so stephen hendry rings me for a bit of advice on his game...

but i couldnt help him, coz he is complete shite...

ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I saw Steve Coogan live a couple of weeks back, finally, after all these years... He was pretty damn good even if most of the material was recycled from old shows...
He started with Pauline Calf and her expensive fake tits.... For which she had written a new book...



Next up was Paul Calf whose material was slightly changed, the Man City jokes were changed to jokes about the England cricket team, which was understandable but a bit weird... seeing as not many here would have got them and I was clearly the only one there cool enough to be wearing a Man City shirt for the occasion...


Then there was the inimitable Tony Ferrino who sang Ordinary Girl to gorgeous girl from the audience and then really did give her a ten dollar target voucher, I asked her ...

after the break it was the man, Alan Partridge who did a few new bits and was sponsored by Whiskers cat food and had a very cool cat image on the backdrop... He did a live radio show link up to Norwich, with callers that mysteriously had appeared on the tv show...
But the highlight was the final part where he played himself as a schoolboy and sang a song called 'everybody is a bit of a cunt sometimes'...
Genius!

nature's own toilet paper

it grows on trees you know...

know your enemy - they are called the BNP

this is a product of the British National Party, the fascist party of the country.
Bad, bad fuckers!
Chillingly clever...

dodged a bullet

it looks like i dodged a bullet
im getting quite flexible these days
with greased-lead reflexes
greased-lead is really quite slippery
if a little cumbersome
i am considering going professional
perhaps joining the circ de soleil
or whatever that french rubbish is called
there have been arrow catchers about
i even saw one on telly the other day
very excitable fellow...
so why cant there be a professional, massively well paid bullet dodger
some guy stick his whole body through the head of tennis racquet?
so what?
a bloke swings two irons from his todger
ppffft!
some types defy death by wandering about on a bit of string 100 metres up
ha!
a fat git gets shot out of a cannon
infants diversion!!!
wait til you see the Masked-Underpants on the outside-Fabbo-Bullet-Dodger!
women will want him (to show them his etchings)
men will want him (in the lavatories after the show)
kids will want... errr.... his autograph
sniffle?
Bokko!

your love is like a ........ baby, baby

these days i am mostly playing with roller coasters and cleaning up cat sick. The roller coasters are not half as exciting as they are portrayed by dudes with socks on their cocks. The cat sick, well it isnt half as exciting as not cleaning up cat sick. What happened to all care and no responsibility?

dabbling in the dark arts

and i got black paint on my spiffy new smock...

Credit where credit is due...

ma vaaaaaa... even the guardian is copying me now!
as evidenced by this email i recently received;

Dear Generalissimo LB,
After the vast majority of our staff began utilising the genial Portfolio Eye View of the World from your baffling fantastic blog we have decided to create a world guide of sorts of our own, so we can avoid the moral obligation of sending you huge loads of wonga every month. As a non-profit organisation we hope this is acceptable to Your Gnarliness. Please rest assured that our feeble effort will forever be indebted to your clearly superior guide in every way, and additionally all staff of the guardian for all eternity will worship You and probably think of you when they are making love to their husbands/wives/pints of ale. Our guide will be in effect a tribute to your blogging majesty.
We love You
bowingly, scrapingly humbly
The Guardian

this inferior version of this site's dazzlingly brilliant world guide can be found and scoffed at here;
http://www.guardian.co.uk/global/interactive/2009/apr/18/country-profiles-world-map

My infinitely better world guide can be found HERE by typing the word 'portfolio' into the search function on the top left of the toolbar. You lucky, lucky bastards.
Ha!

a-lone

1.	being alone; without company or accompaniment; solitary; unaccompanied: a lone traveler.

2.	standing by itself or apart; isolated: a lone house in the valley.

3.	sole; single; only: That company constitutes our lone competitor in the field.

4.	unfrequented.

5.	without companionship; lonesome; lonely.

6.	unmarried or widowed.

1. 1. Without accompaniment; solitary: a lone skier on the mountain.
   2. Without companionship; isolated or lonely.
2. Being the only one; sole: the lone doctor in the county.
3. Situated by itself: a lone tree on the prairie; a lone blue tile in a white floor.

[Middle English, short for alone; see alone.]

adjective
1.	lacking companions or companionship; "he was alone when we met him"; "she is alone much of the time"; "the lone skier on the mountain"; "a lonely fisherman stood on a tuft of gravel"; "a lonely soul"; "a solitary traveler" [syn: alone]
2.	characterized by or preferring solitude; "a lone wolf"; "a lonely existence"; "a man of a solitary disposition"; "a solitary walk"
3.	being the only one; single and isolated from others; "the lone doctor in the entire county"; "a lonesome pine"; "an only child"; "the sole heir"; "the sole example"; "a solitary instance of cowardice"; "a solitary speck in the sky"

got that?
they say we are born alone..
how is that so..?
i find that unfathomable... one cannot be born alone
it defies logic
one is born(e) by a another being (a female) of the species.
therefore not alone
and probably, things going well, there will be others there, doctors, nurses, midwives, witchdoctors and wellwishers
and we die alone
horse shit
chance are that one dies with others by your side
medicos, friends and or family
even if none are these are present, the thoughts of loved ones must accompany the individual in their final moment..

alone un cazzo

tonight in your town...

