don't call him shirley

but do call him beavis...

pez-cado de abril?

pero no hay?!

por que no?

donde esta el pez de abril?

no se hace fiesta el primero de abril para nada?

aun esta en el mar?

quizas se queda en un red viejisimo en el profundo?

su falta es muy triste

es un perdida tremenda

todo el mundo civilizado (patent pending) lo celebra

pero la parte que habla castellano?

noooooo!

aqui en el pais hermoso de stronzolandia lo festejamos el primero de cada mes!

pero... ellos?

nooooo!

los pobrecitos quienentos miliones de personas heathens!

woolly butt-ox

yep
this is an artist's extreme rendition of a woolly rhino
he was way cool
he didnt get the luff and fame the woolly mammoth got
because although he was a huge fooker
he wasn't, well... mammoth
he did have a mammoth tusk though
much embiggeneder than that of the current lightweight and still not quite extinct african rhino
and dont even mention the dorset rhino
which gets its rhino period when the temperature goes over 17C
woolly rhino was also much more street than the mammoth
he was into the stooges and velvet underground
who werent given the acclaim they deserved back during the last ice age

at some point during the next few months i will finally be in a position to clone one
i shall call him Trevor

misplaced onself in a retail establishment

that would just be silly



but it sure felt that way



wandering aimlessly around a giant mega hyper store



of an unnamed svenska shoppe



trying short cuts between cups and bunk beds



trying to straight line the plants and lamps



thinking about meatballs with schlarfen larfen sauce



and going around in circles and rhombiiii



it was only a small dastardly scheme



try to frame ho chi minh



in all his red glory



he had been asking for it since the 60's



he fought off the french, twice!



he gave the nihon jins a hard time



he fought off the gringos



so frustrated did they become that they tipped helicopters into the sea



he even fought off democracy



but i had him in my sights



or in my cupboard at least



and after waiting and plotting



finally he would be mine



but before that could be achieved i would have to outwit those devious scandies...

neil g-man

i've been getting into a bit of this man's work of late
this yellow man
this english man
doing the o-dio buuk thing
he tells his own tall tales
and they are fine tales indeedy
nominally it is for kiddlies
but there is a great darker side that would frighten the beelzebubs out of minor gromits
malevolent spirits (like southern comfort)
ghosty toasties
netherworlds (and not in your trousers)
and big bad scary monsters
even murderous man jacks
ooooooh! spooky!

Partner del cazzo

\


 come scusa?

missus the bus

so its 2014
and the avid blogmunchers have been all at sea
on a super mega inflatawotsit
no limebeaver news?
no limebeaver views?
no limebeaver rants?
no limebeaver pants?
they didnt cry
well they couldnt really
as they didnt exist

but they got over their existential crisis
managed to peer around the no show wall
and defiantly charged onwards and nowards
not unlike the charge of the light brigade
pointless, foolish and caps doffed
thats how they will change the world
thats how they will bring down the tyrants and other tin pot porters
buy paying no heed
(but they werent all scottish)

november, you remember

because he forgot
he forgot many a thing
he forgot horizontal sleet
he forgot to dazzle
the man from around the way
the man from the wrong side of the tracklist
he never jumped someone else's tram
he never slid the slide
because he forgot
he forgot how to

then one sunnyish day
with scudding fluffy clouds
in no particular popular childhood forms
he forgot how to forget

he closed his eyes
and he saw it all
he saw what came for before nothing
it was beige
like an awful 70's corduroy jacket
but without the elbow patches
he saw the mittle sized bang
he saw stars and galaxies and cosmic gloop

he saw the bootles at the caverneum club
before anybody else did
he saw the difference between lejos and lejanos
he saw the meaning of the river liffy
he saw all that shit
and he saw the other thing

and he remembered IT

now that was a headfuck....

trousered snakes

bloody blimey
awake to the snakes
two of the farkers
snakes in a bag of hair
with me
one grooving on the left
the other
sliding on the right
don't move
snakes are peaceable creatures aren't they?
or was that horseshit peddled by some corporate nonsense peddler?
long fuckers too
not the peddlers
one was creamy coloured
one was brown of some sort
stay statue still
but your ankles will hurt after a short while
they may just be passing through
but inside your troosers and top?
gradually slithering down your sides
slippery  wrigglers
warm and smooth
inside your outer skin
oh so slow
try not to breathe
try not to budge
try not to scream

fucking ansia!

