fucking stewwwwdents

the thththpanith shat
upstairs about pash or rash or something
on johnston street
apparently the ththhthtthh heartland of this place
i dont know how many ththththhs you need to make a heartland
4 or 5 it would seem
so its apt
not an appartment
room 3
third door on the right
mysteriously enough
tables in the trad U formation
named after the boat that went underwater
a whiteboard
some chairs
the usual guff
iliana is from me-hi-co somwhere near the centre
square glasses with black rims (ahem)
students include;
a double jehovis
not in the conventional sense
with a great smile and warm disposition
chocolate vanilla icemousse
an interesting concoction
from parigi but with a newtered accent
skinny dancing meditating queen
certainly not boring
blue book lady with 'partner'
struggles a bit, bless her
has a bloke who turned up
seems very nice
kept grinning at me
either wants to rip out my kidneys
touch my culo
or thinks im funny
if only it wasnt too bloody easy
easy enough to make my head explode
arses

compleanno, almeno mi sembrava

be, ce stato il mio compleanno
a dire la verita non e' stata un granche
ma almeno mi lo aspettevo cosi
visto che la maggiore parte dei miei amici ecc ecc
la roba famigliare era piuttosto piacevole
la sorellina ha fatto la roba buona da mangiare
e' veramente in gamba quella
poi, stanco sono tornato a casa con la zia
ho dormito un po
e sono arrivati un ubriaco e un non tanto ubriaca
l'ubriaco ha schiacciato un pisellino mentre noi due sparavamo delle cazzate li' fuori
blahdy blah
poi abbiamo beccato un taxi fino st kilda
e la meno ubriaco si e' realizzata di avere lasciato il portafolio nella taxi
doh
dopo qualche stronzata e' tornato il tipo e tutto era apposto
siamo entrati e trovato un po di spazio davanti al un bar
inanimate carbon rod
e tutto andava abbastanza bene
il gruppo e tex suonavano alla grande
poi...
le cose sono andati un po storto
siamo usciti per una cigaretta e un po di relax
noi uomini sparavamo delle cazzate e lei si sdraiava sul divano cosa
poi e' arrivato un scemo buttafuori che le ha svegliata e ordinato di uscire
abbiamo cercato di convincerlo ma lo stronzo non se ne fregava niente
D uomo poi ha chiamato il buttafuori un militia
e il tipo si e rotto i coglioni e fatta un faccia cercando una lotta
deficente di merda
quindi, siamo usiciti, scortati sempre dal bastardo aggressivo
sempre con un aria aggressiva come se sfidasse qualcuno
che palle
ho visto forse 45 minuti di il mar crudele
gnar

my pet thththth

i had a dog once
i taught him to attack when he heard the word thhthththth
then i called him thhththhththh
so whenever i was a walking down the calle and some bunghole said tthththth
theyd get a good savaging from old ththth
he'd jump on them
bite them
drool on them
gnash at them
tear their clathes
rip at their skin
and scratch up their pretty well manicured faces
that showed them!
it did cost me several hundred pesetas in broken tellies tho
sometimes i would be watching an almodovar film
and little thththt would kick off and beat up the telly and urinate all over it when he was done
despite the inconwenience this caused
i was secretly proud of my dogwois
sometimes he would get confused when a brazilian came to visit
and sort of snarl in a confused manner
but he's working on it
next step is to teach him to maul any catalonian that bangs on about how catalunya is not spain

the light blue drug

i dipped my toe in the light blue drug the other day
rather anxious all things considered
apart from a dabble here and there in essex
and the occasional splash and grab
i hadnt tried it for n'years
would it all end in tears?
tears in the time-space continuity box?
would it mess up my hairs?
it was a good day to tempt le fate
so i tried it on
it were nice and tranquil round the shooting gallery
i asked a few questions
trying not to look too stupid
saw the naked men and went for it
very bright out of doors
which is to be my pathway to oblivion?
err.. that one
in we off
head down
thumbs suck
push orf
doing that familiar right left arm combination
kind of like falling off a bike
except you dont get hurt
and who ever remembers how exactly to fall off a bike?
(somebody should write a book of instructions)
arrived at the end of the line
there was a wall
rest up
rest down
more down
like it so much i did it again
dont od man!
plenty of restages in between hits
and a big floating on a cloud of liquid sesh at the end
i grew wings
they still ache a bit today
especially if i do 'that'
gotta go back
get me some more of that stuff

all kinds of mayhem

what a weekend of mayhem
what great heat
just one other thing;
what are you talking about?

walking down via ravecca

walking down via ravecca - i swear i never had a key
no one ever stayed at home - i was just off the train
walking down via ravecca - swear i never had some credit
i was knackered some
looking and feeling like a bum

see press the buzzer, send a text and sigh
but theres no hope coz erik is high, oh no
and you feel buggered coz youve got a bus, a plane and two trains
and the fog is descending in your brain, oh no

from montpelier to a doorway in front of a pizzeria
its goddamm far
from the stronzo with a port view to the rats in the vicoli
It's not that far
to the maggot frozen slumped against his suitcase
its not that far
would you like to have a calling card?
i couldnt help you, even if id like to

Walking down via ravecca - i swear i had 3 sims
no i never rang no-one - useless without the funds
walking down via ravecca - swearing my head off
i was sending to go do in culos some
checking out the scum

when you get to the towers dont hope in vein
there'll be no vespa, give it up, oh yeah
the dressed up stronzi with the big posh coats
the ones who smiled
the ones defiled
the ones who wondered che cazzo?

from paolinos place to via ravecca
its not that far
from the beer in the fridge to my frozen legs
its not that far
to the maggot freezing near barbarossa
its not that far
would you like to know where the fuck he is?
i couldnt help you, even if id like to

within every citta and paese theres a via ravecca
frozen maggots for whom the phones not ringing
hungry maggots with only pence, bolivars and cents
slumped nowhere looking for a bench
so you slouch on back affecting nonchelance
getting a strange look by some overdressed ponce
bolivars and pence wont by that foccaccia
another half hour passes another 30 walk past ya
like having a 12 inch single of metropolis
but without a turntable to play this
the carabinieri wander down
do they ask a question, no you you arent brown
what to do? one wonders, drag the self off to mo?
what a nightmare and its so far to go
when you dont know the credit card pin
youre up shit creek and trying to grin

from piazza di ferrari to the blue stone pavings
its not that far
from the stoners round the corner to the dog crap
its not that far
to the maggot with the frozen legs
its not that far
would you like to know more
i can moan on if youd like me to

from mr mountains office to piazza dante
its not that far
from the fighe on the passegiata to the colombus' house
its not that far
to the grumpy maggot wondering what the fuck?
its not that far
i would like to see some stronzo
id biff him if youd like me to

outside no 10 sits a bemused maggot meek
his grip on reality is not as bent as the freak
its like a goddam bad joke
nearly as ugly as mr noke
its been an hour or two and he still cant escape
poverty, poor planning and crapness hold him like tape
without email, phone or text
what on earth to do next
you could see mr mountains, its not that far
one short drag and he might say belin
to the old stock exchange with bags et all
up the lift and around the round hall
its a shame to blag a fag, but you cant help yourself
thank fuck he hadnt gone home and has the map on the shelf
still aint got a girl
still aint got a girl
no, its not a stretch too far
not at all a stretch too far
he still aint got a girl

a pub crawl at one pub

how about that pub crawl then?
i went on it
i rode its bumpy track
i pulled on its reins
i blah blahd its metaphors
i could go on
but i simply cant be arsed
brain death and all that
on this pub crawl there were stops at;
lambsgo bar
and thats it
there was dan
who always bloody looks like simon bini
and is less insane
but is even more boring
that were zapp
who i stupidly didnt say hi to
coz i was too busy being cranky and complaining that everybody were boring turds
there was the horseface chick that beavis chatted up
not looking too horsey
til she opened her mouth
there was christian
such a good guy
just soooooooooo serious
and his chick
gone the dawgs
a couple from toulouse
the bloke being very friendly but couldnt understand why i like italy so much
i knew this bloke
his mother was french
his father was french
....
then the kids came over after hearing their names through the magic mirror on romper room
there was banquo, trevina, ravisshing and meat pie
banquo really is pretty figa
just off her fucking face
meat pie is quite chatty
but such a kid
trevina is such a dude
pity about her crap taste in blokes
ravisshing is well simply ravishing
way over my head
there was all kinds of excitement about housing
and a bouncy castle out the back
a sandpit full of cat excrement and some boiled lollies
lots of big noise ensued
dont know what i was thinking
just drank too much beer
and did my best
baileys and straight gin
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

