la fantasia no ce l'ho piu

i lost my imagination
oh dear
i must have put it down somewhere when the phone rang
or something of the like
no
thats not right
some people of big imaginations
that fill up the room like a herd of antelope
rubbing their tusks against the fireplace
some people have ickle ones
that you have to look very close to make out
like a mirrors reflection of the sun on the ceiling
on a splendido giorno
or even a serene one
and then there are those that dont have em at all
way too many of those for my liking around these days
its those fuckers that make the world a shitty shitty place
wars and the like

my imagination was always a fairly healthy size
sometimes inflating itself beyond all reasaonble size
and beyonds its realistic limits
then you could see the holes in it
peter pan you might say
never had no wings butt
put it away

so it fell out somewhere
i hope it wasnt when i was hanging out on a caddle grid
or a street drain
then i will never find the bugger again
usually it finds me
lucky really
considering how senile i can be
it could be in a jacket pocket
or a trouser leg or some such rot
or a bloody salvagente lining
not to be rediscovered until winter in 2010
sounds pretty far away unless you actually think about it
someone might have call the hoodoo guru singer and let him know about it being at hand

so the imagination
perhaps it got sick of the lack of affection and upped and left
thatd be a shit
but it might just serve me right
heres hoping its just sulking out on the street somewhere
and its a warning
i have neglected it
that much is true
its been pretty much unloved for many moons
lazy brain cant be farked

i dont think i could afford another
i wouldnt even know where to begin looking for one
or being one
plus
i suspect you cant get replacements
i reckon you get one and its up to you to make the most of it
so the lepers with none are stuck without for their entire sad lives
wankers
and sad fuckers who rot their brains with drugs of various kinds and kill theirs
well they too are todgered

well fancy fucking that
ive just come up with a whole load of bollocks
and i didnt even have to think about it for second
it came to me a like a cascade of....
never mind
HA.... its back
suck my munch mondo cattivo

her first screen test

its been a long time between drinks
no thats not right
no i never had a script
oh croak this
harsh times come to thee no more

happy christmas

hi all,
so here we are - its Christmas!
we are here is ringwood, Victoria, Australia.
its a leafy green suburb.
there is the tinkling of the piano keys being made by a cousins girlfriend who i haven't met before.
there is food in the fridge and on the benches that is waiting to be eaten by us hungry relatives.
i am hungry as i worked out the food for lunch, but didn't quiet get around to eating breakfast. little lucy had breakfast - kiwi and rice porridge - but not i.
so i am looking forward to try the portugese style chicken that was cooked in the weber last night.
many hugs,
Lisa.

no, rally

id stop the world and melt for you...

underwhelmed blog

ohhh i had so much to tell
so many tales of far orf lunatics
of different languages
different faces
big water and mountains and bleaches and thththth
of moving, keep on moving
of precious time spent with darling muppets
of hearts exploding with expectation
of transport
more fucking transport
of funny faces and accents
of a community in a few streets on the other side
of a whole load of stuff
....
i had an itchy foot before

flatpack lifestart kit

nobody is talking about mary
we are talking about marydeath
that lady that was never there...
a clean break between passst and present
flesh singed and perfect scarring achieved
perhaps its better that way
tho it doesnt make it less fastidious
or spezza cuore
that doesnt look right
a type of angoscia that is strictly personal
experiences vissute with gente adorata
meh and beh
but thats over there now
in the land of the past
a particularly rich land in this case
its got more inhabitants, colours and odours than most pasts
heres a line drawn under it
pity i dont really wish to...
__________________________________________________________________

brave new world
a view of a green tree
horses for corses
new improved everything
no daunting tasks ahead
only exciting challenges one can rise to like a rising challenge machine
huzzzfuckingahhhh
___________________________________________________________________

marydeth
wot?
massive achievement in backage pagging
despoiled by forgetting everything
surrealist woman blues
strange familiar faces
drivin drivin
there you go
queuing queuing
camping etc
drinking smoking way too much
goto megadromedome
get fed up and way too blahah
wander off and stagger lee
cant find it at all
go to bed
muppet.
day 2
rested a tad
breadheads in town
setting orf for the long long very long engagement
tsalright the
berntastic stretching out in all his blue tape glory
the song remained the same
black lips or something
some dude from kinston winston mun
didnt rock beavis boat
art brut were good
but kind of just missed the finishing touche
i dont know
anddddddddddddd

