i missed the bus, never gonna do that again...

didnt plan a trip to southern africa, thinking about hippos and their mouth's roofs
didnt daydream about a hammock, wondering when it would come to me
didnt folow a game of football avidly
didnt write a top selling pop song infusing it with dub step
didnt ride the steam train through the fair
didnt ride an ostrich and then feel a bit guilty about it
didnt go out with the roman from numurkah for a beer
didnt read up on european history volumes 1-16, or is that 17
didnt find the details of that shop that has that thing
didnt go out for boules with some girl in adelaide
didnt flounce about queen albert market aghast at fellow shoppers
didnt say 'here we go' in euphoria and thrust my fists in the air like i just didnt care
no one ever heart no one
didnt feel dizzy from taking a child and spinning them around and around
didnt miss the bus
didnt eat 'indian' food
didnt feel the awful ache of dying slowly inside
didnt kidnap a head of state and keep him behind a bookshelf and ultimately murder him
didnt try anything new, sweetness i was only joking
didnt fall in love with the lady in the summer frock
didnt discover the marvels of nuche
didnt graduate after 11 years of hard slog of masters of rocketbrain surgeryscience
didnt marvel at anything
didnt meet up with an old friend by amazing happenstance
didnt move to a land of total dislocation
never gonna do that again...

biggsy is making it hard for me to concentrate

so the australian government is paying 20 million bucks for the visit of the pope
how bloody fucking ridiculous is that
the catholic church own billions of dollars worth of land all over the world
in fact it owns more property than anybody on the planet
what a fucking disgrace
then theres the stuff about abortion
and mens rights about the life and death of an unborn child
the feminists said it is our body
and the law is phrased to recognise that
what a carton of worms
and now theres the use of swearing
cunt and fuck
the newspapers wont print it
what a lot of prude arseholes
as was said... is it to protect the little children who read the age?
horseshit
roba about the us democratic party race
is it a good thing that it is this close
is it just a sack of shit
i just couldnt care less
imagine if we had a presidential election campaign here
all the months and months of all that tripe
just what we bloody need
vaffanculo
next up is the bunch of cyclists brought down by a nutter in sydney
drove behind them shouting and swearing then
gets in front of them and bangs on the breaks
so they all fly into the back of him
what kind of arsehole would do that?
why doesnt the government spend any money making cycling lanes etc
but why do motorists have this bullshit anger against cyclists
it seems to be the home of wanker bogans
showing how tough they are in their cars
coz thats very strong and manly
tossers
a brief mention as to why that horrid little worm ex prime minister is still getting all this media
every time he opens that disgusting little mouth of his
he still gives me shivers when i see him
fucking little piece of excrement.
its on to the casino
and how its exempt from all the laws
in particular from the proposed 2am law
which is a completely stupid idea in the first place
but the government makes a nice little loophole for their favourite source of income
anybody noticed that when you kick everybody out at the same time
like 11pm in the uk
lots of pissed up people cranky that they cant get another drink
out with nothing to do
so they start fighting
what a fucking moronic knee jerk idea
a quick mention about the fact that when there was the taxi drivers
there were no police around
but if you want to protest against anything important
that the government doesnt like
there are riot police everywhere hoping to beat you over the head
for any excuse...
but the crab drivers block the most important intersection in the state
and there are no piggies to be seen
fuck off
and thats it from biggsy and friends
dont stay tuned for enio styles to take you into the afternoon in a crap and smuggy manner

the russians are coming

mayday has been and gone
i missed it and suspect everybody else did too
considering we dont have it in this country
weve got labour or is that labor day
supposed to celebrate the eight hour day
or the 40 hour week
or the seven giraffe thrombosis victims
or etc etc
i didnt do a blog about it
i didnt do a blog about anything
ive been too busy
not doing blogs
im considering giving up the blog thing
considering that nobody reads it
and half the time or more
i cant be arsed writing it
but i feel guilty
like i somehow should be doing it
which is so much nonsense
im just lacking inspiration
it wasnt hard to come by last year
it was positively falling out of me
but now its dried up
when i had great adventures to tell of overseas it was no problem
but without said great adventures
well reporting on the couch isnt really thrilling
movies, gigs, parties and the like
they all should be worth a wry remark or a critique
but the being arsed factor is the main problem
added to the fact that it takes bloody aeons just to load up the page
ensuring that motivation is gone by the time it comes around
it nearly happened again today
for fucks saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
the russians are coming
not black ones
limp white ones without conviction
like a paper cup full of cheap vodka
be afraid
be very afraid
broken dux?

