ever feel like you just dont fit in?

 

andre the giant flying japanese airlines...

croony croony, thunder thunder

richard hawley perfectly mixes his sweet sweet voice with HUUUGE guitars.

this gent and his output is pure class. 

if i were from sheffield, i'd build some kind of shrine. (no candles)

2001 (posts) - a bullshit odyssey

in a whirrrrled... where the epic tale of tosh of who ever heard of a limebeaver? was told in spectacular narrow screen, in full (tinny) mono   

via a futuristic pedal powered mechanical turk called LAH 29002

- 'this case calls for a thermo-nuclear lie detector, dave'

- 'something vaguely factual? sorry dave, this blog can only consist of excreta'

an obelisk of extra terrestrial calfshit first placed by an advanced alien civilisation?

(as kriss kross celebrated in their famous historical/sci-fi epic - just give me kiss on top of the obelisk)

and the infamous time/light enlightenment metaphor - inferring that primitive calfshit may have evolved into todays digital hyper bullshit...

tonga!

who is a south pacific nation?

who consists of 171 islands, only 45 of which are inhabited?

who has a population of just over 100,000?

who expanded via colonisation to form the tu'i tonga empire?

where is the only place ive been to a church service?

tonga!

the good old days, people just living in the moment, not a mobile phone in sight...

West Papua Tribal War (circa 1964)

qu'est-ce que tu veux manger?

 

word of the weak - abecedarius

 

An abecedarius is a special type of acrostic in which the first letter of every word, strophe or verse follows the order of the letters in the alphabet.

now go and make an abecedarius with the names of the songs by your fave band, put it in a flask and send it into space. (unless you have awful taste, if so, follow steps 1 and 2, then shove it violently up your behind.)

nb. para los miles de hispanohablantes entre ustedes, no es lo mismo que un abecedario, que es una lista del alfabeto. es un AMIGO FALSO!

rah roh!

 

should have steered clear of those hash scoobie snacks...

porque los michis se llaman asi

 

como muchas cosas CHIDAS, el nombre viene de mexico!

(raremente, este nombre es muy parecido a la palabra italiana con el mismo signficado - 'micio' (pron. 'micho'), pero no son relacionadas porque vienen de familias linguisticas muy distinctas.)

salad a la rubbish

voyez-vous?

tout le monde peut le faire...

pah!

chicken a la king ou les problemes d'un polyglotte no. je sais pas

il-y-a quelques jours j'ai mange un plat appele chicken a la king

putain!

ca na va pas!

car en francais

le roi est est vachement masculin!

c'est pour ca qu'il s'appelle LE roi

donc il devrait s'appeler chicken AU king

s'ils voulaient l'appeler alla feminine

ils faudraient l'appeler chicken a la reine!

(bien sur, en laissant de côté quelques nouvelles questions de genre)

(mais je vous defi de ecrire ces choses avec mon francais rouille!)

bla bla (car)...

 

hi yo strrrronzo!

 

y mantente atento a TONTO!

Blazing Saddles

sorry tb

former fu'i star and coworker on top of box hill

blazing saddles just doesnt overly do it for me

i get it

mel brooks is clearly a bit of a genius

his absurdity is from the toppest of shelves

history of the world part 1

and spaceballs in particular

are massively funny/daft

young frankenstein, the producers (springtime for hitler!) et al

all soar mightily above the usual hollywood dross

and

blazing saddles is veeeeeeeeeery clever

and decisively right on

but it doesnt make me lose control of that particular sphincter

it more causes slight smirky spasms 

but as rattus australianicus once intoned

that aint bad...

(far fucking from it)

word of weak - antanaclasis

 

Antanaclasis is a literary device where a word or phrase is repeated, but with a different meaning each time

limebeavers language in use time (LLIUT) -

eg "this blog is a load of bollocks, and get your sweaty bollocks out of my face!"

ththth, pronto, honk and djdjdj

fly my pretties, fly!

(and they fucking did, all over the planet with their guns, germs and steel!)

