sorry about the good times

yes i have been rather slack
things are coming to a hed
and now the film is about to start
its french you know
about a tache you know
how can i possibly divide my attention between that and this?
downright impossible
tis a pity though
i have some tales to tell
about taches to start with
about wine
about scratches
about mitres
about loud bands
about cranky me
about sad revelations
about films about nutters
and films about uber nerds
and and and
whole days passed in a daze
about camels riding high
about beavis sinking low
about about about
feeling kinda seedy
about sitting up straight on the back of the tram
about jack black
not flank tho
agggggggggggggggggj hes doing it
aghghgh im not paying attention

whats wrong with the world

i dont have a castle
it isnt on an island
where i would like to place it
there isnt any room for me to park my yacht
pronounced y-a-ch-t
in the marina round the back
theres no helipad that i can use to pop over to lovely fishing village to get a gelato
nor a tunnel with a trainage on it
no wing to host my parties in
no enormous kitchen for my cooks to come up with masterpieces
no other wing for the wenches
my formula one career isnt going great guns
just because i want it to
the strenuous training regime isnt reaping its benefits
but not because im slacking off
like i should be
my accountant isnt creaming money off the top
which wouldnt bother me coz im soo rich
my beautiful wife
carlotta
isnt wowing me everyday
and my scores of mistresses arent making it all just a bit more bearable
my amazing wine collection and posh top shelf liquors arent blocking up the hallways
despite their best attempts
my unseemly political meddlings arent bringing grief to the inbreds and thieves
berluschifo is quaking in fear of my next intervention
the church arent playing nightly in the ballroom
except for when i want another band to serenade during my mighty banquets
chirpy lou reed perhaps
my crazy big personal kick bottom personal jet isnt hopping over the stratosphere
or some sphere or other
and im not heading off to my chalet for a bit snow goat riding
with my good chums
woderwick and trec
bah humbug

sorry about that...

today somebody said sorry
not that horrid little maggoty man
oh no
thatd be too much then wouldnt it?
stronzo
it makes sense
and it had to happen
not that it stopped all the arseholes trying to fight it
to the bitter end
even in a moment of no return
the pricks were still fighting it
one arsehole read a magazine
another arsehole sulked in the background before walkin off
and the boss arsehole made a speech
pretending to give a shit
but still sticking in a few words in defence of the indefensible
they remain a pack of un reconstructed fascists
i am sorry
most decent people are sorry
except perhaps the ignorant ones
their time has passed
and hopefully their unpleasant little scumbag offspring will learn something
unlikely
but at least their numbers will diminish
decade by decade
all that damage done
even if it was with good intentions
needs nay deserves nay fucking merits nay
nay nay
an apple ohgy
tis one of the those days when it makes one proud to be an ostrayan
that hasnt happened for a good while
heres hopin it might be more forthcoming in the immediate future
cynicism begorrah bedevilled kidneystoneflatfootboat

racism and meat pies

somebody once told me that meat pies are the opposite to racism
frankie barbituates mentioned it behind the slavery shoppe
poor old frankie
he wasnt up to much
if only at the time i had realised the beauty that frankie held
i too believed he was racist
and his family
perhaps they had meat pies stashed in their bags
or between their papers
i didnt put them there
or even imagine they could be put there
but this whole racism thing has got my goat
taken it for a walk
and demanded that i be called saucepan
which it never, ever acceded to
what?
its all hysteria somebody once cried
i saw that fellow with his foot planted on the castle
it wasnt me crying out about it
is it posible that the bloke with the long dark legs was racist?
or did he have meat pies stashed somewhere?
or the lady with the left over underpants on her head?
oh she can just fuck off
whether shes racist or not
and as for those dildos with on their ears
that think that god bred them specially in a fishtank
they are diry racist fuckers
not to mention fools and bungsnappers
oh look
im a complete tossface
and i reckon god took a big grin at me
coz i married my cousin
you muppets
may a large bomb made out of meat pies
with or without cheese
shrooms
tomayytoes
boef
or vaffunculo juice
drop on your collective heads and obliterate you forever
meat pie dissing stronzi