non e' nemmeno un reipilogo

errr che cazzo succede ?
dopo il volo fino a sydney, con tanto ma tanto spazio...
ero fuori come una decina di balconi
cazzeggiare per l'aeroporto
ho deciso di dichiarare la mandibola della piranha
ma ho domenticato la mela e il pannino
doh!
mi hanno rotto le palle pero fortunatamente ho fatto un bel impersonazione di uno stupido
e mi hanno perdonato senza multarmi
fewwwww
poi il volo di carntarse a melby
madonna che schifo che fa la cantarse
e poi eccoci a 'casa'
un viaggio breve con la signorina allo studio
un studio vuoto e un po triste
poi a fruttidelmare tuckerbag a vedere l'ex casa di chiv?
il cervello e' ormai fuso completamente e trovo molto difficile il dovere di communicare
poi al jeff pattison licksarse
nel palazzo... quante e' grande.
un po di relax e un po da bere
piu di un po
e il giorno prox facciamo il trasloco in una nebbia grande
fino a fitzbeavis...
che cazzo...?

jet slag and meeting george, like fuck...

a wussy little pygmy building that was greatly honoured san that i visited....



..................................................................................................................................................................
some things happened
of great consequence
no doubt
but my brain is insane in the members end brane
it is 8.33 pm
and you are reading taipei airport
at least thats the time here in taipei
if you are reading this in equatorial guinea
well go suck my socks
i dont know what time it is...
what a day
see my vest
left lauralandia with little sleep and some hangover for 7thurthy ish
metro from place of the gold medals
who won them and wot for?
annuva metro from museo which is only slightly called museo
except when its called cavour
not cavour
what the fufufuufu?
got my tickety boo from remarkably non 3rd world machine
painlessly except for the one pain in my brain that remains unchanged
and the fact that some nuff nuff put the cards in backwards
got the highspeed tav funkotronic is it really worth the exccschtra 14 euro trainage to rrroma
thats alright then
then hopped onto the goattrain to fiumicino
at least thats what i think happened
seems too long ago now
theres goes a plane thundering down runnyway
played where the fuck is the bancone game
lots of others played too
but they were all shit at it
found out they spelled my name all rong
spelled it f-a-r-t-k-n-u-c-k-e-r
twats
got my train
got all emotional about leaving the promising land
dull long slow thud there
and we're off
happy to score 2 seats
happy to choose mooofies
chose simpsons finalfuckingmente
not bad, if only my hed wasnt doing itself in
ate
did that some more
slept
a movie about some chick called dawn who rescued vietnam
eat, sleep, wotch film, that drill
booted off at bangers
collect great stash of duty free booze
only to discover worm man has cancelled it
fucking little cunt
dodgy fags for suzzzzzzie queueueueue
do the lap for no reason and were off again after not watching buddhist chat shows
looooadsa room on planeage
stretch me out and have 4 of those spanx very much
eat, wotch, snooze and drool
and its tiepay time
moan
waste time before going on half day siteseeing trip with ovver gringoes
v cool guide dude suspiciously called scott or something
who aint a big fan of japanese people
and is a big fan of the changerator
ends up being very cool and i dont drop dead from jet slag
see a buddhist crowded temply jobbie
see the prezzs house that apparently looks like hamsterdam station
boh
see temple for the ded people who died making war to save the world from war
saw the we really really really love chang kai shek building
photes of changers on the lavatory
changers brushing his moe
changers mincing his way down carnaby street with joanna luvly
changers just being famous
ooops another plane beasts off down the runway
changs car
changs other car
you get the pitcher
then get dropped near the worlds biggest building
or tallest shortcake
its dublin huuuuuge
go up and and up up and and
amazing fast lift
greeeeted by prettty girls with antlers
do an hour of hard time with guided tour thing and looking at stuff thinking that i shouldve eaten
really pretty bluddy spesh
big too
with a big gold nad in the middle
got the farsted lift
the tallest inhabited something
the tallest office thing
the tallest pile of cheese sticks
whooosh goes another planeage
its all action today with big ron hair
opt out of the pretty crystally tower thing
i love pretty crystally thing vand get the super cheesy fat bastard pretending to blow up the builiding fote
no, neither do i
look just fuck off i woz tired
in the end opt out
go down down down
food court full of amazing munch and 300 silly dollars scorchiong a whole in my bucket
eat it
then orf to find airbus or something
find it
mysteriously meet half my little tour groupage on it
chatting with couple from brisvegas
few types from slovenia
and im back at taipei hairport struggling to stay sane and awake
only another hour and a half to go ....
then more bloody
another plane cruises by this time
maybe he missed a gear
and stalled an automatic
how about that lll
sigh very fucking profondo