90s mish mashed

 

ingredients -

alan paaartridge

sonic youths goo album cover

step 1 -  mish mash them up

step 2 - leave on internet window sill to disseminate

rando fact - Raymond Pettibon, the man behind multiple Black Flag album covers, based his drawing on a pre-existing photograph. The couple in the image is Maureen and David Smith, the sister and brother-in-law of Myra Hindley, the notorious Moors murderer. Along with her partner Ian Brady, Hindley killed five children, sexually assaulting four. Much to David Smith’s horror, he witnessed the murder of the couple’s final victim after he was invited to their home. The following day he informed the police, leading to Hindley and Brady’s arrest in 1965.

fucking gah!

it is the humour!

 

The devil at your bunghole

An absurd but comically serious canadian stuntman decides to jump his car 1.6 kms over the saint lawrence river into the usa

 nb. this is not a mockumentary, but it bloody well should be as its fucking hilarious.

the vice girls inc.

the vice girls inc.(2000) left to right - lairy spice, nutty spice, munter spice, nosh spice and (front) ooh baby baby spice.

The Vice Girls inc. were an English girl group assembled by besuited twats in 1994. Sadly, they have sold over 100 million shite records worldwide, making them the best-selling girl group/marionettes of all time. With their cynical, contrived "girl power" bullshit, the Vice Girls inc. management redefined the girl-group concept by targeting a young female fanbase with banal, corporate garbage. They 'led' the nonsense teen pop resurgence of the 1990s, were a major part of the comically misnamed "'Cool' Britannia" era, and became popular culture icons of the decade, despite being an utterly dire marketing scam for lowest common denominator, mindless drivel.

zig a zig gah!

so thats what inspired jelly bottys name

su puta madre... 

5, 4, 3, 2, 1... shit off!

 

'art for arts sake is dead, if it ever lived' - edward steichen

robofitba

or should that be shitba?

word of the weak - gobemouche

gobemouche - a credulous person; especially : one who believes everything he or she hears.

eg. as words here cost nothing, the gulping gobemouche is plentifully supplied.
 

now go find a stupid fucker and scream gobemouche in their face.

mulletashageddon

fashion is quite possibly the daftest invention of humanity

apart from perhaps the evangelical church

which is spreading ignorance around the planet

like some kind of contagious bullshit virus

i recall reading somewhere, sometime the cliche that fashion is cylical

ie, it gets about on wheeled devices

but

as fashion is fucking moronic

i didnt give a flightless shit

then

not that long ago i had an epiphany

(waves hands violently behind rear)

that it wasnt even lying!

young blokes are once again adorning their cretinous faces with hairy upper lips UNIRONICALLY

great abominable success!

 

whats more

but they were also 'sporting' mullets UNIRONICALLY

you know the deal,

business at the front, party at the back

the ugliest 'do' to ever disgrace the male head

combine these and you have nothing less apocalyptic than mulletashageddon! aka The Fosters Car Park Boogie

and as mister alighieri once scribbled re TFCPB, "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate"

20 years of unalloyed horseshit

 

its limebeavers spectacularly pointless horseshit blog!

nb. the above image may be a shoddy rip off of the now legendary original limited edition frontispiece of limebeavers spectacularly pointless horseshit blog

It was twenty years ago today

limebeaver got out the keyboard to play

It hasnt ever been in style

And its doubtful to raise a smile

So may I introduce to you

The blog you've dodged for all these years?

limebeavers spectacularly pointless horseshit blog

Its limebeavers spectacularly pointless horseshit blog

We hope you can abide the show

Its limebeavers spectacularly pointless horseshit blog

Sit back and let the drivel flow

Limebeavers spectacularly, Limebeavers spectacularly

limebeavers spectacularly pointless horseshit blog

It's redundant that it was ever here

And it is certainly a bore

You're a non existent audience

We'd like to take you home with us

We'd love to take you home (ooh err)

I really should give up the show

But the horseshit just wont slow

The buffoons going to get something wrong

And he wants you all to nod along

So let me introduce to you

The one and only rigoberto botafogo

And limebeavers spectacularly pointless horseshit blog

yeah

Blackadder vs. Shakespeare

Despite having 'all the greats' and involving time travel, Blackadder Back and Forth was quite the let down after the preceding genius. I never quite made it to the milleniumtastic cheeseburger dome, but with the internet of things making most of those things widely available, it became findable.  It wasnt up to the previous stratospheric standards (pretty pants S1 aside) but did indeed have moments of genius.

