i love it when the pub-history nexus comes together..

well fuck me sideways with a goating proddage
for a period in the 90's
thats the last millenium
you young neer do well chilluns
one of my fave pubs was the great britain hotel
the geebee to you hippies
just near east richmond station
(where trains never stop like that japonese station, but far grottier and much less zen)
it was wonderfully melby
all stickiest of carpets
dingy retro couches
brilliant tunes
and that fucking daytona racing car game
that you sat in
and shook your pissed skinny arse all over the place
and shouted
'LAST LAP'
at you in a comedic american accent at you!
(smaller fucking world)
which seemed sooo fucking technologically beyond!

there was even that dodgy 'club' bit downstairs
where you could dance to truly good tunes
and shout banalities at girls
and it was full of
utterly random alternatypes
and legendary bands
kim salmon with his platform red shoes
the man who created swamp
which begat grunge
blasting your tiny brains to pieces
for fucks fucking legendary sake!

hell they even had their own beer
called
'piss'
which was quite an accurate name
and you could get great pizzas from across the road delivered to munch down on

i once stole a bar mat in a drunken frenzy
probs lining a box somewhere dark and mouldy for the last 20 years

but we often wondered aloud
(and slurred)
who is that bloke on the sign?
the bar bird probably told us
but it never meant anything
young, stupid and pissed as we were


cut to presentish day
more than 25 years later
boning up (mmm heh heh)
on post independence india
watching all kinds of docos
and up pops the story of dr bhimao ambedkar

THAT FACE LOOKS FAMILIAR!

who played a large part in drafting the constitution of the worlds biggest democracy
patent pending
and was a dalit
and rose beyond his untouchable beginnings
to become a hugely influential man
and inspired millions of dalits to achieve success
and convert to buddhism
despite the horrors of the caste system

the man was a fucking mito
a giant of a figure
the kind that DESERVES his statue


so now i know

and now the beloved gb
is another fucking gastropub
for rich yuppie bellends
to drink their over priced beer in schooners
and congratulate themselves on their 'inner city lifestyle'
in gentrified landia

misheard lyrics no.4 - cream -White Room

it was neever called the that
silly creamy fuckers
it is the dark room
where else would they be developing photos?
or rowing in a bucket for that matter

misheard lyrics no.3 - Sade - Smooth Operator

yep its smooth alright
its smoother than a smoothie at smoothies deluxe on smooth street
but nobody called an operator
who uses operators these futuristic days?
of course shes really singing
smoooooth elevator
what could be better than a smoooooth elevation?

lo sapevate? brrm brrm

a lingotto a torino

che non dista molto del pieno centro della citta

(dove ho passato qualche settimana)

sul tetto della vecchia fabbrica di fiat

che sarebbe Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino

un palazzo enorme di cinque piani

hanno costruito una pista da prova

per le macchine che si costruivano sotto

quindi sti pazzi giravano (e veloce) 

nelle macchine e moto

e pare che anche facevano le corse!

anche oggi si fanno delle gare sulla pista

sti fucking pazzi italiani!

misheard lyrics no. 2 -Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At

nooo.. they never shouted that!
it MUST be 'wheres your hairnet?'
the common bosses cry
which poor wage slaves in the food industry hear on a regular basis

misheard lyrics no.1 -Supergrass - Pumping On Your Stereo

ehi
you wot?
im sure it was 'jumping on your stereo'

mlecchas at the gate!

back in ye olde india
you know the one
pre chillis and gandhis
but many
many
but many
many
moons ago

the ruling groovemasters got sick to fuck of all those invaders
because there were shitloads of them
as they lived in lovely fertile lands
turks, greeks, huns, mongols, persians, kushans, bactrians
and probably some farsighted beardy fellow
who was bitter about how the game of thrones ended

and like greeks and romans
they had a word for these uncivilized hooligans
for the mediterraneans it was
barbarians!

but for the hindustani legends
they named these fiends after how daft their language sounded
every time they opened their mouth
they made a stupid sound
that sound like mlecch!

to the cultured folk of the gangetic plains
every noise just sounded like mlecch mlecch mlecch!
how fucking 'barbaric'!
they were probably half man bear pig!

so they called them
mleccha!