SILMS

sudden instant lack of memory of syndrome
is what ive got
the distinct lack of posting makes it kind of noticeable
but it didnt work
it hasnt worked
and it wont work
truth be told it hasnt been very sudden
not the least instant
but the rest of it is quite apt
i dont quite know what happened
it only seems yesterday
was a song by some caved in nose dude
who then got shot
for unamerican activities
that i claimed to have my mojo back
it wasnt an empty claim
at least it didnt seem it at the time
i was all over the post over the blues blues
and ready to boldy go where the hell i had already been
with a modicum of enthusiasm
and at least with something perhaps to say
and then it all went away
and theres been nothing to say
well there might have been
but i wasnt there to say them
whatever that means
or meant at the time
but now im back on the bike
i hope that doesnt end of up being another empty claim
i guess only time will tell
i hope it doesnt tell too loudly
with stickers and pompoms and that
then id look pretty silly in front of all these people
me and errrrrrr..........
vive il grancio

bastard throat fest

my throat hurts
not just hurty wurty
it bloody fucking hurts
hurts when i talk
hurts when i laugh
hurts when i breathe
hurts bloody all the bloody time
cant eat
cant drink
cant shout or carry on
fuck this fucken throat

sir angus of the prrrrrrrrrrrooooon nite

sir angus of the prooooooooooon was a famous scots bloke
he wrote blurbs for the back of cereal packets
you know the ones..
'eat this and your head will become fat and jolly'
'crack o bites make your nob bigger'
'reconstituted dog shite contains no reconstituted dog shite'
'trust me or my name isnt sir angus of the prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooon'
made of bullshit etc etc
in honour of his first ever add for Hairy turd snacks
every year on a day
nobody particularly cares which one
everybody gets together and reads out something from the pack of cereal pack in a silly voice
they also eat big bowls of cereal
and drink mr lavatory's own sir angus of the alcoholic prune juice
everybody puts on silly clathes
and bangs on about their great aunt broomhilda who once met sir angus at wee bonnie rocky pointo
people listent to another old traditional music
including such classic hits as;
haggis mchaggis sings about his haggis
rod stewart tossing off his khyber
ronald mcdonald sings come let me fist ya, wee bairn
alex salmond singing we want the north sea oil back
and that bloke that bangs on about gogo mobiles seranades auntie aggie with ive got a motorbike jammed up my backside...

i am being forced against my will to write a blog - help

simon is frocing me to write this blog whilst he sweeps in the toilet and kitchen. he's tyring to be inspiring about what to write but it's unfortunately not helping.....hmmmm...... i'm hungry. the end.

the streets of your town

the other day i went that way
i saw a ramp and a lot of cars
i didnt see the trees they wanted to disintegrate
perhaps i was looking the wrong way
i do get a bit distracted sometimes
infatti, c'e uno scemo che mi chiama 'distratto'
stronzo
i saw where it all happens
what all the fuss was about
an australian bethlehem if you like
except bethlehem can go fuck itself
its probably on stolen land by now
i went through a green parkage bit
with dodgy chaps hanging around a bbq
one of them seemed to be looking for something down the front of his trousers
mysteries abound
there was all of a sudden some kiddly piddly play thing
that i swear wasnt there a couple of weeks back
sure i was drunk
but i didnt walk through any fences
i can assure you of that
i sussed the laneage
and divined that maybe he had a point
then bricked it home.

think that was good?
you sad fook
well it gets even more thrillingly riveting
the following day i headed off into the sunset
its sets in the east doesnt it
saw some luvvelry plaices
all treeswy weeswy and that
sweet ickle porches or whatever they are called
i went that way and saw a familiar car going the other way
upon my return i did point out to said car
that its frontage wasnt exactly picturesque
i got called a fibber
by a bloody car ....
no wonder the world is coming to a salty ending
blah blah blah
the machines are rebelling
blah blah blah
technofear

even more baffled by that epppp?
nob end

yet another day i headed off into the errr alba
strictly speaking thats an enourmous fucking lie
but i dont speak strictly
or strickly either
if you cant enunciate properly
eeejiot
off i went
to explore the hitherto unknown realms of cecil west
sounds a bit gay doesnt it?
's alright i guess
a little skinny cat that wasnt called lionel
apparently
a bloke and a lady
that may or may not have been a couple
im not one to assume
i played chicken with a tram at 30 paces
by going in other direction completely
i cant seem to walk without being swamped by well or evil wishers
not one soul (err, dont believe in them either)
not one fish was oblvious to me
all magnetically drawn from whatever task was at hand
to stare, hate, admire, gawp, drool and ponder
luckily im rather easy going
phgggffffffffffffschnort

fleeting inspiration

yep
there it goes...