Up your arse to your tortured artistic hell!

Claudia Sheinbaum asegura que analizarán...

... contaminación e impactos de la caída del cohete por Space X

Caída de cohete en costas de Tamaulipas

yo tambien!

primera etapa de cohete que se cayo' en mi parte particular del planeta

sinverguenzas!

 

word of the weak - threnody

 

A threnody is a wailing ode, song, hymn or poem of mourning composed or performed as a memorial to a dead person.

osea- guaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Vor Frelsers Kirke i København

now ive seen more churches than you can point a church pointing stick at

new churches

old churches

ex churches

converted churches

romanesque churches

gothic churches

byzantine churches

baroque churches

churches filled with amazing, staggering, astounding art

nasty american mega churches

basilicas

duomos

cathedrals

dinky african converted sheds

aside from the above mentioned amazing, staggering, astounding art

the best bit of churches

are the views from up above

from the gorgeous red roofs seen from the Cattedrale di Santa Maria del Fiore of firenze

the beautiful spread from the Cattedrale Metropolitana della Natività della Beata Vergine Maria of milan

the history bathing from Basilica di San Pietro in rome

the lake view from the Iglesia de la Merced in granada (nica)

the lush green countryside to be seen from atop the Cathedral Church of the Blessed Virgin Mary in  salisbury

from the hilltop Notre-Dame de la Garde high above marseille

the glorious panorama from the Sacre Coeur de Montmartre in paris

but the coolest is from the Vor Frelsers Kirke in copenhagen

the view is magnificent

but beauty is in the ascent

after working your way up the inside of the tower

you pop out into daylight 

then you wind around the exterior of the ever thinning spire

clinging to the rail

trying not to look down 

in case your head spins too fast

at the giddy top of 67 metres

when you dare take in the spectacle

(if you get there)

below you unfolds the royal palace 

the rosenborg castle

the canals and the variegated houses beside them

the characteristic architecture and suprisingly generous green splashes of nature

and if you peer very hard

you may be able to spy down into kristiania... 

The Pig, the Snake, the Pigeon and the Putonghua

mientres que se habla de barbaro!

(en ambos sentidos)

a prickly character

 

word of the weak - allodoxaphobia

Allodoxaphobia is the fear of hearing other people’s opinions. The word Allodoxaphobia comes from Greek ‘allo’ meaning different, ‘dox’ meaning opinion and ‘phobos’ which comes from the Greek God of fear.

limebeavers language in use time (LLIUT) -

eg. shut the fuck up with your bad vibes man or you'll trigger my allodoxaphobia and i will shit my AND your pants

que barbaro que era mi castellano!

mi espanol en 2011

 

bárbaro, ra

adj. y s. De cualquiera de los grupos de pueblos que en el siglo v invadieron el Imperio romano y se extendieron por la mayor parte de Europa, o relativo a ellos.

Violento, cruel:

eres un bárbaro, no trates así al perro.

Grosero, que no tiene educación:

me cambié de trabajo porque tenía un jefe que era un bárbaro.

Bruto, imprudente:

no seas bárbaro y conduce más despacio.

(adj. col. Estupendo, extraordinario:

una cena bárbara, un muchacho bárbaro.)

mi primera visita a caracas era en 2007 y esta era despues de solo unos meses de estudiar el idioma

ya sabia el italiano entonces podia entender y comunica un poco

y dije a mi madre del otro planeta que un dia le hubiera hablado en un castellano super bueno

a ver!

regrese en 2010 y mi espanol era mucho mejor!

(despues de mas estudios y de haber pasado un mes en america latina, viajanda al sur desde el yucatan)

pude defenderme bastante bien

pero mi nivel no era para nada fluido!