aprile puo andare e fottersi

quanto mi sono stufato recentamente
sono contentissimo che questo mese di merda sia quasi finito
non riesco neanche a lamentarmi bene in questa lingua
cazzo

the clock is ticking

its not really
its just sitting there being ledish
but that hardly grabs the attention
i read somewhere that at the start of a story you have to grab them right them and now by the hairy bits
grab
but the led is changing occasionally
so is the other one
one of them is on universal time
the other is on atomic time
farked if i know the difference
tristan and isolde and lavorytine
ho hum
its roast it night tonight
for no particular reason
i just wanna roast it
i just wanna roast it
this really is all over the shop
ive got material you see
but its too late in the day period slot now to make the most of it
and i wanna keep it for a raining daytimesetting
so im just making shit up and rambling
trying to fill in a few sentences
with inane drivel
good thing im a good thing and good at it
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oh and by the way
invasion of the body snatchers suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks
not just sucks
way worse than that
okay it was the seventies
when things that sucked were in fashion
moustaches, flares, big hairiness, being a bloody whiffy hippy and bucks fizz
sure, they didnt have super special effects machines and they recorded with a matchbox on top of a shit laden stick
using an ants rectum for sound
and saturns third ring for light
but that doesnt mean that they couldnt write decent lines
or act properly
or just not be cheesy wankers
its easy to scorn what was done in the past
i mean to me hitler looks like a silly little turd with a comedy moustache
but fucking hell
what a load of tripe
thank fook there was bowie, and lou and jonathon richman and iggy and clint eastwood being well 'ard
ththththhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

il riscaldamento della casa

there was a housewarming on saturday night
it would have been better off having it this week
it was already quite warm
or am i missing the point?
it was in northcote
which miraculously let me in
despite the fact i wasnt cool enough
they turned a blink eye
let us skulk in the back alley
it was quite an eye opener it was
ive never met any
some smart arse french bloke answered the door
pretended it was the wrong address
he fucked me over
beavis knew better
those whacky french guys
the house was done up all funky
with orange umbrellas and light shade bloody cant think of the names
and there were people all over the shop
sitting in a circle
and some sitting in another circle outside
stan the man was cooking some amazing food
which i couldnt eat coz i was full
arsearsearsearsearsearsearse
arse
sure we were old
but it wasnt the kinderverbotenfest that i had feared
lots of friendly people
not too much racism
a rather silly nuzeelunder being all earnest
why must they do that?
at least she got her comeuppance being attacked by a sensitive new age dave
a very sensible straight person got the crank at me for something super stupid
sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
as if i were that type!
vaffanculo
there were lots of yummy beers
some of which i gave away
the music didnt suck
but the blue gloop i kneeled in did
it farked up my trousers
like ive got so many that i can spare one..
mavaffa.....
still it was good fun
i met more people than i have done in ages
quite the tonic
now all i need is some gin

kylie threatens to sue...

who is sue?
is kylie going mad?

will marty go the same way as steve?

well now
a week or so ago a great man came to this one and half ass town
his name was steve
not a very imaginative name i know
but he didnt choose it
he is one of the greatest men to walk this earth
doling out wisdom, wit and cerebral entertainment wherever he treads
and hes done a lot of treading let me tell you
more than most mortals could possibly imagine
as far as i know he hasnt set fut on other planets
but thats just due to lack of opportunities
besides
so he came to town
he thrilled and spilled
apparently
he provided a sublime distraction from all this maya
on this mortal, why the hell is it called coil?
but he was forced to tears by the absence of a close friend
not the one he serenaded in hospital
now another great man
of the same ilk
will be in town this very night
his name is marty
another not particularly inspiring name
but another whos greatness is not limited to his physical presence
his influece can be felt from anywhere on this so called bloody coil
perhaps if nasa had any class they would send another probulator into deepest space
and put his imprint on it
(or steves)
or wind one of their ethereal cords around it
marty shall dazzle, enchant and enthrall this very night
beard his way to greatness
strum, rock, enchant and poeticize
blow small minds away

and yes he did....