something went that way

the bumpy road in the taxi
on the wide motorway
the steamy night in a big plaza with small beer
the girls that served beer in the pool hall
with their tight purple trousers and white shirts
the buzz on the streets while eating a big meaty thing with butt
the bikers training going around and around los proceres
the confusion exiting the airport
vanessas little hair and jota
the traffic so bad a taxi wouldnt have you
the silly man with recorded sales pitch on bleating from his van
the little jumpy dog downstairs crapping on
pans labyrinth
endless ranting from endless channels by some political buffoon or another
bus tickets that cost 100 but really 90
the idiocy of queuing to enter public buildings
the sheer idiocy of having to by trousers to enter then not being able to find anywhere to put them on
vanessa wiggling away furiously telling me to keep up
simona making more arepas and chatering away at a million miles an hour
the new fabtastic rubbish trucks
the rubbish bin full of water, but when to use it?
stalls selling avocados on the street corner
big shopping centre straight out of mallvern
not so great ice creams
oscars parents with their stories reminiscent of rhodesia
the decaying university
big cups of cream with strawberrys in galipan
the chill with view of fog
buildings that stretch on for ever
or did i imagine that/

well, what did you expect, i mean, rally?

tom waits is banging on about his 16 shells
im currently reading a book about him
well, not really about him
but a collection of interviews and articles about him
he is a rally interesting bloke
bound to go off and make up a whole load of bollocks
which i quite admire
yeah rally
its called
err something to do with tom waits
and him making stuff up
...
been doing a bit of cycling of late
nothing epic mind
just a ssccchlerpf up to feetmounts
or a damblit over to the parky warky
or a slither down to the racist shops on smith street
or a hoopf up to the cinema (ORGO) to the theatre
my calves are having something to say about it
but it is great to be grooving around
with a back to front helmet on
and on a kiddies bike
with canary yellow bits
its like-
whhhhhhhhhhhay
or
whujopooooooooooooooo
or some other crap
this barlsy weather is just the most
just when its too cold to sit outside and drink beer
without 13 puffy jackets
it gets all peachy again
long live the peach farm
things seem to be moving
deep underground
and no im not just trying to outdo the brits
and no im not just making another arse joke
lets just hope it doesnt go over the torp
and large cracks open up
and swallow everything and everybody down
down down deeper and down
haaaaa!

must i pitch you a painter?

went for a roll today
twas too lovely a day to not
rolled down the road
rolled across the road
then got all excitable and caned off with the lights
its impossible not to
you just cant help yourself
you bonk rabbits
bad habits
just gotta get that momentum up
groovin with the traffic
cant fight that feeling
oooh ahhh baby waby
the faster you go
the better it is
and quite possibly the more counterproductive it is
finally arriving with burnage legs at feetmount
wandered about trying to think of things to do and buy
then rolled over to the parky warky
such a luffly sunshiney day and all that
trying to find a place to sdraiarmi
not that easy
loads of happy picknickers
i had no idea
i still have no idea
i thought i was onto to something rarebear
i will have no idea
chilled a bit winston
but the crappy prickly grass and the ants and the other shitty insects took their toll
three fitty
so i rolled back
the endorphins man
the endorphins
dont wanna miss the last bus from lavatory central...

sorry about the good times

yes i have been rather slack
things are coming to a hed
and now the film is about to start
its french you know
about a tache you know
how can i possibly divide my attention between that and this?
downright impossible
tis a pity though
i have some tales to tell
about taches to start with
about wine
about scratches
about mitres
about loud bands
about cranky me
about sad revelations
about films about nutters
and films about uber nerds
and and and
whole days passed in a daze
about camels riding high
about beavis sinking low
about about about
feeling kinda seedy
about sitting up straight on the back of the tram
about jack black
not flank tho
agggggggggggggggggj hes doing it
aghghgh im not paying attention

whats wrong with the world

i dont have a castle
it isnt on an island
where i would like to place it
there isnt any room for me to park my yacht
pronounced y-a-ch-t
in the marina round the back
theres no helipad that i can use to pop over to lovely fishing village to get a gelato
nor a tunnel with a trainage on it
no wing to host my parties in
no enormous kitchen for my cooks to come up with masterpieces
no other wing for the wenches
my formula one career isnt going great guns
just because i want it to
the strenuous training regime isnt reaping its benefits
but not because im slacking off
like i should be
my accountant isnt creaming money off the top
which wouldnt bother me coz im soo rich
my beautiful wife
carlotta
isnt wowing me everyday
and my scores of mistresses arent making it all just a bit more bearable
my amazing wine collection and posh top shelf liquors arent blocking up the hallways
despite their best attempts
my unseemly political meddlings arent bringing grief to the inbreds and thieves
berluschifo is quaking in fear of my next intervention
the church arent playing nightly in the ballroom
except for when i want another band to serenade during my mighty banquets
chirpy lou reed perhaps
my crazy big personal kick bottom personal jet isnt hopping over the stratosphere
or some sphere or other
and im not heading off to my chalet for a bit snow goat riding
with my good chums
woderwick and trec
bah humbug

sorry about that...

today somebody said sorry
not that horrid little maggoty man
oh no
thatd be too much then wouldnt it?
stronzo
it makes sense
and it had to happen
not that it stopped all the arseholes trying to fight it
to the bitter end
even in a moment of no return
the pricks were still fighting it
one arsehole read a magazine
another arsehole sulked in the background before walkin off
and the boss arsehole made a speech
pretending to give a shit
but still sticking in a few words in defence of the indefensible
they remain a pack of un reconstructed fascists
i am sorry
most decent people are sorry
except perhaps the ignorant ones
their time has passed
and hopefully their unpleasant little scumbag offspring will learn something
unlikely
but at least their numbers will diminish
decade by decade
all that damage done
even if it was with good intentions
needs nay deserves nay fucking merits nay
nay nay
an apple ohgy
tis one of the those days when it makes one proud to be an ostrayan
that hasnt happened for a good while
heres hopin it might be more forthcoming in the immediate future
cynicism begorrah bedevilled kidneystoneflatfootboat

racism and meat pies

somebody once told me that meat pies are the opposite to racism
frankie barbituates mentioned it behind the slavery shoppe
poor old frankie
he wasnt up to much
if only at the time i had realised the beauty that frankie held
i too believed he was racist
and his family
perhaps they had meat pies stashed in their bags
or between their papers
i didnt put them there
or even imagine they could be put there
but this whole racism thing has got my goat
taken it for a walk
and demanded that i be called saucepan
which it never, ever acceded to
what?
its all hysteria somebody once cried
i saw that fellow with his foot planted on the castle
it wasnt me crying out about it
is it posible that the bloke with the long dark legs was racist?
or did he have meat pies stashed somewhere?
or the lady with the left over underpants on her head?
oh she can just fuck off
whether shes racist or not
and as for those dildos with on their ears
that think that god bred them specially in a fishtank
they are diry racist fuckers
not to mention fools and bungsnappers
oh look
im a complete tossface
and i reckon god took a big grin at me
coz i married my cousin
you muppets
may a large bomb made out of meat pies
with or without cheese
shrooms
tomayytoes
boef
or vaffunculo juice
drop on your collective heads and obliterate you forever
meat pie dissing stronzi