cool shit i has looked at-buildings no.7

The Colosseum
Rome, Italy
What have the romans ever done for us?
It's brilliant right, it's just fucking staggering.  extra points because they used it to feed annoying twat christians to lions and other belve... what's not to love?

the dick is back, fuck you osstraya!

so its a done deal
osstrayas first female prime minister is gone
replaced by the last prime minister
a smug autocratic twat
from the same party
she got rid of that dick coz nobody could stand him
now the dick is back
brought back in desperation by their party
who looked like getting hammered at the upcoming election
by an opposition party
a party of cunts
lead by one of the biggest cunts this idiotic country has produced
with no policies at all
bereft of ideas
bereft of morals
bereft of humanity
apart from the usual right wing shit
shrieking hysterically about asylum speaker, unemployed etc
and just saying no nonnonononnoo to everything!
but
despite this scum being almost universally loathed
the cunt party and their cunt leader were going to shit it in
and why might that be?
well its all about dicks and cunts
because lame-o backwards redneck osstraya couldn't deal with a woman being boss
it threatened too many people
because osstraya is a nation of troglodytes
big macho blokes didn't wanna be told what to do by a chick
poor big macho blokes
they didn't dislike her policies
they didn't like her gender
she was hammered mercilessly from day one
for the crime of not being a bloke
by the murdochracy
by the moronic shock jocks
by the opposition cunt party
they belittled her
and used pathetic hate speech
they joked about her body
about her hair
shit that would never happen if she was a bloke
fucking disgusting
fucking sickening
fucking Neanderthal misogynist, racist, moronic country
fuck you osstraya!

super moooooon?

the whole media nonsense machine has been rather busy crapping on of late about lunar thrillages.
there was to be a 'super moon'
foolishly I took that to be a moon with its underpants on the outside.
wrong!
it didn't leap small trains with a stone in its shoe or whatever
look
up there
in the sky
is it a speckled lavatory dwelling pigeon?
is it that paper plane Gronnington Snottersly made in grade 2?
nooo... it's 'Super Moon'!
the greatest buttockish spectacle to flash the planet erff
ever!

cool shit i has looked at- buildings no.6

Taipei 101, Xinyi District, Taipei City, Taiwan
it's farking huge innit? 509 metres
it was the worlds tallest building for quite a bit and has a bonkers view from the observation deck.

map conditioning no.1-liguria

the weather on the tv makes an impression on our heads, arghghghhghg!
here's the banana that one cannot forget..

H.O.R.S.E

I played horse once
nothing to do with drugs
nothing to do with any Englishman you may or may not have met
I guess you could describe it has a kind of horseplay?
playing horse?
twas before the world ended
in distant societal universe
in another millenium
1999
University of Saint Diego
USD USD USD!
in godblessamerica inc.
I played the horse
which is not like playing the goat
or the ass
I played it with a boy
and with a girl
I played it with a ball
I played it on the set of Heathers
I was shit
tanto per cambiare....
I lost
badly
but I did shout a lot
and rudely make fun of my hosts
but
how could you not!?!

and ive never been back to the horse since (or sense)

guide to the mysterious universe of astrology

yes, it's all fucking bullshit!

 

 

 

yo soy un idiota-maduro

las cosas en Venezuela van siempre mas ridicolos.  El 'presidente' Maduro (despues de las elecciones muy sosphechosas), o chavez junior dijo adelante de las telecameras nacionales que el difunto ex presidente de venezuela, hugo fuckface chavez ha communicado con el el con las silbidas en la forma de un pajarito
a veces la pajaros hablan conmigo tambien, pero solamente despues de tomar unas drogas fuertisimas...
fucking cretino!. 

belin no. 2

belin no.1

one spear one club and fifteen years.