melbourne international comedy festival-comprehensive review

marvellous festivus this micf
not to be confused with the miff
the biff or the riff
and especially not the whiff
as he is known in some parts
this years melbourne international comedy festivus took place last night
it happened in the fad gallery
on corrs lane
upside your head
you had to go into the err something bar
where i had been only once before
looking for red things
youve gotta go in and then around and then up
where you waittttttttttttta and look at paintings and photos
some of which are particularly saucy
this bloke who looked liked daniel kitson was hanging about
he looked so much like daniel kitson he was daniel kitson
we went upschtairs to the festivus
it consisted of bloke called nick sun
who played in this room full of chairs and some people
he was pretty funny
shouting and kicking over chairs
not making racist jokes
banging on about how tired he was
and how he had a strong coffee
we had a beer
one each.. we werent gay
my new best mate daniel kitson laughed a lot
and that was the melbourne international comedy festival
so bog off

the space race is over

some men got in a stick
it went up and up
up and well you know the rest
it was white
it was big
it went vroom
they went all the way there
just to come back
except it was all a phoney
they tricked everybody
they even tricked me
and i wasnt even born
clever fuckers
ronald raygun knew better
he was gonna put a big ole gun on the big old cheese disc
there was a point in here somehwere
yes...
in the shadow of the moon
sure it at the new the other night
dublin amazing
all these interviews with ex wotsits spacefellas that went to the moon
except the most famous one
veal farmschlong or somebody
wondefully shot by an english chappy
so it didnt have that all-american bullshit flag waving gnar gnar cringe bollocks about it
showed jayeffkay
who i think was that muppety english bloke who dances about with a godawful hat on
making some promise about doing marilyn manson before the steak gets cold
and despite the fact it was just a big penis competition it inspired all kinds of good things
people in different countries getting a rush out of it etc
and these spaceblokes
all so humble and intelligent
telling how it made them feel to see the earth so far away
so small, so fragile etc
some got a bit godbothery about it
but not in that shitey painful way
talk about the ultimate perspective
kind of like how i feel about travelling
but to the enffff degree
so many super groovy shots of space and rockets and the moon
dont stop cant stop the music
like billy i thought i could go to the moon
dammit

eat my brain, go insane

ooh look at the pretty pictures!
theres some all multicoloured of my brain
my brain!
eat my brain, go insane
from four different angles
fancy that
how much detail there is!
the wonders of modern technology!
all take a number and fucking marvel at it!
ooh, look again
theres a pictures of the groovacious new dogvis
in all her sweet glory
note the lovely golden tan rusty bits
the black muzzle
the skinny legs
my my lets all admire her bloody beauty!
how about some pix that i put up of the jesus and mary chain in full flight
note jim reids floppy fringe! not!
how about the spectacular lighting!
although i wasnt there it wasnt that different to last night
the wonders of fucking technology
vaffanculo

fish of april

mr 100 per cent
thats me
no knockers can knock that
no chinks in my armour
im perfect
not a fault to be seen
one from one
some kind of blogging behemoth of consistency
stand back and admire my work
quanilty not qualtity

what the hell is an ide?

some kind of fruit thats shaped like a crustacean?
a small rodent that lives in the briar patch?
that other space shuttle that blew up?
something that would cheer up murray?
a day of mourning in chile?
the technical name for beavis' hairball?
something to slam one upside the head?
a sport involving lots of "good'oh's"and "jolly'ho's"
the mystery of the artist explained?
a seated bhutanese banquet with a dozen courses?
the page at the back of the paper with the shit 'wanted' ads on it?
bog off