if youre out there george...
youre shit and you know you are...

si, si nicholas e' una casa meravigliosa....

i wish to point out the following;
no sleep til bristol
buses and buses and buses to brisvegas airport
no, i dont have any liquids
except those ones there
sorry about that... again
flight to orio al serio... otherwise known as bergamo or milan bergamo
what a load of bollacks
i could see bergamo alto from the train
made me all sooky for the ilaria daze
cruised past dalmine on the autostrada
train to genova from milano centrale
texts stronzuomo saying i will be there around 7
no answer, no interest
arrive and spend 2nd last euro to get the toy train from principe to sarzano
stroke of genoese brilliance no.1-take 30 years to build a shitful little metro line
have a stop at one of the main stations, which cooincidentallyh is underground
but whatever you do, dont join the underground main station to the underground metro station
make the suckers walk up and out and up and out and around and for fucking miles to then go down down deeper and down
fucking eeejiots
communque
finally arrive at casa stronzo.. but theres no answer to the doooooh
sitting in via ravecca passing time
got not credit left on italian fone
got not credit left on uk fone
cant contact anybody
got no euros
got no money in bank account
only money is on credit card, but i dont have a bloody pun
cant get no credit man
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
in the end make a dash for the office of mr mountains and the beauty of his shock when i wombat into the office
good old life saving mr mountains... long may he diatribe
____________________________________________________________________
in genova there was erik
he was off his face
lovesick and not little squilibrato
his shower was green
the hot water was a trial to achieve
duck your head and turn the yellow knobs
paolino is loving his new music collection
in his luffly house with a view of campo pisano over the porto.. sort of
marco is on form
marco is always on form
marghe is on super form... tales of tall and true
mr mountains is barking
barking, woof woof, rock n roll
unibank credito in via dante is a merda
passed 4 hours waiting for service
mentolocale is still doing apertivi
still asking too much money
money runny nose
monica is there
hello monica is there
quanto sei simpatica....

________________________________________________________________

napoli-
arrive in a weary old state
too cold or not too cold
sit up a drinking with lovely laura
talking and chiacchierando
tutti e both
next day is rest day
feeling not too energetic
another evening of drinking and smoking
watching fillums and talking bollocks with l and antonella
also chat with housmates, err him, him and her... and friendly paco perbacco
day 3 and was a day of gringoism
walking tour of old napolitown
really very lovely
fantastic streets rammed with people
the presepe streets
the that street
lots of interesting stuff to do and see
and all the more appealing with a charming hostess
find a funky prez for the sorellina
try the babA, try the sfogliatella...
ooh that babA is sooaaaked in rhum not ron
gotta do it man, im napoletano now
both delightfully delishvous
the presepi are amazingly intricate
pity they are based upon lies and propoganda
look at jewellery shoppes and snaffle a ring and a post nasal stabbage
lovely l buys the ring for me
what a kind being...
wander down by the piazza del popolo
the palazzo reale
and some pitchas down by the watttta
it was really lovely
fresh but not too cold
the sun did show and make it all fancy dancy
back to vomito and walking about looking for a gnarli rad shop
we find after many moons but its closssssssssssed
back for a chill winston
then its orf again around vomito looking for gnarli rads, sleeping pills and train tix
no joy there
in the end plump for change of idea and herbal slippages
decide to drop into gs rip off market and buy years supply of stuff at an exorbitant prices
lovely l is not a happy bunny
back to herr place, trying desperately to sort train tix online
but the trenitalia site is a mare
in any language
hoping against hope my cc hasnt been frozen following email
after seemingly hours of stress its all done
and im very happy
guests show up and i get to play tropical fush
dont see much of the hostess
which is a pity
eating napolitan pizzas
like they should be done
drinking beers and wotnot else
passing spliffs and playing a silly board game called taboooooooooo
kind of unfair on rusty non mother tongue speakers
so i just swear a lot
followed by sleepless in neaples...

