fotte zio

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Ill fitting head

Picture this;
You go forth for a lovely day at the phlegmball
Make an arduous trip unnecessarily more arduous
hair fixing and steaming machines
miss the last goat boat at moat central
travel at sublime time speed
scrabble onto a cartload of rabble
become agreeably late
grin inanely at the familiar icons
when you land, make a shorter than expected pilgrimmage
enter a public house full of public
meet up with seemingly pleasant folk
so good so far... i'm sure you will agree
the mutual friends mosey off to powder their behinds (simultaneously)
3 fresh acquaintances, real adult bloke ones, making small talk...
lovely day for it
where do you live then?
so you are Anna's Aunt?
who is Anna...?
who do you fancy for the 2.25 at Chepstow?
Sad Ken hey?
make mine a flat flavourless one
cheers mate
You were backing communism ?
Perfectly understandable
the fervour of the times
No, never ridden an elephant
Sure you have!
does his bum look big in this?
not as big as his beret!
there are no trams in Abergeveny you know
no, there never were... you are thinking of Aberystwyth!
yeah, yeah
You get the picture...
then BOKKO!
from the mouth of the pleasantly funny looking chap a deep bowel-rattling baritone thunders...
"I WILL EAT AND DIGEST YOU ALL WITH MY SYSTEM OF MIGHTY ORGANS. BEHOLD!"
and he ripped open his chest cavity for all to admire bespoke organs...

time stands still
4 eyes fix on bulging veins
then on eachother
fellow patrons stop dead
thuggish polynesian hard men stiffen up
mutual friends appear
at co-incidentally timed 30 second intervals
he's fixing his hair
she's grinning sheepishly

Slowly the hububb picks up where the rhubarb left off
One word please,
Have you noticed that his arms flail around?
the eyes look in opposite directions
His head doesn't quite sit straight
and nobody has worn those shorts since 1984!

asbestos in obstetrics

Well well well...
pozzo pozzo pozzo
back in black with white cubes
back on track without slack
flying in the wind
all these great ideas binned
boxes in boxes
garages in garages
parking your pompino
parking in the parking
camping at the camping
footing to the jogging
salvagente, small world
grey and greyer
zips and rips
clamber through a rock bolt hole
what is beyond that wall of sound?
an orange duck
passes no judgement
a Juicy on her mission
rocks and stones may break your bones
but a boner rock
is to be found
scrabble left
scrabble right
there they come
marching up the beaches
bayonettes raised and protuberances poised
a carry on
that never was carried on...
sospiro profondo

The Capsule & The SBFplanade

what's that mad quacking ?
folding, taping and placing?
the bells of other mens' hells...
good news everyone
it's time to get the shit together
arrange your stash
juggle the cards
ravel your cord
herd the llamas into the large box
rewind your borrowed DVDs
exhale all the drugs into small baggies
prick your inflatable dollies
try to gulp back all the bullshit you have released on the world
dissemble your easel
turn on the lights in the dark room
unplug the electric maraccas
eccetera eccetera

a trip to the capsule
lots of brown wood noise
and white, white
natural light
click on the clacker
insert key and gyrate 3 times to the left
play sardines in the Entry Zone
wonder just what it would be like if it broke down
sure makes it hard to rob the bank
pull tight the gate
make for the doorrrrrrrrrr
many keys
more portals
the scary door
that leads to nowhere
the BIG door
which hides the BIG cup
doors to other worlds
and the little boy's room
deceitful storage
Dali-esque tricks on the mind's eye

Let the capsule dissolve in your gullet
nuff said?
off to Italo-Scozzese-Francese ristorante
laments and bemoans
Pizza that doesn't resemble pizza
a twilight plate of food
Piazza di Margate?
what the fuck ?
move onwards and leewards
2 sheets to the wind
3 sheets to set sail
our armada didn't get dashed on the atlantic coast
a big bad landmark
just like on TV
but not on TV
with a bigger, badder and bruttier residential tower looming large
some old same old
and isn't the Damon so lovely
Primrose Will?
Death to Bojangles
blocking ooer vue
who is this man?
high dealing,
big wheeling
Leon wielding
no joy in this joyless void
take a seat
make the most of your foam
admire nature in her many splendid forms
big hair where?
big hair there
biological meter is ticking
generations of reason
polish or perish

