day cinco

the falls at canaima lagoon, very gnarli

and a pretty colonial church in ciudad bolivar

errr
got a long barss from crackvis to ciudad bolivar... took 10 hours...
v comfy tho..
but i had to sit through a film with sandra bollocks in it, she really sucks
and whats more i am convinced that she and michael jackson are really the same person
then came a film with adam sandler
fucking
whats worse the thththth bus driver put the language setting on the dvd to commentary
so i had to listen to adam sandler going on about how funny he is
fucking
things then brightened up a bit with 3 consecutive jaws films
had a natter with a bloke called herman who did graphicky designs for shops
finally got to ciudad bolivar and the dude came to meet me at the bus station
drops me off at posada don carlos
so very beautiful this place
colonial architecture
a plaza and native wood carvings all over the place
take up residence at bar
chat to marlon from trindidad, the barman
groovy spanish tour leader who wants to settle down
and japanese bloke living for 2 years in the jungle
v odd talking to a nihon jin in espanol..i tell you
too hot to sleep
next morning go to agency
mary mary is a spectacle and luis is a good bloke
then to hairport then get a 'bus' 3 hours
yakking away with swiss bloke
backpack falls apart to my dismay
but ronny saves the day with his swiss army knife
who would have a though a swiss bloke would have one of those?
followed by an enternity at a little airport in big nowhere waiting for 30 min flight to canaima
attempted to make small talk with local soldiers
i rocked
was joined up with a suisse couple who spent ages in oz and had slight oz accents
and 2 groovy german dottoresse
one in particular had the most amazing blue eyes and other fab quals as well
cheeky slightly mad laugh
it seemed i spent the whole trip seated behind her staring at the nape of her neck
i think i have become a nape fan
and to think that before i found the most sensuous part of a woman to be the boobies...
also joined a middle aged english couple who vote tory
start boat trip in long skinny motorised canoe
see some cool waterfalls
then walk it to a v cool big one
which we walked under
and for about 10 seconds straight thru the torrent
nearly blasts your head off and probs most dangerous
but very very invigoratin
back on boat for an eternity up the river something
sorest of butts from sitting on stupid plank of wood
and sorest of backs from sitting on stupid plank of wood
stay at dodgy camp
cant find bloody torch
surprisingly dont get eaten by mosquitos
next day up early and back on bastard boat
poor back
fab scenery of jungle but no animals
big tepui mountains make most dramatic scenery
back sucks
butt sucks
finally get to isla raton-mouse island
the 2nd camp where we have decided not to stay
the falls look only okayish from there
decided to risk the walk up up and through the jungle
quite a bit is steepish and problematic
its not too easy and i stop a few times for a rest
one hour later and the falls look brilliant from about 500 metres away
then we go nearer to the bottom
there is a cool pool where we flap about and chill
as its soooo hot and humid
extremely impressive
as is her bottom
back down speaking a strange mix of italian and spanish with the native guide dude
knackered on return scoffing huge amounts of chicken from the sput
a groovy little anteatery thing with a huge nose shows up and hangs around the campsite being cute for bits of chicken and photo ops
back in damn boat
blooody shit arse bollocks my back and butt hurt
2 hours later back at original site
my brain is in a frightening state of falling out
so little sleep for so long
over dinner and not drinks learn about lots of tourist destinations in venezuela
decide against orinocco delta trip
my butt couldnt take any more time in a bastard canoe
sleep in a hamaca
sort of
back on boatage next morn to go back to canaima
feeling kind grooved out
try to scam my way into a flight all the way back to ciudad bolivar
its fails
decide to not stay the extra night and get saucy plane bus combo back to ciudad bolivar
with great new german friends who teach all kinds of good words in german
colours, prostitute, good, bad, sky, try, i had sex with your mother behind a tree and my all time time favourite, arseloch....
back in cd
go for a wander nearby posada...
very pretty colonial architecture but too tired to care too much
just want some fags to accompany impending beerfest at the bar here at don carlos
wander down by the main street by the orinocco delta
but everybody speaks some kinda greek about fags
buggered if i know
plenty beers on return
finally meet some italians in hostel
sadly they are a middle aged couple who are sailing around the world
da milano e hanno una barca vela a rapallo
plus glaswegians, dutch, israeli miamese, french, french and spanish...
it seems i will be going to the bleach somewhere 5 hours up the road before going to merida and then to los llanos for animal looking at
if my brain doesnt fall out first
coz im v v v v v v v v v tired

youve got to go

perhaps my coach will look like this.... or perhaps the best value in the graveyard today

Salto Angel-the highest waterfall on this particular world... I hope to see this in a couple of days, Steve Inshallah

in a few moments i shall be leafffing to go to the rodavias bus station

to get the bus to ciudad bolivar

man they love him in these parts

not to mention portfolio bolivar

serpiente bolivar

pescado bolivar

thankyoudrivethru bolivar

how now brown bolivar

should be ciudad pollo

where adventure, big water, some jungle, small water, some people, the forgotten world or something and perhaps an itchy arse awaits

not sure when i shall blog again

probs not too many internerds available ooootttay thar

hasta la proxima

socialism at work

WARNING-THIS MAN IS A TWAT

what a conio of a day...

up around 7am and pfaffing around trying to sort crap out

big hurry going on so im power walking in the wake of vanessa
pobrecita angelica vanessa and i get a bus to the centre of town (or two)

because she was told that the ministry of health was the place to get anti malaria pills

so we get there

and mr army man says 'you cant' come in

fuck off

coz im wearing shorts

you cant enter government buildings with shorts on

what a bag o shite

so i decide to buy some trousers

coz i cant be farked going all the way back to get changed

i buy them in a nearby market and plan to put them on then and there

vanessa says its not correct

so we go off trying to find a toilet

first one is closed

2nd one is closed

3rd one is closed

im already v tired and becoming v cranky

i put them on over my shorts and we get in

we are directed to the something floor where we go

eventually some socialist party crony shows up and speaks a whole load of communist bollocks and takes us to another room

tell vanessa that she can sign the document

because she 'is the people'

we wait... nothing happens

eventually 5 people come back from some kind of break

they are truly doing fuck all

the office manager sits about looking all important banging on about nothing

but he clearly hasnt got a clue what hes talking about and hes trying to hide it

there is no anti malaria pill

there is no inocculation

there is no malaria

there is no earth

there is no me or you

there is just rubbish that he's making up....

go here

try there

go there

try here

coz he too most likely is a party crony

eventually the secretary takes us aside and suggests 15 things

each less plausible than the last

its pretty clear here that nobody has any idea what is going on

if the whole govt is run like this the country is in BIG trub

we go back to the original place but give up when nobody will help us

a ridiculous kids show comes on the monitor

we head off across town to another option

some kind of clinic where they do anti stuff

we get there and wait

people faff around incessantly

eventually vanessa butts in and we get to see this lady

who them claims that malaria medication is only for people who go to the jungle for 3 months or more

which is obvious shit

she says i can have a yellow fever booster

why not? i figure

so we go off and get stabbed for that

whilst stabbing was going on i asked the nurse about the anti malaria stuff

and she claims its the same innoculation!

which is shit, coz there is no innoculation for malaria...

im frazzled and confused and vanessa says it is all a mierda

we get the bus back to the flat

and head off again

i ring the agencie de viaje and the bird says i dont need where im going

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?

