the olympics at river of january

its time to shovel shit, suspend democracy, cheat your fucking arse off, bankrupt countries to build pointless white elephants instead of improving education or social services.... huzzah, its the ollyimpics at river of january in this year of fucking nobody's lord, this one!


so how are things looking?

Hooked on smack
The russian team will still be allowed to attend the games, despite being so far out of their gourds that they won't be able to stop giggling about getting a brazilian and will miss their events.
nobody has been this stoned since the last cheech and chong movie.

Hooked on corruption
the ioc (internet olive craptoads) are as corrupt as buggery, as are brazilian politicians. what could possibly go wrong?

Favelalala
the poorest inhabitants of rio live in slums, they cant afford proper education/housing etc. so how in fuck will they benefit from the games? probably about none!

Pollution, Are you coming to my town, or i am i coming to yours?
apart from the zika wika wiggida wak virus causing babies to be born with little heads and little brains, from just a mosquito bite,  they keep finding scrofula and the black death in the water. doggy paddle 200m anybody?

Bargain
along with the world cup, brazils government has spent 45245451 gazillion dollars on building big pointless shit.  brazil is in economic crisis and basic services are appalling. hundreds of hospitals/schools etc instead?


well at least it will be safe wont it?

life does not speed up

snot
dribble
sniff
cough
splutter
blow
sigh
moan
ache
ouch
cough
vague
phlegm
wince
gulp
grunt
tedium
sniff
ooze
dull
sneeze


fuck it!

fence monsters 2

The Bewildered Rogerer

fence monsters 1

The Pensive Flumpschet

super cino senza kart

this is a baby
this is a baby with a moustache
this is a nonplussed baby with a moustache

that is all

ho la lingua sciolta

ieri sera ho parlato con gente di tanti paesi
j'ai parle' avec un type francais, de famille de cameroon
ho parlato con gli itaiani dalla calabria
he hablado con dos chicas de bogota
ho chiacchierato con una ragazza belga
j'ai cause' avec une fille de strasbourg
he charlado con dos senores de el salvador
he hablado con uno tipo de argentina
j'ai parle' avec un type de l'arabie saudi
ho parlato con una ragazza di sicilia
he hablado con un tipo del DF
j'ai bavarde' avec des gens de algerie
ho scambiato delle parole con due altri tipi di sicilia
puis je leur ai parle' en je ne sais pas quelle langue
he hablado con una chica de barcelona
j'ai parle avec un homme des etats unis
ho anche parlato con due altri uomini degli stati uniti
j'ai parle avec un type de Casablanca
ho parlato con un tipo di ravenna
despues he hablado con lo mismo tipo en otro idioma
i chatted with a guy from turkey
i talked to some nihon jin
i talked to some good guys from korea
i talked to some friendly people from china
i talked to a guy from thailand
i talked to a guy from engerland
an indian, a nepalese, a south african, a german, a taiwanese, some russians y maaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!
AND  some fuckers from osstraya

small fucking world innit?!?

making a duck taste like an orange

'thats the thing' he launched with a mad glint in his eye
the french are crazy
duck tastes great
and it tastes like duck
it is MEANT TO taste like duck
it is a duck!

oranges taste good too
and they taste like oranges too
of course
they are MEANT TO taste like oranges
they are oranges!

the french are crazy, cazzo!
so they take two things that taste good in their own right
then try to mix them!
ils sont fous!
they want to make a duck taste like an orange
sono pazzi!
what's next?
will they try to make an orange taste like a duck?!!!

i should know
I mean, Im half french
but i dont go about randomly trying to make one thing taste like another thing!
they make no sense!
they are so busy being french that they dont know that a duck should not taste like an orange!
belin!

an unimportant announcement

humourless get

les animaux super poilus innit?

evangeline

back in old shoe horse town
i met a girl
she talked the walk
a curious being was she
she took my hand
and told me tales of a faraway land
i already had the ticket
and she wasnt on the sell
she was going to faraway land
and as chance would have it
i was circling the port---hole
she was going through the motions
the ones obliged by our overlords
and walked right into my cublicloid
what a role i was playing
with tulio but sans schoolyard
less than professional,  i was
no wonder mwt bit the shit
he found his gawd
and changed his mind
a place id rather not visit
somewhere in the inner south east
shittish party that

we did a lunch
across from a seat of learning
a whole old new world
a place that i knew
but didnt have a fucking clue
id stumbled the streets
visited the pubs out of my time
had frequented the station to stazione
but it sure as fuck wasnt my place

she said i will see you on the other side
i said surey nuff

tpbciicbarsed..

mind the reality gap

I was looking at heading down to the animal sanctuary and I figured it would be cool to zoom around on a scooter.  Brill idea hey?!?