(try that in a conversation today)

jet slag fades to pink

(like this only moreso)

back in the 80s i was in a very famous tv show
la la la lala la lala
well
not really

but i did temporarily suffer from a very rare condition
in fact it was so rare
that i was the only one to have it
and it was at least partially brought upon by myself

after a holiday to somewhere very far away
i decided to stay awake for the whole 25 hour flight home

a couple of days later i went back to school
and teacher got me up in front of class
to talk about my experience

it was all going well
i guess
until i noticed a pink blurriness at the periphery of my vision
which grew until i could see no more
and i checked out


coming round i was taken to the nurses room
where the usual fussing went on
and the nursey explained that i might have something called
jet lag

but
being a headstrong little shitbag
and having heard talk of the condition that can follow long trips
i grumpily childsplained to her
it wasnt called jet lag
it was definitely called
JET SLAG
and i had the best case ever witnessed

teacher and nursey continued to fuss
and to insist it was jet lag
but i was having none of it from these amateurs
i was an international jet setter
who was wise to the ways of the world
(he wont hurt you)
and exclaimed they simply had no idea what they they were talking about
whereas man of the world knew the lot
AND
i had JET SLAG

who is your favourite merv?

the ancient persian city and important trade point on the silk roads

V

the funny moustachioed cult fast bowler who really wasnt that great

tough innit?

what did the romans ever do for us? part 361

Doh, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Doh

(or i give, king, me, it does, there, you, i give)

Doh, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Doh was the work of Italian musician and singing teacher Guido di Grancazzo, developed toward the end of the 10th century, and forms the basis of the modern system of musical notation. In about 1040, this inspired genius devised the Guido scale, or Artinian syllables, that still sing his praises. The names he gave to the musical notes of the scale are still used today in modified form (do, re, mi, fa sol, la).

The Benedictine monk based them on six lines of a Latin hymn to St. Bob the Flatulent, which happened to form the scale. Over the years, the final syllable ti was added to the scale and two centuries ago the syllable do joined it in English. This was later improved upon by homer simpson.

(stolen from jinxi boo)

100 (putain!)

ouias
c'est incroyable
l'annee dernier je temais que enfin il etait presque mort
apres beaucoup des annees quand je publiquais toujours moins
mais
cet an
il est revenu de la tombe
et
cet an il est atteint 100
putain!

Conservative Friends of India releases video for Boris Johnson- (hopefully) the most mental thing you will see this week

its fucking mental
and not just that such a dishonest inbred entitled scumbag could be elected
to the top job of a country that claims to have given us democracy
or that his party that has callously ruined the lives of millions whilst enriching themselves and their corporate mates
could be reelected AGAIN!

but THIS is mental
a hindi promo love in about said scumbag
singing his praises and encouraging people to vote for him
even fucking exists

its not known if it comes from indian brits (never heard the constant tory racism? rivers of blood anybody?)
or from hindustan itself (an even grimmer prospect, i know modhi is a fuckwit, but really?)

regardless
it really does push the eternally fine line between laughing and crying

c'è di meglio, mike

bahahahahah!

when irony went and shot itself up the nose holes

(above- a war criminal reunion with chips)

in the large (not really that fucking large-siberia?) state of tejas
yes that tejas that was stolen from chidolandia
(along with the rest of the other half of the nation they stole)
coz
you know,
manifest density.
there stands a building that finally drove irony over the edge
and lets be honest
irony had been teetering there for a veeeery long time

sip
its the dubya bush LIBRARY and museum
a LIBRARY and museum dedicated to one of the most internationally renowned simpletons of history
this boof headed jizz rag managed to come to the highest 'elected' office in the most powerful nation in history
this awe inspiringly ignorant, draft dodging descendant of nazi enablers
this poster boy for inherited privilege, corporate purchased election rigging
this exemplar of moronic credulous literal religious interpretation
and siren song of the deal knell of the democratic tradition

