the planet................................arium

someone went to the planet
arium
it was fab
there were layback chairicles
spinning night skies
close up from bubbles trubblescope
pretty pictures and lots of sniggering at gaseous form, black holes, uranus and beavis
how silly are the constellations?
yeah those three stars look like a goat riding a dolphin wearing chain mail on a wednesday under the fleur de lys doesnt it?
the southern skies have rubbish constellations; the twisties packet and the the shrub
the resident astrofoologismist was fab, and very sexy in her green top
afterwards there was wine and yummy cheese nibblies
not a spot on cold chups tho..
this planet
arium can be found on the wrong side of the river
in spots
wood
which is nearby to foots
cray
miles away from elt
ham
though
there was no brainwashing
i didnt walk out planning on renaming all multi syllable suburbs
through force if necessary
imagine the chaos
if ringwood became ring
wood
or northcote became north
cote
or frankston became franks
ton
all inferno would break loose!
could you live in a city infested with such bastard offspring entities as;
mel
bourne,
gee
long,
black
burn,
el
wood,
haw,
thorn,

pres
ton,
carl
ton,
fitz
roy,
rich,
mond
and so on and blahdy blahdy bollock drops

Kev's barmitzvah orgy

it was a dark and not particularly stormy night
sleep wasnt playing footsies under the table
the party started early
maybe 4ish
a likely lady darkened a doorstep
a fleet of masturbikes drove up
one at a time
pounding ear drums and shaking foundations
and making those little insects a bit uptight
things turned to motorbike chat
i turned off
high trousers sneaked in the dooooor
and some ickle girl
it got rather smoky round these parts
and rather beery
enough of this, it was time to hightail it to the festy
it drizzled on your grande puffo
inside it were nice and warm
and toilets
after overenthusiastic seeking a booth was procured
and shoe phones were handed around to all
so we could play shoe phone in the booth parade
it wasnt quite what i had hoped for
but i had been hoping against hope
futile one might say
also arrivering were fellow workers from Kevs sheet metal carvery
a couple of dodgy repute
a sleeping giant from the midlands
and ron (no relation to the drink)
Beaver took his packaging away for short while
in search of some housing
only to arrive later with more kids than you could poke a 23 pronged kid poking stick at
and penis extension man
the false moustaches were a treat
the guitar heroics were... well
heroically up somebody's alley
Dr Whodunnit black graped everything that moved
the kids played pattycake pattycake
the pe man valiantly tried something on
maybe it was a moustache
the kids moved on to finger painting
but dropped their fingers in their drinks
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh said kid no.1
bwooooooooooo said kid no.2
bnaaaaaaaaaaaar said kid no.3 (not very convincingly)
PE man adjusted his new moustache
Mr Plastics pulled them apart and bought their silence with wowwwwie pops
the fantastic shouty family couldnt make it
but we all did our best in their absence
and then it became too much
so it was off to the prince of darkness
crossed legged, virgin baiting, goat worshipping
but they are gay!
cried a boner
aftershock upon aftershock
not really, it was much beerier
a long lost courier kestrel glided in most gracefully
but by this point they thought it was all over
and it might as well have been
ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah

should i wait or should i go... plink plink

with valued contributions from Lady chuckletrousers and Lord Whom...

wait;
i want to be around kez as much as possible
i want to kill dave cant do it from overseas
dont be an assmunch
pay off some debts
better weather
possibly cheaper airfare
better networking possibilities, time to sort stuff out
more possibilities of rooting them in the ear
another year older
being sensible
good chance of missing kezs bday
ems got a pad to crash at?
could catch Gab

go;
coz its my bag baby
immediate holiday
celebrate my money honey
i wont spend all on crap
get it out of the way
meet great new tortellini whilst still interested
get away from beavis soon
fuck off me
less chance of getting hypergonadism
would diet vitamin d thing fark it up?

conclusion-che cazzo ne so io?

she gives umm, if you go to her...