which was nice

theres nothing to eat in this town
except the mexican i had the other night
that happened to be really bueno
there was arturo
there were the chicky birds that served
a cool chick from cile
who spoke great thththth
not very surprisingly
and an osstraylian bird who lived in guadalajara
but didnt know the bit of town which i made up
and is really near san fransisco en los estado unidos
anyways
twas the real deal
i got to bang on a bit in ththththth
which was nice
drank daisies
had fajitas with mas chili
which spiced it up a beet
lots of groovy decorations
masks and comedy little wall hangings
and a farmacia on the wall
with the kleptomania potion was stolen!
another time i had nihon food
with real nihon jin waitresses
i love nihon waitresses
delightfully presented food too
which was nice
a leetle boat of sushi and sashimi
then a big plate of various hot things
and a huge seafood hotpottage thing
which melted me
and green tea ice cream...
not to mention the time not that long ago when i munched vietnamete food
a million ricepaper rolls
filled with flamin galahs
and other things
which were nice
a salady noodly delight and other gudies
not to mention the other night when i had afghan food
which looked suspiciously like indian-pakistani food
yummy meet and groovy dishes full of spicy things
particukularly the spinach
it could have been better tho
which was not completely nice
qorma and the like
then i had some nihon food
different mind you
but equally fabulicious
in fact maybe even better
more lovely nihon jin waitress birds
i love nihon jin waitress birds
this one was very cute too...
delish kirin beer
and lots of eggplant and parcelly things
which was nice
twas great to see the popstar again
which was really nice

i wish there something to eat in this town...

scanvis and the outlagger

oh bloody arse
im soooooooooo sick of scanning photos and negatives
it seems ive done nothing else for the last couple of weeks
at this point in time ive done over 1300
fucking arse
dont get me wrong....
la lallalalalala
its a huge boon
and afterwards the look fab up their on the sliver screen
but its such a pain in the arse to do
especially the negatives
especially the curly wurly wubbity ones
they are so finicky and shitty they make one want to smash things around the place
luckily im such a mild mannered fellow
so gentle of tongue
and never leapstering into a punk fut
yar its looking gude tho
a gazillion towns in a quarter gazillion countries
in a big few continents
with shedloads of sheds
animals
natural features
waterfalls, mountains and lakes
lots of man made thungs too
pyramids, towers, castle, palaces, barricades threats meeet something
people of all kinds of skinnage
that spake many a language
old, young, male, female, smelly and clean
i guess i must have seen all those things with my eyes then
remarckstable

wish i had something interesting to say....

revenge of the metal dancing thingy

i did it again
i went to the potty
like a big boy now
after that i went out
twas dublin hot
hotter than can be called reasonable
got a crab driven by a bloke from ethiopia
who was most amazed i knew anything about his country except that there was a famine.
hah, bloody clever trousers now arent i
invaded by italians
who promptly managed to fuck it up
large surprise
the only country in africa not to be colonised
about hailsalesse and all that biz
the source of the blue nile
the soldiers in somalia
the secession and war of eritea
the whole semtic biz
blahblahblah
we had a good old chat
but he did say one thing that i found odd
he reckons ethiopia is now rubbish coz it wasnt colonised
thats a bit confusing
maybe he had a point
if i was ethiopian id be well proud of not being colonised....

the metal dancing again
yawn
bloody boring
more stabbing glow in the dark nads
and sitting about being bored witless
or is that shitless
ho hum
but this time i got to a test
to make my brain work
clicking on mousey mousey
text and colours and all that
very frustrating and made me feel really thick
dammit
then the robot mating dance again
strangely relaxing really
maybe i will pick one up for the bedroom
im sure they dont cost much
makes your neck go all warm
and off it goes
taking ickle pickies of yer brain
while ladies swan in and out
greek doctors
whats that you say, a greek doctor?
i learned the difference between a radiologist and a radiographer
ho hum
i need to get out more

now bowies got bird banging on in japanese and my foot hurts
funny that...