 

en 2011 regrese de nuevo

despues de mucho estudio y yo tenia muchas ganas de presumirme a simona cuanto era mejorado mi castellano

cuando llegue, hablaba super bien!

(al menos lo creia)

y dije a simona

que tal esta mi castellano? 

todo orgulloso

y simona me dijo que mi castellano era 'barbaro'!

con una grande sonrisa

entendi solo el significado literal

(mira arriba)

me quede confundido y decepcionado

pero no dije nada

la vida y el viaje se continuaba...

y me lo olvide

solo unos meses despues

en el otro lado del mundo

pregunte a otra amiga hispanohablante

y

aprendi que barbaro puede significa chevere!

que vergacion!

cuantas pirañas?

Una vez fui a pescar pirañas

en los llanos

aquellas cheveres

no aquellas bacanos

y atrape una

despues nos comimos nuestra pirañas

(no eran riquisimas)

y me quedé con el cráneo como recuerdo y lo ingresé ilegalmente a mi país!

hay tantas pirañas

cuidado con las pirañas...

TITANOTWAT: The OceanGate Submersible Disaster

rich arrogant entitled twat overestimates his own cleverness

inevitably fucks up

kills himself

and some other rich twats

(a part le pauvre expert francais) 

quelle fucking surprise!

te gustan las sandias?

¿Cómo te gustaría una en la cara, a alta velocidad?

WHO KILLED THE KLF?

banging about in the tardis

3am in fuckityarse nowhere

the last tram to limbo central

etre justifie ET ancien

referencing traditional polynesian kit

burning a million squid (with no lemon juice!)

its a hell of a ride

short answer

the klf dunnit!

Hindi and Urdu - THE SAME LANGUAGE?

haan!

 

next...

word of the weak - encomium

An encomium is a formal expression of high praise or admiration for a person or thing. It often conveys warmth and enthusiasm in its commendation.

now go and give your mummy a good hard dose of encomium.

as we enter the 239th week...

 

the john hopkins university dashboard has given up hope and committed seppuku

with some kind of super whetted digital wakizashi

and slumped the virtual ground gasping for binary breath until expiring

but covid lives on...

I find covid's attention seeking pandemic based twattery even more annoying than weeks one to two hundred and thirty eight...

cat grand torino pronto said...

so i asked chatgtp to write a blog in the style of this logorrheic shower of shite.

accurate? better? worse? humanity is dooooomed?

draw your own conclusions (with a lovely selection of pastel crayons)-

Tuesday, 2:14 AM

Things I’m Not Entirely Sure Aren’t Real (Vol. 7)

Posted by LimeBeaver 🍋🦫

Okay. So I was eating a kiwi and I started thinking about ghosts.

That’s how this post begins.

I don’t care if it makes sense. Most things don’t. Like fax machines. Or the word “pumpernickel.” But ghosts, specifically: salty ghosts.

Why are ghosts always sad or angry or Victorian? Where are the ghosts who died during a hot summer afternoon while arguing about sandwich toppings? Show me the ghost of Brenda who haunts the break room fridge because someone once threw away her tuna melt.

Anyway, while I was contemplating spectral passive aggression, I remembered something much more pressing:

Has anyone ever seen a goose sleep?

Like—actually sleep. I’ve seen them honk. I’ve seen them threaten toddlers. I’ve seen them look me dead in the eye as if to say, “You think you’re the protagonist, but I’m the plot twist.”

But have I ever seen a goose peacefully tucked in, dreaming of bread?

No.

And I don’t trust that.

over to you twatobots of the world...

the only way is ugley

i bet you cant wait to get into TOWIU...

 

bear bait?

yoshimi battles the pink robots? super catchy!

but... 

kobayashi vs giant bear

(in a hot dog eating competition!)

brilliant!