I give up, we get the bus to the banks

get some bolIvares and go shopping

get some anti mosquito stuff, sunglasses, mob phone credit, long sleeve shirts, thongs and some kind of grape flavoured soft drink which is way too sweet

we then get another bus up the road a bit more so vanessa can get some books for university

how many buses? how many ridiculous stories? how much incompetence?

things that i might possibly have seen at pico bolivar

what was on offer from the pico.... somebody else kindly took a photo for me to steal




the teleferico to pico avila, as seen by somebody with a camera that clearly wasnt me





Galipan, somebody who is not me having a fab time and getting strawberry and cream thingy with the grease injected directly into it


apparently you can see the sea from up there too, i cant find a photo of theeeeees... but it was all foggy so i didnt see a cazzo

but you can at .... http://wikimapia.org/2093313/es/Parque_%C3%81vila_M%C3%A1gica
zoom out for extra fun slices of context!

sightseeing with Luis on martes

thats me on the horse, pointing at some flying nachos... over.... there...

got a bit of a shock today
was thrown in to a bit of a prob
not for the first
Vanessas dad Luis showed up
apparently to take me sightseeing
around 2pm
I had no idea about this
by rights i should have been out doing errands before i buggered off ....
tonight
but vanessa had to work
it was very hard to explain that i couldnt do much
what with my bad spanish
his not existent english
and ignorance of my happy sitch the world over
and the lovely bloke had just come half way across town for me
so i just had to make the most of it
we walked to the metro station
trained it to the station at plaza venezuela
well at least a km down the road
and then we hoofed it up the street
it was a big old plaza
with a big round concrete thing in the middle
i couldnt figure out what it was
and luis couldnt figure out what on earth i was on about
a bit of a let down really
we then went to the universidad central of caracas or something
i believe it won some unesco awared the 60s
i dont know why
it was nice and green and all that
but not that exciting
it was bluddy big tho
and took lots of walking about
including the plaza of the rector
which didnt do much for me
after we had traversed the biggest university in venezuela
and maybe the universe
we went to the ciudad del unversidad metro station
and trained it to bandera station
we then hoofed it down to la procedes
a big arsed monument come boulevard with fountains and all looked after nicey
impressive
but these things ring a little hollow if you have spent long enough in europe
seeing monuments by the buttload
and fountains by the culo load
it is a big old monument to the liberation and stuff
and it the end was a huge parade ground cum street
with stands and stuff
for watching soldiers walk by
that, i have never seen before
a little disquieting
i got told off by a soldier for going where i shouldnt have
then i waited for the big fountain to kick off
and went and stood in the spray
which was great coz it was bluddy hot
well i did the tourist thing
and i hope like hell i havent todgered myself by trying to be agreable
it was way way way over my limit
and i am supposed to be doing lots more stuff tomorrow
before starting my insane bus trip
and the other insane stuff
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

something about rodent buses

it all seems to be doing something about something
after a week and a half of slothing about caracas or is that crackis?
ive 3 weeks of action
went up to avila on the funicular thingy yesterday
its over 2000 metres
right next to the city
mindblowing views on the way up
but at the top it was all fog fog fog
bit like when i went up table mountain
pants
but then we got in a carrish thing and went down the mountain a bit to a fab little town
called... galipan
there were loads of farmery shops
where the locals who grow fruit and flowers flog their wares
i had some fab soup with bits in it
and bought some super flowers for simona, vanessas mum
as opposed to simona, the lady with 18 noses
from this cool old dude who looked a bit like a gaucho
who grew them himself
sunflowers, eucalyptus, some other cool red things, some white things...some pink things...
its all au go go around here
pity i didnt actually use my brain once or twice
then i would have sorted out malaria medication
as one is supposed to do
but it seems i will shortly be off for a big exciting trip to salto angel and canaima, to see the worlds hairiest beerstones and float about in the middle of the jungle....
followed by a few days of looking at people with sticks and hopefully piranhas and groovy naturish stuff in the orinocco delta...
after a couple more days back in crackis
going to schnaa caribbean beach for a few days at morrocoy
then hopefully going down to merida
to go up to cinco mil metres on a funiculooooar
so put that in your llama skin booties and give him a hoofrub
all i need to do now is do all that stuff i should have done aeons ago

pues, entonces... bueno

err vanessa lives in here somewhere...

esta es el mi primero blog en español
que lastima que no tengo nada de original de decir
no es que esta situacian es nada de neuvo
pero
no perro
por que es un animal
tambien sin el accento
hoy fui al pico avila
pero fue todo nubes
non vee nada
pero soy muy contento
es la prima vez que hago el turista en la semana
y fui con la mi amiga vanessa
una muchacha tan simpatica
que es casi increible
compre las flores por la simona
una mujer demasiada amable
quiero que poderia escriber en el tiempo futuro
cada dia esta idioma se pone siempre meno un mistero por mi
es dificil separalo del´italiano por me
por que son muy similar
y la mi primera piensero en un idioma no ingles
es siempre en italiano
tambien ahora mientre escribo esto
antes
compre doce cervezas brahma light
pero la vanessa non gusta la cerveza
todavia le debo beber todo
que pena
y entonces son la dos y medio de la manana
y estoy siempre aqa
no se si se escribe asi
pues
escucho a una banda
que si llama la iglesa
almenos creo que es asi
hoy no estude el español
por que estoy flojo
como siempre
el spencer es a la playa
vamos a la playa
come dico aquel tipo de potosi
que se enseño el ingles
es justo fino el labyrinto del fauno
que pelicula bonita
debria mirala en castellano
pero estoy flojo
y si.... CHRIS WADDLE
hasta a la proxima

one of these people is the hero of a continent - can you guess which one?