SILMS

sudden instant lack of memory of syndrome
is what ive got
the distinct lack of posting makes it kind of noticeable
but it didnt work
it hasnt worked
and it wont work
truth be told it hasnt been very sudden
not the least instant
but the rest of it is quite apt
i dont quite know what happened
it only seems yesterday
was a song by some caved in nose dude
who then got shot
for unamerican activities
that i claimed to have my mojo back
it wasnt an empty claim
at least it didnt seem it at the time
i was all over the post over the blues blues
and ready to boldy go where the hell i had already been
with a modicum of enthusiasm
and at least with something perhaps to say
and then it all went away
and theres been nothing to say
well there might have been
but i wasnt there to say them
whatever that means
or meant at the time
but now im back on the bike
i hope that doesnt end of up being another empty claim
i guess only time will tell
i hope it doesnt tell too loudly
with stickers and pompoms and that
then id look pretty silly in front of all these people
me and errrrrrr..........
vive il grancio

bastard throat fest

my throat hurts
not just hurty wurty
it bloody fucking hurts
hurts when i talk
hurts when i laugh
hurts when i breathe
hurts bloody all the bloody time
cant eat
cant drink
cant shout or carry on
fuck this fucken throat

sir angus of the prrrrrrrrrrrooooon nite

sir angus of the prooooooooooon was a famous scots bloke
he wrote blurbs for the back of cereal packets
you know the ones..
'eat this and your head will become fat and jolly'
'crack o bites make your nob bigger'
'reconstituted dog shite contains no reconstituted dog shite'
'trust me or my name isnt sir angus of the prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooon'
made of bullshit etc etc
in honour of his first ever add for Hairy turd snacks
every year on a day
nobody particularly cares which one
everybody gets together and reads out something from the pack of cereal pack in a silly voice
they also eat big bowls of cereal
and drink mr lavatory's own sir angus of the alcoholic prune juice
everybody puts on silly clathes
and bangs on about their great aunt broomhilda who once met sir angus at wee bonnie rocky pointo
people listent to another old traditional music
including such classic hits as;
haggis mchaggis sings about his haggis
rod stewart tossing off his khyber
ronald mcdonald sings come let me fist ya, wee bairn
alex salmond singing we want the north sea oil back
and that bloke that bangs on about gogo mobiles seranades auntie aggie with ive got a motorbike jammed up my backside...

i am being forced against my will to write a blog - help

simon is frocing me to write this blog whilst he sweeps in the toilet and kitchen. he's tyring to be inspiring about what to write but it's unfortunately not helping.....hmmmm...... i'm hungry. the end.

the streets of your town

the other day i went that way
i saw a ramp and a lot of cars
i didnt see the trees they wanted to disintegrate
perhaps i was looking the wrong way
i do get a bit distracted sometimes
infatti, c'e uno scemo che mi chiama 'distratto'
stronzo
i saw where it all happens
what all the fuss was about
an australian bethlehem if you like
except bethlehem can go fuck itself
its probably on stolen land by now
i went through a green parkage bit
with dodgy chaps hanging around a bbq
one of them seemed to be looking for something down the front of his trousers
mysteries abound
there was all of a sudden some kiddly piddly play thing
that i swear wasnt there a couple of weeks back
sure i was drunk
but i didnt walk through any fences
i can assure you of that
i sussed the laneage
and divined that maybe he had a point
then bricked it home.

think that was good?
you sad fook
well it gets even more thrillingly riveting
the following day i headed off into the sunset
its sets in the east doesnt it
saw some luvvelry plaices
all treeswy weeswy and that
sweet ickle porches or whatever they are called
i went that way and saw a familiar car going the other way
upon my return i did point out to said car
that its frontage wasnt exactly picturesque
i got called a fibber
by a bloody car ....
no wonder the world is coming to a salty ending
blah blah blah
the machines are rebelling
blah blah blah
technofear

even more baffled by that epppp?
nob end

yet another day i headed off into the errr alba
strictly speaking thats an enourmous fucking lie
but i dont speak strictly
or strickly either
if you cant enunciate properly
eeejiot
off i went
to explore the hitherto unknown realms of cecil west
sounds a bit gay doesnt it?
's alright i guess
a little skinny cat that wasnt called lionel
apparently
a bloke and a lady
that may or may not have been a couple
im not one to assume
i played chicken with a tram at 30 paces
by going in other direction completely
i cant seem to walk without being swamped by well or evil wishers
not one soul (err, dont believe in them either)
not one fish was oblvious to me
all magnetically drawn from whatever task was at hand
to stare, hate, admire, gawp, drool and ponder
luckily im rather easy going
phgggffffffffffffschnort

fleeting inspiration

yep
there it goes...

which was nice

theres nothing to eat in this town
except the mexican i had the other night
that happened to be really bueno
there was arturo
there were the chicky birds that served
a cool chick from cile
who spoke great thththth
not very surprisingly
and an osstraylian bird who lived in guadalajara
but didnt know the bit of town which i made up
and is really near san fransisco en los estado unidos
anyways
twas the real deal
i got to bang on a bit in ththththth
which was nice
drank daisies
had fajitas with mas chili
which spiced it up a beet
lots of groovy decorations
masks and comedy little wall hangings
and a farmacia on the wall
with the kleptomania potion was stolen!
another time i had nihon food
with real nihon jin waitresses
i love nihon waitresses
delightfully presented food too
which was nice
a leetle boat of sushi and sashimi
then a big plate of various hot things
and a huge seafood hotpottage thing
which melted me
and green tea ice cream...
not to mention the time not that long ago when i munched vietnamete food
a million ricepaper rolls
filled with flamin galahs
and other things
which were nice
a salady noodly delight and other gudies
not to mention the other night when i had afghan food
which looked suspiciously like indian-pakistani food
yummy meet and groovy dishes full of spicy things
particukularly the spinach
it could have been better tho
which was not completely nice
qorma and the like
then i had some nihon food
different mind you
but equally fabulicious
in fact maybe even better
more lovely nihon jin waitress birds
i love nihon jin waitress birds
this one was very cute too...
delish kirin beer
and lots of eggplant and parcelly things
which was nice
twas great to see the popstar again
which was really nice

i wish there something to eat in this town...

scanvis and the outlagger

oh bloody arse
im soooooooooo sick of scanning photos and negatives
it seems ive done nothing else for the last couple of weeks
at this point in time ive done over 1300
fucking arse
dont get me wrong....
la lallalalalala
its a huge boon
and afterwards the look fab up their on the sliver screen
but its such a pain in the arse to do
especially the negatives
especially the curly wurly wubbity ones
they are so finicky and shitty they make one want to smash things around the place
luckily im such a mild mannered fellow
so gentle of tongue
and never leapstering into a punk fut
yar its looking gude tho
a gazillion towns in a quarter gazillion countries
in a big few continents
with shedloads of sheds
animals
natural features
waterfalls, mountains and lakes
lots of man made thungs too
pyramids, towers, castle, palaces, barricades threats meeet something
people of all kinds of skinnage
that spake many a language
old, young, male, female, smelly and clean
i guess i must have seen all those things with my eyes then
remarckstable

wish i had something interesting to say....

revenge of the metal dancing thingy

i did it again
i went to the potty
like a big boy now
after that i went out
twas dublin hot
hotter than can be called reasonable
got a crab driven by a bloke from ethiopia
who was most amazed i knew anything about his country except that there was a famine.
hah, bloody clever trousers now arent i
invaded by italians
who promptly managed to fuck it up
large surprise
the only country in africa not to be colonised
about hailsalesse and all that biz
the source of the blue nile
the soldiers in somalia
the secession and war of eritea
the whole semtic biz
blahblahblah
we had a good old chat
but he did say one thing that i found odd
he reckons ethiopia is now rubbish coz it wasnt colonised
thats a bit confusing
maybe he had a point
if i was ethiopian id be well proud of not being colonised....

the metal dancing again
yawn
bloody boring
more stabbing glow in the dark nads
and sitting about being bored witless
or is that shitless
ho hum
but this time i got to a test
to make my brain work
clicking on mousey mousey
text and colours and all that
very frustrating and made me feel really thick
dammit
then the robot mating dance again
strangely relaxing really
maybe i will pick one up for the bedroom
im sure they dont cost much
makes your neck go all warm
and off it goes
taking ickle pickies of yer brain
while ladies swan in and out
greek doctors
whats that you say, a greek doctor?
i learned the difference between a radiologist and a radiographer
ho hum
i need to get out more

now bowies got bird banging on in japanese and my foot hurts
funny that...