Tavolo the Impaler

There once barely existed a faraway village
in the Really Quite Overcast Ages
Somewhere in mittle Europe
where people scuttled between houses
spoke some impenetrable language
looked kind of surly and swarthy
and wore those strange trouser-girdle numbers
thatched roofs
thatched windows
thatched benchtop work spaces
thatched thatches
(ever wonder how Maggie got so rich?)
on a craggy cliff top overlooking this hamlet
was the castle of the Evil One
It was a fairly bog standard castle
Ramparts, drawbridges, turrets and a general air of menace
the locals could never be drawn on their feudal overlord
At the public house a 'strictly no felt-tip' policy was enforced
any questions by curious strangers abroad the land were shrugged off like a cheap pizza haus uniform
young and middle-aged wives' tales abounded about the maester
but it weren't the maester that provided the danger
nor his spooky abode
'twas what was 'round back that zipped the lips twixt
for this shat-eau of gloom
had a special dungeon
that was the right of only the most aristocratic fear strikers...
'twas an outdoor (some time heated) dungeon
in the murky waters of said dungeon did true evil lurk..
in front of the palm trees
a bit to the left of the outdoor entertainment and human sacrifice area
not near the spa
not anywhere near a diving board
this place WAS bad
it didn't need beat its chest and make bold melodious claims

it was rumoured that in the depths of this dungeon of dastardliness
floating gently on the surface really
circulated a piece of art
an installation
so full of loathing, hatred and bad karma
lazing its way back and forth
clockwise, anti...
figure-eights
back and FRO
you name it...
of a chilling white hue
which glared in the sunshine
to blend in with the solidly blue background
it bumped and grinded
road the waves of impunity
waiting for the next victim
flotsam and jetsam were forever being cast its way
stympies, footballs, newspapers of language
pre-loved alcohol containers
chairs, tables and buffoons
the occasional innocent was said to have ventured 'round back
and on return
to never have been quite the same

How was it called,
this beast with no name,
that held its sting close
cruelly mocking
unmissable
jutting straight up into the air
like a harbinger of plastic doom
waiting for the next blind apostate

T'was no lesser evil than ....
Tavolo the Impaler

The Sluicer Gooser

Well, where to begin....?
I have never written to a bloke with a wart on his knob before
anyway, here goes.
Hi Sluice Goose,
I was just thinking about you. Mainly because I didn't have anything else to think about. There is no reality TV shows on and I have cut off all my digits and put them in 3 flavour ice cream. Anyway, this is supposed to be a salutation to an object of my affection. So .... errr .... how is your work/children/weather report/asthmatic aardvark? It would really mean a lot to me if you could tell me about it/them/it/it. I mean, it's not every day you meet a bloke as fascinating as you. I met 15 on Wednesday past.
Does the expression 'au-go-going through your potions' mean anything to you?
It certainly doesn't to me. Anyway, now I have made a small black animated child a little more meaningful, must dash!
thanks for the good times
(figuratively speaking)
I hope to find you on the other side and with those green trousers you talked so much about...
wink wonk
Your biggest fan this side of the episcopal boundary rider
Kevin B-B'stardvis

make mine a bourbon and keyboard

a recipe for disaster
ingredients:
1 part keyboard
4 parts Bourbon
1 part pissed idiot
2 parts missing keys
2 parts climbing in the window
17 parts stomped on flowers
1 part flyscreen misplaced
112 parts amazement that nothing got broken
13 parts smiling assassin
4 parts Horn of Africa taxi driver
9.5 parts ranting and raving
40 parts goodish intentions
4 parts interpersonal stimulation
0.5 part never gonna do that again
20 parts sidepart
16 parts bad pronunciation

Method;
1. mix all ingredients with varying success
2. try not to fall over
3. do not impale yourself on art installation
4. have a 'great idea'
5. seek to change the galaxy by doing precisely nothing
6. feel thirsty
7. add motorbike chain and oil
8. swig at bottle of bourbon
9. miss head completely
10. apply liberally to keyboard
11. ecco pronto!!!