strange metal mating dance above my hedd

i dont talk to instruments
thatd just be plain daft
i caught a yellow crab the other day
and i didnt end up in a river full of toxins
so bloody hah to vosotros
pig lovers and all
i got out of the crab
and went and sat down
in a strange land called mullbern
dont know what they wanted
twas all rather surreal to me
apparently it was a good idea
i sat and blat for a bit
and a kind lady asked how my baby was
i replied that i wasnt sure
but i imagined quite well
thanks
she didnt believe me that i didnt have a baby
bizzzarro
they took me off to a room
i talked too much
and ACCIDENTALLY gave false information
then they stabbed me
walked out and turned down the lights!
i sat there for 15 mins
wishing that i could meditate
i thought about people
about dreams
about phone conversations
real and imagined
friends that are too far away
how sunny it was outside
and about 18999 things
all in the first minute
it was pretty boring really
i wondered what my bike was doing
eventually one lady came in
she didnt say a word and put some isotopes in my holy arm
they kind of tickled and were chilly
i wonder how chilly and ticklish it would have been to have been at chernobyl that day
another 15 dragged on awfully
i thought of all kinds of things
mostly the ones that i should have done
but ive been putting off
or those that stood in the road ahead of me
like some scary grown up obligation monster
that 15 mins really slurmed its way away
then they both came in...
took out my stabbage and sent me off to the waiting room
to sit 'quietly'
i felt like a naughty schoolkid
which i may well be
i wandered if being quiet allowed me to flick thru the quality mags there
i supposed not
i might have got all excitable reading time
and got my crank on and ruined all the pretty pictures
that was 39 mins
belach
at last it was ooova
they lead me back in and lay me down on this big arsed machine
well it had more of a big head
than a big arse
it danced around my head
for another half an hour
in a strange robotic mating dance
the left plate thingy would shudder a little
the right would do exactly the same
the left plate thingy would slide down a few cms
the right plate thingy would slide up some
and so on
i tried to sleep
fuck this is a riveting story
BUT IT DIDNT
IT DRAGGED ON INTERMINABLY
JUST LIKE THIS BLOG
SO FUCK OFF

and a merry new footrub

before it fades away
best document if that is the right word, the turning of the year
there was a bbq slash axl partaaay here at shat-oh-beavuoirvis
was good and all
there was kev and drave
then there was gaz
we played a bored game which got us all a bit bawd
e
then there was murray
who brought along drew
another refugee from the badlands of paisley
fresh off the boat
jehovis showed her pretty face
sandra flowed on by
damien shooobitted himself on thru
as enigmatically as ever
with 2 frenz in toe
that bird that was at merrydeath last year
the other last year
the one that still seems like last year
and some bloke who spoke a foreign tongue
won that i know ravver well
much to my delightvus
we munched and drank and schmoked
spoke about some things
i imagine
then it were orf down the road
about 50 metres in fact
to the parco where they hav a parti
apparently da sempre
tis only my second coming
lots and lots of people
lots and lots of legs
lots and lots of bung people
some fireworks
and big noise
i didnt get up to much really
wasnt feeling that fabbo
altho i did my best
with bourbon and punch and beer
did a fair bit of sititng around
chatting with peoples
lots of blethering in the language of the speschial ones
peeple came and went
the year came and went
some arbitrary fucking numbers
thats okay with me tho
the eskii took a butt belting
i naughtily played with shoes
that i shouldnt have
and put on my straightest of faces
when the trub came to town
the jolly brothers went into the mix looking for the chemical brothers
jehovah kept going missing
just like a god....
dave was on gude form
some good folk barraged a man from far away in fluent swearitaliano
that was cool
came back to the hoose
kez was flopsied
sat round a beet
some jocular people brought out the tekila
bleaghghhg
no really
back to the park
some more of the same
damien called me some more names
hmmmm
chatted with a lady with nice teef
back to hoose perhaps
jehovis was found
paler than a stack of meat pies
beavis was a bounding
on fine fiery form
we had the best at the party
singing and dancing to the weensters
perhaps a beets earlier...
coming and going
outside dreenking and smoking
inside lounging and snoffing
never done that before
and repeat...
apparently some eediot managed to set fire to the back fence at 5am
how maggoty is that
alls well that ends well
alls well when surrouned my gude people...

