fugu me

it all was hairy
mainly the aurochs
a spider with an attitude
a few spiders without hats
some bogan milds
battery plains
all that bloody electricity talking bollocks
bloody arses
silly scamming greek men
without washing machines
I should have pointed something out
about which i didnt know a cazzo
what a fecking debacle
the first decade
i had no idea
as if i would have and idea
what am i
some kind of electricity smelling shoefearer?
vaffanculo
3 days of hours of silly blah blah
makepeace makeweight
then bokko!
everything is lovely again
no need for drillomaticus fantasticus
its all up and rosy cheeked dimishing daisy
super
thanks for asking
and all the flim flam and tiredness
dont ask the question of yourself
theres no point growing there
going out for gude times?
staying putt for the 13th green grass of holmes?
shilly was shallied
shimmies were shuddered
and its fucked up, up and awwwaaaaaaaayter
the swinging lantern of good fortune
one course banana
two course banana
three course banana
and so on bananas and bananas
dead fish
live rice
tempura in a soup of yummy sobers
beans of bread
soup of the day
dumplings of love
pretty colours and burning nostrils
a beverage
chief sitting green tea
honey money
and straaaaaaaaawerburried
a long list of wild animals basted for another day

all the greats...

Mr. Jolly: Listen, just because my surname is Jolly doesn't mean I am jolly all the fucking time!

Mr. Jolly: And no-one knows you're here?

Nicholas Parsons: Excuse me? Can I use your phone?
Mr. Jolly: Fuck off!
Nicholas Parsons: I'm Nicholas Parsons, can I...
Mr. Jolly: Fuck off!
Nicholas Parsons: I'm...
Mr. Jolly: I heard you the first time, I don't care if you're Bob fucking Monkhouse. Fuck off. Do I need to spell it out for you? F-U-C...

Dreamytime Escort: Let's play a game. I go out of the room... and then... I come back in. Have you got that? Right. I'll go first.

Dreamytime Escort, Dreamytime Escort: Escorts, bescorts - Come in if you're saucy!
Dreamytime Escort: Nicholas bloody Parsons!
Dreamytime Escort: Morning, Ralph, how's the cuddly-toy business?
Mr. Jolly: Who the fuck are you?
[pause, then quickly]
Mr. Jolly: Oh, right. It's lovely thanks.

Dreamytime Escort: Well, that's Fattie's money out of the window.
Dreamytime Escort: And Fattie.
Dreamytime Escort: Well, it was his own fault. When drunk you should never play "who
can jump out of the window the best."
Dreamytime Escort: Especially on the 18th floor.

Dreamytime Escort: Look, all I'm saying is you can't have an advert in the Times that says, "What are you doing this weekend, fancy getting drunk?" You have to put the telephone number!
Dreamytime Escort: But we know the telephone number!

Dreamytime Escort: We've got a booking! A Mr Yakimoto
Dreamytime Escort: Oh great, another French bastard.

Dreamytime Escort: What could be better than living above an off-license?
Dreamytime Escort: Living in one?
Dreamytime Escort: You're right. We need to become much more friendly with Heimi Henderson

Dreamytime Escort: It's not fair. I mean, what's Mr Jolly got that we haven't got?
Dreamytime Escort: Our Fairy Liquid.

Dreamytime Escort: One thousand, five hundred and seventy four gin and tonics please Monica.
Dreamytime Escort: LARGE ones.

Policeman: Are you drunk, sir?
Dreamytime Escort: Of course I am, I'm out of my bloody mind, I've just spent three thousand quid in there.

Dreamytime Escort: So, Nicholas. I suppose you spend most of your time opening supermarkets and heliports, these days.
Nicholas Parsons: Well, yes. You... You know how it is. As a matter of fact tomorrow I am opening an off-license.
Dreamytime Escort: [both Dreamytime Escorts stare at Nicholas] You're opening an off-license?
Nicholas Parsons: yes, an off-license.
Dreamytime Escort: GOD! Imagine being so important you can open an off-license!
Dreamytime Escort: And we're with him right now, aren't we Nicky baby?

