long live the king, the king is dead is dead

cucciolo................

that small thing called foote

i doubt the integrity of that man that reads the news
i doubt the integrity of the neighbour that mews
i doubt the integrity of the friend of the friend in chalk farm
i doubt the integrity of the drunk on king street that would cause you harm
i doubt the integrity of the bloke with that silly hat
i doubt the integrity of the fucking downer, what a twat
i doubt the integrity of the children writing for beat
i doubt the integrity of safeways so called meat
i doubt the integrity of that fool on the tram
i doubt the integrity of what they put into spam
i doubt the integrity of the majority of man
i doubt the integrity of those behind the 2am ban
i doubt the integrity of the fools that program the tv
i doubt the integrity of those that marry early with such glee
i doubt the integrity of any old politician
i doubt the integrity of those fools on a religious mission
i doubt the integrity of the lady in the phone shop
i doubt the integrity of boris johnson or any such fop
i doubt the integrity of those from my high school
i doubt the integrity of what they would sell me as 'cool'
i doubt the integrity of any man with a gun
i doubt the integrity of a product that guarantees 'fun'
i doubt the integrity of the world at large
a dirty filthy swill of a cesspit stacked with liars and thieves...
but i've never left the comfort of my sofa

i read it whilst i was on the plane

people vote against their obvious interests
we'd better be idiots and just accept our five dollars an hour
dont blame heroin suppliers
theres a genuine fear, understandably so
those morons that have that whole chivalry idea
youve got no brains , youve just got a trigger
the majority of australian women are sexually dysfuntional
you can learn other languages by becoming excessively drunk
all these people on the train, keep your head down and your earfones in
its a lot to do with substances people are taking these days
these people are bringing it down
i tend to agree with you!!!
how about we have a bit of a skank
##### musical interlude######
uh oh, it seems they might never come back!
they arent!!!!
big rock guitar break
sorry about that/.././

flegman broke the photocopier

the neon lights are doing my head in
i cant sit up straight in this goddam chair much longer
the inane chatter from outside my office door drones on and on
the 3 oclock deadline for the plans is looming
the phone rings almost predictably every 14 minutes
no, dammit I dont have time to discuss the offer from Buttplex
yes, i know the aoc wants to see me about tuesdays meeting
how many limbs do these people think i have
this desk really needs clearing up
but thats never been my strong point
another cup of coffee
i dont even like the taste
another banal conversation with clevertrever by the machine
no, i didnt see the match on saturday morning
yes im sure rigomortus songbong was stellar
smiles at the various faces as i stroll past the cubicles
thank fuck i dont work in accounting
pack of boring miserablists
and poor flighty flirty sandrine
what kind of life is that?
answering a million calls a day and smiling at the schleppers that poor out of the lifts
asking them to take a seat while she pages norbert/slinky/anvil to come out to meet them
still, shes not that bright so perhaps thats all she needs
another joke about mondays would cause me to smack her tho
whats for lunch today then?
dodgy chinese/mcschifo/fake portugese/fatty arseface tm burgers ?
or is it really worth coughing up the extra to escape the filth and depression of the food court and going for the all lavatory vegetable puree steak from oriental fukkywukky bar?
one of these days i will get my shit together and bring lunch to work
and save loads of money
not today though coz sparkymarky wants to go for a pint at the Horses arse
thatll make 3pm tricky...

rats cats and bollocks

i saw rats and cats the other night at the cinema
luckily it was a freebee
i wouldnt have wanted to pay for that load of tripe
just a vanity exercise by mr dude in a dog suit
how many opportunities did it give him to get his kit off?
twat
it had some good whimsical moments
laconic aussie small town slow life kind of things
but fuck off really
it was mostly just a how great am i show
i didnt see any rats or cats
and i didnt get the point of it at all
apart from mr dog getting to be a big hero to everyone
all the girls loved him
he had a lackey to fix his whipper snipper
he had his own tribute band
with a jealous bass playing leaving
everybody loved him coz he used to be on tv
and he was definitely suffering for his arty type
oh fuck off
ho bloody hum
minus 113 out of 5

sage words of prezzemolo

seedy seedy seedy
enlightened yet?