for more than fifteen years speary and clubby lived in boxes
it was a sheltered life
they were brought from another continent
and lived a couple of dog lives
just hanging in boxes in cupboards and sheds
they both had twins
another spear
and another club
they existed more than lived
waiting to be put into use
and look pretty and decorative
not to mention kulchural
then finally their chance came
the greater entity that they were part of was finally to be put to use
all the other bits and pieces were fished out from oblivion
ferried to their new display house
but speary and clubby were overlooked
and thrown out like so much tat
with torn rubbish bags and ye olde tape
discarded and unloved
mi spiace speary and clubby

take a number

yeah I took it
here on the bus
here on the plane
her in this seat
a number to asporto
sorry I lost something there
who the fuck are you?
and why am I waiting?
you must be pretty important
something out of this fucking world
the sun must shine out of your special place
what counts now?
what will it take to shake your box?
are you special?
so very, very special?
must I shake my money maker in your face?
is your face worth the place?
here's a whole
a hole whole
a whole lot of nowt
somebody is pissing in your wind
but your wind is deaf and blind
there she was
there he wasn't
now so special
then so not
a space of waste

out of this world... man

cool shit i has looked at - buildings- no.5

Tikal, El Peten, Guatemala
those mayans sure loved the flying spaghetti monster...

cool shit i has looked at -buildings - no. 4

Pyramids, Giza, Egypt
Big, deserty, pointy and damn impressive. 

you (would have) lit up my liiiiife....

should have could have would have snapped one up when I saw it in old ha noi
couldn't find the space place on two further wanders without wonder
you would've been marvelous
a light source with a story to tell
apart from the stars in the firmament
how many others can offer that?
a story with iconic imagery
a story that became his-story
we all scream for ice-story
we could have been, so happy together
tra la la la

algo sospechoso en la politica venezoalana???? nunnccccaaa!

hace un mes (mas o menos) fueron las elecciones presidenciales en Venezuela. 
Ya uno no tiene que ser Marciano con un cerebro super poderoso para prever unos problemas!
en un pais donde quizas la mitad del pueblo ama el difunto Hugo Look-At-Me Chavez
y la otra la odia...
y ahora es muerto, finalmente.. entonces fueron hechos las elecciones con su escogido successor maduro contra capriles como opositor.
los risultados fueron super estrechos, pero gano' (aparentemente) Maduro... con 50.66% contra 49.07!
visto que el Fuckface Chavez y ahora Maduro es en poder desde hace muchos anos y han corompido todos los sistemas del gobierno... es muy, muy, muy fucking probable que ellos han hecho 'una cosita' para recibir el resultado que quisieron...
Capriles y sus partidarios han exigido un plena recuento de votos pero el Consejo Nacional Electoral ha accordado sola hacerlo en parte..
pero ANTES que todo eso, ya pasa que alguien estaba quemando los votos!!!!
es sospechoso? nooo!!!!! nunncccaaa!

martian boner

this pic was sent out on some social networking machine device platform stage enabling enhancer thingywotsitforfucksakejustfuckoff with the quote:
Mars Rover = $800M, Team to Operate = $1B. Drawing a penis on the surface of another planet = Priceless.

that's funny right there that is...

cool shit i has looked at - buildings- no3

Angkor wat, Siem Reap, Cambodia
part of a huge zone of theme park dimensions of coolness, the wat is what's what, wot!

priorities are bad mmmkay?

so the US senate/house of corrupt bungholes or whatever the hell it is called knocked back some gun controls
some tiny little
incy wincy
teeny weeny
soft as all hell
really quite piffly
laws to to ever so slightly hinder people from getting ridiculous guns and killing each other
after yet another
another
ancora
mas
encore
big shooty uppy in a school
for the gazillionth time this week in godblessamerica inc.
everybody was sad
politicians were very sad
but not as sad
as much as they like money from the nra
and weapons manufacturers

mais les fromages francais?
non non non
ils sont illegales!
ils sont dangereux!
nous sauver tous de la camembert!
la brie!
la roquefort!
quelle fucking horreur!

democracy?
surely a huge 'fuck you' from politicians to their 'electorates'
that is one sick fucking country...

so long (bay)

That's it then
Vietnam no mas
Flying the ha noi coop
Avocado smoothie isnt too bad it turns out
Music is shocking
As expected
Tourist tat quotient filled
Aimless wandering wandered
Baffled taxish along strangely unfamiliar highways
Stilted haggling over
Fake teaching at airport shop taught
Propaganda lampless I go forth
Almost all other bocshs ticked
Off
Tam biet And cam on baby

pere ubu and man dung

I saw a bay
It was a good bay
sailing and shoring
Dancing the floating can cans
Making me foreign
Oh yeah

