a man walks into a bar

he was an alcoholic, so nothing new there...

Fitba World Cup 2010 Preview-Group A

the fifa coca pepsi compulsory detention kodak larium 2010 world cup is almost here!

and its coming to you from luvverly seth efrica, the stabbiest country in the world. The first world cup in africa, brilliant!

today LBS (Limebeaver Bollocks Service) brings you a preview of Group A.

Seth Efrica- The host team will have huge home support from a million screaming vuvuzelas and almost as many bouncing fans. Sadly they are shit and will probably lose all their matches, which is a pity for said bouncing fans and general festy vibe.

Me-hico- will be coming on strong after ditching Svennis the Pennis and may well thththth their way further into the tournament which will make a lot of people in north america that arent bungholes very happy. Viva Mexico!

Uruguay-after recovering from missing the last world cup due to osstraya despite their humbly proclaimed 'divine right', over-achieving 4 million populationed Uruguay are back and should be looking to progress beyond the groupy stage. May even be labelled 'ththththPlucky Little Uruguay' at some point.

France-Not so long ago world champs and euro champs, these days they have to resort to playing handball and being cheating surrender monkey bastards to get there. Their coach is a complete dildo and has managed to take a team chock-full of talent and make them utter crap.

Expect them to suck awfully but still in a with a chance of progress due to being in rather average group.

Group A prediction- winner and qualified to next round Mexico

second and qualified to next round Uruguay

not qualified to next round, shit france and shitter seth efrica

smile n mother fucking arse tango

im well pissed off

its been 6 months since i tried to buy some RON from some idiotic shambleshop in godblessamerica

i went the ebabes

with which ive not had a single problem before

amongst the 80ish purchases transacted over years

but these fucking idiotic gun-humping, bible sucking deadshit godblessamericans...

no, that was good enough for them

they had to fuck it up, queen size

falsely advertise the product

saying it would work with my gear

which it fucking didnt

then I,

fucking I

pay to post it back to stupid deficente godbless america

and pay MORE

to get the correct RON which they promise to post out asafuckingp

2 weeks later?

fucking nothing!

1 month later?

fucking nothing!

i email them and they say just be patient itll arrive soon

all in good faith corporate american wank etc

7 weeks later?

still fucking arse fucking nothing!

they answer my email with some cockmunch and bullshit story

we have to apply for insurance then we can refund your money

coz it must be lost in the mail

we are an open and transparent business and we appreciate your custom bullshit bullshit

fucking bunghole cuntfaced stronzi!

you will be contacted within 21 days to confirm insurance request

21 days later?

fucking still bastarding nothing!

i send email asking what in the name of flying fuckfacedpigfaced shit is going on

4 days later?

fucking bastard shit fuckbarbarastreisand nothing!

i email again telling them how disappointed i am and if i receive no answer i will take it to ebay and seek compensation.

4 days later?

fucking fucking fucking fuckety fuck fuck fuck off doublebarbarastreisandadamsandlersandrabollocks nothing!

im going to fucking learn to make virus's and send them the nastiest fucking virus in history

goddam fuckingfuckfaces!

the moral of this story?

fuck godblessamerica, fuck computers, fuck ebay and fuck right off!

the stupidest song name ever?

and whats worse is i dont think they are doing irony...

what does he mean? what is he trying to say?

does he shag lavatories?

does he shag in lavatories?

does he meet tall black men called 'john, really' in lavatories and machine love them?

does he love his 'lavatory machine'?

has he ever made love to a machine, coz thatd be like making love to him, coz hes like a lavatory machine...

There can be only one...

VERSUS

wanna see a real challenge?
sod that lightweight upper crust ponce crap, Man versus Wild with bear grylls!
this is the real thing, a true test of courage in the face of adversity, Man versus Mild with lucky grills of Bargearse fame!

who is who... m?