strange metal mating dance above my hedd

i dont talk to instruments
thatd just be plain daft
i caught a yellow crab the other day
and i didnt end up in a river full of toxins
so bloody hah to vosotros
pig lovers and all
i got out of the crab
and went and sat down
in a strange land called mullbern
dont know what they wanted
twas all rather surreal to me
apparently it was a good idea
i sat and blat for a bit
and a kind lady asked how my baby was
i replied that i wasnt sure
but i imagined quite well
thanks
she didnt believe me that i didnt have a baby
bizzzarro
they took me off to a room
i talked too much
and ACCIDENTALLY gave false information
then they stabbed me
walked out and turned down the lights!
i sat there for 15 mins
wishing that i could meditate
i thought about people
about dreams
about phone conversations
real and imagined
friends that are too far away
how sunny it was outside
and about 18999 things
all in the first minute
it was pretty boring really
i wondered what my bike was doing
eventually one lady came in
she didnt say a word and put some isotopes in my holy arm
they kind of tickled and were chilly
i wonder how chilly and ticklish it would have been to have been at chernobyl that day
another 15 dragged on awfully
i thought of all kinds of things
mostly the ones that i should have done
but ive been putting off
or those that stood in the road ahead of me
like some scary grown up obligation monster
that 15 mins really slurmed its way away
then they both came in...
took out my stabbage and sent me off to the waiting room
to sit 'quietly'
i felt like a naughty schoolkid
which i may well be
i wandered if being quiet allowed me to flick thru the quality mags there
i supposed not
i might have got all excitable reading time
and got my crank on and ruined all the pretty pictures
that was 39 mins
belach
at last it was ooova
they lead me back in and lay me down on this big arsed machine
well it had more of a big head
than a big arse
it danced around my head
for another half an hour
in a strange robotic mating dance
the left plate thingy would shudder a little
the right would do exactly the same
the left plate thingy would slide down a few cms
the right plate thingy would slide up some
and so on
i tried to sleep
fuck this is a riveting story
BUT IT DIDNT
IT DRAGGED ON INTERMINABLY
JUST LIKE THIS BLOG
SO FUCK OFF

and a merry new footrub

before it fades away
best document if that is the right word, the turning of the year
there was a bbq slash axl partaaay here at shat-oh-beavuoirvis
was good and all
there was kev and drave
then there was gaz
we played a bored game which got us all a bit bawd
e
then there was murray
who brought along drew
another refugee from the badlands of paisley
fresh off the boat
jehovis showed her pretty face
sandra flowed on by
damien shooobitted himself on thru
as enigmatically as ever
with 2 frenz in toe
that bird that was at merrydeath last year
the other last year
the one that still seems like last year
and some bloke who spoke a foreign tongue
won that i know ravver well
much to my delightvus
we munched and drank and schmoked
spoke about some things
i imagine
then it were orf down the road
about 50 metres in fact
to the parco where they hav a parti
apparently da sempre
tis only my second coming
lots and lots of people
lots and lots of legs
lots and lots of bung people
some fireworks
and big noise
i didnt get up to much really
wasnt feeling that fabbo
altho i did my best
with bourbon and punch and beer
did a fair bit of sititng around
chatting with peoples
lots of blethering in the language of the speschial ones
peeple came and went
the year came and went
some arbitrary fucking numbers
thats okay with me tho
the eskii took a butt belting
i naughtily played with shoes
that i shouldnt have
and put on my straightest of faces
when the trub came to town
the jolly brothers went into the mix looking for the chemical brothers
jehovah kept going missing
just like a god....
dave was on gude form
some good folk barraged a man from far away in fluent swearitaliano
that was cool
came back to the hoose
kez was flopsied
sat round a beet
some jocular people brought out the tekila
bleaghghhg
no really
back to the park
some more of the same
damien called me some more names
hmmmm
chatted with a lady with nice teef
back to hoose perhaps
jehovis was found
paler than a stack of meat pies
beavis was a bounding
on fine fiery form
we had the best at the party
singing and dancing to the weensters
perhaps a beets earlier...
coming and going
outside dreenking and smoking
inside lounging and snoffing
never done that before
and repeat...
apparently some eediot managed to set fire to the back fence at 5am
how maggoty is that
alls well that ends well
alls well when surrouned my gude people...

beavis has an arty cupboard

dorme di la'
spero che dorme bene
che fa sogni pacifici
cosa fa la' non lo so
ma ne posso imaginare
eccome
meglio di no
sarebbe un' altra sprecata di energia
o uno spreco
ma dorme di la'
fuori del mio mondo
ci devono essere dozzine di questi tipi
di offerte
di speranze
di inutili fantasie
e' per quello che non posso farcelo piu
e' troppo facile cadere in quella trappola
anche senza parole esatte
fara freddo di la'
io ci sono stato
degli anni fa
non e' che mi lo ricordo piu di tanto
qualche immagino e' rimasto
un paio di emozioni
sembra che sia stato un altro
pero ho sempre la prova
un' altra fantasia
fanno male queste cose
te lo posso giurare
non so quella che pensa
sono stato invitato fino ad un certo punto in quel mondo
e' sono rimasto incastrato
senza via di scampo
be, non e' la verita completa
ci sono ancora
mi sembra un mondo confuso
ma un mondo meraviglioso lo stesso
dove vorrei tanto restare e esplorare
mi pare che potrei fare tanto bene
il tocco leggero e le parole giuste
mi rende triste che dorme di la'
cosi' lontano
nel tempo e nello spazio
non sto male qua
non sogno di essere la
a lottare, a imprecare e piangere
vedrai il mondo piu bello
troverai un felicita finora sconosciuta
la pace, la tranquillita e la contentita
ti aspettano
con le braccia apperte
ma aspetta...
e' la fanatsia che torna
come un vecchio amico che non mi va di sentire piu
ma dorme la' ugualmente
mi chiedo che succede di la'
nel cervello
da dove viengono queste umori
la tristezza e la lacuna di pace
da un quasi paradiso
sarebbe il luogo dei miei sogni
io potrei dormire di la'

the wife and i thank you very much...

we had the best time at your party
but its kind of hard to comment right now
coz i cant see the end of my foot
i know its down there somewhere
there was no lollipops
there was no wizz fizz
or barbituates
come to think of it i dont even know what barbituates are...

la fantasia no ce l'ho piu

i lost my imagination
oh dear
i must have put it down somewhere when the phone rang
or something of the like
no
thats not right
some people of big imaginations
that fill up the room like a herd of antelope
rubbing their tusks against the fireplace
some people have ickle ones
that you have to look very close to make out
like a mirrors reflection of the sun on the ceiling
on a splendido giorno
or even a serene one
and then there are those that dont have em at all
way too many of those for my liking around these days
its those fuckers that make the world a shitty shitty place
wars and the like

my imagination was always a fairly healthy size
sometimes inflating itself beyond all reasaonble size
and beyonds its realistic limits
then you could see the holes in it
peter pan you might say
never had no wings butt
put it away

so it fell out somewhere
i hope it wasnt when i was hanging out on a caddle grid
or a street drain
then i will never find the bugger again
usually it finds me
lucky really
considering how senile i can be
it could be in a jacket pocket
or a trouser leg or some such rot
or a bloody salvagente lining
not to be rediscovered until winter in 2010
sounds pretty far away unless you actually think about it
someone might have call the hoodoo guru singer and let him know about it being at hand

so the imagination
perhaps it got sick of the lack of affection and upped and left
thatd be a shit
but it might just serve me right
heres hoping its just sulking out on the street somewhere
and its a warning
i have neglected it
that much is true
its been pretty much unloved for many moons
lazy brain cant be farked

i dont think i could afford another
i wouldnt even know where to begin looking for one
or being one
plus
i suspect you cant get replacements
i reckon you get one and its up to you to make the most of it
so the lepers with none are stuck without for their entire sad lives
wankers
and sad fuckers who rot their brains with drugs of various kinds and kill theirs
well they too are todgered

well fancy fucking that
ive just come up with a whole load of bollocks
and i didnt even have to think about it for second
it came to me a like a cascade of....
never mind
HA.... its back
suck my munch mondo cattivo

her first screen test

its been a long time between drinks
no thats not right
no i never had a script
oh croak this
harsh times come to thee no more

happy christmas

hi all,
so here we are - its Christmas!
we are here is ringwood, Victoria, Australia.
its a leafy green suburb.
there is the tinkling of the piano keys being made by a cousins girlfriend who i haven't met before.
there is food in the fridge and on the benches that is waiting to be eaten by us hungry relatives.
i am hungry as i worked out the food for lunch, but didn't quiet get around to eating breakfast. little lucy had breakfast - kiwi and rice porridge - but not i.
so i am looking forward to try the portugese style chicken that was cooked in the weber last night.
many hugs,
Lisa.