Simone de Beavoirvis

There she sat under her favourite tree
dainty white frock and wide brimmed hat
Pale as-can-be complexion
pretty nose curled in concentration
it wasn't a very good tree
one of those crappy falling-down ones
it didn't provide much shade actually
and the ants kept biting her on the arse
it was here she came to think, write, sketch and scaccolarsi
as it was a tuesday it was sketching day
but she didn't really give a toss any more
not since she saw Daddy nobbing the butler in the linen press
every time she picked up a pencil
that same horrid image came back to her
being a nice girl she didn't wish to draw things like that
bumble bees and babbling brooks had more b's in them
the other girls in town had started calling her Dad names
she didn't know what they meant,
but she knew they weren't good
He didn't even like fudge!
He didn't know anybody called Ben from Dover!
They all knew his name was Bruce
so why did they call him Roger?
off the in the distance a grouse cooed to it's partner
their days of sweet loving were numbered, she thought
not to mention the bulk-aces...
their highly prized plumage made them endangered around these parts
In a few weeks Iain, Bob and the rest of the gents from the CAD's Club would be here
barking orders at their dogs
and shoot and re-load
and shoot and re-load
until there was a bloody mess underfoot
and panting doggies seeking out the shade,
the wives would sit gossiping and tittering at the table
under their umbrellas
corsets holding everything in place
sipping on their gin and tonics
oh how she longed to be grown-up and join in
she knew how they teased Beatrice about Harold from the Pony Club
imagine how they would taunt me if they knew about Leon and I!
it didn't bear thinking about...
he was so dashing
if only he would stop frequenting that git
ahhh Leon, there was a muse!
OUCH!
bastard little ants, she thought
bringing her back from her daydreams
one of these days i will bake them in a pie!
now, back straight
pencil poised
mind's eye focussed
no, no, no...
this simply won't do at all.
a thought furrowed her adorable brow...
maybe that's why they say 'the butler did it'
but he didn't actually seem to be doing that much

gold = duck

in a land far far away
there is a fabled place called gold = duck
not maggot = baby fly
you wont find it doodling about the high street in Winchester
you wont find it power walking around the Darwin central
you wont find it gawking like a fool in Bologna
you wont find it dragging yourself by your lips in Santiago del Chile
you wont find it blah blah blah
look a little closer next time you exit the house in a hurry
don't dash down the stairs without stopping to look up
take 30 seconds once you open the car door to look to the left
instead of holding your toast with your spare hand, hold your gaze straight ahead
breathe, count your blessings... won't take too long
close your eyes
block out the noise
turn off the chatter
smell the gold
inhale the duck
what's it all about?
on the insides of your eyelids you will make out the faint outline of a duck
the slightest of golden tinges will demand your attention
you may brush it aside
like so many before you
but within a week your dreams will be punctuated by inexplicable images
a man, standing alone on a windswept beach
a goat, chewing on a saucepan
a chisel, chatting lightly with your great grandmother you never knew
an overwhelming sense of discomfort
the sense of travelling at great speed towards a dot on the floor
of someone elses kitchen
a chanting that makes sense
but not to you...
and the moment before your untimely demise....
GOLD WILL EQUAL DUCK

I'm interesed in ..... apoplexy?

I've lost interest...

How the world works c/o Connex trains

So it looks like this
a train carriage full of clowns
dressed up in mostly matching get ups
looking glum, pensive, grumpy or just plain over it
the 3 respectable gents in their 40's
half awake, not much left to say after the day's events
the freshly busted out of teens couple
with cute little baby in matching clown suit
Mummy clown fawning over baby clown
Daddy clown fawning over mummy clown
and Uncle clown thinking that the boss was going to take it out of his wages
Episode 4, a dew nope?
Not much hope felt from the other side of the carriage
a gaggle of girlies in matching clown kit
looking, giggling and almost drowning in badges, scarves etc
Ducking behind heads
adjusting of fringes
Didn't the dynamic change when we stopped at postage station!
a gaggle minus a the majority equals 1
now looking very shy,
not so giggly
eyes darting about.
a debonair couple counting down the stops and minutes
the spiky haired bogey boys
proudly displaying their clown clathes
a couple in their 50's
a comfortable rapport
disappointed but not despairing
a good natured sense of camaraderie
even a clown from another town
dressed in his special clown kit for 'special' renaissance clowns
i promising beginning if ever there was one...