Dreamytime Escort: Yes yes yes, it's a fantastic house, Nicholas. Now. Have you got any dirty films?
Nicholas Parsons: No!
Dreamytime Escort: You BASTARD!

non e' che ti dico una cazzata qualsiasi

sono stanco
non capisco piu il perche
il mio vocabulario mi sta abbandonando
semmai non bastasse la tastiera sbagliata
mi ero stufato di sbattere la testa contro quei libri
dov'e il relax?
io non ci poteva farne piu
le foibe, il rotazione degli ortiche, quel tipo che amava il duce
la poverta della campania, ma non si chiama campania
quindi ho cambiato idea
ho cambiato il modo di ragionare
infatti ho smesso di ragionare
sono cerchi infiniti
concentrichi
finche non smariscono nel orrizonte
sempre li'
li' nel mezzo
ooooooooooops
il cervello fuso che non sa piu reagire
ma vaffanculo

joey baby, didn't ever get crazy

Joey was a shining star
still might be too
she lived in a big house somewhere in boganlandia
and went to upway high school
for a fleeting moment she thought i looked like river phoenix
she was wrong
i just had a floppy blondeish fringe
and happened to be shouting in east ringwood
with skinny arms and a wonky union jack t
she decided i should be her deb partner
kind parents even paid for my dancing lessons
not my dancing booties tho
she was the tallest of all the birds
so we had to go first
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i sat on a train from heefmont to upweigh
a bit stoned
head leaning against the window
watching the trees and houses whizz by
some fresh faced kid showed up on the night
with a silly pony tail and a rented dinner luxedo
i saw a photo of him once
barely recognised the geezer
we had a trip in a limo
and the after party was at her parents place
she gave me a lovely girls blouse
with the buttons on the wrong side
i gave her something shiny
all rather surreal
she even took me for a ride on the motorbike
that was a first
she went with her friends to Joanna on the coast
said it was great
hanging out with melissa
who brokes flamin's heart and went out with tile
i got in trub for twanging her bra strap
and she had a wicked wicked temper
she offered me her tape of gold afternoon fix
for my burgeoning love
but we never really had that much to say to eachother

Wham Bam thanks a lot Man

so it showed up
i was surprised
she was surprised
he was surprised
well you get the picture....
the faintest of recollections
something about incoherence
flouncing into the light
couldnt be sure
but it makes the most sense
in this senseless debacle
the white knight
the bedtime story
the gaspers and their exile
the whining and dining
what does it say about us then?
not very many good things
thats what it says
the irresistable pull of the senses
stuffing ever more down gullets
the suspension of common sense
all in the name of more
more dammit
it doesnt bear thinking about
itd topple over
like a breast bearer
they sure have their work cut out
there was a lot of shocked faces
the crab pilot cashed in
gave some sound advice and pocketed the goods
surely it couldnt be!
there it was.
some lovely work by the beaver precision parking team
all i had to do was look at .... well you
stories had to be concocted
to tell the fuzz
to tell the scuzz
and to tell all in a salacious best seller
remarkable really

i've got that falling swingers sensation

THIS IS THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THE WOR

WOMEN WHOM DISLIKE ANY KIND OF KINKY SEX
WOMEN THAT DISLIKE MEN
WOMEN THAT DISLIKE WOMEN
WOMEN THAT DISLIKE POPPERS
WOMEN THAT DISLIKE GRANIES
WOMEN THAT LIKE WOMEN
WOMEN THAT LIKE JOHN HOWARD
WOMEN THAT DONT LIKE JOHN HOWARD
JOHN HOWARD
AND WELL THATS ABOUT IT OTHER THAN THESE FEW THINGS, AND PLEASE REMEMBER THIS ITS IMPORTANT.
THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE ARE DOGS, CATS (FOR BOOTING) AND OTHER ASSORTED DOG LKE ANIMALS.
NAUGHTY CHICKS (NOT THE PEA VARIETY)
AND WELL ANYTHING THAT IS WELL JUST NAUGHTY, MMM WELL NOT COMPLETELY NAUGHTY
BUT JUST A LITTLE NAUGHTY.. OK A SLUT....MMMMMMMM LOLLIES YUMM
YEP A GOOD ROAST, SOME MASH AND SOME SWEET CORN ON THE COB, OHHH YEA THATS THE STUFF