Simon Julian, Liberatador de los cinco pollos



Simon Bolivar, Liberatador de los cinco paises

vanessa said i couldn´t go and play....

yesterday morning a dozen blocks away in sunny downtown cararacas...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MCOQF_HRIiI
http://youtube.com/watch?v=9WFk0VHaPLY

me, look like a CIA spy?
she just wanted to have all the fun for herself..

the amazing true story of butt spencer

this is NOT Vanessa's brother, who dances special salsa...

there once was a dodgy, big and hairy american actor
i think it was in the 1970´s by the look of the facial hair
it seems he was famous in venezuela
i dont recall him
but i got stuck at the cannonball run
his charms were so great that a lady in caracas decided to name her newborn son after him
except she got the name slightly wrong
unlike the grate man
the one and only Bud Spencer
she named him Butt Spencer
and its all true...

un corso intensivo

the flesh is willing but the mind is weak
ive decided to study my butt off at spanish
im doing a page and a half of one of my books a day
and half a chapter of the other
its enormous...
but ive gotta get in there
coz i know i wont bother with ththththth after i bog off from here
soy demasiado flojo
bebe
sooo many nouns
sooo many verbs
sooo many adjectives
sooo much bloody todos
asi puedo escribir un blog en castellaño
with the ñ
did you see the ñ?
yeah i did that ñ all by myself
the question is, can i make it all stick or will i end up with a big mess of stuff that i cant make sense of?
cuidate!
it´ll be peachy
...
ive also been ruuuuuuuuuuuuing a large mistake made by dint of slackness
i could have brought loads of foreign currency and made a killing
the black market rate is more than double the official
so depending on how much i spend... i will probably be at least 500 smeckers out of pockit
que stupido!
plans keep mutating
shoud have done research
stupido!
was going to do a 2 day trip to las sabana
and 2 days on isla margarita
but then i discovered that wasnt all kosher
and the prices are dublin enormous!
tercero mundo? el mi culo!!!
much heftier than oz for touristy stuff....
berga y conio!
time for big time research time
...
went to rich persons shopping centre the other night
to visit vanessas boyfriend and his parents
via shopping centre...
que mierda que son
oscar is not the grouch
v knowledgable dude and his parents are huge polyglots that filled me with plantain chips and scotch
and give me info overload about places to see here and in colombia
brrrrrrrrrrrrrr
we played escrabble, a bit like scrabble really
rather tricky considering my extremely limited vocab in spanish... lucky i had soapstar help
mrs oscar told me whats going on with chavez and his issues with wealthy people
it rung all astrange
way too similar to the zimbabwe thing with wealth redistribution
not a comfortable way to live

not a cyrillic adaption

me and the lads having a few polar beers....

theres a super breeze coming in today
the sky is grey
and its blowing away-a nanosecond at a time
the humidity that envelopes me
last night i went to a pool hall
called dominoes
with vanessa, her brother spencer and her friend jota
its was great fun
there was dodgy latino music pumping at extraordinary levels
the kind that would normally drive me nuts
but somehow it was really cool
the patrons were all shaking their hips
i may have learned something that day
i had to wear jeans
which felt like an analogy gone wrong
we got stuck into the beers
but they only had the baby sized ones
not even a babycham
i played like a dios
until i finished the first beer
when naturally i started playing like rubbish
plus la change
there were waitress like birds wearing purple vests and ridiculously tight white trousers
which were designed to show their latin culos in a big way
i kept being amazed how much i was enjoying the music and the atmosphere
the latin blokes huffing and puffing and parading around like peacocks
didnt get on my tits much at all
the girls with their incy wincy tops on
didnt get on my tits at all
OOH ANOTHER NIGHT...
yes another night
we go the metro
amazingly clean and efficient
not at all like the tercero mundo
2 nights back we went to el leone
which is castellano for breeze legs
and sat in this marvellous outdoor area
in the snug warmth with yummy beers
polar light, polar not light
and big bad polar mummy bear beer
we at tequanos which are sort of stick pastry things with melted mozzarella in them
and eventually i met jose
how was sitting with some of his mates
who all spoke english
especially one prat who thought he was being funny trying to take the piss out of the gringo by making up bullshit stories
he didnt get too far
i was feeling a bit sketchy so i didnt bother playing along
the traffic the traffic
the bloody traffic
la gente la gente
you gotta admire their ambiguous references...

estoy siempre un pochito cansado... bebe

hola mundo
outside of the window there is a fantastic view of buildings cars and people swarming about the place
its a hot and sweaty day today in caracas
like the 2 that preceded it
and perhaps the 20000' that preceded it too
my head is swimming with spanish words that i am trying to absorb at an allarming rate
it seems that in 2 days i have already got a tenuous working grip on spanish
if my interlocutors speak despacio and clearly
which isnt as easy as it sounds
it is quite a skill to learn
to speak simply to non madre lingua speakers
this family is so kind to me
vanessa speaks good english
(nothing to do with me)
spencer, the brother understands quite a bit
mum and dad... well not so much
swimming, doggy paddling around in circles
just keeping my head above water
with all this new information
so many words look and sound like italian
its like ive got a 50 percent head start
just gotta get some more verbs sorted
remember the various conjugations for past, future and conditional... maybe
muchas cosas
arecho baby
yesterday vanessa took me for a wander around the centre of caracas
fascinating
its been too long since i set foot in a place like this
the chaos, the smells, the traffic, the street vendors
the objects of familiarity that arent familiar after all
we straggled through shops and malls
down hot humid streets
this place certainly is alive
we went to a nice parque
and to the fauna museum
or something like that
with loads of cool info about the indigenous fauna and peoples
and the ambiente
v interesting
surely this is what life is made for
today im going to try to find a bank that doesnt ask for a stupid id code
and going out tonight with vanessa, spencer and her boyfriend oscar to el leone a groovy pub apparently
where i will catch up with jose too
much sweating to do before then

simon

The Far Side, Brixvegas, this was created with love on the top floor, behind the small square window...

apparently we can write waht we want .... / well thats usually a welcome opportunity for me to spout on for hours about what i thnk is worth spouting on about - and usually gives Simon the opportunity to say , " what the fuck" , "shut the fuck" or something equally australian and Simon like. But now I have a free reign to say what the " fuck " I like...

and I am normally Never stuck for wordfs. I dont think chicken neck , bottles of wine and guiness helps but the wrds are starting to blur..

but words that do spring to mind are : cocophony , blah , sex with whoever, jaribe de paulo, italia , la flaca, wild turkey , fast cars on snowy roads, very BAD tasting peyote, sexy french jazz bands, SMILES and tall trees, paisley shirts , ALANIS - hahahahhaha - , rubbishhhhh - talking it , Foood , a lost book of mexico , virgin shagging , CruMble Guts... , Fgood, Bicken Chins and al lot lot more...

if memories are the petrol of our life we shall surely be chugging away for a long long time my dear winkle pickle wearing Australian goon...