high hoe, high hoe

its off to napolilandia i go....

thrills mills and smellybakes

a blur of a brisvegas
a weekend of giggles and more giggles
highlighted by saturday night right
a few casual drinkies and yummy munchies at ems
the people flowed
i ebbed
and we are off and racing in a phlange
to the mingers arms
its cold and dark on the firm streets of brisvegas
doon and doon we go
feeling a bit weirdy
go sit that way
then find a room with people in it innit
theres smelly shelley
she isnt really that smelly and very lovely
new and strawberry matt
some other fresh faced chap
some rather dull bloke who turns out to be the friend of twat
not a big suprise that
a hairy christian is found with his laydee
faisel the popular
and some more thangs
a big phat pint of hooooooooooergarten
catherine is falling down all over the shop
convinced we need to hijack a taxi
then off to the prince of whales
not that one
or that one
or maybe it wasnt
we wandered through a dodgy park
someone went missing
chris had no feeer
odd place that
downstairs, bowling thang, upstairs and outstairs
chatting and blahing all over the various stairs
quite fun that
except the twats didnae wanner serve me after dung bell ringing time
ive been waiting here 10 minutes i said
no you havent barnob says
yes i bloody have i said
then its orf back to party hearty at georgelandia
ragtag bunch of tagrags and toerags
and we are off and racing in 15 or so
martin on spliff duty
catherine on crazy saucy dancing with flowers
juicy and em helping out
chris on spliff duty
faisel on baby shaking duty
everybody on various drinking duty
and many more grates
then a large twat showed up, matt the following
he sooked and was shit until sooking at em for having a life
then ringing and abusing people and leaving unpleasant messages
what an enormous act of fuckwittery
even for that enormous fuckwit
fortunately nobody particularly cared
too busy good timeing
singing dancing spliffing boozing pilling and grinning like big bad muppets
taking photos in the extreme
til at least 4
i went to bed at midday and slept all day
missing all day boozing at the pub, NEXT DOOR
in the evening it was all off to juicyland for home delivered debacle curry
four luvved up and fuzzy people just enjoying eachothers company
not an early night either
catherine didnt want to goooooo
so she stayed and watched chopper with us
then freaked out coz a man with a knife was going to stab her
and spent a good 40 minutes wandering upstairs and downstairs
making my sides hurt with larfffta
sad farewells to vomity boots catherine in the middle of the noiwt
monday the day of rest
pfiffed pfaffed and read benji some bedtime tintin
packing in the hall staying up late watching 342434 channels of stuff
funny that
farwethewells in the morn and its orf on another transport binge...

mangia merda padre del cazzo

Padre Pio 'faked his stigmata with acid'

By Peter Popham in Rome

Published: 25 October 2007

Padre Pio, the friar with fingerless gloves whose image is found on a million Catholic key chains; who was canonised before 200,000 ecstatic pilgrims five years ago, was a charlatan who deliberately mutilated himself with acid to give the appearance of bearing the stigmata of Christ, according to evidence to be published next week.

The Italian historian Sergio Luzzatto will release Padre Pio, Miracles and politics in 20th century Italy – a book producing new evidence from Vatican archives, which he says proves that the charismatic friar secretly procured carbolic acid with which to burn his hands, feet and sides.

The allegations are not new: two successive popes regarded Padre Pio as a fraud. By 1920, when Pio was 33 and was already exhibiting his scars before masses of pilgrims, the church was worried that his cult was spinning out of control. Reports commissioned by the church claimed Pio regularly scourged himself with a metal-tipped whip, and had sex with women twice a week. For many years Pio was banned from celebrating mass in public.