EVENING ALL TAKE CARE AND REMEMBER PEACE AND GOOD WILL TO ALL YOU MUTHA FUCKERS

dave says

in this world of trouble and tribuations i find that the complications the divert our attentions from our true calling pass us by insesently and challange us to try and keep our true selfs from being us, after all if we are not our self then who are we??????? so now time for a poem, yes i hear you ay boooooring but no wait!!!!!!!

computer my love my soul
i punch you, but no, not just in any hole
you turn on for me you turn off
but you no real haselhof
sweet to me you sing you beckon
but still you seeze you fuck
what!!! you need a buck????
well fuck you you machine
your just some from of mechanical slut
i hate you i love you
and if i could youd be the one id fuck!!!!!!!!!
naaaaaa you tramp of electronic stuff


yes so here we are, confused???? well lick my arse and make sexy talk to it, i promise i wont fart...

so maybe for now ill go but if you have a comment


FUCK OFF LOOOSER

Cesare Pavese is really quite a jovial fellow

Verrà la morte e avrà i tuoi occhi

Verrà la morte e avrà i tuoi occhi-
questa morte che ci accompagna
dal mattino alla sera, insonne,
sorda, come un vecchio rimorso
o un vizio assurdo. I tuoi occhi
saranno una vana parola,
un grido taciuto, un silenzio.
Così li vedi ogni mattina
quando su te sola ti pieghi
nello specchio. O cara speranza,
quel giorno sapremo anche noi
che sei la vita e sei il nulla

Per tutti la morte ha uno sguardo.
Verrà la morte e avrà i tuoi occhi.
Sarà come smettere un vizio,
come vedere nello specchio
riemergere un viso morto,
come ascoltare un labbro chiuso.
Scenderemo nel gorgo muti.


Death will stare at me out of your eyes

Death will stare at me out of your eyes;
this death who accompanies us
from morning to night, sleepless,
dull, like an old remorse
or an absurd vice. Your eyes
will be a vain word
an unspoken scream, a silence.
So you see them each morning
when you gaze alone
on the mirror. O dear hope,
that day we'll know too,
that you are the life and the void.
To everyone death has a look
Death will stare at me out of your eyes.
It will be like giving up a vice,
like seeing in the mirror
a dead face re-emerge,
like listening to a silent lip.
We'll go down into the whirlpool without words.

driving, driving, driving, driving, driving, driving, driving

and repeat,
back to your marks... pull up your leg warmers and start again
driving, driving, driving...

the shambles mile

what a bloody shambles
off you go then...
collect the pieces
round up the errant h's
show all the disrespect in the world
not like any bastard would take you to task
theres a particularly untidy section
bottom left
its a disgrace it is
probably cant even feel it
inside or out
now its out in the open
the bottom right isnt looking too crash hot either
nor that squibbly bit bang in the middle
and the upper zone is a bleeding mess
i hope not literally tho
scrape up that bit of wotsit
pile all the rubble up
sidefoot the fogginess
this isnt the place for secrets
unwrap that parcel
but for fucks sake
put stack the contents in an orderly manner
stop bitching about it
nobody can hear
and nobody could care less
you almost need a dozer in here to clear a path
the jetsam is obstructing the flotsam
talk about clutter
funk dat
you must take responsability for your actions
tidy up after yourself
its grim going at the best of times
and then we all have to take a bath in this shite
its just senseless
an enormous waste
and then what?
that old bloke called hector must really have wound somebody up

that's where we ended up...

our love admire
looks like our lifetime ban just expired
vampire dinosaur
let me buy you a drink
i do not believe i have ever bought you...
imagine you are in a game
look, he's picking his nose
he's not nobody
and they called it puppy love
and a series of mysterious murders
the streets of london
some are playing it all down
do they have any legs at all
that can only worse the diplomatic atmosphere
pakistan warns
propaganda is very important in the wider war
he's become the first scalp
rigging fake contestants
fuck off
i wont buy that
or this
and i WONT buy those political propaganda
special envoy
we wont exclude anybody from having their say
and human rights
a b for peacekeeping
after admitting that a series of....
oh stop fucking with bbc
who's crusade is this?
you have every right to be angry
all member have to carry a card
MANDIBA MAN!
we all need to come together
work across national boundaries
screw your robben island
this iniative is just another
for a man almost always on a mission
the vast studio set was near deserted
three weeks before the start of the tour
top spot in group d
austria failed to respond
where oblivion is beckoning...