last year it was for flowers
this year its a massage voucher
from the 70's
they call him dr slaughter
i dont think thats a tough name
it was really good fun, it was hilarious
i just gave up and went fuck this
why did you need a photo
i can meet you somewhere in the middle
have i gone insane
there was an ad
im sure it was good
and i cant even find beavis'
highly creative and passionate designer
id rather shoot myself
i dont give a shit
she said... oh yeah
she loves to rub shit in
what is it with people
she knew jessie and jessie knew jacinda
his bullshit rubs off on her
try to pick something more original
he wont do anything to fix it
if i ever see him again
i heard that youre bananas
and anyone who sounds remotely interesting
noone ever asks about drugs
she was totally fucking confused
im constantly out at marathons
in darwin
slim pickings this week
and youve got all them nutty birds after you
that wasnt a girlfriend
you bunch of fuckers
you could actually write something on there
you bunch of fuckers
then it started to hurt
thats what happens i think
he had to come in here to get his bike from the garage
did you knock on the door
poor guy
he gets very crabby
i love the hair

a top notch high quality classy profound blog

not bloody likely

Ghengis the big saucepot

stolen from;
Sunday March 2, 2003
The Observer
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,906044,00.html

We owe it all to superstud Genghis

Warlord Khan has 16m male relatives alive now, says study

One in every 200 men alive today is a relative of Genghis Khan. An international team of geneticists has made the astonishing discovery that more than 16 million men in central Asia have the same male Y chromosome as the great Mongol leader.

It is a striking finding: a huge chunk of modern humanity can trace its origins to Khan's vigorous policy of claiming the most beautiful women captured during his merciless conquest.

'One thirteenth century Persian historian claimed that within a century of Khan's birth, his enthusiastic mating habits had created a lineage of more than 20,000 individuals,' said team leader Dr Chris Tyler-Smith. 'That now appears to account for around 8% of the men in central Asia.'

The team, from Britain, Italy, China and Uzbekistan, took tissue samples from 2,000 men from central Asia, and studied each one's Y chromosome, the genetic package that confers maleness and is passed only from father to son.

'Y chromosomes belonging to different men vary slightly. One in every 5,000 DNA units is not the same,' said Tyler-Smith. 'But when we looked at our results, we found a huge group that did not show any differences. We were absolutely amazed.'

One researcher, Tatiana Zerjal, even suggested they had found the genetic footprint of Khan. 'It was just a joke,' added Tyler-Smith. 'Then we began to look more closely at our results, and realised it was the only really feasible explanation for what we had found.'

First the team, whose results are published in the latest edition of the American Journal of Human Genetics, found the geographical spread of possessors of the chromosomes almost exactly matched that of Genghis's empire, which stretched from China to the Middle East. Then they discovered that all of these men shared a common ancestor. Again the answer was consistent with the march of Khan, who lived between 1162 and 1227.

'There are only two ways a single Y chromosome can make such a mark on a population,' Tyler-Smith said. 'The chromosome could in some way confer its owners with some biological advantage. But given that a Y chromosome is little more than a biochemical switch that turns an embryo into a male child, it is hard to see how it could have such an effect.

'The other explanation is that its original possessor had some incredible social advantage over other Y chromosome possessors, allowing its owner to pass it on, over and over again. Khan fits that bill perfectly. He had many wives, and was enthusiastic in his attentions to other women.

When Mongol armies attacked, their spoils were shared among the troops and officers, with one exception. The most beautiful women were reserved for Khan.

The study also sided with the Hazara people of northern Pakistan, whose claim to be direct descendants of Khan is derided by historians. It found the Hazaras' Y chromosomes were identical to those they had already linked to Khan.