fucking stewwwwdents

the thththpanith shat
upstairs about pash or rash or something
on johnston street
apparently the ththhthtthh heartland of this place
i dont know how many ththththhs you need to make a heartland
4 or 5 it would seem
so its apt
not an appartment
room 3
third door on the right
mysteriously enough
tables in the trad U formation
named after the boat that went underwater
a whiteboard
some chairs
the usual guff
iliana is from me-hi-co somwhere near the centre
square glasses with black rims (ahem)
students include;
a double jehovis
not in the conventional sense
with a great smile and warm disposition
chocolate vanilla icemousse
an interesting concoction
from parigi but with a newtered accent
skinny dancing meditating queen
certainly not boring
blue book lady with 'partner'
struggles a bit, bless her
has a bloke who turned up
seems very nice
kept grinning at me
either wants to rip out my kidneys
touch my culo
or thinks im funny
if only it wasnt too bloody easy
easy enough to make my head explode
arses

compleanno, almeno mi sembrava

be, ce stato il mio compleanno
a dire la verita non e' stata un granche
ma almeno mi lo aspettevo cosi
visto che la maggiore parte dei miei amici ecc ecc
la roba famigliare era piuttosto piacevole
la sorellina ha fatto la roba buona da mangiare
e' veramente in gamba quella
poi, stanco sono tornato a casa con la zia
ho dormito un po
e sono arrivati un ubriaco e un non tanto ubriaca
l'ubriaco ha schiacciato un pisellino mentre noi due sparavamo delle cazzate li' fuori
blahdy blah
poi abbiamo beccato un taxi fino st kilda
e la meno ubriaco si e' realizzata di avere lasciato il portafolio nella taxi
doh
dopo qualche stronzata e' tornato il tipo e tutto era apposto
siamo entrati e trovato un po di spazio davanti al un bar
inanimate carbon rod
e tutto andava abbastanza bene
il gruppo e tex suonavano alla grande
poi...
le cose sono andati un po storto
siamo usciti per una cigaretta e un po di relax
noi uomini sparavamo delle cazzate e lei si sdraiava sul divano cosa
poi e' arrivato un scemo buttafuori che le ha svegliata e ordinato di uscire
abbiamo cercato di convincerlo ma lo stronzo non se ne fregava niente
D uomo poi ha chiamato il buttafuori un militia
e il tipo si e rotto i coglioni e fatta un faccia cercando una lotta
deficente di merda
quindi, siamo usiciti, scortati sempre dal bastardo aggressivo
sempre con un aria aggressiva come se sfidasse qualcuno
che palle
ho visto forse 45 minuti di il mar crudele
gnar

my pet thththth

i had a dog once
i taught him to attack when he heard the word thhthththth
then i called him thhththhththh
so whenever i was a walking down the calle and some bunghole said tthththth
theyd get a good savaging from old ththth
he'd jump on them
bite them
drool on them
gnash at them
tear their clathes
rip at their skin
and scratch up their pretty well manicured faces
that showed them!
it did cost me several hundred pesetas in broken tellies tho
sometimes i would be watching an almodovar film
and little thththt would kick off and beat up the telly and urinate all over it when he was done
despite the inconwenience this caused
i was secretly proud of my dogwois
sometimes he would get confused when a brazilian came to visit
and sort of snarl in a confused manner
but he's working on it
next step is to teach him to maul any catalonian that bangs on about how catalunya is not spain

the light blue drug

i dipped my toe in the light blue drug the other day
rather anxious all things considered
apart from a dabble here and there in essex
and the occasional splash and grab
i hadnt tried it for n'years
would it all end in tears?
tears in the time-space continuity box?
would it mess up my hairs?
it was a good day to tempt le fate
so i tried it on
it were nice and tranquil round the shooting gallery
i asked a few questions
trying not to look too stupid
saw the naked men and went for it
very bright out of doors
which is to be my pathway to oblivion?
err.. that one
in we off
head down
thumbs suck
push orf
doing that familiar right left arm combination
kind of like falling off a bike
except you dont get hurt
and who ever remembers how exactly to fall off a bike?
(somebody should write a book of instructions)
arrived at the end of the line
there was a wall
rest up
rest down
more down
like it so much i did it again
dont od man!
plenty of restages in between hits
and a big floating on a cloud of liquid sesh at the end
i grew wings
they still ache a bit today
especially if i do 'that'
gotta go back
get me some more of that stuff

all kinds of mayhem

what a weekend of mayhem
what great heat
just one other thing;
what are you talking about?