no, rally

id stop the world and melt for you...

underwhelmed blog

ohhh i had so much to tell
so many tales of far orf lunatics
of different languages
different faces
big water and mountains and bleaches and thththth
of moving, keep on moving
of precious time spent with darling muppets
of hearts exploding with expectation
of transport
more fucking transport
of funny faces and accents
of a community in a few streets on the other side
of a whole load of stuff
....
i had an itchy foot before

flatpack lifestart kit

nobody is talking about mary
we are talking about marydeath
that lady that was never there...
a clean break between passst and present
flesh singed and perfect scarring achieved
perhaps its better that way
tho it doesnt make it less fastidious
or spezza cuore
that doesnt look right
a type of angoscia that is strictly personal
experiences vissute with gente adorata
meh and beh
but thats over there now
in the land of the past
a particularly rich land in this case
its got more inhabitants, colours and odours than most pasts
heres a line drawn under it
pity i dont really wish to...
__________________________________________________________________

brave new world
a view of a green tree
horses for corses
new improved everything
no daunting tasks ahead
only exciting challenges one can rise to like a rising challenge machine
huzzzfuckingahhhh
___________________________________________________________________

marydeth
wot?
massive achievement in backage pagging
despoiled by forgetting everything
surrealist woman blues
strange familiar faces
drivin drivin
there you go
queuing queuing
camping etc
drinking smoking way too much
goto megadromedome
get fed up and way too blahah
wander off and stagger lee
cant find it at all
go to bed
muppet.
day 2
rested a tad
breadheads in town
setting orf for the long long very long engagement
tsalright the
berntastic stretching out in all his blue tape glory
the song remained the same
black lips or something
some dude from kinston winston mun
didnt rock beavis boat
art brut were good
but kind of just missed the finishing touche
i dont know
anddddddddddddd

non e' nemmeno un reipilogo

errr che cazzo succede ?
dopo il volo fino a sydney, con tanto ma tanto spazio...
ero fuori come una decina di balconi
cazzeggiare per l'aeroporto
ho deciso di dichiarare la mandibola della piranha
ma ho domenticato la mela e il pannino
doh!
mi hanno rotto le palle pero fortunatamente ho fatto un bel impersonazione di uno stupido
e mi hanno perdonato senza multarmi
fewwwww
poi il volo di carntarse a melby
madonna che schifo che fa la cantarse
e poi eccoci a 'casa'
un viaggio breve con la signorina allo studio
un studio vuoto e un po triste
poi a fruttidelmare tuckerbag a vedere l'ex casa di chiv?
il cervello e' ormai fuso completamente e trovo molto difficile il dovere di communicare
poi al jeff pattison licksarse
nel palazzo... quante e' grande.
un po di relax e un po da bere
piu di un po
e il giorno prox facciamo il trasloco in una nebbia grande
fino a fitzbeavis...
che cazzo...?

jet slag and meeting george, like fuck...

a wussy little pygmy building that was greatly honoured san that i visited....



..................................................................................................................................................................
some things happened
of great consequence
no doubt
but my brain is insane in the members end brane
it is 8.33 pm
and you are reading taipei airport
at least thats the time here in taipei
if you are reading this in equatorial guinea
well go suck my socks
i dont know what time it is...
what a day
see my vest
left lauralandia with little sleep and some hangover for 7thurthy ish
metro from place of the gold medals
who won them and wot for?
annuva metro from museo which is only slightly called museo
except when its called cavour
not cavour
what the fufufuufu?
got my tickety boo from remarkably non 3rd world machine
painlessly except for the one pain in my brain that remains unchanged
and the fact that some nuff nuff put the cards in backwards
got the highspeed tav funkotronic is it really worth the exccschtra 14 euro trainage to rrroma
thats alright then
then hopped onto the goattrain to fiumicino
at least thats what i think happened
seems too long ago now
theres goes a plane thundering down runnyway
played where the fuck is the bancone game
lots of others played too
but they were all shit at it
found out they spelled my name all rong
spelled it f-a-r-t-k-n-u-c-k-e-r
twats
got my train
got all emotional about leaving the promising land
dull long slow thud there
and we're off
happy to score 2 seats
happy to choose mooofies
chose simpsons finalfuckingmente
not bad, if only my hed wasnt doing itself in
ate
did that some more
slept
a movie about some chick called dawn who rescued vietnam
eat, sleep, wotch film, that drill
booted off at bangers
collect great stash of duty free booze
only to discover worm man has cancelled it
fucking little cunt
dodgy fags for suzzzzzzie queueueueue
do the lap for no reason and were off again after not watching buddhist chat shows
looooadsa room on planeage
stretch me out and have 4 of those spanx very much
eat, wotch, snooze and drool
and its tiepay time
moan
waste time before going on half day siteseeing trip with ovver gringoes
v cool guide dude suspiciously called scott or something
who aint a big fan of japanese people
and is a big fan of the changerator
ends up being very cool and i dont drop dead from jet slag
see a buddhist crowded temply jobbie
see the prezzs house that apparently looks like hamsterdam station
boh
see temple for the ded people who died making war to save the world from war
saw the we really really really love chang kai shek building
photes of changers on the lavatory
changers brushing his moe
changers mincing his way down carnaby street with joanna luvly
changers just being famous
ooops another plane beasts off down the runway
changs car
changs other car
you get the pitcher
then get dropped near the worlds biggest building
or tallest shortcake
its dublin huuuuuge
go up and and up up and and
amazing fast lift
greeeeted by prettty girls with antlers
do an hour of hard time with guided tour thing and looking at stuff thinking that i shouldve eaten
really pretty bluddy spesh
big too
with a big gold nad in the middle
got the farsted lift
the tallest inhabited something
the tallest office thing
the tallest pile of cheese sticks
whooosh goes another planeage
its all action today with big ron hair
opt out of the pretty crystally tower thing
i love pretty crystally thing vand get the super cheesy fat bastard pretending to blow up the builiding fote
no, neither do i
look just fuck off i woz tired
in the end opt out
go down down down
food court full of amazing munch and 300 silly dollars scorchiong a whole in my bucket
eat it
then orf to find airbus or something
find it
mysteriously meet half my little tour groupage on it
chatting with couple from brisvegas
few types from slovenia
and im back at taipei hairport struggling to stay sane and awake
only another hour and a half to go ....
then more bloody
another plane cruises by this time
maybe he missed a gear
and stalled an automatic
how about that lll
sigh very fucking profondo

if youre out there george...
youre shit and you know you are...

si, si nicholas e' una casa meravigliosa....