A dromedary, a retired nanny and a brown shirt enforcer walk into a bar...
the barman says-what will it be?
they say nothing...

is it unusual...?

ahh its not then?
sorry, our royal mistake...

i am the resurrection...

the last few days have been all about easter
all about a story that a bloke died and then...
wait for it....
came back to life!
super idea for a story that
i dont know much about easter
not being of the religious bent
and having half a brain
but there is something about fish
or wild steak or something
and you have to pin them to a tree
do a little jig
and call yourself horace
wander around with a cross
which is surely what he would love to see when he rocks back into town
this is how you honour a bloke that died and came back again
makes sense really
maybe easter is about the highlander
its better to burn out than to fade away!
christophe lambert doesnt seem the preachy kinda guy tho
more surly looks and dyed blonde hair
in over 100,000 years of human myth making we got stuck with this horse shit
only 2000 years ago back there in the middle east
an INSIGNIFICANT little tribe
decided that they were gods own people
not unusual that
and therefore proceeded to have this bloke killed
by nailing him up on a stick
and now half the world
so called rational developed world
have to live our lives around that INSIGNIFICANT tribe
and their fairy story
as opposed to to any other tribe that kicked about in the desert
or up trees
or on an island
or bloody anywhere else in the last 100,000 years!
funnily enough
that INSIGNIFICANT little tribe still hold influence beyond all proportion
influencing decisions all over the world
causing misery, suffering and death to this very day
!!!
i vote the highlander for easter
a new myth
the highlander was born monkey-like from an egg
on top of a mountain
but a chocolate egg
laid by a rabbit with roids
but he was killed by the gurgle or whatever that big bad bloke was
only to come back as sean connery
and accompany tripitaka across china
with his bosom buddies
astroboy and birdman
speaking japanese
to india
the highlander was. .. IRREPRESSIBLE!

micio in majorca

micio goes back to the bar for another sangria


micio has just jetted back into town
after his extended dead guy on a stick weekend break
at his 3rd pad in majorca
one might think that majorca is a bit far to go for a long weekend
considering the distance from melby town
not for this micio
coz he lives on an abstract plain
he is like the schwarz
he is all around us
omnipresent...
you got the vibe
he's looking tanned
his metallic grey has just a tinge more copper about it
he claims it happens naturally in the sun
but we suspect he sprays something on
he's looking relaxed
doing a few showy extra big stretches around the place
yes, yes micio..
he's looking shouty
walking in and belting out a few of his greatest hits
like tom jones at his hairy chested best in the 60's
he claims he didnt drink much over there
somehow i doubt it
he claims not to have taken hard drugs
it seems unlikely
he claims not have been snogging all the thththgats
hah!
he also claims to have rescued a drowning child from the 'med'
as he calls it
sure you did micio...
he sure has dropped that lisp pretty quickly...

everything is lovely for micione

thanks for all your work today

you've been a big help...

dancing queens..

some bees dancing yesterday in the 100 acre wood.

I've just been reading about dancing bees...
they have an amazingly intricate series of dances to communicate various pieces of information to their fellow worker bees (all female!) Amongst other actions they waggle their tails, emit tones and perform circles in opposite directions...
so much so that some scientists believe that they cross the line between 'communication' and 'language'..
they sure can dance
they cha cha to indicate the direction of pollen
the cancan to point out the whereabouts of nectar
the jig to warn of danger
the swing when they are feeling retro
the tango to indicate the direction of the sun
the foxtrot to measure out distances
the salsa when they are feeling saucy
the waltz to notify of drastic weather changes
the rumba to signify the need to offload their precious cargo
the jitterbug when they have had too much 'special pollen'
the polka when theres nothing on telly
the fandango because they can
the mazurka when they are pissed
the nutbush to foment insurrection
the conga to celebrate the successful coup d'etat
and morris dancing if they are gay...

the oatmeals of my mind

is it right to make jokes about a couple that you havent seen since group therapy?
is it still funny if you havent read that paper this week?
is it still okay to mock animals that you havent seen since you were in botswana in '66?
is it kosher to quote a tv show that hasnt been on since 1982?
is it alright to bang on about a king that died in medieval times?
is it cool to sing along to a tune that the band stopped playing after the drummer died?
is it wrong to peel off one-liners about that girl in kindgarten who had a pin up her nose?
is it odd to wax lyrical about the building that was demolished during the blitz?
is it groovy to riff on flared trousers even though nobody has had them for 30 years?
is it hip to spiel on about high school if none of your mates were there?
is it ever going to be alright again to talk about the thompson twins?

a REAL man?

what makes a real man?
is it opening doors for chicks?
is it going off to war and killing?
is it winning an arm wrestle?
is it winning a soggy biscuit contest?
is it slaying a dragon?
is it drinking 24 beers and not soiling yourself?
is it having a fast car?
is it being a big executive with a big package?
is it putting food on the table?
is it walking out with a pretty girl?
is it bulging biceps?
is it turning the other cheek?
is it taking more drugs than your next door neighbour?
is it siring handsome children?
is it drinking a fizzy drink and spilling it down your front?
is it having a drinking problem instead of emotions?
is it kicking a ball and crashing into somebody?
is it crying when the cat gets run over?
is it smoking cigarettes through your nostrils?
is it watching bruce willis films and not flinching?
is it writing poems of love and screaming them to the heavens?
is it throwing your coat on a puddle for a lady?
is it suffering in silence?
is it out-dancing john travolta?
is it an appreciation of rimbaud or goya?
is it squeaking loudest on the squash court?
is it beating up strangers in a dark street?
is it climbing the worlds highest peaks?
is it beating your wife and kids?
is it telling your mates you love them at the urinal?
is it shooting indigenous people?
is it being able to darn your socks?
is it leaving the last cheesy poof?

bloody no! it's opening your beer on a stake in edinburgh gardens.... shock and oar!!!

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

no, apparently not... dammit

It was a joke I made up, and you fell for it like the fascists you are! ...

it's april fish day!