Of particular concern to the church were the ugly, weeping wounds which Pio concealed under those fingerless gloves. The friar claimed that he had received the stigmata of Christ – wounds to his hands, feet and side like those suffered by Christ during his crucifixion – at the culmination of a mystical seizure.

A doctor sent by the Vatican to examine them concluded that the wounds were probably caused and maintained artificially. To test the hypothesis he bound the wounds and sealed the bandage to prevent it being tampered with. But on examination a month later the doctor was nonplussed to find that the wounds had failed to heal.

Yet now Mr Luzzatto claims to have unearthed documents that prove beyond reasonable doubt that the friar was a trickster.

In the summer of 1919, the 28-year-old cousin of a pharmacist in the southern city of Foggia, a deeply religious young woman called Maria de Vito, made the pilgrimage to Pio's church, San Giovanni. The pharmacist told his local bishop, Mgr Salvatore Bella, "When she returned to Foggia she brought the greetings of Padre Pio and asked me in his name, and in strict secrecy, for carbolic acid, telling me that Padre Pio had need of it, and giving me the little bottle he had given her, capacity 100g, and with a skull and crossbones."

The pharmacist jumped to what Mr Luzzatto believes is the right conclusion. "My thought was that the carbolic acid could be used by Padre Pio to procure or further irritate wounds on his hands."

Mr Luzzatto cites the note written by Pio to the young woman, Maria de Vito, "though much more neatly than his normal hand".

Invoking the blessings of Jesus, Pio writes baldly: "I am in need of 200g or 300g of carbolic acid for sterilising. I pray you to send it to me on Sunday." This, claims Mr Luzzatto, is the smoking gun. If he had really needed the acid for sterilising purposes, he demands, "why did he proceed in such an oblique manner?"

Mr Luzzatto's claims, splashed across a full page of Corriere della Sera, Italy's best-selling daily, were furiously denounced by Pietro Siffi, president of the Catholic Anti-defamation League. The "presumed proofs are absolutely false," he said. "According to Catholic doctrine, canonisation involves the infallibility of the pope."

muppet day in bristol

tis a big day round this parts
oooh arrr my lovaarrrrrrr
theres a bday affair for little miss muppet
we are going to a pub called the pub
then to anuvva pub called the pub
then going to sit out back of her place under a gaze-bo
they used to be called place-bo
in the meantime the rain has stopped and the soooonshine is oot
many important peoples will be there
catherine the great
martin the great
chris the great
juicy the great
joe the great
emma the great
faisel the great
claire the great
that other bird the great
that bloke the great
me the great
lots of other people the great
but not grim the great
unfortunately....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it seems i fell off a bike
maybe i couldnt find a parking for it
i dont know anything
no, not much at all.....
only that i fly from rome to far fucking away in 8 days
erik the stronzo is dead silent
coz hes in luff
the figa might be bizzaay
ive got parcels going to mo
but they are going missing
and addressed to sheep
where the hell am i going to fly to
im flying on blue monday
to bloody where?
the prices keep salendo
arghghhghghg
my brain is in a state of flux

a juice is loose in the hoose with a mousse

holsten pils 7 for a fiver and stella a quid each

stockwell road brixton
or is that brixton road stockwell?
sure he does....
i have been camped here for a week and a half
the tent is out the back
behind the coq sportif
nowhere to park your bike tho
uniteds front line needs reinforcing
susan sarandon reminds me of somebody
with vucinics second
fell to pieces
just a word then
milky joe isnt happy with the holsten
i just wish he could keep his cool with those penalties... freddie
the exponentially expanding friendlist
viola wot?
the general welfare of the soldiers
she just pulls the tab and off they come
dead man walking just doesnt compel me
silly men discussing silly game moreso
what might that say about the chap down below bellowing about his missing shoe?
catherine went to bed
too cold she cried
its sevilla one
arsenal one
bugger...

and then everything was M A R V E L L O U S...

FUCK YOU, FUCKING PRICK!