It's the end of the world as we know it, and Ligabue feels fine

What follows is very interesting, but I cannot be bothered translating it...

Ligabue raccontò che mentre ascoltava la versione originale, suonandoci sopra gli venne l'idea di scrivere un testo italiano che si adattasse a quella musica. Nella trasmissione Storytellers andata in onda su MTV Italia il 6 febbraio 2006 Ligabue ha precisato che l'idea di questa cover e` nata dal discorso iniziale della prima legislatura di Silvio Berlusconi: in questo discorso il Cavaliere sosteneva che i media in suo possesso non avessero per nulla influito sulla vittoria del suo partito. Il fatto che Forza Italia fosse riuscita a passare da zero a partito di maggioranza relativa (in un periodo dove ogni mezzo punto guadagnato da un partito a discapito dello schieramento opposto veniva celebrato come una vittoria) suscitava in Ligabue forti perplessità sul suddetto discorso. Nel testo della canzone il Liga immagina la situazione che si verrebbe a creare se arrivasse la fine del mondo ai giorni nostri, con la gente che piuttosto che scendere per strada a vedere cosa accade preferirebbe godersi lo "spettacolo" dalla poltrona di casa davanti alla televisione.

A che ora è la fine del Mondo? - To the tune of REM track above mentioned.

Che or'è, scusa ma che or'è
Che non lo posso perdere l'ultimo spettacolo
Fine del Mondo in Mondovisione, diretta da San Pietro per l'occasione
La borsa sale, i maroni no, Ferri batte il record di autogol
Le liste del Giudizio Universale saranno trasmesse dai telegiornali
A reti unificate e poi sulla pagina 666
Prima però su Canale 9 ci sarà il terzo Festival del dolore
Con la finale dei casi umani meno meno umani che mai
I puttanieri ci diano dentro, che là di là niente ciccia, niente
Niente ma tu giri più leggero, bruciando le tue scorte di preservativi
Fiorin fiorello, l'amore è bello se ci sei tu
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo, che rete è?
Destra, sinistra, su, giù, centro, fine del Mondo con palle in giramento
Che chi è fuori è fuori e chi è dentro è dentro, e fuori TV non sei niente
Ultimo appello per i merdaioli, finitevi la merce che di là non funziona
Altro girone, altro regalo, niente caramelle per i leccaculo
OK, il girone è giusto, OK!
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo, che rete è? Che ora è? Che rete è? Che ora è?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo, che rete è?
Forse là di là mancherà qualcosa: casa, chiesa, tele e cosa?
Serial killers, serial politici, morti in diretta, i migliori casi clinici
Cazzi vostri in onda, OK!
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo?
A che ora è la fine del Mondo, che rete è?

and i guess

but i just dont know...

it went a bit like this...

suited and booted thanks to Mr Whoove
giggles and girty thanks to Ms Howve
A crab with a non drunken driver
an auction with no end
in the sense of 'if one isn't present it doesnt exist'
good luck to whoever bites that bunch of bullets
oot the front there is the patron
past the snot brigade and into the hall of modicums
is it classy or just twatty
super dining options
along with white, red and amber lubrication
strange apron kits on the wait ladies
seemed all a bit thai for two
lucky i looked flash
but felt not a little like an imposter
like a tefl teacher waiting to be busted for not knowing what an article is
i know that feeling all too well...
collingball, my childhood love
were playing geefoot my other childhood crush
thoughts out to AJM
magnificent viewing with comfy padded seats
no 1956 olympic cushion needed here
lots of athletic prowess
and not little endeavour
tens of thousands of eager beavers
creating an atmos that would make rugby fools drivel
class showed over endeavour
as my reserve of red seemed imposing
elevator music didnt raise the roof
but innocuity can be a good thing
the second harf was viewed from tables and behind glass walls
some hopes were raised
then eventually manfully dashed
it seems good taste prevailed in the face of stuffed shirtism
a pleasant surprise really
check your head
but not your scarf