walking down via ravecca

walking down via ravecca - i swear i never had a key
no one ever stayed at home - i was just off the train
walking down via ravecca - swear i never had some credit
i was knackered some
looking and feeling like a bum

see press the buzzer, send a text and sigh
but theres no hope coz erik is high, oh no
and you feel buggered coz youve got a bus, a plane and two trains
and the fog is descending in your brain, oh no

from montpelier to a doorway in front of a pizzeria
its goddamm far
from the stronzo with a port view to the rats in the vicoli
It's not that far
to the maggot frozen slumped against his suitcase
its not that far
would you like to have a calling card?
i couldnt help you, even if id like to

Walking down via ravecca - i swear i had 3 sims
no i never rang no-one - useless without the funds
walking down via ravecca - swearing my head off
i was sending to go do in culos some
checking out the scum

when you get to the towers dont hope in vein
there'll be no vespa, give it up, oh yeah
the dressed up stronzi with the big posh coats
the ones who smiled
the ones defiled
the ones who wondered che cazzo?

from paolinos place to via ravecca
its not that far
from the beer in the fridge to my frozen legs
its not that far
to the maggot freezing near barbarossa
its not that far
would you like to know where the fuck he is?
i couldnt help you, even if id like to

within every citta and paese theres a via ravecca
frozen maggots for whom the phones not ringing
hungry maggots with only pence, bolivars and cents
slumped nowhere looking for a bench
so you slouch on back affecting nonchelance
getting a strange look by some overdressed ponce
bolivars and pence wont by that foccaccia
another half hour passes another 30 walk past ya
like having a 12 inch single of metropolis
but without a turntable to play this
the carabinieri wander down
do they ask a question, no you you arent brown
what to do? one wonders, drag the self off to mo?
what a nightmare and its so far to go
when you dont know the credit card pin
youre up shit creek and trying to grin

from piazza di ferrari to the blue stone pavings
its not that far
from the stoners round the corner to the dog crap
its not that far
to the maggot with the frozen legs
its not that far
would you like to know more
i can moan on if youd like me to

from mr mountains office to piazza dante
its not that far
from the fighe on the passegiata to the colombus' house
its not that far
to the grumpy maggot wondering what the fuck?
its not that far
i would like to see some stronzo
id biff him if youd like me to

outside no 10 sits a bemused maggot meek
his grip on reality is not as bent as the freak
its like a goddam bad joke
nearly as ugly as mr noke
its been an hour or two and he still cant escape
poverty, poor planning and crapness hold him like tape
without email, phone or text
what on earth to do next
you could see mr mountains, its not that far
one short drag and he might say belin
to the old stock exchange with bags et all
up the lift and around the round hall
its a shame to blag a fag, but you cant help yourself
thank fuck he hadnt gone home and has the map on the shelf
still aint got a girl
still aint got a girl
no, its not a stretch too far
not at all a stretch too far
he still aint got a girl

a pub crawl at one pub

how about that pub crawl then?
i went on it
i rode its bumpy track
i pulled on its reins
i blah blahd its metaphors
i could go on
but i simply cant be arsed
brain death and all that
on this pub crawl there were stops at;
lambsgo bar
and thats it
there was dan
who always bloody looks like simon bini
and is less insane
but is even more boring
that were zapp
who i stupidly didnt say hi to
coz i was too busy being cranky and complaining that everybody were boring turds
there was the horseface chick that beavis chatted up
not looking too horsey
til she opened her mouth
there was christian
such a good guy
just soooooooooo serious
and his chick
gone the dawgs
a couple from toulouse
the bloke being very friendly but couldnt understand why i like italy so much
i knew this bloke
his mother was french
his father was french
....
then the kids came over after hearing their names through the magic mirror on romper room
there was banquo, trevina, ravisshing and meat pie
banquo really is pretty figa
just off her fucking face
meat pie is quite chatty
but such a kid
trevina is such a dude
pity about her crap taste in blokes
ravisshing is well simply ravishing
way over my head
there was all kinds of excitement about housing
and a bouncy castle out the back
a sandpit full of cat excrement and some boiled lollies
lots of big noise ensued
dont know what i was thinking
just drank too much beer
and did my best
baileys and straight gin
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!