'It is not the first time the oral tradition has been proved more reliable than academic treatise,' he added. 'It takes the power of genetics to prove it, however.'

repent

build your own mink sanctuary
stop ligging mine

gategategate

first there was watergate
then there came bungate
whitewatergate
irancontragate
too many bloody gates
followed quickly by stepneygate
portfoliofuckingate
even bloody toiletgate
sitrightdownandwhittleawayatmychairgate
whats with all this neglect of toilets?
toilets have feelings too you know
anybody going to go on about watertoilet?
profumotoilet
thebottomoftheharbourtoilet
archdukeferdinandtoilet
childrenoverboardtoilet
gatetoilet? - not bloody likely
it doesnt seem right to me
why should gates get all the bright lights and unfettered adoration?
strutting about like they own the place
but owing nothing to any particular skill or outstanding achievement
but they strut the world stage with shameless abandon
winking in their graceful gateish manner at the snapping cameras
as the sheepish masses dream that they too had been born a gate
but no...
does anyone lay awake at night wishing they were a toilet?
do young children bleat at their mothers demanding to know why they too can't be a toilet?
No, No and No
Equal rights for toilets now!

staring into the abysmal

it looks dark down there
kind of windy too
perhaps its just a gust or something
i cant make out the other side
nor the bottom
and whats that odour?
i dont believe in hell
so it cant be sulfur and hellfire
it does kind of smell sulfur like though
like some kind of year 9 experiment
overseen by some zealot of perversion
perhaps with a beard
perhaps with long shorts
and long socks
not that theres anything wrong with that...
i wonder what it feels like
that weightless, senseless feeling
hang on just a moment
i know that feeling
i wouldnt mind it again
but with the disclaimer that it couldnt possibly end
the bliss without reason
and beyond any termination
a gut wrenching, logic defying certainty
you force yourself to leap
but every cell is screaming NOOOOOOOOOo
you defy nature
instincts overidden
some kind of self preservation thing that is nigh on impossible to fight
but you defeat it
in desperation perhaps?
after all fight or flight has been around since dolphins were monkeys
ive never met any
perhaps ebabes was on something
more than likely
especially that thing about chopping off the hosties hands...
what brought that on?
did she ask you to turn off your mobbily or was she just american?
thatd be enuff for me
unless she was adrianne... che figa!
back to the pit and the master grave digger
who was that man
in the pit
that is i master grave digger
fuck its hard to have gravitas at times
perhaps there is no other side
perhaps there is not bottom
so
leap or turn back
but turn back to what exactly?
swivel to see a castle on a sunlight hill?
or maybe a desolate moonscape stretching into the perma gloom?
vision imperfect
not one that i made... mind
it might well be quite nice over yonder hillock
pillock
turn your shoulders to the gaping beckoning chasm
set your nose into the wind
and check out what really is over there
around that allegorical corner
beyond that metaphorical tumescence
now everything is lovely
a one and a two and a three and a four...

Big, gay Smithers.....

Moe: "...and I'm taking your favorite song out of the jukebox."
Homer: "'It's Raining Men?'"
Moe: "Yeah, not no more it ain't."
When a record thrown by Moe hits Smithers in the head, Smithers appears to get excited when he sees the record's title "It's raining Men."

When Burns is overcome with emotion, he tells Smithers that he loves him. Smithers replies, "The feeling is more than mutual, sir."

During the nuclear meltdown scare, Smithers makes Burns' last few moment on earth socially awkward by confessing his love for the old man. When Springfield Nuclear Power Plant is about to suffer catastrophic meltdown. Burns remarks "I guess there's nothing left but to kiss my sorry ass good-bye." Smithers asks, "May I, sir?"

When Burns asks Smithers what he thought if he started sniffing his crotch and slobbering all over him. Smithers replies, "If you did it, sir?"

When Burns fantasies about Marge, he asks Smithers about that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window. Smithers groans with pleasure, imagining Burns himself flying through his bedroom window. Smithers says, "You've been reading my wishbook, sir."

When Burns and Smithers attend the ballet, Burns says, "Bah! Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing!" To which, Smithers replies, "A little mincing would be nice."

When Lisa seeks Smithers for help in contacting the inventor of Malibu Stacey, Smithers gets the information from his home computer. When he turns the computer on, the computer screen shows a nude Burns that utters in broken English: "Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on."