One of these people is a monstrous creation covered in excessive makeup who exists in a fantasy world with a strange unpleasant voice.
The other one is quite pretty...

jay-hove fan club, sign up here...

oh shes good
shes damn good
she very clever, cleverer than you
or a dozen einsteinium parcels
has a corker of a sense of humour
more fun than a busload of clowns on acid
ridiculously kind
so kind she once saved a drowning ant and gave it resuscitation
and determined!
when she sets her sights on something, its hers
come hell or high dining
more perceptive than a perceptometer
quite an athlete too
can run 100metres in 12 seconds flat
swim the 1500metres faster than torpid-o
and bench press a dozen fattened calves
and bit mike tysons ear off, for a giggle
she is sooo thoughtful she single handedly reinvented philosophy
making voltaire, erusmus and plato look like so many homer simpsons
quite a chef too
iron chefs are positively balsa chefs in comparison

and she does a good line in screwdrivers
if only they were of any use...

too fast for you

way too fast for you
streaking ahead
a shadowy streak into the future
eat dust cakes
disappearing over the horizon
a distant shadow in the darkening
exponentially accelerating
possibly beyond eyesore
faster than a speeding bullock
not that stupid bint
what was that?
up-on the earth
is it a girt
is it plain jane
poor thing she meant well
leaving hadrons behind
no need for collisions
a blurred crusade of velocity
rocketing skywards
blazing a trail mix
sonically booming
leaving debris, detritus and desolation
scorched earth
a song in spaceman 3?
kicking into hypo drive
going to ludicrous speed
light warps into pretty patterns as i overtake
straight lines
purple lines
blue lines
a massif central a-tack
going where no time been before
destination?

perhaps the lamb and flag in covent garden...

Kimbob at the RRRse

Last night i trammed it to the most scenic of all brunswick east studios of the greatest radio station in the universe, 3RRR and saw a set by the great Kim Salmon and the Surrealists. Still as cool as he was the first time I saw him 17 bloody years ago...

buenos muchachos

esto es una poema muy graciosa de Mario Benedetti, del libro El Mundo que respiro. El fue un gran escritor y poeta uruguyano. (con un bel nombre italiano!) Vale Mario!

hora que galileo y giordano bruno
han sido redimidos por el humor del papa
también es de esperar que resuciten
y nos cuenten qué tal es eso
de pasar tanto tiempo en la nada
mientras el cosmos mata y se divierte

ahora que el papa nos ha convencido
de que galileo y giordano bruno
eran buenos muchachos
convendría sacudir con fuerza la inquisición
para ver cuántos santos incluye
todavía a estas fechas

entre las conclusiones a sacar
de este estupor reciente
que invade los insomnios
estimo que lo mejor es ser ateo
pero no de engañapichanga
sino mas bien ateo protocolario
ateo confesional
con vistas a que un papa
del dos mil setenta
autorizado eso sí por nostradamus
se anime a decretar en un acto de fe
o en una fe de erratas
que también nosotros
somos buenos muchachos


Quien lo sabes, tambien yo podria ser un bueno muchacho...

Goat Attack Lives!

Goat attack at Donvale nursing home

20 Apr 10 @ 12:11pm by Shaun Turton

The On Luck nursing home in Donvale.

UPDATE 1.10pm: A GOAT attack at a Donvale nursing home has left three people injured.

Doncaster Constable Dianne Davidson said the goat – a seven-year-old billygoat aptly named Billy – initially attacked a gardener at the On Luck Chinese nursing home in Tindals Rd.

Constable Davidson said the gardener, 60, was trying to shoo the 80-90kg goat from a bucket of weeds when it “took exception” and “butted” him.

She said another man, about 70, tried to intervene, only to find himself on his back being butted by the fully horned animal.

Constable Davidson and her partner, Constable Rickilea Mitchell, hauled the “big goat” off the man, who was “conscious and breathing the whole time”.

She said the wife of the goat’s owner, understood to be a 20-year-old woman, injured her ankle when running to get help.

The owner of the goat, who lives in a neighbouring property, arrived, tied a rope to the goat’s horns and led it home.

Ambulance spokesman Paul Bentley said paramedics were called to a paddock just before 11am.

Mr Bentley said the two men suffered head injuries.

He said the three victims were given pain relief and one man was fitted with a neck brace.