i wish to point out the following;
no sleep til bristol
buses and buses and buses to brisvegas airport
no, i dont have any liquids
except those ones there
sorry about that... again
flight to orio al serio... otherwise known as bergamo or milan bergamo
what a load of bollacks
i could see bergamo alto from the train
made me all sooky for the ilaria daze
cruised past dalmine on the autostrada
train to genova from milano centrale
texts stronzuomo saying i will be there around 7
no answer, no interest
arrive and spend 2nd last euro to get the toy train from principe to sarzano
stroke of genoese brilliance no.1-take 30 years to build a shitful little metro line
have a stop at one of the main stations, which cooincidentallyh is underground
but whatever you do, dont join the underground main station to the underground metro station
make the suckers walk up and out and up and out and around and for fucking miles to then go down down deeper and down
fucking eeejiots
communque
finally arrive at casa stronzo.. but theres no answer to the doooooh
sitting in via ravecca passing time
got not credit left on italian fone
got not credit left on uk fone
cant contact anybody
got no euros
got no money in bank account
only money is on credit card, but i dont have a bloody pun
cant get no credit man
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
in the end make a dash for the office of mr mountains and the beauty of his shock when i wombat into the office
good old life saving mr mountains... long may he diatribe
____________________________________________________________________
in genova there was erik
he was off his face
lovesick and not little squilibrato
his shower was green
the hot water was a trial to achieve
duck your head and turn the yellow knobs
paolino is loving his new music collection
in his luffly house with a view of campo pisano over the porto.. sort of
marco is on form
marco is always on form
marghe is on super form... tales of tall and true
mr mountains is barking
barking, woof woof, rock n roll
unibank credito in via dante is a merda
passed 4 hours waiting for service
mentolocale is still doing apertivi
still asking too much money
money runny nose
monica is there
hello monica is there
quanto sei simpatica....

________________________________________________________________

napoli-
arrive in a weary old state
too cold or not too cold
sit up a drinking with lovely laura
talking and chiacchierando
tutti e both
next day is rest day
feeling not too energetic
another evening of drinking and smoking
watching fillums and talking bollocks with l and antonella
also chat with housmates, err him, him and her... and friendly paco perbacco
day 3 and was a day of gringoism
walking tour of old napolitown
really very lovely
fantastic streets rammed with people
the presepe streets
the that street
lots of interesting stuff to do and see
and all the more appealing with a charming hostess
find a funky prez for the sorellina
try the babA, try the sfogliatella...
ooh that babA is sooaaaked in rhum not ron
gotta do it man, im napoletano now
both delightfully delishvous
the presepi are amazingly intricate
pity they are based upon lies and propoganda
look at jewellery shoppes and snaffle a ring and a post nasal stabbage
lovely l buys the ring for me
what a kind being...
wander down by the piazza del popolo
the palazzo reale
and some pitchas down by the watttta
it was really lovely
fresh but not too cold
the sun did show and make it all fancy dancy
back to vomito and walking about looking for a gnarli rad shop
we find after many moons but its closssssssssssed
back for a chill winston
then its orf again around vomito looking for gnarli rads, sleeping pills and train tix
no joy there
in the end plump for change of idea and herbal slippages
decide to drop into gs rip off market and buy years supply of stuff at an exorbitant prices
lovely l is not a happy bunny
back to herr place, trying desperately to sort train tix online
but the trenitalia site is a mare
in any language
hoping against hope my cc hasnt been frozen following email
after seemingly hours of stress its all done
and im very happy
guests show up and i get to play tropical fush
dont see much of the hostess
which is a pity
eating napolitan pizzas
like they should be done
drinking beers and wotnot else
passing spliffs and playing a silly board game called taboooooooooo
kind of unfair on rusty non mother tongue speakers
so i just swear a lot
followed by sleepless in neaples...

high hoe, high hoe

its off to napolilandia i go....

thrills mills and smellybakes

a blur of a brisvegas
a weekend of giggles and more giggles
highlighted by saturday night right
a few casual drinkies and yummy munchies at ems
the people flowed
i ebbed
and we are off and racing in a phlange
to the mingers arms
its cold and dark on the firm streets of brisvegas
doon and doon we go
feeling a bit weirdy
go sit that way
then find a room with people in it innit
theres smelly shelley
she isnt really that smelly and very lovely
new and strawberry matt
some other fresh faced chap
some rather dull bloke who turns out to be the friend of twat
not a big suprise that
a hairy christian is found with his laydee
faisel the popular
and some more thangs
a big phat pint of hooooooooooergarten
catherine is falling down all over the shop
convinced we need to hijack a taxi
then off to the prince of whales
not that one
or that one
or maybe it wasnt
we wandered through a dodgy park
someone went missing
chris had no feeer
odd place that
downstairs, bowling thang, upstairs and outstairs
chatting and blahing all over the various stairs
quite fun that
except the twats didnae wanner serve me after dung bell ringing time
ive been waiting here 10 minutes i said
no you havent barnob says
yes i bloody have i said
then its orf back to party hearty at georgelandia
ragtag bunch of tagrags and toerags
and we are off and racing in 15 or so
martin on spliff duty
catherine on crazy saucy dancing with flowers
juicy and em helping out
chris on spliff duty
faisel on baby shaking duty
everybody on various drinking duty
and many more grates
then a large twat showed up, matt the following
he sooked and was shit until sooking at em for having a life
then ringing and abusing people and leaving unpleasant messages
what an enormous act of fuckwittery
even for that enormous fuckwit
fortunately nobody particularly cared
too busy good timeing
singing dancing spliffing boozing pilling and grinning like big bad muppets
taking photos in the extreme
til at least 4
i went to bed at midday and slept all day
missing all day boozing at the pub, NEXT DOOR
in the evening it was all off to juicyland for home delivered debacle curry
four luvved up and fuzzy people just enjoying eachothers company
not an early night either
catherine didnt want to goooooo
so she stayed and watched chopper with us
then freaked out coz a man with a knife was going to stab her
and spent a good 40 minutes wandering upstairs and downstairs
making my sides hurt with larfffta
sad farewells to vomity boots catherine in the middle of the noiwt
monday the day of rest
pfiffed pfaffed and read benji some bedtime tintin
packing in the hall staying up late watching 342434 channels of stuff
funny that
farwethewells in the morn and its orf on another transport binge...

mangia merda padre del cazzo

Padre Pio 'faked his stigmata with acid'

By Peter Popham in Rome

Published: 25 October 2007

Padre Pio, the friar with fingerless gloves whose image is found on a million Catholic key chains; who was canonised before 200,000 ecstatic pilgrims five years ago, was a charlatan who deliberately mutilated himself with acid to give the appearance of bearing the stigmata of Christ, according to evidence to be published next week.

The Italian historian Sergio Luzzatto will release Padre Pio, Miracles and politics in 20th century Italy – a book producing new evidence from Vatican archives, which he says proves that the charismatic friar secretly procured carbolic acid with which to burn his hands, feet and sides.

The allegations are not new: two successive popes regarded Padre Pio as a fraud. By 1920, when Pio was 33 and was already exhibiting his scars before masses of pilgrims, the church was worried that his cult was spinning out of control. Reports commissioned by the church claimed Pio regularly scourged himself with a metal-tipped whip, and had sex with women twice a week. For many years Pio was banned from celebrating mass in public.

Of particular concern to the church were the ugly, weeping wounds which Pio concealed under those fingerless gloves. The friar claimed that he had received the stigmata of Christ – wounds to his hands, feet and side like those suffered by Christ during his crucifixion – at the culmination of a mystical seizure.

A doctor sent by the Vatican to examine them concluded that the wounds were probably caused and maintained artificially. To test the hypothesis he bound the wounds and sealed the bandage to prevent it being tampered with. But on examination a month later the doctor was nonplussed to find that the wounds had failed to heal.

Yet now Mr Luzzatto claims to have unearthed documents that prove beyond reasonable doubt that the friar was a trickster.

In the summer of 1919, the 28-year-old cousin of a pharmacist in the southern city of Foggia, a deeply religious young woman called Maria de Vito, made the pilgrimage to Pio's church, San Giovanni. The pharmacist told his local bishop, Mgr Salvatore Bella, "When she returned to Foggia she brought the greetings of Padre Pio and asked me in his name, and in strict secrecy, for carbolic acid, telling me that Padre Pio had need of it, and giving me the little bottle he had given her, capacity 100g, and with a skull and crossbones."

The pharmacist jumped to what Mr Luzzatto believes is the right conclusion. "My thought was that the carbolic acid could be used by Padre Pio to procure or further irritate wounds on his hands."