back to the drill again

ma non c'e la faccio piu con questo drill di merda
non mi ricordo nemmeno come si scrive questa parola
ma 'sto stronzo
con i suoi apparecchi
una grande sega del cazzo
per un grande segaiolo
ogni beata mattina c'e
a rompermi i coglioni
si dice che sia un tipo simpatico
ma mi sono stuffato fin qui
apparentamente sta rifacendo il paveminto con legno
e non mi ricordo neanche questa parola
cazzo
be, ottimo, buon fucking divertimento bello pelato
almeno lui ha dovuto avere da fare con la strega-bestia
mi ne sono sicuro
si sarebbe messo li' in faccia sua
a chiedergli domande stupide
a dargli consigli di merda
patetica putana
ma prima o poi
se ne andra
e ci sara gioia in questo palazzo
la suzanne fara' una festa enorme
pero', c'e sempre il pericolo che trovera' riparo nel appartamento accanto a lei
questo sarebbe un gran bel fine mondo per la suzanne
la vita e' gia abbastanza una sfida
senza avere una psicopatica cosi vicino
di deve sentire le sue pazzie attraverso le mure
tranne quella gente mitica
ci sono altri eroi qui in giro
nel posto dei finocchi c'e una tipa con la macchina di merda con un adesivo di pantera!
fortunatamente non suona le musica schifoso sempre come l'hanno fatto loro
immagina la pantera ad tutti le ore, e poi le sbattimento delle mani!
c'e ancora un' altro finocchio nel numero cinque
a me pare piu o meno simpatico
poi, nel ultimo piano...
c'e un tipaccio molto yuppy
che ovviamente si crede di essere molto figo
che lo rende il tipo di gente piu schifoso a me
con la sua macchina quattro per quattro
capelli tinti e abiti
Prossimo, c'e una tipa abbastanza figa
non nel senso del figa-maestro erik
non molto interessante
ma abbastanza carina
una signorina che si sarebbe ben informata dice che una putana
per me, va bene.
Quindi il taxista
non so niente di lui
fa sempre cazzi suoi
si giri in bici e fa il bravo a portare le bidone
e finalmente c'e la coppia grigia
certamente non sono delle emminenze grigie
ogni tanto si sente una linga straniera da loro
ma non lo sento mai abbastanza al lungo per riconoscerlo
puodarsi sono della repubblica cecca
anche loro fanno i cazzi loro
si e visto che ogni anno se ne vanno per parecchi mesi
nel loro paese d'origine
be, buon divertimento ragazzi ma ci serve delle faccie cosi' toste?

amazing spicegirls reunion

sure they aren't looking so hot these days... but minger spice is still very figa

skateboarding in mumbles

just by chance i am strolling down the foreshore in mumbles
the water is way out
or is it way in?
its overcast and chilly
thats my mumbles
into the car park infront of the roundabout
best use the payphone to call bob
let him know im in town
in the country etc
not that i know why i am here
look theres bob
in the other phone booth
what's he doing there?
'no, no, no' he says, 'the one to do is this...'
he doesn't even seem to be surprised to see me
how odd
its like i never went anywhere
what year is it - 1996 or 2006?
the king of mobile phones is using a pay phone?
this doesnt add up
alright skipster, lets head up to mine, he says
we head up to his place opposite the park
but bob i thought you had moved back to Newton?
ahhh there were some complications
its never what you expect with bob
next thing we are up in newton
i imagine bob has popped off to the rock and fountain
my childhood skateboard is there
apparently dodgy 70's blue-with multicoloured arrows are really cool now in Swansea
that's a large surprise
not as large as it should be though
there are little kids zipping about the shop on ones a bit like mine
being all retro and cool
it seems i have accidentally become hip
bob's off somewhere wheeling some deals
or dealing some wheels
you never know with bob
i still cant get over the fact that he's not even remotely surprised to see me
and im off down newton rd
skating my heart out
being seriously scared about it
out of my way children like
past threshers
past the 2 bakeries
the charity shoppe
the overpriced fish shop
all the greats
fucking tooooooooooooorists
the dodgy travel agents who didnt know how to cope with an australian going to egypt
under the scaffolding
lucky its got gaudy yellow bits on it so i dont smash my head off
but what happens when i get to the bottom?
theres the bloody roundabout!