The 70-year-old has been taken to Box Hill Hospital, while the remaining pair was taken to Maroondah Hospital, Mr Bentley said.

Constable Davidson said it was the first goat-related call-out experienced by either her or her partner.

Final score; Goat Attack 3 - Bungholes Utd 0
What's not to love?

three imaginary boys

robert, porl and simon walked the path
none of them existed
they were all products of imagination
robert was the idea of anne, a freckled redhead from suburbia in australia
porl was a figment of sophia von hagia, a greek exile from the hellespont
and simon was the creation of the moustachioed matilda of the outer hebrides
their creators never met
not even in a virtual sense
as they lived and died in a time before the interweb
before mobile phones, faxes and digital imagery
nevertheless they existed on a parallel plain
they smiled in the face of the darkening eve
and felt their juvenile emotions more devastatingly than grown-ups
whose imagination sunk without trace amidst careers, mortgages and the 'real world'
all they had to do was create something that had never been
in any universe...

a trades description fucker

my nam is ESA. and ihave been accosted by a girl who sayss she is a prety blonde but she's not
one guy that looks at this blog. do you live in america? what do you think? answer me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smarter radio ga-ga

you might be able to tell me
but it rates countries
all these thinktanks that supported the status quo
they're just opinion heads
used to assume
they know the dangerous path they're treading
whats gangster glass?
the actual human being
just because you're not wearing a fucking car
you know, what are you doing?
the population explosion of children
now a bunch of bourgeois scum units
i like it around here
is in no way a token candidate
plug away!
and dance our arses off at the same time
thriving and flourishing
you can understand the suspicion that some people have
then pull the kids out

ring ring....

yep, this blog was just phoned-in...

may i be frank?

casa iberica blog

http://casaibericadeli.com.au/
me gusta mucho la casa iberica.
tienen muchas cosas buenas por beber y comer
comida de la peninsula iberica y america latina
quesos, panes, chorizos, refrescos, y mucho mas aun
latas, jarras, mariscos congelados.. demasiado cosas buenas!
tambien el hecho que son simpaticos alla
y muy paciente cuando un tipo destruye la hermosa idioma castellano mientras prueba ordenar algo
al menos lo imagino...

but how do you get on tv?

dunno, ask luke...

no longer practicing my stabbing

ive quit practicing my stabbing
its been a pretty comprehensive stabbing practicing career
stretching back into the stabby past
every day a-stab-stab-stab i'd go
with a big stabbing machine
then transferring to a smaller stabbing machine
its expensive all this stabbing
several thousand dollars stabbed away
but to practice the stab no more
not a single stabbage
well, perhaps a quick practice stabette before di partire
thank fuck for that
i was fucking well sick of it
all this practicing my stabbing...

good thinking remains unrecognized

Pope 'condom' gaffe: Foreign Office apologises

Memo suggested UK should mark Pope's visit by asking him to launch a range of Benedict-branded contraceptives

Photograph: Evil Fucker, head of International Money Laundering, Human Rights Violating, Mass Murdering and Bullshit Pedalling Arseholes inc.

The Foreign Office has apologised over a document suggesting the Pope should open and abortion clinic during his visit.

The Foreign Office was last night forced to issue a public apology after an official document suggested Britain should mark the Pope's visit this year by asking him to open an abortion clinic, bless a gay marriage and launch a range of Benedict-branded condoms.

In a note, the official responsible for sending out the memo – a junior civil servant in his 20s – said: "Please protect; these should not be shared externally. The 'ideal visit' paper in particular was the product of a brainstorm which took into account even the most far-fetched of ideas."

Foreign secretary David Miliband was said to be "appalled", and Britain's ambassador to the Vatican, Francis Campbell, has met Holy See officials to voice the government's regret.

A Foreign Office spokesman said: "This is clearly a foolish document that does not in any way reflect UK government or Foreign Office policy or views. Many of the ideas in the document are clearly ill-judged, naive and disrespectful. The text was not cleared or shown to ministers or senior officials before circulation. As soon as senior officials became aware of the document, it was withdrawn."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/apr/25/pope-benedict-condom-gaffe