sitting up straight at the back of the bus

which one?
ciudad bolivar to merida?
via venti settembre to righi?
harare to johannesburg?
nice airport to genova
milano centrale to orio al serio airport bergamo?
lima to trujillo?
fulham to brixton?
chang kai shek airport to all over bloody taipei?
salisbury town centre to laverstock?
box hill central to doncaster?
london victoria to swansea again and again
campiglia marittima to piombino for the isola d'elba?
puerto iguazu to salta?
salsibury to portsmouth via RINGWOOD?
swansea quadrant to mumbles?
gatwick to bristol?
ringwood high school to the hockey fields?
fitzroy to donvale?
floating bus from copacabana to isla del sol?
broken bus from coroico to half way up the death road?
hurghada to cairo?
death bus from luxor to hurghada?
livorno port to livorno station?
capetown to johannesburg?
san diego to los angeles?

so many buses, fucking busssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssses (and coaches)

islam can go fuck itself

lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/women/story/0,,2278332,00.html

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/may/11/iraq.humanrights


2 examples i found randomly in 2 days .... mi fate schifo

i missed the bus, never gonna do that again...

didnt plan a trip to southern africa, thinking about hippos and their mouth's roofs
didnt daydream about a hammock, wondering when it would come to me
didnt folow a game of football avidly
didnt write a top selling pop song infusing it with dub step
didnt ride the steam train through the fair
didnt ride an ostrich and then feel a bit guilty about it
didnt go out with the roman from numurkah for a beer
didnt read up on european history volumes 1-16, or is that 17
didnt find the details of that shop that has that thing
didnt go out for boules with some girl in adelaide
didnt flounce about queen albert market aghast at fellow shoppers
didnt say 'here we go' in euphoria and thrust my fists in the air like i just didnt care
no one ever heart no one
didnt feel dizzy from taking a child and spinning them around and around
didnt miss the bus
didnt eat 'indian' food
didnt feel the awful ache of dying slowly inside
didnt kidnap a head of state and keep him behind a bookshelf and ultimately murder him
didnt try anything new, sweetness i was only joking
didnt fall in love with the lady in the summer frock
didnt discover the marvels of nuche
didnt graduate after 11 years of hard slog of masters of rocketbrain surgeryscience
didnt marvel at anything
didnt meet up with an old friend by amazing happenstance
didnt move to a land of total dislocation
never gonna do that again...

biggsy is making it hard for me to concentrate

so the australian government is paying 20 million bucks for the visit of the pope
how bloody fucking ridiculous is that
the catholic church own billions of dollars worth of land all over the world
in fact it owns more property than anybody on the planet
what a fucking disgrace
then theres the stuff about abortion
and mens rights about the life and death of an unborn child
the feminists said it is our body
and the law is phrased to recognise that
what a carton of worms
and now theres the use of swearing
cunt and fuck
the newspapers wont print it
what a lot of prude arseholes
as was said... is it to protect the little children who read the age?
horseshit
roba about the us democratic party race
is it a good thing that it is this close
is it just a sack of shit
i just couldnt care less
imagine if we had a presidential election campaign here
all the months and months of all that tripe
just what we bloody need
vaffanculo
next up is the bunch of cyclists brought down by a nutter in sydney
drove behind them shouting and swearing then
gets in front of them and bangs on the breaks
so they all fly into the back of him
what kind of arsehole would do that?
why doesnt the government spend any money making cycling lanes etc
but why do motorists have this bullshit anger against cyclists
it seems to be the home of wanker bogans
showing how tough they are in their cars
coz thats very strong and manly
tossers
a brief mention as to why that horrid little worm ex prime minister is still getting all this media
every time he opens that disgusting little mouth of his
he still gives me shivers when i see him
fucking little piece of excrement.
its on to the casino
and how its exempt from all the laws
in particular from the proposed 2am law
which is a completely stupid idea in the first place
but the government makes a nice little loophole for their favourite source of income
anybody noticed that when you kick everybody out at the same time
like 11pm in the uk
lots of pissed up people cranky that they cant get another drink
out with nothing to do
so they start fighting
what a fucking moronic knee jerk idea
a quick mention about the fact that when there was the taxi drivers
there were no police around
but if you want to protest against anything important
that the government doesnt like
there are riot police everywhere hoping to beat you over the head
for any excuse...
but the crab drivers block the most important intersection in the state
and there are no piggies to be seen
fuck off
and thats it from biggsy and friends
dont stay tuned for enio styles to take you into the afternoon in a crap and smuggy manner