Which is utterly unrelated to pere ubu
Being Frankly more black, Francis

Ha long or descending dragon bay
Its a wonder
Or so the league of nations says
Probably

They had a point there
I did wonder
And marvel
With added gawping

If I had a bucket
And I were to fill it with lists
This bucket would contains words
Which is far superior
To a bucket of merde
N'est pas?

ding dong the bint is dead!

time wasting at da nang hairport

It only took 5 and a half weeks
Out of a possible 6
But here we are
Da hang hairport
its shiny alright
Viet types mill as do all types
An ickle girl smiles
Pig tails and yellow top
Western tourists dawdle
As always confidently out of lieu
The young couples
Having and adventure
The middle aged couple
Only speaking French
The nu-clear families
Daggy dad and careworn mum
Children in their own worlds
The cleaning staff, in uniformly dull uniforms
The shop staff
Always watching, serving people going places they most likely never will
The airline staff
Immaculate and busy
airport no.3274632
Almost always the same
The variety of peoples alters
Skin colour, hair colour, language, clothes etc
The shops sometimes differ from Nairobi to Cali to Kuala Lumpur to Abu Dhabi to Bergamo to big corn to con dao to maroochydore to to to to....
A frozen snake, some odd sweets made of badger gonads
And a burger fucking king
But always a tacky souvenir shop
With overpriced tat
You should have got in the market or high st for half the price
American recorded voice notifies us of the last call for flight something to ho chi minh city
Really its Saigon
But the commies were doing hearts, minds and fists
I don't buy that shit
I doubt many here do
A middle aged man with a gaudy orange hat passes
Having a good stare
The spoilt rich Chinese turds in the restaurant abusing the staff
We all look the same
The call is out for the flight to na trang...

Sigh
3 and a half hours wasted
One more to go

1000

congratulations!!!
you are the 1000th blog to be posted!
you are a WEINER!
please send CASH CASH CASH!

come to limebeaver's huge sexy 1000 party!

wholly motored batman!

Holy Motors is:
-interesting on occasion
-not without thought provoking moments
-vaguely intelligent
-ultimately pointless
-not short of wankery

(quite a bit in common with this blog!)

meanwhile at filth central (the vatican)

 

 the ex-nazi pope evilled it away from the vatican because he was going to get in trouble for being corrupt scum (not that there was anything wrong with that, it's just that he might have been caught)

 

 

which left all the self-important bullshit peddling fraudsters needing a new Leading Maggot

so they had a big meeting about who was the biggest piece of shit (hard call)

 

and elected (coz Dog magically told them to) a new leader...  Queen (Rock) Spider

 

which somehow seems the perfect symbol for a predatory institution full of paedophiles

 

 

(with apologies to south plank)

 

 

cool shit i has looked at -buildings- no.2

chan chan, la libertad, peru
it's the largest pre colombian city in south america
(nb was not made by giant bees.)

whoeverheardofalimebeaver-for all your high culture needs...

            guardian.co.uk, Wednesday 13 February 2013 19.49 GMT

Swiss Mona Lisa 'is the original'

Art foundation says tests on painting suggests it is da Vinci's earlier version of arguably the world's most famous artwork

    

 An art foundation says that an earlier version of Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa resides in Switzerland. Photograph: Denis Balibouse/Reuters