If life were simple , and I mean simple not in the way James Joyce meant it, we would just be all togther , sitting and talking shit until those winkle pickers turned an ugly shade of brown and melted into the glowing members of our friends for 50p a throw.. and heretherandeverafter my love and winklekisses, Cx

eddie grant puo ciucciare i miei calzini

if they knew i were coming, they would have put on some coloured clothes and decorations...

then i took it higher....

not quite rocking down to nearby electric avenue

lahndahn town is here
so am i
above the far side
the pub
not the comic strip
catherines little place
very cute
and on top of a pub!
in brixton
in lahndahn
a treeep to the laundrette
the marquis of lorne
another traditional old english pub
there are no riots
there are no rich people
there is electric avenue
the very first place in the uk where there was electricity
i learned that today
you know i learned something today...
meet joe black is in telly
a proper pub lunch was had downstairs
with hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooergarten
feeling kinda seedy
after a late night megabus trip from brisvegas
smokin and drinkin and natterin
talkin the talk
drinkin the red red wine
and red stripe with no cup
then red red rooster wine
slovak spirit
whacky macedonian benzina
catalan creme
other things in groovy bottles with plantlife in tow and faces off
eng bok
didnt get that much of it
v little schleep
munty me
johhnnny
we worry
wont he go on home
from his date with heimi henderson

i look like nicole kidman, almeno e´quello che crede la ste´

Can YOU guess what I am thinking?

ththththth

it rained today is brisvegas
didnt do much
when to the local italian deli
bit dodgy really
prosciutto too thick
mozzarella too bland
piss taking pronto brothers
slept most of the day
stayed up late last night
went to the cadbury
with chris and faisel
no chocolate
groovy pub
curry and pint or 6.50
a visit to ems
a visit to juice
a juice to visit in the pub
she was there
the bar bird looked kinda snaky
and kind of skinny
they asked everybody to move along please
back to juicy and joelandia
for spliff and limoncello
then the thun red line til late
couldnt sleep much
nfi why
quick run down on other things
a couple of nights by the juice in her nice warm house
a couple of nights by the em in her new fab place
a beet of water and stuff all over the shoppe
benji is big with loadsa hair
house is big
with loadsa white and rooms and a great big garden
silly worta making life tricky
yoda is still a luffly miss
just hanging with peeps
hardly riveting stuff

viva brisvegas

The Cadbury house, Richmond Rd, Brisvegas... where nobody lives nearby
emmas house-10 metres further down the road
juicy's house-where the photo was taken from, about 20 metres up the road
jims house-100 metres up the road on the left
Faisels house-120 metres down the road on the left
chriss house-one street down, about 50 metres up the road




sitting in juicy and joe lounge room
here is comfy brisvegas
arrived thursday late
milano malpensa to brisvegas intervallo
juicy and joe come pick me up
what a luvverly feeling
back to casa loro
for beers steers and queers
and a chat
tired juicy goes orf to bed coz shes gotta go to work
next day, not a lot
watch some vids
play on the internerd
eat some munch and make a short trip to the pubbage
emma drops by looking worse for wear
all is good
friday not gone to chris's
crashing at ems fab new pad
with stuff all over the place
including floor on watttta
a luvverly garden
a charming yodacina
all bright shiny houses
big and not bad
drinking wine
eating proper traditional english curries
and the juice loosener smokey bear
between ems and juices there is about 20 metres
or 23 yards
if you are into that kind of thing
and a fab pub
rumoured to be amongst the best in town
the cadbury
big big big beer garden
with pool table and lots of smokers
look
over that fence
its ems place
benji is big
and his hair is bigger
im orf

belin post

ah cazzo, sono in ritardo
sono le 16:49
e devo uscire dalla casa di erik fra 10 minuti
volevo fare un riepologo blog
di queste 3 settimane
e soppratutto di quello 4 giorni un po strani
beh, ormai è troppo tardi
quindi scrivo questo
quanto mi piace questo paese
in 3 settimane mi sono ricordato tanto di perche mi piace cosi tanto
anche perche mi rompe le palle
sono molto contento
la prossima volta che scrivo sara in inghilterra
un mondo diverso
ma non troppo
forse la mia mente avra cambiato marcia
e scrivo in thththththththhhhh
puodarsi...

the blog about doing a blog when you are just about to go out and have dinner blog

last night
la la la la
i had apertivo with mo e ste
in a luvverly vicolo leading down from piazza della meridiana del culo
had a nice wander across the haunted town
past porta soprana
down the rampage thing
groovy chinese type statues all over piazza de ferrari
down via qualcosa di aprile
then thru fontane marose and down via garibaldi or strada nuova
depending on whether you live in a port city that makes the bottom point of the industrial triangle of the north, joining with torino and milano
or a centuries old maritime republic that trades like demons and runs a piracy racket through most of the med
anyway
columns all over the shop
just as i like it
v happy to see ste again
and v happy to chat with mo
3 timpacos and great free munchies
not that measly bowl of crisps like you get in some places
afterwards i was much delighted to see that via garibaldi is lit up each night now
really is a treat that
also molto contento that the centre is looking cleaner than ever
be
sto per uscire a mangiare da mo
anche lo squilibrato verra
quindi faro' un altro giro nel centro storico
mi sento tutto possessivo
se come fosse un pianto mio o un bebe
tomorrow afternoon its train time to milano malpensa to leave this world behind
at least for the moment
mio dio sone belle... che c'e da fare?

where to stick your bacheca

Via Ravecca, a bit up from Eriks place, photo of Porta Soprana taken with some dodgy postcard filter obviously...

its a lovely sunny day her in la superba
at least at the top of the fucking scale it is...
my brain is still playing fog monsters tho
60 hours later and there i was
marvelling at the stupidity of not connecting the underground platforms of piazza principe station to the metropolitana
hence making passengers go up up and up
before going around around and around
then going back down down and down
to get to the metro
which was in effect about 50 metres away
che stupidaggine
and how about that not big hole in piazza sarzano?
it doesnt look quite right without it
instead theres this gleaming sensible pretty metro station
made me giggle and marvel once again at this fantastic ridiculous city and country
lots of bollacks were spoken on friday night
the padrone di casa went out to a pre arranged appointment that he forgot all about
mr mountains excelled himself at banging on about all kinds of crap
forza mr mountains!
the couch cushions keep moving
bastardi
sabato... boh
dinner at the not at all bonkers nadotti household
involving a lot of head butting over whether or not you can make cheese without the knowhow beforehand or if you can just experiment
it went on for hours
i nearly split a rib trying not to laugh
eveningsong bought out a trip to the bicu
mr mountains and paolino
sitting at this huge table by themselves whilst hordes queued angrily and stared
noemi and daniele
squilibrato and me
later marghco showed up
and a lady who looked kind of familiar
this fab place where they give you fab food
big fucking surprise there...
and these fuckoff big 3 litre thingies of home brewed beer that they plonk on your table and you can help yourself
one can imagine how much i hated that
there was apparently some rugby game on, italia versus scozzia
stupid bottom obsessed game if ever there was one
mr mountains was cranky coz he had a crap view of the crap game
and i kept telling him how crap it was
fistsful of this bowser thingsies later there were all kinds of rubbish being spouted
i contributed manfully
somebody found a bear, a grizzly according to mr mountains, because of its face...
i stuck wooden skewers up its butt and called it erik
now it sits beside me with €222,50 written on it
apparently the price of the evenings consumption
piffle and poppycock i say..
stayed up til 9am
much to eriks dismay
watched a film with super terrone in it
then the grand pronto which was a little fuzzy and very rainy
wanted to barf when legend car webber got bumped of the track
after a days sleep
went to paolinos house with a phenomenal view
and ate pizza and watched them try to copy music
what a boon that has been
long live leon!

whilst in napoli, maggots hair is styled by tennisballsrus and he chooses to look at...