In this episode, Smithers basically shows a lot of resentment towards Burns courting Marge's mother. When Burns asks for help in composing a love letter, Smithers recites "`Darling one, read my words and hear my heart speak of a love soft and undying: a love that will be with you always. Sincerely,' yatta, yatta, yatta." Burns asks how he thought it up so fast. Smithers cries, "I sent it to you on your birthday! [sob] Excuse me, I have something in my eye!"

Burns asks Smithers to take off his belt; Smithers replies, "with pleasure, sir."

Smithers is "caught on film" leaving a burlesque house. Burns demands an explanation; Smithers replies, "My parents insisted I give it a try."

Smithers is a little unsetted when Burns asks him if he was doing something gay. "You know, lighthearted, fancy-free, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town." Smithers replies, "Exactly, sir," followed by darting eyes.

In a restaurant Smithers discovers John, who is a homosexual, eating dinner with the Simpson family, and becomes upset.
Smithers: So this is your "sick mother"?
John: Don't do this to me, Waylon.

Smithers is head of the "Waylon Smithers Dancers" on "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour." Plus, he performs a slightly-altered version of Devo's "Whip It" while wearing a pair of very revealing chaps.

In Homer's gymnastics flashback, we see a young Smithers at a microphone saying, "Well, that's the end of the girls' floor exercises, now let's bring on the men!"

When Lisa's message-rocket breaks into Mr. Burns's office and lands in his suit, the old man tells Smithers he has "a rocket in my pocket." Waylon's knowing reply: "You don't have to tell me, sir."

During the "In the Navy" musical number, Smithers is seen dancing next to the Village People.

When Mr. Burns goes through his lunch, he comes across... "One jar of garlic pickles. No one will want to kiss me after these, eh Smithers?" "It's their loss, sir."

bastard, bastard, bastard universe

In your infinite ear

the klinsey report

have a blonde mullet
play for good teams-Samp
play for bad teams-Spurs
get loads of goals
dive like a swan with diving boots on
score a LOT
move to the united states of bollocks
manage the national team
get third
get happy
get out

what envil ordered for dessert

lashings of wilderbeest with pilchards woven into their beards
3 braised hammerhead sharks (heads stuffed with camel)
a dozen oxens in goat sauce
a nuclear family of woolly mammoths dipped in haggis juice
7 emporer penguins steamed in crab water
a school of swordfish suspended under goat dripping
roasted pterydactyls with dodo carpaccio
tasmian tiger steaks with bull ant paste
a single blue whale filled with cow intestines
the last auroch with a bad attitude
a 60 metre giant squid basted with baboon arse
17 highland cows with weaves
2 overfed saber toothed tigers with horse blood dipping sauce
a delightful brontosauras and diplodocus platter
3 camel trains with extra hoof
a shoal of dugongs rammed with caviar
146 geese, force fed to foie gras fever
4 sea lions with fluffy kitten noodles
silverback gorilla sausages
a horde of roast boars with neanderthal tricep pancakes
white rhino testes topped with sharks fin fingers
12 metric tonnes of wichety grubs, deep fried in lard
rat nipple chips
8 salt water crocodiles filled with tree kangaroo ears
10 toucans with earth worm coating
a mating pair of polars bears, stuffed with panda bears
one pack approximately of wolverines