this quasi literate buffoon, famed for his lack of basic knowledge
on any important topic
has a fucking LIBRARY in his honoUr.
yes that dubya
who was (seemingly) the stand out candidate as biggest moron in power in recent history

 vale irony

(of course the universe then proceeded to excrete the drumpf monster all over humanity's collective face, who then proceeded to  lower the bar in a previously unimaginably cataclysmic manner by digging up the rotting corpse of irony, to skull fuck it whilst simultaneously forcing its decayed bones into the remnants into the former rectal cavity of dignity, thus creating the least edifying sexual caterpillar of all time )






What next? Hitler cultural awareness centre

neither smoking nor thundering

a recent photo of victoria falls
theres next to no water!
its not the smoke that thunders
its just a deathly grey cliff
with a few sad ponds at the foot
surely it would be silent
none of that not being able to hear yourself think
with the continuous roaring
as 1.21 gigawats of water gush roaring over the precipice
no elephants tumbling
and trumpeting their fear
as they fall to their death
no bathing in the fast flowing pools by the lip
or hanging your head over with giddy/scared thrill

climate change or no
its a fucking sad sight indeed

fuck ù

and ù

and Ù

and...

on peut voir la lettre  ù une fois en francais
il existe seulement dans le mot où
il etait cree pour le diferencier de ou!
mais quand meme ce n'est pas un peu exagere?
ah ouais
c'est le francais..

ce n'est pas grave..
ou...?

thats what i appreciates about you miss katies

che sei fucking strafiga!

eros got shafted

ever been to picadilly circus in londinium?
there is a funky statue that people use as a meeting place
which was even handier before mobile phones
meet you at eros at 7 for that reach around?

but shock revelation scoop by limebeaver inc. no.2005
eros isnt eros
its actually a giant phallic symbol
a shaft!

it is so called as it aims its giant wangness up shaftsbury avenue
which was named after lord 'old shifty shafter' shaftsbury
who was famously caught in flagrante  'shafting' queen reginalds pony
'not so innocent bob'
in 1752

so think of that when you next want to meet your sweetheart for an iced cream!

un payaso en india

eso es
me hice como se escribio senor forster
me compre un pasaje a india
para ser un payaso en india

que es super chido
o chevere
como quieres

namaste hdps!

yucatan giving outreach

every day mt goes to work
she descends from her fairytale castle
via the teleferico
each morning she gazes down on the antelope and shoe people
each grazing at the undergrowth
and asks herself
what would i rather be?
an antelope or a shoe person?
and which would make the world a better place?

but before she has time to ponder too profoundly
she arrives at the terminus
of the mt private teleferico

and she thanks the bowing, scraping staff
and walks the 3 blocks to the ygo

the ygo is another universe entirely
it is staffed by retired gringos
and thrusting young go getters
hoping to outreach eachother

as the retired gringos bumble about
gently caressing their companion golden retreivers
a scratch behind the ear
a belly rub
a 'good girl'

they all look on in wonderment
as mt casts her spell
not a nasty, turning you into a salamander spell
just a calming relaxing spell
that puts them all at ease
something golden and light

then
bosh!
they snap out of their reverie
and shuffle off to their next well meaning effort

mt
unaware of her aura
proceeds dutifully to her days work
and looks at her missions for today

where to start?
1.continue writing the script for her award winning yucatec language drama series?
2.try to forget how to fly (it makes others envious, and she is thoughtful like that)
3.translate the secret mayan script from below chichen itza which explains the meaning of life and how to attain world peace

no!
these all can wait
her first task is to help these melancholy old gringos
with their sense of displacement and low self esteem

her first task of today
is to speak with them
these kindly if slightly confused refugees from the north
in her reassuring, mellifluous and precise yet natural english

the whole world can wait
today she will start small...