John Howard! You’re a fucking cunt.
John Howard! You’re a bloody liar.
John Howard! You’re full of shit.
John Howard! Why dont ya get fucked.

c/o Victims of Noah

and everything was terrible...

england v croatia euro 2008 qualifiers 2-3, football's hasn't even called home...

albion

ridiculous argos store...


everything is lovely after australia score , except i didnt see it...
get off silly iberia plane
will there enough time to get to the fitba?
check out transport options
heathrow express
heathrow tube
heathrow connect
heathrow lavatory legs
plump for the intermediate one and im orf...
v hungry and forced to eat shite from vending machines... first time in a long time
change at paddlington and tube it to oxford circass then change again to heading souf
orf at stockwell and down the road that im begining to know well
arrive at the far side and into the arms of my beloved cat
who has cooked up a storm
eat a storm, speak some bollocks, shower and head out to craven cottage for the fitba
wondering where do they get off
we find craven cottage and a huge swell of australians
not as excruciating as i had feared
get in sneakily and find out theres no booze til arf time
bastards
take our seatage and marvel at how ickle the place is
the players are just... over there
game is fun and my brain is playing along
in a clever ploy i go to the bar before half time
but they are being twats
eventually we stock up and sit in an enclave
surrounds by hordes of australians
not as excruciating as i feared
one ridiculous 18 year old is swaying and staggering
oz flag draped around her shoulders and she cant walk or talk
we quaff our stuff as you cant take booze into the stands
clever ploy backfires as we miss the only goal of the match
funk dat
anyway
after the goal the atmos is fab
jumping up and down and loads of chanting
oz play well and so do nige
oz wins 1-0 and everything is okay
we bus it back and start drinking
oh dear
__________________________________________________________________

team keeps on moving and a few days pass with doing not much
just hanging about above the pub
evening boozing sessions and lots of fun chatting and catching up
at some point a trip to argos to get some blank dvds to steal lots of films
and shock bloody trevor its the shop from the future
nothing in the shop except catalogues
feeling very 3rd world i figure it out
you find what you want in the catalogue
write down the number
go and pay then wait to be called to pick it up
very whizz bang and definitely the way of the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTURE
quite liking brixvegas
has its charms
very multicultural innit like?
___________________________________________________________________

plans gradually falling into place
go to here when where?
flights to oz
flights to somewhere in italy
coaches around uk
trains around italy
staying here where and what?
confucious said that he had lost his left sock at the laundromat
lucky bloody him
watching dvds on johnnies obscenely big and clever projector with big o soundo
very very very fucking impressive
enough to make you wanna take drugs
___________________________________________________________________
last night big game o foot o ballo
england v croatia
england needed a draw to go to euro 2008
the drama, the passion, the boots
incredible bad start with the goalie gifting a goal to croatia
shortly after another fuck up and its 2-0 down
the commentators on five live are in disbelief
catherine gets in so we head downstairs to watch the 2nd half in the pub
lots of doom and gloom and some nice soup
england get a rubbish penalty and the place cheers up
they get an equalizer and the place goes mental
then croatia score again and its hat throwing time
all over and lots of miserable englanders mope about
i have some staropromen and go to beddy byes

watch out for iguanas

an iberia plane being shit




so iberia are shit
they are so shit
they were shit in 2001
they were shit on the way there and shit on the way back
the plane was late leaving crackvis
they didnt bother letting people know about the chances to missing connecting flights
when i asked about it the answer was 'oh well they will put you on the next one', disinterestedly
twats
i was an hour late into madrid was offered no assistance to speed my way to connecting flight in around 25 mins
hurried off to find the next plane
get sent to the wrong place
stood in a queue and watched the clock eat my time
eventually at the front they tell me i was in the wrong place
cursing in 3 languages i go to the other check
only to be told i had to go back
fuck that
i insisted and got thru to find the gate deserted
legged it to a helpdesky place
while some lady farked around for 45 mins
and eventually told me i was on the next flight boarding now at gate x
so i rush of to gate x to see it deserted
i ask the unhelpful bints who say the next flight is at that gate
so i sit, listen to a pair of south africans complain
the clock is ticking away and there is nobody there.. and its not up on the monitor
so i go off to another helpdesky thing
where they send me back to the fucking empty gate
eventually 10 mins before take off i go and hassle the silly bints at the gate
oh, its at another gate they say snottily
fucking idiots
im bussed away through concrete tunnels to the other fucking side of the place
and board via the back
then... as we are preparing to take off they say the delay is caused by 3 passengers not boarding
and that they are unloading their baggage
a horrible thought struck me that i might be one of them as they didnt even seem to know i existed and i never officially boarded
they check and say all is cool but i dont believe anything they say anymore
then, to top it off.... they charge for food on the flight
on a fucking scheduled flight!!!!
fuck iberia and fuck rubbish spanish customer service