Safe European home (ritrovando la mia)

e stato bello andare a trovare la vecchia casa

quel continentino

(che non lo e per niente, e una penisola!)

appena appena

30 anni dopo la prima visita

non era proprio l'esatta europa che mi fascinava da piccolo

dove ho vissuto per anni

viaggiato tantissimo

fatto tante amicizie

e sperimentato moltissime esperienze importanti

e spacciato innumerevole cazzate

e dove non ho messo piede da piu di un decennio

(che sarebbe stato impensabile 20 anni fa)

ma c'erano tante cose molto simili

come 

come si aprono le finistre

come si aprono le serrature delle porte

le tante parole francesi

i negozi gia conosciuti

le marche di cibo famose

anche l'architettura dei palazzi 

e vari pasti abbastanza greci!

e stato bello rivederci amico vecchio

anche delle faccie familiari!

just what i needed, a diversion to ankara

after 40 plus looong hours

of ubers, airports, confusing sweaty shuttle buses, limping painfully, hotels, buffets, spanish translation, delays and uncomfortably interminable hours in cattle class

i was pleased to overfly anatolia

nearly finalmente fucking there!

later after two failed attempts to land ad isty besty

because of 'weather'

we were diverted (non that kind)

to ankara 

an hour away

to then sit for 3 excruciating hours parked on the tarmac

awaiting news as to when what would happen next

(or as to what on earth was going on)

as we sat there

in the proverbial dark

tempers started to fray

squabbling, bickering, like children

i played with the balinese pribumi

called over translations to victor

(la mayoria sin novedades)

and tried quietly to not go insane

in this simulacrum of a terrible hostage movie

time dragged as if by an exceedingly expensive chinese dragging device

the nightmarish farce continued

with the stewards calling for a 'medical person '

and passengers swarming around the patient

eventually they calmed the anxious masses

by doling out some odd nutty snacks

only for an announcement reminding us all that smoking is not permitted

as somebody had been at it in the loos

civilisations rose and fell

during which a well dressed bloke in the next row starting chatting on his phone

by assiduously eavesdropping i learned that he worked for the hairline

and that it was the only flight diverted from isty 

(the others were all happily atterrando)

because sichuan airlines are only one not to have category 3 capable landing systems!

50 plus hours

door to door

a side trip to ankara?

that was just what i needed!

un rongorongo'un

lo sapevate?

gli abitanti dell'isola di pasqua (rapa nui) avevono il proprio testo

non erano deficenti analfabeti

e non avevono fatto l'atto di auto destruzione piu famoso del mondo

eh no!

ancora non si sa tradurrlo

ma si sa che fu concepito dopo il 13 secolo

e si chiama

rongorongo

(forse il nome piu figo di un testo)

dont fancy that dirty brown crap?

limebeaver inc recommends...

 

but there will be consequences...

apo is a bastard and he will always be a bastard

 exemple de 'l'art de rue' juste en face de l'hôtel

intitule - 'ce que ale pense de apo'

(grace a google lens)

quand on arrive a l'autre bout du monde

et on s'est déchiré le tendon du jarret

et se peut a peine marcher

(et tout est en putain montée)

il faut essayer de trouver le divertissement à son entourage immédiat

parfois avec 'l'art de rue'...

Weird Al hace lo Bob

aparte del hecho de que weird al es divertido, es tambien un genio

porque todo las frases de la cancion son palindromos

listo eh?!

y ten cuidado de la aibofobia - el miedo de los palindromos!

you loved cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes...

 

... cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes

why not try...

 

 (a grammatically correct sentence in English that is often presented as an example of how homonyms and homophones can be used to create complicated linguistic constructs through lexical ambiguity.)

you know you want to!

tale of the tape

its the dullest/stickiest tale of around...

 

when in doubt, quote nobody...

he/she/they/qualcosa isnt wrong here!

pendant que on parle des dindes...

 

quand j'etais a mi voyage au aeroport sabiha gocken

j'avais faim donc j'achete' un hindi fume sandwich (incroyablement cher)

comme preferez vous votre sandvich hindi? स्मोक्ड! achaa!

aussi j'ai ri tout seul pour le nom du 'cafe', secco!

seche!

c'est l'oppose de comme je voudrais mon sandvich!

Restez dans les parages pour plus de bêtises polyglottes!

and remember kids...