Stella Artois and other trouser snakes

Okay, now everybody sit in a circle
put your arms around the person on your left
'that' left harry!
close your eyes
listen to the cheesy ambient music soothing your id
ok chillunn, arms around the shoulders of the chillun next to you
AND
hands where I can see them
Imagine you are by the sea
feel the sandy grit between your toes
your own toes Nobby!
listen to the gentle hush, crackle and rumble of the waves lapping
let your mind drift
you are not in a dark room with your fellow pupils of questionable parentage
you are not drinking glue, Paul
You feel your legs starting to liquify
you feel the orange coloured liquid burning behind your eyelids
Nigel, put that away! you pervy little cunt!
the call of the seagulls pulls you away
you have become at one with your environs
NO, A SEAGULL DID NOT SHIT ON YOUR EAR DICKIE!!!
Where were we....?
Ahh, empty your minds of all conscious thought children
Shouldn't be too hard for you Elizabeth...
What? nothing...
Now, your parents mustn't know about our group 'hugs'
they might become angry at you,
you know what parents are like...
it IS completely natural Phyllis
now... you may feel a little prick....

who ev er........

i am so great.........

i am so great.........

i am so great..........

so......

so.......

how do you feel about the ethernet?? Camel


Wonderpants
Flatulence
Camelance
Recalcetrance
France
Ants in your Pants
Adam and the Ants
Take a chance
Hmmmmmmm...
:-)
)))

'Doctor' and other words of evil

Fletch
Wretch
Wrench
Wench
Bench
Bunch
Hunch
munch
lunch
lynch
pinch
punch
punk
hunk
monk
spank
plank
rank
crank
blue cave
nick cave
nick cage
oh why?
4 ply
plank
rank
Miserable git
midnight flit
nitwit
twit
twat
splat
railroad tracks
snacky smores
arachno spores
baaa whores
horrse
wars
oregon
oreos
oracle
monacle
monaco
munki
head on
big ron
ivor bigun
ooh err
rascist slurr
drunken blur
parklife
trouble and strife
dead horse
peoples' beds
beloved Ned
Father Ted
He's dead now of course
Homer J Fitz
the Malice, not the Ritz
on the razz
gettin all spazz
taxpayers wage
ruthless age
at this late stage
soothsayer and sage
tea leaves spoken
word unbroken
no more smokin
last token
beady eyes
bad disguise
like all the other guys
Old mother hen
wig and pen
lunch for all
big or small
52 members of the fall
He can't Cope
There's no hope
Formed new order
Alan Border
In Como Hills
can't find my pills
forgotten the keys
bees have knees?
Goats do roam
far from home
dropped his tome
easy to burn
never will learn
face so stern
stomach now churn
a knife through butter
given the putter
left or right
out of sight
Marlboro Gold?

way on down signal st.

what's your sign?
your insignificance is overwhelming.
wheres your signal?
what the hell is an ensign?
sign here please and here, and here and here....
oh lordy lordy lordy won't you give me a sign?
what's the significance of it all ?
intelligent design, what's that... an arse with a degree?
will you be a signatory to this ?
a sign o' the time his pert little purple arse...
just try to imagine a whole language of signs.
I am now resigned to my indignity
Is this your significant other?
designated driver it's your bag baby
Your assignment is to invent a new definition of 'love'
She assigned me the grave task of following her down

boris the shared sign has been laid low
a moment of silence for his family's loss

the great false big hair debacle part 2

Three strapping young men clambered over the rocks
the waves crashed in off in the distance as they picked their way amongst rock pools
and invariably stubbed their piggy wiggies
Strapping no.1 says "are you sure this is a good idea?"
Strapping no.2 says "of course it is... what could possibly go wrong, you big girls blouse?!"
Strapping no.3 says "oh wow, check out the crab in here!"
Strapping no.2 says "that's not a crab, that's your mother'
Strapping no.1 stares worriedly at the rushing grey clouds and then at the booming waves
Strapping no.2 looks at Strapping no. 1 with open contempt
Strapping no.3 remains fixated with the crab, trying to make out the resemblance to his mother...