Castel St Elmo... is on top of a hill, this photograph was obviously taken errr on top of that...

A rubbish view from Castello Sant Elmo...

Il maschio angioino... the week before i showed up

Il maschio angioino.... this week is mostly wearing traffic

not in bastardo

Madonna della stella, the residence of the lovely Tiziana and Gaia... Named after the religious building here, which in turn was named coz some fool claimed to have seen the madonna coming from a star... yes, yes and i saw a goat doing back flips on a floating egg whilst listening to Pop Will Eat Itself and with knee high stilettos on...

i am so very near to bastardo
its just up the road
but i will not go there this time
i feel no need
just being in its vicinity works for me
denail does too at times
i have been doing an epic translation for tiziana
a tourist guide to montefalco
serious shit involving not little brain power
but i really enjoyed it
i hope at some point to get a copy of it and put it here for nobody to read
i have now learnt
and immediately forgotten a zillion words for different bits of churches
ho hum
i need more sleep
the fold out couch here is a beast
no back support leaves a beaver with dodgy parts
last night we had spiedini with salad and yummy sagrantino
mozzarelle, salami, pane fresco and tanti cose buone
in my usual delicate way
trying to be helpful
i broke the handle on tizianas dishwasher
che furbo che sono
birri is sleeping on the couch
the most talkative cat ive ever encountered
tonight i am going to a party for a teacher who is leaving somewhere and something
to be the pesce tropicale extraordinaire
i cant remember the ninna nanna that starts... go to sleep little baby...
i have also, corrected english homework and helped gaia with her english translations
i havent used the brain like this for nyears
how long?
tiziana is sick of umbria, she wants to go live by the sea
gaia has a punky hairdo
and a certain rob just cant say no
big thanks to father who's credit on uk sim has been enormously helpful
i wish i knew what i was looking for
might i know where i would sleep
im under the same milky way as ever
the view is just a little different...

hot and sweaty in napoli

8 am naples
the fattest bastard ever is sweating in a hostel
a weekend of amazing food and amazing scenery
most of it being from a distance
doppio malt beers on a thursday night in central naples town
random discussion about spirits and dancing
followed by complete bollocks discussions with backpackers from all over the world in a drunken haze
saturday morning in a blaze of heat wander to the port to get a coach
coaching with muzak to the country
una famiglia simpatica
soo much food
salamis, pasta, pizza .. the real thing
amazing views from cliff tops
spectacular fireworks
amalfi,ravallo... quasi quasi carina quanto lei
feeling kinda dodgy
more amazing food
yummy beer and gorgeous icecream
meeting countless kind and interesting people
and a couple of cool doggois
wine, liquors and vegetables all from home
attempting luring of bellezza to far away climes
stories of animals less and more cude and cuddly
more and less venomous and bitey
driving in truly italian style around curves and great speed
late night beerings and random conversations in some strange tongue
spectacular panorame costiale
cheeky cigarettes and cheekier eyes and smile
la nonna 91enne
fortunatemente sa parlare in italiano
searching for cheap flights to beneththththuela
cheaper flights to albion
what to do,where to do it and who to do it
this drug is pulling me in...
e quanto è bella

vivo e vegeto (quasi)

dear world
i am alive and king terrone
after an epic 40 hour voyage i am safely ensconsed in a hostel in napoli. It bit. the beavismachine to melby hairport, a fight and a missed plane, another plane to sillyney, a big wait, a messican bloke who suffered my spanish, a plane to taipei where there was no george, but tasty snack treats and a dodgy shower...a plane to bangkok where i walked 2 kilmotres to end up in the same place, a plane to rome, where it all became funny, a train to roma termini, with some south efricans, a train to naples with some carine napoletane who invited me to see gigi d'alessio and who werent super impressed when i said that he was shite.. a fake metropolitana, another fake metropolitana, a wander in a street and a dead me in a sneaky corner...
The hostel is fab, there is even a lawn to lounge on, which is a large rarity in this country.
last night i went out with the bella laura, che è veramente bella....and her simpatici friends and brother....
its like falling off a bike and waking up in a place that sounds and smells familiar, like it should be an old friend, but the brain doesnt want to adapt...
its luffly and warm here and all the people speak this super language that is somewhere in the recesses of my brain.
now i am going awaaaaaaaaaaay and back to bed
as tonight apparently i am going to a bar called 'kinky', but its apparently nothing to do with touching culos and more about reggae... mon
un saluto cordiale a tutto il mondo
one limebeaver that is not there, but more likely here...
if this sparks an interest, this is the site of my hostel where i am old...but my ability to swear in italian has earned me much respec.......t
this hostel is.....
http://www.lacontrora.com/

just popping down the shops for 40 hours to get some milk

starting off at shat-oh beavouirvis at bloody horrible oclock

a snifty early morning drive in his motor

to riveting melby airport, where was farked about by twats and missed the plane

fortunately i was 4444 hrs early for connection so get next flight full of business nobs

to syddely haiport, where chatted to some mexican and waiiiiited and marvelled at all the rugby-the crappest-game-possibly-ever world *cough* cup bullshit they were peddling...

before boarding air *cough* china plane to....

fascinating chang kai-shek aiport in taiwan, where i sat around a bit more and most certainly DID NOT meet anybody called George.. did have a tricky shower tho and became most pleased with self

before getting another toasty flight

to shiny new bangers airport, and walked 2 kms to end up 10 metres away from where i started..

before getting back on plane that had chilled out by now... and flew for bloody ages...

to roma little river band aiport... its like falling off a bus and landing on your abductor muscles...

and getting on the fiumicino train to roma town, chatting with some seth efricans about being careful of gyspsies and not giving a crap about rugby

wasted further time, fended off scumbag who wanted to help me used ticket machine coz i look like a gringo...rang erik..

got the not really that fast intercity train to napoli.... wondered if head was going to fall off and chatted to 2 pretty ladies going to a gigi d'alessio gig there

to napoli centrale... where i wasnt hassled by scumbags, much to my surprise.. was all this chat about terroni all propaganda?



found my way to the ´'metro'



tried to figure this out with head listing dangerously...