 

if youre ever abroad and need some quick cash because youre jonesing for your chicken rental fix

you can always flog off your bestie for a life of sexual servitude for a lazy dozen lira

and get on down the road to your local rentalist of choice!

word of weak - cataglottism

otherwise known as 'bisous francais' or snogging

 

This was sparklehorse

 

a fantastic doc about mark linkous and his musical output under the name sparklehorse

he made some fantastic music

often in fi so lo

that it could be called negative fi

his vocals would often float in

like some experimentalist disembodied apparition

and the outcome often was laced with an undeniable sweetness amongst the fatalism

he was far from mentally stable

and despite his quasi genius

he was far from fiscally stable

he had a shack

up in the hills

of the 1940s

he collaborated with/befriended a whos who of indie cool

the highlight being his album dreamt for light years in the belly of a mountain with dangermouse (not that one)

its an absolute stunner

et ouais je suis revenu

et c'etait genial

les gens tres sympas

la cuisine delicieuse

la nature spectaculaire

les batiments historiques

et ceux encores plus vieux

et on ne parle pas des mots turcs avec les racines francaises

vive la turquie!

 

things are getting..

 

only a few days now

everybody that has to be notified

has been notified

almost everything has been turned upside down

hope i can still find that thang

that thang i will need in week 3

it looks like that other puffa puffa wont make it

so im stuck with the big puffa puffa

rigoberto has his cypher

and his activation code is imminent

don mucho is locked in for the showdown in bisanzio

doña no menos is all go for telmesso

and el hombre del mar is set for the double date in bisanzio and tarso

the linea stella bianca know the score

im hoping for an ocean view

and comfy accomodation at the first port of call

in the exotic east of middle earth

(though not at all east from this paddle pop stand) 

to sleep off the ludes and laudanum

fingers crossed michifu knows the trapano

after all

hes an experienced mano del rodeo these day

and i cant see the fucking hour!

Prewenghi

another tasty slice of alice lowe

sometimes patchy but always entertainingly odd and slightly scary

if you like the work of julia davis

you will most likely enjoy alices work

whats it all about?

an unborn baby instructing her mother to kill?

ohhh yeahhh!

dove la gente ce...

queste sono le venti citta piu grandi del mondo

e sono bestie!

e sono davvero enormi

le statistiche-

la maggiore parte sono in asia

quattordici su venti

quattro sono in china

e tre sono in india

quattro sono in america

una in europa

una in africa

ne ho visitato nove
incluso le tre piu grandi

niente male ehi?

le osservazioni-

tokio e una marea di modernismo e le luci LED

giacarta si offre il traffico piu pazzo immaginabile

nuova delhi vince per la follia per il cricket e degli odori intriganti

shanghai e gia il futuro, oggi giorno

cairo si distingue per un panorama di ultimi piani incomputi (per ragioni fiscali)

citta del messico che si survola per due eternita prima di atterrare

bangkok e dove di piu si pesano l'umidita e il calore (osh!)

pechino e vivace, storica ed imperiale

buenos aires e una miscela avvenente di europa del sud e sudamerica

e tu?

quante ne hai visitato?

risposte su una cartalina virtuale...

heres where the story (quase) begins

 

 "Set to an upbeat, jangly guitar-pop backdrop, Harriet Wheeler enchants listeners with her brisk, crystalline vocals and a crisp melodic hook. The song’s feel is evocative of a breezy, moderately cool yet still lovely autumn afternoon" - popmatters

fucking swoon!

Men(talists)

mr garland has done it again

shit bag husband dies/commits suicide

traumatised wife books an old country house to get away and get her head together

the owner is odd

the priest is odd

the school kid is odd

all the people in the pub are odd

everybody is fucking odd

chuck in some old skool folk biz

in the form of the green man and sheila na gig

and everthing goes absolutely bat shit bonkers

Englisch, die am wenigsten germanische ...

... und zugleich die am meisten germanische Sprache

wunderbar, Arschlöcher!

you can all just kiss off into the air...

behind my back i can see them stare...

i hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record...