This is how I imagined it happening...

this is what the sanctuary had in mind...

what came first the chicken, the gruff or the darwinian greek?

greetings to the residents of the poultry bin



and the obligatory ongoing goodness of helltastic gnams...

 

this COULD have been the soundtrack to your life...

,

but it fucking shant.. so its off to the disney generated shat hole for you!

i don't want to hear about your big decisions..

shout them
murmur them
moan about them
in an impure manner
there aint to treetop high enuff
aint no trenchy foot enuff
to keep me from not giving a shit

dont work any harder
keep your mind on old horseshit
your things are only available on order
sniff another's bit

your bowel movements are riveting
to somebody outside your ken
but personne that swept your electoral collage
could be our very own hun sen

those tired attempts at rhyme
these exhausted beliefs out of thyme
only spouting the leafless chime
cannot deny the big bad slime
(you know it)

sleepless, feckless and senseless
pointless, smelly and daft
your tales only serve
to define your smarmy craft

please do break on through
the other side is a pit of shite
you will always be welcome
in this den of purest, saintly fucking night

tell us another tale
your nobility will shine through
nasty brutish and short
'tis hardest to bang in the last clou

do string him up
that paragon of bling
wind back the clock of lies
make that naked torso sting

hard times are never over
trouble can make in my arse
still im looking forward
to a long fucking nasty fucking piece of verbiage that can never be parsed

fuck you

and your big decisions

oh here here!

je ne me rappel pas si j'ai deja ecrit (mal) un blog en francais
mais j'imagine qu'il est temps
ce n'est pas que j'ai quelque chose d'important de dire
pas du tout
mais je sais que j'ai ecrit en anglais, en italien et en espagnol
donc il fallait ecrire en francais
surtout parce que en theorie au moins
je le parle assez bien
en putain theorie
il serait que maintenant je peux raisonner en francais?
ouais je crois
quand j'ecoute a france inter je comprends la grande majorite les gens
quand je regards le journal de 20 heures de france 2, meme chose
donc je suis expert?
je ne sais pas
quand je parle avec les amis en francais c'est plus difficile
ils parlent trop vite
ils parlent trop doucement
il y a toujours des bruits de fond
merde ou meme marde!
maintenant je voyage autour de la lune
j'ai deja fait le voyage de la terre a la lune
e je l'ai aime bien
mais ce deuxieme voyage autour de la lune
boh
je ne sais pas
je me manque l'enthousiasme un peu
je verrai ces celebres selenites?
je crois...
mais...
cela n'arriverai trop tot!
je voyage lentement...
mais je fucking arriverai!

2016 the year of the tapeworm

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes YESSSSS!
it is 2016 and it is time for another blog postage.
looking into your crystal balls, what does limebeaver.etc.etc predict for your nonesuches?

Tapatio- you wont be DEF (mos or otherwise) and your grasp of the english language will be poor, except on tuesdays. you might also drown a cake.

Asticot- you will crawl heedlessly and fecklessly into a sticky future, your family will writhe in your company and you will die before the year is out. guaranteed!

Pleistocene- what the fuck are you doing here anyway?  your time is long gone, consider looking into exorcism, or at least a new shampoo.

Entropy- you will lose your shit. give it away now (gradually)

Willow (Bill)- Your year ahead is looking a little weepy.  Perhaps even if you are a child, but nominative determinism can be struggled against.  Keep an eye out for eligible chairs.

Ostriche - you will be unable to shove your head into the sand,   It doesnt matter how hard you bloody try, stop it (fucking)!  You may end up with grit in your innards, but it ain't going to grow into anything pretty.

Rampart- your lack of resolution will leave you overly pixellated/dated and not enchated.  You may feel you are building up to something, but it will all end in sticky, salty blood.

Michelada- you will be delicious, you will consistently show up your crappy piscine relative.    You will be refreshing, satisfying and just fab.  You win 2016!

inconsistent king lizards

The earth crushing news that this site brought you EXCLUSIVELY AND FIRST AND KERBLOOEY! only a couple of years ago, that the brontosaurus never existed- is horse shit!
now we bring you the earth crushing news that brontosaurus did really exist after all in this REVELATION AND ORIGINAL AND BOKKO!
its name was bob and it was hiding in a cave all along, or something.
WHAMMO!

all out just shy of 2 4 2 ...

the crossing

une chansonne trop belle...

mais je n'ai aucune idee sur quoi il s'agit!

quelque chose sur boire une salete en portant des lunettes ?

donc!

ce n'est pas un pesce d'aprile!
compris?
c'est un poisson d'avril
ce qui est completement different (aussi sans les accents!)

en fait, ce n'est meme pas un pescado de abril...  ( ou un pez)
pas du tout!
car celui n'existe pas!
(ou ca serait une ruse?!?)