New tests on a painting billed as the original version of the Mona Lisa have produced fresh proof that it is the work of Leonardo, a Swiss-based art foundation has said.
The tests on his 15th century portrait were carried out by a specialist in "sacred geometry" and by the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in the wake of the Geneva unveiling of the painting, the Isleworth Mona Lisa, last September.
"When we add these new findings to the wealth of scientific and physical studies we already have, I believe anyone will find the evidence of a Leonardo attribution overwhelming," said David Feldman, vice-president of the foundation.
The Mona Lisa in the Louvre for over three centuries has long been regarded as the only one painted by Leonardo, although there have been copies, and claims for the Swiss-held one were dismissed by some experts last year.
But it also won support in the art world, encouraging the Zurich-based Mona Lisa Foundation – an international group that says it has no financial interest in the work – to pursue efforts to demonstrate its authenticity.
Feldman, an Irish-born international art and stamp dealer, said he was contacted after the public unveiling of the portrait – which shows a much younger woman than in the Louvre – by the Italian geometrist Alfonso Rubino. "He has made extended studies of the geometry of Leonardo's Vitruvian Man [a sketch of a youth with arms and legs extended] and offered to look at our painting to see if it conformed," said Feldman.
The conclusion by the Padua-based Rubino was that the Isleworth portrait – named after the London suburb where it was kept by the British art connoisseur Hugh Blaker 80-90 years ago – matched Leonardo's geometry and must be his.
The Zurich institute carried out a carbon-dating test on the canvas of its painting and found that it was almost certainly manufactured between 1410 and 1455, refuting claims that it was a late 16th century copy.

•    

cool shit i has looked at- buildings- no.1

Kofuku-ji temple, nara, japan
pointy and pretty innit?

the ocsars

for fucks sake
shut up about the ocsars
they are another way for godblessamerica inc. to pretend it is the centre of the whirled
its bullshit
another way for hollywood to pat itself on the back
how generous of them to offer 1 prize to foreign language films
films made in 'american' get 4344 prizes
films made in 'foreign' from the rest of the planet
deserve one...
fuck off
and sad sap twat pack other countries media go along with the idea that it is some kind of world awards
useless
gormless
spineless
brainless
buffoons swallow that shit
like 'world' series baseball
'world' champions of nba
shut fucking up!
i'll start...

the bloody what blues nick?

surely only nicky wicky could write a track called the higgs boson blues and not be deemed a total nob end!
mind you, he's still not as cool as he thinks he is...

plans of rock solid horseshi...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiHd2cTdQr8

stand in the place where you live?

 

there's stand... stand stand stand stand stand stand stand stand stand stand stand stand stand stand ... stand!

odd what occurs to the mind when passing albert park on a tram innit?

irony osstrayan style?

in 1967 the prime minister of australia drowned whilst swimming at point nepean in victoria.
months of intrigue followed over his death and his political successor, including many conspiracy theories including that holt was a chinese spy and was picked up by a chinese submarine...
in its wisdom the council of Malvern in Melbourne decided to honour him .... by naming a swimming pool after him..

australians are drug cheats!

'Blackest day in Australian sport' - The Age
Australia's sporting reputation tarnished - The Age
Australia rocked by allegations of drug and crime links in sports
Drugs, crime rife in Aussie sport | Other Sports | Fox Sports

so osstraya is in shock about sportspeople taking drugs!
oh deary deary me!
fancy those nice honest upstanding trew blew, dinky die! australians doing that
they would never do that!
who us?
never!
nasty, different, cheaty people who come from 'other' countries
do those things!

darth twat?

is this really a good thing?
new star wars will be made
great!
but they will be made by evil maggot disney
shit!
the last few lucas ones were rubbish anyway
boo!
so can disney cock them up even more?
possibly!
will they fill them full of goofy storm troopers?
fuck off!
or will they realise there are already massive spin-off merch possibilities and leave well alone?
i fucking hope so!
anything associated with disney korporation of kunts just feels dirty
bastards!
mind you they can't do any worse than lucas and spielberg did to indy!
ouch!

cheating, lying and general being scum

so the piece of shit is finally fessing up to being a cheat. sadly though he probably wont fess up to being a prick, an arsehole, a bully and the lowest of low life...
fuck you!

hairy gnocca and the legend car

blog

blog
blag
blug?
slog
slag
slug
snog
snag
snug
dog
dag
dig dug
flog
flag
flug!
hog
hag
hug
jog
jag
jug
king zog
king zag
king zug...

e gia, il toscano di Dante e' l'italiano di oggi, ma il maremmano no?

Un poesia maremmano

Hazzo, hosa hanti?
Hanto una hanzone maremmano
E' una hanzone di mia harina hasa
Havolo, home si hiama?
Si hiama- hane maremmeno inhazzato
Hucciolo hucciolo
Hane hane
Con la hoda horta
... E' un huore hattivo
Non mi attahha!
Arggghh hazzo
Mi ha holpito
Mi ha morsihhiato hon I denti hulti
Hhe hoglione
Harogna di hacca!