changed trains from line bananabanglschlop to line mountfalltechnics and was subjected to horrible ads on monitors on platforms and excessive fucking about

head may have actually fallen off on this train...

finally arrived at salvator rosa station... what?

and hoofed it downhill to the hostel... which isnt really designed for smurfs

post chiang restaurant

tonight i ate at post chiang restaurant
now what does that put in your mind?
next thursday i will be eating at pre mao bakery and sconehouse
wednesday next i will be going to the mid trotsky foot massage and burger bar
is all this sounding a bit silly?
how about in august when i slurped myself silly at the early Haile Selassie's udon eatery
or got really drunk at late Idi Amin's All Night Boozer
desperate for material?
I bet you've never been to recently deceased Arafat's Dry Cleaner on a tuesday
or The soon to be Stephen Biko motorbike rental shack over by the hump
what is he like anyway?
the up and coming pol pot horticultural studies campus is an old fave
just over from the patchy time related adverbial Lumumba opticians
how far can an envelope be pushed then?
the never met him Nasser water purifying and crocodile husbandry convent was never to o shabby
and the where his head at JFK library of astrophysics research
but you probably knew that already
i would recommend the temporal suspension of Túpac Amaru's barrel of balm delights
but its quite a bus trip from wont be back for brunch William Wallace's toothpick emporium
the slippery slope? get your own...
downright whiffy by now Archduke Franz Ferdinand Lounge and Lavatory shoppe is always on the go
but the groove is better at just popped out for a plant and pen Llywelyn ap Gruffydd Hip Joint
is is over yet? my cheeks are turning blue...
not as blue as its all over chief sitting bull bottom's vinyl emporium and milk stand
as for frozen Rasputin's lurrrrv and other things saucy parlour...
just dont mention Garibaldi... he's been through enough already

post chiang restaurant

unloved blog thang

poor blog thang
nobody loves it
not least a non contributing bAffoon
or any non contributing bAfoons for that matter
its hardly like there was dastardly deeds to be done
not a lot too much more pressing
the camels are self watering
and trevor from over the road and down a bit
was doing his bit by hauling the moon into place every evening
sleep was never an issue
there wasnt any
work didnt get in the way
there wasnt any
its not like social engagement were beating the door down either
it was pure neglect that hurt the blog so
perhaps that shall change now
with the new regime in place in tanganyika
maybe some affection will be lavished on it
and the oxen salad days shall return
i await with interest the outcome
but i fear that for the short term at least things arent super rosy
sporadic at best is the lay of the land
although there might be something for interesting to see than this drivel...

worst blog ever

ive got nothing to say
its better to fuck off than to sleet a popinjay

robbage gets crankage

stolen from the south wales evening post...

DRIVER'S FURY OVER PARKING TICKETS ROW
9 readers have commented on this story. Click here to read their views.
RICHARD YOULE
RICHARD.YOULE@SWWMEDIA.CO.UK

09:00 - 24 August 2007

A Furious motorist is demanding to be reimbursed for hundreds of pounds' worth of parking tickets issued on a road police say should be exempt from parking charges.Mumbles lifeboat crew member Rob Jenkins said he has received between 15 and 20 tickets over the past 18 months after leaving his car on Castle Road beyond the specified one-hour time limit.

But police said on Wednesday that parking restrictions could not be enforced there because of incorrect signage. That has been denied by Swansea Council, who yesterday said the signs looked okay.

The police claimed the traffic restrictions on the road were unenforceable after a traffic warden had been spotted leaving his Ford Focus there all day while going around the village checking on other cars.

They said he hadn't done anything wrong, and that other motorists should not be ticketed for leaving their cars there either.

However, Mr Jenkins has had to stump up well over £500.

"I'm normally very level-headed, but I'm boiling," he said.

"In the past 18 months I have had 15 to 20 parking tickets in the spot where the warden was parking.

"My business was next door, in Newton Road, and I needed my car close by in case there was a call-out from the lifeboat station.

"I have no problem paying for the tickets. But if this warden does not have to pay, it's completely wrong."

Mr Jenkins said he wrote to the police after receiving one ticket asking if they would consider giving him special dispensation because he was a member of the lifeboat crew.

But they replied, saying if they allowed him to park there they would have to do the same for all other emergency workers.

In yesterday's statement to the Post, South Wales Police explained why the traffic warden had not done anything wrong.

"Some of the signage and road markings in the Mumbles area are not compatible with the Traffic Legislation Order, which means that we, the police, cannot enforce the law in these areas," said a spokeswoman.

"When there is a fault with signage, the police report it to the local authority, in accordance with the Traffic Legislation Order, for them to carry out the necessary work.

"We referred this matter to the authority more than two years ago.

"This traffic warden was, therefore, not committing an offence because this road is one of the defective roads, and any member of public that has parked on a defective road within the last two years can be assured that they, too, have not been issued with a parking ticket."

She added that Castle Avenue and Queens Road also had the same faulty signs.

Hundreds of motorists could now launch an appeal against parking tickets that have been dished out to them on the roads.

But Swansea Council said it was not aware of the problem.

A spokesman said: "It is normal practice for the local police, who have responsibility for enforcing parking restrictions, to inform us of any issues relating to signage and traffic orders.

"However, in this case we are not aware of any issues.

"We are currently investigating the locations the Evening Post has highlighted.

"If there are any faults or irregularities then the necessary amendments will be made."

He added: "An officer has been there to inspect the signs and said they were enforceable."



Your Views
I think that Adrian Lewis is totally missing the point of the issue, Rob Jenkins needs his car close at hand in case he is called out to deal with an emegency,Adrian lewis obviously has a gripe because he has to pay to park his car, why shouldn't he? the disabled area's to park are located closer to amenities, this doesn't mean that it should be free parking, that's what running a car is all about!! come on give Rob Jenkins a chance he is offering his service to the RNLI for nothing.
Jim Hopkin, Swansea


what the hell is up with this world ,for god sake the man is on standby for the lifeboat,and as with all 999 calls you state that seconds saves lives but you give this man a ticket for parking when he will drop is own income to save a life free of charge, and if you dont understand that message i will spell it out loud ! SECONDS SAVES LIVES ,wake up
eric shire, wirral


totally agree that if the lifeboat crew are on a job they should be able to park without some jobsworth sticking a ticket on their car.the crew at cleethorpes have designated parking so come on you councillors get it sorted, remember one day it might be one of your family that need the services of the RNLI
trevor stockdale, grimsby


This is sickening man - c'mon these people are selfless heroes and put our lives and safety above their own, Swansea council, you should be ashamed - REALLY ASHAMED. There should be parking dispensation for all emergency workers who are on call. Get your act together before it's one of your own who needs to be rescued.
Mark Owen, Stockport