Mr Luzzatto cites the note written by Pio to the young woman, Maria de Vito, "though much more neatly than his normal hand".

Invoking the blessings of Jesus, Pio writes baldly: "I am in need of 200g or 300g of carbolic acid for sterilising. I pray you to send it to me on Sunday." This, claims Mr Luzzatto, is the smoking gun. If he had really needed the acid for sterilising purposes, he demands, "why did he proceed in such an oblique manner?"

Mr Luzzatto's claims, splashed across a full page of Corriere della Sera, Italy's best-selling daily, were furiously denounced by Pietro Siffi, president of the Catholic Anti-defamation League. The "presumed proofs are absolutely false," he said. "According to Catholic doctrine, canonisation involves the infallibility of the pope."

muppet day in bristol

tis a big day round this parts
oooh arrr my lovaarrrrrrr
theres a bday affair for little miss muppet
we are going to a pub called the pub
then to anuvva pub called the pub
then going to sit out back of her place under a gaze-bo
they used to be called place-bo
in the meantime the rain has stopped and the soooonshine is oot
many important peoples will be there
catherine the great
martin the great
chris the great
juicy the great
joe the great
emma the great
faisel the great
claire the great
that other bird the great
that bloke the great
me the great
lots of other people the great
but not grim the great
unfortunately....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it seems i fell off a bike
maybe i couldnt find a parking for it
i dont know anything
no, not much at all.....
only that i fly from rome to far fucking away in 8 days
erik the stronzo is dead silent
coz hes in luff
the figa might be bizzaay
ive got parcels going to mo
but they are going missing
and addressed to sheep
where the hell am i going to fly to
im flying on blue monday
to bloody where?
the prices keep salendo
arghghhghghg
my brain is in a state of flux

a juice is loose in the hoose with a mousse

holsten pils 7 for a fiver and stella a quid each

stockwell road brixton
or is that brixton road stockwell?
sure he does....
i have been camped here for a week and a half
the tent is out the back
behind the coq sportif
nowhere to park your bike tho
uniteds front line needs reinforcing
susan sarandon reminds me of somebody
with vucinics second
fell to pieces
just a word then
milky joe isnt happy with the holsten
i just wish he could keep his cool with those penalties... freddie
the exponentially expanding friendlist
viola wot?
the general welfare of the soldiers
she just pulls the tab and off they come
dead man walking just doesnt compel me
silly men discussing silly game moreso
what might that say about the chap down below bellowing about his missing shoe?
catherine went to bed
too cold she cried
its sevilla one
arsenal one
bugger...

and then everything was M A R V E L L O U S...

FUCK YOU, FUCKING PRICK!


John Howard! You’re a fucking cunt.
John Howard! You’re a bloody liar.
John Howard! You’re full of shit.
John Howard! Why dont ya get fucked.

c/o Victims of Noah

and everything was terrible...

england v croatia euro 2008 qualifiers 2-3, football's hasn't even called home...

albion

ridiculous argos store...


everything is lovely after australia score , except i didnt see it...
get off silly iberia plane
will there enough time to get to the fitba?
check out transport options
heathrow express
heathrow tube
heathrow connect
heathrow lavatory legs
plump for the intermediate one and im orf...
v hungry and forced to eat shite from vending machines... first time in a long time
change at paddlington and tube it to oxford circass then change again to heading souf
orf at stockwell and down the road that im begining to know well
arrive at the far side and into the arms of my beloved cat
who has cooked up a storm
eat a storm, speak some bollocks, shower and head out to craven cottage for the fitba
wondering where do they get off
we find craven cottage and a huge swell of australians
not as excruciating as i had feared
get in sneakily and find out theres no booze til arf time
bastards
take our seatage and marvel at how ickle the place is
the players are just... over there
game is fun and my brain is playing along
in a clever ploy i go to the bar before half time
but they are being twats
eventually we stock up and sit in an enclave
surrounds by hordes of australians
not as excruciating as i feared
one ridiculous 18 year old is swaying and staggering
oz flag draped around her shoulders and she cant walk or talk
we quaff our stuff as you cant take booze into the stands
clever ploy backfires as we miss the only goal of the match
funk dat
anyway
after the goal the atmos is fab
jumping up and down and loads of chanting
oz play well and so do nige
oz wins 1-0 and everything is okay
we bus it back and start drinking
oh dear
__________________________________________________________________

team keeps on moving and a few days pass with doing not much
just hanging about above the pub
evening boozing sessions and lots of fun chatting and catching up
at some point a trip to argos to get some blank dvds to steal lots of films
and shock bloody trevor its the shop from the future
nothing in the shop except catalogues
feeling very 3rd world i figure it out
you find what you want in the catalogue
write down the number
go and pay then wait to be called to pick it up
very whizz bang and definitely the way of the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTURE
quite liking brixvegas
has its charms
very multicultural innit like?
___________________________________________________________________

plans gradually falling into place
go to here when where?
flights to oz
flights to somewhere in italy
coaches around uk
trains around italy
staying here where and what?
confucious said that he had lost his left sock at the laundromat
lucky bloody him
watching dvds on johnnies obscenely big and clever projector with big o soundo
very very very fucking impressive
enough to make you wanna take drugs
___________________________________________________________________
last night big game o foot o ballo
england v croatia
england needed a draw to go to euro 2008
the drama, the passion, the boots
incredible bad start with the goalie gifting a goal to croatia
shortly after another fuck up and its 2-0 down
the commentators on five live are in disbelief
catherine gets in so we head downstairs to watch the 2nd half in the pub
lots of doom and gloom and some nice soup
england get a rubbish penalty and the place cheers up
they get an equalizer and the place goes mental
then croatia score again and its hat throwing time
all over and lots of miserable englanders mope about
i have some staropromen and go to beddy byes

watch out for iguanas

an iberia plane being shit




so iberia are shit
they are so shit
they were shit in 2001
they were shit on the way there and shit on the way back
the plane was late leaving crackvis
they didnt bother letting people know about the chances to missing connecting flights
when i asked about it the answer was 'oh well they will put you on the next one', disinterestedly
twats
i was an hour late into madrid was offered no assistance to speed my way to connecting flight in around 25 mins
hurried off to find the next plane
get sent to the wrong place
stood in a queue and watched the clock eat my time
eventually at the front they tell me i was in the wrong place
cursing in 3 languages i go to the other check
only to be told i had to go back
fuck that
i insisted and got thru to find the gate deserted
legged it to a helpdesky place
while some lady farked around for 45 mins
and eventually told me i was on the next flight boarding now at gate x
so i rush of to gate x to see it deserted
i ask the unhelpful bints who say the next flight is at that gate
so i sit, listen to a pair of south africans complain
the clock is ticking away and there is nobody there.. and its not up on the monitor
so i go off to another helpdesky thing
where they send me back to the fucking empty gate
eventually 10 mins before take off i go and hassle the silly bints at the gate
oh, its at another gate they say snottily
fucking idiots
im bussed away through concrete tunnels to the other fucking side of the place
and board via the back
then... as we are preparing to take off they say the delay is caused by 3 passengers not boarding
and that they are unloading their baggage
a horrible thought struck me that i might be one of them as they didnt even seem to know i existed and i never officially boarded
they check and say all is cool but i dont believe anything they say anymore
then, to top it off.... they charge for food on the flight
on a fucking scheduled flight!!!!
fuck iberia and fuck rubbish spanish customer service