They found a rock pool big enough to jump in
Stripped down to their smalls and looked at about...
their smalls lurched back in fear
They each carefully placed their smalls in a colour co-ordinated row in a rock with the best view of the water, cooing gently to them
Despite their strappingness, the young fellows knew how to take care of their smalls...

One big hair flapped about purposefully
Glad to be away from the grind of the mill
He couldn't see the bar, nor the one at it....
It seemed a long time since the Strappings strode down that fateful boulevard
Indeed, it seemed it was another life...
Suddenly there was a splash and a yelp
This wasn't turning out at all how they had hoped...

ostrayan eyedull

quick turn off your brain
here come's the reality tv bus
big brudder, idle minds, i'm a turd getta me somewhere, biggest tosser, twats famous for nothing going square dancing,
not much different really from the rest of commercial television in this country...
holiday shows sponsored by resorts, dig up your backyard, change your house, change your wife, self-raising babies, is there a limit to the shite on offer ? no need to participate in life, just watch it.
border paranoia patrol.... oooh look out!
the hordes at the borders trying to get into our lovely white country, funny looking people with different accents and different LANGUAGES and CULCHAS. Keep our horizons broadened, as far as the next suburb. So, world affairs at the moment are, a war against bad people who look different with our mates US and UK (who really couldn't give a toss). something else happened in the US, an Australian got slightly famous in the US, fucking try to stop me beaming with pride. No need to mention the 5 billion other people who inhabit the planet. that'd be un-australian....
there's cops and docs galore, all pouring in from the USA our new spiritual homeland. Advertisements made in the USA, or made in Australia with US accents! fuck that's convinced me.
ring 911 for help! Middle Eastern australians dressing up as ghetto blacks.
Soap? fucking don't insult inanimate cleansing materials. Neighbours and home and away, challenges you keep you on your toes... to get the fuck out of the room and/or the country. Sold and syndicated to sad bastards the world over, who believe Australians live and reason like that.
Sports shows that bang on mindlessly about trivial games. you mean rugby league isn't the worlds most popular game? I can't understand it, it's so....... fucking shit.
never mind that the rest of the world plays and watches other things....
Oz comedy, dig a fucking hole and bury it, the creativity of a slug shredded by razor wire having a bad hair day.
games shows hosted by talentless, humourless, charismaless wankers and barbie doll birdies
current affairs about dole bludgers, sheister businessmen, save $2.20 on your asparagus, and the WORLD'S WORST NEIGHBOURS!!!!!!!!!!!! how low can the common denominator be?
so what have learned today about the world....
wired words of wisdom spoken by bottom obsessed animations
how do you get on tv? you gotta be famous...
how do you get famous? you gotta be on tv...
crank it up for the advertisements.
tell me how to live with a cheery jingle mother fucker?

Caro Diario

Dear Diary,
Today is the 3rd day of Lavatory Lovers camp...
I really miss my parents, Mum and her strap-on goat. Dad and his rectal warts. I wonder what Richard is doing, I hope he's not planting any more bones in my veggie patch! And I even miss little Marguerite and her runny bottom...
I hope they are taking good care of Monkey and Spank. I guess they must be wondering where I am. Gosh, they really are the best weasels a boy could wish, they lick your nose and nibble on your todger.
The guys here at camp are pretty good. At least I think they are. I hang out with Scott and Hank, we tend to keep to ourselves. At least we know each other from Fisties play group. There are a few scary types though. There is that kid called Nige that keeps playing with firelighting fluid and masturbating on the coin operated BBQ. Then there's that big kid, Byker, he's got big hair and keeps punching me on the arm and calling me Martha. I don't know why he does it, but it freaks me. And there are the 2 psycho kids, Sid Scott and Trev the toad. I sure am glad they haven't noticed me much. They keep talking about starting fights with the Lavatory Lovers from Munchly South 3rd, it sounds very exciting but i hope nobody will notice if i stick to hiding in the long grass.
I tried smoking a bark cigarette today, it was kind of fun until Nige came along and tried to impale me with his 'loving stick'. He's weird man. The group leaders keep trying to make us sing, but my voice is crap so I just move my lips along and look at the ground. They also want us to try to earn merit stars, but I really aren't interested. Dogger John says if i don't get at least one badge they will make me stay behind.
I really wish my parents wouldn't make me come here. They think it's good for me, I think it just sucks. I would rather be home watching the Paris Hilton video over and over with Monkey and Spank. They are the only ones that understand me.
Dogger John just said it's lights out, so I gotta end it here. Tommorrow we have to make a noose and hang the biggest animal we can find, Trev the toad reckons he's gonna get a bison. Sounds pretty scary to me.
until tomorrow...