and a cherry

i know better than you... so bog off

one night a motley crew went to a vegetarian restaurant in downtown St Pancreas
it was hard to get any good munch that wasn't secretly stuffed or laced with animal products
such was the indignation in all right minded members of the party that seating was re-arranged stealthily to resemble a yurt
'that'll show those backwards bastards' said one leading troublemaker
as she made some trouble
whether they were shown or not remains open to speculation
because a display of hands was held under the table
which didnt clarify all that much
except that there wasn't any chewing gum under said tables
with more than casaul righteousness they perused alain menu
how refreshing it is to be able to chooose something more than chips
said a vegan with square glasses
before banging on horribly about what a big wanker he was
it was easy for this lot feel pleased about their lives
the group agreed on the save the planet macrobiotic vegatarian feast
macrobiotic hommus for starters
with miso soup and tofu
bread made from only the best treated wild ryes
mains were lentils and kidney bean consomme
carrot souffle with lashings of soy cream and or yoghurt
braised pumpkin, stuffed with seeds and nuts
and a vegetable soup with quorn and nut cutlet steaks
ahhh what an ethical gourmet feast!
they gorged themselves and indulged in some organic wine
because they didnt abuse themselves in the world they live in...
conversation varied from the relative habitability of a geodesic dome
to the marvellous sacrifices made by snotty who lived in a tunnel under the motorway between bongford and slapmore
and the merits of marijuana grown in horse diahorrea as opposed to sloth stools...
remarkably, there was great accord
and then Envious Envil called for the dessert menu...

toxic vomit executives

they were rubbish

fugu me

it all was hairy
mainly the aurochs
a spider with an attitude
a few spiders without hats
some bogan milds
battery plains
all that bloody electricity talking bollocks
bloody arses
silly scamming greek men
without washing machines
I should have pointed something out
about which i didnt know a cazzo
what a fecking debacle
the first decade
i had no idea
as if i would have and idea
what am i
some kind of electricity smelling shoefearer?
vaffanculo
3 days of hours of silly blah blah
makepeace makeweight
then bokko!
everything is lovely again
no need for drillomaticus fantasticus
its all up and rosy cheeked dimishing daisy
super
thanks for asking
and all the flim flam and tiredness
dont ask the question of yourself
theres no point growing there
going out for gude times?
staying putt for the 13th green grass of holmes?
shilly was shallied
shimmies were shuddered
and its fucked up, up and awwwaaaaaaaayter
the swinging lantern of good fortune
one course banana
two course banana
three course banana
and so on bananas and bananas
dead fish
live rice
tempura in a soup of yummy sobers
beans of bread
soup of the day
dumplings of love
pretty colours and burning nostrils
a beverage
chief sitting green tea
honey money
and straaaaaaaaawerburried
a long list of wild animals basted for another day

all the greats...

Mr. Jolly: Listen, just because my surname is Jolly doesn't mean I am jolly all the fucking time!

Mr. Jolly: And no-one knows you're here?

Nicholas Parsons: Excuse me? Can I use your phone?
Mr. Jolly: Fuck off!
Nicholas Parsons: I'm Nicholas Parsons, can I...
Mr. Jolly: Fuck off!
Nicholas Parsons: I'm...
Mr. Jolly: I heard you the first time, I don't care if you're Bob fucking Monkhouse. Fuck off. Do I need to spell it out for you? F-U-C...

Dreamytime Escort: Let's play a game. I go out of the room... and then... I come back in. Have you got that? Right. I'll go first.

Dreamytime Escort, Dreamytime Escort: Escorts, bescorts - Come in if you're saucy!
Dreamytime Escort: Nicholas bloody Parsons!
Dreamytime Escort: Morning, Ralph, how's the cuddly-toy business?
Mr. Jolly: Who the fuck are you?
[pause, then quickly]
Mr. Jolly: Oh, right. It's lovely thanks.

Dreamytime Escort: Well, that's Fattie's money out of the window.
Dreamytime Escort: And Fattie.
Dreamytime Escort: Well, it was his own fault. When drunk you should never play "who
can jump out of the window the best."
Dreamytime Escort: Especially on the 18th floor.

Dreamytime Escort: Look, all I'm saying is you can't have an advert in the Times that says, "What are you doing this weekend, fancy getting drunk?" You have to put the telephone number!
Dreamytime Escort: But we know the telephone number!

Dreamytime Escort: We've got a booking! A Mr Yakimoto
Dreamytime Escort: Oh great, another French bastard.

Dreamytime Escort: What could be better than living above an off-license?
Dreamytime Escort: Living in one?
Dreamytime Escort: You're right. We need to become much more friendly with Heimi Henderson

Dreamytime Escort: It's not fair. I mean, what's Mr Jolly got that we haven't got?
Dreamytime Escort: Our Fairy Liquid.