the russians are coming

mayday has been and gone
i missed it and suspect everybody else did too
considering we dont have it in this country
weve got labour or is that labor day
supposed to celebrate the eight hour day
or the 40 hour week
or the seven giraffe thrombosis victims
or etc etc
i didnt do a blog about it
i didnt do a blog about anything
ive been too busy
not doing blogs
im considering giving up the blog thing
considering that nobody reads it
and half the time or more
i cant be arsed writing it
but i feel guilty
like i somehow should be doing it
which is so much nonsense
im just lacking inspiration
it wasnt hard to come by last year
it was positively falling out of me
but now its dried up
when i had great adventures to tell of overseas it was no problem
but without said great adventures
well reporting on the couch isnt really thrilling
movies, gigs, parties and the like
they all should be worth a wry remark or a critique
but the being arsed factor is the main problem
added to the fact that it takes bloody aeons just to load up the page
ensuring that motivation is gone by the time it comes around
it nearly happened again today
for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
the russians are coming
not black ones
limp white ones without conviction
like a paper cup full of cheap vodka
be afraid
be very afraid
broken dux?

aprile puo andare e fottersi

quanto mi sono stufato recentamente
sono contentissimo che questo mese di merda sia quasi finito
non riesco neanche a lamentarmi bene in questa lingua
cazzo

the clock is ticking

its not really
its just sitting there being ledish
but that hardly grabs the attention
i read somewhere that at the start of a story you have to grab them right them and now by the hairy bits
grab
but the led is changing occasionally
so is the other one
one of them is on universal time
the other is on atomic time
farked if i know the difference
tristan and isolde and lavorytine
ho hum
its roast it night tonight
for no particular reason
i just wanna roast it
i just wanna roast it
this really is all over the shop
ive got material you see
but its too late in the day period slot now to make the most of it
and i wanna keep it for a raining daytimesetting
so im just making shit up and rambling
trying to fill in a few sentences
with inane drivel
good thing im a good thing and good at it
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oh and by the way
invasion of the body snatchers suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks
not just sucks
way worse than that
okay it was the seventies
when things that sucked were in fashion
moustaches, flares, big hairiness, being a bloody whiffy hippy and bucks fizz
sure, they didnt have super special effects machines and they recorded with a matchbox on top of a shit laden stick
using an ants rectum for sound
and saturns third ring for light
but that doesnt mean that they couldnt write decent lines
or act properly
or just not be cheesy wankers
its easy to scorn what was done in the past
i mean to me hitler looks like a silly little turd with a comedy moustache
but fucking hell
what a load of tripe
thank fook there was bowie, and lou and jonathon richman and iggy and clint eastwood being well 'ard
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

il riscaldamento della casa

there was a housewarming on saturday night
it would have been better off having it this week
it was already quite warm
or am i missing the point?
it was in northcote
which miraculously let me in
despite the fact i wasnt cool enough
they turned a blink eye
let us skulk in the back alley
it was quite an eye opener it was
ive never met any
some smart arse french bloke answered the door
pretended it was the wrong address
he fucked me over
beavis knew better
those whacky french guys
the house was done up all funky
with orange umbrellas and light shade bloody cant think of the names
and there were people all over the shop
sitting in a circle
and some sitting in another circle outside
stan the man was cooking some amazing food
which i couldnt eat coz i was full
arsearsearsearsearsearsearse
arse
sure we were old
but it wasnt the kinderverbotenfest that i had feared
lots of friendly people
not too much racism
a rather silly nuzeelunder being all earnest
why must they do that?
at least she got her comeuppance being attacked by a sensitive new age dave
a very sensible straight person got the crank at me for something super stupid
sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
as if i were that type!
vaffanculo
there were lots of yummy beers
some of which i gave away
the music didnt suck
but the blue gloop i kneeled in did
it farked up my trousers
like ive got so many that i can spare one..
mavaffa.....
still it was good fun
i met more people than i have done in ages
quite the tonic
now all i need is some gin

kylie threatens to sue...