Adrian, I am disabled too.Everytime i get a chance i am taken to Mumbles.I don`t mind paying for parking.I`m there for enjoyment. The RNLI should be allowed free parking,( or even a special area, where only they can park) Lifeboat personnel are there to save lives.Seconds count, maybe someone you know would need their services one day.That`s how i always look at it.Imagine the uproar if someone drowned because parking their vehicles took far too long. i think the council should give back the money Robert has paid them too. Thank goodness we have people like Robert always there to protect people enjoying themselves.I thank you all
carol ann, swansea


We need these guys,and girls, so come on Swansea, give them a break, free parking for the lifeboat crew, Lives are saved throught their generosity. Manic Mumbles parking is awful during the summer months anyway.
carol, swansea


I am a disabled driver and i got to pay to park whenever i am in Mumbles, as there is no consession for blue badge users. I believe that if disabled drivers have to pay then every other driver has to pay, not one rule for one and a different rule for others. (radiokaos)
Adrian Lewis, Port Talbot


yet again, more evidence that enforcement officers are above the law themselves. If they can park there for no penalty, then the general public should be able to also. I also fully support that lifeboat crew should be exempt from parking fines.
miles thomas, clydach


lifeboatman charged for parking makes me sick come on swansea council get your own house in order.i know robert jenkins from a time i meet him in myc after going to thank horton lifeboat boy/girls for going out to try and save my late sons life.robert is a very level headed chap and he said to me that day something that got me into fundraising for the rnli and i thank rob for what he said to me.these guys are life savers and very good ones if these roads were even marked propley the rnli guys of mumbles should be exempt from parking tickets.mumbles is only a small village and at this time of year these guys need to park somewhere because if there pagers go off they need to get to the lifeboat station at a moments notice to go and save lives not to be slapped in the face with parking tickets.i hope you get your money back robert when these pen pushers realise there wrong
steven wood, morriston

fizzing and frothing

today is the anniversary of our mighty lordy lordy's sleep deprivation campaign
she slammed down a barrage of brain activity
hurled down bolts of stress and headfuck
leaving things rather blurred and confused
a chance discovery threw cats upside down and golden balls over yonder
all reason and logic was discarded quicker than a quick thing doing quick things
impulsiveness or spontaneity?
bloody impulsiveness of course...
get on the phone and ask a question
what about george?
what about tiziana?
what about catherine?
what about robbages?
what about embles?
what about juicifer?
what about squilibrato?
what about fighe?
and so on, and so forth and soap dodger
book and ring and email and waaaaaaaaaaaah
that bloke said this
and how about that
squeam and squirm to escape the pit, master gravedigger
bite the bullshit and cough up the smalls
this new fascist regime to stop buttfoons like me booking all and sunday
arses
but what about george?
and how about the fuckwits at bastardlink?
and can i defeat keynsianism with an invasion of 'east' st kilda
splitters with stupid hats and hair
a weekend of popping and sparking
emails and calls
texts and trousers
a million hours on hold, fighting the corner in the darkness
wait, hold, dance a little lower
dont sleep
theres too much to do
theres too much to ponder and ruminate
theres too much sort
theres too much to argue
theres too much to agonize
theres the frustration dammit!
drop off but then come flying back
dont forget that!
where will i sleep in 23 cities in 1009 countries?
resolution beyond the solution
improbable in the foremost
prostrating and giving big come hither looks at mistress trub
the possibility of being outflanked on 17 different flanks simulataneously
all can and will go wrong
a fool just cerimoniously released the catches and sent me plummeting into the shite
lucky im a super swimmer in it
bring it on
after a little lie down first
i'm exhausted

youre my wife now dave

look into my black eyes dave
i shall put you in animals
dont dare ask how
nor why for that matter
your toilet is blocked up dave
i most certainly didnt do it
dont worry dave
i will fix it
my wife can read your palms dave
hold out your bottom leg
they arent children dave
they are just challenged
and they may touch the precious things
is that you dave?
oh
is dave there dave?
ok dave
you are picking up momentum dave
pick up the handbrake
then put it back down again
im not srue itll make any difference
watch my spittle drop on my boots dave
its easier to see from under there
dont tie me up to the bed dave
not without a seated knife and breadbutter
dont mention the war dave
it isnt my makeup you are smearing dave
it isnt a blonde wig
or my affected voice dave
youre my wife now dave....

big pie hair slap

didnt we have a lovely day
the day we went to PAs
the sun twittering
the sky was flowing
the birds were brilliant
the bad music was kept in check for a time
the coopers was delish
and the beef and stout pie
it was very beefy and might stout
there was him, her and those fellas
there were late coming chips
there was a silly frilly handbag
some silly big sunglasses
a cesare salad with chicken that cesare never ate
what came first, the keel or the fish?
the rowing wankers seemed receding
lots of chappy chaps and girlie girls
munching and quaffing
puffing and chatting
setting the world to wrongs
twere huge that pah
frightfully so
t man backed one in
k bop drove one thru
nothing much else really
just a small drop in an inconsistent ocean of motion
then somebodies unmentionables got in the way...

his great new girlfriend

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

the planet................................arium

someone went to the planet
arium
it was fab
there were layback chairicles
spinning night skies
close up from bubbles trubblescope
pretty pictures and lots of sniggering at gaseous form, black holes, uranus and beavis
how silly are the constellations?
yeah those three stars look like a goat riding a dolphin wearing chain mail on a wednesday under the fleur de lys doesnt it?
the southern skies have rubbish constellations; the twisties packet and the the shrub
the resident astrofoologismist was fab, and very sexy in her green top
afterwards there was wine and yummy cheese nibblies
not a spot on cold chups tho..
this planet
arium can be found on the wrong side of the river
in spots
wood
which is nearby to foots
cray
miles away from elt
ham
though
there was no brainwashing
i didnt walk out planning on renaming all multi syllable suburbs
through force if necessary
imagine the chaos
if ringwood became ring
wood
or northcote became north
cote
or frankston became franks
ton
all inferno would break loose!
could you live in a city infested with such bastard offspring entities as;
mel
bourne,
gee
long,
black
burn,
el
wood,
haw,
thorn,

pres
ton,
carl
ton,
fitz
roy,
rich,
mond
and so on and blahdy blahdy bollock drops