Dreamytime Escort: One thousand, five hundred and seventy four gin and tonics please Monica.
Dreamytime Escort: LARGE ones.

Policeman: Are you drunk, sir?
Dreamytime Escort: Of course I am, I'm out of my bloody mind, I've just spent three thousand quid in there.

Dreamytime Escort: So, Nicholas. I suppose you spend most of your time opening supermarkets and heliports, these days.
Nicholas Parsons: Well, yes. You... You know how it is. As a matter of fact tomorrow I am opening an off-license.
Dreamytime Escort: [both Dreamytime Escorts stare at Nicholas] You're opening an off-license?
Nicholas Parsons: yes, an off-license.
Dreamytime Escort: GOD! Imagine being so important you can open an off-license!
Dreamytime Escort: And we're with him right now, aren't we Nicky baby?

Dreamytime Escort: Yes yes yes, it's a fantastic house, Nicholas. Now. Have you got any dirty films?
Nicholas Parsons: No!
Dreamytime Escort: You BASTARD!

non e' che ti dico una cazzata qualsiasi

sono stanco
non capisco piu il perche
il mio vocabulario mi sta abbandonando
semmai non bastasse la tastiera sbagliata
mi ero stufato di sbattere la testa contro quei libri
dov'e il relax?
io non ci poteva farne piu
le foibe, il rotazione degli ortiche, quel tipo che amava il duce
la poverta della campania, ma non si chiama campania
quindi ho cambiato idea
ho cambiato il modo di ragionare
infatti ho smesso di ragionare
sono cerchi infiniti
concentrichi
finche non smariscono nel orrizonte
sempre li'
li' nel mezzo
ooooooooooops
il cervello fuso che non sa piu reagire
ma vaffanculo

joey baby, didn't ever get crazy

Joey was a shining star
still might be too
she lived in a big house somewhere in boganlandia
and went to upway high school
for a fleeting moment she thought i looked like river phoenix
she was wrong
i just had a floppy blondeish fringe
and happened to be shouting in east ringwood
with skinny arms and a wonky union jack t
she decided i should be her deb partner
kind parents even paid for my dancing lessons
not my dancing booties tho
she was the tallest of all the birds
so we had to go first
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i sat on a train from heefmont to upweigh
a bit stoned
head leaning against the window
watching the trees and houses whizz by
some fresh faced kid showed up on the night
with a silly pony tail and a rented dinner luxedo
i saw a photo of him once
barely recognised the geezer
we had a trip in a limo
and the after party was at her parents place
she gave me a lovely girls blouse
with the buttons on the wrong side
i gave her something shiny
all rather surreal
she even took me for a ride on the motorbike
that was a first
she went with her friends to Joanna on the coast
said it was great
hanging out with melissa
who brokes flamin's heart and went out with tile
i got in trub for twanging her bra strap
and she had a wicked wicked temper
she offered me her tape of gold afternoon fix
for my burgeoning love
but we never really had that much to say to eachother

Wham Bam thanks a lot Man

so it showed up
i was surprised
she was surprised
he was surprised
well you get the picture....
the faintest of recollections
something about incoherence
flouncing into the light
couldnt be sure
but it makes the most sense
in this senseless debacle
the white knight
the bedtime story
the gaspers and their exile
the whining and dining
what does it say about us then?
not very many good things
thats what it says
the irresistable pull of the senses
stuffing ever more down gullets
the suspension of common sense
all in the name of more
more dammit
it doesnt bear thinking about
itd topple over
like a breast bearer
they sure have their work cut out
there was a lot of shocked faces
the crab pilot cashed in
gave some sound advice and pocketed the goods
surely it couldnt be!
there it was.
some lovely work by the beaver precision parking team
all i had to do was look at .... well you
stories had to be concocted
to tell the fuzz
to tell the scuzz
and to tell all in a salacious best seller
remarkable really

i've got that falling swingers sensation