Ox shun

don't waste no time on men of wax
don't back no uterus up
see the tour bus,
know you bearings
to the white hills of endeavour
oh how I miss them
where the camels of ships do play
couch spying and sitting
slimming vertical stripes...
oooh err, don't you look snappy!
clever parking proves to be dumb camping
spying of pot,
where are the plants?
off to the show
something smells a bit fishy
is it old privy breath?
closing on a binge of metal carriages
Beaver Plastics once lived here
now homeless and shadows of their former Beavii
Beaver Packaging took their places
bringing on milla jovovich in the purest of senses
nothing to do with bloody hell...
so many miles from Beaver Housing
alright guvna?
across seas, lands and cloud formations
accents, skin groupings and small variations on the theme of humanity
many a time did we sit,
yon ship of the desert and I
in amongst the belching beasts
2 minutes 'til blast off
the hairy canary standing by
the brains trust standing off
nosin around nosin around
a residence built by young people
for young people
the crowds swelled in their collective trousers
the tension built
and Mr Clever Pants finally came out
a-prancing and a-dancing,
a-preaching and a-leeching
the regulations of the state pronounce that any pro-lapses of the rectum must therefore be protracted beyond any further pronouncements...
SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !
that was the important bit.
the night ship closed his legs
retracted his antennae and made small talk with kitty kat
the functioning of section 13, cell block Q, which shall be henceforth be referred to as the smiling seat of power puts forth the order of the day forthwith........
the hairy canary passes wind
the ebabes smiles benignly
something like a phenomenon soaking up the information
thou shalt stand with your rear facing outwards, shedheads firmly strapped on and any itching, scratching or pining shall be freely interpreted as a gesture of goodwill and desirous of collusion.....
hearty banter, nervous smiles.........
around and around the parcel is passed
bouncy bounce bounce bounce....
the muzak stops
Albert Brown states his wish and throws a coin over his shoulder
No win!
the muzak starts up again...
is that how he affords the gnashers?
bouncy bounce bounce bounce...
the hairy canary tries to wave the bus down
but uses the wrong hand signals
the driver wipes his dill sandwich across the screen and burns off indignantly
who is that snickering?
here kitty kitty....
the muzak stops again
Signorina Akmallagram is left holding the bundle, holds her breath and tries to click her heels
No win!
a fight to the death seems imminent
Marshall Stacked and his good husband look to have set their hearts to schtum
Lesbian Pygmy Revue know what to do...
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye... the pontiff of this accursed hamlet has let it be known that it is for the keep not the forecastle
a flash of blue crosses benevolent ebay shopper
the hairy canary ducks and dives
a tooth from Marshall
some nails from the revue
some milking from Mr Clever Pants
a few loose screws by Marshall
the Revue knows it's now or never
murmuring along the one-legged chorus line...
the social club funds are spent and faded.
Marshall booms cool,
ready to blast inwards and onwards
vass is diss?
a change in the wind
and the sails fail
and Marco Cool plucks the pigeon and it's over....
wot, no cuddle?

J R R Token posting

dragons, elves, dwarves, gollums, caves, dildos, fireworks, horses, heroics, schnaas, despair, evil, gude...
you know the drill