who is sue?
is kylie going mad?

will marty go the same way as steve?

well now
a week or so ago a great man came to this one and half ass town
his name was steve
not a very imaginative name i know
but he didnt choose it
he is one of the greatest men to walk this earth
doling out wisdom, wit and cerebral entertainment wherever he treads
and hes done a lot of treading let me tell you
more than most mortals could possibly imagine
as far as i know he hasnt set fut on other planets
but thats just due to lack of opportunities
besides
so he came to town
he thrilled and spilled
apparently
he provided a sublime distraction from all this maya
on this mortal, why the hell is it called coil?
but he was forced to tears by the absence of a close friend
not the one he serenaded in hospital
now another great man
of the same ilk
will be in town this very night
his name is marty
another not particularly inspiring name
but another whos greatness is not limited to his physical presence
his influece can be felt from anywhere on this so called bloody coil
perhaps if nasa had any class they would send another probulator into deepest space
and put his imprint on it
(or steves)
or wind one of their ethereal cords around it
marty shall dazzle, enchant and enthrall this very night
beard his way to greatness
strum, rock, enchant and poeticize
blow small minds away

and yes he did....

melbourne international comedy festival-comprehensive review

marvellous festivus this micf
not to be confused with the miff
the biff or the riff
and especially not the whiff
as he is known in some parts
this years melbourne international comedy festivus took place last night
it happened in the fad gallery
on corrs lane
upside your head
you had to go into the err something bar
where i had been only once before
looking for red things
youve gotta go in and then around and then up
where you waittttttttttttta and look at paintings and photos
some of which are particularly saucy
this bloke who looked liked daniel kitson was hanging about
he looked so much like daniel kitson he was daniel kitson
we went upschtairs to the festivus
it consisted of bloke called nick sun
who played in this room full of chairs and some people
he was pretty funny
shouting and kicking over chairs
not making racist jokes
banging on about how tired he was
and how he had a strong coffee
we had a beer
one each.. we werent gay
my new best mate daniel kitson laughed a lot
and that was the melbourne international comedy festival
so bog off

the space race is over

some men got in a stick
it went up and up
up and well you know the rest
it was white
it was big
it went vroom
they went all the way there
just to come back
except it was all a phoney
they tricked everybody
they even tricked me
and i wasnt even born
clever fuckers
ronald raygun knew better
he was gonna put a big ole gun on the big old cheese disc
there was a point in here somehwere
yes...
in the shadow of the moon
sure it at the new the other night
dublin amazing
all these interviews with ex wotsits spacefellas that went to the moon
except the most famous one
veal farmschlong or somebody
wondefully shot by an english chappy
so it didnt have that all-american bullshit flag waving gnar gnar cringe bollocks about it
showed jayeffkay
who i think was that muppety english bloke who dances about with a godawful hat on
making some promise about doing marilyn manson before the steak gets cold
and despite the fact it was just a big penis competition it inspired all kinds of good things
people in different countries getting a rush out of it etc
and these spaceblokes
all so humble and intelligent
telling how it made them feel to see the earth so far away
so small, so fragile etc
some got a bit godbothery about it
but not in that shitey painful way
talk about the ultimate perspective
kind of like how i feel about travelling
but to the enffff degree
so many super groovy shots of space and rockets and the moon
dont stop cant stop the music
like billy i thought i could go to the moon
dammit

eat my brain, go insane

ooh look at the pretty pictures!
theres some all multicoloured of my brain
my brain!
eat my brain, go insane
from four different angles
fancy that
how much detail there is!
the wonders of modern technology!
all take a number and fucking marvel at it!
ooh, look again
theres a pictures of the groovacious new dogvis
in all her sweet glory
note the lovely golden tan rusty bits
the black muzzle
the skinny legs
my my lets all admire her bloody beauty!
how about some pix that i put up of the jesus and mary chain in full flight
note jim reids floppy fringe! not!
how about the spectacular lighting!
although i wasnt there it wasnt that different to last night
the wonders of fucking technology
vaffanculo

fish of april

mr 100 per cent
thats me
no knockers can knock that
no chinks in my armour
im perfect
not a fault to be seen
one from one
some kind of blogging behemoth of consistency
stand back and admire my work
quanilty not qualtity