watch out for posadas

not frank not showing his
not butt

somebody else riding not sad ken

still in los llanos
despite the fact that this is now several days ago
big snorefest ensued
and lots of sulking from the roman twat
new day of adventures
we tumble in the jeep and i cop a view from the top
very sschpecktular miss moneyshot
off to another accampento and for a bote trip
we cruise around in little canoe
looking for groovy wild animals
we see pink dolphins but the bastards wont sit up for a photo
selfish gits
we see errr lots of birds, capybara, one in particular called frank that only wanted show us his but, groovy iguanas, a big hairy arsed baby bird in its nest, and some other stuff that may well have been amazing but it slips my reverse flushed mind
back for lunch a siesta and then........
we go for a horsey horsey ride
im pretty freaked coz horses are big monsters with swishy wishy tails
i ask for a horse with one leg
they laugh and away we go at a nice stately little pace
im told off for being to nice to the horsey
apparently you gotta show them whos boss
but im a big softy and i lurv animals
not in the farmlove sense mind...
we plodded about for a bit
after a while i got a bit courageous and took the bugger up to 2nd gear
my horse was called caballo... mysterious name that
i wish i had called him sad ken
but im just not that funny
it went on for a couple of hours and in the end the horse not called sad ken got a bit of a trot on
so i got an even sorer arse and other nethery regions
how on earth do you ride one of those things
anyway now im a big tuff cowboygauchojackaroo
with my howard carter hat
when its over theres another party with a band playing thththh music
and lots and lots of beers
and some little pipe efforts under the stars
michela wants to talk in english and i wanna talk in italian but we find some common ground
might be all that beer
the local band are really quite good but i dont get into it
some folks are dancing and stuff then a star shows up
the fabled giant ant eater that we had started to doubt existed
he wombles around and drinks beer and is surrounded by drunken buffoons
i get a bit close and he wants to play with me
hes a big fucker and i freeze assuming thats what one does
til im shouted at and i get outtay there
helene is flirting with all the local boys
especially pomodoro and junior
all good for giggles for me and the english blokese
then its all over and im chatting to a disappointed jr
he tells me its iraq in our big roomage
im off my trellis and expected a big fight and wanted to snot the roman twat
but not much really...
swinging in the hammocks
or is that swingeing
ninna nanna and all that rot
next day feeling kinda seedy and we are off and racing
to barinas where jr sorts out a ticket for me
which is great coz i really couldnt be arsed
eat big chicken, the best in barinas apparently
then say the farewells and its onto the coach
what follows is a big ridiculous farce
nobody can tell me what time the bus will get to caracas
or more precisely they all make up different numbers
it take cken ages and im thinking i might be on the wrong bus
poor vanessa is coming to meet me at the terminal
but my batteries die and i dont know what the fuck is going on
several hundred years later we get to the terminal after a gazilliion years of traffic
then we turn around and go to another one
im finally off and ring vanessa from one of those little stands
and she comes to get me
in the meantime im getting seriously cranky at all the maggots who keep calling me gringo and trying to shovel me onto a taxi
eventually lovely v shows up looking v stressed and it back to hers in a crab
quick hellos to simona the nutter and a play on the nerd them sleep
all too soon its uppy time and packing
vanessa takes me out to get a hammock and a leones t shirt
and then rushes off to university and luis come with me to the hairport
what a lovely man
a crab, some dodgy bead shopping and a bus later
we are at the airport where hes trying to help me out by translating spanish into spanish and guide me around the place
bless him
queue in the longest queue to get thru immigration
may well have been an hour as the dozy cow was pathetic
then its thru and onto the plane
iberia are shit
we are delayed but there is no explanation
im way too late to get my connection from madrid to london im all the the place
standing in queues
rushing about and getting useless info and being hopelessly misdirected
fuck iberia and madrid airport are diabolically bad

watch out for los llanos

this piranha is not the one i caught.. some bloke got it in brasil and i stole the image... mine was much harder, it had a gun

right there i was

up and early dooooring about

jump into jeepage with 2 italian birds, swiss german and meet fellow travellers

a roman who turned out to be a huge wanker and 2 coventry lads

off we go...

we stop to look at an old stone church

which didnt thrill me much

then driving driving driving driving driving driving

up through mountains and back down again

for a loooooooong time

lunch at a roadside place with crazy big roast stuff

the roman was decidedly weird

more driving and the option of going white water rafting..

we try it on

im a bit worried and take the 2nd seat after being given the first coz of my 'experience'

fell in the water a couple of times and did lots of effort

hoping against hope the brokes wouldnt arrive

the day so hot and the water so deliciously cool

we finish with some beers

some crazy lady on the street told me something about being hermoso and something else i didnt get

more driving followed to arrive at 11 at the accampamento

some beers and some sleep in the hamaca

next morning we are off to go piranha fishing

very cool

a few unsuccesful spots and we are away

no luck for me or any other gringos except peter from coventry

eventually got one

scary scary little fuckers with nasty teeth

then we go looking for big anacondas

the guide, junior and some other fellas go wandering around swampy stuff with big sticks

no luck really

on the way back we see a little one which gets cranky when junior tries to pick it up

hardly epic 8 metres we had heard about

back to the accampamento for a big old booze up

i only had about 10 then went to bed first

party pooper shooter

its a long story

i sit before a steaming keyboard in brixton

but thats not really the point

it all started way back when... um then..

an obscenely long bus ride from ciudad bolivar to merida

full of bad bad bad films

a charming gent called dieter came to get me from the bus station

rescuing me from some over friendly venezuelan dude who wanted to be my bus trip companion

but seemingly only spoke worse spanish than me

quein lo sabe el porque

maybe he was just trying to talk to a green go

farked if i knew

but i wasnt interested in the view at the front

anyway

dieter said i had sod all hope of getting a gig at the teleferico

apparently there would be long queues and i would need to book for another day

but i dont have another day!

a kwik stop at the luvverly posada allemana suisse

markus put me at ease

i sorted some stuff with my addled brain and set off with dieter to the teleferico with a sinking heart

but what to lose?

it looked grim on arrival with a laaarge q

wot

wot

wot did that vino tinto say

.....

oh yeaaaaaaaaaah

standing the long q

not really aware of what was going on but aware in that hyper sensitive way that the default traveller brain can only do

then a bloke comes up and offers me a spare ticket

in castellano

the imperative seconds pass by before it registers

is he another dodgy fucker in this universe of dodgy fuckers

much stalling and fobbing off of other would be recipients follows

and a deal is done with marvin

a student from a university somewhere in the north

which i cannot comprehend

and i have a ticket

brill..

that lady tries to butt in and buy it

but im onto it and the deal is done

its for 10.30 but the chaps say to give it a try

they are 5 perhaps

on a wkd of fun

farked if i know what they are on about

my castellano is suffering badly

lots of grinning and shuffling follows

and we all end up on the next teleferico

#me first and they follow

a fantastic vuuuueu

four different beasties over five stops

we make bad small talk and listen to the cd of commentary

each time the car goes over a pylon the passengers go

whoooooooooooooooah

very cool

a blur of stops and wanders

buy a coffee here..

or a hat there

fresos con crema

and im at the top

the brain gets cranky and puts the question out there

altitude sickenss?

a sanddddewich and a bad hot chocolate and we are at thetop

wander to see the view

2 lakes and a possible horse thing

take a photo of a bloke

whose english is much better than my castellano

hurry back for the next car

but miss it

hoping the brain is ok

next time around im there

quite spooky last stop

over rocky stuff

a suspiously new car

more on that later

at the top the clouds move in

a jesus in the nube

a wander about and photo not taken

what was that token aboriginal statue?

buy the surprisingly reasonalbe priced hat

and back back back down

will it all be ok or wil the brain spit it?

marvin and the boys are long gone
trying on this video biz
way over my head
search a souvenier, but not rubella injections
get a crab back to the posada
unfortunately the driver doesnt know it
not even for seven thousand
my spanish has gone with the wind
we get there
my room is .. ridiculous
no really , that was the term

this is getting hard just now

back at the posada
2 double beds and a strange head
meet blonde italian lady
what more could i want

time and beers pass with a snooze
meet the other one and some apparent not italians from sud tirol
such a bore this whole nationality thing
decide to card it
why not... the farce continues
dinner with my travelling companions
michela, helene and swiss girl.. she doesnt say much
karin
with the accent in the right place
a big old walk to the place
will it ever end?
past all kinds of dodgy places
to the chicken on the brasa place
only ones home
simona rings!
what on earth is she on about?
inside, outside, addled we go
hope to explain the sitch
did vanessa know what went on
did she read the mensajes?
negotiate a crab back and some more beers and nerd before hometime..
basta por ahora...
pleeeze
but its only one day
and so much putty to fill...

something comes crashing down

more bloody arepas