watch out for posadas

not frank not showing his
not butt

somebody else riding not sad ken

still in los llanos
despite the fact that this is now several days ago
big snorefest ensued
and lots of sulking from the roman twat
new day of adventures
we tumble in the jeep and i cop a view from the top
very sschpecktular miss moneyshot
off to another accampento and for a bote trip
we cruise around in little canoe
looking for groovy wild animals
we see pink dolphins but the bastards wont sit up for a photo
selfish gits
we see errr lots of birds, capybara, one in particular called frank that only wanted show us his but, groovy iguanas, a big hairy arsed baby bird in its nest, and some other stuff that may well have been amazing but it slips my reverse flushed mind
back for lunch a siesta and then........
we go for a horsey horsey ride
im pretty freaked coz horses are big monsters with swishy wishy tails
i ask for a horse with one leg
they laugh and away we go at a nice stately little pace
im told off for being to nice to the horsey
apparently you gotta show them whos boss
but im a big softy and i lurv animals
not in the farmlove sense mind...
we plodded about for a bit
after a while i got a bit courageous and took the bugger up to 2nd gear
my horse was called caballo... mysterious name that
i wish i had called him sad ken
but im just not that funny
it went on for a couple of hours and in the end the horse not called sad ken got a bit of a trot on
so i got an even sorer arse and other nethery regions
how on earth do you ride one of those things
anyway now im a big tuff cowboygauchojackaroo
with my howard carter hat
when its over theres another party with a band playing thththh music
and lots and lots of beers
and some little pipe efforts under the stars
michela wants to talk in english and i wanna talk in italian but we find some common ground
might be all that beer
the local band are really quite good but i dont get into it
some folks are dancing and stuff then a star shows up
the fabled giant ant eater that we had started to doubt existed
he wombles around and drinks beer and is surrounded by drunken buffoons
i get a bit close and he wants to play with me
hes a big fucker and i freeze assuming thats what one does
til im shouted at and i get outtay there
helene is flirting with all the local boys
especially pomodoro and junior
all good for giggles for me and the english blokese
then its all over and im chatting to a disappointed jr
he tells me its iraq in our big roomage
im off my trellis and expected a big fight and wanted to snot the roman twat
but not much really...
swinging in the hammocks
or is that swingeing
ninna nanna and all that rot
next day feeling kinda seedy and we are off and racing
to barinas where jr sorts out a ticket for me
which is great coz i really couldnt be arsed
eat big chicken, the best in barinas apparently
then say the farewells and its onto the coach
what follows is a big ridiculous farce
nobody can tell me what time the bus will get to caracas
or more precisely they all make up different numbers
it take cken ages and im thinking i might be on the wrong bus
poor vanessa is coming to meet me at the terminal
but my batteries die and i dont know what the fuck is going on
several hundred years later we get to the terminal after a gazilliion years of traffic
then we turn around and go to another one
im finally off and ring vanessa from one of those little stands
and she comes to get me
in the meantime im getting seriously cranky at all the maggots who keep calling me gringo and trying to shovel me onto a taxi
eventually lovely v shows up looking v stressed and it back to hers in a crab
quick hellos to simona the nutter and a play on the nerd them sleep
all too soon its uppy time and packing
vanessa takes me out to get a hammock and a leones t shirt
and then rushes off to university and luis come with me to the hairport
what a lovely man
a crab, some dodgy bead shopping and a bus later
we are at the airport where hes trying to help me out by translating spanish into spanish and guide me around the place
bless him
queue in the longest queue to get thru immigration
may well have been an hour as the dozy cow was pathetic
then its thru and onto the plane
iberia are shit
we are delayed but there is no explanation
im way too late to get my connection from madrid to london im all the the place
standing in queues
rushing about and getting useless info and being hopelessly misdirected
fuck iberia and madrid airport are diabolically bad