Kev's barmitzvah orgy

it was a dark and not particularly stormy night
sleep wasnt playing footsies under the table
the party started early
maybe 4ish
a likely lady darkened a doorstep
a fleet of masturbikes drove up
one at a time
pounding ear drums and shaking foundations
and making those little insects a bit uptight
things turned to motorbike chat
i turned off
high trousers sneaked in the dooooor
and some ickle girl
it got rather smoky round these parts
and rather beery
enough of this, it was time to hightail it to the festy
it drizzled on your grande puffo
inside it were nice and warm
and toilets
after overenthusiastic seeking a booth was procured
and shoe phones were handed around to all
so we could play shoe phone in the booth parade
it wasnt quite what i had hoped for
but i had been hoping against hope
futile one might say
also arrivering were fellow workers from Kevs sheet metal carvery
a couple of dodgy repute
a sleeping giant from the midlands
and ron (no relation to the drink)
Beaver took his packaging away for short while
in search of some housing
only to arrive later with more kids than you could poke a 23 pronged kid poking stick at
and penis extension man
the false moustaches were a treat
the guitar heroics were... well
heroically up somebody's alley
Dr Whodunnit black graped everything that moved
the kids played pattycake pattycake
the pe man valiantly tried something on
maybe it was a moustache
the kids moved on to finger painting
but dropped their fingers in their drinks
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh said kid no.1
bwooooooooooo said kid no.2
bnaaaaaaaaaaaar said kid no.3 (not very convincingly)
PE man adjusted his new moustache
Mr Plastics pulled them apart and bought their silence with wowwwwie pops
the fantastic shouty family couldnt make it
but we all did our best in their absence
and then it became too much
so it was off to the prince of darkness
crossed legged, virgin baiting, goat worshipping
but they are gay!
cried a boner
aftershock upon aftershock
not really, it was much beerier
a long lost courier kestrel glided in most gracefully
but by this point they thought it was all over
and it might as well have been
ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah

should i wait or should i go... plink plink

with valued contributions from Lady chuckletrousers and Lord Whom...

wait;
i want to be around kez as much as possible
i want to kill dave cant do it from overseas
dont be an assmunch
pay off some debts
better weather
possibly cheaper airfare
better networking possibilities, time to sort stuff out
more possibilities of rooting them in the ear
another year older
being sensible
good chance of missing kezs bday
ems got a pad to crash at?
could catch Gab

go;
coz its my bag baby
immediate holiday
celebrate my money honey
i wont spend all on crap
get it out of the way
meet great new tortellini whilst still interested
get away from beavis soon
fuck off me
less chance of getting hypergonadism
would diet vitamin d thing fark it up?

conclusion-che cazzo ne so io?

she gives umm, if you go to her...

last year it was for flowers
this year its a massage voucher
from the 70's
they call him dr slaughter
i dont think thats a tough name
it was really good fun, it was hilarious
i just gave up and went fuck this
why did you need a photo
i can meet you somewhere in the middle
have i gone insane
there was an ad
im sure it was good
and i cant even find beavis'
highly creative and passionate designer
id rather shoot myself
i dont give a shit
she said... oh yeah
she loves to rub shit in
what is it with people
she knew jessie and jessie knew jacinda
his bullshit rubs off on her
try to pick something more original
he wont do anything to fix it
if i ever see him again
i heard that youre bananas
and anyone who sounds remotely interesting
noone ever asks about drugs
she was totally fucking confused
im constantly out at marathons
in darwin
slim pickings this week
and youve got all them nutty birds after you
that wasnt a girlfriend
you bunch of fuckers
you could actually write something on there
you bunch of fuckers
then it started to hurt
thats what happens i think
he had to come in here to get his bike from the garage
did you knock on the door
poor guy
he gets very crabby
i love the hair

a top notch high quality classy profound blog

not bloody likely

Ghengis the big saucepot

stolen from;
Sunday March 2, 2003
The Observer
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,906044,00.html

We owe it all to superstud Genghis

Warlord Khan has 16m male relatives alive now, says study

One in every 200 men alive today is a relative of Genghis Khan. An international team of geneticists has made the astonishing discovery that more than 16 million men in central Asia have the same male Y chromosome as the great Mongol leader.

It is a striking finding: a huge chunk of modern humanity can trace its origins to Khan's vigorous policy of claiming the most beautiful women captured during his merciless conquest.

'One thirteenth century Persian historian claimed that within a century of Khan's birth, his enthusiastic mating habits had created a lineage of more than 20,000 individuals,' said team leader Dr Chris Tyler-Smith. 'That now appears to account for around 8% of the men in central Asia.'

The team, from Britain, Italy, China and Uzbekistan, took tissue samples from 2,000 men from central Asia, and studied each one's Y chromosome, the genetic package that confers maleness and is passed only from father to son.

'Y chromosomes belonging to different men vary slightly. One in every 5,000 DNA units is not the same,' said Tyler-Smith. 'But when we looked at our results, we found a huge group that did not show any differences. We were absolutely amazed.'

One researcher, Tatiana Zerjal, even suggested they had found the genetic footprint of Khan. 'It was just a joke,' added Tyler-Smith. 'Then we began to look more closely at our results, and realised it was the only really feasible explanation for what we had found.'

First the team, whose results are published in the latest edition of the American Journal of Human Genetics, found the geographical spread of possessors of the chromosomes almost exactly matched that of Genghis's empire, which stretched from China to the Middle East. Then they discovered that all of these men shared a common ancestor. Again the answer was consistent with the march of Khan, who lived between 1162 and 1227.

'There are only two ways a single Y chromosome can make such a mark on a population,' Tyler-Smith said. 'The chromosome could in some way confer its owners with some biological advantage. But given that a Y chromosome is little more than a biochemical switch that turns an embryo into a male child, it is hard to see how it could have such an effect.

'The other explanation is that its original possessor had some incredible social advantage over other Y chromosome possessors, allowing its owner to pass it on, over and over again. Khan fits that bill perfectly. He had many wives, and was enthusiastic in his attentions to other women.

When Mongol armies attacked, their spoils were shared among the troops and officers, with one exception. The most beautiful women were reserved for Khan.

The study also sided with the Hazara people of northern Pakistan, whose claim to be direct descendants of Khan is derided by historians. It found the Hazaras' Y chromosomes were identical to those they had already linked to Khan.

'It is not the first time the oral tradition has been proved more reliable than academic treatise,' he added. 'It takes the power of genetics to prove it, however.'

repent

build your own mink sanctuary
stop ligging mine

gategategate

first there was watergate
then there came bungate
whitewatergate
irancontragate
too many bloody gates
followed quickly by stepneygate
portfoliofuckingate
even bloody toiletgate
sitrightdownandwhittleawayatmychairgate
whats with all this neglect of toilets?
toilets have feelings too you know
anybody going to go on about watertoilet?
profumotoilet
thebottomoftheharbourtoilet
archdukeferdinandtoilet
childrenoverboardtoilet
gatetoilet? - not bloody likely
it doesnt seem right to me
why should gates get all the bright lights and unfettered adoration?
strutting about like they own the place
but owing nothing to any particular skill or outstanding achievement
but they strut the world stage with shameless abandon
winking in their graceful gateish manner at the snapping cameras
as the sheepish masses dream that they too had been born a gate
but no...
does anyone lay awake at night wishing they were a toilet?
do young children bleat at their mothers demanding to know why they too can't be a toilet?
No, No and No
Equal rights for toilets now!