beavis has an arty cupboard

dorme di la'
spero che dorme bene
che fa sogni pacifici
cosa fa la' non lo so
ma ne posso imaginare
eccome
meglio di no
sarebbe un' altra sprecata di energia
o uno spreco
ma dorme di la'
fuori del mio mondo
ci devono essere dozzine di questi tipi
di offerte
di speranze
di inutili fantasie
e' per quello che non posso farcelo piu
e' troppo facile cadere in quella trappola
anche senza parole esatte
fara freddo di la'
io ci sono stato
degli anni fa
non e' che mi lo ricordo piu di tanto
qualche immagino e' rimasto
un paio di emozioni
sembra che sia stato un altro
pero ho sempre la prova
un' altra fantasia
fanno male queste cose
te lo posso giurare
non so quella che pensa
sono stato invitato fino ad un certo punto in quel mondo
e' sono rimasto incastrato
senza via di scampo
be, non e' la verita completa
ci sono ancora
mi sembra un mondo confuso
ma un mondo meraviglioso lo stesso
dove vorrei tanto restare e esplorare
mi pare che potrei fare tanto bene
il tocco leggero e le parole giuste
mi rende triste che dorme di la'
cosi' lontano
nel tempo e nello spazio
non sto male qua
non sogno di essere la
a lottare, a imprecare e piangere
vedrai il mondo piu bello
troverai un felicita finora sconosciuta
la pace, la tranquillita e la contentita
ti aspettano
con le braccia apperte
ma aspetta...
e' la fanatsia che torna
come un vecchio amico che non mi va di sentire piu
ma dorme la' ugualmente
mi chiedo che succede di la'
nel cervello
da dove viengono queste umori
la tristezza e la lacuna di pace
da un quasi paradiso
sarebbe il luogo dei miei sogni
io potrei dormire di la'

the wife and i thank you very much...

we had the best time at your party
but its kind of hard to comment right now
coz i cant see the end of my foot
i know its down there somewhere
there was no lollipops
there was no wizz fizz
or barbituates
come to think of it i dont even know what barbituates are...

la fantasia no ce l'ho piu

i lost my imagination
oh dear
i must have put it down somewhere when the phone rang
or something of the like
no
thats not right
some people of big imaginations
that fill up the room like a herd of antelope
rubbing their tusks against the fireplace
some people have ickle ones
that you have to look very close to make out
like a mirrors reflection of the sun on the ceiling
on a splendido giorno
or even a serene one
and then there are those that dont have em at all
way too many of those for my liking around these days
its those fuckers that make the world a shitty shitty place
wars and the like

my imagination was always a fairly healthy size
sometimes inflating itself beyond all reasaonble size
and beyonds its realistic limits
then you could see the holes in it
peter pan you might say
never had no wings butt
put it away

so it fell out somewhere
i hope it wasnt when i was hanging out on a caddle grid
or a street drain
then i will never find the bugger again
usually it finds me
lucky really
considering how senile i can be
it could be in a jacket pocket
or a trouser leg or some such rot
or a bloody salvagente lining
not to be rediscovered until winter in 2010
sounds pretty far away unless you actually think about it
someone might have call the hoodoo guru singer and let him know about it being at hand

so the imagination
perhaps it got sick of the lack of affection and upped and left
thatd be a shit
but it might just serve me right
heres hoping its just sulking out on the street somewhere
and its a warning
i have neglected it
that much is true
its been pretty much unloved for many moons
lazy brain cant be farked

i dont think i could afford another
i wouldnt even know where to begin looking for one
or being one
plus
i suspect you cant get replacements
i reckon you get one and its up to you to make the most of it
so the lepers with none are stuck without for their entire sad lives
wankers
and sad fuckers who rot their brains with drugs of various kinds and kill theirs
well they too are todgered

well fancy fucking that
ive just come up with a whole load of bollocks
and i didnt even have to think about it for second
it came to me a like a cascade of....
never mind
HA.... its back
suck my munch mondo cattivo

her first screen test

its been a long time between drinks
no thats not right
no i never had a script
oh croak this
harsh times come to thee no more

happy christmas

hi all,
so here we are - its Christmas!
we are here is ringwood, Victoria, Australia.
its a leafy green suburb.
there is the tinkling of the piano keys being made by a cousins girlfriend who i haven't met before.
there is food in the fridge and on the benches that is waiting to be eaten by us hungry relatives.
i am hungry as i worked out the food for lunch, but didn't quiet get around to eating breakfast. little lucy had breakfast - kiwi and rice porridge - but not i.
so i am looking forward to try the portugese style chicken that was cooked in the weber last night.
many hugs,
Lisa.