Fucking hane maremmano!

it looks like we might have made it..

To the end... Of 2012

so the world has ended?

nope, this is just maya

a craven affair

A few moons back I jumped off a plane in lahndahn town and went to see an international fitba game.  It was the osstraya sheilaroos versus the Nigeria sectarian death squad at the home ground of Fulham football club, I'd never been there before. I guess it made me a...

signs your country is fucked no.3425

Since Newtown school shootings, sales of kids’ bulletproof backpacks soar

#bollocks

#what the fuck?
#really?
#who gives a crap?
#why not make it Spanish?#
#heres some more shite
#fuckity fuck
#isnt this a cancello?
#feo
#bonnet
#not to put on your fucking head
#chess-oh
#smells like shit
#young people
#theres a man on the radio
#tedium beyond the medium
#spliff tag
#hash piece
#!+&%£%#

doggerland

Doggerland was until perhaps 8000 years ago part of a large land mass that connected the British isles to Europe, this land mass stretched out into the north Atlantic and Doggerland covered most of what is now the north sea... In these ancient and obviously, purer and better times,  'prehistoric' man could roam the plains and extensive motorway networks and its myriad lay-bys and be at one with his inner (pervy) being.

no it's bloody well not!

for a man that spouts some pretty stupid shit, old mozza nails it this time...

i dont like your name

And I don't like you
No really
Your name spells it all out
Trevor
Twat
Christian
Nob end
Rodney
Eejiot
Pissing bollock nose
Self explanatory
George
Buffoon
Nigel
Obviously fucked
Cregg
Eat my buttocks
Jeremy
'Nuff said
Eugene
Your mum hated you for a reason, cockknuckle
Tarquin
cunt
Gerald
Hahaha... You poor prick
Joachim con Ribbentrop
Nice try bunghole
Sylvester
Obvious nad muncher
Cecil
Walking abortion
Gareth
Utter wanker buffoonery are you

now THIS is music..,

It's a scorcher!

the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case, is football. boof!

                   
                   
                   
                   
                

missing micio

As martin Luther said
 I had a micio
He was blanc with gris bits
Don't know where he came from
Not sure where he went
There was a house
That's a first
An ickle micio showed up and adopted me
But I had to move
The new one was kinda crappy
It had dirt floors
Debris all over the place
Hard to get into the room
Which somehow backed onto nuclear fusion landlady's one
My micio came with
he was grate
There was no light in your room
Which made things a bit tricky
I found an ickle window
Looking out onto yardish
There was another micio
Micio pequeno
Tutti pequenos!
But it wasn't my micio
And there was a micio in a tiny tub
A drowned micio!
Quel horreur!
With extra phlegmatico 3000
but upon hands of mystery tipping the tub up
The micio awoke!
And mao'd a bit
He was an aquatic micio!
Now who the hell had seen that coming
A fully functioning underwater micio!

theres no such thing...

As a brontosaurus

kyle a traves the lavatory glass

Kyle went for a swim
And never came back...

He was doing OK
Just hanging with his mates
In old skool formation
The old lineup
They were on form
Everything in its right place
Sure
Things could get a bit whiffy
But there was no question of sucking balls
Then one day
In his new home
Shelfing it up
He was sent hurtling
Down down and down
Into the pish et al
He managed to stay afloat
Probably...
Then was sent to his watery oblivion
Where he ended up nobody knows
But it was no doubt a pretty shitty city

out of orifice reply

Hi
I'm away from the orifice from 1/1/1 until precisely the moment hell starts to exist and then simultaneously freezes over, under and fosbury flops it. If you require assistance please contact your own arse via your back door man (rectangular with a wire mesh screen) or if its urgent call me on my cellulite fone on 0011gofuckyourself.
Much love and I hope your loved ones perish of consumption.
LB

i got the no keyboard blues

Yep
Have to write this on a tablet
Carved out of stone
With a chiselled jaw
but at least I'm not claiming that
God told me to
Or
That I'm his chosen person
(Fuck you)
Just humbly tap tap tapping away at me tablet
Carving out a reputation
Or a wave
Its laborious, snack breaking work
hardly given to fluid tgv of thought
Flowing pwose
Or any other such clap flap