la coppa della bibita

there was a man
it wasnt jack white
i know this coz there wasnt meg white
or any white/black/red trimmings
this man had ginger hair
his friends probably called him the ginger ninja
or the ginger whinger
or if they were from a certain part it might have been the ginger minger
if they weren't from that part, it wouldn't have made much sense
this man had a muppety green and white beanie type hat
horizontally striped like celtic FC's colours - hoops
he also had a ginger beard
and big bad spot
he caught a bus past paul kelly's memories
all the way from how groovy is groovy is aint so groovyroy
he talked about evo
not devo
but evo
everybody seemed to know evo
except me
he smoked roll ups
and roll ups with extra goody smell
and drank beer from a stubby holder of some variety
it didnt belong to meredith though
i found him hard to read
was he a cool friendly bloke
or was he a twat
or was I a cool friendly twat
maybe that is just what people do on pilgrimmages
nobody knew about the goat
that yummy yummy goat
not the schnaa chicky selling tix
not her mate who made a big 'what the fuck?' face
there was a band from telly
and a barnyard love in a mumsy way not in a big figa way
and that chick that twangs your heart strings whether you like it or not
beavis found a goat chained up behind a hill
we milked it
then we found the soooonshine
and the ginger bloke
we munched and crunched
some big noise came from over there
and something happened very far away
there were some ooohs and aahhhhhs
another mumsy wumsy tracie flapped about
and some blokes, some other birds and some kids
at orange time a helmut with a stick stuck in it hoooted
then it was all about something again
blokes, chicks, kids... and streakers
they were my highlight
then we went for a pint
on point of principle
and paul kelly kept hassling us
any old excuse to push past us again
6 times in 15 minutes
just getting a pint of water
just getting a pint of stout
just getting a pint of hasselfhoff extra cheesy
just getting a pint of ale
just getting a pint of mixed toilet lollies
just get your fucking pint paul...
suspicions were confirmed when he pulled out a cd from under his leather jacket tried to sell us this black market copy of his new album...
its called 'just getting a pint'
dodgy geezer, trying that subliminal or something advertising on us.
luckily i had my paul kelly proof underwear on
a rumble grew in the background
and we left as the night was yet young and no fun is good fun

oh i nearly forgot, everything was simply lovely...

Personal Bill of Lunch

Personal Bill of Lunch ($45)


1. I have the right to suck as much munch as I wish
2. I have the right to say no to everybody all the bloody time
3. I have the right to ignore common sense
4. I have the right to lunch, and it’s going to be fruity
5. I have the right to rant senselessly at anybody in range
6. I have the right to swim in my own slurry
7. I have the right to disregard all counsel which doesn’t involve violation
8. I have the right to impose my own ill-conceived opinions on others
9. I have the right not to be responsible for absolutely anything I do, ever
10. I have the right to lie, deceive and pilfer
11. I have the right to be angry at any bastard I choose
12. I have the right to be clone my butt
13. I have the right to lunch myself in fear
14. I have the right to demean others and rub their faces in it
15. I have the right to never justify my bad behaviour
16. I have the right to make decisions based on passing whims or fancies
17. I have the right to my own needs for Beavis’ thumb
18. I have the right to speak unmitigated panty waste
19. I have the right to have Ivan Milat move in next door
20. I have the right to abuse my environment
21. I have the right to make my friends and use tinned spaghetti for their hair
22. I have the right to change my pants
23. I have the right to disrespect others wants and needs
24. I have the right to be treated with lashings of ginger beer
25. I have the right to be particularly snappy

no fire below you

I don't know
I don't know
I don't lie
I can't know
I can't imagine
I won't know
I won't tell
You say no
I shan't say
You never knew
My error of judgement
You won't know
I stand back
She didn't know
I'm unchanged
You cry no
I slipped out
they don't know
I don't doubt
You cannot know
That's the place
They won't know
I'm removed
It won't show
It's relaxed
He shan't know
I'm unhinged
I'll say no
It's transformed
he died below