrigado a meu amigo google)

todo sobre pelotas

en el cuarto pais mas grande del mundo
un pais de gente super simpatico
un pais donde se habla portugues (la version mejor)
y de donde vienen los mejores futbulistas de la galaxia
y conzco lo super bien
nop, no es timor leste!
es brasil!

en el sur del sur del pays
donde hay la grande mayoria de la poblacion del pays
hay una ciudad de mas o menos 350,000
y es casa del famoso equipaje de futbol, gremio
y bla bla
y mas bla

pero
se llama pelotas!
m heh heh heh

dont call me pissteeth!

Scientists grow human tooth using stem cells taken from urine

Team in China say their slightly unsavoury work could realise the 'final dream' of regenerating adult teeth to replace those lost through aging or decay

Scientists in China have grown a human tooth using stem cells taken from urine ( GETTY IMAGES )

Scientists in China say they have successfully grown a human tooth using stem cells taken from urine.
Researchers say the technique could one day be used as a way to replace teeth lost through aging and poor dental hygiene, with the added bonus that urine is deemed a less controversial source of stem cells than human embryos.
The team at the Guangzhou Institute of Biomedicine and Health extracted cells contained in the urine which would normally be passed from the body, such as those from the lining of the body's waterworks, and managed to coax them into becoming stem cells.
They then used these to implant the teeth-like structures in mice, and said the resulting bundle of cells eventually contained “dental pulp, dentin, enamel space and enamel organ,” researchers said.
The report, published in Cell Regeneration Journal, added that this could lead to further studies resulting in “the final dream of total regeneration of human teeth for clinical therapy”.
However the project has received has attracted criticism, and not just because it has only a 30 per cent success rate in its current form.
Prof Chris Mason, a stem cell scientist at University College London, told the BBC urine was “probably one of the worst sources” of stem cells.
He said: “There are very few cells in the first place and the efficiency of turning them into stem cells is very low. You just wouldn't do it in this way.“
He also said the risk of contamination was much higher than with other sources of cells, and that there was a long way to go before science overcame “the big challenge” of getting nerve and blood vessels to integrate in newly-formed permanent teeth.

(no) san diego

 asi finalmente yo vi el documental excelente sobre maradona
se llama 'diego maradona'
que imaginacion!
que creatividad!


communque!
e' un documentario molto ben fatto
si racconta la storia della sua vita
e la maggiore parte e' quella parte quando era in italia

e cosi
il film e' meta in italiano y mitad en espanol!
lo que me hace mucho placer
porque son mis dos juguetes favoritos!

asi
escribo mi recension el la misma forma!
(y a quien no le gusta un pretexto!)

woo fucking hoo!

para mi el parte mas interesante
que es se vi maradonna en una luz distincto
al menos para mi
y no soy para nada experto sobre el

lo poco que conoci de maradonna
era que fue un gran jugador
y un tonto drogado
y amigo de la mafia
en breve
una basura famosa
y obviamente yo era muuuy demasiado joven
(y ignorante)
para haberlo visto jugar
en vivo, claro
tampoco en la tele

ma ho imparato che la pressione che si e subito
sopratutto quella mediatica
che ha quasi impossibile reso la sua vit
e parlo del suo tempo a napoli

qualsiasi cosa che faceva
e lo dico letteralmente
c'erano millioni de persone che lo seguivono
lo adoravano
come quasi solo i napoletani sanno fare
e simbolizzava la sud d'italia
da sempre disprezzata dal nord
la sua casa a napoli era sempre circondata da una marea di gente
non poteva vivere un attimo di pace

le speranze di millioni di napoletani
sarebbero dovuto pesare su di lui
in una maniera insupportabile

poi
la storia con la camorra
e' ovvio che nessun gran societa napolitano
non potevo (puo?) esistere senza contatto con la camorra
e la ssc napoli non poteva che essere la stessa

quindi e' assolutamente comprensibile
che sia entrato nel giro della camorra

ademas
el era el capitan de la seleccion de argentina
con toda la locura que incluye
con quizas mas presion y obsesion que los napoletanos
y ayudo a argentina ganar a la italia
en el mundial
en italia!
y todo la mierda que llueve sobre el
despues del hecho
incluyendo la policia y la media

en fin
con tanta idolatracion
de los locos napoletanos
de los locos argentinos
no deberia de ser una sorpresa que el se comportio
a veces
como una mierda
porque
al contrario de lo que pensaban esos chiflados
no era un dios
era un humano

basta!

mishtaken pishtaken identities

normally im pretty damn fab at guessing nationalities

BUT

the other night

no!

 

i assumed a mexican was italian










 i assumed a malagasy was mexican

 AND

i assumed a colombian was australian

for a Total Awareness of Cultural Tropes (TACT) score of:

downright pisspoor tactless cunt

i scream, you scream, we all scream for the wilhelm scream

how fucking cool is this?
real film nerdery stuff
they fookin loves it!

schmiki wiki says
" The Wilhelm scream is a stock sound effect that has been used in at least 416 films and TV series (as of July 2015), beginning in 1951 for the film Distant Drums."

i really fucking should have gone up tokyo tower

i should have gone up tokyo tower
the view would have been really cool
but it was pricy
not more outrageously than a lot of things in japan
but i got to the base
saw the price
and said
ファック!

i dont recall how many yen it was
and how it converted into insert local currency here
which is a pity
as it would have added colour to this particular bag of wank

but heres something that someone prepared earlier
which in hindsight looks quite fucking reasonable!

its the famous catch 25
that tourists face
somewhere famous has a stupidly expensive entry
because theyve got you by the swingers
so you pay the stupid money
and see the famous thing
(often suffering mega underwhelmyness)

so i usually do
spaff the money
coz its once in a lifetime
blah blah blah

but this time
i said
oi! tokyo tower del cazzo!
fucking no!